You come to me

Out of long ago…

Many years ago I worked in one of the Universities of Sydney. University was a

number of huge grey square buildings, scattered among old gum trees, located in one

of the humid, wide spread, suburbs. Loans of the university campus were green and

pleasant, and in a lunch time a lot of people were sitting or lying on a grass, eating,

chatting, just resting.

I had my favorite gum tree, and loved sitting in the shade of it eating my sandwich

and watching world around me. Time to time I was sharing the same tree with another

woman. She was in her forties, blond, with big bluish eyes. Something was unusual in

the way she looked and dressed. I was intrigued and one day initiated conversation

with her.

She was Russian , her name was Polina. We became friends, and she told me her

unusual love story. This love story was born as a “week child” with a very little

chance for survival: cultural differences between two “parents” were too great.

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 University Romance.

“ When I met you, I had no idea

how much my life

was about to be changed…

but then, how could I have known?”

-old post card trembles in Polina’s shaky hands. She is not well. Her heart is

palpitating. “Severe anxiety”- doctor said. Probably, it was a result of the “sharp turn

around the corner”, or entire change of Polina’s life. Change happened too quickly.

She was eager to escape from the town where she lived for the past eight years. It was

life full of happiness and by the same time disappointments. Polina felt as she found

herself in “cul-de-sac” of life with only one road – back. She could not possibly go

back, so she decided to run away in this beautiful but so foreign to her town. To be

able to do it Polina had to leave permanent job, friends and Kim. It is the last

postcard from Kim she was holding in her trembling hands. She received it on her

last working day at the University.

That time she felt lost. She was leaving the job she loved –confused, overwhelmed

with mixed thoughts and feelings.

Next day after the farewell party at the department she worked, early in the morning,

all her family - her husband, two children and herself set on driving to another town,

another state to start a new life.

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It was usual hot summer morning in Sydney, and all Polina could think about was that

move would bring fresh breeze in her life, in the life of all family.

Initially it was Victor’s, her husband’s, idea to move out from Sydney, idea that made

her shiver when she heard it for the first time. Polina could not even think of leaving

University and Kim. He was part of University, and both played a very important role

in her life.

After leaving Russia Victor was never successful in finding a right employment.

Qualified marine scientist he kept changing jobs –store person, nursing aid, laboratory

assistant. Victor was approaching fifty and believed, that he would never find a job in

his profession, but still he was looking through papers , applying for some of them

“just in case”.

Once Victor received a letter, he red it and his face lightened up with hope - he was

invited for interview in marine laboratory, in Tasmania.

After short discussion it was decided that Victor would fly to Hobart for the

interview, despite a very little chance of getting the job.

When he came back, Victor could not stop talking about Tasmania –he fell in love

with that place. He loved old buildings of the city, its European, moderate summer.

“Not as hot as Sydney’s –he said. And virtually no humidity at all!”

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Soon Victor received a phone call from Marine laboratories – he was offered the job!

Polina saw, how happy Victor was, and she was happy for him. It was an average

paid job, not really enough for two adults and two teens, and it would be necessary for

her to do something to earn some money.

She had cacophony of emotions and thoughts in her head. She did not know what to

think and what to do. It seemed so painful to quit University, where Polina had so

many happy days. Despite Kim was not there any more, it felt like their romance was

still alive and trapped between old walls of offices and laboratories where they

worked together and loved each other for six unforgettable years. Their smiles, shiny

eyes, when they saw each other - still there in the air! It was so real, that she even

could feel presence of Kim every day. But in the labyrinth of their relationship

Polina and Kim were running in different directions, calling each other’s names but

unable to find each other. So probably Paulina’s escape to Tasmania would be the

best solution for both of them.

Probably it is destiny knocking at the door so she can not ignore it.

Victor , Polina and their two children –Anja and Stepan had emigrated to Australia

ten years ago. Back in Russia they did not know much about Australia. Living behind

” Iron Curtain” all Russian people new about Western world, that it is a place full of

natural disasters, crime, unemployment, diseases and other troubles. Every day on

TV news they could see people dying from hunger on streets of western towns;

queues for a plate of soup. Hungry people were clapping their fingers in a cold air,

dressed in dirty, torn clothes.

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Russians could see countless demonstrations on streets of western cities and fights

between demonstrators and police. All of it was presented as everyday life in America

and other western countries. Russians believed their radio and TV. Why would you

want to emigrate from the best country in the world, like Russia, where “man to man

is a friend “, to the society, where “man to man is a wolf” (Russian saying)! People

were completely brainwashed by government to believe, that they would not survive

even one day in that terrible western world. And Government is right not to allow

them travelling overseas - “that” world was holding too much dander! It was enough

to see the horror of “that life” on TV!

It was not much information about Australia. Only that this mysterious country has

got a lot of hot weather, dry red desert with nearly dead trees and strange animals

jumping everywhere.

So for every Russian it was clear, that one must be mad aspiring to live in the country

like that.

Polina’s neighbours in Moscow‘s apartment building were working for Russian

embassy in New-York and than in Sydney. Acquaintances and neighbours would

envy anyone, who could get employment like that. For simple Russians it was

impossible dream to work abroad. It meant first to be able to have a look at “that”

world and by the same time be safe under cover of Russian embassy. And another

great advantage- to be able to buy all those wonderful western goods and bring them

home.

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To get a job like that, person had to have very powerful relatives or acquaintances, or

to work for the government in a quite high position.

This special class of Russians coming back from “that” world never talked about their

experiences abroad with simple Russians. But everyone could see, they were

happy, healthy and their houses were full of amazing things, which were beyond of

less fortunate Russian’s imagination. And what wonderful clothes those fortunate

Russians were wearing! People were turning their heads to look at them, despising

empty Moscow shops!

Polina’s neighbours were people from this “special class”.

How many times she tried to ask them questions about western world, but

they would talk about anything else rather than America or Australia.

How much Polina wanted to see what is the life beyond this” Iron Curtain”, to judge

herself!

She was always like that: never liked people dictating her how to live. She hated

boundaries. She would crash them, does not matter what would take her to do so.

One of examples was Polina’s relation with her father. He tried to break her resistant

character. It was life full of every day’s abuses and quarrels. He was belting Polina

quite often. One of the reasons for beating her was marks from school. Very often she

was in tears, but never broken.

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It took Victor and Polina twelve bitter years to obtain permission to immigrate to

Israel (only possible way existed in Soviet Union that time, and only for Jews. Victor

was a Jew).

But they did not go to Israel. In Italy, common stop for all Russian refugees, they

went to Australian Embassy and applied for permission to immigrate to Australia.

In a few months permit ion to come to Australia was granted.

In imagination of Polina Australia was country where hardly any green grass growing,

a bit of bush and a lot of red soil. She was imagining jumping kangaroos everywhere,

even on streets of Sydney.

Plane which Polina’s family boarded in Rome arrived to Sydney on a hot summer

afternoon. Car was waiting for them to take to the camp for refugees. Overwhelmed,

Polina and Victor were looking trough the car windows. A lot of grass and amazing

big trees and palms were passing by and no kangaroos on the streets! They were

waiting for something unusual, but people were walking in and out of shops, or

strolling along streets, some of them with dogs – just normal life, like cities they saw

before. Car was passing a very beautiful park with strange big birds walking on green

loans. Birds were bigger than chickens. They had long black legs and long black

curved beaks. There were a lot of parrots flying around, making unknown noises.

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Refugee camp seemed heaven to Polina –lovely and very neat green loans with huge

trees here and there: unfamiliar to Russians landscape. Canteen was serving a good

food. It felt as she was born again, like life started from the beginning.

Despite Polina’s poor English she found a job in one-month time, still living in a

camp.

It was like a fairy tale - she could not believe it was happening to her. She became

numb with happiness. According to Soviet propaganda Polina would never find job in

a “cruel” western world.

Now she was working for chemical company as laboratory assistant –mixing

chemicals, doing some trials of metals. Condition of work was hard –heavy smelly

fumes and hot air were coming from furnaces placed in laboratory. Humid still air

from open windows would not make any difference. Plus Polina had to travel to work

for two hours in one end, but none of these difficulties bothered her. She was full of

energy and willing to learn as much as possible about her new life.

Paulina’s English was becoming better and better. Fortunately it was no one at work

to speak Russian to. Place she worked consisted mainly from new emigrants from

different countries- Polish, Filipinos, Romanians, man from Burma. Only manager of

laboratory was English speaking, who came recently from Manchester.

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It was very hard for Polina to understand him, his accent was different to other

Australians she met.

Polina and Victor believed that assimilation is only way of living in a new country.

They did not want to lock themselves in Russian community, they wanted to learn as

much as possible about their new home.

Once they went to the local church - it was a small church with approximately thirty

members.

Polina was listening to the minister, but would not understand one word he was

saying.

After sermon everyone in the church went outside to have tea or coffee. Polina and

Victor were so warmly welcomed, that they had no doubts that they belong to that

place. They started going to this church every Sunday.

It was Australian winter. Not as cold, as in Russia, but Polina felt chill of nights.

People from church collected a lot of warm clothes and brought them to her one

evening. She could not believe when she saw it–kindness she was never experienced

in Russia. People there would sell clothes, never gave them away.

Every weekend different church members were inviting Russian family for dinner to

their houses. Polina could not help comparing Australian men they met with their

Russian counterparts.

Australians were so loving and attentive to there wives, trying to help in cooking,

washing dishes. Plus time to time during the evening they were showing signs of love

and respect for their wives.

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Russian husbands, as Polina knew from living in Russia, behaved absolutely

differently. For instant, in her own family and families of their friends– when guests

came to the house, woman would go strait way to the kitchen. Than she would run

between kitchen and dining room, getting ready for dinner –men would not offer any

help with serving guests, or washings after. Victor’s behavior was the same as other

Russian husbands, and Polina never even questioned it before. Never would she

question other aspects of her family life, such as closeness with each other or making

love.

In a mad rush of their previous life in Russia it was most important to survive, to find

enough food for family, and than, in the evening, to worry about next day again.

So their love life would be the last thing she ever thought about.

In Moscow Polina worked in University, department of chemistry, as research

assistant. She loved University, its atmosphere of freedom and happiness.

In Australia Polina was dreaming about working in University as well, but never

thought it would be possible for her with her poor English and lack of experience of

living in new country.

Once, looking through Employment section of newspaper, she saw advertisement for

position of laboratory assistant in School of Chemistry. “Well, -she thought- who is

looking always finds!” and applied for this job.

Two weeks later Polina was invited for interview, and in another two weeks she was

informed that the job, she could not even dream about, was offered to her!

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Polina was happy and scared at the same time. She had doubts, if she would have

enough English for this job. But the main thing she did not know, how University

operates in Australia, what relations look like between people, if it is different to

Russia?

That is how University came into Polina’s life.

Polina has got book of love poems lying on her table, and one of them describes very

well her feelings about her first day in University.

This is the first part of the poem:

“I wish I could remember the first day,

First hour, first moment of your meeting me;

If bright or dim the season, it might be

Summer or winter for ought I can say.

So unrecorded did it slip away,

So blind was I to see and to foresee,

So dull to mark the budding of my tree

That would not blossom yet for many a May”

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For Polina University started from long corridor with the only one window at the end,

and rows of rooms at both sides – lecturer’s offices. Some doors where open and she

could see people sitting at computers, talking on phones or discussing something with

students.

Polina felt very nervous – how they will accept her far from perfect English, heavy

accent? She found office of Head of Department. Shaking, but trying to look calm,

she walked in, but before she could even open her mouth she was greeted by secretary

– plump woman with ginger colored hair and happy, warm and welcoming smile:

“You must be Polina” – the secretary rushed from her desk and took Paulina’s hand.

She had soft and warm hand. Polina’s hand was cold and stiff. It felt as this woman

was passing her confidence and calmness on Polina through quiet handshake.

“My name is June. Welcome! Let us go. I will introduce you to some people.”

Polina felt much better now - this woman was like mother, saying “do not worry,

everything will be fine!”

They were walking trough long corridor. On the way they were meeting a lot of

people. June kept introducing Polina to them, but all names mixed up in her anxious

mind. June was leading Polina downstairs to first floor where they entered a big

chemistry laboratory.

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“This is a 3d year chemistry laboratory- explained June –you are going to work in a 1st

year lab”.

“Where are you, Ron?-she said loudly - he must be in a back room”.

In the back room Polina saw a man, who was blowing in a long glass tube with bulb

on the end. He was holding this tube in one hand and a gas burner in another. Man

was thin, medium height, with started graying black hair. He put glasswork, switched

of burner and smiled to women.

“Ron – he introduced himself to Polina. Than he looked in Polina’s eyes and added:

“Do not worry about anything. Nothing in this life worth to worry about”.

Polina did not know that time that it was his favorite saying. Strait way she was

overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude and trust to this man.

“Ron is your immediate boss, he is senior technical officer – said June –I am going

back to my work. Ron will show you your lab. Teatime 10.30 – come in the tearoom

and have tea or coffer with us – secretaries and academics. Technicians are having tea

separately- only men there with their men’s talk”.

She smiled friendly to Polina and left.

Ron was leading Polina to another laboratory, which was situated on the second

floor. It was a very big laboratory with small adjacent room, which became Paulina’s

second home for the next six years.

Walls of small room were covered with shelves with bottles and jars filed with

different chemicals.

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“Your job is preparing solutions and experiments for classes- you know that from the

job description. If you see that is not enough chemicals on shelves or storage, you

have to order them. You will be working with a few lecturers…Here is one of them -

John!” Ron pointed at man who entered the door of the laboratory.

John was a man in his late forties with sportive figure and receding hair.

His small deep situated grey eyes were smiley and kind.

“Polina- he said-classes are starting in one week time. So you have got a bit of time to

acquaint yourself with lab, chemicals, and equipment. Another lecturer Kim Mason is

in charge of this lab, he will give you list of experiments you have to prepare.”

“Now we are living you- and good luck - said Ron – have a look around. Try to

become familiar with what is here.”

“Just take it easy!” – added John with a smile.

They walked out of the laboratory leaving Polina alone in the new and strange world.

Little room adjacent to laboratory was her office. It had a big oblong shaped window

under the selling. Window was going to a big balcony. View from the balcony was

enchanting – beautiful University grounds with trees, neat loans. Students were sitting

on the grass in big or little groups – chatting, reading, kissing.

All walls at the office were fitted with shelves – jars with powders, crystals; bottles

with solutions, acids and many other chemicals needed for students classes were

standing there, sometimes in two or even three rows.

Little desk with telephone and desk lamp on it was squeezed in the corner between

shelves with chemicals. On the bookshelf above desk were books on chemistry,

manuals, magazines, catalogs.

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Clock was hanging above shelves. Polina looked at it and realized that it was 10.30 –

time June told her to come up to tearoom.

Tearoom was two floors up. It was a big room with armchairs forming a big circle

around three coffee tables. Young woman was standing near back wall sorting out

correspondence and putting it in pigeon halls. In the corner of the room was a bench

with cups, coffee, tea, and above, on the wall, urn with boiling water. People were

sitting in armchairs with cups in their hands, drinking and chatting.

Polina felt nervous – all eyes were fixed on her. But she was saved by smiling June,

who took Polina’s hand gently pulling her towards circle of armchairs. People were

introducing themselves to Polina. All what was happening seemed to her unreal.

Kaleidoscope of faces and voices. Some of them were lectures, some of them tutors –

but Polina was too anxious to remember any names.

“Make a cuppa and seat with us, secretaries”- said June.

A few minutes later Polina was sitting between June and Janet – young secretary, the

same woman who was sorting out mail when she walked in the tearoom. Another

woman approached them and sat down near Janet. She was in her middle forties with

thin pointy nose and sharp light eyes.

“My name is Lorna”- she said to Polina in a loud metallic voice.

“Where did you come from?”- Lorna asked after Polina introduced herself.

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If only Polina could speak with such confidence! She started explaining to Lorna that

she came from Russia not long time ago. She felt like room became silent –everyone

was listening to her. Polina was speaking in a low voice and, from anxiety and

confusion, mixing some words.

“I beg you pardon? –Lorna loudly interrupted her – speak, please, louder and in

English!” And she started laughing.

Polina felt how her face was becoming red. Feeling feverish she was thinking what to

say, trying to combine words, translating from Russian to English in her confused

mind.

June came to the rescue. She looked coldly at Lorna, saying – “Polina will be O.K.

The main thing she is willing to learn”.

Now everyone around Polina was saying how wonderful her English was and what

would of happened to them if they would go to Russia – they would not be able to

speak at all!

How Polina was so thankful to all of them!

After tea, back in her little room, she felt relived that she can escape public

attention and talks. She was longing for silence. Polina was exhausted from speaking,

from strain of translating sentences in her mind all the time. Especially when so many

eyes were watching her. It was so good to sit quietly at the desk looking through

books, manuals.

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In half an hour Polina heard sound of opening door :someone walked in the

laboratory.

“If someone here?” asked a man appearing in the door of Polina’s office.

“You must be Polina. I am Kim Mason”. He grabbed her hand in his big warm hand

and shook it. His big blue eyes looked at her kindly, as saying: “Everything will be

fine. And we definitely will be friends.”

He was a man in his early fifties with strong stout figure and started graying blond

hair.

“I have brought description of experiments you have to set up for students –and I will

help you with that. Now we have to move around some cupboards and benches in the

lab. Just little push from you” – he smiled at Polina.

They worked on rearranging laboratory furniture until lunchtime. Polina was

emptying and cleaning cupboards, and, after Kim moved them, she was putting papers

and useful chemicals back, throwing old, out of date, bottles. Kim went to have his

lunch, and Polina quickly ate her sandwich, which she brought from home. After that

she went outside to have a look at University’s campus.

Everything she saw was amazing for her –students sitting on the lawns (in Russia

people where not allowed on lawns – there were slogans everywhere - “Do not walk

on the lawn”.), nice canteen, cafe with good choice of food and friendly atmosphere,

University shop, where one can buy many things not even known to her.

Polina sensed this wonderful feeling of happiness spreading all over her. She caught

herself smiling.

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After lunch Kim and Polina were continuing rearranging cupboards.

They did not talk much. She was thankful to Kim that he did not ask a lot of questions

– Polina was tied of speaking English.

Two hours passed quickly.

“It is tea time”- said Kim looking at his watch.

He walked to the cupboard at the far end of laboratory and opened it.

“We have got kettle, cups, tea and coffer here. What would you like?”

“ Cup of coffer “ Polina said.

Kim opened a little fridge in the corner and took milk out of it.

“I will make it for you”- Kim put kettle on, and now was rinsing two cups.

He was quick, confident in everything he was doing, spreading around friendly vibes,

and when they sat at Paulina’s desk with their cups, she felt calm and peaceful.

Polina could not help thinking that Igor never suggested to make cup of coffer for her.

But probably it is not Igor’s fault, it is just difference in cultural upbringing, and she

pushed this thought away.

Kim was asking Polina about her previous life in Russia, about her family.

He said that he is married, his children already grown up and have their own families,

and he has got one grandchild.

It was very nice to have this friendly chat, but Polina felt tied of speaking English for

so long and even started to put occasionally Russian words in English sentences

noticing it later and feeling confused.

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“Sometimes we have tea here –in one week time two postgraduates are coming back

from holidays. Their names are Rena and Trevor. They usually join me for cuppa.

Ron is having his tee in special tearoom for technicians – you can join them, but

usually only men from workshop there”-said Kim, taking the last sip from his cup.

“I am going to my office, probably I won’t see you to -day any more, I have to leave

early… See you to-morrow”.

On the way home, on the bus, Polina tried to remember in details what has happened

in the University on her first day. Names of people, locations of offices, but she was

so tied of emotions, of need to speak English all the time and of fear of mistakes, that

she could not think clearly. But Polina felt very happy.

A few days ago her family moved into little house, which was for rent in a very nice

and green suburb of Sydney’s North Shore.

Anja and Stepan went to a little primary school- just sixty pupils altogether. They

where well looked after in this little school. Polina felt so lucky -in Russia schools

were not friendly places, both pupils and parents very often were abused by teaches.

Here teaches were nice and polite, genuinely polite!

When Polina and her family came from Russia, all their possessions were five

suitcases. People from church gave them some clothes. Charity organization Smith

Family gave furniture, crockery and many other household things.

“Life is really wonderful here- she thought – in Russia was no charity,

no Social security. How we were fooled by Soviet propaganda, which was saying, that

all western world is merciless and cruel place”.

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When Polina came home Igor was reading a newspaper and children were playing in

the garden.

“How was your day?” asked Igor looking at her above the paper.

Polina started to describe what had happened to her on first day, and it was like water

broke the dam - so many feelings had to be expressed, and it was so easy to do it in

Russian language.

The thought that she is going to-morrow to her new job, to University, made Polina

happy.

This is the second part of the poem:

If only I could recollect it! Such

A day of days! I let it come and go

As traceless as a thaw of bygone snow.

It seemed to mean so little, meant so much!

If only now I could recall that touch,

First touch of hand in hand! – Did one but know!

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Polina’s first week at University went very quickly. Day after day she was learning

more and more about place she worked. Polina started putting faces and names

together. Preparations for student’s classes were finished. She was confident doing

her work and she knew that if she needs advise - Kim was always there to help. His

big blue fatherly eyes where following Polina trying to see if she needs some aid.

Kim was famous for that – if someone was looking for help with anything – chemistry

or to repair some apparatuses, or just to find something in Yellow pages- he or she

would first ask Kim. And Kim always was ready to help.

Polina did not have a good relation with her father in the childhood. She never

understood why he was so cruel to her. He used to belt her for low marks she would

bring from school, never was happy with anything she was doing.

Polina never liked to be at home, nervously waiting for father returning from work.

How she was scared!

Now, unaccountably to herself, Polina was always looking for father in all men

she knew. So coming to work for her became like coming to the father’s house,

where she felt warm and comfortable. Polina loved tea times when Kim was making

tea or coffee for her and than they were sitting at her desk talking about everything

what was interesting for her. With Kim she was learning about Australian way of life,

her English was becoming better and better. Sometimes Ron was joining them,

sometimes John. They were discussing their work with students, school rumors.

One Monday morning tall blond young woman entered laboratory.

“I am Rena- she told Polina –I am doing PHD here”.

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Polina introduced herself.

“Did you see Kim this morning?”- asked Rena. At the same moment Kim entered

laboratory. When he saw Rena his smile became particularly big.

“Welcome back – he said to her in nice, new for Polina melodic voice - how was your

holiday?”

Rena was describing her skiing trip to Snowy Mountains, where she went with her

boyfriend. She said that they had a lot of fun there, but at the end Rena fell and

damaged her knee.

“Look at my knee, it is still a bit swollen” –and she lifted her leg in front of Kim.

Rena was wearing a very short skirt; her legs were tall, tanned and strong.

Rena and Kim smiled at each other and were very absorbed in conversation. They

looked as a very good friends, or father and daughter. None of them did pay any

attention to Polina.

“Why should they?” thought Polina.

But this thought was contradicting her feelings. She was shocked by openness of

Rena’s legs, by simplicity of Rena’s and Kim’s relationship, which had just fine line

between friendship and sexual.

“It could not be sexual”-decided Polina.

She was putting little jars with chemicals on student’s benches, preparing them for

afternoon class.

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“What a nice relation between them- she thought – they are great friends”.

Probably it was her first pang of jealousy, but she did not want to acknowledge that.

Polina started thinking about skiing in Australia – it was end of July, days were nice,

sunny and sometimes even hot.

Polina could not comprehend, that somewhere not far could be snow. Skiing for her

associated with cold Russian winter, when students at school had to do skiing, it was a

part of everyone’s school curricula, and all girls in her class always tried to avoid it –

too cold, and they never had proper clothing.

If girl was lucky, and she had “periods” this day, she stayed in warm classroom, and

all other girls were envious. Some girls tried to cheat, saying they were menstruating,

but they learned that they have to go to school nurse to prove it, and to get certificate

from her. Or you could say you have got cold, fever, but again you have to prove it.

Sometimes Polina was having morning tea in tearoom for academics and secretaries

as she did on a first day of her arrival to University. Polina enjoyed speaking to

secretaries about shops, children and many things she was interested to know in her

new life – teatime was a real occasion for her to learn more about life in Australia.

Once Ron approached Polina in the laboratory after one of tea breaks.

“Polina –he said looking at her without his usual smile– it is not right for you to have

tea with academics. Your place is in a tearoom for technicians.”

She was so upset that could not say anything, just could not find right words. Tears

were very close. Polina nearly cried, but she did not want to show it to Ron.

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She could not even comprehend why it is not right for her to have these lovely

conversations with so friendly secretaries and academics. These talks meant so much

for Polina! Yes, she was only laboratory assistant, but she was a thinking person as

well, who needs, as food, to be among people, to learn, what they like, how they live,

what their desires are.

Ron has gone, but Polina was sitting in her little room, worried and unable to do

anything.

She heard someone entering her little office. She tuned her tearful face to see who that

was.

”Polina, what has happened? “- asked Kim, approaching her.

She stood up and rushed towards him, telling what had happened, trying very hard to

put in English words overwhelmed her feelings.

Tears burst from her eyes – Polina could not speak any more.

Kim tried to calm her down, telling her not to listen to Ron, that it is not right what he

is saying. As she was sobbing, Kim put his big hand around her shoulders, pulling her

towards himself in a friendly, fatherly hug.

Polina buried her nose in his big shoulder, and suddenly she felt so calm and cozy,

that for a moment she wished that this hug would last forever. It was a very strange

and unknown for her feeling.

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Igor never hugged her in this warm comforting manner and his rare hugs were just

light and meaningless. Igor was not emotional man at all.

Polina did not remember her father hugging her as well.

“Let me make cup of tea for you” –said Kim, taking his big hands from her shoulders.

He was walking towards little bench near the sink, where all cups and kettle were, and

Polina still felt warms of his hands on her shoulders.

She was watching as Kim took her cup, put tea bag in it and was pouring hot water. It

was enchanting– Igor never offered to make tea for Polina, and would never know

which cup is her despite the fact they had tea together every day, and Polina was

usually using the same cup.

