University of Management & Technology

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITH CHILDREN

Today we are experiencing an ever-growing communication gap between parents,
teachers and the children whom they are responsible for. Only through honest and
sincere communication can we help our children to become honest, healthy and
happy individuals.

THE BASIS OF COMMUNICATION

The guidelines for effective communication with

children are, of course, the same as those for
communication between all human beings.

The basis of communication is the golden rule, "do to

others as you would like others to do to you". So we
simply need to ask, "how we would like others to
communicate with us?" Here are some thoughts:

1. We would all like honesty from all who

communicate with us. No one likes being told lies.
Nor do we like people to make up stories and
excuses. We would like to hear the truth about what the other is thinking, feeling or
doing. We feel safer, more able to cope with any situation when we know what we
are dealing with. The same holds for our children. When we tell them lies, they feel
insecure and distrustful of the world around them. They learn to tell lies. There can
be no communication in such a case. Although the truth might not always be the
easiest response, it is always the "soul- ution"

2. We all want logical reasoning and explanations from the person who is
communicating with us. If he or she speaks in an irrational way, or says, "look it will
simply be done this way and I have no intention of explaining to you why; do it that
way because I said so, because I want it that way, although it seems illogical", we will
not feel very happy. We will feel that the other has no interest in our needs or
feelings. We will feel that he or she is not respecting us. This is the way our children
feel when we give orders or make statements without explaining the reasons behind
them.

No child is too young to be spoken to with reason and logic. Even if he or she cannot
grasp all the factors involved, he or she will at least feel respected. That is extremely
important.

3. Respect is absolutely essential in communication. We need to respect both

ourselves and the other. That means that on the one hand, we do not suppress that
which we want or feel, and on the other, we do not suppress the other. It also means
2
that we do not shout at, criticize or demean the others with harsh words. We would
not like to be talked to in this way. Children are even more sensitive and vulnerable
to shouting and harsh words. Their self-image and sense of security are seriously
undermined.
Respect breeds respect. When we show respect to our children during their early
years they will return this behavior in the later years. If we frequently criticize,
blame, demean or speak down to them, we will find that during adolescence, this
lack of respect will then be returned to us.

4. We all want to be loved. We want to know that the other person cares for us,
accepts us. It is not necessary for them to agree with us or accept all that we do or
believe. We can accept each other despite our differences. This kind of unconditional
acceptance is essential for open, honest communication. If we feel that the other is
going to get angry, reject us or nag me for something which we will tell him or her,
then we will likely not communicate at all with that person. This is a situation
children get into frequently.

When we continuously criticize and advise our children, they gradually stop telling us
what they are doing. They stop communicating, because whatever they will say will
be criticized. Or they may start criticizing us. They start rejecting whatever we say.
They may do this with words or with actions which symbolize rebellion, independence
and rejection of our beliefs.

Assurance that there will always be love and acceptance, whatever the one or the
other may do, keeps the channel open for honest communication. We are talking
about accepting the being and not every action which he or she may perform. This
distinction is important. We can express our displeasure or disagreement concerning a
particular belief or behavior, while still feeling love and acceptance for the child.

5. Our children look for consistency from their elders. When there is no consistency
between words and actions, the basis of communication breaks down, because words
have no meaning they are empty.

6. Communication is a two way process. We need to learn to speak and to listen. We

do not like communicating with someone who talks continuously and does not allow us
a chance to express ourselves. On the other hand, neither do we like it when we
speak and the other does not respond. A balance is needed. Most of us need to learn
to listen more. Children need a sounding board for their thoughts, discoveries and
problems. If we are not capable of listening properly our children will close up and /
or find someone else to talk with.
 

HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW

Let us briefly mention how most people communicate now. There are two basic
categories; those who suppress themselves and do not communicate; and those who

3
 suppress the others by raising their
voices, blaming and criticizing the
others, ordering them around in various
ways.

The first group of self-suppressors

eventually develops various physical and
psychological problems, through the
suppression of their needs, emotions and
beliefs.

The second group may manage to get

what they want from the others, but they also cause the others to develop feelings of
resentment towards them.

Neither of these methods of communication is effective. What then is the alternative?

