Jokes Archive

This is an archive of the postings to the "jokes" boards on Frost and Freenet Me
ssage System.
Updated weekly (If there are new posts).
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2007 Archive
The Frost board is still flooded, but it seems that the spammer had some problem
s on February, the 29th ;-)
This site has an activelink now
From: JOFISH925@nC2agsDKg~aOUtshK558tN5geNNDSa4WaIZ2HPFXz7M
This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive
restaurant in town.
'Where's the pissing, mother f*cking manager, you c*ck sucking arsewipe?'
he inquires of one of the waiters.
The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please
refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager
as soon as I can'.
The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the f*cking
manager of this b*stard place?'
'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you would
refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'F*ck off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f*cking piano?' 'Pardon?'
says the manager.
'F*cking deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of shit, show
me your c*nting piano.'
'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and he
shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I f*cking can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most
inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has
ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I Tried To Shag Yer Missus On The Sofa But The Springs Kept Hurting My
Dick,' replies the bloke.
The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The
bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever
heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'

'I Wanted A Wank Over The Washing Machine But I Got My Balls
Caught In The Soap Drawer'.
The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any
romantic ballads. The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the
manager has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I F*ck You Under The Stars With The Moonlight Shining Off Your Hairy
Ring-Piece,' replies the bloke.
The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job
on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of
the customers.
This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night,
sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his
eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling
out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's
wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms. She's sitting
there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus
shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to
masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the manager's voice.
'Where's that b*stard pianist?'
He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the
piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts
playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano,
leans over and
whispers in his ear,
'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and
dripping spunk on your shoes?'
'Know it?' the bloke replies 'I f*cking wrote it.'
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.
The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, "We share everything."
Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: "No thank you, we share
everything."
After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
"Then why aren't you eating? What are you waiting for?"

The reply: "The teeth."

From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as
she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said, "Elegant
lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast
a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn
back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my
sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle
with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so."
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned
in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to
herself and thought, "I don't think so!"
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a
Seattle man departed for his vacation to Miami Beach, where
he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of
her business trip. They were looking forward to pleasant
weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding
gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later
flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the
airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do
no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that
Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was
almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive
as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail via his
palmtop PC, but due to his haste, he made an error in the
address.
His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly
preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the
day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look
at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the
floor passed out. Her family rushed to her room where they
saw this message on the screen:
Honey, departed yesterday as you know.
Just now got checked in.

Some confusion at the gate.

Appeal was denied.
Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be
surprised at how hot it is down here.
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his
potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who
would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad,
don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's
reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I
could do at this time."
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Three worms were placed into separate jars.
1. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
2. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
3. The third worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the
following results:
1. The first worm in alcohol - DEAD.
2. The second worm in cigarette smoke - DEAD.
3. The third worm in good, clean soil - ALIVE.
So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn
from this demonstration?"
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and
said, "As long as you drink or smoke, you won't have worms!"
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was
one of the old dot-matrix printers), the office manager
called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him
that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because
the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the

manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager
asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to
fix things themselves first."
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
A farmer s wife from Arlington, Iowa, won a landmark divorce case today
citing Stumbleupon the popular online social networking site, as the
main cause of the breakdown of her marriage.
The Judge ruling over the divorce summed up the whole affair stating in
all my days as a judge I thought I had seen everything, but I have never
quite stumbled upon something like this. The kind of behaviour and
language that has been demonstrated in this case has been rather
interesting to say the least. I have to say I have learned something new
today .
Other witnesses who where brought in to give evidence confirmed that the
situation had become untenable. One close family member said it just
isn t normal, I have never in my life seen corn fields so tall and
unkept and the poor cows, well they were left to roam as freely as they
pleased .
It is thought that the 38 year old man in question started to behave in
a fashion unbecoming of an Iowa farmer just after he began using the
social site stumble upon two years ago. Since then he has slowly
withdrawn from both family and farm as he immersed himself in videos,
websites and blogs offering everything from the banal to the bizarre.
After the Judge had ruled in Mrs Carters favour, she read out this
statement in front of the court house.
I am very pleased to have this whole nightmare behind me at last; the
past two years have been pure hell. No respectable farmer neglects his
responsibilities and just lets his cattle wander around like that. A few
of the cows even managed to stumble upon a neighbouring farm and get
branded along with their cattle, can you believe that?
One waiting reporter asked Mrs Carter if he had displayed any other
unusual or weird behaviour. She replied
Oh hell yeah, the cows and the corn fields are just the tip of the ice
berg
When asked what other kind of behaviour she had been forced to endure
she shocked bystanders and reporters alike when she told them
Well it s kinda embarrassing, but after sex he would shout out real
loud, I LIKE IT, and then give me a big thumbs up. If that wasn t bad
enough he would then write me up a review. That had to be my lowest
moment. But he also started asking me for reviews and thumbs up too and
I didn t have no clue to what he was talking about .