It was very nice to have tea together and Kim was telling her stories about

University life – he worked there about twenty years. As he talked Polina felt as Kim

was emitting a lot of warm sympathy towards her. She felt his willingness to help her,

to protect.

Rena entered room, and Kim jumped on his feet to make tea for her.

Now they where happily chatting, not even looking at Polina. Feeling uncomfortable

she finished quickly her cup of tea and went to the main laboratory. While doing her

work she still could not help listening to their chat.

Polina did not feel jealous. She just wished she could speak English as well as Rena

did.

25
“No, I am not really good at conversations– she thought- it must be really boring to

listen to me trying to understand what I am talking about with my thick accent and

terrible grammar”.

Month after month were passing very quickly. Polina felt much more confident now

and very determined to become a part of the culture she and her family came to live

in. And she was proud of her achievements. Igor and Polina did not want to lock

themselves in Russian speaking community and in fact they even did not go to the

area Russians lived. Community lived exactly the same way as they would live in

Russia. Here, in Australia, they were reading Russian newspapers, watched Russian

films which were supplied in great quantities from Russia, listening to radio

broadcasting in Russian language. They were not interested in learning English

language.

Many younger people were working, but after work they usually were coming back in

Russian speaking families, spending weekends with friends usually Russians as well.

Russians, whom Polina and Igor met, belonged to two groups – “White Russians”

and “Red Russians”, as everyone called them. “White Russians” were descendants of

members of White army, which was defeated by Red Army in times of 1917

revolution.

26
Many of them immigrated to China and lived there in a Russian town called Harbin.

When Soviet officials came to Harbin they were trying to persuade Russians to go

back to Russia, which was now Soviet Union. Some of population of Harbin under

influence of Soviet propaganda went back and many of them perished in prisons and

concentration camps. More fortunate emigrated in many other countries and became

scattered all over the world.

Igor and Polina met a few of them in Sydney. Those people had different upbringing.

They still lived lives they would have in old Russia before revolution - celebrating all

orthodox religious celebrations, which were abandoned after revolution in Soviet

Union.

“Red Russians”, as Polina and Igor called their parents and their own generation,

were product of after revolution Russia. They were “baptized” in a new Soviet

religion – Leninism, with Messiah - Lenin . Polina remembered from her childhood

marching with her parents and other soviet people in lines, carrying slogans and

shouting to party officials, who were standing on podium, “Glory, glory!”

It was compulsory to do it on two celebrations. One of them 1st of May – the day of

International Solidarity of working people (Polina could never comprehend what

is this celebration about), and another -7th of November - day of remembrance of

Revolution. They were Celebrations in glory of a new religion – communist religion,

compulsory for all soviets.

27
Polina remembers herself on the stage in the primary school. She was standing in light

of projector, scared and lonely. Hundreds of eyes – pupils, teachers were fixed on her.

It was 7th of November celebration. Around her neck, as on the necks of other pupils

was a red tie. Every student had to wear this tie, which was symbol of membership of

organization “Children of October”, or “Children of Revolution”. Revolution

happened in October according to old Russian calendar. But it was November, when

celebration usually took place.

Polina was reciting a poem about Pavlik Morosov, boy who was a hero of Revolution.

His story was in every textbook, and every student had to know it by heart.

The father of Pavlik Morosov was a hard working peasant, who used to gather enough

grains to feed his family. When revolution happened and new authorities came to the

village to remove forcefully accumulated grains from him and other peasants like

him, he hid his harvest. Pavlik went to authorities and tell them what his father did.

So his father was arrested and killed. Grains were confiscated. Pavlik Morosov

became a hero.

Red tie matched Polina’s red cheeks. If she really believed that this boy was a hero?

She did not question anything. She believed teachers, parents and all adults around

her. It must be another twenty years passed by before world started crumble and

falling apart before Polina’s very eyes. Only then she started question many things,

she accepted as absolute before.

28
It was hard for Polina to make friends in any of two groups of Russian emigrants. She

could not accept the way generation of emigrants, whose parents emigrated from

Russia during revolution (or strait after) lived. Majority of them were practicing

orthodox religion and Polina was not religious person.

The way of life of new emigrants was not acceptable for her either. They lived like

they never left Soviet Union.

It was much easier for her to make friends among Australians. Her genuine interest

in the new life, eagerness to learn and become a part of it was winning peoples respect

and friendship. Russian acquaintances quite often asked her, how could she keep

friendship with Australians and what about she could talk with them?

Polina did not know what to answer, but the truth was that she did not feel any

cultural barriers with her Australian friends. She felt close to them, as they knew each

other for the long time. Polina was happy.

Her best friend was Ann – tutor in the chemistry department, where Polina worked.

Ann was seven generations Australian and very fond of Polina. She was a few years

older than Polina and lived not far from University in a big house. Ann was divorced,

and her two grown up daughters have left house long time ago. Polina felt much

attached to Ann despite a great difference in their personalities.

Polina was very impulsive, nervous, and intuitive. She was making decisions quickly,

in a wake of momentous feelings. Her decisions were based almost only on intuition.

Ann was down to earth, calculating person. Very calm and fair. With her Polina felt

confident, as she knew Ann all her life, as they were sisters.

29
Polina could discuss anything she wanted with Ann, anything what troubled her – and

she knew, that Ann would listen, always will come up with solution, or will

encourage Polina in difficult situations. She would never let Polina down.

Ann was very thin with olive complexion, dark brown eyes and short dark hair. She

was very confident, firm in her opinions and decisions. She was not as emotional as

Polina. But both of them were passionate in their own ways.

Despite of differences they were very good friends, appreciating different qualities of

each other. Their differences were adding color to their friendship, making it richer.

Ann was a great lover of art. They used to go together to art galleries to see different

exhibitions, and Ann would give Polina brief lecture about artists.

Being a pedant she would study painting meticulously, every detail of it and what it

means according to books on particular artist. For Polina, opposite, it was important

just impression this picture left on her and she would not go in details. She was not

interested much in history of artist or painting.

Often Ann and Polina would meet for cup of coffee and chat.

Sometimes Polina had to work evenings, helping classes for evening students.

Classes usually finished nine o’clock in the evening, and, especially winter time,

when darkness would blanket town as earlier as five o’clock afternoon, it was too late

for her to go home. Polina and her family lived far from University, and buses were

very rare in the evening. Than, after work, Ann would come to pick Polina up, and

Polina would stay for the night at Ann’s house.

30
Ann cooked tasty dinners. After meal they usually were chatting until late.

There were no secrets between them, just some moments in their lives they would not

discuss.

Professor Paul Lambert was in charge of laboratory were Polina worked. He was

men in his late forties with light blond reseeding hear, freckled skin, and penetrating

watery eyes behind glasses. When he was in laboratory, he usually sat in armchair,

reserved especially for him. No one used this armchair, even when professor was not

there, only Rena could rest in it. Very often she would sit there with cup of coffer:

she was professor’s favorite PhD student.

They used to talk for hours, discussing Rena’s research, or just having friendly chat.

Sometimes they stayed after work in laboratory having beer, and usually Kim would

join them, but Polina was never invited. On one of such afternoons, at the end of

working day, when Rena, Kim and Paul were having beer, Polina was working in the

far end of the laboratory and could hear their happy laughter.

She was afraid even to think about joining them, if even she would be invited.

Somehow Polina felt herself not equal to them. If only she could borrow Ann’s

confidence, Polina thought.

It was the end of the working day. Polina quietly said “good by” and left. They even

did not turn theirs heads towards her. Probably they could not hear her, because

Polina was very shy and quiet.

31
Everyone in the laboratory called professor Lambert just Paul, but Polina could not

force herself to call him by his first name, because in Russia relation between

professor and technical staff or student was more complicated – more distant.

She was wandering, how Rena could suddenly put her hand around Paul or Kim, she

was so free in her manners. Polina thought she would never achieve the same freedom

in thoughts and behavior: she was born in a very strict society.

Trevor, another postgraduate student of Paul, was very quiet young man, tall, thin

with fair complexion. He was married with two little children, and Polina did not see

him often in the laboratory.

Another part of her job was sometimes to help to set up equipment for postgraduate

students, and very often it was quite a challenging task, much more complicated than

helping undergraduate students. Kim was always around Polina to help. Because of

his friendly support she did not feel lost and was rather confident in her work.

Kim’s kind eyes, soft voice became so necessary for Polina, that every day coming to

work she was anticipating seeing Kim first thing in the morning, having cup of tea

with him – it had became their tradition – quick cup of tea before work, and little

happy chat.

Polina thought about Kim as a very good friend, and without realizing it, she was

drawn to him as to her imaginary father.

Polina always was looking for a father in men she met. Her own relation with her

father was very distant and unhappy from early childhood.

32
He was too strict to her, even wicked. During meals he was watching her eating with

his sharp, color of the steel, unkind eyes. He always was trying to find fault in

Paulina’s behavior.

“Again you are eating soup without a piece of bread? Everything must be eaten with

bread!”

His voice was getting louder. Polina could see as anger was coloring his face in red.

She felt knots in her stomach and did not feel hungry any more.

Polina jumped out of the table crying and run into her bedroom.

Something always was not right for him. Every dinner she was a target for his anger.

Father was scolding her for “not helping enough mother “, for “having bad friends”,

for “being rude with sister”-endless list of Polina’s “wrongs”.

Very often she would run out of the table to her room and lie crying in bed.

Than she would hear his steps – he would whip blanket from her, saying:

“Go and wash plate and cup after you, lazy creature”.

Polina would go sobbing towards the kitchen, and her younger sister, Klara, would

laugh at her.

Father loved Klara, and very often would humiliate Polina in front of her sister.

Polina’s mother was a sickly woman, who always was absorbed in her own problems

and had no energy, and, probably, no will to help Polina.

Sometimes Polina could hear her mother saying in a low voice to father:

“ Please, do not be so hard on Polina… “

33
As a result, Polina grew up as not confident person with low self-esteem. Because of

that she was not successful with boys thinking that she was not good enough.

Lack of confidence was written on Polina’s face. When she was going on dancing

parties, where boys have to choose girls to dance with, she was always left alone

standing near the wall.

It was very embarrassing for her. She did not know what she could do about it. She

was standing in uncomfortable position, unable to move.

Very rarely someone would invite Polina for a dance. And she would dance – uptight

and frozen, getting clumsier in her movements, feeling ashamed.

Really, she did not enjoy dancing parties.

Father used to belt Polina very often…She remembers, as coming from school, she

was trying to sneak in the house not noticed. Suddenly her father’s figure would

appear: “Show me you school diary, Polina”- loud, angry voice.

Avery student in Russian school had to have diary, where teachers would put their

marks every day.

If it would be low mark, father would belt Polina.

Especially she remembers one day, when he said her:

“Wash floor, and after that I am going to belt you”.

She remembers washing floor and crying:” Please, do not beat me!”

She was blind from tears. He bit her after she finished washing the floor.

Polina was trapped – she did not like school, and at home she was always scared and

miserable. Her school marks were becoming worse and she was belted more and

more.

34
When Polina was twenty years old, her father told her, that it is time to look for a

husband. She did not have a boyfriend and could not imagine whom she could

marry. Any way she did not want to get married yet, but situation at home becoming

was pushing her to think about marriage.

Polina was a University student, but still did not have any freedom from her family –

it was not possible in Soviet Union to move out of the parent’s flat. It just was not

acceptable in society. And, anyway, there were no any flats for rent- just it was not

enough accommodation for everyone. Very often a few generations of one family had

to live together. Or even, not relatives, but different families lived in one flat, sharing

just one bathroom and toilet. Flats like that called “communal”.

Polina remembered living in such flat as a little girl. There were morning queues to

toilet, to bathroom. Antagonism and constant fight between women were usual in the

communal flat.

In the kitchen every family had little kitchen table and just one stove for everyone. So

someone had to be quick to cook meal before other people will get from work and

occupy all burners on the stove.

After cooking everyone would take their pots to their rooms, because to leave in the

communal kitchen the pot with food was quite dangerous, especially in the case of

conflict between families.

35
Once after lecture Polina was walking among other students along University

corridor, as someone called her name. It was Ivan – they went together in primary

school and after that for many years she did not hear from him.

Polina remembered Ivan as a very quiet, shy boy. He was fat and never liked any

sport – everyone laughed at him during sport classes. He would embarrass himself

jumping and running – so clumsy he was. Polina had a photo of their class at home,

where she was standing next to Ivan, who barely reached her shoulder.

Now she hardly recognized him – tall, slim and handsome young men was standing in

front of her.

“Polina- he said –look at you!. Did not see you for a wile and you are changed a lot,

you look beautiful!”

“You too!- she said – remember in year six I had to look down to see you, but now it

is opposite.” And they laughed.

After a short conversation with a lot of “how?” and “where?” Ivan asked:

“Are you hungry?”.

Yes, Polina was hungry.

“Let us go to University canteen” – suggested Ivan.

During lunch they were catching up on what had happened to them during the years

they did not see each other.

Ivan was studying history , it was his last year in University. Plus he worked as a

schoolteacher of history as well.

36
As he told Polina, Ivan lived with his two aunts in a little flat since he remembered

himself - his parents divorced many years ago, when he was a little boy. After lunch

they walked back home together. Ivan lived halfway to University compare to

position of Polina’s house, but he decided to see her off.

It was mutual attraction.

They stated dating each other. Polina liked Ivan. He was intelligent and handsome.

Lover of books, he was reading a lot and was trying to interest Polina in them.

They were mainly books written in English language and translated in Russian. His

favorites were books by J.D.Salinger and J.Apdike. Especially he loved the novel -

“The Catcher in the Rye”. He saw himself as a “Catcher in the rye” who was trying to

warn children about danger of falling from the hidden in the rye field cliff. Children

were happily playing in the rye unaware of a danger. As a very caring person, Ivan

saw his role as a teacher to save children from dangers of life.

He loved his aunts as well. They were nice old ladies. Never married, they lived all

life together, minding Ivan. All three of them lived in a very small flat, which had just

two little rooms and small dark kitchen without window. When Polina was visiting

Ivan, Maria and Katia (aunt’s names), always tried to please her.

It was always cake in the house and Polina was welcomed to join them for tea or

dinner any day. Katia was elder sister – she had permed grey hair and lovely merry

character. Maria opposite was quiet with shy smile and strait white hair.

37
 Sometimes Polina could not explain behavior of Ivan. It seemed very strange: he

could disappear for a few weeks – no phone calls, no visits. But he would write letters

to her, very strange ones, full of hidden meaning and she would not know what he

wanted to say.

Another thing, which seemed strange– they kissed with Ivan a lot, but he never tried

to make love to her. But it suited Polina– she was virgin and afraid to have sex before

marriage. Polina’s father told her that if by any chance she would fell pregnant before

marriage, he would kick her out of the house. And it would be nowhere for her to go.

Once Ivan called Polina and said that he needs to see her urgently. His voice was

different to usual. It sounded quiet and quivery. He definitely was upset.

Polina told him to come, and when he entered the door his state of distress was well

seen.

“ Katia is very sick – he said –she has got a cancer and doctor told she will last just a

few month”.

After Katia’s death Ivan disappeared. He even was not present at the funeral.

Polina was not looking for him. Ivan did not have telephone in his flat (many

Russians lived without telephones, waiting for them in a queue for fifteen - twenty

years). Another thing – she learned that when time will be right for Ivan, he will come

back again.

38
Ivan phoned a month later and asked Polina to meet him on the street.

She put her coat on and went out. This time Ivan looked calm and happy. They

walked trough the park and talked about different things, when suddenly Ivan told:

” Polina, would you move with me and Maria?”

Polina was absolutely stunned – it was not acceptable in society to live together

without marriage, and, of course, her parents would never approve it. It would tarnish

the image of all her family. Polina mumbled it to Ivan and suddenly to her added:

“If you want us to live together - you have to marry me. “

Usually she was very shy and could not believe she said that. Polina was sure that

they will jock on this subject a little bit and will not discuss this seriously any more.

But she was even more surprised when he quietly said-

“Yes, let us do that”.

Two month before wedding went quickly. Ivan did not want wedding party, guests.

Paulina’s parents were not happy about that but had to agree.

Instead of wedding party for Polina and Ivan was organized little honeymoon in a

small town nearby. Friend of Polina’s parents, who was an influential general, booked

for young couple a room in a little hotel there.

Normally for Russians it was close to impossible to stay in hotels where permanent

sign “No places” was always displayed. Hotels were for foreignness or high rank

nomenclature workers, or just for someone who could bribe hotel manager.

39
 In Russia it was not such a thing as bridal shop, so everyone had to make wedding

dress themselves, or ask tailor to make it.

Polina’s mother was very good at sawing. She used to make all clothes for Polina and

her sister. So three days of work and Polina’s wedding dress was ready. It looked just

like usual everyday outfit but was made from white material.

Just like wedding dress wedding ceremony was very simple. After some waiting for

their turn in adjacent room, Polina and Ivan, together with their two witnesses

(Polina’s friends), were invited by Marriage Officer in the room for wedding

ceremony. Tape recorder was playing Mendelssohn’s “Wedding March”.

Polina and Ivan signed books in front of witnesses and exchanged rings. Lady

Marriage Officer pronounced them husband and wife. Trivial dry kiss and glass of

champagne concluded ceremony.

After that Polina, Ivan and their witnesses went to Polina’s flat, where her exited

parents and Maria were waiting for them.

Polina’s mother had prepared nice lunch. All of them sat around the table and started

eating. Nothing in this small gathering of people reminded wedding. Rather just

casual get – together of family and friends.

According to old Russian tradition someone at the table had to shout “Bitter!” to the

just married couple and they had to kiss each other.

But at this wedding lunch no one dared to do it. Everyone knew that Ivan would not

like it. There were no laughter, no dancing.

40
Polina was drinking champagne, her father together with her friends –married couple,

“witnesses”, were sipping a very expensive Armenian cognac. Ivan did not drink

cognac – he did not like spirits.

Little by little conversation started. Polina’s father was asking Ivan about his work in

the school, his plans for the future. Maria was praising my mother’s cooking, so did

“witnesses”. Food was really good, especially pies, all three of them, with meat,

potatoes and cabbage. The last one was Polina’s favorite.

“It is three o’clock –said Ivan – time to go, otherwise we will be late on the train.”

Polina’s mother invited Polina in her bedroom.

“I prepared for you a nice nighty” –she said opening wardrobe and hanging to Polina

little packet. Polina opened it – it was dark blue polyester nightdress, with white frills

around low cut neck. It was absolutely transparent.

She felt her cheeks blushing but did not say anything, kissed her mother and put

nighty in her bag, which was standing there. Then Polina and her mother walked out

of the room to a hallway, where Ivan was waiting impatiently near the door.

Young couple said “Good bye” to everyone, took their bags and went to the nearby

taxi stand. Taxis were readily available so they took one of them and went to the

station.

41
In the train Ivan took his wedding ring off, saying that he does not feel comfortable

wearing it. Polina did not object that because she already got used to Ivan’s tricks,

and besides she felt so happy, that now she was free from her father’s attacks.

Whatever would happen now she did not want to be back at home.

Train stopped in a small town. Train station there was little and smelly as all train

stations in small places of Soviet Union. It had odor of cheap soap mixed up with

smell of toilet.

Ivan and Polina walked throughout streets, looking for the hotel. It was springtime –

birch trees where covered in young sticky leafs. Air was fresh and cool, and had this

particular spring smell, which Polina loved the most.

They were new weds but walked not even touching each other. Polina knew that Ivan

does not like to touch her on the street, or at any other public place.

Maps did not exist in Soviet Union for everyone, so Polina and Ivan had to ask the

man they met on the street for directions. Man was drunk and not very steady on his

legs. He was repeating his explanations over and over and was very keen to go to

hotel together with them probably in hope to continue drinking together.

He even walked behind them a few meters, asking questions like where they came

from and what kind of business had brought them in this small town.

But when he saw, that his questions are not going to be answered, and it is no hope to

have a drink with those two people, he swore a few times and turned back.

Someone pointed Polina and Ivan at the hotel they were looking for.

42
When Ivan and Polina entered little dark entrance, they saw a woman sitting behind

counter. She was talking to a man who was leaning on the counter in relaxed pose.

It obviously was casual friendly talk – they loudly laughed.

“ Good afternoon –Polina said to the woman - we have got seven nights reserved in

this hotel.”

Woman threw a quick angry look at Polina but did not answer anything, continuing

talking to the man who even did not change his position. Polina and Ivan were

standing and waiting patiently. After approximately ten minutes the men went in the

back door and the woman “noticed” them. With disbelieve in her face, she started

looking throughout big book which was lying on the counter. When she looked back

at Ivan and Polina her face was beaming with contempt and disgust.

“Room 2”- she said drilling them with her sharp eyes without any sign of smile in

them.

“Honeymoon?” - she whispered giving keys, and her lips went in to nasty smile.

Polina quickly took keys and they went in a dark corridor with rooms on both sides.

Room number 2 was quite spacious with a big bed in the middle. Polina was really

scared of what must happen soon between Ivan and her. She wanted it to happen. She

thought by loosing her virginity she will be changed overnight. She will become

different person, grown up and mature. She pictured herself coming back to

University already like a woman, not girl, proudly wearing wedding ring on her

finger. Polina even saw envious faces of her girlfriends.

43
But she did not feel comfortable thinking about process of converting her to woman –

Ivan even did not try to make love to her before, did not even caress or passionately

kissed her.

It did not look like he was in rush to do it now as well.

“I am hungry, what about you?” – he asked Polina, looking in the window.

They decided to go to restaurant for dinner. It was about eight o’clock in the

evening, but there were a lot of people on the street. They walked quickly, not looking

at each other. Their faces were pale, dull from tiredness and many of them were

carrying shopping bags. Shops were still open and full of people queuing for food.

Ivan and Polina found little restaurant called “ Little birch tree”. They walked in.

There was about ten tables altogether. Three tables were occupied: one of them with

middle aged couple, second with family with two young children; third one had about

five men sitting around it.

All of them were dressed in expensive suits. Men were drinking vodka and eating

sandwiches with black caviar. Salmon, herrings and other delicacies were on the

table as well. Men were talking and laughing loudly.

“Surely they are on business trip – Polina thought- they look like government

officials. People like that have no trouble of finding accommodation in hotel”

While they were walking to the little table in the corner, Polina saw in the mirror on

the wall that men were following her and Ivan with their reddish drunken eyes.

44
During dinner Ivan was unusually quiet, and Polina thought that he as well was

thinking about what must happen between them shortly.

All they had for dinner was Russian meat dumplings and bottle of red wine.

It was good to drink wine: it made them less tense, Polina and Ivan started laughing

on the subject of drunk men, who were sitting at the table in another corner of the

room. One of them nearly fell, trying to sit down after visiting toilet. His white shirt

was hanging out of trousers , somehow he reminded clown to Polina.

When Polina and Ivan finished dinner and went outside it was already dark, shops

were closed and streets were empty. Despite it was quite cold – typical early spring

night, Polina and Ivan seemed were not in hurry to go back to hotel. They were

walking the streets and talking about little insignificant things – topics, which are

forgotten strait away after they finished.

Finally they found themselves near hotel they stayed. Followed by heavy look of

woman at the counter, they entered the room.

In silence Polina changed her dress to the nighty which her mother gave her, and

went in bed. Ivan followed her.

They were kissing and caressing each other, but Polina felt that something was going

wrong: each time Ivan tried to push his penis in her vagina erection failed.

Tired they went to sleep.

The next night was exactly the same as the previous one. Polina did not know what to

think. But, probably, Ivan was not experienced in making love, and in the future

everything will be fine?

45
A week passed, but she was still virgin. Both of them were ashamed to talk about it.

Daytime they pretended that everything was right.

After short and disappointing honeymoon Polina and Ivan returned back to live with

Maria. Maria and Polina got on well together, but Polina did not tell her, that she was

still virgin. She did not discuss it with her girlfriends either. Polina saw their envious

eyes, but what she could tell them? Every time she tried to talk about it with Ivan, he

would walk away.

It was a very busy time at University. Polina had to finish her last project to receive

a degree in chemistry, so she had to stay late in laboratory. Very often, when she

came home, Ivan was not there, and would appear about midnight. On her question,

where he was, he would answer, that he went to see his friend – single forty years old

woman with whom they worked together.

Ivan developed another strange habit, which Polina did not like – he used to call her

in a bathroom when he was having a shower, drag her in the bathtub under the

running water, and stick his penis in between Polina’s thighs. Then he would have

orgasm. It was his way of “making love”.

Polina had doubts about herself – what if something was wrong with her, that

intercourse was not possible.

46
Once, after six month living together, Polina gathered enough courage and told Ivan,

that he should go to see a doctor.

“Something is wrong with you-she said- we can not continue living like that.”

“Is it?” replied Ivan and walked away as usual.

Next day Polina left Ivan.

She had to go back to her parent’s place. It was no alternative in Soviet Union.

Divorce procedure was even easier than marriage. Polina applied to the government

office for divorce and soon received invitation to come there. Ivan received invitation

as well, but apparently decided not to come. So Polina was given divorce certificate,

and Ivan’s certificate was posted on his address.

So Polina was back living at home with her parents. It was apparent that things did

not change. Father was as rude and abusive with her as usual. Polina could not change

anything and tried to go out almost every evening and come back when he was

already asleep. But these behaviors invoke even more of his anger on her. He used

every opportunity to scold her.

Soon Polina graduated from University and started work in chemical laboratory,

doing research.

Once she had to go on conference to another town. It was a nice brake from living at

home with parents, who were controlling her every movement.

“We do not want you to bring us an illegitimate baby –it would be terrible shame on

our family we could not bare “ – they said to her.

47
On the conference Polina met young scientist from Ukraine. His name was Feodor.

He was a nice looking men in his late twenties with curly hear and big brown eyes. He

spoke Russian with soft Ukrainian accent. Polina saw that he liked her. On lectures

and workshops he tried to sit near her, and than they would have lunch in the canteen

together. Feodor was single, and Polina told him that she was divorced.

Once, during the lunch, Feodor said: “Polina, would you, please, have dinner with me

tonight? I know nice Georgian restaurant nearby – very good food and terrific

Georgian wines!”

Polina agreed.

