12/12/2015

DevelopingYourOwnTrueIndependence|GirlsChase

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Saturday,12December2015

DevelopingYourOwnTrueIndependence
(/users/codylyans)byCodyLyans(/users/codylyans)

Thursday,6August2015

Amongmenstudyingthesocialarts,womensultimategoalisoftenmisinterpretedasthe
pursuitofsex.

InthisarticleIwilldescribetheirrealgoalandhowitisoftendistortedbythoseinsome
formofascarcitymindset.Wewillalsogomuchdeeperthanthis,aswewillbelooking
atyourrealgoalaswellaswomens.
Tobeginthissubject,Icantreallydelayintroducingyoutotheultimategoal,so,inthe
spiritofopenness,hereitis.Butbeforeyoumakeyourjudgementuponit,readtherest
ofthearticleandseehowyourviewofitchanges.
Theultimategoal(ofwomenANDmen)istofreeoneselffrombecomingfrozenin
fearofjudgementandtodothiswithouthurtingortakingadvantageofothers
foronesowncomfortandease.

IstheSexPositiveApproachthePathto
Freedom?
Thisisthecoreethicalprincipleatplay,anditisoftenspunupindatingliteratureintoan
easyanswerofbesexpositivebecausethatiswheremostpeoplesparalysisis
centered(i.e.,mostpeoplefearbeingjudgedfortheirsexuality,sotoconfrontthisand
vanquishit,peopletellthemtohavelotsofsexandbehappyaboutit).
TheproblemwiththatSTRATEGYofbreakingpeopleoutofcaringaboutthe
judgementofothersisthatittreatsthesymptomsandleavesthetruecauseneglected.
Thisleadspeopleonawildgoosechaseforsexforselfesteemwhensexisnt
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necessarilytheanswer.
Oftentheanswerforpeopleexistsonthefringesofthissexpositiveprinciple,butthey
aregenerallyignored.Thingslikethetruecauseofaninsecurityaresweptundertherug
toprioritizethesexpositiveview.ThiscanactuallybeaCRITICALflawinalearning
processthatcanleadapersontowardsacompletedeadendorevenincidentalcrueltyin
theirrelationships.
ThisFLAWcanactuallystarttoviolatetheultimateobjectivebyunintentionallylosing
trackofmisinterpretationandviolationsofothers.
Beingunawareofthesefactorsthenleadstheguytofeelinghehastochoosethis
unintentionallyharmfulpathjusttofeelmorecomfortableorforgreaterease,whenreally
hehasbeenmisledtosomedegreeanddidnottakethetimetoreviewanddigestthe
effectshe,hisactions,orhisbeliefsarehaving.
Youcanreducethiserrorsuperficiallyby:
1. Notrushingtojudgement(/content/stopbeingsojudgmentalitsallactorobserverbias),
2. Havingaslowanddiligentprocess,and
3. BeingexcruciatinglyprecisewhenrationalizinganybehaviorthatLEADSto
comfort.
However,thecoreofthemisinterpretationofthissexpositiveprincipleissimplythelack
ofunderstandingthatITISNOTENOUGHinandofitself,andusedinisolation,can
leadyourightbacktotheveryflawitwasintendedtohelprelieve.
Thecoreissueisnotsex,butALLjudgementsthatparalyze,andthisincludessomeother
quiteviciousculpritsthatcantbedealtwithbypositivityandgoodwishes.

TheShackleofBlameandDismissal
OutsideofsexualjudgementIwouldsaythemostviciousissueistheunderminingof
intrinsicvalue(e.g.,thewaysomepeoplewilltrytodismissthevalueofotherstofeel
betteraboutthemselves(/content/protectingyourselfpsychicvampiresandnotturningeither)).
MOSTpeoplerespondtothisincorrectly.
Theydothisbyfallingintoaneyeforaneyebehaviororrationalizingitawayby
competingforthemselvestobeheard,wheretheBESTreactionisselfreflectionand
removingyourselffromantagonistsWHILEmaintainingstrictcontrolofyourtemperand
removingalldependencyonrevengefantasies...evenagainsttheirownformerselves.
Gettingrevengeonyourpastonlydrivesyouintoapurposelessfuture,whichmakes
yourpersonalvaluesoscarcethatyoustartneedingtofeedoffblame(/content/howvictim
mentalitycanstifleyourlife%E2%80%93andluckwomen),andsubconsciouslyyoustart

