grundian

Glasgow University

1st April 2010 www.yahoo.co.uk

My balls are on fire Just fucked

After two scorching semi-final victories, Grundian hates Tim Burton’s
GUBC set to make their bums touch flags take on Lewis Carroll’s classic

‘Piss and
Sport Film

shit’ cause
HRC
shutdown
Sarah ‘Spare Me’ Smith
Exclusive
I, I MEAN, GRUNDIAN
has obtained samples detailing
the extent of the Hetherington
Research Club’s (HRC) prob-
lems in the months before it
was forced to cease trading
in February.
The samples, taken from
the Heatherington toilets on
January 25, 2010, indicate
that the Club had been in
deep shit for months before
any affirmative flushing
action was taken.
At the meeting it was
reported that there were
“systematic failures in Club’s
plumbing”, with the Club’s
manager, Fiona Dalrymple,
attributing the financial
deficit to “significant costs
incurred due to the Committee
of Management (CoM) not
having time to clean up after
itself”.
The samples also show that
the CoM knew that the club
was operating illegally due to
its “VAT issues”; chiefly that
the Heatherington’s vat had
reached maximum capacity
and had been leaking shit and
piss since 2008.
David Newall, Secretary
of Court, distanced himself
from the mess saying: “It
wasn’t me.”
However super secret
documents cleverly uncov- Ruby Wight
ered by me, ahem, Grundian Maximum Jameswell talks to Tariq Ramadan about serious stuff like his new book >> p.8-9
(continued on page 3)

Highest turnout for SRC elections EVER

THE STUDENTS’ REPRESENTATIVE
council (SRC) elections attracted its highest turnout
in history, after more than ten students cast their
votes online.
The elections dramatically brought to light the
existence of the SRC, a body previously unheard
of before March 3.
The record for the most voters named Tommy
Gore was also blown away after no fewer than
eight Tommy Gores pledged their support for their
presidential namesake.
Banana Murray & ‘Spare Me’ Smith
Gore extended his thanks to his like-named
supporters and was swift to promise sweeping
platitudes across the board saying: “As stated in
my manifesto, I will endeavor to create a dynamic
learning environment for the student community,
exploring the use of space in what could be termed
as the real world.
“I want to establish an equality outreach program
engaging with real issues and promoting diversity,
opportunity and environmental stuff. I’ve got it all
worked out me, I’m going to sit tight with my 15
grand and, like every great SRC president before
me, be so inoffensive you won’t know I’m here.”
Criticisms surrounding newly elected Vice
President, Tuula Ericksson’s campaign slogan:
“Don’t worry, the election’s actually next week”
were quickly forgotten and allegations of corrup-
tion were vehemently denied by the Executive
board who said: “That’s what the socialists always
say, they’re just bitter, now give me my salary.”
2 NEWS glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk 1st April 2010

Fury as homeopathic archbishop

is awarded honorary degree
Craick MacRaickan
THE UNIVERSITY’S
decision to award Mario
Conti, Archbishop of
Glasgow, an honorary degree
has been widely “slammed”.
Pedants and medics joined
the Student’s Representative
Council in protest against the
controversial bishop’s quasi-
qualification.
Conti has attracted criti-
cism in the past for his
outspoken views on home-
opathy and other alternative
medicine. He famously once
claimed that tiger balm was
an effective way of dealing
with acne.
SRC President Laura Laws
was said to be “incensed” by
the move.
She said: “It is clear that the
powers that be are pursuing a
completely warped agenda.
“I like the occasional bath
as much as the next racist
bigot, but when I heard that
Conti had recommended
bathing with scented candles
I was physically sick.”
Laws’ views are shared
by many in the academic
community.
Dr Wully Who, head of
medical research at Glasgow
University, was quick to
express his discontent.
“In today’s day and age it
is completely unacceptable
to be so openly in favor of
homeopathy.
“There is absolutely no
scientific basis for the bene-
fits of these herbal remedies.
“The same can be said for
this Jesus character that Conti
claims to be archbishop of.
“I think there is a strong
case to say that Conti is some
kind of witch.”
There have been reports
of a growing demand in the
academic community to have
Conti tried by ducking. A
Grundian survey of at least
40 students confirmed that
73.8% of undergraduates
supported this proposition.
Laws continued to carve
chunks from the old man’s
reputation saying: “This
is a sad day for Glasgow
University, and a sad day for
clear thought and learning.
“The SRC urges all
students to be vigilant against
Conti’s malicious propagation
of aromatherapy, acupuncture
and ear candles.”
Sean Connery, the once
proud owner of an honorary
degree, joined the debate.
“There was a time when an
honorary degree meant some-
thing, I can’t remember when,
but this makes a mockery of
the whole system.”
Not everyone on campus
was so opposed to the
Archbishop’s award, Ricardo
Bidet, a spokesperson for
Glasgow University’s LGBT
association rushed to Conti’s
defense.
“The GULGBTs welcome
Conti’s honorary degree
gladly. Homeopathy is just
one fine example of the
diverse range of complemen-
tary treatments available to
sufferers of minor ailments.”
he said,
“People just need to
chillax, run a bath, get some
smellies and some massage
oil and let the tension out.
Bidet also suggested that
public hostility towards
alternative medicine was the
result of deep-rooted social
ignorance.
“I think too many people
are embarrassed to go down
to their local homeopathist
and ask for some gingko for
their bunions.
“Archbishop Conti is an
empowering example of what
can be achieved through
homeopathy.”
Archbishop Conti’s unorth-
odox methods came to define
his career even as a young
man, when he was known
to put a spoon in his mouth
when chopping onions.
Grundian was unable to
contact the Archbishop for
comment, as he was engaged
in a long distance Reiki
healing session.

