POLYGAMY – A PERSONAL VIEW

(jerome.okoye@gmail.com)

It is always easy to resort to cliches if the right words fails to turn up when one has
something to say. I wanted to explain away polygamy by thinking that its all an
extrapolation of people believeing that variety is the spice of life, but then i have also
seen men who marry women with almost similar features!
My dad was a christian as was all his family members, so he had no religious basis for
what he did, but he ended up with three wives. He left this plane before all three, and
so many times, i have wondered why he went plural. I am from the southeast of
Nigeria, from a home with three wives and sixteen children. That is not a record, not
even in the south eastern part of Nigeria which is predominantly christian. I keep
pointing out the religious part because the average Nigerian and to a large extent,
African, is religious . . .to a fault.
Polygamy, that practice of one man either intentionally or otherwise, having more
than one woman as a wife, have been in Nigeria long before the white men came to
lord it over africans. No general reason can be given for why a typical African man
would want to have more than one wife, but in earlier times, the size of ones family
was a measure of ones strength. Because it was essentially an agrarian soceity,
families banked on large size to enable them cultivate more lands. Sort of funny to
me, because with more hands to farm, you will have more mouths to feed. Though,
some would easily argue that more children meant cheaper labour. It equally can be
pointed out that it means a higher maintenance cost! Some believe that a larger family
offers more room for having a male child and hence, more able bodied men in the
event of a war. The male child is very significant in Africa. Maybe i should limit
myself to Nigeria. It is seen as a sign of completion and as many take it, ensures a
continuity in the family lineage. We believe that a woman will marry out, and take up
a man’s name. As a result, having a female child, amounts to having someone that
would go away someday. A male child on the other hand, stays.
Here in Nigeria, a woman married to a certain Tiger Woods would take it for granted
that the husband might end up with more than her - either as a wife or as a concubine.
Just like a woman married to a clinton would have accepted the need for another wife
to come in and “give” him a male child. Even when a woman would want to complain
or think of moving out, it would be a war beyond the woman and her hubby as even
her own parents might not support her. Africans generally practice the extended
family system. Where unlike in the western world, once married to a woman or man,
you are practically married to her/his entire family.
I hate to admit this, but as much as we practice extended family system here in
Nigeria, it does appear that the white man understood better when they introduced the
word “half”. Half brother, half sister, whatever half is certainly not same as “full”. By
this, i mean a sibbling from same dad and mum tends to care more for each other than
when they are only connected by mum or dad alone. This is an unspoken
understanding that children from the same mum should care for themselves more than
for the children of other mothers. I have seen it first hand. Both in my family and in
families of friends. In my family, we live in relative peace compared to most
polygamous home that i have seen. It is rare for anyone to tell that it is a polygamous
home from the outside, but hidden somewhere, is that knowledge that we all are not
from the same mother. In fact, there have been times when there have been squabbles
along mother lines mostly. Thankfully, we have never really blown it so open.
Another thing that i never truely understood is how my dad managed to share his bed
time amongst his three wives. Admittedly, i was barely 12years when my dad died,
but for the few times that i can recall, he was usually with us the kids and even he had
his prefered kids. There are however homes where the man rents/builds different
apartment for the women, and shares his time between/among the residences. Where
it is the case that the man and his wives leave within the same residence, he shuttles
between rooms. I am not a spoilt brat, but i still try to imagine how a man can keep all
the women happy under that arrangement. I never noticed any of the women
complain, but then like i said earlier, i was only a boy when dad passed on.
As per feeding, it was usual in our home that one woman serves my dad one day or
meal, while the other takes the next turn. This is so in the city, but when we go to the
country home (what we call village over here), it is one big pot that everyone feeds
from. I guess we cook separately in the city because every woman makes her own
living while the man takes care of the essentials like accomodation and the chidren’s
school fees. My sure did have a favourite, but he tries to eat from all pots. It seem like
fun knowing that for every meal time, you can have as much as three options. Every
woman tries to outdo the other, and in some homes, they resort to voodoo practices. It
is not uncommon that you see some very lazy polygamous men, because they know
that the women would compete for what little attnetion he can offer. Come to think of
it, most polygamous men i know, actually own the building they live in!
The average man is polygamous in nature. He wants to have as many women as he
can find, to sleep with as many as he can and to brag about it whenever the
opportunity allows. Probably the only significant difference is that here in Nigeria, a
man may bring home another woman as a wife despite still married to another without
breaking any known law.
