NLP AND ADVANCED

TECHNIQUES OF
RAPPORT
Mini-Ebook on NLP and Rapport

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This free tutorial on rapport and neurolinguistic programming ( NLP ) is a

complete lesson on the basic skills for achieving maximum persuasion and/or
seduction.
NLP boosts the power of rapport building techniques, allowing you to gain
total leadership in any situation.
Are you experiencing relationship problems? Facing difficulties in conquering
beautiful women? Well, now you are about to learn the key to solving all your
relationship problems with a powerful set of communicational tools!

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Rapport And The Art of Clear Communication

We will see how people process information and make sense out of things. In
order to get people to understand what you mean, you first need to
understand how they understand, or at least how they try to understand.
When you understand how other people process information, you can
organise your communication in a way that fits their modes of perception.
Weve still going to be talking about pacing (and leading), but well be dealing
mainly with less visible behaviour, that which goes on inside other people. In
the latter part of this section, well relate the information about how people
understand to one of the most powerful techniques ever devised for mutual
understanding and clear communication. This is the technique of active
listening, pioneered in the early 1950s by Carl Rogers. Well then take a step
beyond active listening to probing for hidden meanings.

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Understanding How Other People Understand

Misunderstandings can result when people automatically assume that others
think as they do. Robert Sommer, The Minds Eye, p.67, 68, 69.
A way of looking at the different modes of perception was suggested by Carl
Jung. He placed thinking and feeling at opposite ends of one axis and
intuition and sensation at opposite ends of a cross-axis.

He felt that everyone uses all four of these modes, but that, for example, a
person could be typed by his or her using predominantly thinking and
sensation, and using less intuition and feeling. In addition, Jung felt that a
person could be more introverted than extroverted, or vice versa.
One of the major uses Jung made of this model of human character was to
describe some differences in the way women and men are trained to behave
in society.
Women- trained to act on intuition and feeling.
Men- trained to act on thinking and sensation (using sensory data).
These differences can be very significant for both personal and business
relationships. Jung, as well as many other leading thinkers today, believed
that a person can become whole by learning to function in modes they are not
trained to. Again, having requiste variety and the range to cover all modes of
perception will help you establish rapport more easily.
The feeling mode is the one most people in our culture have most difficulty
understanding. This, no doubt, is a major reason why body and emotive
theories have become so popular in recent years. We want to get back in
touch with our bodies and feelings, and it seems we need the help of
professionals to do so. Perhaps the cause of this is that as children we were
often punished for expressing our feelings, especially when those feelings
went counter to the desires of our parents and other adult authority figures.
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And for safetys sake, small children are often admonished to look but dont
touch.
The fact that different people process information in different modes is, of
course, critically important. Communication means different things to different
people. Couples go into counselling because of communication problems
arising from the differences over what communication means. In a typical
interview the counsellor would ask what the problem is -- the wife may say
that her husband doesnt listen to her whilst he may say she doesnt look at
him when he talks to her. Or either may feel that the others unfeeling or
uncaring because theyre not very affectionate or emotionally responsive.
When a mismatching of perceptual modes is involved in the problem, the
counsellor would first make the couple aware of whats going on, to point out
to them that each is asking something alien for the other. The next step might
be to get each person to learn to communicate in ways that are meaningful to
the other. In the case above, for example, the counsellor might encourage the
husband to pay more attention to what the wife is saying. The wife might be
advised to establish eye contact with her husband more frequently to show
him that shes paying attention to him.

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NLP Basics:
Seeing Is Believing,
Hearing Is Believing, Feeling Is Believing
Each of us has, at any one time, a dominant or primary mode of perception.
Bandler and Grinder observed psychiatrist Erikson and therapists Satir and
Perl and referred to the three ways people generally process information as
representational systems. They describe the process this way ; When you
make initial contact with a person, they will probably be thinking in one of the
three main representational systems. Internally they will be generating visual,
images, having feelings, or talking to themselves and hearing sounds.

