Extended Article Series

Number 21

Sexual Self Gratification

This article grew out of a question resulting from the discussion of sin
at a recent Bible Study. It will also, as a result, appear as part of a chapter in a
book that I am writing entitled Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex
But Were Afraid To Ask God.

If we, as mature Christians, cannot discuss sin in either general or

specific nature in Bible Study, when would be the proper time and or venue?
There are times when it could/should be done in counseling, but for the
greater part, all will benefit from an open, fresh discussion of sin. The one
primary sin discussed here, sexual self gratification, otherwise known as
masturbation, is one of those sins seldom discussed openly, if at all. The
discussion of masturbation as a sin, why is that
so shocking? We discuss other things openly, do
we not? Before passing judgment on the
purpose, premise or validity of this article, please
read it to the end. Your comments and questions
are always encouraged.
Now, regarding masturbation as sin, the
definition of it alone begins the discussion: the
stimulation or manipulation of one's own or
another's genitals to achieve orgasm, sexual self-
gratification. Think for a moment, does
masturbation glorify God in any way? In the
same way that the sexual union between a husband and wife does?
Masturbation is a willful misuse of what God has endowed us with for
personal pleasure apart from the intimacy of marriage. Sexual intercourse
glorifies God in that the man and the woman have become "one flesh". To use
masturbation for personal sexual gratification sets it apart from the sexual
union and totally prevents one of the blessings of sexual intimacy and,
therefore, God's plan, and that is children through the procreative act.
Masturbation lowers this precious sexual gift to something done alone and
apart from your spouse. Is not sexual intercourse far more pleasurable than
masturbation? If it is not, then there is a fundamentally deep problem within
the individual and most likely the marriage, one that desperately needs to be
discussed openly with a Spirit filled counselor. Is not the other partner
available to satisfy the need for sexual pleasure? If not, again there is a deep
problem within the marriage. Why
would an individual rather
masturbate than have sex with his or
her partner? If it is a problem
regarding frequency, then perhaps
there is a sexual addiction of some
sort that needs to be dealt with. I
hope you can see then that
masturbation borders on the edge of
some serious problems within the
marital relationship and also God's
will in marriage. Masturbation is
something that can often become an
addiction and is seldom, if ever, done
in the presence of the other marriage
partner. This is because there is usually shame attendant to the performance
of it. Should the other marriage partner be made aware of the acts of
masturbation by the other party? The one performing the act of masturbation
invariably always says no, saying the other partner should not be made aware
of each act. I have counseled many individuals with this problem. They are
reluctant to discuss it with their marriage partner because each one was
ashamed to admit doing so. So, if it is done in private, in hiding, secretly,
alone and the knowledge of the performance of the act brings fear and shame,
then why wouldn’t you think to call it sin? It has every earmark of other sin.
Another thing to consider. In marriage we acknowledge openly before others
that sexual intercourse is a part of the relationship. When was the last time
you heard one partner in a marriage acknowledge openly before others that
they engage in masturbation? They are generally ashamed to do so. This
speaks volumes regarding the attitude of the person performing the act.
There are many things that we do today that are acknowledged, at least
by Spirit filled believers, as being sin yet not specifically covered by the Bible.
A person has recently asked me, "please reply with the bible verse(s) that
supports masturbation as a sin under any circumstance. I'd like to know this
for the future." When it comes to offering Bible verses supporting that
masturbation is sin, this I cannot do since it is a sin that is extrapolated from
other sins that are done and verses that prohibit other activities. The use of
pornography is sin and it is nowhere mentioned specifically in the Bible, yet
its possession, use, sale and dissemination is freely acknowledged as
something that is "okay" with the "world". Not so with Spirit filled believers.
This is not an easily discussed topic, with just a five or six sentence
conversation. The deep Truths of God seldom are. Reading this will require
your spending a little time permitting me to be verbose. I have taught on
human sexuality from God's perspective and according to the Word for many
years now. Next to eternal security (i.e., Once Saved, Always Saved), which is
number one, it is numbered in the top four topics most often discussed or
counseled within my ministry.
Unfortunately, society today, and has for the greater part of the last
hundred and fifty years, begun to stretch the sexual boundary and treating the