Restaurant, called “ Kazbek”, was real Georgian treat. Beautiful Georgian landscapes

were painted on walls: big mountains cupped with snow, valleys with white houses,

fields and vineyards. Happy Georgians on the picture were engaged in their traditional

dance lezginka. Food and wine were really good. Polina saw that Feodor was really

attracted to her, and she, as well, had nice warm feelings towards him.

After Polina left Ivan, she thought about her virginity very often: probably it is

something wrong with her, that Ivan could not make love to her?

Those thoughts were bothering Polina a lot and she desperately wanted to prove

opposite. So this night it was a really good chance.

At the same time she was scared.

48
When Feodor invited her for cup of coffee in his hotel room, Polina agreed.

In his room in a hotel Feodor put brandy and biscuits on the little coffee table.

They sat opposite each other. Polina felt relaxed – probably because of wine she

drunk before in restaurant.

Feodor poured brandy in two little glasses.

They were sipping brandy talking about different things and laughing. It was that

kind of talk, when you do not have to go deeply into a topic, which gives you

opportunity to think about something else by the same time. The thought was going in

Polina’s head, making rounds and rounds again, that something important had to

happen to her but she did not care much about it. Polina already had two glasses of

wine in the restaurant, and after brandy she felt, that her head became light. She felt

gey and started to laugh. She did not know what she was laughing about. She was

just laughing and laughing.

Feodor got up and sat very close to Polina. After that he kissed her on her lips. She

kissed him back, and they had another glass of brandy. What had happened next,

Polina remembered like it was a dream. Bad dream.

It was Feodor , trying to push his penis in her and sudden sensation of a sharp pain.

Than she started vomiting violently, and poor Feodor was running around her with

hotel towels, mumbling: “You told you were married…”

So Polina became a woman. But she did not feel any different to the person she was a

day ago. All she felt was a heavy headache in the morning.

49
When Polina return home nothing changed for her. Father was as usually offensive:

she was his scapegoat. Paulina’s parents quarrel very often, and after that she had the

hardest times with her father. Mother made it even worse.

Once she told that she does not sleep with Paulina’s father. It was his “punishment”. It

only made his attacks on Polina more and more severe.

One night she woke up with feeling of the horror: Polina felt as her heart was going to

stop. Polina thought that she was dying.

The same night she was put in a hospital, but doctors came to agreement, that nothing

was wrong with her.

In a few days time Polina was back home, weak and sick. Most of the time she was

staying in bed. It was nervous break down. But despite her pitiful condition her father

did not have any compassion for her. He was angry and abrupt as usual and things

were going exactly the same way as before.

Little by little, in a two month’s time, Polina became better. Once, after a long break,

she was invited to the party. There she met three young engineers, who worked in one

of many secret plants. As they told her later, this particular plant was specializing in

production of parts for war aircrafts. One of the engineers, Sergey, had become her

boyfriend.

Sergey and his friends never talked about work. They usually spend time together

after work drinking vodka or wine. It was boring for Polina. She did not drink and

50
was not able to communicate with young men on the same level. Sometimes after

evening like that Sergey and her would go to the flat he lived with his mother, quietly

sneak to his room, where he tried to make love to her, but would fall asleep halfway,

because he was too tired and drunk.

Polina had to dress up and quietly make her way back on the dark streets and wait for

the bus to go home.

At home, as usual, father would meet her with angry face and storm of words:

“You are a prostitute, where you been – I am ashamed to be your father!”

Polina decided to part with Sergey. Once, when he walked her home after usual

drinking party and they stopped near Paulina’s door for the usual good-buy kiss, she

told Sergey, that they could not be together anymore. He was crying.

“Polina – he was muttering – please, do not leave me… I want to have son with

you..." and he was trying to kneel before her.

Polina was afraid that neighbors could see them. She could not tolerate of Sergey’s

drunk behavior any more. Pushing him away, saying “good buy, I have to go, have to

go…” she freed herself and closed door of her flat behind.

Polina met Victor during her staying in St.Petersburg, town called Leningrad that

time.

She was roaming streets of this beautiful city, looking at elegant architecture of

buildings, listening to echo of her steps in granite banks of canals.

51
Nights she was sleeping in rooms for travelers on railway station – only place she

could find to stay. There were approximately twenty women in the room, which

consisted only from rows of beds and nothing else. Toilet was at the end of a long

corridor. There was no shower. It did not bother Polina – she was lucky to find place

to stay in this glamorous city, which some people called Venice of the North.

One day she went to Hermitage. Before revolution it was Winter Palace of Russian

Tsars. Remarkable beauty of this place always exited Polina. Every time she was

there she wanted to write poetry.

Polina was walking from room to room, looking at famous paintings, statues. Even

walls and ceilings were pieces of art. Feelings of happiness and at the same time

sadness (because of coming winter) overwhelmed Polina. She loved autumn, loved

going for a walk through autumn streets covered entirely with golden and reddish

leafs, dreaming about the future.

One painting attracted her attention the most. It was Alfred Sisley’s “Banks of the

Seine at Saint-Mammes.” She was looking at dreamy town in France and thinking

how nice it would be to go to this place and stay there forever. But it was beyond

reach for her firstly because it was painted in 1884, and secondly because it was

France and Russians were not allowed to travel abroad. There were only a few happy

individuals, who after their trips kept silence about country they traveled to. So to

dream about traveling to France it was exactly the same for Polina as dreaming about

traveling in time. But she still fantasized being in France, were life seemed to her so

beautiful and free.

52
Polina watched all French movies ever screened in Russia and bought all records she

could find with French light music. She was listening to them nearly every day.

Polina knew that before revolution French language was official in Russia .

She would love to be born that time!

At school Polina was learning English language, which she liked as well, but it was

no point to be serious about languages in a country, where you are not allowed even

to speak to foreignness.

This French town on the painting with its Gothic architecture was so different to

Russian towns. The day it was painted was very sunny and cheerful. Sleepy river on

the front of the picture had vaguely reflected French sky, town, and boats…

“Would be nice to sit in that boat and row to Paris – cannot imagine how far it is…?”-

Polina heard men’s voice behind her.

She turned her head - a young man behind her was looking at Polina and smiling. He

was tall and slim, with curly dark hair and nice warm smile.

“ I would love it” – she smiled back to him.

It was Victor. They started talking and from this point walked from room to room of

Hermitage, more interested in each other than in paintings around them.

They spent all day together, and Polina felt like she knew Victor all her life.

Victor recently graduated from school of Biology and worked in Marine Laboratories.

He lived in a flat with his parents and was the only child in a family.

53
It was already after 10 in the evening when they came to the train station, where

Polina stayed for the night. Victor gave her his address and invited to come to his

place in the morning for coffer.

Polina liked Victor. It was somehow nice to think about him. In the morning she

took trolleybus which Victor told her to take. About half an hour it was circling

through the streets of the beautiful city. Polina got out of the bus at the station Victor

told her and easily found building he lived in.

It was one of these old and beautiful buildings Leningrad was famous for. Grey stone

building with oval windows on the bank of Neva river – one of those which was build

before Revolution.

She took lift to the six floor and pressed the bronze bell of a big caved wooden door.

Victor opened the door smiling and showing her in - it was inviting smell of coffer

coming from the kitchen. The flat was nice and big -with high ceilings and beautiful

plaster ornaments.

They went to the kitchen, where pot with coffer, cups and biscuits where served on

the table.

“My parents are at work – said Victor- and I have to go to work at midday “.

At first Polina felt awkward because she just met Victor and did not know him well

enough, but cup of coffer and his warm smile made her happy.

“Let me show you around – said Victor after they finished their coffer – we have got

very good paintings: my grandfather was a professional artist.”

54
He took her hand, and they went into big room, where all walls where covered in

paintings. They were really good –a lot of them had a river painted on them.

“There are banks of Neva river – granddad adored it” –Victor answered Polina’s

silent question. He still was holding her hand, getting closer to her.

She did not feel scared knowing what will happen next. Somehow she felt that it had

to happen between them and obeyed to destiny.

Victor kissed her, and it was a very sweet kiss. Polina wanted more and kissed him

back. Continuing kissing her, Victor was leading Polina to his room, where he gently

undressed her, kissing her breasts. Than he was making love to her, murmuring, “I

love you, I love you…” Polina did not feel any sexual sensations, but it felt very

pleasant to lie with Victor in bed, answering his kisses.

“I want to marry you” – he said suddenly.

She thought that it would be nice – Victor was pleasant to her, and she would escape

from her unfriendly family. Polina agreed.

Next day was Saturday and Polina was invited to have dinner with Victor’s family.

They tried to show her that she was welcomed to the family and on Monday Victor

and Polina went to registration office, where they were put in a queue for registration

day.

Victor and Polina were married on a beautiful sunny autumn day. They signed the

marriage book at registration office, kissed and had a traditional glass of champagne.

55
When they came back to Victor’s place group of his friends was waiting for them.

With difficulties all gathering fitted in a biggest room of the flat around borrowed

from neighbors’ tables.

On the tables there were a lot of nice foods prepared by Polina’s and Victor’s

mothers. Everyone was laughing and time to time someone was shouting

to Victor and Polina:

“Bitter!”

They had to stand up and kiss each other. It was old Russian wedding tradition.

Next day Polina’s parents went back to the town they lived, and she started her

married life, living in one flat with Victor’s parents.

In a few month time Victor found better paid job at Moscow University, school of

Biology, and they moved to Moscow.

Polina found job at University as well, working as research assistant in Chemistry

Department. She loved University – it was air of freedom there. She loved flexibility

of working hours; there were a lot of interesting people to talk to.

She could wear to work simple and comfortable clothes.

In Russia, especially Moscow, it was very important what you are wearing.

Coming to work, you usually assessed by hundreds of eyes – what are you dressed in,

what labels on your clothes (the more proud were those individuals, who had labels

attached to their clothes those of western countries) .

56
Some lucky (from Russian point of view) women had relatives, or husbands who

traveled abroad and could bring back nice clothes or “certificates” (government would

exchange foreign currency for those “certificates”, which were allowed to have only a

few people, who went abroad for work reason).

There where special shops for foreignness and Russians with “certificates”.

General population of Russian republics was not allowed in those shops – it was

always a “big guy” standing near the door, watching who is coming in the shop.

He could easily distinguish Russians among entering the shop people. He would stand

between the door and the shopper blocking the entrance and demand: “ Show me your

certificates !”

And if you had shown him “certificates” you were allowed in. But it was dangerous,

because he could ask where you got them from, and if you could not justify, that you

went abroad, or related to someone, who went for work reason there, you could be

arrested, taken to KGB, kicked out from work and many other unpleasant things could

happen to you and for person who sold them to you.

Polina have never been to such shop. Many times she walked past it trying to get a

quick glimpse of what is it inside through the window or open door. She could see

sometimes a raw of nice coats or sheepskins – to get one was her dream, especially

sheepskin. It looked so warm -would be nice to wear it during severe Russian winter.

57
Polina never had any clothes brought from abroad, so at work she was not respected

as much as people who were well dressed. But it did not bother her much.

Such little things as, for instance, sunny weather or somebody’s smile, always made

her happy.

Russians usually did not smile to each other - streets were full of grim-faced crowds.

People were always preoccupied with thoughts where to get food, or other goods. If

one could see something he needed in shops, to buy it he had to queue up for long

hours.

Paulina’s neighbors were high rank people, who used to travel abroad. For the past

five years they lived in America, where Vladimir, the husband, worked for the Soviet

embassy. After returning back, he worked in Ministry of Foreign Affaires. Vladimir

never talked to Victor or Polina, except usual morning greetings (without any smile

on his face).

His wife, Tania, was always dressed in nice American clothes, and all neighbors

envied her. She used to attract a lot of attention from people on a street.

Tania was quite friendly with Polina, popping in sometimes for cup of coffee to

Polina’s flat. Their children played together in a backyard and little by little Polina’s

family became quite friendly with their nomenclature neighbors. Occasionally they

would meet for dinner, or went to a restaurant together.

Soviet propaganda never persuaded Polina that life in Soviet Union was much better

than in other countries.

58
“But why we never allowed to go abroad to have a look ourselves?” – she thought.

She tried to ask a lot of questions about America, but Tania did not want to talk about

it. Once she told Polina, that she and Vladimir signed a paper which obliged them

never talk to people about real life in America.

“Everyone, who goes abroad, has to sign paper like that. Otherwise this person will

never leave Soviet Union”- she said.

Polina thought about it very often, and dissatisfaction with Soviet way of life grew in

her more and more.

Once Victor had brought home a book by Solgenizin “Arhipelag Gulag”. He told her,

that the colleague at work gave it to him. One had to trust person to give him

forbidden book like this. Victor and Polina felt proud that they were trusted, but by

the same time they were scared – if KGB found this book at their flat, they would be

punished like traitors, and punishment would be prison or camp somewhere in

Siberia.

But curiosity has won and Victor with Polina decided to read it. Truth they never

knew, shocked them. After this book came other books – they were written by former

Soviet citizens and published abroad. All those books where real eye opener for

Victor and Polina. They talked and talked about it every day. Why they were deprived

from freedom to know the facts and to judge themselves?

Victor came from Jewish family. A very thin stream of Jews – so called Jewish

emigration to Israel – was slowly flowing to Israel, to freedom.

59
It was a very hard way – people who prepared to do so would go through a lot of

rejection and contempt not only from authorities, but from ordinary citizens. They

were loosing friends and, very often, even relatives. Many would loose their jobs –

they were called “traitors”. But it was the only way to freedom.

Victor and Polina did not know what would happen to them after emigration, it was

like jumping in abyss, but they decided to try.

It was slight possibility they would be allowed to go, and they were willing to take

this chance.

To apply for emigration Victor had to have invitation from his relative in Israel.

As far as Victor knew, he did not have any. If his family even had relatives abroad,

communication with them was forbidden, and all contacts were lost.

This situation was well known in Israel, and on request kind citizens of Israel would

send invitation, pretending they are relatives.

Through friends Victor received invitation from” his aunt”. Now he and Polina had to

obtain papers from their parents, where they had to indicate that Victor and Polina had

no financial obligations to them. Plus the parents had to give permission to emigrate.

It was hard for Victor and Polina to talk to their parents about emigration, about desire

to leave country for good. All of them knew that they might never see each other

again.

So parents refused to give them required paper.

60
Victor and Polina did not want to sit and wait until their parents would change their

mind. They collected all documents except that one, which was refused to them and

Victor took thick envelope to emigration department.

A few days later Polina was invited to the head of Department where she worked. He

asked her to resign – University would not tolerate “traitor”.

A few days later Polina had resigned.

Victor was asked to resign as well, but he was firm in refusal to do it-family could not

survive without him working. So he was transferred to lower position – just

technician, but it was better than not to have any job. In Soviet Union was no Social

Security, and if people did not work, they would not have any money.

Now to leave country became Polina’s only desire. It was subject of their everyday

talks with Victor and new friends, who were people with the same goal. Many of

them received refusal and were going to reapply. They were determined to do it again

and again.

Polina was pregnant and full of hope to give birth to her first child abroad, where as

she heard woman were given pain relief injection if she wanted.

In Soviet Union such injections where not available, and Polina heard terrible stories

about maternity hospitals.

Nine month passed but they still have not heard from Emigration Department.

One night labor started and Polina had to go to maternity ward of the nearest hospital.

She was put in the dusky room together with the other women, who, as Polina, were

going through labor.

61
In this room she spent the most horrible twenty hours of her life – in awful pain and

neglected by nurses, who would not pay much attention to a few screaming women.

Nurses were sitting in adjacent room, eating and drinking tea. Polina could hear

them joking and laughing.

No relatives were allowed in maternity hospital, but bunch of screaming women were

so in need of help and support from their mothers, husbands.

In a few hours sounds of Polina’s screamings stopped reminding one of a human

being. Rather they were of a wild beast which was tortured in the forest. Finally one

of the nurses approached her.

She was holding greasy meat pie in her hand. With second hand she lifted scrunched,

wet sheet, which was covering Polina’s swollen belly, by the same time taking a big

bite from her pie.

Looking under the sheet she said in indifferent voice:

“You have to be more patient, you are not ready yet. Every woman goes through that

– you are not the first one!”

She dropped the sheet and went back to her room, where she continued started early

conversation.

“Why I am not dying? I can not bear it any more”!

This thought was going through Polina’s head again and again.

A few hours later, when pains became different, like someone was tearing her body

apart, the same nurse checked on her.

62
“Stand up and walk behind me -it is time to go to another room”-she ordered Polina .

Polina was amazed that she could stand up and walk on her shaking legs

to the table in another room.

She was lying on the table whining as a wild animal and crying.

Midwife was slowly putting rubber gloves on her hands in the opposite part of the

room. Than the same way, yawning, slowly walked towards the table were Polina was

writhing about.

“Stop screaming – she said with annoyance in her voice. You are not really a very

young girl. Behave yourself. You will awake up all hospital!”

While examining Polina she was muttering:

“They know how to make children. And then screaming!”

One hour later Anja was born. Nurse stick baby briefly to Polina’s nose and took it to

another room. Polina could hear baby’s cry, only cry in the sleeping building.

First few minutes after giving a birth she could not feel anything, just one thought-

horror of enormous suffering was behind her. Than feeling of absolute bliss and

happiness overwhelmed all her body. It was the strongest feeling she ever had –

felling of total and perfect love. Love to every being in the whole world, to every

thing.

Polina wanted to share it with everyone, with Victor. But he was not allowed in the

hospital.

Nurse brought a trolley and put it near the table where Polina gave a birth to her

daughter.

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Polina rolled to the trolley and was taken outside the room.

It was four o’clock in the morning. Corridors were dark and empty. There were a few

covered in vinyl wooden beds standing near walls. Nurse wheeled Polina to one of

them and rolled her strait on the cold vinyl. She pushed a metal bowl under Polina’s

buttocks for blood to drip in, and covered her with thin sheet. Without any words she

disappeared.

Polina was cold and edge of the metal bowl, which was put under her naked body to

collect blood, painfully edged in her spine. She was longing for cup of tea, but it was

no one around to ask.

Nine o’clock in the morning Polina was taken to the ward were given the proper bed.

Suddenly she heard Victor shouting her name from the street below. Slowly she got

up and walked to the window.

Together with all other husbands, he was standing far below under the window

(maternity ward was on the fifth’s floor). The window was open and women were

shouting to their husbands. It was the only way of communication with “outside

world”.

During feeding times babies were brought to the room on big trolleys, and nurse

would carry them to women’s beds - one baby in each hand. How Polina was afraid

that nurse would drop baby on the floor!

64
There were about twenty women in one room, some of beds joined together to allow

more space for doctors and nurses to move around.

Between feeding times, after nurse would collect all babies back on a huge trolley and

move them to baby’s room, women would queue up at the end of corridor to only one

public telephone available to them to talk to their husbands, mothers or friends.

Polina could see little streams of blood running down women’s legs – pads were not

allowed in maternity wards.

It was only one bathroom (never in use -some white clothes always soaked in the bath

tub) and two toilets for six big wards. None of the bleeding women even thought

about shower. Instead of it every morning nurse would come in the ward, saying

“Washing time!”

She would carry a big jug of water and a little basin.

Women would lie in beds, waiting. Nurse quickly inserts a basin under woman’s

buttocks, than pouring a little stream of water on genitalia, by the same time

holding long tweezers with piece of cotton squeezed in them, rubbing with this cotton

in between woman’s legs. Than nurse moves to the next woman to repeat whole

procedure. A smell of blood lingering in the ward all the time.

There were a lot of infections around affecting and mothers, and babies.

Polina was scared, that her newborn daughter will catch it. She was told once, that the

best for mother and for the baby to get out from the hospital as soon as possible.

Herself, she felt feverish, especially in the evenings. It was a standard procedure to

check temperature of all patients twice a day.

65
Before time when nurse comes to check everyone’s temperature, Polina would shake

thermometer, to lower reading. Women with elevated temperature stayed in hospital

longer and she was afraid, that it would happen to her.

Another obstacle on the way out was her baby daughter’s umbilical cord .They would

be let out only when it would dry and fell off.

But every day of staying increases chance of baby getting staphylococci infection.

On the fifth day in hospital, in the evening, Polina caught a nurse, who worked in the

baby’s ward.

“Could you do me a favor- she asked the nurse-to remove my baby’s umbilical cord?”

And Polina pushed in nurse’s hand some money.

Nurse did not said a word. She just nodded and disappeared in baby’s ward.

Fifteen minuets later she came back.

“Everything is fine –she said in a quiet voice –I twisted it, until it fell of. Any way, it

was nearly dry.”

Next day Polina and baby Anja were allowed to go home.

At home Polina felt more confident, safer. Now she could take shower and bathe her

baby. Everything she touched was clean, sterile. Her mother was helping daytime,

Victor after work.

It was a belief in Russia, that after giving a birth, woman should not make love for six

weeks. Victor and Polina tried to obey this rule, but one night, half asleep, Victor

started persistently stroke her body, fondling her breasts.

66
Polina gave in. She was surprised, how pleasurable her experience was, and she came

first time in her life.

“Now I am becoming a real woman” she thought.

Anja was two month, when Victor and Polina received refusal on their application

to emigrate. It was a blow for them– Polina could not stop crying. World crumbled

before her eyes.

So they became “refusnics” – people, who were separated from society: if they

worked, coworkers would not talk to them, and friends would walk away. People

around were too scared to keep relations with “traitors”.

Other “refusnics” were coming to Victor and Polina’s flat every evening – they drunk

tea together in tiny kitchen, discussing what they managed to hear nighttime on Radio

Freedom from Switzerland. It was hard to hear anything, sometimes only bits and

pieces of news, because Soviet Government blocked those and other similar radio

stations by overwriting their frequencies.

Or someone from their new friends would manage to get forbidden book, and

everyone would read it. Than all together they would discusses it.

Polina loved those kitchen discussions, but they were quite dangerous – if caught with

forbidden book, all party would end up in prison or camp.

According to rules Victor and Polina could reapply for emigration only in Israel in

half a year time, so they did as time passed.

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Anja was ten month, when Polina became pregnant again. She did not mind to have

second baby. She wanted to escape from reality of everyday life by keeping herself

occupied. All her aspirations now were directed towards emigration. Polina dreamed

that her second baby would be born free, in Western world.

Second refusal came not far before Stepan was born. Life was becoming more and

more difficult.

With little children Polina had to queue up for food. It was not enough money in a

family as well. Plus she did not have much of breast milk to feed Stepan, so Polina

had to boil oats and combine liquid obtained from squeezed boiled oats with boiled

milk. But baby would refuse to eat it .What she could do about it, if baby food was

not available in shops?

Now sex life almost did not exist for Victor and Polina: they were too busy, tied and

anxious about future.

Very important part of their life was support from friends, people with very uncertain

future, like them.

In the evenings, after dinner, Polina would go on darkened streets of Moscow walking

among the mass of tired and grim people. Moving with the crowd, she would enter

big multistory shops with hope to find suitable clothes, or to buy food.

Polina was dreaming about another life without queues, life, where everyone was able

to make decisions about how to live their lives, themselves.

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In two years time Victor and Polina received permission to leave Soviet Union. It

was hard to describe their happiness, and at the same time they felt fear before

unknown. In three weeks time after receiving permission, Victor, Polina, Anja and

Stepan took plane to Vienna, living behind wet faces of their friends.

Victor, Polina and their children were standing shocked in Vienna airport, waiting

for somebody to pick them up. Fifteen minutes later man in black suit approached

family. He asked if they were refugees from Moscow (how did he know?). He told

Victor and Polina to wait, where they were standing now, afraid to move. Now they

were in long awaited and forbidden world –what it will bring them?

Another man approached them, trying to say something in German, but they did not

understand a word. Men picked up their suitcases, giving sign to follow him.

Smiling, he put all family in a van, and off they went to streets of unknown and may

be dangerous world. All family stuck to windows, trying to see as much as possible.

Beautiful buildings and calm rhythm of city life stunned Victor and Polina.

According to Russian propaganda there must be demonstrations, shootings and

struggle. But all they saw was just normal everyday life –people walking on streets,

entering shops. Their faces were relaxed and cheery. Mothers with children were

peacefully playing in parks.

Polina caught a sight of old man – he smiled at her! She did not know what to do, if

she should smile back. And anyway, van moved quickly forward, and her attention

went to beautiful architecture of houses, to neat, clean streets.

69
The van stopped near old building with columns. Driver took family inside – it was

headquarters of Jewish organization, which was helping Jewish refugees.

After paperwork was finished and they were given some strange looking money to

buy some food, the same driver took them back to the van and drove to another old

house, where family were put in a big room with four beds.

In a few minutes time they were surrounded by Russian-speaking refugees

.Newcomers were offered chicken soup, some clothes. Victor and Polina felt warms

of friendship coming from people whom they never met before. They felt happy.

People from the hostel told them where to find supermarket – it was not far.

It was dark, when Victor and Polina decided to walk to the shop and buy some food.

They easily found supermarket and went in.

Polina would never forget the very first impression western supermarket made on her.

They were standing in the middle of it unable to understand what is lying on shelves

in all those beautiful packets. Polina felt paralyzed, unable to move. Tears were

pouring from her eyes. Victor took her hand, gently pulling towards shelves.

“Let us see, what other people are taking, we will do the same, should be all right…”-

he said.

They left supermarket with a bag of unknown food.

In their room, in hostel, Polina and Victor were marveling at colorful packages, trying

to understand what kind of food they bought.

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Their next-door neighbor, refugee from Ukraine, was laughing at them, educating

about supermarket food. He was living there for one month.

At night, when children went to bed, Polina and Victor still were sitting in the hostel’s

kitchen with other habitants of the refuge, talking about new life, which no one in this

kitchen knew, but heard from their relatives, who emigrated a few years ago and lived

in America.

It was after midnight, when they came to their room and tucked blankets under

sleeping children. Beds were very narrow, but Victor and Polina went in one bed.

They were lying, shoulder to shoulder, with open eyes.

“Victor- Polina whispered –I do not want to fell asleep, because I afraid to awake up

back in Soviet Union. What if everything we are experiencing now is a beautiful

dream?”