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How To Identify Perceptual Modes With NLP

One of the simplest ways to identify another persons dominant perceptual
mode is to pay close attention to the words, phrases, and images he uses.
Predominant Modes:
VISUAL- words used, I see what you mean, This idea looks good to me, I
want the big picturewell focus on details later, My point of view is.,
and so on.
AUDITORY- words used, Tell me again.Im not sure I heard you right,
That sounds like a good idea, Let me use you as a sounding board for an
idea I have, Yes thats clear as a bell, or, Something just went click in my
mind.
FEELING- words used, I sense what you mean, That idea feels right, I
cant get a handle on this concept, and Hes the kind of guy who can take an
idea and run with it.
Semantically, That idea looks good, That idea sounds good, and That
idea feels good, all mean the same thing. But psychologically they involve
entirely different processes. Identifying which mode is dominant in other
people at any given time is an important key to their pattern of understanding,
and is therefore an important element both in understanding them and getting
them to understand you.
Another way to find out which perceptual mode is preferred by another
person is simply to ask, How would you like this information presented to
you? people are usually aware enough of their own process to give fairly
accurate answers to this question. Some people, for example, will ask you to
write it down for them (including graphs, charts, or pictures). Whilst others will
just ask you to tell them what you want. Still, others will tell you that they want
to get a good feeling for the situation and that its important for them to know
they can trust you (such individuals may often say that theyd appreciate it if
youd stay in touch with them).

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How To Get Others To Understand You With NLP

When you use the other persons dominant perceptual mode, he or she will
respond.
Sometimes its not readily apparent which form of communication a person
will respond to. In such cases you may require using a trial and error
approach. For example, if youre not sure whether another person is
responding to you in a visual, auditory, or feeling mode, you might pause
periodically to ask, Does this idea look good to you? or, Can you see
yourself using this system? or, How does this sound to you? or, Does it
answer some of the questions you have been asking yourself? or, Id like to
know: how you feel about this program? or, Does this seem like something
you can run with?
If you dont get a meaningful response to the question presented in a visual
mode, switch to auditory and if theres still no response move to the feeling
level. A frequent mistake people make when theyre presenting ideas to
others is to interpret a lack of meaningful responses as resistance, when in
fact the other persons response may simply mean that you have failed to
communicate in a way that they can make sense of. By having flexibility
(requisite variety) to switch from one perceptual mode to another, you will be
able to reach most people most of the time, and they will clearly understand
what you want. This will enable you to get their co-operation and support
more easily.

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NLP And Custom-Designed Word Pictures

Having correctly identified and made the necessary connection to someones
mode, you can then proceed to more sophisticated use of perceptual modes,
that of perceptual overlap. The basic idea is to heighten other peoples
receptivity to an idea by presenting it so that they can see, hear and feel
themselves experiencing the benefits of the idea.
Perceptual overlapping allows you to custom-design the word picture to fit the
primary and secondary perceptual modes of the person you are attempting to
persuade.

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NLP And Active Listening For Building Rapport

Weve seen how different people organise their perceptions, in the visual,
auditory, or feeling modes and how to gain greater trust and understanding by
being aware of these differences and then matching the other persons
dominant perceptual mode.
An important strategy in effectively communicating what you mean to another
person and ensuring that you understand what the other person means is
active listening. The term grew out of research and practice in the 1940s and
1950s. One of the best statements on this technique is in an article by Carl
Rogers, that appeared in the Harvard Business Review in 1952, entitled
Barriers and Gateways to Communication. Rogers identifies what he
believes to be the major barrier to effective communication: our tendency to
evaluate or judge the ideas of another person or group.
The way to accomplish empathic understanding according to Rogers, is by
following this rule, Each person can speak up for himself only after he has
first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately and to
that speakers satisfaction.
To listen actively to another person means, then, that you learn to see, hear,
and feel in the same way that he or she sees, hears, and feels. In effect, it is
another form of pacing, of establishing rapport. We believe that active
listening, as described by Rogers, can be enhanced by pacing some of the
other behaviours mentioned in part one. By pacing, or synchronising, your
mood, body language, speech rate, and even breathing with the other person,
you achieve strong rapport while maximising mutual understanding. In
addition, by matching perceptual modes you further ensure that you and the
other person are communicating on the same level.
Sometimes when you paraphrase what you think someone has said, they will
modify or clarify what was actually intended. In other words, you might not
have misunderstood but, on hearing you restate it, they will realise that they
have left something out. This statement summarises nicely the problems of
clear communication. I know you think you understood what you think I said,
but I wonder if you realise what I said is not what I meant.
Clear communication can be difficult.

