Performance Anxiety

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Table of Contents
Introduction
Performance Anxiety
What Are You Afraid Of?
Expectations
Develop an Understanding
The Male Mold
Walk like a Man
Little Men
Mamas Boys Not Allowed
My Fathers Son
The Competitive
Say What You Need to Say
Society and Sexual Expectations of Men
Partner Pressure
An Unfair Responsibility
Performance Anxiety, a Womans Perspective
One Step Forward and a Step Back
Spectatoring
Thoughts Out of Control
Anxiety- The Big Off Switch
Anxiety 101
Stressed for a Reason?

The Nervous System

Sexual Responses
Finding Answers
Relaxation Techniques
Relaxation Techniques
Improve Your Mental Focus
Sensate Focus
Sensate Focus Exercises
Stage 1
Stage 2
Stage 3
Stage 4
One Last Word about Stress and Anxiety
Taking Measures to Protect your Health
Eat Well
Get up and Move
Seek Help
The Outlook for Mens Sexual Health

Introduction

Have you ever sat in the audience watching your favorite band in concert, cheering at the
top of your lungs? The music works, the ambience is right, the crowd is engaged. The
guy on stage hits it straight out of the park. There is a tangible magic that touches
everyone, a special connection between the artists on the stage and the flood of people
cheering before them.
Now imagine if it was you on stage.
You walk across the wooden floor over the cables and connections, stepping in front of
the band members to the central microphone. The music for your latest number one hit
starts up, the speakers bounce from the bass. This is when the adrenaline rush gets very
real. Your cue is coming up. You take the mic in your right hand, fist pumping the left in
the air to work the crowd even more. Five, four, three, two, one, the note is coming right
about
But then, you take a good look at the size of the crowd. Fifty thousand eyes are on you.
Your image looms larger than life in the megascreens that broadcast the close-ups of the
concert to the unfortunate souls in the nose-bleed section. You catch a glimpse of
yourself. Oh, why did you choose that outfit? The reviewers said it didnt work in
Detroit. What possessed you?
Back to the crowd, something is happening. The cheering stopped. There is a
disturbance in the Force. That electric vibe has been replaced by something else,
something a little more negative. Your fist stops pumping and falls impotently to your
side. Crickets can be heard over the blaring silence.
Your worst nightmare is happening all around you and all you can do is watch it unfold.
Your throat tightens as the anxiety begins to choke off your air supply. What will the
crowd do? Run you out of town on a pole? What about the band members? How will
you ever endure the silent treatment on the bus ride to Houston? What about the morning
newspapers, the reviewers. Your life, as you know it, crumbles all around you.
Maybe retirement in an obscure trailer park in Yuma is not a bad way to spend the next
twenty years

Performance Anxiety

Okay, back to reality. You are not a rock star who just suffered through his greatest fear
on stage in front of tens of thousands of people. But, you might be able to relate to his
plight. Have you ever had that moment in the middle of a romantic interlude when you

lose your nerve, and everything changes from excitement and anticipation to
disappointment and embarrassment? If you have, you are certainly not alone.
Many men go through this type of stage fright at some point in their adult lives. Maybe it
helps to know you are not alone when you are by yourself and able to do a little Monday
morning quarterbacking. You step into the role of reviewer that is going to cut the rock
stars performance to pieces. What went wrong? How did I lose my nerve, my erection,
my drive?
What is the matter with me? Am I impotent now?
A little time passes; you feel your confidence return enough. Again the stage is set for
alone time with your significant other. Your plans include a lovely dinner, maybe a little
soul dancing, and a romantic night that will sweep her right off her feet. You want to
make it up to her.
Your less than stellar deer-caught-in-the-headlights performance on the last romantic
encounter will taint the next several rendezvous. Once again, the moment has arrived.
You are ready, she is waiting, all cylinders are firing. Then that shadow of doubt passes
over you again. What if you mess up again? Your muscles begin to tense under the
stress, your breathing shallows and your heart rate quickens.
And just like that, the lights come on; she puts on her robe and walks out of the room.
You are left with your head in your hands sitting on the edge of the bed, feeling like a
loser. You are really beginning to lose it.
The truth of the matter is what you are going through is not too far removed from what
the singer with stage fright experienced. There is a name for this experience. It is called
performance anxiety, and like the unfortunate rock icon, you are so worried about
messing up in front of your partner, your body reacts to the anxiety and sabotages your
sexual responses.
What is performance anxiety? Performance anxiety occurs when you become so
concerned over how you will perform as a lover that your body reacts physiologically to
the stress. Performance anxiety can lead to other sexual problems, like erectile
dysfunction and premature ejaculation.
If you are afraid of doing something wrong during sex, you are suffering from
performance anxiety. Sex should be a relaxed experience. Your actions should flow
freely; you should feel confident enough to act with spontaneity and instinctive moves.
Sex should not cause your anxiety level to rise.

What Are You Afraid Of?

Performance anxiety often starts after a negative experience. You become afraid you will
do something wrong. In each sexual experience, your brain becomes overloaded with
thoughts of making a mistake. Soon, you begin a play-by-play in your head, questioning
every move. Is she getting aroused enough? Will she orgasm? Will you ejaculate too
soon?
Pretty soon all of that second guessing leaves your entire body tense. That tension alone
can cause physical responses that will turn your performance anxiety into a self-fulfilling
prophecy. You may become too tense for sex. This worry robs you of the pleasure and
intimacy you should enjoy while having sex with your partner.
If you are in a new relationship, the stress over making all the right moves can be tough
enough. Add to that other stresses outside of the bedroom, and anxiety becomes the
monkey you cannot shake off of your back. You arent familiar with her responses, her
expectations, her likes and dislikes. In some ways, you feel like you are shooting blind in
the dark. That worry can begin to overtake your thoughts the first few times youre with a
new partner.
Long term relationships can have other circumstances that bring on performance anxiety.
As with the new relationship, not all of the reasons for performance anxiety exist within
the four walls of the bedroom. Family difficulties, financial stress, and unrelated
relationship issues will pile the anxiety on. Anxiety alone can affect your bodys sexual
responses. The first time stress is manifested in the penis in the form of a random
inability to achieve an erection, performance anxiety is born.