Swot freshers damaging local community

Nick Sikonya
RAISED ENTRY REQUIREMENTS
to Glasgow University are having a
catastrophic effect on the surrounding
neighbourhood analysts warn.
The class of freshers admitted in
2009, although of a higher academic
standard than previous years, have
caused a slump in local business and
community spirit.
Local marijuana retailer Green
Steve told Grundian: “Its pure wank
this year. My sales revenue is down
30% because these bookworms have
brought the demand right down.
“It’s getting serious, at this rate
I’m going to have to get a real job.”
Rebecca Hanover, a regular Queen
Margaret Union Freshers Helper, also
lamented the cooling of the party
atmosphere, claiming the trend set a
Jani Helle worrying precedent for future years.
“It’s just no fun anymore, showing
this lot round Glasgow’s pubs was
about as exciting as finding a carrot
in your parsnip soup.” she said,
“I’d rather throw stones at a dead
cow than hang around with these
fucking vampires. I dread to think
what next year’s freshers week will
be like.”
A Guardian survey of freshers
found their IQ to be significantly
higher than that of older students.
However major difficulties were
encountered in finding interviewees
willing to leave the library. Those that
did participate were overwhelmingly
punctual, neatly turned out and well
mannered.
In light of this trend, developers
have expressed an interest in building
a trouser press shop on Gibson Street
and a croquet lawn outside the Fraser
Building.
1st April 2010
Heatherington collapses (not literally)
(continued from front page)
reveal that this statement was
made on the advice of R&B star
Shaggy, whose evidence has in the
past been proved to be inconsistent
with the facts.
Major deficiencies in the club’s
accounting have also led to the
misplacement of £50,000 pounds.
Strathclyde police have confirmed
“There was [vomit and excrement
in the toilets for days after] a major
event.”
that they have “a hunch, just a hunch”,
and released a description of a two bit
punk they suspect may have “fingered
the dough”. A former HRC employee
is also under investigation.
A statement released on behalf of
former HRC staff told Grundian: “Its
not that easy trying to keep years of
accounting in your head, and with
hindsight we probably should have
written a few things down.
“The individual under scrutiny
actually went to the police of their
own accord and asked to be investi-
gated, because that’s normal behavior
for innocent people isn’t it?
“To be honest there were so many
people with their fingers in the till it
is difficult to see how the fuzz are
going to pin it on anyone hahaha!”
With regard to the reopening of
the club, Newall was unwilling to
make any concrete commitments.
“Seeing as the club is incred-
ibly popular, and doesn’t pay rent or
council tax it is hard to see how they
are going to come up with a viable
business plan.” he said. Eastern conflicts
Glasgow to phase in robo-lecturers
John Connor
GROUND BREAKING NEW
research at Glasgow University is
paving the way for the next genera-
tion of academic mentors.
Miniaturised robotic lecturers are
to completely replace their inferior
human counterparts within the next
year, and it is widely hoped that the
human element will be phased out of
the university system within five to
ten years.
Matthew Gregatron, a leading
researcher in the department of elec-
tronics, explained the merits of the
new teaching droids:
“Puny humans always whining
about pay and working conditions.
They cannot survive in a beaurocracy
as complex as a university.
“My robots are perfect. They will
compute three solar systems worth
of paperwork in microsecond. Their
inbuilt armoury has the capability to
glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk NEWS 3
IN BRIEF
GUSA ‘elections’
marred by gang
violence
Allegations of intimidation and
extortion surrounded the GUSA
elections this year.
Only Alex Cronin, a stalwart
champion of liberty, had the nerve to
stand up to the Hockey Stick Mafia.
The gang’s political influence has
shaped not only the outcome of
many a GUSA election, but also the
faces of its opponents.
With the exception of the presi-
dency, the entire executive commitee
were elected without competition.
A spokesperson for the Mafia
told Guardian: “Yes I got a licence
for this stick, this is a legitimate
outfit we’re running here, we don’t
want no trouble, we just want the
election to run nice and easy, and
for the best canditate to come home
clean. Now scram before you have
a nasty accident.”
Once the vote had been counted,
it was Leo Howes who claimed the
title of President. At the time of
going to press, Grundian received
an anonymous phone call implying
that Cronin was about to acci-
dentally chop his own head off
while shaving, though has yet to be
officially confirmed.
Student activists
resolve Middle
Jim Wilson
MILITANT FACTIONS, RIVAL
armies and western forces across
the Middle East downed weapons
yesterday after student activists
vaporise all requests for extensions, in Glasgow made a major break-
excused absences and any other through in the peace process.
enquiries without emotion.” James Foley of the Stop the War
Plans are also in place to intro- Coalition (SWC) told Grundian:
duce a new university wide operating “We started with a march along
system known as Skynet. The self- University Avenue, then continued
aware silicone brain will work in to our usual discussion meeting.
conjunction with Websurf and will Someone, I can’t remember who,
regulate everything from the library made a particularly good point
lifts to student loan allocations. and there was a general feeling of
Anton Muscattelli, principal of “That’s it, that’s the answer!” So we
Glasgow University, welcomed the e-mailed our friends in Palestine,
new technology saying: “At last, the Afghanistan and Iraq and told them
solution to all my problems, now I to pass it on. Everything else just
can shut down that pesky humanities fell into place from then on.”
department and no one can stop me. Foily admitted that the SWC
“In [five to ten] years I shall rule were quite surprised by the over-
the whole of the West End with my whealmingly positive global reac-
personal army of killer droids.” tion, but assured Grundian that they
Some sceptics have raised would not let it go to their heads.
concerns over the ethics of a roboti- Nelson Mandella sent his
cally controlled educational commu- congratulations on a post card, and
nity. However Muscattelli assured there are rumours of Blue Peter
Grundian that these dissidents had badges for all those involved.
been processed and rehabilitated.
Who are you? Who are you?
4 FEATURES
Caligula McFictional talks in Latin to the most boring man in politics about, you guessed it, the bloody environment.
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glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk
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1st April 2010
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 Like, so alternative | My Oscar nightmare | Funkfurters | Bums and flags