Next morning the same friendly driver, who brought them to hostel, appeared

again. He handed Victor a paper, where it was written in Russian language, that the

family have to leave hostel, because Polina was not Jewish. It meant that children

were not Jews according to Jewish belief, and family did not qualify for help from

Jewish organization.

Driver took them to another organization – International Rescue Committee.

They were put in a huge room in a hotel in the middle of Vienna.

Every day altogether, family walked the streets of that beautiful and amazing town,

their new world, which looked as it was a dream. They were marveling at beautiful

windows of shops but did not dare to enter them.

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Especially cake shops – something wonderful was lying on plates in windows and

Polina could look at this display for ages wondering what cakes made from and what

they would taste like but could not enter shop. She simply did not know how to ask

and than how to pay, or if she could spend any money, which International Rescue

Committee gave them, on cakes. They just could not comprehend value of the new

money.

In two weeks time family was transferred to Italy, where among other refugees from

Soviet Union they had to wait for visa to go to Australia.

Polina recalled that time as the happiest time in her life.

Italy was beautiful and sunny. Town they stayed was situated on the sea. Every

morning Victor, Polina and children would go to the beach. Children played in sand,

than all family would go for a swim.

For Polina that world was full of enchantment.

In the evenings she loved going for a walk on the main street of the city. Till eleven

o’clock in the evening all shops were open, streets full of happy beautifully dressed

people. Many of them were sitting outside of cafes- drinking coffee, wine, laughing.

Almost every weekend it was celebration or festival, and podiums for singers were

build on streets, and beautiful Italian songs filled the town.

In nine month time family received permission to live in Australia.

72
It was sunny autumn morning when plane touched ground of Sydney airport.

Victor and Polina did not know much about Australia. Soviet propaganda, which was

fierce towards America, kept quiet about this country on the opposite side of the

globe. All they could imagine about this land was warm weather and no real winter.

Polina hated Russian winter, with its constant cold weather and snow, which would

wrap landscapes of Russia for six long months, making them colorless and lifeless.

Polina thought about Australia as a dry red earth and kangaroos jumping around.

In airport they were picked up by driver from Red Cross, put in a van and driven to

the hostel for refugees.

On the way all family stuck to the windows, anxiously watching sceneries of their

new home. They saw green fields, a lot of trees and no kangaroos. When driver

brought them to hostel for refugees, they liked it strait way. It was situated among

beautiful green fields, very neat and clean. But there was no one to speak to, even in

their basic English: hostel was full of people of Asian background.

Despite Polina’s belief, based on Soviet propaganda, that it is not possible to find job

in western countries, she found job very quickly. She was very thankful to her new

homeland for that.

Situation with Victor was not as good as hers. He could not find job, and was

becoming more and more joyless. His eyes lost that spark, which she liked so much.

One of Russian friends gave Victor job: sales assistant in his second hand bookstore.

Victor did not enjoy this work, but it gave family some money. He kept applying for

different positions, but was unsuccessful.

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Polina and Victor did not make love as often, as before, and it became routine and

dull procedure. In the evenings Victor was watching TV till late, than ,usually, he

went go to bed and fell asleep strait away.

Polina found herself thinking about Kim more and more. She was longing for his

company when he was not at work, eagerly waiting for him to discuss latest news, or

what bothered her. His opinion was very important to Polina.

She felt unknown to her warm waves sweeping her body when he was approaching

her in the laboratory.

One morning she entered laboratory - Kim was standing with his back to the door. He

could not see Polina, but suddenly he said in a very warm voice “Good morning,

Polina.”

She understood that she has got a very close and special friend. At the back of her

mind, not even realizing it, she was longing for father.

Polina’s relation with her father was very sad:

he was unfair and very unkind to her. So subconsciously she was looking for father in

every man she had close relationship with. It was something fatherly in Kim’s

approach to her. Polina just liked to be with Kim.

74
He helped her a great deal in her work; Polina did not have even to ask about it. Kim

was always around, always knew her needs.

Professor Lambert asked Polina to help Rena with her project, and Polina was making

new solutions and building new apparatus for Rena. Kim was helping her in between

his lectures.

It was Australian winter - cool nights and mornings. It was cold in Polina’s

laboratory. In her little office she had oil heater, which was very useful, keeping little

room warm.

One morning Polina came to work early than usual – she had to work on special

project for Rena. It was cold and she switched heater on.

She needed Kim’s advice how to start on project. So Polina called him.

Kim was in his office: “I will be with you in a second”- was his reply.

In a five minutes time Kim entered her room, rubbing his hands.

It was something special in the way he was looking at Polina. She felt

fatherly care and tenderness in his eyes.

“My hands very cold, but heart is hot” – he joked.

“Cannot start work – my fingers absolutely frozen”- he added.

Polina touched his hand and he grabbed her fingers and would not let them go, as he

just could not separate his hand from hers.

Polina would not mind it at all; she just felt scared and by the same time very exited.

75
She did not know how it happened, but the next thing she felt his kiss on her forehead,

then cheek, than another cheek. He put one hand around her shoulders, another hand –

around her waist and she felt warms and strength of his chest.

Kim’s kisses were so tender and Polina was answering him with gentle kisses on his

cheeks. It felt as somebody else, not her, doing it, and as Polina was just observer. She

could not comprehend, what is going on, but it felt like it was in a dream. Nice and

happy dream.

“You are the nicest person I ever met “– Polina said suddenly just because she was

too embarrassed by this situation and felt that the sound of her voice would wake

them up from beautiful dream and help to return to the normal working state of mind.

Kim did not answer – he smiled and kissed her lips – slightly and gently.

It was very pleasant and she answered with long kiss on his lips. Polina did not know

how much time passed, she worried - what if someone will open the door, but she

wanted to stay in his hands.

“You are beautiful…” whispered Kim, tightening his hands around her.

They heard sound or steps as someone was passing the door of her office.

Kim loosened his grip and said: “Let us do some work”.

Without discussing what just happened between them, Polina and Kim started

working on Rena’s project, talking about work, embarrassed to look at each other.

At lunch Polina was sitting near her table in her little office with sandwich and cup of

coffer when Kim entered with gentle knock on the door.

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“May I join you for lunch?”- his eyes were dark blue and shiny.

Polina made cup of coffer for him. A few minutes they were sitting in silence.

“You know, Polina, that I am a married man – said Kim –but I and my wife have got

platonic relationship. It means we do not sleep with each other already for six years.

From the beginning our sex life was not good. Before marriage Matilda, my wife, and

I went together for five years, and she would hardly allow me to kiss her. After a date

with her I would walk her home, missing the latest bus, and she would never ask how

I would get back home. I had to walk miles and miles in darkness. Eventually I

realized that our relationship would not work out, and decided to tell her that.

One morning I was going to call Matilda to tell about my decision to break up with

her, as she called me herself to say, that her mother had died that night. She lived

with her mother – father died long time ago. She did not have anyone and was left by

herself in the house. She was unhappy and needed my care. I could not say anything

to her.

I thought after marriage Matilda would change to better, but she stayed cold and

selfish. First time I made love to her on the wedding night - she was not responsive at

all and strait way after turned her back on me.

She always kept me sexually hungry for weeks, saying: “we will do it when you finish

painting this fence”. Or she would find something else she wanted me to do, and sex

would be the “carrot” she dragged in front of me. Sex always was prize for some kind

of job I had to do at home.

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As years went by it was harder and harder to please Matilda, and I did not want to

make love to her any more. This part of our life never bothered her any way. She

always had excuse not to do it – headache, fertile time of her menstrual cycle or

something else. And what is left from our marriage - her constant nagging. She is

never happy with what we have got and wants more and more.”

“Why you did not leave her?” –Polina asked.

“Once I was about to do it, but she became sick. And than I was always thinking, that

it would be hard on our children. Especially on our eldest daughter – she is disabled.

Our second daughter married and lives in Melbourne with husband and two little

children aged five and three. I love my grandchildren, and if I would walk away from

Matilda, I would not see them. Matilda such a loudmouth!

And church, we are going every Sunday. We have got a lot of friends there, and I

would never be forgiven.”

“Why you wanted to be forgiven “-this thought flushed across of Polina’s mind, but

she did not say anything.

Polina felt, that she just wanted to be friend to Kim, and decided that she would not

kiss him again. What had happened between them- she was thinking- was just a

minute of weakness, just accidental fluctuation of feelings, which will go away to-

morrow, and life will be the same as usual. And they certainly are going to be great

friends.

“We are going to be really great friends “– Polina repeated her thoughts loudly.

Kim smiled at her, a little bit confused, but his big blue eyes were open to her to see

what is inside of their depth.

78
“I have to go; I am a few minutes late for my lecture- nearly forgot about it”.

It looked like ripples covered two big blue lakes of Kim’s eyes. “See you to-morrow.”

He hurried to the door. He smiled to her again before closing the door.

The rest of the day Polina had nice feeling of warms around her. She wanted to sing,

and she was singing when she worked by herself in laboratory. Definitely something

nice happened to her - if she wants to acknowledge it or not.

Polina did not think seriously about what had happened between Kim and her; she just

was bathing in rays of Kim’s eyes, as he still was at present in her little office.

Next morning Polina was preparing solutions for the afternoon class, as Kim entered

room.

“Good morning Polina – Kim was approaching her –how are you?”

Only Kim could pronounce it with such a joy and beautiful melody in his voice: h-o-

w-w are y-o-u-u?

“I am well “- was her reply as she was putting a chair between her and Kim.

“No more kisses” – Polina thought.

“ I have brought some pictures of my family to show to you” – Kim put a packet of

photos on the bench, and Polina had to go out of my barricade to look at them. They

were pictures of Kim’s daughters. Polina could see that one of them had this childish

and yet adult look and she guessed that it was the eldest, with was sick mentally.

Polina remembered that Kim said about his eldest daughter – she was mentally

disabled. Then were photographs of Kim with his grandchildren – he had a very

happy face, carrying them on his shoulders.

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On one of pictures she spotted a very big woman standing near Kim’s car. She was

wearing dress with big flowers, which was making her even bigger, and had a very

short white curly hear.

“This is my wife, Matilda”- said Kim quietly.

Matilda looked much older than Kim did. In contrast to Kim’s open big blue eyes, she

had small narrow dark eyes and rigid expression on her face.

Kim and Polina were standing shoulder-to-shoulder looking at photographs,

moving closer and closer to each other, as two magnets were inserted in their

shoulders. Kim put his hand around her waist. He was gently pulling all her body

towards his chest passionately kissing her lips. Polina’s decision to be only “friends”

melted away. She felt week, light in a head, happy and did not want to be strong.

Polina sensed hardened Kim’s penis, which he tried to keep away from her by

bending outwards. She was thankful to him for that.

She heard as someone entered laboratory, but could not see who it was, as they were

standing in her little office. Embarrassed, they quickly moved away from each other,

trying to find topic for conversation, talking loudly about work.

Professor Paul Lambert entered Polina’s little room greeting them.

“Hello, Paul, how are you to day? “ – said Kim with usual smile on his face, and

Polina’s feeling of embarrassment had dissipated.

As usual, Lambert sat in the chair he always was sitting when he was in laboratory.

The chair was deep and comfortable. For a minute he was watching as Kim and

Polina were working, than he asked:

80
“Did you see Rena to day? She wanted me to check papers with her speech – she is

going on conference next week”.

It was teatime, and Kim made four cups of tea. He pointed on the extra one:

“This one is for Rena”- explained Kim.

Polina noticed before, that Kim always was making tea and coffee for Rena, or if

there was a party in laboratory, Kim would ask everyone not to start it until Rena

comes. It did not touch Polina before, but now she was overwhelmed with some

unpleasant feeling. She did not feel bouts of jealousy, but a very light prick. And sure,

in a minute she heard Rena’s voice:”Good morning everyone!”

As usual she was wearing a very short skirt, her long golden-blond hair were loose

and beautifully shining in background of grey laboratory walls.

She sat relaxed and comfortable in front of Paul, crossed her long strong legs and

smiled to Paul and Kim. Slightly nodded to Polina.

“You know, that it is our usual get together time. Where we are going this time?

-Rena said – let us go to Chinese Yam Cha? For instance I have heard Chopsticks

restaurant are doing good Yam Cha”.

It was decided that everyone will bring family members, and it will be Sunday lunch

at Chopsticks.

Polina was exited to go out for lunch together with people she liked and to get

acquainted with their families, with Kim’s wife.

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On Sunday morning Polina woke up with feelings of happiness and excitement: they

were going for lunch with people from her work, Kim will be there and she wanted to

look beautiful. Polina spent more time thinking, what she was going to wear and has

chosen nice top with small green flowers and black skirt – she liked black skirts,

because she thought that she look slimer in them.

Victor took Anja and Stepan to the house of their friends who had children the same

age and they liked playing together.

When Victor and Polina entered restaurant, among many big round tables they

spotted one, where a few people from Polina’s work were sitting.

There were Paul with his wife, Rena with her boyfriend, Trevor with wife and their

two years old son. Polina introduced Victor to people he did not meet before and very

soon they were engaged in a friendly chat.

Paul’s wife, Betty, was colorless as Paul – with blondish- grayish short hair and

watery bluish eyes. She was sitting quietly in a shade of her husband, rarely dropping

a word. Polina could read it in Betty’s eyes that she was a very confident woman.

Polina admired people like that, because herself she was not confident person at all.

Attention of everyone at the table was drawn to Paul and Rena – they discussed

something –Polina could not understand yet what it was about – and laughed loudly.

Rena’s boyfriend laughed as well – he was sitting inactively near Rena listening but

not playing part in conversation.

Polina was sitting near Trevor , but could not engage herself in a chat, does not matter

how hard she tried: she was nervously waiting for Kim and his wife.

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In a few minutes Ron with his wife joined them and sat near Victor. Polina heard Ron

asking Victor questions about Russia, but she could not participate in their talk, as she

was keeping eye on entrance.

Polina recognized Matilda strait away when she and Kim behind her entered

restaurant. She looked exactly as Polina imagined her after seeing Kim’s family

photo. She was a big woman, wearing pleated blue skirt in big red flowers and puffy

white jumper with short sleeves, which shown her big whitely – bluish freckled arms.

Skin of her face and arms was wrinkled, dry. She had short very curly permed white

-yellowish hair.

Kim introduced Matilda to Victor and Polina, and they sat opposite them.

Polina could see that Kim had chosen this seat for purpose to see her.

She was pleased and happy. During the lunch, while Polina was talking to different

people, she felt as Kim’s eyes all the time were returning to her face. She felt his

constant attention. They did not speak much to each other, but there was this constant

connection between them.

On Monday morning, when Polina entered her little office, she saw a big glass beaker

on her desk with beautiful red roses in it. Her heart started beating fast -of course it

was Kim. Who else could bring her red roses?

She run towards her table and deepened her face in roses, kissing them and breathing

in their fragrance. Those roses brought unknown feelings to her – Victor never gave

her roses, or any other flowers. She felt, with every gasp of flower’s scent, that as she

inhales beauty of red rose, she, as well, was becoming beautiful and special.

83
Door opened – Polina knew that it was Kim. They rushed towards each other. Kiss

was very long and sweet. They were like two thirsty people who were longing for

water for so long and finally found the well and could not quench their thirst. Polina

and Kim stopped for a second to get their breath back, but their lips where like two

magnets –stuck together again.

“I could of stayed here all day with you!– whispered Kim – would you ever make

love to me?”

Polina did not know what to answer – she had mixed feelings about it. She was not

unfaithful to Victor before. Polina felt that she was not ready yet, that she did not

want to go further than nice kisses, but attraction to Kim was so strong, and she

believed him entirely, with all her heart. Polina felt that she needs him.

“Yes, Kim” – all she said.

His hug became tighter. And then he let her go.

“My lecture starts in fifteen minutes, I have to go, darling” and Kim disappeared in

the door.

When at lunch time Polina entered laboratory, first thing she saw was happy Kim’s

face. He was chatting with Rena, they were sitting very close to each other at the table

with sandwiches in their hands.

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Polina tried not to show that she was upset. She sat at the table where Kim and Rena

were sitting for a wile, but they did not pay much attention to her, discussing latest

school’s news. Polina quickly finished her lunch and went for a walk on University

campus. She felt upset and disoriented. And plus she was angry with herself, with her

jealousy. Kim was a free man to do what he felt right to do!

The rest of her working hours she was very busy, preparing evening class for students.

When Polina saw Kim and Ron engaged in discussion, she tried not to look at them,

keeping herself occupied in opposite to them part of the laboratory.

Next morning Kim entered her room.

“How are you, Polina? –he asked in his beautiful melodic voice - let us have cup of

tea?”

Polina nodded. Kim made tea. It was quiet in the building yet –Kim and Polina

usually were coming to work about eight in the morning. All other staff and students

generally started about nine.

Sipping tea they were looking at each other in silence. Polina was thinking about

Kim’s close relationship with Rena. How he makes tea for her all the time. Polina was

jealous.

“He is too close to her” –she thought.

Kim, as he understood what Polina was thinking about, said:

“Polina, if you only knew, how little people need to produce a rumor, which could

have devastating effect. I am trying to preserve our relationship; I do not want anyone

to notice anything about us. So I may appear a little bit ignorant of you when other

people are around us.”

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Polina did not say anything. She was so thankful to him that he said that. And when

Kim put his cup on the bench, walked to her chair, bent and kissed her lips, she was

the happiest person on the earth!

It was beginning of December, and Christmas parties started one after another in all

laboratories.

Polina received invitation on “ girls night out” with secretaries of the Chemistry

department. She did not drive and lived very far, and it was decided that after

restaurant she would stay at June’s house.

On one of hot evenings June, Janet, Lorna and Polina went to restaurant. It was very

ordinary place without any fancy decorations and fully packed with people. While

they were having dinner , on the stage in the corner band was playing something from

sixties. Music was so loud that Polina could barely hear women talking between each

other. Time to time they addressed something to her, but it was hard to understand

what they were saying. Plus Polina did not want to talk. She was imagining Kim and

her sitting at the table there. She was almost hearing his voice, feeling his dry and

warm big hand covering hers.

After dinner June and Polina said good buy to others and left. June drove Polina to her

house. They had cup of tea and June showed Polina to a small bedroom, where bed

was prepared for her.

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Polina did not have pajamas with her and any way night was so humid, that she

undressed completely and lied under thin sheet.

Despite late hours she could not sleep , thinking about Kim, how she would like him

to be together with her now, in this bed. Polina was longing for him. She felt a little

bit annoyed with his constant fear of their relationship being exposed. He was too

protective, too careful.

All they had – a lot of kisses in Polina’s office, but nothing beyond that brief and full

of nervousness of being discovered meetings. Kim seemed was not in a great hurry to

organize place for them to meet somewhere, where they could let their feelings free to

make love to each other without fear!

Next morning after the breakfast June and Polina went to work. It was quiet at

University: it was exam time and there were no lectures. Polina had to put away all

experiments, which belonged to first half of the year and prepare new ones for the

second part of the year. She had to make sure that it is enough chemicals and

glassware, help Rena and Trevor with their routine research.

Little door to a dark room near Polina’s laboratory was open and she could see Ron

there making different shapes from glass. He had a gas burner in his right hand and in

the left hand he was holding a glass tube. He was blowing in this tube, working with

burner, and different shapes were coming out of the tube.

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It was skillful and beautiful job, and she stood fascinated by Ron’s work.

Ron noticed Polina. He switched burner off and put it on the bench.

“Good morning. How are you, Polina? Did you go with girls yesterday to restaurant?”

Polina described Ron last night outing with secretaries and how much she enjoyed it.

Suddenly Ron told, looking strait in her eyes:

“ I am sorry that I told you before not to have tea with secretaries in academic’s tea

room. It definitely in benefit for you – you can learn something new. Another thing –

I noticed you look so stressed and worried sometimes –do not worry much. Nothing

in this life worth to worry about.”

He was laughing and Polina was laughing with him, relieved.

It was sunny and warm day, and Kim suggested going for lunch in a park.

At midday they took sandwiches and Kim drove to the park, which was divided in the

middle by beautiful river.

They went out of the car and Kim was leading Polina to the bank of the river, where

they decided to have lunch.

They were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder, eating sandwiches. Warms of Kim’s body

made Polina very calm. She felt magic of this moment. Water was still as a mirror.

Big trees reflected in a quiet river, and ducks were swimming slowly, like they did not

want to spoil scenery with haste movements. It was so beautiful and peaceful around,

that Kim and Polina, after they finished their sandwiches, were quietly sitting

enjoying moments together in these splendid surrounding. They were unable to move.

88
Polina felt like powerful force was pulling her towards Kim. She tried to resist this

force– there where a few people walking not far from place they were sitting. But she

felt Kim’s hand on her shoulder powerfully drawing Polina towards his warm body.

Polina was longing for Kim’s kiss! Their lips found each other and kiss was long and

sweet. Polina knew that she will never forget this moment.

It seemed they were glued to each other and could not separate.

When two lovers stopped to gasp for a breath and looked around they saw a boat

passing by. There were people standing on the deck making photographs .

Polina noticed that a few of them were looking at them.

Kim jumped on his feet: “Let us go, Polina”.

His face was red from embarrassment.

Polina felt sad that it had to be like that. She felt so great in his hands!

Coming back from the lunch in the park Kim stopped car near back door of

department where they worked.

“You go first. I will park the car and will come later.”-he said to Polina.

She understood that he did not want people in laboratory to see that they are coming

from the lunch together. Polina believed Kim that this way was the best for them.

When Polina was coming back to laboratory she was stopped by June. She was very

exited: her daughter was going to be married and Polina with Victor were invited to

the wedding.

When Polina entered laboratory, Kim and Rena were happily chatting, sitting with

cups of coffer in their hands. Kim did not turn his head towards Polina, but Rena said:

89
“ It is going to be Christmas party this afternoon in NMR research laboratory -starts

four o’clock. Are you coming?”

Polina nodded and started her work on the bench in the far corner of laboratory. Soon

she heard that Kim and Rena left the room.

At four o’clock Polina went to research laboratory mentioned by Rena. Room was full

of people. They were talking to each other, laughing. Some of them had beer or

glasses with Champaign in their hands. Secretaries, June, Janet and Lorna, were

sitting on chairs near the wall, holding little paper plates with nibbles and chatting

between each other.

Polina noticed professors James Johnson and Paul Lambert were standing in the

corner sipping Champaign. She knew a few other people- lecturers and tutors.

Everyone was time to time moving towards big long table in the middle of the room,

covered with plates of nice nibbles, pies, sweets and cakes. Christmas decorations

were hanging from walls and selling. Atmosphere was happy, but Polina did not feel

like Christmas, which she always associated with snow. Plus it was very hot and

humid in the room – usual Sydney’s summer weather.

Ron with bottle of Champaign in one hand and glass in another approached her.

“Do you want some bubbly?” – he asked smiling.

Yes, she wanted a drink. Champaign was nice and cold. Polina felt as all this bubbles

from the glass started running around her body, making her relaxed and happy.

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Polina was talking to Ron, as she saw Kim and Rena entering the room. Rena looked

stunning in her short black skirt and pink top. Her golden long hairs were scattered

freely around her shoulders.

She stopped not far from the table with food, greeting everyone with confident smile.

Kim harried to the table, poured glass of Champaign and offered it to Rena. Than he

went back to collect some nibbles for her.

He did not approach Polina, just sent her a smile from the distance.

She felt hurt. Why Kim behaved like that? Why he was always around Rena? Polina

was trying to keep conversation with Ron, but her eyes were returning all the time to

Kim and Rena. She could hardly understand what Ron was saying to her.

She felt upset, and decided to go back to her little office.

In empty laboratory Polina was trying to continue work she was doing before, but all

her thoughts were at the party, reassessing situation – probably she was not right and

Kim did not flirt with Rena and they just friends?

Polina decided that she should not show Kim her jealousy. She would not talk about

it, and cope with her feelings herself.

Polina was ready to go home, when Kim entered laboratory. Strait way she found

herself in his strong hands. He kissed her, and she understood that she did not need

anything else in her life. Her worries had disappeared.

Next morning Polina found ten red roses on her table. Her heart was beating fast –

“dear Kim, thank you for thinking about me, thank you for warms and happiness in

my life” –was throbbing in her mind.

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Soon Kim was in her room – she kissed him first- “thank you for the roses…”

“Polina, I am madly in love with you…” -Kim was muttering. His kisses were

becoming more and more hot, his hands were caressing her neck, breasts.

He was gently pushing her to the bench. His hot hand were under her skirt, pulling

underpants down.

Polina was overwhelmed with desire. She never wanted man so much, as she wanted

Kim. Her sex life with Victor was so colorless, so dull. It was like that from the

beginning. Victor never was passionate. He was making love just like mechanical toy.

For years he did not kiss Polina, if he ever did, it was just a peck in a cheek.

But fear that someone could enter the room and see them like that was stronger, than

her longing.

Polina freed herself from Kim’s hands, pulling skirt down and tiding up her hair,

saying: “Darling, it is time to do some work.”

All day she was thinking about Kim, aching for him. Polina wanted to make love to

him, to experience this highest pleasure in the world - to become one with man she

loved.

It was a student holiday time, and corridors of department were empty. To the end of

the working day the last person, who worked at the end of corridor where her

laboratory was, – Ron, said, “Good buy”, and disappeared.

Polina wanted to see Kim right now.

“I hope he is here” she was thinking nervously pressing telephone buttons.

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Relieved, she heard Kim’s “Yes?”

“Kim, can you come here, please?” –Polina said.

“I will be with you in a minute”.

When Kim entered room, Polina was making two cups of coffer – she knew Kim

would never refuse to have one.

They were sitting in front of each other sipping from their mugs. Conversation did not

flow well. Polina could think only about one thing -making love to Kim.

Kim put his cup on the bench, moved his chair closer to Polina and put his hand on

her thigh. She put her cup on the table, learned forward and kissed him.

Than Polina run to the door and locked it.

She sat on the bench and stretched her hands towards Kim. Kiss was hot and long. He

was kissing Polina without stopping – in lips, neck, than, undoing buttons of her shirt,

in each breast. She pulled skirt up, quickly getting rid of underpants. Kim moved

between her knees, undoing trousers.

Polina felt as he entered her, but very quickly everything stopped.

They tidied up their clothes and sat opposite each other on chairs.