There is a third possibility in which we communicate the truth and do not suppress
our feelings, beliefs or needs. But we express ourselves without demeaning or blaming
the other in anyway. We maintain respect for ourselves and for the other. We neither
speak up to nor down towards the other, but rather directly and openly, as two
mature adults, who are taking responsibility for their lives and their realities.

This is absolutely essential in our communication with children. Blaming children for
our unhappiness seriously undermines their self-image, self-confidence, self-worth
and self-love.

SELF-ANALYSIS

Effective communication is not possible without a clear understanding of what we are

feeling. Behind every feeling or emotion there lies a belief conscious or subconscious
(usually the latter) which is causing us to have that emotion. That belief could be
called a "programming". What we feel is a result of what we believe about what is
happening. What we believe is dependent on our childhood experiences, and
conclusions. These affect how we feel in certain situations, and thus they affect how
we act towards our children and others.

We need to be able to understand what we are feeling, and why we are feeling that
way, so that we can communicate the truth to the child. This is effective
communication - the truth.

Most often we do not communicate the truth. We do not want to lie, but we simply
have not yet discovered the truth. We have not yet analyzed ourselves to discover
why we are feeling the way we are. We have not analyzed our programmings and
beliefs to see whether they are logical or simply learned thoughts, patterns, habits
and fears which we have been programmed into us and which are causing us to
mechanically transfer our beliefs, prejudices, fears, and expectations onto our

4
children.

There can be no evolution in this way. And where there is no evolution eventually
there is revolution. When we fail to continue to grow, then we obviously come into
conflict with the forces of change and evolution which are working through our
children. The result is conflict between us. We are not suggesting that we adopt our
children¹s beliefs or ways, but rather that we simply do some self-analysis to examine
our programmings, needs, motives, expectations and fears to see if they are valid,
fair and practical.

EMOTIONS ARE THE RESULT OF OUR INTERPRETATIONS OF REALITY

Our emotions are not so much the function of what others do or what happens in the
world. How we feel is a
function of how we
interpret the world and
events around us. Each
person, observing the
same event, will feel
differently depending on
his or her childhood
programming,
expectations, attachments
and fears. No two people
will feel exactly the same
while observing the same
event, or receiving the
same stimulus.

What does this have to do with communication? Everything. We communicate what

we feel. This is true even when we try to suppress or hide our feelings. They are
transmitted like radar to those around us without words or expression.

We often fail to express what we really feel. We might express anger and rejection to
our children (or others) when in reality we are feeling fear or self-doubt. This is not
truthful communication.

Usually our first emotion is self-doubt, disappointment or fear, and then we feel
anger. But we express only the anger. We hold the others responsible for our
unhappiness. We use phrases like "bad boy", "bad girl", "you are lazy", "you are stupid",
"you will not do anything in your life", "you will be the death of me", "you are driving
me crazy". "you are making me ill."

5
These messages, although not really meant, are taken very seriously by children and
are programmed into their subconscious mind. They then begin to make those words
come true. Or they may spend their whole life trying to prove that they are not true.
No matter how much they may prove it, however, they may never succeed in
believing that they is okay because they are programmed deep inside to doubt their
worth,

Such messages are called "you-messages" and are based on the false idea that the
other is responsible for how we feel. Our programming and expectations are
responsible for how we feel. We create our inner reality with how we interpret the
events around us.

"You-messages" are destructive to our children¹s self-image and close the door to
open communication. We may succeed in making our children behave in this way but
we will lose our loving contact and cause them to have serious problems. A more
effective method of communication is called the "I-message".
 

"I - MESSAGES"

In the I-message we explain to

the child what we are really
feeling and the thoughts,
beliefs, expectations, fears
and attachments that create
those feelings within us. We
communicate:

1. The various emotions which

we are having.
2. The beliefs and programmings which are creating these emotions.

3. What stimulus or behavior on the part of the child triggers this mechanism?

4. How we usually act towards the child when we feel that way.

5. What we need and are asking from the child. (Perhaps some help or behavior
change.)

6. Then we ask the child to explain how he or she feels and we exercise active
listening.

6
Let us take an example. A child brings home low grades. This is the stimulus, the
event which is perceived by the parents¹ senses. Let us examine some of the
emotions, which the parents might feel with this event. Parents will feel differently
depending on their programmings and expectations. One may feel disappointment,
insecurity, shame, doubt about oneself as parent, anger towards the child, anger
towards the teachers, inferiority towards other parents whose children are doing
better, concern for the child or even guilt. Some parents may be strongly affected.
Others may approach the problem more rationally and effectively without panic and
family crisis.