sexual drive as something apart from God's law and original will and plan for
man and woman. There are a multitude of sexual sins mentioned in the Bible,
but there is no reference at all to masturbation, absolutely none. The Bible
speaks definitely and with great authority to adultery; fornication; lust;
bestiality; sex between men; sex between women; sex with a woman while she
has her period; pre-marital sex between partners who plan on marrying; sex
between members of a family, such as between a father and a daughter,
between a mother and a son, it even speaks to sex between a
child and the natural parent's new spouse even
though they are not physically related; sex with
your aunts, uncles, in-laws, grandparents or first
cousins; it even addresses children simply
seeing their parents naked and vice versa, the
former being by and large the greater evil,
parents obviously of necessity seeing their children
naked as they grow up for a large variety of reasons but there
comes a time when this should cease; children or step children
seeing each other naked (obviously well after the usual necessity of
doing so while they are very young); divorce for frivolous or self-
centered reasons; marrying a partner who has already been divorced and is
not eligible to remarry; cohabitation without the benefit of marriage; the
prevention of the conception of children through other than all but a natural
means; abortion for any reason; killing of unwanted children; and on and on
and on and these are ALL sins connected in one way or another with human
sexuality, yet not one mention of masturbation.
Many of these things are not spoken about any more by people, even
breathing their names silently as being even remotely possibly sinful, some
doing them without conscience nor thought as to God's plan and will for their
lives. I am sorry, I cannot give you a specific chapter and verse revealing
definitively that masturbation is a sin but I know deep in my heart and from
revelation of the Holy Spirit with Whom I am in relationship that it most
definitively is a sin. I can put together a number of scriptural passages that
when taken together as a whole will point one away from masturbation, but it
is something that you must discern from God’s viewpoint.
A holy sexual relationship is the loving donation between a husband
and wife of their own bodies to one another. In marriage, sexual intercourse
is to be enjoyed for procreation, to express romantic love, it can be simply for
the delight that the freedom marriage affords the spouses or to release the
tensions of life. It may even be an act of charity in one tired spouse
surrendering in love to the physical needs of the other partner! Remember,
though, it is always an act of intimacy reserved for the spouses alone and
always done together. Masturbation, by it's own very nature completely blurs
and degrades the purpose and privilege of marriage's sexuality.
Masturbation, for either party, is an act of gratifying one's own physical,
sexual urge in a solitary way. Performed as such an act, even in marriage,
degrades the special place of honor of the other marriage partner! In some
cases, due to low self esteem, a poor marriage, embarrassment regarding sex,
or hundreds of other reasons, it can often serve to replace the other partner
entirely. This is because masturbation usually trains a person, either man or
woman, to abuse his or her own sexual powers and desires outside God's
intended order, a very selfish and solitary way.
Would you agree that masturbating in a public setting is a criminal act
or in the least tasteless, vulgar and disgusting? Governments the world over
say so! It is a display of lust which for the most part, but less and less today
with the great decline in morals, is morally offensive to all! Masturbation is
certainly no less morally offensive to God. The sexual intimacy in marriage is
holy, which actually means "set apart". It is reserved for a privacy between
husband and wife because it truly is holy, it is
intimately personal, and before God and
according to Him it is sacred. How would you
feel if you knew that your spouse was
masturbating while fantasizing about you or
somebody else? Would their masturbation
make you feel perhaps inadequate, that
perhaps you weren't supplying their need
within the marriage? And what makes
masturbation while thinking about your
marriage partner any more acceptable an act
than thinking about somebody else?
Masturbation by either partner in a
marriage often goes unresolved for many
years, perhaps held within as a "secret sin,"
until in desperation the partner develops the
courage to share with a Christian brother or
sister, counselor or a pastor. Surprisingly, many married men admit to
masturbating quite frequently, even though they also claim to be in a happy
marriage relationship and claim a normal sex life with their partners. I have
counseled with many in this situation. Sharing the secret of the sin of
masturbation with a trusted Christian brother or sister, mentor, or
accountability partner usually brings a sense of genuine relief and assists in
helping the person to be more objective about him or herself and their place
in the Kingdom and in the world they live in. All of us are sinners and we who