It is sad that even though having more than one wife imposes extra financial burden
on the man in a society where the man is considered the breadwinner, it turns out that
a lot of very poor men, end up setting up a polygamous home. The question is why? I
have tried to find answers by looking at families i know, and each time, the only
common denominationn is that people end up with more than one wife not as an
original intention, but because of basic errors like having unprotected sex. Getting
hooked by some “voodoo” or simply because they fail to realize that a woman like all
else in life loses some fine features with age. My dad isn’t in the middle class. Maybe
not poor, but we never really had some stuff that would have made life a bit more fun.
The scarce resources available was always to be shared, and most times, this breeds
hatred among the wives and to some extent the kids, than it solves problems. My
dad’s last wife was a bit unfortunate because the had half the number of kids the other
two wives had, and her kids weren’t academically inclined. So, with a father that
wants to have kids he can call doctors and all, your bet is as good as mine where his
love will move towards. And on the few times when it was fighting that was thought
best to resolve issues, tey usually lost out. Looking back, i can hardly recall why we
did have such inter-mother fights, but it guess it was because we always had a
suppress mistrust of the other wives kids.
There is also the arrogance of a man that knows that even if he sent a wife packing, he
would stil have two more at his disposal. I do not consider my dad arrogant, but once,
he actually asked my mum to pack out because she ‘left’ him behind in community
party. He came home partly drunk that night, and kept shouting for het to pack before
he . . . .
Forget statistics, the reality is that there are more unmarried and nearing ‘overdue’
females than there are males. The outcome is that there is a great deal of desperation
on the part of some females to get married. I have heard a lady ask that if women are
complaining that their husbands are getting more than them as a wife, who do they
expect to marry the rest of em? The lady in question was well over 33 some 6years
ago when she voiced her concern. And still is yet unmarried. In an environment where
marriage instantly bestows a certain degree of respectability, what would stop such a
lady from settling with a man, even a married one? Also, in the traditional African
setting, a woman is submissive. With his nature comes the possibility that a man can
get more than one of them under one roof. I wonder what would happen with two
white women under the same roof with a man as wives.
We do not pay alimony here in Nigeria. At least, not the type that would dent a man’ s
income. There could be some form of settlement, but nothing that is strong enough to
deter a man from having as many wives as his heart desires.
When a man dies, his propertie are usually shared among/between his children. It is a
bit simple when their is a will, even though that can be legally contested. It is however
worse with husbands dying intestate. The challenge folows from the fact that whilst
there might have been hitherto percieved peace with the breadwinners presence, same
can not be said about what his demise most likely brings. I guess we are a bit lucky in
my family. There really isn’t much to share. Not because we are poor, but because
tghere is a degree of education among the children , and a level of understandong
among the wives hat makes it a seamless move from having a father to no longer
having one. We did not have to share any properties in the strict sense of the word.
The fundamental thing was to make sure that each child gets a minimum equivalent of
a college education. This is however an indibidual thing as anyone may decide not to
scholl beyond high school like four of my half sibblings ended up doing.
On a final note, it is evident that polygamy is decling in prevalence in Nigeria, for so
many reasons. Our women are getting more enlightened and same goes for the men.
People are begining to understand that it is possible to keep more than one
relationship without necessarily calling it a husband and wife situation. That sex can
be had without pregnancy and its attendant effect. Without sexually transmitted
diseases. That other types of fulfilment can be gotten aside from sex. People now
realize the extra burden that comes from having multiple women as legal wives.
Beyond the woman, a man has to cater for the schooling of the accompanying
children. Education is now a near must in an ever westernizing world. And the cost
seems to be rising in a manner that checks even the bravest of men.
Religion is another factor. Where before now, we have been guided by traditions
handed down by the fathers, we now seem to want to follow after a different kind of
tradition – the one handed over by the colonial Lords. Christianity have helped in no
small way to hinder many men from falling into polygamy. People still divorce
inspite of religion, but they find it a bit harder having more than one wife at any point
in time. Mistresses maybe , but not a live-in wife. Even Islam seems to be de-
emphasizing the part of polygamy. It thus appears as though we are gradually seeing a
phase in our nation where polygamy is going out of vogue but i fear, is the next phase
for the western world.