A short while later Mr Carter emerged from the court house wearing a
Digg T shirt and jeans and clutching what looked to be a notebook
laptop. A reporter from a local daily asked him why he had allowed his
cows to wander about in such a fashion. He simply replied
Caps lock OMG, LMAO, LOL loser
This left the waiting reporters somewhat baffled and bemused.
Mrs Carter s lawyer said that this was an unusual divorce to say the
least and when challenged about the possibility of other cases like this
coming to court he said he most certainly hoped not . It is understood
that the judge who presided over the divorce has decided to take the
rest of the month off in order to explore social networking in more
depth, just in case.
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the worker's
Compensation Board.
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional
information in Section 3 of the accident report form. I put
`poor planning' as the cause of my accident. You asked for a
fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be
sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I
completed my work, I found that I had some brick's left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of
500lbs. Rather than carry the brick's down by hand I decided to
lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to
the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope
at the ground I went up to the roof swung the barrel out and
loaded the brick's into it. Then I went down and untied the
rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks.
You will note in section 11 of the accident report form that I
weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground
so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of
the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the
side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally
impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of
the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping
until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley, Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence
of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of
beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time,
however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of
the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel
now weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of

the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the
barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles,
broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the
barrel seemed to slow me down to lessen my injuries when I fell
into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae
were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on
the pile of bricks, in pain and unable to move, I again lost my
composure and presence of mind and I let go of the rope and I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down
onto me. This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kind Regards,
Mike Pashby
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on
your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time;
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and

disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like
a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for
the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked
me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself.
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did
they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,
Name withheld.
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
Dear Diary,
For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me
to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY : Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! ! Belinda gave me a
tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut
was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This
is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY : I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
air - then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

out the
into the
on the
made it

WEDNESDAY : The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in
the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on
the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY : Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
FRIDAY : I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you

don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been
someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY : Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year
my daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is
fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted
me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. So she
eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out
two cardboard men, unfolds them & stands them at the rear of the
vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude
bodies to approaching drivers...not surprisingly, the traffic became
snarled & backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer," says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here
by the road?!" asks the Officer.
"Helllllooooo!!!" said the blonde, "those are my emergency flashers!"
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
More Suthen-ism's:
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a
conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,
peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to

town, be back directly."

_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for
the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in
the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is They might not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively
for a neighbor who's got trouble is a
big bowl of cold potato salad. If the
crisis, they also know to add a large
_____

that the best gesture of solace

plate of hot fried chicken and a
neighbor's trouble is a real
banana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and
"a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1
mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, .. and when we're
"in line," we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner know s tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and
that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you
are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart",
and go your own way.
_____
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the
morning. Bless your heart!
_____
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all
this Southern stuff, ... bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to
have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____
And for thos e who are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I
ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !
Now...... Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or
wish they had been!
If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
I figure with enough time and effort, anyone could be a
system administrator. Really, it's not hard -- it just takes
practice, methodology, and trial and error. A lot of trial
and error. These truths will certainly get you on your way.
Let's get started.
#1 - Users Lie
Oh yes, they do. Don't think you're immune either. Have you
ever been on a tech support call, convinced that you know
the problem, and the guy on the phone says something like
"Would you put in the recovery CD, restart, and scan your
memory?" "Oh, I've tried that," you say with eyes rolling.
Believe it or not, sometimes we crazy admin peeps suggest
these fixes because they work. When a user protests my
assessment, I politely insist that they do what I asked
until the doing is done.
#2 - Email Is the Lifeblood of Non-Techies
I love my non-techie brethren -- I mean, how else would I
know what happened on the OC and Gilmore Girls? -- but at
the end of the day, email is #1 in their book. Now a lot of
it is business related, and certainly that shouldn't be
taken lightly, but most likely they were waiting on a warm,
fuzzy message from their daughter or sister and really
needed their email back up ASAP ("I'm waiting on a
proposal!" they screech -- see #1).