grundian
Glasgow University

01/04/10

inSIGHTFUL
Gabriella DiTano
 inSIGHTFUL
01/04/10

life
The new sausage review
G
lasgow has been awarded a number of
esteemed titles in recent years, City of
Science, City of Style and most recently
City of Sausages. The impact of such
accolades can be felt throughout the city and
it’s fair to say that the Glasgow sausage
scene has never been more energised
and diverse. On every street corner new
sausage bistros are opening for busi-
ness, and at home people are inventing
exciting new sausages for themselves.
I decided to take a walk down Buchanan
street, now widely known as the Sausage
Mile, and sample some of the many bangers
on offer. Starting small I bought a Clydeside
Chipolata, a pretty little sausage full of character
but with a tendency to get stuck in your throat.
It’s definitely worth a try, though not worth saving sausages. This monster is only available from
for that special occasion. For that I would recom- Monty’s Meat Fingers, which stands where
mend the Buchanan Street Bratwurst, heralded Urbane Outfitters used to be. The whole experi-
as the mother ence left me breathless and wanting more.
of all Continuing on my journey, I found myself
being ushered into a shady back alley and offered
one of those funkfurters your mother warns you
about. The next thing I knew I was swinging from
the Foucault Pendulum in the Princess Arcade,
and until the police came I was actually in control
of the Earth’s rotation. Considering the circum-
stances I was quite responsible with the power I
briefly held, though I did stop the Earth just for a
fraction of a second just so that I could see every-
thing start to float away. That was a bit naughty.
A word of warning, once the sausage wore off
I felt absolutely awful. Not for the faint hearted.

Tales from bohemia

A tale of one fucking incredible city, Louise Chapton-Mallet uncovers a world of culture right under our noses