Now what are some of the programmings or beliefs which a parent may have which
may create some of these emotions. It is important to examine these, because, we
may be being controlled by false programmings which may cause us to express anger
or rejection towards the child, which, in this case, is probably the last thing he or she
needs. The child too is obviously having a problem. This is a time when he or she
needs to feel support and help in understanding what is preventing him or her from
using his or her abilities to a greater extent. Rejection or harsh words will only make
the child react more negatively or close into himself or herself.

MESSAGES ABOUT LOW GRADES

So, why is the parent feeling what he feels? What are some of the programmings or
beliefs which control his mind?

1. A child must have high grades in order to succeed in the world.

A parent who is programmed in this way will feel fear about the child¹s future and
failure in his role as parent to prepare his child for the world.

Thus his or her "I-message" would be something like this, "John, I would like to talk
with you. I have a problem. I feel responsible for your future. I believe that it is my
responsibility to do whatever I can to help you be successful and happy in your life. I
also believe that high grades are essential for your survival and success and happiness
in the future. Perhaps I am not giving you something which you need. I would really
like to talk about this in detail. How do you feel? Is there anything which is bothering
you or preventing you from concentrating?

With this kind of "I-message" which leads into active listening in which we help the
child to open up to us, the child is less likely to feel accused or hurt. Thus he or she
will not need to react negatively or close up. There will be a greater possibility of
open, honest, effective communication.

7
At the same time, the parent would do well to examine those programmings which he
has. It is true that success and happiness depend on high grades at school? Does this
theory hold up? Are the highly educated and very rich really happy and healthy?
Perhaps some are. Did those who are successful, dynamic, happy, productive
members of society have high grades or are there other factors involved?

Perhaps higher grades can be had by one who knows how to memorize and be a robot
at school. Does that mean that he or she can think, analyze and communicate with
people? Does that mean that he or she is ethical or able to function in our society?
Perhaps too much importance is being given to one of the many factors that may help
our children survive and succeed in life. There are many others which may be much
important in our child¹s life such as morality, character, love for others, self-respect,
self-confidence, enthusiasm, creativity, concern for others, and various other talents
which the child may have.

When we worry and pressure our children on the basis of this one factor, we risk
destroying all the others in the conflict that takes place. In general, the most creative
and analytical minds cannot thrive in the mechanized uncreative school system.

2. A second belief a parent may have is that "I am successful if my child is successful
and unsuccessful if my child fails."

In this case we might explain this programming to the child. But do we have the right
to ask the child to conform to some sort of behavior that simply fulfils our subjective
programmings and expectations? Why should our children be forced to fulfill our
expectations so that we can feel successful? That child may have been born to take a
completely different road, to have other experiences that have nothing to do with our
expectations or our definition of success.

We may be defining success with conditions like plenty of money, high professional
position, or high social status. But will that particular personality who is now our child
be happy in that role? Does money really bring happiness? Do people in high positions
seem happier than others? Are they enjoying life? Are they healthy? Do they have
harmony with those around them? What do we want for our children, success in the
eyes of society or health, happiness and harmony? In some cases they may be able to
have all that. In other cases, they may conflict. We cannot know. There is a small
voice in the child that does know.

It is better for our children to decide what they want to do with their lives. Their
inner voice will guide them sooner or later to the role that they as souls have come to
play on earth.

If we believe that we are successful if our children are successful we need to examine
the difference between efforts and results. As parents our responsible for our efforts
and motives. Not for the results. Parents with many children can verify that although

8
they treat the different children much in the same way, they react in completely
differently. It seems that each child brings with him or her some already developed
traits, which are independent of their childhood programmings.

How we behave towards our children and how we live our lives are extremely
important factors in our children¹s character development. But they are not the only
factors. So we cannot judge ourselves based on the results of what happens with our
children. We only evaluate our motives and efforts. Have our motives been pure?
Have we always done what we have thought at that time was best for our children
(regardless of whether today we see that we might have made other choices). Have
we always tried to do the best of our ability with the energy and consciousness which
we had at every moment in the past? Clarifying this point this will help us be at ease
with our conscience, and will free us from the need to force our children to succeed
in our terms, so that we can feel that we are successful parents. This is a great
weight for our children to carry. We would not like to carry this weight and we have
no right to place it on them.

