Ya-Ya’s

Raccoons By Steven Donnini

It was Christmas Day 2004 when Attorney Jimmy James

was called to represent his gardener Ya-Ya who had
just killed two guests at his Christmas Day feast.

Copyright 2010
Steven Donnini

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It was Christmas Day 2004 when Attorney Jimmy James

was called to represent his gardener Ya-Ya who had

just killed two guests at his Christmas Day feast.

Ya-Ya did it right in front of his family of 15

men, women and children. He got pissed at two

relatives about a shotgun shooting in which he was

the victim a few years before. There’s a circular

scar on his abdomen 6 inches tall and 8 inches wide

where the belly button used to be that closely

resembles a moon impact crater. It all started one

summer day when his first wife Stella was drinking

Wild Irish Rose with Clarmont Johnson and his step-

brother Tony at Ya-Ya’s house in Winter Haven,

Florida. Ya-Ya had been out all day cutting grass

and drinking beer. Stella became angry with Tony

when he asked for a Cuban sandwich. She hated

anything Cuban or Porto Rican and took offence that

Tony thought she was part Porto Rican. He told

her, “You look like a one of Ya-Ya’s Raccoons.” She

thought he said, “You look like a Rican”. She did

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a little, with the dark circles under her eyes.

Never the less she was so angry she went into the

bedroom and returned with Ya-Ya’s loaded 12 gage

shotgun. She’s a tiny 40 year old, only 102 lbs.

and couldn’t manage the heavy gun. The first shot

blew a hole in the living room rug.

Then Ya-ya opened the screen door and said, “What

the hell is going on?” The second shot struck Ya-Ya

in the belly.

In the hospital and sober Stella was full of

remorse, swore off the booze and visited him

everyday for 8 weeks as he struggled to survive.

But now every time he looks in the mirror he can’t

forgive Stella.

Ya-Ya says, “I loved that girl, but she can’t hold

her whisky.”

At Ya,Ya’s 2004 Christmas party, Clarmont and Tony

have been arguing over a Christmas present they had

bought for Ya-Ya’s 95 year old mother Louise. The

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issue was who should pay more, since she is only

1/4 related to Tony.

Tony argues, “I just don’t think I should pay for

half of the Christmas present.”

Clarmont answers, “But you owe me $65 for the money

your sister barrowed for the couch I sold her.”

Tony, “What the hell?”

Clarmont, “You said she would pay me when the

rebate from the TV and stereo came in.”

Tony, “She got the rebate but didn’t pay you. So

how’s that my problem?”

Clarmont, “She’s your sister. You vouched for

her.”

Tony, “You can kiss my semi-black ass. I ain’t

paying you shit.”

Ya-Ya has had enough family feuding to last another

year. His teenaged son Jackson has just announced

at the dinner table that his girl friend is

pregnant again and this time it will be a girl.

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3 little boys from other girls are running around

the house. Ya-Ya’s third wife Charmaine has been

raising the boys and is always complaining about

all the extra work she has to do.

Charmiane, “Ya-Ya, those boys are driving me crazy.

All they do is eat and poop. I don’t mind feeding

them, but I don’t like cleaning up someone else’s

shit. I work all day at that nursing home wiping

other peoples behinds. I won’t spend Christmas

doing the same thing. So, ether you clean him up

or Jackson can take some responsibility around

here.”

Ya-Ya, “Yeah, I heard yah. Jackson, get a

washcloth. The little one just dropped another

load in his pants.”

Jackson walks over to 2 year old Jerome and lifts

him into the arms of his new girl friend.

“Here Sissy, better get some practice.”

Clarmont says, “Shit doesn’t fall far from the

tree.”

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Tony laughs.

Ya-Ya, “Yeah, it’s none of your business.”

Clarmont is eating from a full plate of Ya-Ya’s

Raccoon meat, mashed sweet taters and greens.

Clarmont, “Coon is tasty. Where did you get it?”

Ya-Ya answers with sparkle from his gold tooth,

“Over in Winter Park at Rudy’s. I set a trap under

the house. This season I got 18. This one dressed

out at 20 lbs.”

Tony, “What did you do with the others?”

Ya-Ya, ”I take them to Millie’s Market. They pay

top dollar.”

Tony, “I can’t believe you people eat this.”

Jackson is licking his fingers. “It’s the best

part of Christmas dinner fool.”

Ya-Ya walks over to Tony. “Hey, if you don’t like

it, go hungry.”

Tony, “It’s nigger food. I ain’t eaten it.”

Ya-Ya, “Who are you talking to?”

Tony, “A dumb ass nigger, that’s who.”

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Clarmont, “Ya-Ya he’s had too much MD.”

Ya-Ya flashes back to the day he was shot by

Stella. “It’s your fault what happened to me.”

He raises his t-shirt to show the huge scar.

“See this is what I get from letting you hang in my

home. She was gunning for you.”

Tony, “I wasn’t me that was tapping her.”

Ya-Ya, “What you say?”

Clarmont, “He doesn’t mean anything.”

Tony, “It was him that did it.”

Ya-Ya throws a ladle of white gravy at Clarmont

that splatters on his new Christmas shirt. Wiping

himself with a napkin Clarmont says , “Big deal,

she wasn’t getting any from you. She said you make

her sick.”

Ya-Ya picks up a quart of Colt 45 and drinks it

down. He walks around the dinning room table with

a carving knife and proceeds to cut Clarmont. Tony

runs for the door but Ya-Ya grabs him from behind.

There was lots of screaming and yelling recorded on

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the 911 tapes. But one thing was for sure,

Clarmont and Tony had seen their last Christmas

feast at Ya-ya’s house.

It was Jan 3 before Jimmy James and Norma met Ya-Ya

in the lock-up. The Orange County DA had filed

murder charges on Ya-Ya for the killings of

Clarmont and Tony.

It will be 7 years before Ya-Ya will see another

Raccoon on the Christmas dinner table.

Jimmy is sitting at his desk across from Charmiane,

“I made the best deal I could with the DA. Ya-Ya

is one great gardener and raccoon trapper, but like

everyone else, he didn’t choose his family.”