Pilcrow & Dagger News

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Volume II Edition XXXIII

Lawsuit Against PETA

By A. Marie Silver

Anne Arundel County

filed a lawsuit against
PETA (People for the
Ethical
Treatment
of
Animals) on Thursday
afternoon.
They
are
seeking
unspecified
damages related to the
cleanup required at an
Annapolis park. Two
weeks ago, members of
PETA, concerned for the
well-being
of Sandra
Squirrel evicted from her
attic home of three years
began scattering wiring,
insulation and clothing
articles all over the woods,
in an attempt to prepare
Ms. Squirrel for the harsh
winter months. But when
news hit about Hurricane
Joaquin and its anticipated
landfall to Maryland,
members of PETA stepped
up their tactics to

help aid Ms. Squirrel.

While we would
prefer Ms. Squirrel seek
shelter in one of our
homes, said Margarie
Rodentary, head of the
local PETA chapter. We
understand she may prefer
to
remain
outdoors.
Therefore, in addition to
crocheted jackets and knit
booties, we are also
leaving squirrel-sized rain
jackets with matching hats
and boots.
You cant litter in a
park, said Clark Barrson,
attorney for Anne Arundel
County. Thats what
PETA is doing. They are
destroying
that
park,
making it unsafe for
children to play in.
A discovery hearing is
scheduled for some time
next month.

Clinic Tied To Rx Scam

By Snoop Cubby

Doctors
WeCare
Clinic, a local clinic, is
under investigation by the
Food
and
Drug
Administration, the DEA,
and a whole bunch of other
agencies,
after
an
undercover
investigation
revealed that the physicians
at this clinic were in cahoots
with PharmacyWeR a
nearby pharmacy.
Evidence has revealed
that the doctors at this clinic
were being paid by the
pharmacists to encourage
their patients to take drugs
they didnt need, said
Martin
Prescriptor,
an
investigator for one of the
many agencies looking into
this.
The doctors at this clinic

Students Protest Rare Earth

By LeeAnn Rhoden

allegedly falsified their

findings and lab reports to
convince their patients they
needed certain medications.
They would then contact the
pharmacy who would fill
the prescription, giving the
clinic a cut of its profits.
Testing done on the
prescriptions revealed that
all the drugs sold were
actually placebos.
Its disgusting, said
Mr. Prescriptor. I hope at
the conclusion of this,
everyone involved goes to
jail for a very long time.
Im confused, said
patient Harry Harrison. Do
I need to be on cholesterol
medication or not?
Excellent
question,
said
Mr.
Prescriptor.
Unfortunately, we dont
know.

Students at a local
Community
College,
determined
to
bring
attention
to
the
environmental
and
humanistic
damages
caused by mining rare
earth elements (RRE),
have scheduled a protest
for this week.
We want to make the
public aware of the
tragedy that is occurring
on our Mother Earth, said
one student who goes by
the name of Geo. The
mining of RREs is
stripping down to the very
core of our planet.
Other concerns are the
traces of low levels of
radiation associated with
some of these minerals and
the
environmental
pollution
created
by
separating the minerals
from the ore. There have
been
reports
that
shipments from China of
these
minerals
to
processing
and
manufacturing plants have
caused the workers, and
miners to be exposed to
radiation and over a period
of time they develop
health issues. Also, the
ground water is being
contaminated by the

purification process. The

student became aware of
this issue in their Geology
101 course.
Its evil corporate
America that is doing this
damage to the innocents in
the emerging countries,
said Sylvia. Who needs
these things anyway?
Actually, China holds
the monopoly on RRE
mining and processing.
The last RRE mine in the
US closed in 2010.
As far as who needs
them? Well, RREs are
used in a variety of
manufacturing and technological capacities. They
are used in high powered
batteries making electric
and hybrid cars possible.
They are used in florescent
and LED lighting. Many
are used in GPS and cell
phone production. They
are instrumental in miniaturization,
microwave
ovens, hard drives, CDs
and DVDs, television and
flat
screen
displays,
magnets, energy efficient
appliances
and
wind
turbines. In fact, the whole
Green Energy movement is dependent upon
the mining and purifying
of RREs.
The students did not
know how to respond.