3. Another belief, cause a parent feel upset with the news of the low grades is, "I
must have the others¹ acceptance, recognition and respect in order to feel self-
acceptance and self-love". If we need recognition from friends and society through
our children¹s performance at school, then we will feel shame, inferiority, failure and
then anger at them for putting us in that position.

If we, in such a case, express only our anger and accuse them of being failures and
useless, then we not being truthful. We are not expressing our real feelings, which
came before the anger.

Something that we need to understand is that anger is always a second or third

emotion. We feel anger when we first feel fear, insecurity, hurt or guilt. When we are
angry we can be sure that somewhere behind that anger we fear something. It may be
difficult to find but it is, without doubt, there.

Take the present example. We might have any of the following fears.

1. Fear of rejection or ridicule by friends and relatives whose children may be doing
better than ours do.
2. Fear of failing in the role of the parent.
3. Fear about the child¹s future of the child.
4. Fear of losing control over the child.
5. Fear of our belief system and expectations being rejected.

These fears cause us to feel anger. Thus, the "you- message" to our children that they
are no good, is not the complete truth. We need to analyze our own needs for
affirmation and approval from others, our doubt about our abilities as a parent and
the various other emotions, which we may have had before we felt anger.

9
The problem is that these emotions work so quickly and usually subconsciously that
we have difficulty perceiving these emotions which hide behind and create our anger.
In such cases keeping a diary is essential. We can take ten to twenty minutes every
evening before sleeping and write down the major emotional experiences of the day.
We can analyze the programmings or beliefs that are causing these emotions. In this
way we will gradually gain clarity.

We can see that a great part of effective communication is analyzing ourselves.

Without this we cannot communicate honestly.
 

ACTIVE LISTENING

Now the child himself obviously has a problem which is not allowing him or her to use
his or her mental abilities to their full potential. The problem could have to do with
conflicts within the family, conflicts with other children or with teachers at school,
disappointments in love, lack of self-confidence, lack of proper nutrition,
disillusionment with society and the school system, as well as many other
possibilities.

In such a case, the most effective method of communication is active listening. Let us
look again at some brief guidelines for active listening.

1) Let the other talk without interruption. Do not break his or her flow with your need
to project your own ideas. When we interrupt others, we cut off their flow. This flow
may bring to the surface the cause of the problem, which they themselves have not
yet discovered.

2) Look into the other’s eyes and not away. Let your body be facing the person and
not sideways. Show interest in what the other is saying, and in this way let him or her
know that you are listening actively and carefully, and care about what he or she is
saying.

3) Do not, in any case, criticize or start giving advice. It is extremely important not to
criticize or disagree or reject during the active listening. At the end of the discussion
we may state how we feel. After the discussion is completed, if we do not agree, we,
of course, have the right to state so. But during the active listening do not stop the
other’s flow with criticism or rejection.

4) Ask questions which help you to understand more clearly what the other is feeling.
These question will help both you and the other (in this case, the child) to understand
what the problem is. You can imagine that you are the other. Imagine how he or she
feels, and what is going on in his or her life and you will be guided to the right
questions to ask. Asking questions rather than giving advice may be difficult for some

10
of us in the beginning. It is not easy, but those who have tried it have found it very
effective and have been surprised by the results.

In some cases where we might be performing this technique mechanically, the others
may be surprised and react negatively, especially if they have learned to receive
continual criticism. But if we persist to show interest, and stop criticizing, at some
point the child will open up. We must also be sensitive about the correct time and
place to approach the other. Also a child must never be pushed against his will into
discussing something which he or she does not want to. Eventually the need to come
close to us will help him or her to open to us.

5) We may also affirm whether or not what we have understood from the other’s
communication is correct. This technique is used by most psychologists to help a
person open up and get clarity about what he or she is feeling. We simply repeat back
to our children what they are telling us in our own words. This helps us to verify that
we have understood what they are saying, and helps them to feel that we are
accepting what they are saying. If they feel that we have not understood, they will
try to explain to us in a different way. This will help all to become clearer about what
is bothering each.

These techniques for effective communication can do much to bring harmony and love
to our relationships with our children. It is important that parents get started with
this system immediately. No child is too young to understand this type of
communication.