Expectations
The expectations you place on your own sexual performance is often the source for your
performance anxiety. Some of those expectations have their roots in the world you live
in. Society places impossible burdens on men. Men on the silver screen know all the
good moves, the iconic ideal man has the suave moves of Cary Grant, the sensitivity of
William Hurt, the ripped abs of Brad Pitt. He carries himself with the stealth coolness of
James Bond. His eyes turn the knees of unsuspecting women to Jell-O. He exudes
sexuality, confidence, and never fails to please his woman.
Men who do not meet the John Wayne ideal are fitted with destructive labels. These are
the men who do not get the girl; they are the hapless sidekicks of the real man in the
movies. Labels like wimp, puss, Nancy-boy, or weakling follow these men around
throughout their lives.

We are quite aware of the effect unrealistic social ideals of the perfect female body have
over the young woman and girls who read fashion magazines. As a society, great strides
have been made to combat the destructive negative self-talk adolescent girls and young
women engage in, the kind of talk that can lead to emotional damage and eating
disorders.
Young men and adolescent boys are affected by the unrealistic expectations that paint
their worlds as well. Pressure to be the perfect man with the right masculine tool box
trains boys to expect more from themselves than is fair. This unrealistic expectation
follows them into adulthood. The result of these expectations can leave him sitting on the
edge of the bed after a failed romantic interlude, seething with self directed rage and
shame.

Develop an Understanding
The good news is that performance anxiety is not the end of your sexual life. In fact,
there is a great deal of hope for men who wrestle with this issue. Understanding the
sources of your anxiety is a good first step. As you identify those places that form
debilitating stress, you can begin to eliminate them from your life.
Of course, there will always be sources of stress and anxiety that are impossible to stamp
out completely. You can learn exercises and methods to get beyond the physiological
reactions to anxiety. These exercises and methods build self-awareness that will increase
the quality of your sex life. If your performance anxiety has developed into another
sexual problem like erectile dysfunction, many of these same methods offer hope for
reaching beyond the causes. You can get your life back.
To begin, it is important to know the truth about yourself, your sexuality, and what
expectations are actually fair.

The Male Mold

From early on, the mold was formed and set for men. Social pressures dictate exactly
what you are expected to do, be, act, feel, react and think. In the beginning, little girls are
given baby dolls and other things to nurture; boys are taught that it is weak to be
nurturing. Words like sissy and cry-baby make an indelible mark on little boys.

Those words create an acceptable ideal that boys feel the pressure to live up to
throughout their lives.

Walk like a Man

A lot of value is placed on acting like a man when children are first learning how to
look at themselves through the eyes of the world around them. While they are still
babies, the message to little boys is to shake it off, suck it up when they fall down and get
hurt.
Imagine this common scenario: It is late at night, a small child whimpers from the back
of the house. A monster, scary and dangerous, is peeking at the three year old from
behind the closet door. To the child, the monster is as real as the covers he shivers
beneath.
Dad comes down the hall. If the bedroom door has a pink princess poster on it, chances
are his response will be to come in and comfort his sobbing little girl. He will hold her
until she feels safe, and threaten to kick major monster ass if the threat returns. He leaves
the light on for her, the door stays open and she is allowed to feel secure before she falls
back to sleep.
However, if a baseball pennant on the door, dad walks in, shushing his little boys cries.
Theres nothing to be afraid of he says. Opening the closet door, he tells his son to
look, and see that there is no monster. He pats the boy on the head. Be a big boy now
and go to sleep. As he leaves the room and shuts the light back off, he feels a twinge,
hoping that his boy wont grow up to be a sissy. The little boy cowers back beneath the
refuge of his covers, left to find the bravery on his own to combat the monster still
lurking. Anyone knows monsters become invisible when the lights go on, anyway.
What a difference in the expectation placed on males at a young age.

Little Men
It would be a misrepresentation of the truth to contend that little boys and little girls are
essentially identical. Little boys are typically more aggressive by nature, while little girls
tend to be nurturing and social. Even in families where play guns are banned, little boys
will find a way to play war. Just as little girls can turn almost anything into a fascinating
game of house.
As much as there are differences, there are similarities. Both boys and girls tend to be
caring and affectionate. For girls, this behavior is reinforced. Each time a new baby doll

is wrapped up for a birthday present, the mold for women is set and those nurturing
behaviors are encouraged. On the other hand, little boys are often given action toys. Their
play is dictated through competitive games, war figurines, and sporting equipment. Yet,
little boys are as naturally loving and warm as little girls.
As boys grow into middle childhood, any display of these early leanings towards
vulnerability is met with disapproval. Boys who cry when they are hurt or scared are
referred to as sissies. Although society has certainly evolved past the more archaic
views on men and women from decades past, there is still immense pressure for young
boys to act tough, show no emotion, and act rather than feel.