Weather

Index

Hurricane
alert!
Hurricane Joaquin may or
may not may landfall
along the east coast of the
US. It may or may not be a
major storm when/if it
does. Be sure to over
stock, and panic.

Sports......................Page 2
Dear Monica...........Page 2
Editorial..................Page 2
Letters To Editor................
........Page 2
Rant & Raves..........Page 2
Horoscope...............Page 3
Puzzles....................Page 3
Classifieds...............Page 3

Sunday, October 4, 2015 Page 2

Volume II Edition XXXIII

Sports
By Daniel LeBoeuf

The
Washington
Nationals had drama when
pitcher Jonathon Papelbon
appeared to choke right
fielder Bryce Harper in the
dugout. Boys being boys, or
one man battering another?
When you play a game for a
living, I guess the lines get
blurry.
In fantasy football news,
my teams fate rested on
Aaron
Rodgers
having
anything other than a great
game on Monday night. I
lost. The highlight of the
game was when my TE,
Greg Olson, whom my
opponent Mark mocked me
for carrying over from last
year, put up 29.4 points
when he was projected to
have 9.32. A hollow victory
now.
ESPN is out with their

Editorial

college
football
bowl
projections after only four
weeks. If youre a Middle
Tennessee State fan, youll
be happy to know youre
being projected, and I cant
stress this enough, after only
1/3 of the season, to be
playing in the Gildan New
Mexico Bowl on Dec. 19.
Book your flight and hotel
now for best rates!
The NHL season starts
October 7, but mine doesnt
start until October 8 when
the Lightning play the
Flyers. The Bolts have had
a disappointing preseason,
earning only 3 points on a 12-1 record. On the other
hand, my second love, the
Detroit Red Wings, have
posted a 3-0-2 record and
eight points.
www.danielleboeuf.net

Happenings
By Blabby Rumor

Hurricane Joaquin is
spinning in the Atlantic
round and round it goes;
where it lands, nobody
knows. Many east coast
states
have
already
declared
a
state
of
emergency. This means the
populace will be in a panic
and buy out all the bread
and milk from the local
A&P. Rumor has it that
that it wont make land-

fall and people will be

eating sandwiches for
weeks.
There are 82 more days
until Christmas. Panic has
not set in yet but Santa
HAS started his Naughty
& Nice list and department
stores have put out their
Christmas sorry, thats
not PC Winter Holiday
decorations. Rumor has it
that in less than 5 years we
will
celebrate
Hallothankmas.

Rants & Raves

Heres a thought. Dont
pull out of your driveway
until after you finish
texting. The stop sign is
not an invitation to park.
To my dear neighbor
thank you for mowing my
lawn for me.
To the man in front of me
at McDonalds. It has been
the same menu for 50

years. Know what you

want before you pull up to
the speaker!
To my wonderful children
- Thank you for making me
breakfast in bed. It was so
refreshing
to
come
downstairs and find the
kitchen
clean
and
everything picked up off
the floor. I still cant tell if
Im dreaming or if the
broken headlight on my
brand new car is real.

Letter to Editor

By Sham Farce

On my list of things I
find annoying are the
following: soap dispensers
and parking lots. The
problem
with
soap
dispensers is that they
dont refill themselves.
Once a month, my soap
dispensers run out of soap.
To avoid the long trek
downstairs to my kitchen,
where I keep the refill, I
wind up removing the
pump and smacking the
dispenser against my hand
to get the soap out. When
that gets old, I give up
washing my hands all
together. It just isnt worth
the hassle of going
downstairs to get the refill.
Then there are parking lots.
Why are they always
crowded? It doesnt seem
to matter what day of the
week it is or what time of
day it is; its impossible to
get a decent parking space.
I hereby propose that
NASA engineers design a
soap dispenser that refills
automatically.
I
also
propose a lottery used to
designate who gets to go
shopping and when so that
everyone can get a decent
parking space.