#3 - Printers Are Bad

Ever had to clean a laser or, God forbid, an inkjet printer?
It's like stabbing yourself in the eye. It's not just the
grime either -- it's the fallacy that a little chunk of ink
could make the machine just stop working. Ninety percent of
the time (or better), this isn't the case (instead, check
the fuser/print heads).
#4 - Cleanliness Is Godliness
Ever open up a PC and see the Ghost of Dust Bunnies Past in
there? It's scary stuff, I tell you. I've seen some PCs
begin to lock up "for absolutely no reason" while the
innards tell you something different. Sure, Peggy in
Accounting wasn't stuffing her machine full of cloth, but
that blanket she keeps at her feet will slowly shed and the
PC fans suck that stuff right up. When you're completely
stumped, make sure there isn't something inside gunking up
the works.
#5 - Backups Are Crucial
This needs to be said. I've been caught unprepared on this
one a few times myself. Backup, Backup, Backup! Nothing (and
I mean nothing) will bite you like a poor backup schema. If
your server dies right now as you read this post, what are
you going to do about it? Do you know where the install
discs are, do you have a configuration backup, and do you
know who to contact regarding tech support on that box? If
not, you need to get your act together before you have a
disaster and a lot of excuses and apologies following it.
#6 - Switches and Hubs (Usually) Die One Port at a Time
You can spend hours tracking down a bad network card or
cable just to figure out that a port in a switch has died.
You're pinging and pinging and looking; the lights are on
but nobody's home. The trick here is to know that a single
port doesn't spell the end of the hardware; quite the
contrary. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. If a
port does go out, that hub or switch may work for years
without another outage, but do be sure to stuff an RJ45
connector in that bad port so you don't forget (and chase
down phantom problems) in the future.
#7 - No One Ever Got Fired for Buying Microsoft
So sad but so true. This old saying used to reference IBM,
but oh how times have changed. Linux may be powerful, but
the command prompt and configuration files and file system
obscurity will just as soon get you a pink slip if something
goes wrong and no one knows how to fix it but you. Even so,
with as much stupidity as we admins have to put up with on a
daily basis, configuring some of the "high-end" Microsoft
software is enough to drive you insane. Ever tried
installing Exchange Server or, worse, installing Exchange
Server and migrating a 5.5 install to Exchange 2000? I feel
your pain -- oh, how I feel your pain.

#8 - Politeness > Brevity

You can come up with all sorts of analogies for this one.
You'll get more bees with honey, a spoonful of sugar, etc.
But generally, you probably have very little day-to-day
contact with end users. This means that when you do finally
get to speak to one of those souls fortunate enough to login
to your domain (both figuratively and literally), you should
be sure to be as polite as possible about it. Even if the
network is down. Even if the server is having weird,
irrational problems. Use please, thank you, I'm sorry, and
don't be too proud to apologize or "make nice" with those
who may ultimately influence your career path down the line.
The peon you insult today with "I sent an email about this;
do you not check your own email?" could very well climb the
corporate ladder and let you go in a few years. Mind your
manners, peeps.
#9 - Know Your Needs
This one could also be called "Learn Linux." Many admins get
wooed into the idea that "managed solutions" are always the
correct ones. A web interface on a switch is cute, but
rarely useful. A huge Cisco router may not always be
necessary; sometimes a "lo-fi" approach is best. When you
want a spam solution, before looking at $5,000 servers and
huge licensing fees for Windows Server software, take a look
at one of those old "junk" PCs you have in the closet,
download your favorite distro of Linux, and install procmail
and spamassassin. You (and your budget) will thank me later.
#10 - The Holy Grail of Tech Support
#is the reboot. Rebooting can cure ailments of all sorts: it
can stop network troubles and crashing computers, find
missing documents, and rescue cats in trees. System admins
all over the world have, by and large, trained their users
to reboot before even calling support. I mean, when's the
last time you didn't reboot to see if it cured a problem? If
you're not, then you're either stubborn or you're an admin
who knows better. Rebooting doesn't cure all ailments, but
it cures so many of them that it's hard to not throw out a
"Can you reboot for me?" to the end user when they call with
some off-the-wall issue. Use and abuse as necessary.
From: TranceAm@SLgOi08CXu-GY0tnOPUTvABqFgbxqoiUtOVu5BL3ysE
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device,
trade named: BOOK
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no
wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be
connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child
can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even
sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful
enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's
how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper

(recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit
device called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their
correct sequence.
Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use
both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density
and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for
further increases in information density; for now, BOOKs
with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information
directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to
the next sheet. BOOK may be taken up at any time and used
merely by opening it.
Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or
stepped on without damage. However, it can become unusable
if immersed in water for a significant period of time. The
"browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet
and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an
"index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location of
selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to
the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if
the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design
standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by
various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOKmarkers can
be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous
views at once. The number is limited only by the number of
pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries
with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib
Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal
seems so certain that thousands of content creators have
committed to the platform and investors are reportedly
flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and

write Spaghetti on the back.

He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
Honey , she said, you received a very strange post card today .
Oh, really? Let me see , he said.
The wife gave it to him and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Two with meatballs, one without.
Send extra sauce.
From: udle@b786035e~MS4C3CuzbWHDfV~aDKyC8BmtAXWo7-S2BQ
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out. You probably got
here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice
Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to
our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1. " ...... AMEN!"
From: interfect@zsQnvZVQ7pj8Ww4CF-JXuH9Dzp~DddEDsPwh9hUGg24
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
No one!
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
-knock knock
-who's there?
-doctor
-doctor who?
-exactly

From: VolodyA! V Anarhist@sD-XhzcMYtSUBPUqmK9xDU6VxBL6Tc7XGs3A~JUTYjE

Q. Why was the Buddhist sad when he was asked to send his resume to the company
as a word document via e-mail?
A. Attachment leads to suffering.
From: nAxaLiTe@4KbK4cSip2WLhf9ZLZ8RtJAC00Cx8wyz6MkWHWxBH1A
Subject: 40 expressions to say in a corporate environment
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learned to see it
my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby, whiny-arsed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office; it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humour... but different.
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
Geek (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: I will choose my own bride!!!
Geek: But the girl is Bill Gate s daughter..
Son: Well, in that case ok
Next, out geek approaches Bill Gates.
Geek: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry!!!!!
Geek But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case ok
Finally the geek goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Geek: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!
Geek: But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case ok
From: VolodyA! V Anarhist@sD-XhzcMYtSUBPUqmK9xDU6VxBL6Tc7XGs3A~JUTYjE
Q: Why do anarchists drink herbal tea?
A: Because they are opposed to proper tea!
Trotsky meets Stalin in hell and says: "Is that an ice pick in your pocket or
are you just happy to see me?"

Q: How many Marxists does it take to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies?
A: Ten .... One to 'supervise' the workers, one to make the batter, and
eight to peel the smarties.
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
Bush tells Cheney that he just finished putting together a jigsaw puzzle.
"Look uncle Dick, I did it! And I've done damn well too! The box said 3
to 5 Years but I did it in one month!
From: cactusbin@M1CG5FzOA3I~j7duTLi8geyGryoB6ArXZ7ZQIOXh2nM
Diary of an AOL User.
July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I can't
connect. I don't know what is wrong.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT

NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS
CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP
KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME
SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A
STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT
COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN
ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but
I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my

new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
From: cactusbin@M1CG5FzOA3I~j7duTLi8geyGryoB6ArXZ7ZQIOXh2nM
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."
From: JOFISH925@nC2agsDKg~aOUtshK558tN5geNNDSa4WaIZ2HPFXz7M
A socialist, a capitalist and a communist agreed to meet.
Socialist: "Excuse me for being late, I was standing in a queue for
sausages"
Capitalist: "And what's a queue?"
Communist: "And what's a sausage?"
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
Theory:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great
literary works in Braille.
From: technocabbit@9ogtV5l39l7qoBoiKah~RrnLIdN49r68C9L4ocTkFgo
A man was riding on his Harley along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach
the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It
will nearly exhaust several natural resources.
"I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly
things. Take a little more time and think of something that could
possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time, and finally he said, "Lord I
wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how
she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a slight pause, the Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?"
From: leetzorlaptop@jFjX3erju~DLwJ666vu4L9tKW22j3yCKev~Q9c0Gavs
Heaven is where...
The
The
The
The
And

police are British

cooks are Italian
lovers are French
mechanics are German
it's all organized by the Swiss

