Composition II - 58827

Xochiqueztal Candelaria

Dave Short
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What is Love Anyway?

The true definition of love is elusive. Websters Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary has
numerous definitions, some of which are:
(1): attraction based on sexual desire: affection and tenderness felt between lovers
(2): affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests (3): to hold
dear: CHERISH
The definitions go on and on. But what is love? In What We Talk About When We Talk Love,
Raymond Carver explores that very topic. This paper will show that what one thinks about love,
and how one actually shows love, are different. I will demonstrate this tendency through the
character of Mels account of his experiences with love, as he interacts with the rest of the
participants. Throughout the story there are several representations of love: ideal or true
love, abusive love, passionate love, new or romantic love, and sustained love.

We will

explore the definitions of these concepts further, as this paper progresses.

As the story begins, we find two couples having drinks around a kitchen table. Present
are Mel a cardiologist, Terri his second wife, Nick the narrator, and his second wife, Laura.
The discussion has come around to the topic of love. Mels opinion is that love is nothing less
than spiritual love.

This is his essential definition of what true love is.

As the story

progresses his actions are much different, as we shall see. Mel learned this definition during
his five-year stint at seminary. The theological aspect of love is that to know love, one must
love others as you would love yourself. This means, to devote yourself to serving others or
putting their needs before yours.

Therefore, rather than love being self-serving, it is

sustainable and true.

Mel stated that his years in seminary were the most valuable ones of his life. This
creates an interesting paradox. For most of his life, Mel has been searching for the meaning of
love. In seminary, Mel was given the definition of true love, but he chose, seemingly, to ignore
it. Mel then became a cardiologist, which is a doctor who studies the functions of the heart.
In contrast, seminary teaches about the functions of the soul or spiritual side of man.

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Moreover, gaining an understanding of the soul shows us how to view, and show love. Mel has
been seeking that kind of love, yet he eschews the spiritual side of love to study the heart, the
so-called seat of love. One might conclude that Mel did not get what he wanted from his
seminary time; hence, he moved on. Mel follows this pattern in all his relationships, as we
shall see. Mel, through his studies, at last, thinks he has a grasp on the tangible origins and
meaning of love.
Love for many is an expression of affection for another person.

Some types of

expression can become harmful. To illustrate what abusive love is, Terri describes her
relationship with Ed. Ed abused Terri so much that he tried to kill her. In accounts of abusive
relationships, the abused person comes to rely, or expect that kind of treatment, as love. Terri
came to accept abuse as normal, even when she knew it was not.

When Terri and Ed

separated, Ed tried and eventually succeeded in killing himself. Terri still maintained that Ed
loved her because of his actions. Everyone has different degrees in which we experience love.
Ed loved passionately, though, abusively. Abuse comes in many forms, physical, mental or
emotional, and verbal. In all forms, the abuser is seeking to gain power over the victim, to
control them.

Mel follows Eds abusive pattern by arguing with Terri, and belittling her

throughout the story. Mel is critical toward Terri and in one instance tells her to shut up. One
can suppose that the true nature of their relationship is characterized in these exchanges. It
appears Mel is trying to control Terri through his critical behavior, just as he controls every
aspect of his life.

At this point Nick interjects that what he thinks he hears in the

conversation, is that love is an absolute. In Mels mind, that statement is true. There is only
black and white, right and wrong, and nothing in between. Mels view of love is ideal or it is
bad; there is no room in his mind for the mediocre, the mundane. This idea causes him to
grow restless. It seems Mel has forgotten or lost the feeling of newness in his relationship, and
when things arent new, you begin to mistreat your partner.
In stark contrast to Mel and Terris relationship, the character of Laura and Nicks
relationship is the new or romantic variety. Each has found someone who they truly care

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about, and it shows in their actions and attitude toward each other. Laura stated that Nick
knows what love is, and as a demonstration, he kissed Lauras hand.

Nick and Laura

demonstrate how the new character of love is intense. However, over time love can fade and
even end. As Terri comments to Laura, Youre still gagahow long have you been together
nowa year? Wait awhile (Carver 213). One can deduce from Terris comments that love will
wane over time. Can one believe such a statement? Perhaps Terri is only using her past and
present relationships as the measure of what love is. Nick and Laura glow all over; indeed,
romance is still prevalent in their lives, as demonstrated throughout the story. Nick and Laura
hold hands, they kiss, they touch legs, etc. In contrast, Mel barely shows any physical signs of
love toward Terri. Physical contact is important to maintain a healthy relationship. Without
these simple gestures, one begins to question the depth of feeling they have with their partner.
Perhaps this is the case with Mel and his first wife. When the intimacy they shared became
lackluster, their feelings for each other ceased.
Mel makes a supposition that he must have loved his first wife, just as the others must
have loved their previous partners. He asks what happens to such love. With our limited
understanding of how Mel views love, we can deduce that his dissatisfaction at the changing
nature of love caused the love of his first wife to cease. This is yet another illustration of how
Mels vision and his experience of love diverge.
Mel, now more garrulous from his alcohol intake, proceeds with a monologue to draw a
conclusion of what love is. Mel says, Ill give you a good example [of what real love is]then
you can draw your own conclusions (Carver 213). He lays claim that we are all beginners at
love. Although both couples love their partners, their love is just physical love or carnal love.
The feelings they have are a mere impulse that compelled them to the other person, and not
only to their physical being, but his or her essence, as well.