punctuatingyourlifedecisionswithfear,mistrust,andtoughluck.Itlowersyour
standardstoabareminimumandSTARVESpeoplearoundyou.
Mostoftenitisthoseclosestwhobearthebruntofit,anditleadsyouintoadarkerpath
inlifewhereyouforcethoseclosesttoyoutorejectyousimplytoprotectthemselves
fromthepoisonyouspreadaround...andtheystopsupportingyourdependencyon
blame,youfindyourselfontheroadtowardsyourinevitableimplosion.
Inreallifethereareextremecasesofthis,wherepeopledothemostunspeakableand
horriblethings.SoitpainsusALLtobetremendouslycarefulandvigilantifwefeelwe
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areheadingdownthatpath.Itoftendoesntendthatterriblybutitisalwaystragicwhen
apersonoptsforapaththatleadstoscarcityoutofconfusionoftheultimategoal.
Candidly,notallmistakesonthisfrontareentirelyapersonsfault,butthereexistsno
mechanismbywhichoutsiderscanintervene,soratherlikeanaddiction,itrequires
unusualstrengthtoturnaround(/content/howovercomedepression).Oftentimesitrequiresa
trulyparadigmaticmoment(/content/risktakingandyourdefiningmoment)whereyousayno
morewillIdoitlikethisIcant.Ultimately,wecantsustainthetruthifweletour
integritydegradebecauseofourconfusingpersonalcircumstances.

TheShackleofFalseAutonomy
Thenextmostviciousconceptthatismissedisfalseautonomythisiswhereyouextend
childlikelevelsofresponsibilityontotherestofyourlifewithoutevermakingachange.
Mostpeopleconflatethisissueintobeambitiousandsuccessful,butambitionand
successareOFTENachievedandvalidatedbypeoplewhoarefalselyautonomous,who
havesimplytakenoptionsGIVENtothem,andprocessedtheminnoparticularmanner
thenachievedanimageofsuccessandambition.Insociety,wegetjealousor
justifiablyupsetorwhatever,buttheimageofthatresultwhileleadingtoAPPARENT
successeslikemoresex,orabetterhouse,actuallyplateausafteracertainpoint,which
leadstoanexistentialdilemma.
(thisisoftenthecaseinEurope,whereuniversityispaidforbythetaxpayersand
everyonewhoattendsuniversityandgetsagoodjobjustfollowsthelifepathandends
upwithwhateveritgiveshim,withouteverlearningtotakematterstrulyintohisown
handstogetthethingshewantsitcanalsobethecaseintheU.S.,whenuniversityis
paidforbyparentsorstudentloans,andyourdegreegetsyouyourjob,andallthe
persondoesisfollowthepathsetoutbeforehimbyotherswithouteverlearningtobe
free)
Theunknowncoreofthisexistentialdilemmaisactuallyapersonsingrainedstrategy
forsuccessbeingbasedoffoffalseandunrepeatablecircumstances.Thismeansyou
arearesultofprivilege,NOTautonomy,anditEATSatyoubecauseyoucant
quitegetaholdonhowtoescapeexistentialsuffering.
Itisafirstworldproblem,butitisarealproblemthatleadstodiscrimination.Often
peoplesufferingfromthissearchforscapegoatsandunloaduponwhomevertheycanget
theirhandson.Thisinitspervertedformleadstowantingtoseewomenhumiliatedor
asinineandintolerablebehaviorssuchasBAITINGwomentorejectyouorengagingin
harassment.
ItisalldoneunderthecoverofbutIaminsomuchpainandimpliedthatthevictimis
atfault.Thisleadstoobsessiveagendasandactsofdiscriminationthatarejustnotcool.
AnditallstemsfromNEVERcheckingoutofchildhood.