Mamas Boys Not Allowed

As a little boy, the greatest source of love and caring is often the last place you are
expected to remain for very long. Demands on boys encourage them to move from their
mothers sides as early as possible. Social norms place value on a boy mimicking the
behavior of the father or other male figures in his life. As boys get older, the desire to
remain with Mom is seen as a weakness, a behavior that is repeatedly denounced until it
is completely abandoned.
So, the message becomes like a broken record. Abhor anything that reflects the slightest
degree of similarity to the feminine. Girls get scared and express their feelings. What
about boys? Well, boys act like men and suck it up, move past the fear and face it head
on. Girls talk. They chatter about love and friendship and their feelings while boys are
taught to shove their feelings deep inside.
As boys become men, the Male Mold is cast in iron. When they experience anxiety or
fear or any feeling, those early lessons have wiped out any chance for them to open up
and discuss it before anxiety and depression have a chance to root deeply in, and bring
with it a plethora of other problems.

My Fathers Son
Perhaps the greatest influence in the development of machismo in a young man is the
example he gets from his own father. Where Mom is positive and nurturing, Dad is often
stoic and reluctant to show much affection or emotion toward his son. He is proud when
Junior knocks the socks off of a bigger opponent on the football field, but remiss to put
his arm around a whimpering middle-schooler who just got his own clock cleaned on the
same field. The message is clear. Real men show no emotion.

Fathers do their best, no doubt reinforcing the lessons they learned from their own
fathers. The pattern goes back for generations. Again, any characteristic that could be
seen as female is seen as weak, inferior, and the polar opposite of what a man should be.
Fathers are supposed to be hard on their boys, to make real men out of them.
Acceptance is increasingly performance based. You are a good boy for what you can do,
how hard you can work, how much of a man you can be. Intimacy with parents, friends,
and even lovers is not second nature to most men by the time they reach early adulthood.
Those leanings have been stifled and buried s deep, that as a man yourself you are apt to
beat yourself up internally should they ever come to the surface.

The Competitive Drive

As stated previously, men learn as boys that their worth comes from doing. The more
they are able to do, the more they are valued. Part of the problem is that everyone
expects the young man to just know what to do. Asking for help is seen as a weakness.
Admitting dependency is a sign of not quite measuring up.
So what happens to a man who feels stuck and out of his league? He turns inward and
blames himself for not having all of the answers. Translate this to his sexuality. Perhaps
his partner is not satisfied. Or worse yet, maybe he loses an erection by a fluke. What
does he do? He begins a pattern of negative self-talk that compounds a lack of
confidence with internal blame and cruel judgment.
Where winning and competition is concerned, it is the basis for feeling good about
yourself and you are set up for a major disappointment if you fall short. This further
cripples the male mind when something does go wrong. Competitiveness eventually boils
down to competing against yourself. Maybe you left the high school football team
twenty-five years ago, but if your self-worth is tied up with your own success, falling
short is just as rough as losing the big game.

Say What You Need to Say

Men have been taught they should not talk about and share their feelings. It has not been
accepted by society through the generations. But, that is a little inaccurate at its base. The
truth is, men are taught that it is not okay to talk. The drive to succeed and win has turned
into the pressure to succeed. Speaking up when you need a little help is not a natural byproduct of the Male Mold. Men are subtly told that to admit a need is a sign of
weakness. Men are supposed to be winners, to dominate. Weakness is unthinkable.
So, where does that leave you if you do need help? For a lot of men, the inability to
express themselves translates into negative and hurtful behaviors. Some men turn to

alcohol or drugs, others to destructive relationships. These things become new forms of
competition and men drive themselves to succeed at being unhappy.
Have you ever heard the old line that a man will drive around until he runs out of gas
before he will ask for directions? In the realities of life and relationship, he will often
develop crippling anxiety before he reaches out and admits something is going on.
Anxiety has severely negative consequences on your health and on your sex life.

Society and Sexual Expectations of Men

Lets face it. All of this pressure placed on boys and men to be strong, succeed, and show
no weakness, doesnt end when a man reaches a certain age. In fact, some might say the
pressure on a man increases over the span of his life. This is especially true in the
bedroom. Society places unfair expectations on men in the bedroom, unlike almost any
other place.
The entire worldview of human sexuality in modern society lays the responsibility at the
feet of men. Men are the aggressors, the pursuers. How many women in the movies
pursue the man, and then ravish him to the point of ecstasy? Men are expected to have
all of the answers. As the sexual pursuers in most relationships, the responsibility for
sexual satisfaction on the part of either partner rests unfairly on his broad shoulders.

Partner Pressure
Sometimes the pressure for a man is not just the nebulous pressure society piles on him.
Sometimes the pressure is made very real in the reactions of your female companion.
Women hit their sexual peak at a much later age than men. While most men are peaking
in their late teens and early twenties, women begin to really come into their own around
their mid-thirties. Many women find the voice to explain their needs by that age as well.
While all of these things are good for society and wonderful for the individual woman,
done in the wrong way they can wreak havoc on the male partner.
If things are going well in the bedroom, a woman will be sure to express her satisfaction
and approval to her male partner. When she feels cherished, a woman is open and giving
with not just her approval but her appreciation. Nothing does more for a male ego than to
have the complete devotion and appreciation of his lover. He feels valued, successful,
and accepted.

On the other hand, if a woman fails to orgasm, or does not feel sexually satisfied, her
reactions are not hard to understand. Even if her disappointment is nonverbal, her partner
can clearly see she is upset. Caresses and touching cease. Smiles and coos of
contentment turn to cold silence. She may even adopt body language, such as turning
toward the wall or sighing out loud.
What is happening in his head all the while? His armor has been penetrated. His
confidence goes from on top of the world to in the tank in three-point-five seconds.
He has failed. His performance was less than stellar. Since his entire self-image is tied
up in his performance, he feels like a loser all around. His partners grumpy facial
expression does more damage to his inner self than three rounds with Mike Tyson in the
boxing ring would do to his face. Her anger can pummel his self-worth.