“ Polina –Kim was looking at her with his big shiny blue eyes – sorry for what has

happened, but I did not make love for six years. I just got tied of asking Matilda for

this favor. I thought all women are the same as Matilda, but you are so different.”

“I brought up in a country, where it is obligation of marriage – satisfy your husband! “

-laughed Polina.

She felt happy. Finally “it” had happened between them!

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On the way home on the bus she was quietly singing Russian song again and again:

“If I could make a song

About you, about spring,

And no one will guess

That it is about you I sing…”

Polina glanced down on her light blue skirt and she saw a few spots – they were not

there during the day.

“Kim left them there – she guessed – it is his sperm!”

This thought made Polina very happy –it is part of Kim with her now! She put her

hand over sports. Probably she was imagining that, but under her hand it felt warmer

than over other parts of material.

At home Polina did not change her clothes even when in the evening Victor and her

took Anja , Stepan and all of them went to the friend’s house for cup of tea.

Polina was smiling all the time, and when she was talking to other people, Kim was

always at the back of her mind.

Next day was Sunday and in the morning Polina went for a walk– Victor was not a

keen walker, he liked to sleep in on weekend mornings.

94
Polina went to the beach; it was warm and calm morning. Walking barefoot on the

damp sand she felt happy to be alone, to think about Kim without interruptions, and

sing the same song, which she was singing on the bus on the way home on Friday.

On Monday morning Polina found ten red roses on her laboratory table.

Surely Kim appeared very soon. They kissed. It was long hungry kiss. When they

stopped to take a breath, Kim told:

“All weekend I thought: monday will come soon, and I will see Polina again!

This thought kept me happy all the time.”

“Me too! – Polina said – I think it is time to start working day. I have got a few

questions to ask you.”

Polina took her note book from the draw of her desk, and they started to discuss future

work for student classes, and what currently has to be done to support PHD projects

of Rena and Trevor.

“Hello everyone!” –Trevor entered laboratory. He did not come in often. He lived far

away from University, one and half hours drive, plus two little children to care for.

His wife was a nurse and was working nights, so she had to sleep during the day.

Kim’s face had changed again. Soft radiant expression disappeared - lips became

tight. For Polina it looked like he pulled curtains down his face.

They worked in silence. Close to tea time Rena and Professor Paul Lambert joined

them.

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They where talking about Rena’s thesis– in the morning Paul was reading a chapter

from them.

“So, Doctor Rena Bach -he started very seriously, but when he saw surprised faces of

Rena and other people in laboratory, he cracked laughing –just practicing! “

Everyone was laughing. Kim was making tea for Paul, Rena and Polina.

With mugs of tea they were sitting around black long table at the end of laboratory –

their usual place during teatime.

Polina did not feel relaxed and confident in Rena’s present. She felt inferior – she

could not talk freely as Rena did. Polina loved jokes, but by the time she would put

words together – right moment for a jock had gone, living her disappointed.

Someone knocked on the door, and woman appeared in opening.

“Can I see Professor Lambert? –she asked- Or, sorry, I will come later, it is your tea

time.”

“No, no you’re welcome to come in - said Paul -how can I help you? Sit down,

please!”

Kim brought the chair, and the woman sat opposite Paul. She was in her late thirties,

very nice looking with slightly wavy black hair, tied behind in ponytail. Her skin was

white, it looked even whiter especially in contrast with her black hair, and she had

nice greenish –brownish eyes.

“My name is Rita Rockliff” – she said, looking at Paul. Her voice was quiet, but

confident.

“I started my PhD thesis two years ago, but birth of my children interrupted my plans.

And I am really keen to continue my work now. I just wander, if could do it with

you?”

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“Do you have any research papers, what you been working on? And, by the way, how

old are you children now?”- asked Paul, smiling.

“Yes, a have got first chapter of my project with me – Rita was looking through her

briefcase – I have got daughter, three and half years old, and son – two years old.”

Smiling back, she handed Paul papers, and while he was looking at them, Rita was

friendly chatting with Kim and Rena.

Polina admired her strait away for free and natural way to approach people she did not

know; for beautiful, open, without any shyness, smile.

“It will be fine - said Paul, who finished with papers and was looking at Rita- we must

meet in my office and talk about it further, to make plans. I am free to-morrow

between ten and eleven in the morning, can you come?”

“It suits me fine, thank you very much!” said Rita.

And she left, smiling to everyone.

Telephone rang. Kim rushed to answer.

“Paul, it is for you, Betty”

Paul left to far corner of laboratory to talk on telephone. Everyone could hear his quiet

voice. Time to time, they could recognize him saying, “I am sorry, dear, but I have to

go. I will be at home at a right time”.

“Poor Paul – Kim said to Polina in a very quiet voice – Betty always checks on him.

She calls approximately ten times a day”.

“Why she does it – Polina asked – if she has got a reason?”

“I do not know any”- Kim shrugged his shoulders.

97
 Summer with it hot days went quickly. It was getting dark very early; Polina liked

winter weather in Sydney – no hit, just gentle warms. Nights were sometimes cold

and damp, but after Russia’s cold winters, Australian winter reminded her Russian

autumn, which she liked very much.

Early darkness use to bring her light bittersweet melancholy: another beautiful day

has gone and she had to go home.

Of course Polina missed company of Anja and Stepan, but when every day after work

she saw lifeless face of Victor, sitting and waiting for her in the car ( he had dull face

without any emotions) she wanted evening and night to pass very quickly, enable her

to be back at the University.

It was time of the year, when evening classes started. Classes were organized for

students, who worked daytime, so they could come to laboratory in the evening.

Polina had to support these laboratory classes. It was quite tiring to work all day long

and after a short break work in the evening. But she knew that Kim would be teaching

students of evening classes.

First day of evening classes fell on Kim’s birthday and Polina had decided to surprise

him after work with short celebration. In a lunch break she went to the shopping

center and bought a small bottle of sweet wine, nice cheese and chocolates. She felt

so happy – they will be together after classes. Polina knew, it could be only for a short

time, but she was nearly dancing, walking back.

Kim was in his office, when Polina walked in.

“Happy birthday! – she saw his eyes started to shine towards her –Can you, please,

come to my room after classes, please, just for ten minutes!”

98
He was silent for a few seconds.

Of course, Matilda was waiting for him tonight, Polina guessed.

Polina knew, that Kim’s family celebration was scheduled on Sunday, but probably

his wife was cooking a special dinner for him to night.

“Thank you, my love – said Kim quietly- I will be there”.

It seemed to her that afternoon was dragging too long. Kim was answering student’s

never ending questions, and Polina had to go numerous times to the storage room to

get more chemicals and beakers. At the end of classes students run out of liquid

nitrogen and she had to carry a trolley with an empty bottle to the big tank of liquid

nitrogen to fill it.

When classes finished Polina was back in her room to prepare little celebration. She

put on the bench bottle of port wine, little plate with cheese, crackers and two small

beakers – they will do the job of wineglasses.

Kim knocked on the door – he always knocked before entering room.

“Came in!” – Polina said .

“Let us celebrate “– she added when Kim entered, looking at her with usual sparkles

in his eyes.

They sat on two office vinyl chairs and Polina opened the bottle and poured wine in

the beakers.

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Wine was sweet and very tasty – Polina felt so happy and over flown with love, that

wished this moment would last forever.

Polina and Kim rushed to each other. Kiss was hot and long. They could not stop

kissing. Kim’s lips were moving from Polina’s lips to her chicks, then neck, ear and

back to her lips, greedily sucking them in.

With his hands he was caressing her breasts, and she felt that she want him so much

as she never wanted anyone else.

Polina run to the door - no one was in empty corridor, but she locked it.

It seemed to her that time stopped, and only two of them existed in the whole world.

Kim was undoing buttons on her blouse and his shirt and Polina pushed her bra up.

She wanted to touch his chest with her breasts and when Kim was caressing them it

was giving her unspeakable pleasure.

Kim pushed a zip on his trousers down and Polina’s hand went in it and found his stiff

penis. She was caressing it, which gave her even more pleasure.

Slowly, kissing, they moved to the black vinyl chair and Kim sat on it.

He undid hid belt, and his penis was pointing up. Polina quickly got read of her

stockings and underpants and sat on the top of Kim’s laps, helping his penis in her

vagina. Kim was kissing and sucking her breasts and she never felt sexual pleasure so

intense, and as she came she exhaled loudly, uncontrollably.

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Kim came nearly the same moment as Polina did, and both of them were smiling

happily to each other. They were not ashamed with what happened between them a

few minutes ago. They felt that it was pure and beautiful.

Then like cloud covered Kim’s face.

“I have to run” – he said looking at his watch.

They dressed in silence; Kim kissed Polina “good bye” and left.

Next morning Polina found ten red roses in a big beaker on her table.

Kim was there, making tea. His eyes were looking with love at her.

For a minute they sipped tea in silence. Than Kim said:

“When I am going to buy roses for you in the morning, and streets half empty yet, I

am walking and thinking about you. It seems to me, that we are together and no one is

between us, and I feel happy”.

Laboratory was filling with voices. Rena and Paul joined Polina and Kim holding

their cups with coffee. Sun was streaming from the laboratory windows, making

everyone happy.

“Polina always gets red roses –what a lucky woman!” –said Rena, friendly smiling at

Polina.

“I wander, who brings them to her? Probably Victor?” added Paul, laughing.

Polina blushed, but did not say anything. She looked at Kim – he was looking through

catalog of chemicals. His face did not express any interest in conversation, his eyes

were blank.

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He always had this expression on his face, when, after kissing Polina in her room, he

was back with other people in laboratory, trying not to talk or look at her. And, as

seemed to Polina, he was even more than usual attentive to Rena. Polina was upset

each time she saw it.

“Hi everyone! – Trevor entered laboratory. He put his bag on the bench and took a

few photos out of it – I have got some photos developed of my son’s Mike first

birthday party. Here they are”.

He placed photos on the table for everyone to look at.

When was this birthday party – Polina did not remember. She felt like someone

kicked her in the stomach - she just was not invited!

Polina took a few photos to have a look– on one of them was group of people happily

smiling in the camera. Among them she saw Kim, standing very close to Rena with

his hand on her shoulder. Polina remembered other laboratory group photos, where

Kim was always behind Rena.

Polina was so upset that she could not stay any longer in the laboratory. She got up

and went outside. Quick walk around campus always was a good therapy if she was

upset. Polina did not want to talk to Kim about her jealousy feelings. What if she was

not right, and it was just a friendship between him and Rena, and , really, Kim is

twenty five years older than Rena.

Those thoughts were circling in her mind, but she did not feel happier analyzing

situation. Jealousy had a tight grip on her.

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All day Polina was working hard, but she could not get rid of thoughts about

relationship between Kim and Rena. She watched every gesture of Kim towards Rena,

Rena’s smiles to Kim, their long talks, inclination to have lunch together and sit very

close to each other.

She felt upset. When at the end of the working day Kim called in to say good buy to

her, Polina only asked:”Do you love me?”

“I am madly in love with you” said Kim and kissed her, and it was such a sweet and

long kiss!

Strait way Polina forgot all her sadness – she felt perfectly happy, and silently sang a

song sitting in the bus on the way home. It was a special song Polina composed for

Kim.

Cars were passing the bus she was sitting in. She knew some of the drivers. They

were people Polina saw in University.

“If only I could drive – she was thinking – how wonderful it could be! “

Polina was dreaming about it very often, but she was afraid even to imagine herself

driving.

Next day she mentioned to Kim about her desire to learn to drive and how scared she

was of driving.

“I will teach you, it is not a great deal, just matter of practice – said Kim – let us start

to-day at lunch”.

Polina was terrified. But Kim’s faith that she could do it brought a bit of confidence

in her confused mind.

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When lunchtime started, they went to Kim’s car. It was red Toyota.

Polina sat in a passenger seat. It was little black and white pattern rag on it.

“It is Matilda’s seat – said Kim- she never drove a car so I have to take her

everywhere. She does not want to make any efforts and relies on me in everything.”

He said it without usual smile.

Kim drove Polina to the nearby park and stopped the car on the big empty parking

spot.

“Now go in my seat and do what I will tell you “.

Polina tried to learn driving with Victor before, but he was becoming easily upset and

even rude with her if she would commit little mistake. Usually lessons would finish

with Polina’s tears, and she was not able to learn anything.

Now, with Kim, Polina felt as a new person – confident, strong. She pushed the pedal

and car slowly moved forward.

In half an hour time Polina was driving on the little park roads. She was perspiring

with excitement, but felt very happy.

Now almost every day in lunchtime Kim was taking her for a driving lesson on the

quiet streets of Sydney suburbs. She was learning how to park the car and many other

things driver should know.

Once, Kim said: “I feel safe when your are driving, it is time to book for exam”.

On the morning before exam Kim picked Polina up near bus stop and they went

to the place of exam. Polina was very nervous.

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Before living Polina in the car, Kim put his big warm hand on her cold and trembling

one.

“Everything will be o.k. darling”- he said quietly. And Polina felt as her hand became

warmer.

Polina could not believe, when she heard examiner saying:”Congratulation, you

passed!”

She found Kim walking on the back street not far from the place of her exam.

Happy over her head she was running towards him waving with P-plates. They

hugged.

“Congratulations!”- said Kim. “Be careful – someone here may know me “- he added,

when Polina was trying to kiss him.

But nothing could spoil her happiness – she was one who was so afraid even to think

about driving, and now her dream came true -she have got a license!

Polina realized that Kim’s love made her go for it.

Kim and Polina went to supermarket, and she bought cheeses, bread, and cake. They

were back at work exactly at morning tea time. Polina put food she bought at

supermarket on the table and called Paul, June, Ron to celebrate her victory. Kim was

already there making tea for everyone.

Paul came with Rita Rockliff – they were sitting at Paul’s office discussing Rita’s

project. As usual, Rita was very confident and charming. Polina thought, that Paul

was looking at Rita all the time, or it just seemed to her?

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“Rena, what has happen to you?” –said Kim, going towards the door, where Rena was

straggling to come in with two crutches.

She was wearing a very short skirt and her right knee had a white dressing on it.

“I had knee operation “- said Rena smiling, when Kim helped her in the chair.

Kim brought two cups with tea for Rena and himself and they were sitting in front of

each other talking about Rena’s operation. Rena was pushing her knee towards Kim,

asking him to touch little swelling on it. Kim’s face was expressing kindness and

attentiveness to Rena’s problem. He touched her knee gently with his fingers.

Polina felt as her head was spinning. She quickly left room, and walked from

University grounds towards shopping center. Brisk walk always helped her to relax.

Jealous thoughts were rushing through her head:”Kim loves Rena, he is just playing

with me.”

Than, a few minutes later:” No, he loves both of us”.

And then: “It is all nonsense.”

Polina was angry with herself, that being in doubts she could not break this

relationship. Each time Kim said “I love you”, she would forget all her mental

torments, and was happy again, as she never heard him saying it before.

For half an hour Polina was walking aimlessly among different shops in shopping

center.

When she came back to laboratory, food was cleared from the table. Kim was doing

something in the end of laboratory; Rena was sitting at the bench, writing in her

laboratory book.

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Kim saw Polina coming and approached her.

“Paul is turning fifty next Friday. Betty wants to organize surprise party for him.

Everyone is welcomed with partners. Paul should not know anything about it.

We will just turn up on Friday evening.”

“Are you coming with Matilda?”- Polina asked.

“Yes, I have to. What about you?”

“Do not know yet” –she said, thinking how would be nice, if she and Kim could be

together.

On Thursday evening, when Polina returned home from work , she found that

Victor was sick – he had sore throat and fever, so he could not go to the Paul’s

birthday party next evening. Polina was glad, that she was going to be by herself.

Polina had prepared a nice dress –her favorite blue-greenish color – to change in it

after work, nice shoes – and put it all in a car.

In the morning she was driving to work, feeling uplifted and happy that she could

drive, like many people around her, after many years of dreaming about it.

And, of course, she was looking forward to the party – to be all evening not far from

Kim, to be able to see him, to speak to him.

It was beautiful sunny morning, and Polina was singing together with radio one of her

favorite songs:

107
“I can be your friend; I can be your lover…

We just belong to each other.”

That is how she felt – yes, Kim and her definitely belong to each other, does not

matter where they lived – close to each other, or far.

As soon as Polina came to work, she remembered that all school of chemistry planed

a meeting at nine o’clock in the morning.

It was eight thirty, so she could have a quick cup of tea. In laboratory Polina spotted

Paul and Rita Rockliff – they where sitting in front of each other with cups in there

hands. They, seemed were very absorbed in conversation. Existence of Polina in

laboratory went unnoticed, despite she was making cup of tea very close to them.

She would not dare to say “hello” to them, to bring their attention to her.

Polina noticed unusual shine in Paul’s eyes, when he was looking at Rita.

“O dear, – she thought– looks like he likes her. Poor jealous Betty!”

With a cup in her hand she went on meeting. It was held in a big lecture theatre. Her

eyes spotted Kim strait way. He sent Polina smile and she smiled back to him.

It was so nice to think that they will be not far from each other all day and evening.

“Polina!” –she heard someone calling her .

June was waiving to her:

“Come and sit with us”. She and Lorna were sitting together in the middle of the

auditorium.

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Polina sat next to June. She always felt so peaceful and calm next to her.

Meeting was boring, as all meetings, and Polina was daydreaming. She wished day

would go quicker, as she was thinking about evening party, wondering if Rita will be

there.

Polina was wakened up by June.

“Did you here, Polina – she said – we need representative from technicians for

Resource Committee – I think you should apply”.

“Person with such a strong accent should not be on Committee” said Lorna in a harsh

voice.

“She will be all right”- said June, taking Polina’s hand in hers.

Polina was upset but could not find what to say – she was always like that:

being distressed she felt as a ball stuck in her throat, which stops words from coming

out.

Anxious, she could not think properly.

June and Polina left the lecture theatre and walked along the corridor.

“Do not worry about Lorna. She is a beech to everyone, not only to you.

We used to have another secretary, Trish, who worked here before – Janet

took her place. So, she cried regularly from Lorna and left job because of her.

I am going to nominate you.

What do you think, Ron? -June stopped Ron, who was passing them in the corridor –

shell we nominate Polina as a representative?”

“Yes, why not “– said Ron, smiling to Polina.

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Polina was back to laboratory, doing her routine work – mixing chemicals, checking

apparatuses for students. She felt happy.

No one discussed Paul’s birthday. It was decided that everyone will quietly come to

his house in the evening for surprise party.

About five o’clock Polina went to the car and took clothes she brought for the party to

her office. She locked the room and put her greenish-bluish dress on.

Then she took the map and found the street where Paul lived.

When Polina went to the car, it was already dusky. She drove to the area where Paul’s

house was, but could not find the street.

Polina stopped the car, but it was so dark inside that she could not see names of streets

on the map. She had to step out of the car and look at the map in the beam of one of

headlights. Polina found the street and in five minutes she parked outside of Paul’s

house. There were not many cars parked, because it was decided, that everyone will

try to hide their car on nearby street.

Only Polina was given permission to park car near the house, because she did not

know the area.

When she entered the house, it was full of people. Some of them she knew

from University, some of them were Paul’s family friends.

Paul and Betty were not there – they went to the pub for drinks, and their two sons

were managing a little crowd of guests.

Polina felt somebody’s eyes fixed on her – she turned to see who it was : Kim and

Matilda were standing near the big dresser.

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Matilda was talking to June, and Kim was looking at Polina. His eyes were sending

message to her-”you are beautiful!”.

Suddenly Paul’s son appeared, pushing everyone into the kitchen: Paul will be at

home in a few minutes.

All of them were tightly packed in the small kitchen, trying to keep silent. Polina

spotted Rita Rockliff standing near the sink with handsome man in his forties.

She had never seen him before. He had olive complexion and big brown eyes. Rita

looked stunning in her bright blue silky dress, which was hanging freely on two thin

stripes showing her beautifully sculptured shoulders and curves of her slim figure.

“Good evening Polina – said Rita –meet my friend Peter”.

Peter and Polina exchanged smiles.

Front door opened : Betty with Paul walked in the family room adjacent to the

kitchen. Now no one could keep silence, and crowd of laughing people streamed out

of the kitchen, shouting”Happy birthday to you, Paul!”

Paul and Betty were laughing as well.

Party started. Drinks were on the table and Polina moved towards it to get something

to drink.

Peter was standing there pouring red wine in two glasses – for him and for Rita.

“What would you like to drink?”- asked her Peter.

“Champaign, please”-she said. It was her favorite drink.

Peter handed glass of red wine to Rita, who was talking to Professor James Johnson,

and turned to Polina.

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“Rita told me that you are Russian. I am Macedonian – he said smiling – so, how are

you?”- he added in Russian language.

Before she could answer to him, he said:

“ I really can not speak Russian, just a few words.”

They had a long conversation. He was asking Polina about Russia, about her life in

Australia. Polina had never been to Macedonia, which used to be part of Yugoslavia.

She always wanted to see that country, but it was forbidden for Russians to go there.

Yugoslavia had more freedom, than Russia, and Russian government did not want

Russians to see it.

Peter was telling Polina about Macedonia, about his emigration.

She could see that all the time of her conversation with Peter Kim was looking at

them.

“Kim is, probably, a bit jealous” – Polina thought.

This thought gave her feeling of pleasure.

“If he is jealous, it means that he loves me.”

She went outside in the garden. It was dark, but lights from windows and on veranda

made part of the garden light enough for people to see each other.

Two groups of people were sitting around two garden tables.

Among one of them were June and Ron. Polina sat with them for a wile, listening to

their conversation, than slowly walked towards the house and met Kim on the steps.

112
“Do you want another glass of champagne?”- he asked.

Polina nodded. Kim took her empty glass and disappeared in the door.

In a minute he was back with Polina’s glass in one hand and his glass of wine in

another.

They were walking towards dark part of the garden. Polina felt powerful force of

attraction towards Kim. All she wanted – to be in his hands, to feel his lips, all of him.

It was at the same time sweet and painful feeling. Even in the darkness of the garden,

they were not alone. Everywhere were people- talking, laughing, drinking.

Polina and Kim stopped behind the big, dark bush. Their bodies as magnets stuck to

each other, their lips could not get enough of kisses.

“Darling, Matilda will be looking for me…–Kim whispered in Polina’s ear- and

everyone had seen us going this way”.

Sweet and at the same time painful feeling overcome her again.

Polina quickly straightened her skirt, and they slowly started walking back.

Near the house Matilda was standing, nervously rubbing her hands.

“Where you been? - she asked in her squeaky trembling voice- I was looking for you

everywhere”.

Polina saw impression of guilt on Kim’s face, and she felt like a needle went trough

her heart.

“It is time to go home, getting late”- said Matilda.

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She turned her back to Polina and started walking to the garden gates.

“Buy Polina – meekly said Kim – see you on Monday”.

Polina sat on the bench. Glass of champagne still was in her hand and she was

drinking from it slowly, trying to cool her lips which were burning from Kim’s kisses.

She saw as Paul and Rita walked trough veranda. Paul’s face was turned towards Rita

as sunflower turns to the sun. They talked about something in low voices. As they

went down to the garden and walked near Polina, she wanted to say something to

them, but understood, that they did not see her, so absorbed they were in conversation.

As they went in the darkness, she still could see Rita’s white dress and Paul’s white

shirt, and Paul’s hand enveloped Rita’s hand for a minute, or it only seemed to

Polina?

Weather on weekend was hot and humid. Victor, Polina and children spent the most

of it on the beach. Looking after children, talking to her husband Polina was thinking

about Kim, about Monday morning.

On Sunday night they put children to bed and watched movie on TV with glasses of

wine in their hands. Victor was moving closer and closer to Polina.

Than he put his hand around her shoulders, sliding it down to her breast, squeezing it,

than down to her buttock, squeezing it as well – still holding glass of wine in another

hand. It was so familiar to Polina. She knew exactly what he would do next.

114
And as she thought, he moved his hand inside of her underpants, with usual motion of

his fingers squeezing her cunt.

“We did not have it for ages! (he always called sex – it) . Let us go to bed” – said

Victor in a very quiet voice.

They went to bed and had sex – in a boring usual way – without kissing or stroking

each other. Victor seemed satisfied and went to sleep strait way, loudly snoring.

Strangely enough, but Polina came, probably because she was thinking about Kim.

She even felt his kisses, as he was kissing her a few minutes ago.

Polina was lying with open eyes for a wile, than her thoughts went mixed up and she

fell asleep.

In the morning, when Polina came to work, red roses were on her desk, and Kim was

making coffee for himself and cup of tea for her. When he looked at Polina, his eyes

were glowing even more than usual.

“Dobroe utro! Ja lublu tebja!” – he said slowly in Russian language, which meant

–“Good morning, I love you !” .

Polina was laughing – Kim’s accent sounded so funny and touching.

She wanted to kiss him, but room suddenly filled with people – Rena, Paul, Rita and

Trevor came in, loudly talking and laughing, remembering Friday birthday party.

Everyone was making tea or coffee.

Polina was desperate to be with Kim alone. She remembered about old storage room

on the top floor under the lecture theatre, where old equipment, glassware and some

chemicals were kept.

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“Kim – she said quietly– could you, please, help me to bring a few boxes of beakers

and chemicals from the storage room upstairs? “

“With pleasure – said Kim – I have to make a phone call, and join you there in a few

minutes”.

In a storage room Polina, waiting for Kim, was reading labels on jars.

It was a very small and filthy room, with narrow space between dusty shelves.

She heard steps – Kim was coming. It was him, and as soon as he closed the door

behind himself, they rushed towards each other. They heard a sound of broken glass –

it was not enough space for both of them, for their hungry for each other bodies.

“Are you free at lunchtime to-morrow? – whispered Kim – let us go to my place.

Matilda is going to somebody’s house with other ladies to make a quilt. They do it

regularly”.

Polina agreed – their going to be together in empty house!

“Now let us go –said Kim –I will go first – give me something to carry”.

He looked around: “Here, box of beakers. I will take it. Better if people would not see

us together often. It would not take long for rumors to appear. And another thing –

Rena comes here quite often to pick up some equipment from her old project!”

Kim disappeared with big box of glassware in his hands.