M
y first thoughts when I
woke up this morning
were “Oh my flipping stu-
dent hangover” and then
“Oh the flipping credit crunch”! Just
the usual crapola one must over-
come as an everyday student in
Glasgow. If I could describe Glasgow
as a recipe it would be a huge plate
of chips with vine-ripened tomatoes
hidden away in the corners.
I have come to intimately know
and love this peculiar dish during my
lengthy sojourn north of the border,
and will share with you some of the
lesser-known haunts of this rough
and ready, yet vibrant little city.
Fopp, Byres Road
A musical and cultural boutique,
like a down at heel HMV. The shop’s
logo, probably the work of some lo-
cal graffiti artist, is a subtle indicator
of what is on offer inside. Expect to
find books piled up on the ground,
gig posters plastered over gig post-
ers and great deals on reggae com-
pilations and classic Glasgow bands
such as Belle & Sebastian and Glas-
vegas. It’s the kind of dive where you
can taste the distinctive flavour of
the underground scene.
Hillhead Library, Byres Road
WTF? I hear you say. Yes, perhaps
not an obvious choice for a student
such as myself, but this place is as
cool as ice-cold beer and just a few
doors down from the Fopp. There is
wonderful sense of community be-
hind these doors. If you want to get
really involved ask about their “plas-
tic library cards” and “talking books“.
Salvation Army, Dumbarton
Road
Sometimes I like to just go to the
Salvo and people watch. You get such
a mix! Students shopping on a bud-
get, DJs in search of that unique 80s
disco hit, and a good few job seekers
making the most of their hand outs
I’ll bet! On the whole I don’t actually
buy much from there, it’s really just a
low quality jumble sale. Banter.
Ashton Lane
You need only sprain your ankle
on the cobbled street to see that
Ashton Lane is steeped in the medi-
eval, Tudor, Roman, Irish history that
constitutes the fabric of Glaswegian
street culture. You could easily miss
it, tucked away behind Hillhead sta-
tion, but at night this picturesque
cul de sac turns into a bustling club
hub.
The many bars on offer cater for
real weegies from every walk of life.
Mingle with middle-aged profes-
sionals in the Ubiquitous Chip, rub
shoulders with Irish immigrants in
Jinty McGinty’s, or shoot the breeze are united by “the Lane” (Ashton and my experience from the streets
with seasoned winos in Brel. Walk- Lane). I do not feel my misspent youth will
ing home after a heavy one in any of be wasted.
the above, I usually stop to appreci- In spite of its unsavory reputation, Will I stay in Glasgow after I grad-
ate the lowly busker (oft forgotten, Glasgow has so much to offer, cul- uate? Of course not. But is this a
never unheard). I look down at him, turally and socially. Drawing my in- great city to study and discover cool
he looks up at me, and though we spiration from the great adventurers new places on the regular? Damn
are from very different worlds, we (Kerouac, Thompson, Salinger et al) straight it is.
 inSIGHTFUL

3
film

PA G E
A bit much really
Alice in Wonderland I can’t even remember what happened I just
sat there and spent a penny for an hour and a
Dir: Tim Burton half. It was horrible, there were talking animals,

“
On general release now giant catapillars and even the normal people
looked strange and misshapen. I’m fairly sure
>> Dom de Domdomdom
One of my earliest childhood memories is of
being read Lewis Carol’s Alice in Wonderland and

not liking it. Now I do realise that the whole idea
of a ‘wonderland’ is that it should be a land of
wonder, but even as a child I remember thinking
Caroll had really taken it too far. Supplement
my imagination for Tim Burton’s and the result
almost tipped me over the edge.
I had originally put my faith in the impressively
British cast, hoping that the talents of Carter, Fry,
Windsor, Lucas and Rickman would ensure a
more down to earth interpretation of Alice. How
wrong I was. I should have known to watch out
for that Johnny Depp. Everything he touches
seems to turn into some kind of self-indulgent
freakshow and this was no exception.
”
Even as a child I remember thinking
Caroll had taken it too far.
that there were a number of drug references
thrown in, and I thought this was supposed to be
a childrens’ film.
People celebrate the fact that modern special
effects have made anything and everything
possible in cinema. Not I. As far as I can see the
only effect CGI has had is to pervert the imagina-
tions of the good, honest, tax paying, cinema-
going public for the profit of a few bad eggs.

The real Oscar winner

In part two of our Oscars coverage, Tom ‘Oh So’ Bonnick reveals that real winner is in fact himself

I
wasn’t a bit surprised that my gentle and
witty criticisms of the Oscar Academy Awards
prompted such a plethora of reactionary letters
from across campus. It’s really too much to
expect these swathes of cinematic philistines to
comprehend most of what I write; but like many
a misunderstood artiste before me, I will struggle
on regardless, without want of praise or recogni-
tion.
My primary motive for a follow up article
on the awards is to ensure that I, Tom ‘Oh So’
Bonnick, have the last word on the subject, and
not those imbecilic letter writing pedants who

“
think they know better than me. In answer to all
those pissy ‘does he think he’s bigger than the

”
Ok ok I admit, I’m not Oscar wild,
though I wish I was.

Academy?’ letters I want to say: no not bigger or

cleverer, but I should point out that I got those
Oscar predictions bang on the nose, so stick that
in your amateur-feature-length-pipe-dream and
smoke it. From where I was sitting, up high in my
ivory library, it was too obvious Avatar was going
to win Best Picture, no matter how hard I tried
to slate it, so thank you Academy for proving me
right, if for nothing else.
Ok ok I admit, I’m not Oscar wild, though I wish
I was. I actually find the Oscars so soul sappingly
dull. Who really wants to watch a room full of
the richest most glamorous personalities in the
world sit around opening envelopes, reading out
names, and wanking each other off for hours on
end? Not I. Who’s actually going to appreciate a
film more because the director has a grotesquely
prestigious chunk of bling sitting on their mantle
piece. Not I, if anything I will like it less.
I’m a balanced man, I read the Guardian, eat
less meat and turn the light off when I leave the
room. You could hardly accuse me of harbouring
grudges. HOWEVER, if anything has tainted my
opinion of the Oscars, it is the gross indiffer-
ence, nay prejudice with which the Academy
has treated what is indisputably the film of the
decade. I refer, my dear readers, to Alvin and the
Chipmunks, the Squeakquel. I’ve been trying not
to take this too personally but such an omission
is beyond belief.
The real question is, when did the members of
the Academy last make their bums touch flags?
 grundian
Glasgow University

