Psychology of communication

Introduction
A large portion of our lives is spent communicating with others. Sharing your thoughts and
understanding another person's feelings are essential skills for functioning in any society in
the world. It is no surprise then that difficulty with communication is the #1 issue that brings
people to couples counseling, and is at the core of many other things that we struggle with.
The following is a simple model of communication that can help illustrate how
communicating with others really works, all the places it can go wrong, and what we can do
to be better.

Overview
The picture above is a really simple map of how any type of communication works. The
necessary pieces are a sender, a receiver, and a message. For human communication, each
person has an added step of either coding or decoding a message. The two basic ways of
coding messages are putting it in some kind of language (speech or writing) and/or
nonverbally communicating it (body language, tone, etc). The receiver then interprets
(decodes) the words and nonverbals, hoping to arrive at an understanding of what the sender
really means.
To put it all together, an example would be Person A notices she is hungry so she puts her
hand on her stomach and says, "Wow, I'm getting huuuuuungry." Person B sees and hears
this, and interprets it to mean that Person A is hungry. Simple right?
Communication Problems
The way we encode and decode messages is based on how we learned to communicate in
earlier stages of life. Without getting overly complicated about it, all words are really just
symbols that represent certain things, and every person can have a slightly different
understanding even at the individual word level. Furthermore, the actual number of words we
know and complexity of language changes with more experience, and the ways we code and
decode messages are determined by our culture, family patterns, and other experiences.

Communication problems can then emerge at every step of the above model because no two
people have had exactly same life experiences that shape communication patterns.
Sender Problems: The most common problem that we can make as message senders is
coding our thought, feeling or need in a way that has a low chance of being understood by the
receiver. Consider how you might code the message of feeling hungry differently to a 3 year
old, someone who doesn't speak the same language as you, and your best friend. Those
should look and sound completely different. Thus, choosing the best way to code a message
is important to make sure the receiver gets a good understanding.
Another common problem is that sometimes our thoughts, feelings, or ideas are extremely
complex, and we may not even have a good sense of them ourselves. Thus, sending messages
outward about things we don't understand well within ourselves also has a low likelihood of
being understood by the receiver.
Receiver Problems: The biggest problem that happens when we receive messages is in
decoding things inaccurately, which can be caused by 1) not really attending to the sender, 2)
not having the skills necessary to decode the message, or 3) adding your our own meaning to
the message that was not really intended by the sender. For the first, if you don't really pay
attention completely to the message (including the nonverbal aspects), you can miss critical
elements of it, and then have a misunderstanding. For the second, if you don't know certain
words or the message is too complex, then there is a low chance of really understanding it.
For the third, we can automatically add things to the message that make us miss what was
intended. From the earlier example, suppose Person A is truly just hungry, but Person B was
late making dinner and decodes the message as criticism and takes offense. There would
likely be a conflict after that, and it would be due to a misinterpretation from the receiver
(and also a poor reading of the context from the sender). Think about how much this happens
in text and emails.
Two Person Problem
Without exception, all communication problems are two person problems. Yes. Anytime there
is a misunderstanding, it is the fault of both the sender and the receiver.

Let's go back to the example from the last section. Person A could have thought ahead and
remembered that Person B gets touchy when he is late in making dinner, and Person A could
then have said something like "Wow that smells amazing! I can't wait to have some, I'm
starving!" instead. Person B could also have been better at decoding the message and
knowing that Person A really means no harm but was just speaking truth that she was hungry
and meant nothing more by it, and thus would not have taken offense. The point is that no
single person is 100% at fault for any communication problem.
How To Communicate Better
So how can we get better at communicating based on all of this? I don't think we need to
learn a bunch of tricky ways to phrase things, or subscribe to rules like using "I Statements"
or any of that. Instead, we just need to have better awareness of how messy communicating
is, and being more thoughtful about sending and receiving messages.
1. Be Aware of your own communication errors. We are all susceptible to sending confusing
messages and to missing the boat in terms of what someone else was trying to tell us. When
we are aware that all of us can make all of the communication mistakes in this article, we can
adjust how we send and receive messages.
2. Choose your words (and actions) wisely based on who the receiver is. As much as we
would love for our partners, parents, and employers to just automatically be able to know
what our needs and feelings are, or interpret all of our questions and comments with complete
accuracy, they can't. We can become better senders by thinking about how the specific person
at this specific time would be receive a message, and then deliver it in that form.
3. Check in with the sender when you are decoding messages to make sure you have the right
understanding. After hearing something, especially if it strikes you strangely, ask the sender if
you are hearing it correctly instead of trusting your interpretation completely. Think about
how many arguments can be prevented with just that one!
Counseling can be a great option to understand more about your interpersonal style, and how
to communicate better.

The Interpersonal Matrix

Earlier models of interpersonal communication focused on general communication styles,
and power dynamics between people. I found them to be relatively difficult to use for helping
people understand and improve their communication with others, so I developed the
Interpersonal Matrix. The model is done in the spirit of these other works (mostly the
Interpersonal Circle), but I have focused more on specific types of behaviors and
interpersonal moves that we all make in communicating with others. I hope that it can be a
usable guide to understanding patterns of interactions as well as finding new moves to
improve relationships.