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Probing With NLP For Hidden Messages

Active listening means listening emphatically so that you share, insofar as
possible, the other persons experience, so that you receive his or her
communication in precisely the way it is intended. This is an extremely useful
practice. But there is a potential problem here, even if you receive the
speakers intended meaning, because people are not always completely
aware of what they mean when they make statements. For example in the
statement, Im confused, the speaker is probably confused because they
are not aware of something that they want or need to be conscious of. In this
case active listening is not likely to produce much more than mutual
confusion.
Most people know that almost every sentence we utter omits something
either intentionally or unintentionally. When someone speaks to us our choice
is either to guess at what is missing or ask for clarification.
A question used to probe for hidden meanings is Why? This useful question
unearths a wealth of information about another person. But Why? can also
be a potential barrier to effective probing. When asked to justify a certain
action or behaviour, the form of the question is usually, for example, Why are
you so late? or Why did / didnt you do that? such questions can be
intimidating and may generate defensiveness in another person. Coupled
with an accusing tone, they strongly convey judgement and evaluation of a
negative kind. One limitation involves the structure of our language. A Why?
question can easily be answered with the Because. construction.
Q: Why are you confused?
A: Because I dont understand.
The answers would not give any additional information. A more effective
approach to probing for the unexpressed or hidden is to ask What questions
(and its variations- Who, Which, when, Where, and How)-asked in a non
threatening tone will usually produce a specific response:
Q: What, specifically are you confused about?
A: Well, I dont quite understand the exact relation between A and B.
Note however that Why? questions are not always inappropriate nor that
What? questions will always get you the specific information you want. But
Why? will frequently result in generalisations, rationalisations, denials, or
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justifications. What? questions tend to produce specifics.

Person A: Ive made my decision and its final.
Person B: Why?
A: Because I said so!
Now see the What approachA: Ive made my decision and its final.
B: What could cause you to change your mind? or Under what
circumstances might you change your mind?
A: Well, I might change my mind if

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Summary on Rapport and NLP

People organise their experiences in three perceptual modes; the visual, the
auditory, or the feeling. Bandler and Grinder have observed in their work with
Erikson , that each of us has, at any one time a dominant perceptual mode, or
representational system, to which the others are secondary. In our culture, for
most people most of the time, the visual mode is primary. The expressions,
Seeing is believing, and, I saw it with my own eyes are indicative of the
importance we attach to visually processed information.
Auditory mode; the next most frequently used mode, a person attends to
tonal qualities (sounds) of the information being processed, or constructs
dialogues to organise his or her perceptions. These dialogues may be silent,
internal ones, or they be uttered aloud. Often, people having conversations
with themselves are not consciously aware of what theyre doing. In contrast
to the visualizer, who is creating mental pictures, the person in an auditory
mode is continually talking to themselves.
Still other people tend to organize their perceptions primarily around their
feelings and sensations in their responses to the world.
Everyone uses and has access to all these modes regardless of what their
bias is. Whats important to note is that this phenomenon of (unconscious)
bias exists. As communicators, we can dramatically increase the
effectiveness of our communicators.
By using active listening techniques, you can reach closer mutual
understandings with others. Active listening involves a reflection back to other
people of what you understand them to be saying.
By combining active listening with an awareness of perceptual modes and
other pacing techniques, you can help to ensure that you see, hear, and feel
what the other person is experiencing.
To move beyond active listening, to probe for hidden meanings, it is
necessary to ask questions. What? questions produce more specific
responses than why? questions which often result in defensiveness or
generalisations.

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Suggestions For Practice of NLP-Rapport Techniques

1) During conversations with clients, colleagues, and friends and while
listening to radio or television pay attention to the words and phrases people
use to describe their experiences. Try to identify their dominant perceptual
modes.
2) Keep a notebook to jot down words and phrases that indicate perceptual
modes.
3) Practice using the same words and phrases as others in your
conversations with them. Vary this practice by choosing different words while
remaining within the same perceptual mode.
4) In your conversations with others, practice active listening. Reflect back to
them your understanding of what theyve said or intended. Remain in their
dominant perceptual mode while doing this. You might also pace some of
their other behaviours to strengthen the bond of rapport you are creating.
5) Whenever someone says something important that you dont fully
understand, probe for hidden meaning by asking What? questions. Vary this
by asking Why? questions to determine the difference in responses.
Phone now and get more informations!

or mail at: rapport@neurolinguistic.com

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