Dear Mr. Farce,

This letter is in
reference
to
the
punctuation
article.
I
noticed that while the
primary punctuation marks
were either interviewed or
contacted for an interview,
there
was
nothing
mentioned
about
the
octothorpe, irony mark or
the interrobang. They are
punctuation marks; they
have opinions. How is it
your reporter completely
overlooked them?
Sincerely,

.~
Dear Mr. Farce,
I respectfully disagree
with your stance that
banning books is wrong.
Censorship is a good thing.
Censorship helps shape
peoples
minds
and
opinions so that there will
be less disagreements and
conflict. Censorship will
even help curb violence
since we will all know the
correct things to think and
believe.
The best way to do this
is to rid ourselves of
questionable books. And,
well, perhaps all books
unless they are state
sponsored.
- J. Stalin

Dear Monica
Dear Monica,
I have an advice
columnist on my staff that
is constantly rude, insults
the people writing in to her
column and never returns
my phone calls. What
should I do?
Sincerely,
Sham Farce
Dear Sham,
Get off my arse, Farce!

Dear Monica,
I recently discovered
that my husband of 10
years and my sister have
been having a long-term
affair. In fact, I suspect that
her child is my husbands
child. Do I confront them?
What do I tell my children
about their cousin?
- Cheated and Betrayed
Dear Cheated,
Thats messed up.

Sunday, October 4, 2015 Page 3

Volume II Edition XXXIII

Classifieds
For Sale
Miniature horse
tack. Best suited
for very small
jockeys
or
children.
Bow
Flex
because my wife
was right and I
wasnt. Are you
happy now?
Used cell phone.
Cracked screen
and no sim card.
Moroccan
Tagine. Sounded
like a good idea
but I cant figure
it out.

Wanted
Leather wallet
with cash and
credit cards I
dont have to
pay off.
Segway.
Im
tired of walking
and it would just
be easier to
cruise.
Green Egg and
someone
who
knows how to
cook with it.
Looking for a
pogo stick. No
reason.

Horoscope
Real Estate
Female roommate wanted to
cook, clean, and
do laundry. No
nagging.
Will
trade
historic
landmark bridge
in NY for luxury
home anywhere.
Notices
Pilcrow
&
Dagger
is
accepting
submissions to
the
Nov/Dec
issue. Get them
in ASAP!

Pilcrow
Exclamation
Point

Interrobang
Question
Mark
Therefore
Sign
Ampersand
Irony
Mark
Section
Sign

Its almost here!

The October Issue

March 21
- April 19

You and your partner will

complete your project.

April 20 May 20

Call the electrician and the

plumber. Dont fix it
yourself.

May 21 June 20

Your writing will take you

into another world.

June 21 July 22

Family
roles
and
definitions are challenged.

July 23 Aug 22

You learn from books.

Keep reading.

Aug 23 Sept 22

You
have
excellent
financial instincts. Increase
your income.

Sept 23 Oct 22

Your friends are changing

your perspective.

Oct 23 Nov 21

Time is now to go after that

new career path.

&

Authority
Point

Check Out The

Sneak Peek!

Because
Sign
Octothorpe

Sudoku

Nov 22 Dec 21

Dec 22 Jan 19
Jan 20 Feb 18
Feb 19 March 20

Your routine is about to be

shaken up. You wont like
it.
People around you are
behaving unethically. Time
for a new environment.
Your partnerships will
require more energy and a
stronger commitment.
Your work requires a deep
level of research.

&

@ #

@ ?

&

@ &

@ *

&

&

ZYD VCITQ TXYDH. UITKG HY

& @

VCITQ CYVJHJLIUZ.

&

&

# @

? @

&

Answer from last weeks paper

Dagger

Cryptogram
ZYDK BYKSV OKITHI BRTH

- VTGTZT KYPTG
Hint: H = T
Answer in next weeks paper.