PONY LIBERALS, OR VIEWS FROM THE DNC

Written by
Nicholas Ezyk

#based

An address
A phone number

INT. DEMOCRATIC PARTY FRONT OFFICE - DAY

A DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER is taking a call. He sees someone
enter and grimaces.
Oh god...

DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER

Its a BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER, in his Bernie Sanders hat

and his Bernie Sanders shirt and his Bernie Sanders stickers
stuck everywhere!
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
I want to know why the Democratic
Party isnt taking the progressive
wing of the party seriously.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
Well, if youll fill out this
comment card, well be happy to
send you a listing of our positions
and
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
You know, if Bernie doesnt win the
nomination, Im gonna vote third
party!
The staffer lifts an eyebrow.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
Just an aside, how old were you in
November of 2000?
2, why?

BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER

DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER

(annoyed)
Walk with me.
Why?

BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER

DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER

Just...walk with me.
INT. WALK-AND-TALK HALLWAY TRACKING SHOT - CONTINUOUS

2.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
Are you familiar with the phrase
too close to call? Hanging chads?
The endless recounts in Florida?
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
(looking flummoxed)
No, I dont know what that is.
Explain.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
You see, back in 2000, there were a
bunch of people just like you that
said that Gore was too conservative
and youd sit out or go third
party. 97000 people in Florida
decided they couldnt vote for Gore
and decided to vote Nader instead.
George W. Bush won that state, and
the election, by 537 votes. Every
time you dont get your way 100%,
you throw a fit and sit the
election out then wonder why the
Democrats dont have time to court
you. You fucked us big 16 years ago
and seemingly plan on doing it
again. News flash, we have more
important things to do, like
getting out the vote for people who
actually vote.
Title card: ENDING 1
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
But you cant just vote for
Shillary! Hitlery! Killary! Shes a
cunt! A CUNT, I tell you! She
murdered Vince Foster, and the
emails, and Benghazi, and
Whitewater, and shes going to lead
to a feminist takeover of the
school system and
He pauses. They share an awkward stare, knowing that the
Sanders supporter has tipped his hand.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
Youre a white supremacist that
just wants free college, arent
you?
We cut back to the Sanders supporter, now wearing a Make
America Great Again Hat and a plain white shirt covered in
CUCK and racial slurs written in Sharpie.

3.
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
(wide-eyed)
Uh...
(beat)
No Im not.
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
Leave me alone, I have work to do.
Dont you have a Republican staffer
to annoy?
Title card: ENDING 2
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
But you cant just vote for
Shillary! Hitlery! Killary! Shes a
monster! A MONSTER, I tell you! She
murdered Vince Foster, and the
emails, and Benghazi, and
Whitewater, and shes no better
than a Republican!
DEMOCRATIC PARTY STAFFER
If youre gonna sit out voting
every time you dont get everything
you want, why should we cater to
you? Why should we bother with your
finicky tastes if youre going to
call it not good enough and vote
Green?
They trade a stare, the staffer giving the daggers and the
supporter looking under-the-gun.
INT. STARBUCKS - DAY
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER
Hey, could I get a vanilla
macchiato, French roast with extra
foam please?
The BARISTAs expression sours.
BARISTA
(apologetic)
Im sorry, were actually out of
French roast. If youll come back
tomorrow, well have a new shipment
and

No!

BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER

(apoplectic)
(MORE)

4.
BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTER (CONT'D)
Youre a shill for the
establishment! Im not gonna buy
coffee from you until you can
promise youll never let me down
and fulfill all your promises!
He storms off in a huff.
BARISTAS COWORKER
Whats his problem?