Remember that the basis for all successful communication is love. Below you will find
various examples of effective communication for various situations with children.

A CHILD WANTS TO GO TO THE MOVIES

A child keeps pleading to be taken to a movie, but has not cleaned up his room for
several days, a job, which he agreed to do.

What might be an average type of communication? An average parent may call the
child lazy, irresponsible and inconsiderate.

An I-message in this case might be something like this:

"My child, sit down. I would like to express to you how I feel at this moment. There is
conflict within me: on the one hand, I love you and want you to be happy. I want you
to be able to enjoy that which makes you happy. I would like to take you to the
movies, so that you might enjoy yourself. On the other hand, I feel cheated and that
an injustice has been done, because we have made an agreement that you would

11
clean your room, and you have not kept it. That makes me feel that you are not
respecting our agreement and my need for your room to be clean.

"I also have another need, which is to feel that I am bringing you up in the proper
way. When I see that you are not taking your word and your responsibilities seriously,
I have doubts as to whether I am doing a good job and whether you will be able to
function well in society, if you are not keeping your word. So I cannot bring myself to
take you to the movies until you keep your word and clean up your room".

The parent may then lead into active listening with something like, "How do you feel
what I have just said to you? Does it seem fair? Do you feel hurt? Would you like to
talk about it?"

Also, the parent may take this opportunity to discuss with the child the factors that
have prevented him from cleaning up his room.

"From the fact that you have not cleaned up your room, I get the idea that you do not
like to do that job. Is there some special reason for that? Do you feel that it is unfair
that I ask you to do that? What do you think would be a fair way to handle this
situation? Have you some suggestions as to how we can overcome this source of
tension between us?"

I can hear some parents who are reading this saying to themselves, "My child will
never understand these explanations". My personal experience is that any child over
two years old can understand the intent behind this communication and will feel the
parent’s respect, love and concern through it, and will feel the same for the parent.

THE BLARING STEREO

A child is playing her CD’s so loud that the parents in the next room cannot
communicate with one another.

An angry parent may likely say, "Can’t you be more considerate of others? Are you
deaf? Why do you play that so loud?"

Would we talk that way to our neighbors if they were playing the music that loud?
Would we talk that way to our colleague, our boss or our friends? Do we have the
right to speak demeaningly to our children just because we think they belong to us?
Imagine how you would politely communicate with a neighbor who was playing music
loudly (especially if he is physically bigger than you are).

Remember that the key to effective communication is that we neither suppress

ourselves nor the others. We respect both our needs and those of the others. So, we

12
are not going to put up with the music, but neither are we going to hurt the other¹s
feelings.

An example in this case might be as follows:

"Maria, could you please turn down the music for a moment? I would like to tell you
something which is very important to me. I have conflicting needs. My need for you is
to be happy and not to feel suppressed. I also do not want to be in a state of conflict
with you because when I am, I do not feel at all well; and neither do you.

"On the other hand, I cannot tolerate the high volume which you were just playing
your music. Your father and I are trying to talk in the next room and we cannot hear
each other because of the music.

"I also have the need not to bother the neighbors, just as I would not like them to
bother us. I would like to keep up good relationships with them. I ‘m afraid that the
loud music may be bothering them. For that reason I ask you to please cooperate on
this matter and play the music at a lower volume or perhaps you could wear
headphones and enjoy the music at the volume you prefer, while we have peace".

Then the parent might want to lead into active listening as to how the child feels
about that message. "How do you feel about what I ‘m asking you to do? Do you feel
suppressed or unhappy? I hope we can find a way for both of us to be happy. Tell me
your feelings".

This method of communication is much more likely to encourage willful cooperation

from the child, while respect between parent and child is mutually maintained.

Although we feel great love for our children, we are often unable to communicate
that love, because of a lack in communication skills. We mean well; but our own
problems and fears get in our way and disrupt our communication with our children.
 

A NOTE FROM THE TEACHER

A twelve-year-old is sent home by a teacher with

a note stating that he was speaking loudly, using
"filthy" language. What might be the parents’
reaction?

One might be, "Come here and explain to me

why you want to embarrass your parents with
your filthy mouth". Another would be to simply
punish the child with no discussion. Another

13
might be to degrade the child’s image of himself by criticizing him for his various
mistakes and faults in general.