Hell is where...
The
The
The
The
And

cooks are British

mechanics are French
lovers are Swiss
police are German
it's all organized by the Italians

From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

2
2
2
2
2
2
2
2

Italian men and 1 Italian woman

French men and 1 French woman
German men and 1 German woman
Greek men and 1 Greek woman
English men and 1 English woman
Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere.
. . .
*

One Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
*
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a "menage a trois".
*
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
*
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
*
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
*
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at
the woman and started swimming.
*
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are
low.
*
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

From: MightyMouse@0sOJs6-KZSieuk61joAd4hqZvXff~1Rd3XoqQkiFPWg
A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris, but was
caught 2 blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say
for himself was: "I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I
tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE!"
I've been reading something very interesting - Stephen Hawking's latest
book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.
Ancient humans, venturing across the ice bridge to North America, got
lost quite often. They found it very hard to keep their Bering Strait#.
What do you get after playing the lute for 10 hours straight?
Minstrel cramps.
I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I
Kant.
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
My bike can't go anywhere: it's two tired.
Once you've seen a shop center you've seen the mall
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is
having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one
complaint.
"Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do
for me?".
The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do
know this witch who may be able to help you." So,the doctor gives him
directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25
inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my
only hope."
The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I
think I may be able to help you with your problem.
Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond you
will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You must say to
the frog, "will you marry me?" When the frog says "no", you will find

five inches less to your problem."

The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest.
He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter.
"WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!"
But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to
marry him again.
"Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another
5 inches shorter.
The man laughed, "This is fantastic."
He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a
moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be
ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry
me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do
I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"
From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him
and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything
you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

From: Luke771@mdXK~ZVlfTZhF1SLBrvZ--i0vOsOpa~w9wv~~psQ-04
Atom1: "I've lost an electron"
Atom2: "are you sure?"
Atom1: "I'm positive!"
From: Ratchet@mFgYdM~nBcaNomHpnaCKQCZYUAzkq2RSCFsSwvdB8aE
ISU researchers discover new element
AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named
Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight
of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice
neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of
312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it
can
be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into
contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium
caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction
time is less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice
neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually
increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points,
such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is
always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it
is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how
Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.
From: skyquake@cYzMUerF8S4sHuAH--vnw83D8Wos8ba3FZTjfkjkKoU
An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where
he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the
river to the remote site he where he would make
his collections. At noon on the second day of travel
up the river they began to hear drums.
"What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist,
knowing he was in cannibal country.
The guide turned to him and said, "No worry. Drums
OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went

ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped.

The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and
covered his ears.
"Do as I do! Very important!" intoned the guide
with great urgency.
"Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked
anthropologist.
"Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"
<hr>
From: skyquake@cYzMUerF8S4sHuAH--vnw83D8Wos8ba3FZTjfkjkKoU
<textarea cols="85" rows="20">
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/03/06/2181533.htm
The Mayor of a village in south-west France has threatened residents with
severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the
overcrowded cemetery to bury them.
In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told the
260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not having a
plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are forbidden
from dying in the parish".
It added: "Offenders will be severely punished".
The Mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative
court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of
adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.
Mr Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing
for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he was
sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.
"It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

From: oblivion@zFgpZziySzJtvbHrdQGEN7UJTwF6QnDsD66r7FLUopw
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't
seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out
his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is
dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First,
let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
From: skyquake@cYzMUerF8S4sHuAH--vnw83D8Wos8ba3FZTjfkjkKoU
Please print off for reference and place in your glovebox.

History Lesson:
The name for the seat (or seats) adjacent to that of the driver comes to us