An Unfair Responsibility
Just as the social pressures learned from childhood have taught men their roles in life, it
has done the same for women. Women learn men are the sexual instigators. While
women are encouraged to be open and honest with their emotions, especially to each
other, there is not a lot of precedence for a woman to talk candidly about her sexual
needs.
Many times women feel awkward or even dirty bringing up their own sexual needs.
While the media has begun to portray some sexually forward women in movies and on
television, it is sometimes still too much of a stretch for the average woman to identify
with this mentality. There is still a pervading image of that woman who expresses herself
sexually is loose, or a bitch. Think Sex in the City. How many women do you know that
could really relate to Carrie Bradshaw?

Performance Anxiety, a Womans

Perspective

Performance anxiety affects the woman in your life as well, though her thoughts and
symptoms may be slightly different. Why is it important to understand the reality of the
condition from her perspective? There are a couple of reasons. One, if there is a bit of an
impasse between you and your partner in the bedroom, the root cause of it may have
nothing to do with your sexual performance. Your own performance anxiety may make
you think that the issue is you, when it is really just deep inside her head.

Just like cultural expectations place unfair demands on little boys, society plays havoc on
the self-esteem of girls and women starting at a young age. Slick magazine photos
feature unrealistically thin models adding to the pressure for women and young girls to
live up to an ideal that is often biologically impossible.
Women often begin the habit of spectatoring (more detail soon) when they question their
own body image. The average sized woman in the United States is a size 14. To her, the
clothing the runway models and fashion magazine designers produce come closer to doll
clothes than anything she can imagine fitting into. She looks at the images that surround
her, and feels woefully unattractive. If those thoughts plague her in the bedroom, the
shame that accompanies those feelings of inadequacy is potentially devastating.
Performance anxiety in men may manifest itself as erectile dysfunction. In women, the
anxiety can cause her to become physically unable to have sexual intercourse. She
literally closes off penetration to her vagina, becoming so overly anxious that the muscles
tighten into an impenetrable barrier. This condition, called vaginismus, is essentially an
involuntary muscle spasm that closes the vagina.

Sex Myths

Just as men fight against the myth of unrealistic sexual prowess in the media and popular
culture, todays woman sees an impossible sexual fantasy on the cover of every magazine
she passes at the grocery store checkout stand. Headlines scream Have Multiple Orgasms
every Night or Secrets to Screaming Hot Sex.
How are all of these women having multiple orgasms, while she is not sure shes ever felt
a single orgasm? Are the gals from Sex in the City really a reflection on the rest of the
world? If she is not experiencing an orgasm, or has difficulty feeling aroused while you
make love to her, her thoughts begin racing. Pretty soon she is spectatoring.
Will I reach orgasm this time? she wonders. With each thrust and hint at arousal, she
thinks, Is it coming? Will it happen now? What she cannot understand is why she is
the only woman in America unable to orgasm.
Another myth that seems to have taken on a life of its own is the idea of female
ejaculation. There is a mysterious clear substance that, at the height of passion, a woman
releases from an unknown source. The debate has raged for years, some contend that it is
merely urine coming from the urethra, while scientific evidence seems to point to another
source for the actual substance. Many women feel inferior if they have never ejaculated.

It is an extremely rare occurrence. You cant tell that by the ongoing cultural
conversation. Numerous articles, workshops, and books purport to teach women sure fire
ways to achieve this mind blowing sexual function. The truth of the matter is, less than
two percent of women ever experience this phenomenon.

One Step Forward and a Step Back

While the womens movement and the advent of feminism have increased a womans
voice, in the bedroom there are still issues. So, if she is reluctant to speak up when she
needs something different, all that is left is for her partner to read her mind. This is an
unfortunate scenario that robs both partners of the communication they need to establish
an open and honest relationship.
Instead, she begins to hold her own dissatisfaction against her partner. She withdraws her
affection and attention, even outside the bedroom. Soon, an emotional impasse forms,
and both have additional anxiety as a result.

Spectatoring
In 1970, famed sexual behavior researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson coined
a phrase to describe a habit some men and women develop when they are troubled by
performance anxiety. They called the practice spectatoring. Regardless of the sound of
the name, it has nothing to do with becoming a spectator. Spectatoring is not physically
observing your own sex moves. You dont need mirrors over the bed or a video camera to
practice spectatoring.
What is spectatoring then?
Spectatoring = Thinking in the third person as you experience sexual activity.
It is simply the preoccupation with your sexual performance as you perform it. In other
words, every move you make becomes the subject of your most critical inner voice. You
lose focus on being present in the moment. Instead, your conscious mind takes over the
role of sports announcer, with a twist. Spectatoring can look like the following:
You are in the middle of some passionate kissing with your partner. She is in your arms
and responds with enthusiasm to your touches. You are in a quiet space, uninterrupted;
things are about to take an intimate turn. Setting, timing, and emotion are all right for a
night of great lovemaking.