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Aseasyasitistopaintthesepeoplered,thetruthisthattheySKIPPEDanimportantstep
indevelopmentandareREELINGfromtheblowitcaused.Thecauseisntsomebad
upbringingorlackofloveorwhatever(thoughthosethingshaveaprovenimpact
statisticallyandifaddressedmayhelptoasignificantdegree),itisdrivenbymistaken
andreviewedautonomy.
Thetruthwillfreeyou,butatfirstitwillpissyouoff.
Thisisperhapsthemostridiculousissueguyshavetoaddress,butitisimportanttoresist
accumulatingtrophiesandlearnhowtobegrounded,real,andtruetoyourself.
AndIFyoufeelyouaredoingthatandstillhavetheissue,youneedtomovefroma
quantitymindsettoaqualitymindsetandseekknowledge.Ifthatdoesntworkyouneed
toseekequalityanddecencytopeopleaboveallelse,whichmeans,noyellingor
blaming,butinsteadthedevelopmentofearnestness.
Iknowthatsoundslikebullshit,butthetruemechanismsatplayarenefariousand
painfullyobscure.Thegeneralprincipletopulloutofthisistofosterequalityand
advocateforpeopleyounormallywouldjudge.
Thatisamessytakeonit,butautonomyreallyonlycomestoapersonwhenthey
arebotheredtoputinlongtermeffortUPFRONT,ratherthanwillinglywalkinginto
badsituationsandexpectingpainstomagicallygoawaybecausetheydontlikethem.

TheTrueReview
Youcantactlikekingoftheworldorsavior,youhavetoreallyappreciatethatyouare
partofthehumanconditionandnotexcludeyourselffrombeingapartofyourown
problemsandthoseofothers.ItsTOUGHtogetthatbalancerightsoyouarentself
punishingoroverthetop.
TheidealinmymindisbeingsecureenoughtoREVIEWyourprocesswithoutaknee
jerkreactionthatimmediatelycausesyoutoavoidatemperedandmediatedinteraction.
e.g.,whenmostpeopleaskthemselvesifsomethingtheyaredoingiscorrect,they
automaticallysayYes,ofcourseitis!andshutdownanyinternaldialogueonthis.
Youcannotdothisifyouactuallywanttobefree.
Withwomenspecifically,Isuggestdevelopingakindofa50/50approachwhereall
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YESdecisionsbecomeathoughtprocess:
Isshehot?Yes.
DoIwanttohavesexwithher?Yes.
Willthismakemylifebetter?Yes.
Youneedtoturnthoseinto50/50decisionswhereSHEisresponsibleforhalfofthe
answerwhileyoureconsideryourinitialreaction.
Isshehot?Sure.
DoIwanttohavesex?Inaway.
Willthismakemylifebetter?Hmmmnotreally.
IsshetherightkindofpersonIshouldbewith?
Shesnicebutisthatreallyit?
Howwillsexaffectourdays,ourlives,andourattitudes?
Willthisactionbethebestoristhereanother?
Ifyoucangraspthatprocess,overtimeyoucanFREEyourselffromparalysisof
judgementsWITHOUTmisinterpretingorviolatingothers.Youcanachievethe
ULTIMATEAIMwithwomen.
Beingsexpositiveisntaquickfix,itsastartonabiggerandmessierinternalprocess.
Oftenweeatourdesertfirstbecauseweassumetherestwillmagicallyfollowsuit,but
itWONT.Asmuchastherearesweetandeasystepsinlearning,therearealsotough
stepsthatareoftenlefttotheside.Iencourageallofyoutonotjustlookatadviceof
beingsexpositiveinisolationbutgetabalanceddiet,byrootingoutbullshit(likebeing
judgemental,dismissive,andnotyetautonomous)thatislessoftenaddressed.
Isaythisnottorebukeorscaldanyone,butentirelytosaythatDESPITEconfusionand
afeelingofcomingupshort,youcanSTILLshakedogmaticdependencyonanyof
thesecrutchesandaimforthetrueHEARTofyourdesires(beforetheyevergottwisted).

