I am math

My performance in math is indeed at a low average, but in spite of how bad I am

at it, I will use this subject as a denition of myself.
I am math.
I am dened by those tangent lines taken from the arc of my spine because the
domain of my being is innite. A curve (scoliosis) for a spine instead of a straight
line is what I have on my body. I dont fully understand myself; I am
misunderstood by many, and I am easily given up by the majority, because the
matrix of my mind is the inverse of my identity. I am half the girl I once was, but
twice as strong compared to who I was before. I was never really good at solving
problems, but I think that makes me a quarter of the way there.
Some days, I begin to think I wasnt born for mathematical equations and
scientic problems. I dont wake up every day to feel bad about myself because
my mind is bleeding over an algebra problem. I dont live to nd x and y. I nd it
hard to answer and focus on math questionnaires. My mind is discombobulated
by numbers, and I am unable to comprehend equations set before me. My mind
refuses to sit still. I struggle to keep myself calm. I try so hard to stop myself
from uFering the word stupid every time I cant solve a certain problem. When
I nd myself conscious, I wish for life to be a calculation where I can add
positivity and subtract negativity.
But although I was not born a math wizard with a straight spinal cord, I can still
say I am blessed. I have learned that even if I have a lot of ailments, I am still
blessed because I have a bunch of people who love me as much as I love them. I
am one sickly but blessed girl. I draw and I writethat not all people can do.
In my 10 years of studying, I have realized that I was brought here, in this big
ball of soil and water, to read, to write, to do art, and to love. But how will I
write? How will I do art? And how will I love if I am being destroyed by these
elds? Instead of drawing and writing, I dash o numbers and leFers stretching
down neatly on paper. And somewhere along the way, I rush to complete them,
not bothering to check because in the end, the thoughts in my head are more
important.

So, why would I bother solving these equations and expressions when they dont
make sense to me? I feel hollow whenever I face math problems, like theres
nothing left of me but tired and empty. Math is indeed a wonderful and
interesting subject. But I think it is not for me. I am math because I hate math,
and I hate myself for not being good at it.

Janylle Chelsea (Jyll) B. Flores, 17, is studying psychology at the College of the Holy Spirit of Tarlac.