Pretty soon, things begin to take a more serious turn. Intentions are clear as her hands
move toward your penis. She removes your clothes (like you removed hers) and begins
to caress you in the sensitive genital region.
For whatever reason, your mind begins to think about what is happening. Sometimes, a
previous negative sexual experience can come back into your thinking, undermining your
confidence and causing you to worry about this sexual encounter. This is when
spectatoring begins.
One stroke and you feel stimulation bubble up. You can tell you are becoming erect.
More touching, more caresses and your mind begins to question. What if I lose it this
time? Instead of enjoying the sensations and physical closeness to your partner, your
mind buzzes with obsessive thinking.
Over thinking may be a more accurate description. You move from the role of lover into
spectator. Like a sportscaster calling each play of a football game, you review each
move, sometimes before it even takes place. But, unlike the guy in the press box, your
play-by-play includes a bit of a negative tone.
Spectatoring produces a great deal of anxiety in your mind. Worry doesnt just stifle your
thinking, it has physiological ramifications. Your body reacts to anxiety and these
reactions work against your physical sexual response. As a matter of physical law, you
cannot be anxious and sexually aroused at the same time. It is not possible.
As you become obsessed with your own sexual performance, you actually set yourself up
for failure. Returning to the previous vignette, lets say your partner continues to
intensify her sexual touching. She is becoming aroused, completely unaware of your
internal dialogue. For you, the effects of anxiety are beginning to take their toll. You
lose your erection. Embarrassment sets in. Your touches stop abruptly, she is aware that
something is wrong, both of you pull away and a very difficult discussion begins.
After the fallout, you are demoralized and spectatoring has taken its toll. The next time
you are involved in a sexual encounter, thoughts of that lost erection invade your
thinking. Eventually, the spectatoring robs you of every erection for weeks or months.
Essentially, the spectatoring has lead to erectile dysfunction.

Thoughts Out of Control

Many people experience the inability to turn off the thinking. This is thought to be a
symptom of highly intelligent people. Reducing your overall anxiety is a great antidote
for this type of mind racing. You have to learn to refocus, to allow the jumping thoughts
calm down and release you from the physiological consequences of an anxious mind.

When you learn to implement sensate focus exercises, you can bring yourself into a state
of relaxation that will allow you to be completely free of anxiety. This state, called alpha
state relaxation, will give you the sensation of floating on the air. Your cares and your
worries become a thing of the past, even temporarily. Relaxing into the alpha state
activates your bodys relaxation responses. Read on to learn about these exercises.
Spectatoring is the act of thinking in the third person as you experience sexual activity.
Through meditation, whole-body relaxation, and sensate-focus techniques, you can find
your way past the racing thoughts that plague you during intimate activity. Even if your
performance anxiety leads to other sexual dysfunction, anxiety reduction efforts help.

Anxiety- The Big Off Switch

Anxiety 101

Stress is a normal part of life. These days, there seems to be no shortage of things that
cause stress every single day. Between the demands of work, paying bills, car and home
maintenance, and a shaky economy; everywhere you look there is something else to
worry about. Turn on the news at night, and you might as well give it up.
Stress is a big umbrella that covers a lot of territory. We hear a lot about stress and its
effect on everyone from the unborn to the elderly. When does stress cross the line
between normal and dangerous? Is it ever a good thing? What can it do to you? These are
important things to understand.

Stressed for a Reason?

Anxiety has a purpose in human physiology. Anxiety signals the brain that danger is
present. Adrenaline is released. The body is prompted to respond in fight or flight
mode. Nonessential body systems are shut down and energy is conserved as the body
prepares for the threat.
This is an excellent reflex if you are carjacked or suddenly accosted by a grizzly bear. It
is not so ideal for a romantic evening. In fact, anxiety is the great off switch for sexual
responses. You cannot achieve an erection when your body is in a state of anxiety. This
is a scientific fact; it is a physiological phenomenon that has nothing to do with you or
your ability to be sexual. (Diagram from http://www.scool.co.uk/alevel/psychology/stress/what-is-stress.html)
Sometimes stress is a good thing. Recent research has proven normal amounts of stress
actually motivate us to excel, prevents us from becoming slouchy coach potatoes. Mild
stress is a good motivator for kids in school, for example, who place value on
achievement.
Normal stress represents the little bit of worry you might have when a minor car issue
makes you late for a family get together. It amounts to a temporary worry, maybe a little
more than just an annoyance, but you know that life goes on and this too, shall pass.
In truth, there are those people who just seem to be more stressed than others. Certain
personalities seem to become stressed out with life in general. If you are prone to this
kind of stress, there are life strategies that can help alleviate that pressure. For other men,
anxiety starts in the bedroom when something doesnt happen quite the way it is
supposed to.
In some cases, normal stress can turn into something else. Sometimes, an excessive
amount of stress in everyday life, like losing a job, an illness or death in the family, or
even renovating a home can change the game from normal life stress to higher levels of
anxiety. Anxiety is present when that stress turns into feelings of apprehension, fear and
uneasiness. When anxiety negatively affects your life, it is time to do something.

First, you have to understand what it is doing to you.