All of these express to some extent the feelings that we may have. But they are not
effective communication, because they do not express all our feelings and serve only
to make the child feel badly, without offering any opportunity for understanding what
the child’s problem is in reality.

Obviously, the child has some need to speak in that way. He may have some problem
or a need for attention or recognition. When we focus only on our own embarrassment
and fear, and ignore what might be going on in the child at this time, we lose contact
with the child.

The child knows he has made a mistake, but he is unable to deal with the forces,
which cause him to act in this way. His way of speaking at school was either an outlet
for some inner tension or resentment or an attempt for attention or recognition. We
would do better to discuss our feelings about the situation with the child and try to
help the child to open up so that we may discover what is going on in the child’s
mind.

A possible communication might be something like this:

"Ali, I have a strong need to talk about this note with you. I am very concerned both
for you and me. I am shocked and surprised, and I must admit a bit embarrassed in
the eyes of others. But these are my problems. What concerns me most is that I also
feel that maybe I have made some mistake in my attitude towards you. I feel
somehow responsible for your behavior since I am your parent, and I wonder if I am
doing a good job or not in bringing you up the way I do. I would like to try to
understand.

"Please explain to me the events which happened at school and what was that made
you feel the need to speak loudly and in that way. I would also like to know if there is
something that I do which has contributed towards your feeling that you must express
yourself in that way. I would also like you to tell me if there is anything that I can do
to help you to feel more comfortable and happier".

The child may or may not open up. He may or may not be able to understand
consciously what his problem is. In most cases, with the help of active listening the
child will come to an understanding of what is going on within him.

14
 THE MESSY HOUSE

A mother arrives home tired and upset after

work and a variety of other chores. Upon
entering the house she finds everything to be
in a mess. She had asked the children to
keep the house clean because there would be
visitors coming over that evening. What kind
of message might she give?

Of course she will feel disappointed, let

down, ignored, rejected, the victim, and
most likely, upset and angry. She might
blame the children for being so
inconsiderate, irresponsible, for not loving
her, for not respecting her. This type of blaming will simply reinforce in the children’s
minds the idea that they are as she has described them - "not okay, not responsible
and not to be trusted". They will then continue to be just that way.

A possible communication might be something like this:

"Children, come and sit down. I want to explain to you some things which are very
important to me. I feel very disillusioned this moment. On the one hand, I feel let
down. I was counting on your remembering my request that you be careful and keep
the house clean and tidy. I am tired and I am worried about receiving these guests
this evening. It is important for me that the house be clean when they arrive but I am
too tired to do it at this moment.

"I also doubt whether I am bringing you up the right way when I see, at times like this,
that you do not consider my requests for help and cooperation. I understand that
when you play it is easy to forget such requests, but I ask you to try harder in the
future, because I need your help. Now, I would be interested in your suggesting some
way by which we can avoid this happening in the future".

After a discussion takes place as to how such situations could be avoided in the
future, the mother can ask the children to now please help her by putting the place in
order and cleaning up so that she can relax and get ready for the guests who are
coming.

The key to effective communication is to look into ourselves and think about what we
are really feeling and express that clearly and openly to the other, without hiding
anything and without blaming or intending to hurt the others. After expressing how
we feel, we express what we need and give the other a chance to express his or her
feelings on the subject.

15
 THE DAUGHTER ARRIVES HOME LATE

Although their daughter agreed to be home by 12 midnight, she arrives at 1.30 in the
morning. The parents are extremely worried that something may have happened to
her and are quite relieved when she finally gets home.
What kind of message might they give to the child? They might express their anger at
her disobedience and reject her for being inconsiderate and irresponsible. They might
threaten her and punish her with the hope that she will obey out of fear in the future.

A possible communication might be something like this:

"Aliya, please sit down. We have a great need to discuss with you how we feel about
your coming home at 1.30 in the morning, when we had agreed that you be here by
midnight. We have been extremely worried during the last hour and a half. All kinds
of possible dangers have passed through our minds as we were waiting for you. We
love you very much and would not like any harm to come to you. We still feel
responsible for your health and well being, and would find it difficult to forgive
ourselves if anything happened to you. We would feel that we had been irresponsible
in our roles as parents.