Theultimategoalistobefreeofparalysiscausedbyfearofjudgement,without
violatingormisinterpretingothersforeaseand/orcomfort.
Shakefreefromtheovercompensationsholdingyou,becausethetrueryouaretothe
aforementionedprincipletheWIDERyouroptionswithwomen.YoudontHAVEto
havesex,youdonotHAVEtobeacrony,andyoudonothavetohaveaspotless
record.Butsolongasyouaimyourselfproperlyatthatgoal,youcanthenexplorewhat
isaroundyouandgobeyondlimitsexistentially,mentally,sexually,andfindadeeper
andmuchmoregroundedsatisfactionbothsexuallyandasaperson.
Ourultimategoaldoesntleadtoadogmaticend,itleadstoafoundation,andfromthat
placeyoureallyfindoutwhatsexandlifecanbeifyouareamanwhocandistinguisha
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waytobreakthroughwithoutneedingrosecoloredglassestogetthrough.
YOUwillmakemistakesandARESTILLmakingmistakes.TheTASKistonotletit
driveyouofftheroad,buttosteerrightbackoncourse.
CodyLyans

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Comments
REALITYBLINDINGCYNICISM (/COMMENT/66080#COMMENT66080)
PostedbyAnonymousonThursday,6August2015

Whatakillerofhappinessandresultsiscynicism.It'sdangerous,becauseittakes
muchcourageandintrospectiontonoticeitandevenmoredisciplinetoavoid
those"Whatscumbagsandcluelessothersare,whileIamsosmart"moments,
whereyouneedtoberealisticandsay"Maybethatotherguyisnotthatgoodat
women(Idon'tknowforreal,becausenoteveryoneshowsoff),butatthesame
timeheisprobablybetteratthingsIsucktodo,thatseemimportanttohim,butI
bethewouldliketohavesuchskillslikemetoo.".
Thisinvolvestheneedtoputyouregoontheground,whichispainful,butmaybe
necessaryandbetterinlongterm.

HEALTHYASSHOLISM (/COMMENT/66111#COMMENT66111)
PostedbyAnonymousonSaturday,8August2015

ButIwouldn'tbesofasttoagreewithit.
It'simportanttobecomehumbleman,butit'shardlypossibleifpossibleatall
tobecomeselfrespectingandrespectablemanwithoutbeingassholefora
whileespeciallyatyoungage.Eventhethingsyouwouldcall"assholish"can
seemnormaltoothers,womenmaysometimesevenfinditsoattractivethat
theygofromlikingyoutolovingyouandbecominginterestedinwherethat
strengthcomesfrominyou,butyoucan'tknowitifyounevertryit.Ifyou
haven'tevergonethroughatimewhereyou'resortofinsufferableassholefor
awhileatallinyourlife,youwillstaythatfragileladyinsidewhocriesat
everydifficultmomentandiseasilyinsulted,hasfearofhurtingotherpeople
"precious"feelingslongerthanyouactuallyneedtostayso.
Formeitseemsthatpathtohumblemanlandgoesthroughassholeland,to
knowwheretheboundariesareforsureandintuitivelyyouneedtotouch
themandoverstepthemmoreoftenthannotinmildorsometimeshardways.
Otherwiseyouwillremaincluelessbunnywhothinksheknowsthething,but
hasnevertriedit,sohasonlypredictionsbasedonanythingelsethan
conventionalBSandowninterpretationsofother'sinterpretations,notfirst
handexperiences,whichstealsofamanthatexperiencewherehenoticesthat
beinganassholeisactuallybetterthanbeingawuss,althoughyourgoalstill
isn'ttobeasshole,it'stobecomegenuinehumbleman.Wejustneedtoaccept
beingassholeforawhile,justtogetourownexperiencewhatitmeanstobe
rude,lovely,humbleandwhereboundariesbetweenhumblenessand
weakness,rudenessandselfrespectareinthereal,notimaginary,world.For
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mostmenit'steenageyearstheyplaywiththisassholeness,butifasa
teenageryoudidn'ttryit,youwillneednow.
Whatdoyouthink,Cody?:)

HOWABOUTTHISSCENARIO:YOU(/COMMENT/66093#COMMENT66093)
PostedbyAnonymousonFriday,7August2015