“He surely cares about Rena “ –Polina thought – and another thing: he is seen with

her very often and looks like he does not care about it !”.

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Polina walked back carrying two big jars with chemicals in her hands thinking about

Kim’s relation with Rena, which seemed so strange to her.

When she entered laboratory, Kim and Rena were standing opposite each other,

talking and laughing, and Kim even did not turn his head towards Polina.

All evening at home Polina was thinking about Kim’s feelings for Rena – he

seemed to be more attentive to her, than to other people, and at night, in her dream,

Polina saw Kim kissing Rena’s neck.

Next morning, at work, as soon as Polina saw Kim, all her doubts disappeared. He

smiled to her with his loving smile, and Polina could not wait until lunchtime would

start.

Fifteen minutes before one o’clock Kim said to Polina quietly:

“Let us meet near my car in ten minutes time”.

As soon as she sat in Kim’s car, Polina got this disturbing sensation inside of her, as

prick of the needle: she was sitting in Matilda’s place. This thought brought feeling of

uneasiness, which did not disappear, when they entered Kim’s house. Opposite, it

became even stronger.

The house, Kim and Matilda lived, was solid, double brick building in a very

expensive area of Sydney. Matilda was born there, it was house she inherited from her

mother, who died in this house shortly before her daughter’s wedding.

Kim told Polina that he was dating Matilda for five years and she was cold to him,

hardly allowing kiss time to time.

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Quite often Kim would miss the last train home, but she would never offer him to stay

for the night in the house, and he had to walk in darkness for miles and miles home.

Matilda was rude and insensitive to her mother as well.

One day Kim decided that he does not want to marry her, and intended to give her call

next morning to tell about his decision. Early in the morning next day he was waked

up by ringing phone. It was Matilda saying that her mother died that night. In such

circumstances, Kim could not say anything and married Matilda.

As he thought before, after wedding she was cold to him as usual.

On the wedding night she was cold and inattentive. It was hardly reminding making

love of two hungry for each other people.

Year after year Kim was living with Matilda in state of sexual frustration.

Sex was always a favor for some work he supposed to do – painting, or building

something in the house.

Twice Kim was very close to leaving Matilda, but each time thought about children

stopped him. Kim’s eldest son, who was born with mental disability, needed father’s

attention all the time. Plus Kim had special bond with his daughter. She adored her

father and as Kim she became a chemist. Now she was working for a big chemistry

firm.

With years Matilda was becoming bossier, pointing to Kim all the time that it is her

house, and he was going deeper and deeper inside of himself, as a turtle in protective

shell.

They did not have sex for years, did not talk much at all.

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Polina was looking around in the house, hungry to know how her beloved lived.

Kissing, Kim was pushing her towards bedroom. But Polina could not lye on the bed,

where Matilda and Kim had spent together so many years.

Kim understood her feelings, and they went to another room. As Kim explained, it

was his daughter’s room, when she was at home. But Polina did not feel easy there as

well.

They undressed, and Kim sat on the old wooden chair in his daughter’s room.

Polina started kissing his lips, cheeks, than she went down to sticking up hungry

penis, kissing it as well. She took it in her mouth, kissing and sucking it. Polina felt as

Kim was shaking together with old wooden chair he was sitting on.

She sat on the top of Kim’s lap, face to face, lips in his lips, helping him inside of her.

Old wooden chair was shaking even more, and Polina was worrying about it – what if

it will break. She was worrying about Matilda coming home earlier as well, despite

Kim was trying to persuade her that it had never happened before, but who knows?

Polina knew that she would not be able to come. And when Kim came, she jumped up

and started to dress in a hurry.

When they dressed up, Kim offered her cup of tea. Polina wanted to go as soon as

possible, but Kim insisted.

They went to the kitchen. Kim made two cups of tea and brought a few biscuits from

the kitchen cupboard.

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Kitchen was cold and looked unwelcoming with it white plastic surfaces. Probably it

just seemed to Polina because she liked warms of wood and colors.

Kim and Polina were back to work by two o’clock, when student classes started and

Polina had to help them.

Working day finished, and as always Polina felt a bit of sweet sadness, that day has

gone , Kim and her had to go in different directions.

Polina knew that Victor is waiting for her in the car to drive her home – he usually

come to pick her up, but she was in no hurry to go. She sat in the chair, where Kim

was making love to her.

Polina felt as a chair still was keeping warms of Kim’s body. She was happy.

Pointlessly she was looking again and again through papers which were lying on her

table, without really paying any attention what was written on them.

As Polina was walking to the car park, she was imagining as Victor is sitting in a car

looking straight in front of him without any expression on his face, as he usually does.

He never turned his head towards her, when Polina was approaching the car, never

smiles to her wellcomly.

This time he was reading a newspaper and did not look at Polina until she opened the

car door and was trying to fit her big bag in between back and front seats. On the front

passenger seat was Victor’s bag.

“He always does it – Polina thought – he never moves it knowing that I am going to

seat here”.

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And she felt antagonism towards him. Polina tried to hide it, but could not produce

any smile. She took Victor’s bag and through it on the back seat.

He did not notice anything. He asked her his usual question –“What is happening?”

Polina never knew what this question meant –how was her or how was work, or

something else.

“Nothing –she answered – everything is fine”.

And they were traveling in silence all the way home.

At home, after dinner, usual demand of home chores overwhelmed her.

Washing clothes, cooking dinner for the next day. Plus Anja wanted Polina to make

her costume for school carnival – she was going to be a Fairy!

Victor was helping Stepan with his maths, and later went to watch news and movie on

TV. He was doing it every evening religiously, does not matter what was happening

in the house. Polina even thought, if she was dying, Victor would still watch TV. He

never asked, if she needed any help.

At night, in the bed, Victor put his hand on Paulina’s buttock, pinching it with his

fingers. He was always doing it, when he wanted sex.

She felt repulsion towards him, for his ignorance to her, but could never refuse him.

This time Polina just was trying to imagine that it was Kim’s body, not Victor’s,

penetrated hers.

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 In the morning sky was grey and air was warm and humid. Polina did not like

humid Sydney’s weather- it was hot even in cotton T-short and jeans she was wearing

to work. She hated those wet spots under armpits on T-short . They always were

becoming yellowish when dried.

In laboratory Polina opened all windows, but it did not make any difference to still

muggy air. She put white coat on – it was compulsory to wear it in laboratory. Thick

cotton blended with synthetic made her even more sweaty.

Soon June called in – she reminded Polina about special morning tea for Ron – it was

his birthday.

“In weather like that I would prefer a cold drink” – Polina said.

June smiled, wiping perspiration from her forehead:

“Sure, my brain melts – she replied – see you soon”.

And she disappeared behind the door.

Polina was surprised that she did not see Kim , who usually was coming to greet her

every morning.

Telephone rang – it was Kim.

“Hello, darling – he said in a strange, croaky voice – I have got cold, and have to stay

at home to-day. Matilda is in a shower, so I can talk to you. Terribly miss you. Please,

give me hug and kiss.”

Polina was trying with all force of her imagination to put her arms around Kim , than

circle of her hands was getting tighter and tighter, and her lips were kissing Kim’s.

She kissed telephone receiver loud enough for Kim to hear.

“Here you are. Be well. I miss you too”.

“Thank you, darling. I love you. Have to go”.

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He dropped telephone so quickly, that Polina had no time to say good buy.

It meant Matilda was out of the shower.

Live in University was not the same for her without Kim.

Polina went to tearoom. It was full of people – tea for Ron’s birthday.

Armchairs were arranged around the room with three coffer tables in the middle.

Plates with buttered teacakes, cream scones, biscuits, cheese and crackers were on the

tables. And in the very middle was big cream sponge cake.

It was very humid despite open windows – they did not bring any relive to still air of

the room. People were drinking tea or coffee and faces were red and shiny with

perspiration. A few minutes later June brought a big fan, and now it was circling

around, giving a bit of relieve.

Polina made cup of tea, but could not eat any of the displayed food –teacakes were

buttered with salty margarine – she was not used to it. Sponge cake was different to

Russian cakes, and did not taste nice to her, probably because it had coconut in it, and

Polina still could not get used to it taste and smell.

Especially she did not like smell of coconut oil on the beach and tried to avoid to sit

near people, who rub it on their skin.

Polina went back to laboratory, and until the end of the day she worked listening to

radio.

She was quietly repeating words after her favorite song:

“Love will bring you back to my arms…”

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Polina loved this song. She was thinking about Kim.

It was end of the working day. Corridors went silent.

Polina felt very strong longing for Kim. She sat on the chair they usually made love

on. She badly wanted him, his hands, his lips; she wanted to make love to him

Polina put hands on her breasts, petting them, with her eyes closed, hot lips open.

Her breath became quicker and harder. Then her hands moved down – she was

making love to herself, until she felt relieved.

Kim was sick for the rest of the week. Every day he called Polina, saying how much

he missed her.

“Did I tell you to-day, that I loved you?”- he was saying, and Polina usually answered

“no”, if even she already heard it during the day.

It was so new to her to hear love words so often, it was not in Victor’s habits to speak

about love. Sometimes Polina wondered, if he loved her at all.

Polina’s friend Ann was divorced and lived by herself in a nice brick house not far

from University. She was very confident, thoughtful and understanding person, and

Polina felt comfortable with her. She could turn to Ann for any advice, speak her

mind, and Ann always was listening, ready to help.

One of Ann’s hobbies was theatre. She was buying theatre subscription for two people

every year. Usually, she would take her elderly mother with her, but sometimes she

would invite Polina. In this case after the theatre, Polina would sleep at Ann’s house.

How she loved those nights!

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After the dinner, they would stay late and talk.

Ann knew about Polina’s love for someone, but she never asked for his name, so she

did not know who was the men, and Polina never told her, mainly because of Kim’s

fear of rumors. Polina was absolutely sure, that Ann would never let her down. When

they talked about Kim, they called him “Friend”.

“Polina, you would better stop this affair with your friend, it would lead nowhere.

Your relation with your friend has no future” – Ann used to say time to time.

Polina did not want to believe that one-day Kim and her would say good buy to each

other. She did not want even to think about it. The main thing - their eyes were

shinning with this beautiful secret only two of them knew.

Polina felt as a bird who was flying in the blue sky. From above she could see all

imperfections of her life – quarrel of children, dominative mother, indifferent face of

Victor, but all those things did not bother her, only because she knew: to-morrow she

would see Kim again.

And Kim, he was saying very often: “Whatever I do, you are always on my mind,

Polina.”

Once, after visiting the theatre, she stayed for the night at Ann’s house.

They were having dinner, and Ann said that she had decided to take her mother for

holidays to Queensland, and they are going in a month time. She asked Polina if she

could come and water flowers in her garden.

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Wave of happiness went through Polina’s body: she would ask Kim to come, and they

would be together alone, free from fear to be caught.

But Polina had to ask Ann - to do it behind her back would not be fair on a good

friend.

When Polina asked Ann, if she could come to water flowers with the “Friend”, she

saw that Ann was not happy about it, but answer was “o.k.” Polina regretted for a

minute asking Ann, but another happy wave overflowed her.

Once Ann confessed to Polina that she had no sexual desire, so she could not

understand Polina’s longing for her “Friend”. Ann liked Victor because he was very

agreeable person, ready to help anyone who was asking for help.

But she believed Polina, trusted her.

At work Polina could not wait to tell Kim about opportunity to be together in Ann’s

house – Ann is going to be away for a whole month!

Kim’s reaction, when Polina told him, was not what she expected – he was thinking

with perplexed expression on his face.

“You never know who are Ann’s neighbors – could be people who know me- he said

quietly – but we will go there, everything should be o.k.”

Polina saw that Kim was in doubts. His cool reaction was disappointing. She expected

Kim to be as happy as she was.

Polina thought that it was something to do with Kim being a very keen mason.

He was proud of his Brotherhood, telling her how often he was spending time in the

evening learning his speeches for meetings in Masonic Hall. He was proud of his

ability learn long ritual speech quite easily.

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 Kim was a churchgoer as well. He was helping elderly church members with

different tasks like repairing something at their homes, to drive them if they needed

and no one else could do it. So he knew a lot of people, and was very concern of

being seen with Polina– someone could recognize him and tell his wife.

Yes, he was definitely afraid of his wife.

Because of that Polina felt contempt for him sometimes.

“Matilda is a loudmouth”- Kim tried to justify himself.

Despite all of it, Polina was looking forward to being together with Kim in Ann’s

house. She always was a dreamer, and liked following her dreams.

News came as a thunder in a blue sky – Professor Paul Lambert left his wife Betty

and moved in with Rita Rockliff and her two little children!

First Polina heard it from June. Then, at morning tea, everyone was talking about it.

Lorna, secretary to Professor James Johnson, said in a loud voice:

“Poor Betty, she locked herself in a hotel room and swallowed a lot of sleeping pills.

She is out of danger in hospital now”.

Lorna was known as Betty’s best friend. They were seen very often having lunch

together in nearby shopping center.

No Kim, no Paul Lambert usually went to the stuff tearoom for tea break. They had it

either in laboratory, or in their own offices.

When Polina met Kim this day, he did not have his usual shiny smile. His face

appeared disturbed with some thoughts.

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“I heard the news – he said quietly –it is really scary, how people hungry for

sensations. Poor Paul.”

“I admire his ability to stand for his love, he has a tough character”- said Polina She

felt annoyed. “You are definitely a meek husband”-went through her head.

Polina saw Paul a few times that day. His face had slightly different expression –

usually light and attentive, now it was more preoccupied with some thoughts and

happier at the same time.

As usual Kim, Rena , Trevor and Polina were having their drinks at afternoon teatime,

when Paul came with his cup and sat in his favorite chair.

“As you have heard – he started in his calm and quiet, but firm voice – I left Betty.

Rita and I know that it is going to be a tough road to happiness, but we are ready to

walk on it”.

How Polina admired him at this moment for his strength and confidence.

“Lucky Rita – she thought –she can lean on this man. They will be happy together”.

While Paul was talking, Kim’s face was expressing mixed feelings. It was tense and

apprehensive – he appeared to be frightened even of atmosphere of free will, which

surrounded Paul.

“Oh, poor Kim – Polina thought– he would not be able to handle situation like that”.

Rena was looking at Paul with expression of attentiveness and full understanding.

All her look was yielding support for him.

Trevor looked neutral, but everyone knew, that he liked Paul and was his ally.

128
Two days later Polina met Ann for coffee in “Belaroma” coffer shop in nearby to

University shopping center. She gave Polina last instructions how to water plants and

handed her keys from the house.

“Be careful” – she said to her.

Both of them knew that Ann was speaking about “Friend”.

Next day, when Polina saw Kim, first thing that she said to him was:

“I have got keys to Ann’s house. When we can go there?”

She was so exited about it that she could not wait.

Kim’s face did not express as much excitement, as Polina thought it would be.

It still had this cautious expression on it from the day they learned about Paul’s family

break up.

“I do not know exactly…” - he started in low voice, despite no one was around.

Than he was thinking so long, that Polina for a moment lost her temper, saying

in anxious voice:

“Kim, but we might not have opportunity like that for a long time – it is pity to let it

go”.

She badly wanted to be with him.

“What about Wednesday, lunch time?” – nearly whispered Kim.

It was Friday and Polina could not believe that having this opportunity to be together

and to make love to each other without looking at the door and listening to any noise

in corridor they have to wait until Wednesday! She wished they would be there every

day.

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“O.k. it will suite me” – she said quietly to Kim.

Polina could not wait until Wednesday. She was thinking about it all the time – what

she was going to wear? Polina did not have expensive underwear. Hers was very

simple, cotton. Underwear like that only old women wore, she thought. But she did

not dare to go and buy it, as she was not used to spend money on herself.

On Wednesday morning Polina decided to dress in skirt and T-shirt. She thought it

would be easy to remove T-shirt and leave skirt, so not to undress completely,

because it would be daytime and a full light in the house. She was shy and not

confident in appearance of her body. Polina always thought that her breasts are

hanging limply and are not big enough, so she usually did not want to take bra off

during making love, because thought of imperfection of her breasts would make it

difficult for her to enjoy sex fully and to come during intercourse. And to her point of

view her buttocks would be better looking if they were smaller.

All morning Polina felt exited and nervous – she was afraid something would happen

and they would not be able to go on with their secret date.

Kim told Polina to wait about midday near back University gates. Quarter to twelve

she was there nervously looking at coming cars.

But it was 10 minutes past twelve and Kim still was not there.

“What if he could not get away from his office, for instance he was urgently needed

by Paul or head of department? But in such case he could say that he has got very

urgent appointment. If he determined to see me, as I do, he could say that!

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Or what if Matilda came to see him? Or he does not want to go on with the date– too

scared?”- thoughts like that were galloping trough Polina’s head.

A few minutes later she saw Kim’s car. He stopped not far from the gates.

Relived, she rushed towards the car. Kim was wearing big dark glasses.

“Just in case someone will see him…”-unpleasant thought crossed Polina’s mind.

Kim parked his car a few houses away from Ann’s place. He explained Polina that he

does it just in case if someone who knows him would spot the car.

They entered Ann’s house without any problem, and Polina asked Kim to make coffer

while she would water flowers. She did show Kim to the kitchen and went into the

garden.

Polina was unfolding hose in a hurry, wanting to finish this job as soon as possible.

It is probably took her about ten minutes to water all hanging buckets on the back

verandah, and she rushed back to Kim.

Kim was waiting for her with pot of coffer. When he saw Polina, he poured coffer

into two little cups. She felt uneasiness of Kim in the unknown place, unusual

situation. They were sipping coffer and Kim was talking about Ann’s pictures on the

walls – beautiful landscapes and flowers. He liked them very much.

Then he put his hand on Polina’s knee and they forgot about coffer and landscapes.

Their lips locked together in a hungry for each other kiss.

After a minute of hesitation where to go, they went to Ann’s bedroom.

Kim closed curtains and they landed on the covered bed –their lips and bodies in a

strong and passionate grip.

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Polina moved bra up, letting free breasts and wile Kim was caressing and kissing

them, she was petting his penis, which went very tough.

Her desire was so high, that she felt she could come even before Kim would penetrate

her. And she came quickly after Kim’s penis went into her.

After making love, they sat on a floor – Kim with his back against end of the bed and

Polina leaned on dressing table. She pushed bra down, covering her breasts. Kim put

his big and warm hand on her thigh. There were no more feelings of uneasiness and

they had nice and warm conversation. Polina’s skin still was holding memory of

touching, of closeness to desirable body.

They talked and kissed, their kisses were becoming longer and longer.

Kim lay on his back and gently was moving Polina on top of him.

Fist she was lying on the top, kissing Kim and squeezing his hardening penis between

her thighs, than she sat on the top of his penis, pushing it in vagina.

Polina was moving her body up and down until Kim came. Polina never enjoyed this

position, but she was happy to please Kim.

Kim looked at the clock first.

“Polina, we are here nearly one hour and a half. We have to go back”.

They started dress up and Kim, laughing, pushed Polina back on the bed and lied on

the top of her.

Then he kissed Polina, saying:

“You look so young and beautiful, darling”.

Polina was very happy. They got up, tidied up bed, and went back to the car.

132
Polina and Kim had a date at Ann’s place once more. Kim was obviously nervous on

the date and Polina understood that Kim did not feel comfortable there. So she did not

offer him to “water flowers” for her friend again.

As a result of those two dates at Ann’s place Polina felt slight discontent.

“Our love should be housed somewhere - she thought – Kim is the one, who has to

think about it”.

Polina believed that the man is the strongest party, and it is his responsibility to

organize things. In her own family she had to make decisions herself, Victor was

happy to follow her. It seemed, that he did not care which way to go. He had his own

world inside of him and was not interested much in what was happening around.

Victor did not have any friends and looked like he was happy to “borrow” Polina’s.

When one of her girlfriends was visiting her, Victor would sit with them and listen to

their chat. It was annoying- Polina could not talk freely with her girlfriends. She loved

her friends and thought that she would not be able to enjoy life without them.

Kim as well, was very loving and loyal to his friends. He and Matilda used to meet

them regularly for play of cards or dinner party, and they had been doing it for many

years. Plus he had two very close friends. All together they formed kind of male

brotherhood. Very open to each other, they kept secrets, which even their wives did

not know.

Once Kim told Polina that one of his friends, Graham, was married unhappily. His

wife was cold and dominant woman.

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About ten years ago Graham went for business trip to Italy, and had spent one night

with prostitute. So he reckons now, that it was the best what had happened to him in

his life.

“It is really sad –Polina thought –it is so different attitude to sex here, in English

speaking culture. Women in Russia brought up with believe that they have to please

their husbands each time they want to have sex”.

Polina knew, that their relationship was very important to Kim,

So she was sure, that Kim would organize for them a place to meet, probably he

would ask his friends for help.

In Russia it was very common to bring your lover to the friends flat, when he or she

was not at home. Friends easily would give keys to each other.

But Kim once mentioned that he even did not tell his friends about Polina.

Months were passing by, and nothing happened. They continued to exchange hot

kisses in Polina’s little office, when no one was around.

One lunch time Kim invited Polina to go for a drive. Kim drove to the gully, not far

from University, parked car before metal bar, which did not allow cars to drive

further, and they went for a walk on a little walking truck, which led trough the

bushes down. There were houses standing on the edge of the gully, but Polina did not

see any people around.

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On the bottom of the gully a little narrow creek was forcing its way through barrier of

big stones. Kim crossed the creek first, carefully stepping on each of the stones. Then

he offered his hand to Polina. When she was on Kim’s side, their hands stayed

together and long kiss followed.

They heard somebody coming, and Kim jerked, pushing Polina away with a fright.

Two people in their late sixties were walking their dog.

“Hello – Kim greeted them – what a nice day to go for a walk”

His voice, Polina could hear, sounded nervous.

Man and woman did not answer him. Man even did not look at Kim, but woman

looked with contempt. When they passed, Polina laughed:

“I bet this man envies you!”

Kim’s face was serious – he was frightened, that him and Polina could meet someone

he knows.

They continued on the pass, and now no one was around. Kim took Polina’s hand,

leading her from the pass up into the bushes.

In the bushes, he took his jacket off, put it on the ground. He sat on the jacket and

slightly pulled Polina by the hand down. She lied down and Kim took her underpants

off. They had intercourse; it was not making love, in Polina’s understanding. She

really did not enjoy it. She was thinking all the time about people, who might see

them despite thick bush.

They got up, Kim took his jacket from the ground; it was stained from the wet earth.

They went back the same way they came.

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On the way back Polina saw a nice little wooden shed in someone’s backyard.

And suddenly feeling of love for Kim and desire to be together with him

overwhelmed her.

“Kim – Polina said – I could live with you in a shed and to be perfectly happy, not

wanting anything else.”

She remembered Russian saying: “With loved one is a heaven in a shed”.

From the beginning of marriage with Victor, quite often Polina was catching herself

looking at other men, thinking what they would be in the bed. She did not like this

thoughts, was angry and ashamed about herself, trying to hide them deeply inside,

hoping they would never come up again.

But those naughty thoughts kept popping up, making her even angrier.

Polina felt guilty – Victor was a good man, so it must be something wrong with her, if

she felt this way.

But now she was surprised to see that when she was with Kim, she never looked at

another man. Only Kim was in her thoughts and her dreams.

Kim did not say anything. He just squeezed her hand. His face was smiling not with

his usual radiant smile, but with smile, hidden as a sun behind light clouds.

On the way back to University, Polina was thinking about her love, how wonderful

this feeling was. She remembered old film she watched as a teenager.

In this film a middle-aged man was torn between two women, who loved him. One of

them was very young, probably in her twenties, and another one was

a mature, middle-aged woman.

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Many years passed since Polina saw this film, but she still remembered as older

woman said to the man:

“Young woman’s love is like champagne –it makes your head go round strait way,

but effect quickly disappears. Love of the mature woman is like a very good cognac –

gives long lasting and sweet feelings.”

That time, when Polina saw that movie, she did not understand, what this woman

meant. But now she agreed with her.

She felt, that her love for Kim much deeper and more enjoyable than her burning

feelings for boys, when she was much younger. It was like gourmet food, which you

learn to appreciate with time.

Kim parked car on University grounds.

“Please, Polina- he said to her – I will go quickest way back to the office – my lecture

starts soon. Could you, please, go first around the building? What people would think

if they would see us together too often? You know, how quick it takes for rumor to

appear.”

Polina agreed, but on a blue sky of her happiness appeared another grey cloud.

When she entered laboratory, Kim and Rena were sitting in front of each other with

cups in their hands. They were smiling to each other, and Rena was telling him

something in a quiet voice. None of them turned their heads towards Polina.

Polina felt as her cheeks and ears became red with anger.

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She run out of laboratory and went for a quick walk around the campus.

Thoughts were pulsating in her hot head.

“I had enough of this relation– she thought –he is after two of us. Rena is younger and

nice looking. When she is around, he never pays any attention to me.

It if fine, if he does not want to show love, but he even does not want to show any

friendship towards me! Kim definitely likes Rena as well! I have to stop my relation

with him.”

When Polina was back, Kim was not there, only Rena was sitting in front of her

apparatuses with her long legs on another chair, reading article. Polina could not help

noticing, that Rena’s legs looked nice and tanned, and skirt was so short, that one

could tilt his head just a little bit to see her underpants.

“Of course Kim likes her. She looks so sexy! He is a man, and he can not help

himself. He can not not to look at her nice young face and strong, beautiful legs.”

That was Paulina’s thought. She already convinced herself, that Kim fancies Rena,

and their connection with Kim had to be broken!

When, at the end of the working day, Kim came to Paulina’s room, her little office,

she made two cups of tea. No one was there, it was Friday afternoon, and everyone

tried to go home as early as possible.

Kim and Polina were sitting quietly and sipping their tea.

“Kim -she started - I was thinking about our relationship all day. I think we have to

stop seeing each other, other than for the work reason. It is frustrating enough for both

of us – we have no place to meet. We have to be afraid all the time, that someone you

know would see us. It is inevitable – we have to brake up.”

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Polina did not dare to mention Rena’s name, to ask if it is true what she felt about

Kim’s relationship with Rena.