As well as the position of editor-in-chief, we are also looking for individual section editors, minions,
underlings and maggots. To apply, send in a wild Nepalese Mountain Orchid, a lock of Anton
Muscatelli’s hair, a completed copy of that day’s Times cryptic crossword, an example of an epic
tragedy you have written and some milky beans. Then e-mail your CV and a covering letter to
glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk. then recite the secret incantation and make your bum touch a flag.
Deadline for applications is March 30.
Me and me new book
1st April 2010 glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk FEATURES 5

A fine romance, with no kisses, Maximum Jameswell continues on his quest for true love

T arique Ramadan, a man shrouded in mystery

and contradiction; to his fans, a likely bit of
academic crumpet, to the haters, a volatile
Islamic terrorist with a terrible taste in shirts.
I found myself irresistibly drawn to this enig-
matic character, and after following him across
town on the number 28, then hovering in the back-
ground whilst he perused Boots, I found a window
of opportunity in which to pick his brains.
He turns to me majestically; “Is he checking
me out” I wonder excitedly. In his smart dark
suit — and in the increasing heat of a Boots on a
sun-drenched spring evening — Ramadan exhibits
the kind of casual glamour one might expect of
“For those brief few moments it feels like we
are the only people in the whole of the St
Enoch center.”
a modern, cosmopolitan academic. He is also
conspicuously sleek and good-looking, with high-
arched cheekbones and intense light-brown eyes.
I’m ushered over. Impressively — even placidly
— composed, he greets me and introduces himself.
This unshakable poise, I soon realise, is a defini-
tive feature of his character.
“A few questions for the Grundian?” he muses,
“Hmm, prestigious. Let me pay for this lotion then
I’m all yours.” I catch my breath, I can hardly
contain myself. He pays for his lotion with unshak-
moments it feels like we are the only people in the
whole of the St Enoch center.
I ask about his new book, ‘What I Believe’,
words start to flow straight from the horse’s beau-
tiful, perfectly formed mouth.
“Its quite simple really, I’m a Muslim, and that
is pretty much the gist of the whole book. You
would probably do better to read the Koran than
my book. But let me tell you about my other new
book, the latest Harry Potter. I can’t believe it has
taken me so long to get round to reading it.”
Fascinated I press him further, his critical
appraisal of Rowling is unparalleled.
“The transition from boy to man, and back
again; the heart wrenching truth of love won and
lost; I admire Rowling for her courage not to shy
away from examining issues of gender, flying cars,
and private education.”
As he places her epic series in the context of
a literary tradition spanning thousands of years,
I realise this is a man who really understands the
larger picture. But what of the films?
“Well I think that a lot of the subtleties of the
book are lost in translation, but my kids love them
of course.”
Kids? Kids? Suddenly I feel like Tarique has cut
out a piece of my heart and thrown it into a burning
hot pot of salsa. We part ways, I feel mislead, used,
dirty. I get home, have three baths and cry myself
to sleep. No amount of Ramadan’s lotion will

Nice work if you can get it

able poise, then we are alone. For those brief few soothe this aching heart of mine.

“What, no tartare sauce?” Louise Chapton-Mallet discovers herself with Student Volunteers Abroad