"It is extremely important for us that we come up with a formula with regard to your
evenings out, which would be agreeable to both you and us. We want you to be happy
in your life but also have a need to feel that we are performing our role as parents
correctly and that we are protecting you as well as we can.

"We also need to feel that we are bringing you up in the right way. When you do not
respect your word, we worry about whether we have failed, as parents, to teach you
to honor your word. We are interested in hearing from you what happened and why it
is that you did not come back by midnight; also, how you believe we should act in this
situation. We would like to hear your suggestions as to how we can find a formula for
future times when you go out. It is very important for us that we know when you will
be arriving and can be sure that you will be here at that time"

The discussion can then go back and forth as we alternate between I-statements
concerning our feelings and needs and active listening, in which we listen to the
needs of the daughter, until we find some suitable solution.

16
 THE CHILDREN ARE FIGHTING OVER A GAME

When we see our children fighting over a toy, a game, TV program, or any other
object, we feel great inner conflict. We feel that both of our children are parts of
ourselves, so when they are fighting, it is as if two parts of our own being are
fighting. We may feel that we are failing as parents to create harmony in our home.
We may feel guilt for that. We may feel angry towards one of the children who is
acting more egotistically. We may play the role of the judge and persecutor. We
might punish one or both children, without discussion.
A possible example of communication might be:
"Children, please come and sit down. I want to express to you how I am feeling at this
moment, as I am watching you fight. Each of you is equally a part of me. I feel so
connected with you that whatever happens to you is like it is happening to me. When
you fight with one another, I feel great inner conflict. I feel confused. I do not know
what to do. I do not want to take sides. I want you both to be happy. I do not know
how to make you stop.

"Maybe you could help me so we may together discover what I could do to help you.
This will be useful for all of us. There will certainly be times in your lives, in which
you will come into conflict with others around you. This will help us all to see how we
can handle such conflicts in a different way. I would like each of you to think about
what it is that you wanted and could not get from the other, which caused you to get
angry and to fight in that way.

"Each will take turns to express what his problem was and we will keep going around
until all of us have said whatever we need to say. I ask that only one rule be kept:
when someone is talking, that we do not interrupt him but let him conclude that
which he is trying to say. If we disagree with him, we can have a chance later to
express it. Now, let us begin".

After each child has had a chance to express his or her feelings and opinions, and the
opportunity to speak has gone around the circle a number of times and everything has
been said, then we can ask for possible solutions as to how we can structure our lives
and routine of living so as to avoid similar conflicts in the future. All of these
solutions can be written down and then discussed. Eventually a combination of the
various ideas can be adopted for a trial run to see how it works.

This group method of "brainstorming" for solutions to group problems has the
advantage that each person feels that his or her ideas and needs have been respected
in the creation of the solution. Even if our needs are not 100% met, we feel that at
least we have been heard, considered, respected and allowed to participate. Thus our
cooperation will be much greater and from the heart.

Eventually we can close by asking the children how they would like us to act in such

17
situations, if the children, in spite of their efforts, come into conflict again for some
reason or other.

The basic obstacle towards such a way of handling conflicts between children is, on
the one hand, the lack of time on the part of the parent and, on the other, the lack
of ease the parent feels in handling such
conflicts. We must learn that conflicts are
natural in a world in which we all have differing
needs and ways of seeing things.

We tend to avoid talking openly about conflicts,

which just makes them recur more and more
often, because they are never brought out into
the open and be solved. Many times conflicts
occur concerning superficial or unimportant
matters, when the real problem is about
something else, which has never been
discussed. Handling conflicts in this open and
honest way gives us a chance to deal with the
real personality problems that are behind these
superficial conflicts.

Communication is a lost art, one which must be regained through practice and by
breaking free from the ineffective patterns which we have learned from our parents
and from society.

Effective communication is a process of being constantly aware of what we are really

feeling and expressing it openly and honestly without blaming the others for what we
feel. The other aspect of communication is to understand what the other person is
feeling and thinking. Without mutual love, respect, understanding and atmosphere of
equality, there can be no effective communication.

I again encourage us all to become more efficient in our communication skills, to take
seminars on communication, in which we can practice those techniques under
guidance. It is never too late to make the change. We might be 70 and our child 50
and we may still be caught up in the same old ego games we were 40 years ago. We
would do well to free ourselves from these obstacles to love and unity, and thus
happiness.
 

18