The Interpersonal Matrix

Complementarity
Like previous communication models, the Interpersonal Matrix operates on the principle of
complementarity. This means that there are instinctual patterns ofmatching the
communication moves of the other person. For example, when a teacher starts teaching,
students automatically go into a listening mode, usually without having to think about it. One
could also say that if the students sat passively, ready for information and looking at the
teacher, that the teacher would start teaching. This is complementarity.

The most important thing here is that people usually match the general tone of the other
person; basically being friendly if the other is friendly, and hostile if the other person is being
hostile. This is represented in the two columns in the Interpersonal Matrix. To put in the
easiest terms, if you are a jerk to someone, he will instinctively be a jerk back. Be nice and
there is an instinct to be nice back.
Approach / Engage / Distance
The

rows

of

the

Matrix

represent

different

positions

while

we

are

communicating.Approaching is making a move that directly reveals thoughts and

feelings; Engaging is being an active participant in the communication, usually in response;
and Distancingis moving away from the other person or ending communication.
Friendly-Receptive Moves
Friendly Approach: When we decide to share thoughts, feelings, and information; advise or
teach; express views; tell a story; or pursue contact, and do so with a friendly tone, we are in
friendly approach. Even if we are feeling angry, we can share that information with a
serious but collaborative tone that is seeking to ultimately repair something.
Friendly Engagement: We when are looking to connect and join with another person by being
interested, validating, understanding, accepting, supportive, empathic, attentive, and caring,
we are in friendly engagement. This the move to use when you want to make sure the other
person feels heard and understood.
Friendly Distancing: This is when we disengage from an interaction in a respectful way;
withdraw in emotional distress (feeling hurt, afraid, guilty, etc), or avoid an interaction to
prevent or diffuse a conflict, or to take or provide emotional space.

Aggressive-Rejecting Moves
Aggressive Approach: Anytime we are being confrontational; or attacking, threatening,
accusing, criticizing, judging, insulting, controlling, or coercive, we are in aggressive
approach. Sometimes we may not be intending to do these things and believe we are in

friendly approach, but it is perceived by the other person as an attack. To avoid that, it can
be key to make sure the person clearly can sense a friendly and caring tone so they can
respond accordingly.
Aggressive Engagement: This includes defensiveness (being offended, lawyering, denying,
making pressured explanations, etc); being oppositional, resistant, or indignant; provoking or
baiting someone into a conflict; being passive-aggressive; and being dismissive, inattentive,
cold, sarcastic, or aloof.
Aggressive Distancing: When we choose to emotionally withdraw or end communication
abruptly, with hostility, or to cause emotional distress in the other person; ignore the other
person, stonewall (not responding), avoidant, or closed-off from contact, we are doing
aggressive distancing. This can also be seen as a way of being passive-aggressive, like
described above, but this style is all about being unwilling to participate in the
communication.
Using this Interpersonal Matrix
There are a number of ways to use this model. First, it can be used to track a general pattern
of communicating with someone. You can retrace what happened in a specific discussion
based on the Matrix, and then examine what could have been done differently to improve for
next time.
Next, it is a good way to see how conflict is happening. I have seen most conflicts develop
when Person A believes he is being friendly, but Person B perceives it as hostile. Person B
then responds defensively and then Person A is confused and also gets defensive, and on and
on.
Second, it can help us figure out what type of move we may want to make in advance.
Specifically, if there is a pattern where someone becomes critical of you, and you become
defensive, looking at the Matrix can show you other ways to interact if that happens.
You can also use it to consider what someone else may be wanting from you. For example,
usually when people share information (friendly approach), they are hoping for someone to
listen and validate (friendly engagement), not necessarily give advice back (friendly

approach), critique what happened (aggressive approach), or only pretend to care (aggressive
engagement).
Additionally, you can learn these 6 moves and become a master communicator by having a
map of how to alter the way a conversation is going. Ultimately, the single most useful thing
that people have taken from this is realizing that when you are in a conflict and want to be
out, moving to friendly engagement (i.e. listening and validating), and staying there for at
least 3 or 4 exchanges, can do wonders to diffuse a conflict. When that doesnt work, moving
into friendly distancing (i.e. taking time to cool off), then returning with friendly engagement
is a great plan B.
Why does this work? Complimentarity; the other persons instincts (unless they are very
dysfunctional in communication) will ultimately match your new, softened, warmed, and
friendly tone. If it doesnt work right away, you have to stay there like an immovable object,
remaining friendly and open, and refusing to be sucked back into a hostile conflict.
Finally, the reasons people choose certain moves are very complicated. Influences on the
move someone makes at any given time include their own perceptions of your moves (which
can be inaccurate), culture, power dynamics, emotion, personality, social role, personal
history, relationship history, communication skills, and situational factors.