The Nervous System

It is pretty elementary, but you know the nervous system governs the bodys responses.
The basics include the brain and the spinal cord. The brain sends messages to different
parts of the body. The messages travel through the spinal cord to various nerve endings.
In turn, those nerve endings send signals back to the brain through the same route,
prompting the brain to respond in a certain way.
The nerve endings that extend outward from the spinal cord are referred to as the
peripheral nervous system. This is broken down further into the voluntary (skeletal)
nervous system and the involuntary (autonomic) nervous system. Essentially, you have
conscious control over one, and not the other.
When you reach your arms high in the air to snag a lateral pass on the football field, your
voluntary nervous system translates your desire to reach out from your brain into
movement. The brain sent signals to the nerve endings in your skeletal muscles that
caused your arm to reach out your body to dive for it, and even your mouth to curve
upward in that smug smile of satisfaction and you broke into a fast sprint to the end
zone. This is the voluntary nervous system hard at work.
On the other hand, the involuntary does not require conscious thought. Thank goodness.
If it did, you would never get past breathing. Involuntary reflexes keep your lungs
working, your heart beating and the blood pumping. Each stage of digestion is controlled
this way as well. (When is the last time you had to tell your stomach to break down that
second order of nachos?)
Involuntary reflexes, controlled by the involuntary nervous system, jump into action
whenever the mind activates those nerve endings. If something comes a little too close to
your field of vision, your eyes blink as a reflex to keep your delicate eyes safe. Your
sexual responses are reflexive as well. If someone touches your penis, more than likely
you will end up with an involuntary erection.
These reflexes are beyond your control. A thought in your conscious mind will not stop
your heart from beating or your liver from processing fat. This is important to remember
as you learn more about the effects of anxiety on your body.
The involuntary nervous system is broken down further into the sympathetic and
parasympathetic nervous systems. Simply put, the sympathetic nervous system exists to
stimulate your bodys super-fast responses in the face of a threat. If you are in fight or
flight mode, your sympathetic nervous system is calling the shots. This is true whenever
your body feels anxious. So, if you are in the midst of anxiety in a sexual situation, your
sympathetic nervous system is going to control how your body responds.

On the other hand, the parasympathetic nervous system comes into play when you are
relaxed. This system releases those feel-good chemicals like endorphins that make you
feel happy and relaxed, like you havent got a care in the world. When you sleep, the
parasympathetic nervous system makes sure you remain in that state.

Sexual Responses
Another part of the physiology of anxiety that you need to understand is that in order for
you to achieve an erection, the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic
nervous system work together in tandem in a very delicate balance. If one part of that
balance is thrown out of whack, the sexual response is not going to reflect your desires.
In fact, if you are too anxious, you become physically unable to have an erection.
When your brain senses stimulation and the arousal reaction begins, your sympathetic
nervous systems kicks in and your heart rate quickens, your breathing becomes
shallower, and blood is increased to the genitals. At the exact same time, your
parasympathetic nervous system relaxes the muscles in the penis, slowing the blood to
flow in and fill up the chambers in the penis, increasing pressure and making the penis
firm.
If any part of this equation is off kilter, there will be no blood flowing into the penis and
no erection. If your mind begins a dialog within, spectatoring, anxiety smashes into the
sexual response like a Mack truck and shuts everything down.

Finding Answers
Relaxation Techniques

Turning off an anxious response is the best weapon you have to combat performance
anxiety. How do you do that? You need to learn how to refocus your mind. Exercises
and relaxation techniques make this possible with practice. Remember, when you second
guess yourself during sex, your body is reacting to the anxiety of your mental response to
your own negative thought pattern. But, refocusing those responses is definitely within
your grasp. Have patience as you learn to activate your own relaxation response. Seek

the help of a sex therapist who can walk you through the process with your partner. Try
the exercises that follow before you give up entirely. You have nothing to lose and
everything to gain.

Relaxation Techniques
When we feel anxious our whole body responds. Muscles tighten, breathing becomes
shallower, and we become more distracted. As part of the sensate focus method, you will
learn to relax your entire body. One technique is called progressive relaxation:
1.

Lie down on a comfortable bed or sofa.

2.

Eliminate distractionsturn off cells phones, PDAs, and pagers.

3.
Notice sensations in your head, move down the body to your neck, shoulders,
chest, abdomen, arms and hands, genitals, thighs, buttocks, legs and feet.
4.
Start the process, tighten and release every part of your body. Begin with your head,
inhale deeply and then tighten your face, your eyes, and your mouth. Hold for
approximately 5 seconds, exhale and relax. Duplicate this tightening and releasing
exercise utilizing every part of your body. Dont rush. Take your time.
5.
Next inhale and tighten your entire body. Hold the tension for 5 seconds, then
exhale and relax. Repeat this 3 times.
6.
Meditation-Relaxation. Like the above Mental Focus techniques, just take easy
breaths, inhaling and exhaling. Let yourself drift. Continue for 10-15 minutes.
A tension-free body and a quiet mind are essential for creating the best environment to
improve your erections.

Improve Your Mental Focus

Sex begins in the mind. We are all besieged with the stresses of everyday lifeyour job,
paying bills, problems in your relationship, financial fears. First - set all of these
distractions aside. You need to learn to do a mind dump to release worries and
anxiety.
This is how the mind focus works:

1.
Find a quiet room where you wont be disturbed. Television and music are off,
cell cells phones are off, and the dog is in the backyard. Nothing else in the vicinity
should be allowed to disturb your concentration.
2.
Sit comfortably in a chair with a back (you dont want to aggravate your spine
while doing this). Unfold your hands and feet. Close your eyes and relax your body.
Focus your breathing as your point of reference- inhale the breath into the body and the
exhale the breath out of your body.
3.
When you inhale, your abdomen should fill the air, not your lungs or shoulders.
This basic form of breathing is called belly breathing.
4.
When a thought intrudes into your mind you will need to release it. Take your
thought and transform it into a gentle imagea waterfall, waves on the ocean, clouds in
the sky. See that image in the front of your mind. Then watch it slowly move beyond
your eyesight and release it. Let it go. Release it and immediately refocus on your
breathing.

Sensate Focus

Therapists suggest using certain exercises that will help you reconnect with your sexual
side. Sensate focus refers to honing in on the sensations of touch and away from the
thoughts that can turn your mind into an anxiety machine. In other words, sensate focus
transitions you from a state of doing into a state of being done.
As your partner touches you, your focus should not be on the work. As your partner
caresses your abdomen, then moves her hand lower to your penis, you should not be
focused on anything besides simply enjoying the fact that the woman you love is
involved in a very intimate exhibition of her affection and physical attraction for you.
Doesnt that sound a lot better than wondering if you are going to do everything right?
Sensate focus exercises are designed to help you get your head in the right place. As you
learn to relax under the touch of your partner again, you will break free from the trap of
anxiety feeding anxiety.

