Maddie Pospisil

H. Accelerated Composition
November 5, 2014
A Dichotomy: Final Love Letter to Religion

I. I tentatively raise my hand up in the air as I sing My God is mighty to save! The song ends
and my hand lingers a little bit too long in the air. Later, worship wraps up and my fellow
collegiate Navigators participate in fellowship. I hear snippets of conversations:
Taking my midterm tomorrow. Hopefully Jesus will be there with me. Pray for me!!
Ohyou listen to rap? I dont really think Jesus would approve of that. You should
probably focus on Christian music.
I dont think I will be coming back.
II. My pastor once told me that the word religion, at its root, means to bring together - like
building a community. The basis of religion is people. I was constantly surprised by the
dichotomy I saw in my personal religious journey. Heaven and Hell. Miracles and humanity.
Prayers for God to answer and prayers for everyone to hear. Jesuss selfless life and our insane
self-absorption. My belief in people led me to a strong faith and over the years my belief in
people would lead me away from it. I present my faith: the beginning and the end, side-by-side.

III. When I was fourteen I went to a church camp for one week in the summer and found my
faith. Before I went I couldnt understand how God let bad things happen. Someone explained it

to me in the terms that because Eve ate the fruit, she chose this life for herself and us and God
does what he can to make it better, easier. Now, I never believed in a literal Bible. I never
believed Eve talked to a snake (animals dont talk) and ate some fruit and magically now we sin.
But it still made sense to me. Humans choose, again and again, to sin. And God forgives; its all
He can do.
IV. When I was fourteen, I also mistakenly thought I loved the person who told me that.
Inevitably, embarrassingly, this biased me towards the answers that he provided for my
questions. So I found God and faith through a person. I think I believed him more than I believed
the stories.

V. I went on four mission trips during high school and got incredibly close with the other kids
my age in the youth group. The mission trips changed us, united us, helped us. We would say it
over and over again God just worked through us. We felt a part of something bigger than
ourselves. We were taught to believe that our God could work miracles. And that God would
work miracles through us as we were Lights for the world.
VI. I dont believe in miracles. I believe in people. I no longer believe that there was a divine
spirit working through us in those broken and struggling towns of our mission trips. It was,
however, nothing short of miraculous how we all came together, year after year, in the midst of
experiencing the chaos that is ages fourteen to eighteen, to serve different communities. Hands
dont have to be guided by a force other than humanity.

VII. I became trained to be an assistant minister during our services when I was in high school.
Basically, as assistant minister, I would lead the congregation in prayers throughout the service
and also break and serve bread during communion. I loved it. People in my congregation loved it
too. Every week a different sweet elderly person would come up to me and thank me for doing
such a beautiful job during the service. It touched me deeply to hear that from people I admired.
The last weekend I was assistant minister before I left for college my pastor made an
announcement before the end of the service. He said I would be headed off the college and told
me that I would always be welcomed home at St. Michaels. Then, to my lasting surprise, he
began to cry on the altar in front of the whole congregation. Tears ran down my face, too, as I
bowed before the altar and walked out of the sanctuary.
VIII. My mom is now the person who assigns people to their jobs for services so she always
makes sure that I am on the list to be assistant minister when I am home from college. Going
back and leading my congregation in prayer when I dont believe anyone is listening to our
prayer besides ourselves is a confusing type of surreal. But I grew up in that church and I will
always consider myself a part of it. If going back and serving my quasi-family means I must, for
an hour, suspend my beliefs, I will do it. Now, when I pray, I dont think about god. I believe that
we will answer each others prayers.

IX. I dont believe in a hell. I read the whole New Testament and everything I got out of it can be
summed up by John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you: Love one another. As I have
loved you, so you must love one another. That, to me, is the essence of Christianity. The Twelve
Commandments were replaced by Jesuss new one; we dont need to know anything else about
our God other than that new message. And I cannot reconcile that God of love with a God who

damns people to an eternity in hell. It was never something I felt comfortable believing in. So I
believed that we all would see God at the end. And, as my dad liked to point out, that meant my
heaven would include Hitler. So be it.
X. I dont believe in a heaven. I think the afterlife exists for so many people because they are
afraid of not existing in some form. Its terrifying to look into the abyss and realize that our lives
are ultimately temporary. A lot of people need to believe in something beyond death and I get it.
But I dont need that anymore. It is beautiful to know that our existence, on a universe-sized
scaled, is meaningless. We are not infinite, but finite. This life is all we get and instead of
spending it trying to get points with The Man upstairs, we get to just live.

XI. Ive been in the library for three hours. Im on the first floor in the Starbucks area and despite
my usual pick-me-up Chai, I am tired. Its late on a Sunday afternoon and I am beyond ready to
go home. I am no longer comprehending Alices Adventures in Wonderland I am simply
moving from one word to the next as if they each exist in their own sectioned-off world. Then
the people sitting behind me start talking and I wish that I, like Carrolls words after three hours
of studying, had been disassociated with my surroundings.
Ive been really struggling lately with some things.
What kind of things? I would like to offer counsel.
Well, lately Ive just been studying a lot and Im sorry but I cant find Jesus there. I
dont feel him with me when Im doing homework.
XII. I close my eyes and wish I had headphones but the world is inherently connected. I try to
focus on the little girl who cant stop changing size.

Oh! But this is good news! I went on a date last night with this girl who Ive been
talking to for a few months now.
How did it go?
Great, man! Just great. It was amazing. I could just really feel God there with us the
whole night. His spirit was there. And I had a lot of friends praying for me, too, so I think
that helped.
Young Alice and the warm atmosphere of the library no longer have any hold on me. I pack up
my backpack and leave.