Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
ISSUE No. 4
OCTOBER 16, 2015
Editors
Ramzi Haddad 16
Tripp Miller 16
George Ahlering 16
Layout Editor
Ian McClellan 16
Faculty Moderator
Mr. Woodcock
Contact:
theprioryrecord@gmail.com
314-434-3690 ext. 221
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publish content considered
legally-unprotected speech,
including but not limited to:
libel, copyright infringement,
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Student editors apply professional standards to the
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implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated.
Feedback not intended for
publication is also welcome.
HOMECOMING
Homecoming
By Matt Braddock 16
Staff Writer & Social Savant
Homecoming is tomorrow, and
if you dont have a date yet, I
would talk to Connor Wright. He
probably has a social connection
to any girl, from 7th grader to
juniors in college, meaning the
options are far and wide. Some
of us planned ahead and texted
our dates an invitation. Connor
Wright made a mural of his dates
grandpa. Texting is acceptable,
too. Ive never asked a girl to
a dance outside the friendly
confines of my own telephone. I
think one time I called a girl. It
was weird. Im never going to do
it again.
Hey.
Hey!
So homecoming?
What?
Oh never mind
Wait Matt what?
Its not meant to
be.
OK.
OK. Bye
Bye
I actually didnt take that girl
to homecoming. I havent ever
talked to her again. I dont want
to. She probably feels the same
way about me. As they say, que
sera sera. (That was a good
reference).
So youve texted your
date. Congrats. Wheres the preparty? A house? A country club?
Brio? Dont have your pre-party
at Brio. Theres no good place to
take pictures and theyll charge
you a 85% gratuity if your party
is over 5 people. Pre-parties are
actually the worst thing. This
leads into some good points to
touch on.
Homecoming can be
divided into three parts: pre-
HOMECOMING
party, dance, and afterparty.
The dance and afterparty are
fairly straightforward. You can
be as awkward or as suave as
you please. Patrick Charles,
God bless his soul, can dance. I
cannot. Theres no way for me to
look better than him at the actual
dance. My genetics dont allow
it. The same goes for afterparties.
You can have a knack for social
situations and be really good at
pool and ping pong, or you can
stand awkwardly in the corner
and pray for your mom to come
pick you up ASAP.
You can only change your preparty awkwardness levels by
your actions. Something about
the event disregards all genetic
predestination for awkwardness
in your soul and allows you to
attempt seem normal for an
hour. You can be the guy with the
perfect corsage that matches her
shoes or the guy that spills his
spaghetti on her dress. That one
is up to you guys. On that note,
welcome to my second social
instruction manual of the year,
How to not be the worst date ever
(at the pre-party. Because nothing
else is controllable. Except
the pre-party. The pre-party is
controllable.).
1. Buying a corsage is tough. Let
your mom do it. Moving on.
2. Guys need to pay for the meal.
Its simply the polite thing to do.
That being said, make sure you
have enough money, and more
importantly, ALWAYS order
second to your date. I was at
Cardwells with $50 and got a
$32 dollar steak because my date
said she was only going to get a
$13 salad. I comfortably handed
the waiter my menu and watched
my date order some shrimp dish.
The dish was $28 and I was $10
in the red, so I made her change
her order. It was awkward. Dont
make these mistakes guys. Also,
HOMECOMING
Homecoming
continued.
5. OK, so youve talked to your
dates mom and dad, taken
some pictures, and had a nice
meal. Heres a transition from
HC part I to part II: the drive.
This is broken up into two
subsections for non-drivers
and drivers. Starting with the
freshmen and sophomores who
cant drive, heres my advice:
figure out way before the dance
what friends parent will drive
you. You dont want your own
parent driving you. If your
parent requires that he or she
is the chauffeur, find a friend
and his date so more people
haven't been
awoken
to
the dangers
of shampoo
and embraced the NoPoo
life, that is), and you're
brimming with anticipation
for the night to come. Your
hands tremble as you clumsily
crush the flower's cute little
box, but your confidence is
able to override the general
distaste Priory guys have for
dances. This is the mark of
a man who has mastered the
uncomfortable Homecoming
conversation. Your date will
swoon when you open your
braces-filled mouth to sound
out, in a sweet, decedent
baritone,
those
immortal
syllables: "Hey! So you're the
girl I DM-ed on Instagram."
Look, talking to girls was
never your strong suite, and
tonight isn't going to be some
great departure from all those
late night "pls respond" texts
you sent in middle school.
Its not about learning how to
HOMECOMING
5
5 Ways to Impress
Your Date
By George Ahlering 16
Editoroof Ways to Impre
1. Flowers
You have to buy sick flowers.
Now, I know you actually
dont buy them, but you need
take the credit for them. Tell
your mom what her dress color
is and shell take care of the
rest. This is honestly crucial
to impressing your date and
making it a great night. Ever
heard of happy wife, happy
life? Yeah, well my motto
for Homecoming is happy
date, youll be late (because
your getting a goodnight hug)
aka your date is happy and
therefore you are happy. The
last thing you want is a grumpy
date, no one wants a grumpy
date and it all hinges on your
ability to kill the flower game.
2. Killer Playlist
Now, honestly, Im not a music
guy. Apparently, my music
choices are that of a 12-yearold girl (-Tripp Miller). This
is why you, again, take credit
for someone elses work.
Download Spotify, pay the $5
fee, and follow one of your
musically-inclined
friends
BONFIRE
By Ramzi Haddad 16
Editor & Licensed Pyro-Technician
The Bonfire is coming
up tonight and it will be the
social event of the summer (not
even joking around). There
will be live music, fun tailgate
games, snacks, and of course, a
big hulking fire.
This years fire tells
a special tail. Have you ever
heard the saying, If a tree
falls in an empty forest and no
one can hear it hit the ground,
did it actually make a noise?
This years bonfire solves this
ATHLETICS
The JV also ran strong:
Anthony OSullivan was 8th
(out of 60) in 18:47, Joseph
With the Metro League
and District Championships
ahead, Priory XC continues to
work hard, run fast, and finish
strong!
Ftbol Update
By Mark Ciapciak 17 &
Chris Holland 16
Ftbol Aficionados
GET HYPED! The
Rebels have a fantastic
opportunity to take down
their perennial rival, John
Burroughs,
this
coming
Tuesday. The last time the
Rebels squared off against the
Bombers, Priory students were
still wiping the dust off their
calculators and adjusting to
waking up five hours earlier
than usual.
It was a day to
forget. To the Rebels dismay,
Burroughs took an early 1-0
lead and finished the game
with a 2-0 victory. Perhaps