She saw as Kim’s face became gray and his hand together with cup heavily dropped

on the bench he was leaning at.

“My life is a dread “- that was all he said in the quiet voice.

“Kim, I have to go”-Polina said.

She quickly packed her bag, said “good-buy” and went towards the door.

When Polina turned her head on the way out she saw Kim still sitting near the bench

with expression of heavy thoughts on his face.

Despite feeling of deep love for Kim Polina felt relieved. Disturbing part of

relationship with Kim ,she believed, was behind her. She would not worry any more

that someone could find out about their secret meetings, or about Kim’s relation with

Rena. Polina walked to the bus feeling happy and her steps were light.

Next morning, when Polina came to work, Lorna caught her in corridor.

“Good morning Polina – she said in her dominant voice –please, come to my office. I

need to talk to you”.

Lorna’s office was one big mess. Stalks of papers were lying not only on the table, but

also everywhere on the floor. It was difficult to reach fax machine, which was in use

by everyone in department.

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Narrow pass between papers was leading to the Professor James Johnson’s office.

When Lorna mastered among the piles to her table, she sat down in her chair.

She did not invite Polina to sit down, despite it was one chair standing near the door,

presumably for visitors.

“James wanted me to talk to you” – she always called Professor –James, and in her

talks she was referring to him as a little boy, who needs her protective and directive

hand.

“Once in a wile – she continued –every one from technical staff attends the “Vacuum

techniques” course in Melbourne. It is you turn.

It starts in a week time and goes for one month; would you be able to go?”

Polina agreed strait way. Her mother would look after children while Victor was at

work.

Lorna told that she was going to organize hotel for Polina to stay in Melbourne not far

from University, were the course was going to be.

When Polina came back to laboratory, Kim, Paul and Rena were having tea with

biscuits – plate of them was on the bench.

They greeted Polina, and Kim was looking at her with his usual smile.

Polina made cup of tea and set down listening to their conversation. Everyone was

involved in discussion - purchasing new equipment and glassware.

Polina was responsible for ordering things like that for laboratory.

So after decision had been made what to order Polina mentioned that she have to do a

course in Melbourne.

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“So you will leave us for a whole month –it will be a good break for you”- said Paul,

smiling.

Rena was telling Polina about her experience of staying in Melbourne - she lived there

for two years. She was saying that people in Melbourne are generally better dressed,

than Sydneysiders. They go more frequently to theatres, eating out more. And, she

said, quality of cafes better in Melbourne than in Sydney.

Polina looked at Kim – he did not say anything and expression on his face did not

change at all.

He just continued his conversation with Rena. Polina was annoyed.

“He is not going to miss me” – she thought.

Polina got up and went in her little office. Sitting at her desk, she was looking through

glassware Catalogs and writing orders. She was trying very hard to concentrate on

what she was doing and not to think about Kim, but felt more and more anxious

hearing Kim and Rena’s voices coming from laboratory. They still carried on their

conversation.

Than their voices were heard in corridor for a little wile and laboratory became quiet.

All next week Kim did not appear in Polina’s room. They saw each other every day

in laboratory and talked about Polina’s duties, setting up new experiments in

laboratory for students for the next semester.

It was a very busy time –she was trying to do as much work as possible every day to

leave laboratory in perfect order.

Polina was happy to be busy – it left her with almost no time to think about Kim.

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On Sunday afternoon Victor took Polina to airport , where she took plane to

Melbourne. It was very unusual for Polina to be alone in unknown town. But she

easily found Hotel where Lorna booked a room for her.

It was early evening, and Polina was hungry. She decided to go outside of hotel to

find a place to buy something to eat.

Despite that it was Sunday evening, little shops were open everywhere, with a lot of

products displayed on the tables outside. There were things Polina never seen before,

food stores smelt differently to usual Australian shops.

It was Vietnamese area – almost all people on streets and in shops were Vietnamese.

Polina bought bread and cheese and went back to hotel.

On Monday morning Polina went to University, which was just short walking

distance from the hotel she stayed. Polina registered for the course and proceeded to

the lecture theatre. About twenty five people were sitting on the benches, waiting for

the lecture to start, and all of them were men.

Some of them obviously new each other and they were engaged in a talk.

Polina sat separately – she did not know anyone. Time to time men were looking at

her – no wonder, she was only one woman there.

Not far from Polina was sitting a slender man with blond hair and graying sideburns.

He smiled to her. Polina smiled back to him and said “Hello”.

Next minute lecturer entered the lecture theatre, and everyone’s attention was

drowning to him.

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Lecturer was a man in his early fifties with a pleasant smile.

“It is nice to listen to the person who has got nice and friendly smile –Polina thought

– it is so important for the lecturer”.

He explained that lectures would start every day at nine in the morning and go until

one o’clock in afternoon. After lunch - practical sessions.

So they will learn a lot of useful information about vacuum systems during the

lecture, and then practical side of it in laboratory.

Lecture started. It was interesting for Polina, but in half an hour time she noticed, how

cold it was in lecture theatre. Her feet and hands felt very cold.

Polina was craving cup of hot tea. When tea break started she was first to run out of

the lecture theatre.

Urn with boiling water, tea bags, coffee, cups and biscuits were served on the long

table.

Polina was happy to warm her hands against cup of hot tea.

The same man, who was sitting not far from her in the lecture theatre, approached

Polina.

“My name is Peter- he said smiling – how do you enjoy the lecture?”

“I am Polina– she answered – it is interesting-I do not know much about vacuum

equipment, so looking forward to learn. We are using it in our laboratory”

“But I feel frozen, and another thing –it passed a lot of time, since I was a student, so I

found it is very hard for me to sit so long on one place and concentrate on what

lecturer is saying”- Polina added.

“I feel the same – said Peter -what kind of work you are doing?”

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Polina explained where she was working and what her job was.

Peter was from Sydney as well. He was scientist from CSIRO, big government

research laboratories in Lane Cove. Their conversation was interrupted by

call back in the lecture theatre.

After lecture, Polina had her lunch in University’s café and went to the practical class.

When class finished, she started thinking what to do with the rest of the day.

“Would be nice to see Melbourne”-she decided. Walking back to hotel, she noticed

Peter who was walking in the same direction.

He waved her.

“It looks like we are staying in the same hotel – he said –I am going to the city, just to

wander around”.

“Me too –Polina said – do you know how to get there?”

“Yes, I do. And we can go together –I will show you a few nice places. I know

Melbourne quite well”.

They agreed to meet in hotel’s waiting room near the entrance in half an hour.

An hour later Polina and Peter were walking on Melbourne’s streets. Peter took Polina

to the Melbourne Central – she liked this place very much: an old post office, a lot of

shops and cafes under one glass roof.

Polina was hungry and tied. They found a big open place with tables, surrounded by

the row of cafes with different foods. Prices were very reasonable.

Peter bought Chinese food. Polina had a big piece of pizza.

They were eating and talking. It was nice and casual chat of people who are at ease

with each other. They talked freely about their lives not touching deep problems.

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After Peter and Polina finished their dinner and went on the street, it was already

dark, and they took a bus back to hotel.

At the hotel, they wished good night to each other and went to their rooms.

Every afternoon, after lecture, Polina and Peter would go to the city to walk around

or to visit Art Gallery or museum, having something to eat in one of so many cafes.

Now she knew quite a lot about Peter. He lived on Central coast one and half-hour

drive from Sydney. Every morning he would take fast train to Sydney changing it for

a bus to CSIRO at Hornsby station. It would take him about one hour fifteen minutes

to get to work, and then he would go back home the same way as in the morning.

He would get back home about seven o’clock in the evening already tired.

His wife and two children usually were waiting for him to have dinner together.

Polina asked Peter, why he lived so far. Peter explained, that prices to buy house are

so high in Sydney, that he would not be able to afford place where he wanted. His

family could buy a house somewhere in Western suburbs of Sydney but standards of

living there not as good as in another suburbs, and places are not nice and more crime.

Plus climate – it is substantially hotter in the Sydney west and traveling takes nearly

the same time as from Central coast – roads usually blocked with cars.

At Central coast he and his family had a very nice big house near beach, and Peter

could relax there on weekends.

Peter’s father was German and mother – English. He looked very German to me.

Polina had never been to Germany, but picked up her idea what Germans look like

from German movies she watched in Russia.

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Peter had blonde hair and sharp blue eyes. They were different kind of blue, not as

Kim’s, which were peaceful and kind.

Peter’s eyes were intense and piercing. All his face was nicely framed with dark blond

beard, laced with gray.

Polina could not help comparing Peter with Kim. Peter was definitely nicer looking,

but she did not feel anything towards him. She terribly missed Kim and wished he

would break all rules and come to Melbourne to be with her.

Polina was dreaming about him almost every night.

One afternoon Peter said to her:

“It is my birthday to-day. Let us celebrate it together. Would you, please, come with

me to a restaurant?”

Polina did not like going to restaurants with men because she did not like feeling of

obligation which usually followed it. But then, she thought, she would insist on

paying for herself. Well, Polina agreed.

They went to Greek tavern – Peter said he was there before, and food, mostly, fish,

was really good and prices reasonable.

It was nice place with white walls and beautiful colorful scenery of Greece painted on

them. Wooden tables with bulky wooden chairs added to atmosphere of holiday

somewhere on Greek Island.

They sat at the table opposite each other. Waiter appeared strait way – he was Greek

as well. Polina ordered fried bait – she had never tried it before, and Peter ordered a

snapper.

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“It is my birthday and I am entitled for a bottle of wine “- said Peter, smiling.

A bottle of red wine appeared on the table.

Peter poured wine in Polina’s glass and then in his.

“Happy birthday – Polina said, lifting the glass- in Russia we usually would lightly

strike glasses against each other”.

And she touched Peter’s glass.

“To good health” – she added.

Nice Greek music and wine made her relaxed. Polina was enjoying every moment of

this evening. And Peter looked so handsome – women were looking at him time to

time.

Peter was trying to compare Sydney and Melbourne, but Polina did not know

Melbourne enough, so Peter was the one who talked and she was listening.

Their food arrived. Polina was surprised with a big plate of fried little fishes on it plus

chips and salad. No way would she be able to finish it.

And Peter’s snapper was a giant.

They were eating in silence for a wile. After the mane course (Polina had to leave

some fish on a plate), Peter ordered coffer.

He poured the rest of the wine in their glasses. Peter was looking at Polina with a new

soft impression of his usually sharp eyes.

“Polina –he said – I feel a soft spot for you. I got you under my skin.

What if we will try to develop romance? Build it up little by little?

Back in Sydney we could meet time to time for lunch, coffee.

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You see I have no more feelings left for my wife. Our life is a drag. We are staying

together only because of children”.

Polina was astonished – she did not expect such a sharp turn in their nice and

comfortable friendship. On one side, it was pleasant for her, mainly for her self

esteem, that such a handsome man liked her. But on the other side, she did not feel

anything towards Peter. Suddenly Polina understood how badly she was missing Kim.

“I think it worth to try again with your wife –she said – if you will start with little

attention, may be flowers, chocolates. And then from little spark fire will be

burning…”

“No Polina -said Peter and sighed- does not matter how you dress the old doll,

it will be still just old doll…”

“What should I answer him?” – Polina thought. She definitely did not want to push

him away very hard. He was a nice man, and she liked his company. But Polina did

not love him, and not ready to “develop” any romance – she loved Kim, and do not

need any other man.

”You see Peter - she started slowly- if it would be another time of my life, I would not

mind. But at the present I can not”.

Polina did not tell Peter about Kim. She was not afraid to talk about him, just did not

want to.

She saw as expression of annoyance appeared on Peter’s face for a second.

Then it changed to a smile.

“It is o.k. - he said – probably one day…”

The waiter brought the bill and Polina tried to insist on paying the half of it.

Peter firmly said “No”.

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They took taxi back to hotel and Polina paid for the taxi.

At the hotel they said “Good night” to each other and went to their rooms.

Polina was lying in the bed thinking about Kim. If only he could come here to be with

her!

She fell asleep and saw a dream: Polina was in university courtyard. But it looked

somehow different – now it had dark read marble floor (instead of light tiles), brown

marble columns. It was strange – she knew, that it was not night, but it was dusky and

there were no people around.

Suddenly Polina spotted someone walking between columns. It was Kim. He was

walking away, further and further from her.

She tried to run after him, but her legs were moving so slow that she did not have

much control over them.

Now a girl appeared near him. She had long golden hair-no doubts it was Rena.

She was shaking her hair and laughing, and Kim tried to kiss her.

But every time he was trying to reach her with his lips, she was tilting her head in

opposite direction.

Polina was crying in her dream, and woke up in tears.

It was early morning; grey light from overcast sky was flowing through the window

near the bed. Polina went to the shower and after that had a slow leisure breakfast.

She decided not to go to the course to day – it was one of days, when she felt tied and

wanted to be alone. She just wanted walk and think. Probably she would go to the

shops, to buy presents for Anja and Stepan. And another reason –she did not feel like

seeing Peter today. Polina heard a bit of irritation in his voice, when he said “good

buy” to her last evening.

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Polina took a bus to the city and enjoyed beautiful walk along Yarra riverbanks,

had lunch in one of cafes overlooking water. Clouds had gone and sky was blue and

cheerful. Sun was shinning, and his rays were broken in milliard of little pieces,

shining on the water. Boats were passing by. It was beautiful and peaceful. She felt

happy and her body was quickly filling up with energy.

Polina came back to the hotel in the evening. Her hands were aching from carrying a

lot of bags with present for her family. She was tied, but happy.

As soon as she put bags on the floor, someone knocked on the door.

Polina opened the door – Peter greeted her, smiling.

“I thought you might be sick. So I decided to visit you, to see, if you need something.

But you are looking happy and beautiful.”

She invited him in, offering cup of tea. Yes, Peter would not mind cup of tea.

Polina was making tea telling Peter about her day.

She did not feel any tension between them – she was afraid in the morning it would

be. Sipping tea, Peter told what was happening on the course that day. He said it was

not big loss for Polina not to attend, because every student would be given printed

lectures anyway.

One hour later Peter still was sitting at the little table in the corner of the room,

holding empty cup in his hands. Polina felt tied.

“Sorry Peter – she said – thank you for calling in, but I am tied after all day walking

around and really all I want it is to go to bed and sleep”.

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Peter got up, thanked her for the tea, and went out of the room.

Polina locked the door, went to the bed and fell asleep strait way.

To the end of the course Polina was attending lectures in University every day.

Sometimes she talked to Peter during tea breaks, but they did not go together to the

city anymore. Polina felt that she missed Victor, but it was like missing a good friend.

And she missed children.

When course has finished, Polina flew back to Sydney where Victor met her in the

Airport. As usual, Victor did not look exited that she was back; he just smiled to her

very calmly and was yawning, because it was too early in the morning.

He kissed Polina slightly on her lips – it was just peck, and she smelled his bad

breath. It was so well known for her, so usual. Quickly she turned her head away, but

Victor did not notice anything. It was usual as well. How many times Polina tried to

tell him how she suffered when someone with bed breath talks to her: “I have dog’s

nose, very sensitive”-she would try to explain, but Victor never listened.

At home Polina was happy to see Anja and Stepan, gave them presents – children

were exited. She brought present for Victor as well – a watch. Victor thanked her, had

a look at it and left watch on the kitchen table – he always left things everywhere and

then would go around looking for them and mumbling angrily: “Where is it? I

definitely put it here”.

Victor switched on TV and was watching action movie.

“How typical of him “-Polina thought with frustration.

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It was Friday, but Polina was not happy about coming weekend – she was thinking

about Monday. She badly missed Kim.

Bunch of red roses was on Polina’s desk on Monday morning. “He loves me, he

missed me!”- was circling in her mind.

And when Polina heard knock on the door, her heart leaped in a joy – it was Kim.

They rushed towards each other, both of them muttering “I miss you, I miss you a lot,

I love you!” Kisses were hot and sweet, it was hard to stop, but someone could enter

the room.

Kim made two mugs of tea. Polina sat with her mug near the desk, and Kim - in the

corner of the room.

Polina asked about latest news.

“Nothing much happened here – all the same – answered Kim. Bed news on personal

level with Paul – Betty sues him, trying to get more money. And Lorna is spying for

her – she is looking through Paul’s papers for money grants, and tells about

them to Betty. Betty wants her share of everything. Now I understand Paul, when he a

wile ago said that he wanted to leave her.”

Kim sighed. Both of them, him and Polina, liked Paul.

He was kind and tried to help everyone, who would ask.

Door opened- Paul and Rena came in.

Polina noticed strait way, that Paul lost a lot of wait. His face was pale and appeared

tied. Rena, opposite, looked beautiful. In contrast with Paul, she was tanned and full

of energy.

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Polina could not help noticing as Kim jumped from his chair to make tea for Paul and

Rena, especially for Rena, smiling to her. As Polina was speaking to Paul about her

course in Melbourne, with a corner of her eye she was watching Rena and Kim. Rena

did not take any interest in Polina’s course, and was laughing with Kim about

something Polina could not hear.

Old Polina’s “wound” of jealousy had opened and started “bleeding” again.

After everyone left the room, she went to laboratory and started wiping out benches.

They became very dusty for a month of her absence.

She was thinking about Kim and Rena.

Polina had to prepare laboratory for the afternoon class.

Class was running smoothly – Polina was helping students with chemicals, books.

Time to time ducking in her room, she was looking at roses, smelling and kissing

them.

Kim appeared not long before classes finished. He said that he had to go home and

asked, if Polina wanted to have short picnic in a lunch break with him to-morrow.

Yes, she wanted, of course.

Next morning was warm and sunny. Polina thought for a wile what she was going to

wear. She had chosen blouse with little blue and green flowers, which was tailored

and nicely underlined her slim waist, and black cotton skirt, tight at the waist and

wide around knees. She was thinking about picnic.

Polina did not have classes that day, so she could spend some time with Kim.

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She hoped that Paul, or one of lecturers would not ask her to do something urgent.

At work Kim called for a minute:

“See you near my car at twelve, darling?”

Polina nodded.

Time went quickly. Fortunately she was free to go. Kim was waiting in his car.

He was wearing big sunglasses.

“He thinks that his acquaintances, if we would meet them in the park, would not

recognize him. How stupid!”- Polina thought with a pity.

Kim drove to a little corner shop. He asked Polina to stay in a car and went inside. In

ten minutes time he appeared with round cob of crusty white bread, Jasberg cheese

and a bottle of Champaign, which he picked up from the next door hotel.

He drove to the beautiful park, which was down the hill from the main highway.

Polina had never been to this park, despite Victor and her were driving on this road

many times.

Park was situated alongside of a calm and very pretty river. There were not many

people in it – just one young family. Parents were sitting on the blanket on the grass,

and two little children were playing with a ball not far from them.

Kim said that weekends usually a lot of people coming here for picnic.

Barbecue grills were scattered around with already prepared wood under them.

Kim drove alongside the river, until he found a nice quiet spot very close to the water.

He took a small throw rug from the boot of his car and a little box with cups and

thermos with coffee.

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In a minute they were sitting on the rug, which Kim had spread under the tree.

He put bread and cheese on a big paper plate and opened bottle of Champagne.

They were drinking Champaign from cups, looking at the river. Time to time little

boats were passing by, and Polina thought that is what happiness means: sitting in a

beautiful park near the water with the man your love, drinking Champaign.

They did not have knife, so they were pinching bits of bread and cheese, and it

seemed to Polina that it was the tastiest lunch she ever had.

It reminded her a French film she watched many years ago –two lovers were having

lunch in the field among the tall grass. All they had – bread, cheese and wine. They

ate and then they were making love.

Kim and PolinaI just could not keep distance. They leaned towards each other and

kissed. For Polina whole world had become very small and disappeared – just Kim

and she were alone.

And Polina was comfortable in that world – if someone or a group of people were

passing by, she would not notice anyone.

Kim, opposite, was on alert all the time. Even when his lips were close to hers, his

eyes were scanning the place around them. But Polina did not care any more.

Her hand undone zip on Kim’s trousers dived in and found hot and stiff hungry penis.

Kissing his lips, she was petting it, feeling a great longing for making love.

“Why we are in a place we can not make love? Why we…?” – she was asking Kim.

Kim was silent for a wile. Then he sad:

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“Let us go for a walk, darling”.

They got up and slowly went further along the river. Park was narrowing to a walk

between tall cliff and the river, which concealed with a gate. Gate was locked, but

they found a narrow path around it.

Kim and Polina turned around the corner of the cliff and slowly walked over the river.

Kim was squeezing her hand – they were longing for each other.

Kim put hand around Polina’s waist pulling her closer and closer.

He was kissing her with a passion and desire.

A big log was lying near the road. They sat on it continuing to kiss – her lips were

swollen and skin on Polina’s chin felt sore from rubbing against Kim’s cheek. She lay

on the log on her back and Kim took her underpants off.

Polina readily opened her legs and Kim unzipped his trousers. They were making love

and did not think, what would happen if someone would appear around the corner, or

someone was watching from the opposite side of the river. They just could not think.

Their world narrowed to the touch of their bodies.

Kim and Polina were lucky – no one passed by. Soon they were up and walked back

to their camping place.

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 Kim’s verses

Months were passing by, but nothing was changing in Kim and Polina’s lives. She

was waiting for Kim to find place, where they could meet and make love.

Polina was dreaming about it days and nights. Her family and work played second

role in her life – love and longing for Kim were above everything. She was flying

above everyday life – nothing could touch her, upset her. She was smiling all the time,

and her face was glowing.

Once, Kim gave her piece of paper, saying:

“Have a look – I could not sleep last night, and what I came up with”.

Kim went bask to his office. Polina unfolded paper and read:

Why?

Why do I feel humble

yet grateful,

That fate has chanced to pass

and let me see

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 life’s beauty.

Why do I feel like a lost soul

unsecure from a hidden past?

Has fate decided my future

or let me see what

life could be

then leave me

floating in a sea of doubts

searching for fulfillment?

Only time will tell.

“He puts everything on the fate; he has no courage! – Polina thought. But he

definitely loved her. She would never imagine man like him writing poetry.

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What she can do about it? It is painful to go on like that, but even more painful to

break up”.

Polina rushed to Kim’s office.

“Come in Polina – he said – I have got urgent work – to finish my scientific article.

So I am “chained” to my office for a couple of days. Please, sit down – it would be a

nice break for me!”

“I loved your poetry – Polina said. Thank you, thank you. No one ever wrote anything

similar to me.”

For a few seconds they were sitting quietly.

“Did you write anything before?”- Polina asked.

“No, never did. You can keep it. If it were not for you, I would never do it. Surprised

myself”.

They were sitting in silence for a few seconds, and then Kim said:

“Matilda wants us to go for a trip to England – smile went from his face-

I do not want to go, but… So, she had ordered tickets already. We are going in a

month time”.

Polina felt like room was spinning around her.

“For how long?” – she asked.

“Nearly three month”.

Polina was upset.

“Why you could not say “no”, why?” – was going in her head over and over.

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It felt like Kim was reading her mind.

“Yes, I am a meek husband, I guess” –he said and sighed.

Polina quickly said “see you later” and went out of the office.

In the corridor she met June. As always, June had pleasant smile on her lips.

All her nature was emitting kindness and warms.

“It is tea time- she said after exchanging greetings – do you want to have cup of coffer

with me?”

Polina agreed and followed June in her office.

June’s office was a nice and clean room with bright art posters on the walls and

comfortable chairs near the desk. She pointed Polina a chair she can sit on and made

two cups of coffer. She took cookies from the file cabinet and put them on the desk.

Sipping coffer June was telling Polina latest rumors. But Polina was hardly listening –

she was thinking about Kim’s trip to England and how week he was – really meek

husband!

But when she heard name “Paul”, she started listening.

“You could not believe – said June – Paul had done reverse operation –he had

vasectomy before, many years ago. He and Rita want to have a child!

Is not it crazy!”

“He is a courageous man” – Polina thought .

She quickly finished her coffer, thanked June and went to her laboratory.

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 Polina’s verses

During the next month Polina did not see Kim very often. She tried to avoid him.

On the last day at work, before his trip to England, Kim brought bunch of ten red

roses and, as usual, put them in the big beaker on Polina’s desk early in the morning.

He was making coffer when Polina came in. She saw roses strait way. They brought

color and happiness in a dull gray world of laboratory. Polina smiled to Kim and

kissed him .

“Thank you” –she said.

“I will miss you “– he replied.

They were sitting opposite each other sipping coffer.

Kim took folded piece of paper from his pocket:

“I have got itinerary for you – you will see where I am every day of my trip”

Polina took itinerary thinking that she do not want Kim to go at all. She felt like

crying, but did not say anything.

Polina heard people talking in laboratory – Paul and Rita appeared at the door.

Both of them looked very happy, discussing something in quiet voices.

After greetings, Paul made coffer for him and Rita.

“Kim, it is your last day before holidays, is not it? We have to discuss a few issues.

What if we will start strait after lunch? See you in my office about two o’clock.”

For the next fifteen minutes Paul talked about his experience living in England, giving

Kim advises about places of Kim’s traveling, looking at his itinerary.

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Rita was sitting silently, looking at Paul, and smiling.

“That is it. It is time to get back to work” – said Paul looking at his watch.

“My lecture starts in ten minutes time”- said Kim getting up from the chair.

All three of them left Polina’s room.

That day she left earlier and did not see Kim – he was at Paul’s office.

Three weeks passed by. Polina missed Kim badly. She was looking in her “pigeon

hall” in academic’s tearoom every day for Kim’s letter, but it was none.

Roses were still standing on her table. They became dry, but she did not want to throw

them out –she kissed them every day, each of them, thinking that Kim touched them,

and they still kept warms of his hands.

One quiet afternoon, when students were on holidays, Polina sat at her desk

and wrote verses:

I kissed roses “good bye”

They are your lips,

They are your smile.

They are your “forget”’

They are my “forgive”.

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 They are tender touch,

Which forever with m

But they faded away

As your trace in my life.

As I kissed ten red flames

Meant I kissed you “good bye”.

A few days later Polina found letter from Kim in her “pigeon hall”.

It was teatime, and tearoom was crowded with people. They were sitting with

steaming mugs around coffer table.