Mel also comments about

sentimental love. He says that sentimental love is the day-to-day caring about the person.
One can suppose that sentimental love is not as important to Mel as it should be. The mundane

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aspects of love bore Mel, causing him to seek love elsewhere, just as he did when he left his
first wife.
Mel continues his monologue and makes a comment that, yet again, clouds this
discussion with confusion. He believes that if a spouse dies, the survivor will just move on to
love someone new. And, the love they shared will just be a memory, or maybe not. One can
infer from Mels statement, that love ceases when the partner is no longer around. Such a
belief, yet again, illustrates Mels jaded view of love. He simply does not live for a sustained
relationship.
Carver illustrates what a sustained love is through Mels account of an elderly couple
involved in a severe traffic accident. Mel performed surgery and their health improved. Mel
relates how the old man was very depressed because he could not see his wife through the
eyeholes of his cast. That just the thought of not being able to look at his wife was making the
old man depressed. Mel viewed that concept as inconceivable. He cannot and probably will
never be able to understand such love.

Such love is the spiritual love that Mel has been

seeking. Mel is unaware of what it really looks like; therefore, he does not recognize such a
demonstration. Mel has never grasped the difference of loving someone more than he loves
himself. Such a love requires one to live beyond oneself. When you love as the old couple
does, you cherish your partner. As evidenced in the story, Mel has never cherished anyone.
In the midst of his account of the old couple, Mel ventures off on a tangent. Though
seemingly unrelated to the discussion of love, it has a much deeper meaning, which compels
you to read more closely to discern its meaning. Mel states that he wishes he could come back
as a knight in armor. He would be safe in his armor, protected from the things that would hurt
him. He used the word vessels, seemingly, by mistake. Yet, one definition of vessel is a person
into whom some quality [as love] is infused. Terri uses the correct word for the context of
their discussion, vassals. Vassals, by definition, are servants. These definitions shed more light
on the greater meaning of this passage. One can deduce that this semantical error is, in fact, a
very clever and powerful metaphor of the underlying meaning of love. One can infer that the

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word vessel indicates each person. God infused each person with love, and, in turn, we infuse
others with our love. However, the definition of vassal is equally compelling. We are, and
must be, servants to each other. One might say, to love another means to serve their interests
before our own. Hence the phrase, I love them more than life itself. This very powerful
passage underpins the true nature of love, and is the hidden foundation of the story.
We can infer further meaning in the analogy of the knight. Mel wants protection from
both physical and emotional harm. The armor is his defense, his barrier against such harm.
Nick makes a most apropos statement stating that although the knights armor protected him,
he could suffocate or even die within it. Mel seeks to keep people out, to protect himself. Mel
puts up a faade, hiding his love, just like when in surgery, he hides behind a mask and gown.
Another analogy used in the story is that of the restaurant. It looks good from the outside but
who knows what it is like inside. One has to enter the door to know what truly lies within.
Like that restaurant, Mel has love within him, but it lies within, hidden from sight. Mel is
precise and careful in his movements; he likes to be in control. Unfortunately, love is not a
topic you can have complete control over. Consequently, Mel is leading a difficult life, a life
fraught with confusion and heartache.
Mels concept of love as spiritual is valid. However, his brusque treatment of Terri
clearly displays that Mel will never meet his expectations of his view of pure love. Mel
unconsciously keeps his distance, thus dooming him to repeat history. Mels experiences with
love have jaded his perspective causing him to lose the appreciation of what he has. Mels love
for Terri, jaded though it may be, is present. If Mel would open his eyes, he would see that he
could have exactly what he has been seeking.

That is not to say that Nick and Lauras

relationship is the ideal either. Their love is new and nave. While obviously still infatuated
with each other, their love too, could fade. The beginning of a love affair is the most exciting
time. The blossom is still in bloom and at its most fragrant. Like a flower, a relationship too,
needs proper tending if the blossom is to renew itself year after year. The illustration of the
old couples relationship shows us that.

The old man cared for his wife so much that it

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saddened him to be unable to gaze affectionately at her. That is love, true, lasting, sustained
love.

One can speculate that the old couple had problems; no relationship is free of

arguments. One can further suppose that the couple worked things out and strengthened their
love in the process. It is, after all, how you deal with the hardships in a relationship that make
or break it. One can easily see that Mel is not willing to make that type of a commitment.
Mels vision and understanding of love dims throughout the story. To illustrate this Carver uses
sunlight to illustrate the decline of comprehension, and their state of intoxication. At first, the
sunlight was bright in the room, just as their grasp of the topic seemed bright. However, as the
story progresses, and the more confused they become, the sunlight dims and, finally, it goes
dark. In the end, Carver leaves the reader to come to his own conclusions, just as Mel does in
the story. After all, what is love? How do you define it? Perhaps we shall never know the true
answer to the question, but the pursuit is most definitely intriguing.

Works Cited:
Carver, Raymond., What We Talk About When We Talk About Love. The Story and Its Writer.
Ed. Ann Charters. Boston: New Bedford of St. Martins Press, 1991.