Howaboutthisscenario:
youneedsomeoneelse'sfinancialsupportatfirst(becauseyoucan'tworkfor
moneywhichwilltakeyears)forstartingbothcareeranduniversityandafterthe
independenceisachievedthejudgementof''thatguyhelpedmetogethere''
comesupandeverythingyoudonemakesyoufeelnotjustrightaboutit.
Isitjustajudgement(whenyouhaven'tworkedfortheinitialmoneyyou
wanted)?
shouldIseekautonomytobefree,evenwhenothersaretohelp?
thanksCody

NOMORETOSAY(/COMMENT/66094#COMMENT66094)
PostedbyAnonymousonFriday,7August2015

Cody,
whenIreadthis:
"Theultimategoal(ofwomenANDmen)istofreeoneselffrombecomingfrozen
infearofjudgementandtodothiswithouthurtingortakingadvantageofothers
foronesowncomfortandease."
IdontknowwhybutwhenIreadthisphraseIsomehowhadacluewhatwould
comeinyourarticle.:)ItisareallyhonestarticleandIhopethatalotofguys
readandunderstandit.Itistheessenceofhowtoseetheworld.Itmayvaryin
differentperiodsoflifebutthatisit.It'sforeverthequestionwhatIwantto
achieveandwomenwillfollowornot.Itdoesntmatter.
Greatarticleman.

TRUEINDEPENDENCE(/COMMENT/66095#COMMENT66095)
PostedbyAnonymousonFriday,7August2015

InMaslow'sHierarchyofNeedsCodyistalkingaboutreachingpastesteemneeds
andgoingtocognitiveneeds.Cognitiveneedsareknowledge,meaningandself
awareness.Onceyoucometotherealizationthatyounolongerneedothers
approvaltobefulfilledyoucanbegintodevelopyourselfasawisermoreself
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fulfilledindividual.PerMaslow,sexisoneofourbasisneedsinlife.Itisatthe
bottomofthepyramidalongwithfoodandshelter.Thereasonsomuchoflifeis
filledwithsituationaddressingsexistheaveragehumanbeingisnothaving
enoughsextofulfilltheirbasicneeds.Thatiswhythiswebsiteandothersare
popular.Theyarebasicallyhowtogetmoresexwebsites.Honestlythisisessential
inourlives.TheproblemthatCodyaddressesisthatsexfulfillmentdoesnot
completeusashumans.Actuallysexfulfillmentisabasicneed.Ifyoucan'tget
pastthelackofsexyoucan'tbecomeahigherfulfilledperson.Tobecomeamore
enlightenpersonyoumusthaveyourbasicneedsfulfilled.Thereforeifyouaresex
enlightenedyouarehavingyourbasicneedfulfilled.Nowyoucanmoveonto
becomeamoreenlightenperson.Codyisatthelevelofcognitiveneeds.Youmay
findonceyourbasicneedaresatisfiedthatyouareatadifferentlevelonthe
pyramid.JustasidenoteMaslow'sexpandedpyramidshowstranscendenceasthe
highestlevel.ThisiswherepeoplesuchasMotherTeresaandGandhireached.
Thereisanotherlevelthatistrueunselfish,selfsacrificingloveofallpeople.The
onlypersonwhoIknowofthatreachthatlevelwasJesusofNazareth.Maslow's
theoryisnotperfectbutitdoesgiveyousomeguidanceinhowtoprogressyour
lifeandtolookforproblemareas.

DEEPDEEPDEEP(/COMMENT/66096#COMMENT66096)
PostedbyAnonymousonFriday,7August2015

Justdeep!

SCHOOLSTARTSSOON(INONE(/COMMENT/66117#COMMENT66117)
PostedbyAnonymousonSaturday,8August2015

Schoolstartssoon(inoneweekforme),sodoyouhaveanytipsonmakinggood
impressionsonpeopleihavenseeninawhile?

AWESOME.(/COMMENT/66154#COMMENT66154)
PostedbyJeremy(/users/jeremy)onMonday,10August2015
(/users/jeremy)

Fantasticarticle,Cody.JustwhatIneededtohear.

DYNAMITEWRITINGEXCELLENTTHINKING!(/COMMENT/66222#COMMENT
66222)

PostedbyJohnFornaroonThursday,13August2015

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Cody:
Youressayaboveisveryenlightening,andverywellwrittenaswell.I'mgoingto
havetoreaditagain,andthatprettyclosely.Thanx.
JF

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