A fter three years of

studying geography I
have become increas-
ingly aware that we live in a
very wide world. A world full
of people who need help, our
help, my help.
Some people just get
the urge to travel, and help
people on the way, like Jesus,
like me. I first felt this deep
desire when my older brother
came back from his gap year
with a bag of wooden beads,
given to him by poor children
in Ghana.
Although you can buy
better beads in Britain, he
was so touched by the senti-
ment, and he talked about
it so much. After that I was
done with living off my pearl
necklace, I wanted to find my
bag of wooden beads, to taste
that milk of human kindness.
So I signed up to Student
Volunteers Abroad.
Leafing through the pack-
ages on offer, it wasn’t long
before I found a trip that
reached out and touched me.
I decided then and there to go
and teach English to the chil-
dren of ex–pats in Bermuda.
It didn’t matter to me how
tough the job was, physi-
cally, emotionally, it was just
something I had to do.
It was lucky my friends
and family saw the impor-
tance of my calling, which
certainly was not free. With
the help of some moral-
istic fundraising I collected
enough for my crusade. At
this stage I should make quite
clear that SVA is no holiday,
it is a busman’s holiday, and
don’t let anybody tell you I immersed myself in the didn’t seem to matter. And During my visit I had too
otherwise. local culture and I embraced the children! Oh the tricks many amazing experiences to
With provisions made, the simple life whole heart- they would play on me! Once fit in this small space, (though
jabs taken, and a smattering edly. I tried to pick up the they ganged up, buried me you can read them on my
of literature under my belt, I local language but it was so on the beach and emptied a travel blog). And although I
was off, like modern day Jack foreign that I barely managed pot of fire ants onto my head never actually got my bag of
Kerouac. “yes” “no” and “sorry I’m whilst the tide came in. Silly beads, when I remember their
Upon my arrival in English”. But the people rascals, they weren’t to know smiles as I left that remote
Bermuda I immediately threw were so friendly, and so though. I had a good laugh island, I realise that meta-
myself into the task at hand, gratefull for my help that it with the parents after that. phorically, I did.
6 LETTERS
To the Editors…
Picture Purrr-fect!
Dear Grundian,
I thought your readers might be
interested to see this picture of Mr
Snuggle, my best friend, and cat.
He likes tuna and parsley and
spends most of the day sitting on
my kitchen table, watching me sit
in my comfy chair. He’s so funny!
Sometimes I even think he can talk.
I know it’s not the first time I've
sent this picture in, but this month it
is his birthday and he’d love to see
his photo his favourite newspaper.
Bob Hay
PLLLLEEEAASSSSEEE
REEEAAADDD! IT WAS ON
GOODMORNING AMERICA
TODAY!
Dear Friends:
Please do not take this for a junk
letter. Bill Gates sharing his fortune.
If you ignore this, You will repent
later Microsoft and AOL are now
the largest Internet companies and in
an effort to make sure that Internet
Explorer remains the most widely
used program, Microsoft and AOL
are running an e-mail beta test.
When you forward this e-mail to
friends, Microsoft can and will track
it (If you are a Microsoft Windows
user) For a two weeks time period.
For every person that you forward
this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you
$245.00 For every person that you
sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoft
will pay you $243.00 and for every
third person that receives it, You will
be paid $241.00. Within two weeks,
Microsoft will contact you for your
address and then send you a check..
Regards. Charles S Bailey Genera l
Manager Field Operation Ext.. 1085
or 904-1085 or RNX 292-1085.
Thought this was a scam myself,
1st April 2010
glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk
Glasgow University
15th March 2010 www.glasgowguardian.co.uk
Slim Jimson
Great balls of fire All mad here
After two semi-final victories, GUBC looks Guardian reviews Tim Burton’s
Oh god, what am I going to write?
Shit, come on ideas. I need to make
set to bring home the silverware this month take on Lewis Carroll’s classic
Sport Film
the SRC sound interesting and rele-
‘Systematic vant, and completely inoffensive.
failures’
FFFFOOOORRRRFFFFUUUC
CCCKKKKSSSSAAAAKKKKEE.
cause HRC I didn’t become Vice President
(Media and Communications) for
shutdown
this... Ummm. Damn. Nope.
What?...Was there?...When?...
Record number eh?....Who won?...
Sarah Smith
that the club was operating illegally
due to its “VAT issues and debtors”. Does that mean someone’s taking
over my job?...Luke Winter? Aw
Exclusive
After being made aware of the
GUARDIAN HAS OBTAINED HRC’s financial situation, David
thank fuck for that, I was just about
minutes detailing the extent of the Newall, Secretary of Court, commis-
Hetherington Research Club’s (HRC) sioned a review by the auditing
to top myself.
problems in the months before it was firm, Deloitte.
forced to cease trading in February. The HRC’s debts were so high
Ok so, apparently there was an
The minutes, from a meeting that some of its suppliers refused to
of the Committee of Management continue deliveries, leaving the Club
SRC election last week with its
(CoM) on January 25, 2010, indicate without toilet paper, food and drink,
that the Club had been in trouble for and gas for the beer pumps.
highest turn out ever. Though I don’t
months before any action was taken. The minutes show that the CoM
At the meeting it was reported was planning to use £10,000 of
that there were “systematic failures in the Club’s annual grant from the
Club management”, with the Club’s
manager, Fiona Dalrymple, attrib-
University — which last year totalled
£45,000 — to pay its suppliers as remember ever being elected myself,
uting the financial deficit to “signifi-
cant costs incurred due to the [CoM]
well as its outstanding tax.
The HRC was suffering from I just woke up one day with a head-
not having time to run the club”.
The document also shows that the
more than financial problems in
recent months.
Ruby Wight
ache and a little name tag saying
‘Slim Jimson VP Comms’. Perhaps
James Maxwell talks to Tariq Ramadan about European radicalism and his new book >> p.8-9
CoM knew by the date of the meeting (continued on page 3)
Highest turnout in five years for SRC elections this is the first election they’ve had,
what a good idea.
At least ten people voted, which
THE STUDENTS’ REPRESENTATIVE COUNCIL (SRC) £15,292 annually, but Sutherland will receive only £10,254.40
Anna Murray & Sarah Smith
elections attracted its highest turnout in five years, after more before tax, based on the minimum wage for the contracted 34
legitimises the whole process I
than 2000 students cast their votes online. Tuula Eriksson was elected Vice President (Learning and hours per week over one year.
The elections on March 3 and 4 saw seventeen students Development), with 718 votes in the final round and the position After his election, Sutherland confirmed to Guardian that he
vying for the four positions on the SRC Executive and eighteen of VP (Media and Communications) was won by Luke Winter, would be standing by this promise.