from the American "old"/"wild" west. Aside from a railroad ticket,

Stagecoach was the only means of transport during this period. Stagecoaches
were also a common means of transporting things of value (eg... payroll
money, high ticket merchandise). In this period of lawlessness and hostile
(with every right) natives, protection was necessary. Admittedly most people
back then were packing some heat, but for added safety, a stagecoach would
always have an extra man. He would sit right next to the driver and was
armed with a shotgun. This was known as riding shotgun; hence we have
"shotgun" to call the front seat of a vehicle.
Rules so far:
1. The shotgunner must be in clear sight of the car, and shotgun can be
called regardless of whether the driver is in sight of the car
2. If you are the first to be picked up on a journey you are automatically
given shotgun. You retain this position for the entire journey, unless you
violate rules 12, 17, 23 or any other rules stipulating the loss of shotgun.
3. You cannot declare shotgun if someone has previously declared shotgun for
that journey.
4. When simultaneous shotgun is called, there is then a foot race to the
passenger side door from all the people who called.
5. Shotgun cannot be called whilst inside a building (unless you are in a
multi-storey or underground car park!)
6. Shotgun cannot be called in advance, only whilst on the way to the car
for the journey.
7. Once shotgun has been called the driver has the option of a reload. The
driver yells "reload" and this means that all previous calls of shotgun are
void and the first person to call shotgun again gets the seat. This is
helpful if the driver really doesn't like the person who first called
shotgun. It is often used when there is a simultaneous call and the driver
is unsure of the outcome. Note that a shotgun has only 2 barrels so a reload
can only be called once.
8. Ja rob rule...if he's in the car shotgun now means back left, so he cant
punch you every time a yellow car goes past.
9. Once shotgun has been called for the front seat then back left and back
right can be called. This effectively leaves the slowest person to travel in
the middle (of the "bitch" seat).
10. Because everyone is created equal, men have the same right to the front
seat of the car as women (ie women don't own the front seat!).
11. If the regular driver of the vehicle is drunk or otherwise unable to
perform their duties as driver, then he/she is automatically given shotgun.
12. Once the journey has begun, the driver is the obvious controller of the
tunes. However if they feel the road requires their full attention, or they
simply cannot be arsed any more, duty is passed to the shotgunner. However
putting on crap tunes or allowing for silence when the iPod finishes a song
or ANY instances of TAKE THAT will result in demotion to bitch seat.
13. Anyone calling shotgun must have his or her shoes on. This is to stop
people running outside and calling shotgun, then having to go back inside to
put their shoes on and slowing the journey. This is known as the Shoe Rule.
14. Shotgun overrules Dibs, Baggsies and other girly calls!
15. Despite the debate, shotgun CAN be used to shotgun things other than the
front seat (eg back left, back right, women, not going to answer the door,
etc).
16. When travelling with a couple, one of the couple MUST shotgun the front.
No one wants to chauffer two of their mates whilst they are in the back all
over each other.
17. If someone has successfully called shotgun, they have the right to the
front seat. They do not have the right to correct the driver on their
navigation skills ("take a left here you dickhead!") or driving ability

("I'd be in third gear if I was driving"). If the passenger does this, then
they forfeit their position as shotgun holder.
18. If someone says, "what's shotgun?" after it has been called then they
have to walk.
19. If the shotgunner attempts to open the door just as the driver is
unlocking it and jams the lock half open so that the driver needs to lock it
and unlock it again, the shotgunner forfeits their position. This is known
as shotgun suicide.
20. The holder of shotgun assumes the responsibility for all gate opening,
off license nipping into, takeaway ordering and question asking. He/she is
in essence the copilot and therefore the enforcer of behavior in the vehicle
and exacter of slaps/punches/water spraying/bag throwing at the passengers
in the back.
21. Automatic "couple's rights act 1997". This law states that, if the
driver is the boyfriend/girlfriend of a passenger in the car, this person
has the right to the seat of their choice.
22. If one of the potential occupants of the vehicle is dressed
(convincingly) as a pirate then they are given automatic shotgun. In the
event of more than one pirate being present, a sword fight shall determine
the successful shotgunner. This is known as The Pirate Rule.
23. When driving past a woman walking a dog, everyone in the car must shout
out the window, "who's walking who?" It is the shotgunner's responsibility
and failure to spot potential heckling, results in demotion to the bitch
seat!
24. When riding in a 2 or 3 door car, it is the responsibility of the
shotgunner to allow rear passengers in and out of the back of the car, NOT
THE DRIVERS!! Regardless of the weather conditions.
25. Obviously the previous rule on the subject didn't clarify things
completely with everyone coming up with a new rule that over rules shotgun.
NOTHING overrules shotgun. Shotgun is final and cannot be overruled!!!!
26. It is the successful shotgunners responsibility to be on the look out
for any police and/or speed cameras. if the shotgunner doesn't spot a speed
camera and this results in a speeding ticket it is immediately their fault
and not the drivers.