Sensate Focus Exercises

It is necessary for you to learn to reconnect with your sensual side. Sensate focus refers
to focusing on the sensations of touch within your body and staying away from the
thoughts that can turn your mind into an anxiety machine. Sensate focus completely
immerses you in the moment of the touch. You are "self-centered"-- that is, engaged in
how the touch feels to you, not on pleasing your partner, which is the very root of
performance anxiety.
You are released from the pressure of performing, and are encouraged to enjoy the
physical sensations of touch for yourself. As your partner touches you, focus on the
softness of her touch, the pressure, the coolness or warmth of her hand. How does it feel
to you? As your partner caresses your abdomen, then moves her hand lower to your
penis, relax and enjoy the luxury of her touch. Don't worry about needing to initiate any
sex play.
Doesnt that sound a lot better than wondering if you're doing everything right? Sensate
focus exercises are designed to help you revitalize your body by calming the mind. As
you learn to relax under the touch of your partner, you break the pattern of performance
anxiety and expand your sexual arousal.
One of the greatest remedies is a four step technique developed by Masters and Johnson.
The idea is to help train you with the help of your partner to reconnect to your bodys
sensory reactions. The techniques, called sensate exercises, focus on touching without an
emphasis on orgasm.
The technique spans several sessions. The level of touching is graduated at each level. It
is an effective technique for several sexual issues, including performance anxiety. At the
end of the technique period, you will be more tuned into your bodys own reactions.
Sensate focus helps you to learn to calm down and tune in, leaving behind destructive
anxiety that can sabotage your sexual reactions.
Plan to speak with your partner before beginning this exercise. The creaters of this
exercise recommend silence throughout the session so that you and your partner don't
distract each other.
Deciding where to touch is the choice of the partner initiating the touch, "the active
partner." Just let the touch unfold. Don't think about it, try to be creative or seek to elicit
a specific response from your partner. Remember, you are touching for yourself. No
expectations. No goals.
Try to relax and focus as you learn about your own sensations. This exercise reinforces
the ability to stay tuned in to your body and at the same time, your partner enjoys her
own sensations. This is called "non-demand pleasuring" and it is one of the best antidotes
to performance anxiety.

Stage 1

The first step in sensate focus exercises involves touching without a sexual component.
You and your partner will touch, stroke, and caress each other. The genitals and the
breasts are off limits for this stage. The inventors of this exercise recommend silence
throughout the session. If you become aroused, intercourse is not allowed during this
stage.
Deciding where the touches will be belongs to the one doing the touching. This helps the
partner learn to accept the sensations without focusing too much on his or her thoughts.
Be sure to communicate if the touching is uncomfortable. Verbal or even nonverbal
communication can clue you into whether your partner is comfortable with your touch.
The point is to begin to get you and your partner to focus on the way touch feels. Rather
than focusing your mind on the outcome, or what you think it should be, you learn to
simply experience the sensations of your lovers touch.

Stage 2

In this second stage, you will be allowed to expand your touching to the breasts and the
genital areas for both partners. This should not, however, be the first place you go.
Continue to caress and touch other areas as well. The end result here is still not a focus
on sexual intercourse or orgasm. The important point here is to tap into the awareness of
your partners touch. With practice, you begin to learn the art of listening to your own
physical responses.
During this exercise, you may be instructed to place your hand over the hand of your
partner, gently guiding her hand to the places you want her to go. This is a way to
communicate your desires nonverbally. If you want her to apply more pressure, mimic
the move with your own hand. The same is true for a different pace. Indicate by lightly
changing the movement of your hand to show her how fast or slow you would like her to
move.
Trade off and let her hand guide yours when it is your turn to touch. Following her
simple changes will teach you the touches she most appreciates. Remember, even if you
get her aroused, no sexual intercourse is allowed yet.
One important point, make sure your touch is in the form of a guiding touch. This
exercise is called hand guiding. You are not to directly take over the movements. You
partner is still in control, your hand guiding is simply a suggestion. By communicating in
this nonverbal fashion, she will learn exactly how and where you like to be touched.

Stage 3

In this stage of the sensate exercises, you and your partner will begin to touch each other
at the same time, rather than taking turns. Try to relax and focus as you have learned to
focus. This exercise reinforces the ability to stay tuned in to your own sensations, even
while giving your partner her own sensations.
Sexual arousal is increasingly possible but it is not the point of this exercise. Refrain
from intercourse.

Stage 4

This stage may actually take a few sessions to progress through. Mutual touching
between yourself and your partners increases. At some point, your partner will move into
the top position, laying her body over yours as if intercourse was going to occur. In this
position, she may place your penis close to her vulvar region, although penetration is still
off the table. In subsequent sessions, she may place the tip of the penis inside her vagina,
but the point is still not on thrusting. Both partners should stay relaxed with increased
awareness of the sensual sensations. If your arousal begins to reach a peak, shift back to
mutual touching.
Practicing this technique will help you to transition from thinking about your sexual
performance to experiencing it. Performance anxiety robs you of the pleasure and
intimacy sex can give you. Learning to let go of anxiety and get back in touch with the
sensual pleasures of sexual touching through sensate focus techniques can vastly improve
your sexual experience.