claim Jesus as Lord are only sinners who have been justified by God and
made, by His grace, worthy members of the kingdom of God. False guilt and
condemnation of self surely is a more serious source of defeat for some men
and women than their true moral guilt before God who is gracious and full of
mercy. “Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that
fear him. For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.”
(Psalm 103:13-14)
Here are some comments by Lambert Dolphin which address the topic
very plainly. “It is plain to see that masturbation is usually narcissistic.
Narcissus was the Greek youth who, upon seeing his reflection in a pool, fell in
love with himself, then fell into the pool and drowned. In other generations
masturbation was called self-abuse, solo-sex, self-love, or self-gratification.
The emphasis is on "self," not on one's
relationship with God or one's family. We can
surely say that "solo-sex" is not part of God's
original design for man which is for sexual
expression in the context of love and
commitment in a marriage. Masturbation can
never be fulfilling and satisfying since it is
inherently an incomplete act to which there is
no response or appropriate answer-back from a
complementary partner. Masturbation also
tends to turn one's focus inward upon oneself,
leading to shame, sometimes excessive
introversion, often low self-esteem, self-
consciousness and detachment from normal
social roles. God did not design sex to be a
solitary experience. It is supposed to be shared
with another, and only in marriage. Sexuality
is intended to be part of the complementary interaction of self-giving love
between a man and a woman who are committed to one another for life. (See
1 Corinthians 7:4 where the Bible states that husband and wife are to give up
the right to their own bodies to one another in marriage.) Within marriage
the dynamic interplay between opposites can bring healing and wholeness for
both the man and wife. Sexual expression in any other context is destructive
to wholeness. The Bible certainly shows that God is not against pleasure, He
wants us to say "no" to things that hurt us. Because sexual activity results in
pleasure, sexual habits such as masturbation are become conditioned
responses that are reinforced with repetition. In a society where instant
gratification is the goal of many, few of our contemporaries think in terms of
self-control or long term fulfillment. Unlike hunger or other purely physical
desires, human sexual response encompasses body, soul, and spirit. Without
food and water man can not live, but living without sexual expression does no
harm and can often be of great benefit because it allows libidinal energy to be
refocused into socially redeeming activities. Abstinence and celibacy have
always been prized by the church as healthy and desirable before marriage,
and normative for singles. In the personal experience of countless pastors
and counselors in the church of Jesus Christ, men and women are always far
better off if they remained sexually inactive until marriage, and faithful to
one's spouse thereafter. Countless married couples regret their premarital
affairs and sexual expression prior to marriage because the effects show up
later on in making marriage less than it ought to be. Sexual selfishness is
more difficult to cure than a tendency to eat too much apple pie or roast beef
and potatoes. Even if one were to decide that masturbation is not a specific
sin named in the Bible that does not mean it is a neutral issue. In real life not
all choices are between right and wrong, but often between degrees of good
and better. We can surely say that overcoming masturbation is the better
course to seek after. Unfortunately, once sexual desires are aroused it
becomes difficult to reverse course and return to a celibate, virgin status.
Regaining purity is, however, a requirement for Christian growth. In the Song
of Solomon, the Shulamite maiden encourages the Daughters of Jerusalem to
"stir not nor awaken love until it please," (i.e., until the proper time and
place).”
Generally speaking, how can any individual, a Christian counselor, a
pastor or teacher counsel someone about sin in their life if that individual
does not know what sin is nor can discern easily
from having a good overview of scripture what
the Bible, both Old and New Testament, teaches
about sin? Here, in particular, masturbation?
When I say "does not know what sin is" I mean
does not understand the overview of sin from
God's perspective, according to what He has
revealed throughout His Word. Oh yes most
counselors, pastors and teachers know that
murder, theft, lying, lust and other such things
are sin, but what about the rest? I know many
pastors, elders and teachers that fall into this
category because they simply do not know or
understand where to land or come down on these issues since they are not
experienced enough in the Word of God or have a deep enough relationship
with Him to know! It is time that we break open the discussion and touch
real-life issues in order to help those among us who are spiritually hurting and
or still in sin.

John Payne
Brought to you by:
Homeward Bound Ministries
Post Office Box 3351
Milford Connecticut 06460
(203) 882-9661