From: Ratchet@mFgYdM~nBcaNomHpnaCKQCZYUAzkq2RSCFsSwvdB8aE
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a spammer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the spammer. Twice.

What do you have when you bury six spammers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

----- KillerJoke1@TL1p79JJUKUHKw532nNFZBg+Heo ----- 2008.02.14 - 20:28:34GMT ---Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo

Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-dloo-doo-doo-doo-doo...

I'm singing in the flood

Just singing in the flood
What a glorious feelin'
I'm happy again
I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love
Let the stormy clouds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on with the flood
I've a smile on my face
I walk down the lane
With a happy refrain
Just singin',
Singin' in the flood
Dancin' in the flood
Dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah
Dee-ah dee-ah dee-ah
I'm happy again!
I'm singin' and dancin' in the flood!
I'm dancin' and singin' in the flood...

----- YYYBoInGYYY@zGP7+V585_GrSaf4EvZMPgg87Sk ----- 2008.02.10 - 13:58:44GMT ---a man comes up to another and says: lets do a real censorship free network witho
ut childporn and other illegal contend!

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.02.09 - 13:42:04GMT ----APPLE boss Steve Jobs yesterday unveiled the computer giant's latest
eye-catching innovation: one of his shits in a simple white box.
Image
The box has clean, simple lines and contains a shit
The billionaire pioneer said he was inspired after the company developed
the world's thinnest laptop computer.
"We took most of the useful things out of it and doubled the price. The early
demand has been incredible.
"I was then struck by an amazing idea: How much would you pay for one of my
shits in a box?"
Jobs said that the first 100 shits will be his, but because of his busy schedule
most of the mass market shits will be built in the Far East and carry his person
al
endorsement.
Carl Knutz, an early adopter of San Andreas, California, said he would pay
$1,999 for the shit, but only if it was ultra-slim and back-lit and unable to
run the most commonly available software programmes.

He said: "I want a shit in a box that sets me apart from the crowd and tells
people that I am young, hip, and creative."
Bobby Killitz, 23, also of San Andreas, said he would hold on to see if Steve
Jobs would produce a cheaper shit later this year after the initial frenzy had
died down.
He said: "I think within six months he will either halve the price of the shit
or lay two of his logs in there for the same price. He's pulled that kind of
trick before."

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.02.09 - 13:27:30GMT ----1. The Japanese eat very little fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans, British or Australians;
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
2. The French eat lots of fat, and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans,
British or Australians;
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine, and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans, British or Australians;
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
4. The French (and Italians) drink excessive amounts of red wine, and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans, British or Australians.
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like, and in any quantities; it's
speaking English that kills you.

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.02.08 - 13:48:11GMT ----Q: Why is Six afraid of Seven?
A: Because Seven ate Nine
(if you don't get it, try reading it out loud)

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.02.07 - 18:52:48GMT ----Religious Guy dies and flyes up to the Pearly Gates, St.Peter is there, the guy
asks "is God in?" and Pete says "which one?".
So the really religious guy goes "how you mean 2hich one' "the" God of course!
The one, the only, the almighty, all-knowing..."
Pete raises one hand to interrupt him, turns his face to the inside and yells
"Yo! Who takes the fanatics today?"

(Adapted from an old cartoon by Quino)

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.31 - 11:53:09GMT ----KGB Agent #1: What do you think about the Government?
KGB Agent #2: Same as you, comarade!
KGB Agent #1: Well, then I will have to arrest you...

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.11 - 08:18:58GMT ----Men can talk about a topic for hours.
Women don't need a topic.

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.10 - 06:35:45GMT ----Law of Mechanical Repair:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or
you will have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of yo
ur act.
Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss, you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move
faster than the one you are in now (Works every time)
Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water and covered with soap, the telephone ri
ngs.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone
with whom you do not want to be seen.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine will not work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theater Rule:

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something that will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you do not know about what you are talking.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it is ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.07 - 16:10:27GMT ----Yesterday -- The Backup Song

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.02 - 13:58:48GMT ----Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results

of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men
should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer
makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessiv
ely
without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.

----- Anonymous ----- 2008.01.02 - 13:38:15GMT ----two drunks are walking home along a railway line new year morning.
one says "hell theres a lot of steps".
his mate replied "yeah and what idiot put the handrail so low?"