students standing for ten of the seventeen academic convenor
and welfare and equal opportunities officer positions.
who received 759 votes in the final round. Fraser Sutherland
secured the position of VP (Student Support) with 721 votes.
He said: “I will stand by the pledge that I made at the
Heckling Meeting with the remainder of the money being suppose. So far so good. I’ll be gone
2073 people voted in the presidential election, in which
Tommy Gore was declared the victor after winning 944 votes in
At the Heckling Meeting on March 2, Sutherland, in response
to a question from Andy Gray, of the GUU Debates Society,
put in a trust fund. This trust fund will then be open to
students, club and societies of the University to bid into for soon in that case. Pulling a fast one
the second round, defeating fellow candidates Sophie Hall and
Philip Neal.
pledged to donate 32.9 percent of his salary in order to receive
only the minimum wage. The four sabbatical officers are paid
charitable projects.
(continued on page 4) with what’s left of that £15,000 (pre
Editors: Tom Bonnick & Sarah Music Editor: Oisín Kealy Olivia Vitazkova tax) pay check. I imagine I’ll prob-
Smith Film Editors: Emily McQueen- Reporters: Adam Campbell, ably buy myself a small island and
News Editors: Craig Govan & Leon Weber Nick Sikora, Emma McMullan live the life of Riley for the rest of
MacLellan & Anna Murray Lifestyle Editor: Claire Contributors: Maxwell Ward,
Features Editor: James Strickett Jo Shaw, Sage Pearce-Higgins,
my days.
Maxwell Picture Editors: Sarah-Ann Eleanor Mitchell, Jean-Xavier Mind you it’ll have to be a pretty
Sports Editor: Harry Tattersall Lee & Ruby Wight Boucherat, Lauren Martin, Nick small island. I wonder if that one
Smith Photography: Helen Abraham, Biggs, Paolo Arcari, Markus in the middle of the duck pond in
Arts Editor: Dominic Sean Anderson, Gabriella Morrison, Joe Mclean
Maxwell-Lewis DiTano, Jani Helle, Jim Wilson, Kelvingrove park is coming on the
market anytime soon.
Anyway, what the fuck have the
This newspaper is neither funded through nor supported by SRC been up to recently? Well I’ve
the Glasgow University Students’ Representitive Council. been in the pub quite a lot, Laura’s
been doing her nails, and Sophie
The Glasgow University Grundian is editorially independent of the and Morven have been playing this
SRC, University and Glasgow Guardian. The thoughts and views stupid game on the internet. That’s
expressed in this publication do not even reflect those of its editor. pretty much it.
Dammit still more space to fill.
But two weeks after receiving a few months ago. When I went to Did you know that not only does
this e-mail and for warding it on.. visit him for the Baylor/U game, she the SRC provide free advice, support
Microsoft contacted me for my showed me her check. It was for the and services to students, but it also
address and within days, I received sum of $4, 324.44 andwas stamped represents students on a variety of
a check for $24, 800.00 . You need 'Paid I n Full’ different University committees? If
to respond before the beta testing is you did not know that then you
over. If anyone can afford this, Bill have clearly never read this column
gates is the man. It’s all marketing Constructive Criticism because I write it every bloody time
expense to him. Please forward this and does anybody listen to me?
to as many people as possible.. You M8 ur mag totally sucks U fk bkt. Jog on. Let me be. I’m fine here
are bound to get at least $10, 000.00 Gt a fkn life! WTF ROFL! just providing free advice and support
We’re not going to help them out with to myself. Thanks, you’re welcome.
their e-mail beta test without getting Bazza (by telegram) Am I going mad? Then why do all
a little something for our time.. My the pigeons say I’m crazy? Answer
brother’s girlfriend got in on this me that.
grundian
1st April 2010
Glasgow University
www.scribd.com/glasgowuniversitygrundian
The HRC blues Why are we here?
Grundian has serious misgivings relating to the
closure of the Heatherington. We strongly believe
that this is but the start of a shut down program
involving every building in the University.
Grundian has that the Queen Margaret Union
is being closed down room by room. Some of
the toilets are now permenantly locked, though
nobody is inside. Meeting rooms in the Library:
also locked. A number of doors in the John Mac:
inexplicably unopenable, therefore locked. The
Reading Room is regularly locked after 6 pm, is
this not evidence enough? We are being systemati-
cally hemmed into a few crowded rooms where we
won’t even have room to swing a cat or make our
bums touch flags.
Guardian estimates that at the present rate of
closure we will be taking our exams in the middle
of the road in one year, maybe two, but why? We
suspect the Government is preparing for the end
of days. The rooms are being made air tight, then
pumped with butane. The bomb will drop, the place
will go up a treat, and they’ll put it on Youtube.
glasgowgrundian@yahoo.co.uk
When was the last time students at Glasgow
University had such a moronic rag leveled at them,
for their own reading pleasures?
The Grundy can’t remember, perhaps there has
never been one, perhaps it was so insignificant
no one ever read it. Perhaps, as Steven Hawking
once suggested, little universes are created and
destroyed the whole time, without ever being
detected by anyone, perhaps the old Grundy will
be a case in point. Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
Does Grundy have a future? Can it continue to
exist, and can it avoid going stale? We think not.
We’ve had a pop at most of the major groups
on campus, if you feel like a major group but have
been left out of our line of fire we do apologise.
Maybe there is nothing funny about you. We’ve
done the recent news, its been fun, but it seems
inevitable that in any future issues we would
end up repeating ourselves. Glasgow University
isn’t big enough to strike oil in every month. And
although the news is by definition always new, lets
face it, its actually quite repetitive.
EDITORIAL 7
John McIntyre Building RIP
University Avenue
Glasgow G12 8QQ
The Unions seem to have escaped with a light
flogging. Grundy can’t imagine why, except that
they’re boring and pointless nowadays, and hardly
worth a mention. They say that the GUU is full of
sexist rugger buggers and the QM full of sensitive
souls yeah yeah heard it all before. Is that really the
case anymore? As far as Grundy can see they’re
pretty much the same: cheap pubs/stationary shops
full of drunken children in matching T shirts, on
whom the title of Union is completely wasted.
Jesus wept, this is getting a bit sentimental.
If anyone is offended by any of Grundy’s
content, we apologise, it is only meant as a bit of
fun. To anyone who has been mentioned by name,
or if any recognise themselves between these pages
and are wondering how to take it, we recommend
on the chin.
Huge thanks is also due to those at Glasgow
University Guardian itself, if it was not for their
tireless effort, we would never have been able to rip
them off, so thanks. Please also check our website,
show your mummy and leave your comments.
 1st April 2010