One Last Word about Stress and Anxiety

Unless you live with your head in a bubble, you have no doubt heard about the effects
stress and anxiety can have on your health. Studies and research constantly highlight the
negative effects that too much stress can have on the body. As a reminder, take a look at
the following list. Stress has been pegged as a major cause of each of the following
symptoms:

Insomnia

Headaches

Heart disease

High blood pressure

Mental and emotional disorders

Heart palpitations

Stroke

Irritable bowel syndrome and colitis

Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation

Stress continues to be a major factor in lowered immune systems and in other illnesses.
In fact, many researchers are beginning to believe that stress may play a role in newer
health phenomenons like Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Stress has also
been linked to overproduction of the hormone cortisol. Excess cortisol is responsible for
that unattractive belly fat everyone seems to be talking about these days.
Acute stress can cause skin problems and hair loss. Panic attacks and other emotional
disorders due to stress can shut down your body when it gets to be too much. Learning to
manage your stress level is essential to your health - both in and out of the bedroom.

Taking Measures to Protect your Health

You have already read about the toll stress and anxiety can take on your sexual health.
Couple that with the list above, and ask yourself: Wouldnt it be a good idea to do
something about the effects of stress and anxiety on your overall health? Lifestyle
choices are the best place to begin, and the place where you have the most power to
change. Here are a few things you can do now.

Eat Well
Take a look at your daily diet. Do you eat like you are still seventeen? If your kitchen is
filled to the top with empty carbohydrates and artificial everything else, you need a
reality check. Eating badly adds its own level of stress to your body. Your body needs
good nutrition in order to function at its best. Too much alcohol and caffeine take their
toll on your body as well.

Poor nutrition can lead to headaches, sluggishness, irritability, and slow immune
responses. It goes without saying what it can do to your heart health and your waist line.
All of these factors have a way of making it tough to cope with normal life stresses.
Do what you can to eliminate unnecessary stress. Clean out those cabinets and replace
the snack cakes with fruit; exchange frozen foods for lean meats, vegetables and whole
grains. You can make it a joint effort. Learn how to cook and enjoy new foods with your
partner.

Get up and Move

Not only will exercise help you eliminate some excess pounds, which add needless stress
to your heart and cardiovascular system, but it can improve your sleep and make you feel
better. Even moderate exercise will improve your outlook on life. Make sure that you
ask your doctor before you begin a new exercise regimen. You have a lot to gain, and
even some things to lose (in a good way.)
Yoga is a great way to do some exercise and lower your anxiety at the same time. Yoga is
a low impact strength building practice that can reduce your heart rate and lower your
blood pressure. It has the added benefit of raising your levels of hormones like serotonin,
dopamine, and endorphins. All of these hormones are part of your parasympathetic
nervous system. They put you into a state of relaxation.

Seek Help

Follow the meditations and whole body relaxation methods mentioned earlier to get rid of
some of that extra stress. This is essential. Remember that checklist from before? In
case you didnt notice the first time through, other sexual problems can be a result of too
much stress and anxiety. Sexual dysfunctions feed off of each other. Think about this.
Lets say you have an erection go wrong because you are super stressed out about an
upcoming project at work. You lose your erection once due to the acute anxiety. The
problems at work get resolved and that stress is gone. However, you didnt realize the
real issues behind your temporary erectile dysfunction. So the next time you are up to
bat, you start spectatoring and voila`! Performance anxiety is born.
Do what you need to do to eliminate the extra anxiety in your life. Sex therapy is an
excellent way to help you focus the right attention on the issues you are going through. A
sex therapist will help you work through the emotional side of the stress and anxiety you
are feeling. She also has the insider knowledge on the physiological ramifications of
stress and how that affects your sexual responses.

The Outlook for Mens Sexual Health

It seems like each generation is a little bit better off than the one that came before. The
good news for men in the twenty-first century is that sexual issues like performance
anxiety are better understood now than ever before. There is no reason to suffer silently
or to allow dangerous mind viruses to color your understanding of what is happening to
you. A mind virus is a poisonous thought pattern that places the blame for physiological
issues with your bodys sexual responses to your worth as a man. As you have already
seen, these negative thoughts can lead to self-fulfilled sexual issues beyond performance
anxiety.
You have the right to expect a fulfilling sex life. You have the right to amazing intimacy
with the woman you love. It is not unrealistic to expect love and support from your
partner. Neither is it out of the question for you to expect less pressure from yourself.
Keep healthy, keep happy. Do not fail yourself on this one. If you need the help of a
therapist, go after it. Do not suffer another day with performance anxiety, or any other
sexual health issue that can be helped and reversed.

Ms. Feder received her undergraduate degree in psychology from Ohio

University. She worked as social worker and community organizer
for one of the largest family mental health agencies in Los Angeles.
In pursuit of an advanced degree on the graduate level, she studied

psychology at Antioch University at its Marina Del Rey campus in

Los Angeles California.
Ms. Feder then completed her studies at the Institute for the Study of Advanced Human
Sexuality. She is both a credentialed Sex Educator and Clinical Sexologist. She
has continued post-graduate studies in psychology and human sexuality at ULCA. She
maintains a private practice in West Los Angeles.
She is a nationally recognized expert is the field of human sexuality, particularly sexual
dysfunction. She works primarily with the behavioral "sensate focus" approach
pioneered by sex researchers Masters and Johnson. Her practice includes couples,
singles, men and women. She is also a certified dating coach which enables her to work
with shy clients to help them develop their social skills.
She is a Professional Member of AASECT (American Association of Sex, Educators,
Counselors and Teachers) Professional Sexologists Association as well as a former
member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (Nationals Coaches
Federation.)
She is the author of four books and is currently working on a comprehensive book
dealing with sexual enrichment for couples.