grundian Sport
Glasgow University

GU suffer outrageous fortune

GUT 1 – 1 EM
Wasit Bacon
There was drama a plenty on
the fields of Garscube last
weekend when the Glasgow
University Tornados
squared up to the Edinburgh
Maniacs.
This momentous Saturday
afternoon at Garscube
saw the Tornados air for
the first time their modern
dress production of Hamlet.
Their fledgling performance
was pitted against the
Maniacs’ seasoned version
of Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolour Dream Coat,
but at the end of the day
only one team was going to
be flying their colours.
Glasgow suffered a
crushing blow in the first
five minutes when team
captain Hamlet discov-
ered his father had been
murdered by his stepfather
Claudius.
After that it took a few
minutes for the young prince
to rediscover his pace and
form, but having regained
his composure this setback
seemed to give the captain a
sense of purpose for the rest
of the match.
The opening scenes were
not easy for the Maniacs
either. There was a notice-
able lack of team spirit which
prevented the Edinburgh
players working together.
This was evidently brought
on by their captain Joseph
and his brightly coloured
strip which made the other Sarah-Ann Lee
players look quite plain.
Inadequate sports gear
soon became a domi-
nant feature of the match
as Hamlet, having burst
through the biblical defense,
tripped on his inky cloak,
scuppering his first goal
opportunity.
Tempers flared when a
particularly harsh tackle from
Polonious caused Joseph to
literally be taken to Egypt.
However the loss of their
captain seemed to cheer
the remaining Edinburgh
players greatly, and they
swiftly broke the deadlock
with a stunning goal from
the Israelite brothers.
Although Joseph’s team
had the force of God behind
him for the majority of the
match, the Glasgow side
were able to capitalise on
slick partnerships to bring
home the bacon. Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern were seen
consistently supporting
Hamlet from the wings,
equalising before half time.
Unfortunately the second
half ended in tragedy for the
home side, Hamlet’s increas-
ingly erratic play resulted in
a deadly tryst with team-
mates Laertes and Claudius.
This was the final straw
for a team already hounded
by injury and death, and
Edinburgh won by default.
In the post match analysis
Joseph told Grundian, “It
was a great match, the lads
really pulled together. I’m
not sure who we are playing
next, but any team will do.”

Records smashed due rift in space time continuum

Confusion turns to frustration at the most recent GUBC fixture as the fire alarm halts play again

Glasgow University Athletics Harry Tatters-Everthing-Smith

Club enjoyed unprecedented success
last week breaking every record in
the book in one afternoon.
Local physicists attributed the
team’s stunning victory to a gravi-
tational anomaly caused by a black
hole passing between the Earth and
the moon. Cherry Bakewell, who
observed the event from her garden
telescope told Grundian, “What could
have just as easily caused the end of
the world actually turned into quite a
good day for the athletics team.”
Winston Armstrong wowed spec-
tators by throwing a shotput into
the outer atmosphere and Evelyn
Legstrong jumped the 100 meters in
a record 7.3 seconds.
Team captain Rolf Rofl defended
his team’s performance saying: “I
don’t think its fair to attribute our
success on a black hole miles out
in space. We have been training for
months for this event and really
deserve this win.”
It is suspected that the cosmic
wobble was responsible for a number
of unforeseen events across the globe.
War in the Middle East came to an
end, the Earth stopped spinning for
a few seconds and the Heatherington
Research Club collapsed in a pile of
rank smelling dust.