June was chatting with Lorna and Janet. She waived Polina to sit with them, but she

wanted as soon as possible to be alone and to read Kim’s letter without any

disturbances.

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In her room she opened the envelope – it was a card. On the card it was a picture of a

beautiful European pine forest. In the middle of the forest was a path with figures of

two people walking hand in hand. Figures were small – people were quite far away.

In small letters it was written under the picture: “you and me”.

She opened the card – it was full of lines of small writing. As Polina learned, Kim and

Matilda were traveling in a group of people. He described places they went, and that

he was the youngest member of the group, helping older people with their luggage all

the time.

Polina smiled, reading this words –Kim always was helpful, and as Rena mentioned

once, even “extremely helpful”.

“Yes – she thought with dislike – he was fussing a lot around her”.

Phrase ”miss you” was finishing the letter.

“If you only knew, how badly I miss you” – Polina thought.

Polina hided the letter in the “Catalog of chemicals” –she would not take it home,

because someone could find it.

Her longing for Kim was so strong, that once, when Victor and she were lying in bed,

reading, suddenly Polina imagined that it is Kim’s head on the pillow, instead of

Victor’s. She felt so much love, that her eyes moistened with tears and her hand

moved towards Victor’s head in desire to pet it.

“No, it is not Kim “- she thought with anguish, and took her hand back.

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Polina felt Kim’s absence almost physically, as part of her was missing.

She wrote another verse:

Since you went away-

Sky milky and gray,

And leafs falling down

On a such gloomy days.

Strong wind

Sends them flying,

And I am dying

To see you again.

165
Rena was finishing her PHD thesis and Paul asked Polina to organize party with a lot

of food and drinks on Rena’s graduation day. Paul liked Polina’s cakes and always

asked her to bake them on different occasions. She was happy to do it – Paul was a

very good boss, ready to help people he worked with.

So Polina decided that she would definitely bake one on this occasion as well.

Kim was coming soon, and she felt like dancing all the time.

Only one thought kept reoccurring in her mind, disturbing and nasty thought. Polina

did not know exactly on which date Kim was flying back, but she had an idea that he

wants to make it to Rena’s graduation. This jealous thought kept drilling her mind.

Polina did not like her painful jealousy. She was trying to understand why she was

this way.

Her mother was a very jealous person. Polina remembered, as being a child she was

awakened in the night by loud voices of her parents, who just came from a party and

were lying in bed quarreling. Polina and her parents slept in one room, because they

lived in communal flat, and had only one room in it. Their neighbors had two rooms,

and Polina considered them very lucky people. Polina dreamed about another room,

where she could sleep undisturbed, and have her own little desk, instead of doing

school homework on a dinner table.

Polina heard as mother said with tears in her voice:

“I saw you looking at that woman, laughing and joking with her all evening as I do

not exist at all. You are always looking at other women…”

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Father was answering something back to her and Polina could not understand what he

was saying – his speech was not clear, and she thought that he was drunk.

Scenes like that were very common.

Mother was jealous even with Polina. Once, she was accusing Polina in loving

mother-in-low more than her. Mother’s accusations were falling on Polina’s head as a

cold waterfall.

Polina started crying. Mother did not say “sorry”, she just walked away.

Po

lina decided that she inherited it from her mother. She hated it and tried to do some

work on herself, but was not successful. Another reason for her being so jealous, she

thought, was her complex of inferiority.

From Polina’s childhood, father was trying to put her down, repeating all the time that

she was not nice looking and pointing at different faults in her character, finding new

once every day. He never was happy with the way Polina was.

All she was doing was never right for him. Father used to punish Polina, if spot her

standing near the mirror.

Polina had long and beautiful blond hair, but father did not allow her to do anything

with them – only to plat. Polina’s girlfriends were wearing popular that time

Brigitte Bardot’s hair style and once, when father was at work, she made her hair like

that and went for a walk with her friends.

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As they walked on the street, Polina’s father approached them. Polina felt that her

hands and feet became cold. His wrath was awful. He ordered Polina to go home strait

way. She was shaking and crying. Father scolded her badly, and Polina was banned

from going out with friends for two weeks.

Probably, it was the reason for her jealousy? Polina did not know.

On the morning of Rena’s graduation, Polina came to work with a cake she baked

evening before. She felt nervous agitation – on one hand, Polina badly wanted to see

Kim. But on the other hand, she was afraid to see that he came on the day of Rena’s

graduation.

But what if he would call? Surely he would ask, what is going on at work, and Polina

would have to say, that they are having party because of Rena’s graduation. She did

not want even to pronounce Rena’s name.

Polina decided to switch off phone in her room. She disconnected it, and went in the

tearoom.

Polina felt surge of nervous energy as she was preparing table for celebration. Trevor

brought drinks, paper plates, plastic glasses and cutlery and was helping to set up

table.

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Rita Rockliff offered her help as well – she looked stunning in the red dress, which

underlined her trim figure and was excellent background for her beautiful wavy black

hair. Two of them began making sandwiches. It was nice to team with Rita. She was

quick and very confident in everything she was doing. They started talking and Rita

asked Polina about her background, and when she heard, that Polina was Russian she

said that always felt sympathy towards Russian Jews. Herself she had Jewish

background. Her parents had died when she was a little girl and she grew with her

aunt. Rita did not have good relationship with her, and had left house when she was

seventeen. She had to work to support herself. She got married early- just eighteen

years old. Her husband was eighteen as well. Life seemed to be perfect for them –

both of them had jobs, and on weekends they would go somewhere for drinks with

their friends. Soon two children were born. Rita’s days were full of house chores.

Cleaning, cooking, washing, looking after children. To the evening she was tired and

angry with her husband, who after dinner would sit in front of TV with can of beer.

Despite it was considered the normal life by Rita’s friends, she felt, as something was

missing from it. She started University, doing physics. It was hard- studying and

looking after family, but she had a lot more satisfaction from her life. She made new

acquaintances among University students and staff, but her husband was not

interested in her new friends. He could not find anything in common with them.

He started drinking and could not hold jobs for long. After a wile they found that they

are not talking with each other any more.

Divorce was very logical ending of their family life.

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Rita appeared to Polina strong woman and kind by the same time.

“Paul and me would love to have a baby “ –said Rita and her cheeks became pink,

which made her even prettier.

“Lucky Paul –Polina thought - both of them are so happy together.

And poor Betty. But what could be done, if Paul does not love her. She has to

understand that he would leave her any way. It is not Rita’s fault.

Fighting and trying to upset him just make Paul to hate her.”

Polina tried to imagine, how she would behave if Victor would leave her.

She would be definitely very upset. Why? Insecurity and jealousy. But Polina would

never do what Betty did – went to courts, threatened Paul, and played dishonest

games.

Table was ready and graduation ceremony was nearly over. People filled the room.

June, Ron, Janet and a few lecturers were here. Everyone was talking, laughing.

Paul and smiling Rena in academic gown appeared in the door.

“May I introduce –started Paul – Dr Rena Bach”

Rena laughed, everyone was applauding.

Ron was pouring Champaign in plastic glasses.

“Rena looks beautiful” –said Rita, who was standing near Polina.

They took glasses with Champaign and were sipping it. Polina always loved this

exiting drink. Usually it uplifted her and made her head light and free from worries.

170
But today she felt differently.

“Hope Kim is not coming” –Polina thought in agony.

But soon drink of champagne made her gay, world seemed joyful place.

When Polina lived in Moscow time to time she loved to have a glass of Soviet

Champaign, which she considered was better that its Australian sister. Especially after

standing in endless queues for food in Moscow shops, listening to quarreling of tired

people, looking at their grim faces, when she felt drained, she would buy bottle of

jolly drink on the way home, and would drink glass of it feeling as joy of life was

coming back to her.

Rena was making “thank you “ speech. At the end she added:

“It is a pity that Kim could not make it”.

Polina felt guilty. But even feeling guilty, she did not want Kim to appear at the party.

Suddenly everyone head turned to the door. There were Lorna and Betty entering the

room. Lorna smiled as a winner and Betty had nervous expression on her face, which

she tried to convert into a smile. Both of them approached Rena,

congratulated and kissed her. Then they went to the table and picked up some nibbles.

Everyone became silent.

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Polina looked at Paul. Now he was standing shoulder to shoulder with Rita and his

face was pale. Rita squeezed her glass with Champaign. Polina saw, that her fingers

became nearly white.

Lorna and Betty moved closer to Paul and Rita.

“Hello, Paul – said Betty not even looking at Rita –Hello, husband. You are still my

husband, is not it? Why you are not talking to me? You are holding hands with this

bitch…” –and she gave Rita look full of contempt.

Rita’s face became red and she run out of the room.

“Betty, it is not appropriate place to talk about it “- said Paul and hurried up after Rita.

“I want everyone to know how you treat your wife…” shouted Betty in his back in a

hysteric voice.

Lorna took Betty’s hand and dragged her out of the room.

For a minute everyone was silent but soon initial shock had gone and people started to

talk and party went on as nothing had happened. Drinks and food were disappearing

from the table. It was very noisy. Polina had decided to go in her room to come back

later to help with cleaning.

In her little office she connected telephone again thinking, that if Kim would call, it is

already too late for him to come to celebration.

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Kim called two days later. His voice was full of warms and tenderness.

Polina’s heart was beating very fast.

He said: “Tried to call you from Singapore two days ago. Just wanted to hear your

voice… but your phone was engaged all the time”.

Polina felt awful. It was the price she paid for her jealousy.

Kim offered to meet Polina after work near University’s back gates – he would wait

for her in the car. He asked if she could come. Polina said “yes” without even

thinking what she was planning to do tomorrow.

All the rest of the day she could not even think about anything else – only about

meeting with Kim. Everyone, whom Polina met in laboratory or in corridor, even

people she did not know, was looking at her. Polina felt that her face was glowing.

It was getting dark when Polina went to the place they agreed to meet.

Kim was waiting in the car.

As soon as Polina sat near him, he grabbed her hand. His eyes shined so much, that it

seemed to her that it was light inside the car.

Kim drove to the bush reserve and parked the car in the bushes.

It felt as a spooky place for Polina, but she trusted in Kim’s knowledge of the bush.

Than they kissed, until her lips felt swollen and her chin was sore from rubbing

against Kim’s skin, which had little grows on it – he called it “five o’clock shadow”.

All long waiting and longing splashed out from hungry for each other lips and hands.

They were petting each other’s bodies, wanting madly to make love.

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Polina lied on the back seat of the car with her legs apart out of the open door. Kim

put condom on and went on top of her. It was sweet reunion of two craving for each

other bodies.

“Polina, I have got something for you “ – said Kim later. They sat in the car. It was

dark outside, and Polina felt scared – she never liked darkness.

“I have brought a few presents for you”.

Things were appearing from everywhere – his pockets, bag, and glove compartment

of the car. Kim switched lights on above car seats, and Polina could see what he was

putting on her laps.

There was beautiful broach from lapis lazuli, crystal earrings, cup with her

birth sign on it, spoon with Scottish emblem and framed poem of Thomas Moore.

They were reading together:

THE MEETING OF THE WATERS

There is not in this wide world a valley so sweet

As that vale in whose bosom the bright waters meet;

Oh! The last rays of feeling and life must depart,

Ere the bloom of that valley shall fade from my heart.

Yet it was not that Nature had shed o’er the scene,

Her purest of crystal and brightest of green;

‘Twas not her soft magic of streamlet or hill.

Oh! No, -it was something more exquisite still.

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‘Twas that friends, the beloved of my bosom, were near,

Who made every dear scene of enchantment more dear,

And who felt how the best charms of nature improve,

When we see them reflected from looks that we love.

Their lips came together again with new burst of desire.

Polina unzipped Kim’s fly and dipped hand in it. She loved to caress his hot strong

penis. Giving him pleasure she felt pleasure herself.

Polina lowered her head and took penis in her mouth. She was sucking and kissing it.

She heard Kim’s murmuring with pleasure and was happy herself.

“Nearly forgot”- said Kim a few minutes later.

He fished out a little box from the bottom of his bag. Polina opened it – it was small

musical box. She winded it up and it was playing well-known melody.

Polina did not know exactly what it was called, but remembered words:

“One day, my love, there will be song to sing…”

She was touched – Kim knew that she loved musical boxes. And she loved this song.

Of course, Polina remembered, it was Lara’s theme from “Doctor Zivago” by Russian

writer Boris Pasternak.

His life was tragic – persecuted by KGB for his writings on forbidden by Soviet

regime subject of true story of revolution and Second World War, where Bolsheviks

were shown, as they were – dark deadly force. Revolution broke lives of many

people like Dr. Zivago and other heroes of this book.

Song was about tragic love between Dr.Zivago and Lara, longing for the different life,

where they would be happy.

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Thinking about unhappy love made Polina sad. Is it her own story? Polina tried not to

think about it.

“How did you managed to buy all of it, where was Matilda?”

“Used every moment, when she went to toilet or just was talking to other people”.

“We have to go, Polina. Matilda, probably, waiting for me with the plate of my

dinner, which went cold. Wondering, where I am now.

If you knew, how I hate it. Each time coming home, already from the driveway of our

house I can hear sound if microwave going, and Matilda’s husky voice:

“Where are you? I am starving!”

Kim started the car and drove off.

“Polina – he said with shy smile on his face, as his car was moving along the dark

unsealed road leading to highway – I want you again. Can you just put your hand…”

Polina put her hand on Kim’s fly, feeling with her fingers tough penis.

She felt as sweet feeling of sexual “wanting” rose in her body.

“No time – the same old story” – she thought with annoyance.

When they went out of the darkness on the highway, Polina felt as coming out of

intimate room, which belongs to only two of them, to a big space full of people.

Polina took her hand off Kim. They were sitting in silence. Kim drove Polina to her

house, quickly said “good by” to her and disappeared among moving lights of other

cars.

At home Victor and children were watching movie on TV. Victor loved action

movies, and it was one of them.

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“Where you been?” – he asked Polina.

But she saw, that he was completely absorbed by what was happening on the screen

and did not need long explanations from her.

Polina muttered something about spending time with her friend Ann in shopping

center, helping her to buy a new dress for the occasion of someone’s wedding where

Ann was invited.

Than making excuse of being very hungry Polina disappeared in the kitchen.

Next day Polina did not see Kim. She was thinking about him all day. Any way, she

was thinking about Kim all the time. Even in her dreams he was somewhere in the

background. Polina knew, she was loved, and it was making her happy. Of course,

Victor loved her too in his own way. Well, it was more convenience, friendship.

Kim appeared in Polina’s little room two days later.

“Tea time “ – he said after quick cautious kiss on her cheek and went on making two

cups of tea. He was unusually serious and quiet.

“What had happened? “– Polina asked him, when they were sitting with cups near the

bench opposite each other.

Kim looked around to make sure that no one entered the room without being seen by

them, and said in low voice:

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“Matilda had found condom in my car. Can you imagine – she was holding it in her

hand, waving in front of my face, saying:

“What is it? “. She was out of herself with anger!”

Kim had expression of the frightened boy on his face, who is awaiting punishment

from his mother for being naughty.

Polina vividly imagined this scene. She could not help herself and burst into loud

laughter. She saw that Kim was not pleased with her reaction, but could not stop.

“Sorry Kim – she said wiping tears with tissues when suddenly realized that her

laughter could offend him, – it is pure nervous.”

Disappointment on Kim’s face turned to confusion.

“Would be good if Kim said to Matilda – yes, condom is mine. And I was here with

woman I love!” – Polina thought.

“What did you tell her?”- she asked Kim.

“I told her that kids who are playing on the street found it and for a jock pushed it in

the car through the slot - window was a bit open. Looks like she believed in it.”

Polina was disappointed but did not say anything.

“Another thing I wanted to tell you – said Kim with his usual expression of

attentiveness and kindness on his face –it is position advertised in University of NSW

-senior lecture. Exactly my subject and more money. So I have decided to apply.”

Polina jumped from her chair.

“And what about us? How we are going to see each other?”

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She could not imagine not seeing Kim every day.

His face darkened: “We will find the way…” he said in lower than usual voice.

Two weeks later it was known in the Department, that Kim has got a new position in

another University, which was higher than present one. Everyone was congratulating

him and Kim’s face was shining with pride. Polina felt betrayed and unhappy.

It was April, Easter time. On the night before Good Friday she felt very sick. Waves

of deep nausea overwhelmed her. She felt faint and shaky. Her heart was racing and

Polina was frightened. In the morning Victor drove her to the doctor, but doctor could

not find anything wrong. He attributed it to a stomach bug.

“A few days in a bed and you will be o.k.”- he said.

“A few days” passed, but Polina did not feel any better. She was unable to come to

work. Another doctor she visited said that her disease had t nervous origin.

He recommended exercises and said that every day she would be picked up by social

worker and with group of mentally ill people would be taken to the swimming pool.

“Yes, you have got anxiety disorder– he said, looking at Polina’s distraught face-

which is classified now as mental illness. I think it will be beneficial for you to start

on antidepressants”.

He wrote prescription and hanged it over to her

“Take one a day.”

Polina wanted to ask something, but doctor was already opening the door, eager to

invite another patient in.

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Polina bought tablets and swallowed one before going to the bed.

Next morning she woke up with feeling like someone hit her on the head.

Polina felt like she was behind hazy curtain.

Slowly moving around the house, she found her swimming suite and sat near the

window. Her hands were trembling, extreme tiredness made it hard to move legs.

“No, I am not going to take these tablets any more. They make me even sicker. I have

to cope myself, does not matter how hard it is” – Polina thought.

Mini bus appeared at the door and young lady waved Polina from the driver’s seat.

Polina took the seat in the bus. There were about six women with troubled faces.

Some of them smiled to her with open child’s smile. Some were deeply in their own

world and seemed did not even noticed a new face in the bus.

In the pool Polina was standing in the water – it was hard for her to swim (any attempt

to do it was bringing palpitations and tiredness. All muscles were aching.). Women

were swimming around Polina. “Like mermaids” -she thought. One of them attracted

her attention – she had long wavy hair and oval classic face which was pale and had

expression of long suffering.

“She looks like saint - thought Polina – probably, she is”.

After swimming all of them went to the back room to have cup of tea.

Polina was sipping her tea, looking at women. They talked freely – it looked like they

knew each other for a long time. No one turned to Polina, and she did not know what

to talk about with them, how to start conversation.

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“I do not belong to this group of people. I just do not feel any connection to them.

I think, I am not going to come here again.”

And I badly miss Kim” –thought Polina.

In two weeks time she was back to work. Polina did not feel much better, but she

wanted to be among people, to see their smile, to feel their support – she wanted to

return back to life she loved.

Kim was not there any more – he already started his new job at another University.

Polina worked in a quiet laboratory, preparing experiments for the students. Her legs

were tied and hands were shaking. Paul called in to ask how she was.

Polina saw his happy face and was thinking about Kim.

At teatime she took her cup and went to tearoom.

A few lecturers were sitting with theirs cups, reading magazines.

Polina was greeted by June and Jacky. She made tea and sat with them.

She did not want to tell them about her nervous breakdown, she just said that she had

a bad flu.

Polina was listening to their conversation about department life, looking in their kind

faces, and felt calmer. Her hands stopped shaking and she was laughing together with

them.

By the end of the day Polina felt much better.

Kim called when she was ready to go home.

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“How are you, darling? - he said in his soft voice – I was thinking about you all the

time. What had happened to you?”

Polina did not go in details. She said that she was sick and no one knew what was

wrong with her.

And how was his new job?

Kim answered in happy voice, and Polina thought, that he is not missing her at all.

“Darling, I want to see you – he said –let us meet next week?”

They decided that Polina would come into town and wait for Kim in the McDonalds

café near University where he worked.

In the morning of the day when they agreed to meet, Polina woke up early from

excitement. Today she is going to see Kim! Polina missed Kim so much! And what

she was going to wear? Polina decided that it must be something blue to match her

bluish eyes.

When Victor went to work and children left for school, Polina started trying skirts.

She was pleased with herself – she lost considerable amount of weight as a result of

her illness. But on the other hand she did not feel well. Thought about walking to the

station and taking train filled her with fear.

What if I would not be able to make it? As doctor said – “it is just panic”, but it was

so hard to cope with it.

Finally Polina decided on the knee length black skirt and short blue jacket.

Before going out of the door she looked at her reflection in the mirror.

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Elegant and slim woman was looking back at her from the looking glass.

Polina’s light brown hair nicely framed her attractive oval face.

But when she went out of the gates to the footpath leading to the train station,

confidence had left Polina.

Her legs were shaking, hands became sweaty and cold. She had to push myself all the

way to the station.

At the station she sat on the bench. Polina did not feel well at all.

“God, please, dive me strength… “- was going over and over in her head.

Train came, and Polina took the sit inside near the window.

She got out at the Central station and walked through pass under ground. She found

herself on the busy street in the middle of the city.

When she was approaching McDonalds her heart started pondering – Kim was there,

waiting for her.

But when Polina entered café he was not there yet. She took tea and muffin and sat at

the table waiting.

“He is always late “-she thought with a bit of annoyance towards Kim.

Ten minutes later Polina saw Kim walking into McDonalds looking around, trying to

find her. He was wearing bright red jumper – she never seen him wearing such a

bright colored clothes.

“C’mon, have a look at me, I am here” was going in her mind.

183
As Kim could not see her, Polina jumped on her feet and run after him grabbing his

hand.

He looked at her, and his face became pink, which was even more obvious because of

the red jumper.

“Polina, it is so nice to see you … - he said – shell we go somewhere else?”

Polina took her bag and they went outside on the street in the constantly moving

stream of people.

They stopped near nice looking cafe.

“Let us have coffer here? “-asked Kim.

Polina worried that it was expensive place. Kim never invited her to expensive

cafes. Plus he was blaming Matilda all the time that he did not have any money in his

pocket. So Polina did not feel right allowing him to buy something for her.

“It is expensive place “ - she said quietly.

Kim did not want to hear what Polina was saying, gently pushing her towards the

door.

They sat at the table, and Kim ordered coffer for himself and for Polina. She asked for

decaffeinated flat white.

Polina was scared that she would not be able to tolerate normal strong coffee. It could

give her panic attack and she did not want to embarrass herself and Kim.

They were talking over coffer about new Kim’s work, new happenings at Polina’s

Department. After they finished with coffee, Kim said:

184
“Let us go - I will show you the place I work now”.

They went on the busy Broadway and walked to the University and took lift to the

third floor where Kim’s laboratory was. It had a heavy metal door with little window.

Kim opened the door and gently pushed Polina in. Laboratory was empty – students

were on holidays, plus it was lunchtime.

It was a laboratory similar to one Polina was working in.

Kim locked the door behind Polina and passionately kissed her. She was returning his

kisses and his body was clinging to hers.

Polina felt his rising penis.

“Kim – she whispered – we can not do it here…”

“Yes, we can. Door is locked – no one will come, do not worry… oh, how I missed

you”.

He was pulling her skirt up and his lips were everywhere on her face, neck.

Feeling of dissatisfaction started growing in Polina. She did not want to be in this

foreign to her laboratory. She definitely did not feel like making love there.

“Why does he do it?”- she thought with annoyance looking at Kim.

Polina pushed her skirt down:

“I do not want to do it here. I had enough of hiding in laboratories…I have to go”.

“It looks like we have to forget about each other” – she added. Polina felt bitterly

disappointed.

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Kim looked upset.

They went down to the street and said “Good buy” to each other.

Polina went in the underground and took train back to the station were she lived.

Her heart was beating unevenly – it felt like it was missing a beat.

It was scary. Polina slowly walked home frightened by her physical symptoms and

frustrated about her unfulfilled desire to give her love to Kim. He was not able to

handle it, was frightened by anything new, what could change routine of his life. He

simply did not have enough courage.

Polina was sitting on the bench of a picturesque park in the middle of Hobart. She

was looking at big white rotunda in the middle of the park surrounded by old

European trees – oaks, birch trees and some others, Polina did not know names. It was

autumn and yellow- reddish leaves formed beautiful carpet on a green loan under

branches.

Polina still fully could not comprehend that Kim and all her friends behind 300 km of

wicked and moody waters of Bass Strait.

Last Kim’s letter, which she received on the final day at University, was trembling in

her hands. She was reading it again and again:

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When I met you, I had no idea

How much my life

Was about to be changed…

But then, how could I have known?

A love like ours happens

once in a lifetime.

You were a miracle to me,

The one who was everything

I had ever dreamed of.

The one I thought existed

only in my imagination.

And when you came

Into my life,

I realized that what

I had always thought

was happiness

couldn’t compare to the joy

loving you brought me.

You are a part of everything

I think and do and feel,

and with you by my side,

I belive that anything is possible.

Thank you

For the miracle of you…

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you are, and always will be,

the love of my life.

Sun was going down and it was time for Polina to go home.

Victor was watching TV - it was his favorite- action movie. Every evening the same

routine – he was coming home from work, ate his dinner, played computer games and

then was watching action movie. Every evening the same!

Polina could not remember if she ever heard nice word from her husband. Probably

-never. Their lovemaking became like going to toilet, basic necessity. Became or

always was? Just pure mechanical sex.

She remembered, as Victor’s father was saying to her, that his son was like his

mother, who never kissed children. She was very unemotional and ignorant woman.

Victor’s parents did not like Polina. They were saying that she was coming from poor

family, and Victor should not have married her. They wanted him to marry a rich girl.

Polina glanced at Victor. He looked exactly as his father – droopy eyes, double chin,

grey fluffy hair around big bold patch. Big round stomach was resting on his laps. Not

even reminiscence of that nice looking guy she married about two and half decades

ago.

Today was their marriage anniversary. Polina cooked nice dinner. She decided to do

something different: octopuses in wine sauce with rice vermicelli and veggies.

She was waiting for Victor.

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“He will come with flowers and champagne!” she thought.

“I will definitely kiss him – will be nice spring of our stagnate relationship!”

Victor came empty-handed with his usual “empty” look in his eyes. He was hungry

and started eating strait way.

“Octopuses over salted” – he said continually chewing.

Polina was silent. She did not say anything about anniversary. What it would change

if she said? Victor did not like to be pointed at his mistakes.

He would never say “sorry” – just would stops talking to her.

Polina shrugged her shoulders – she did not belong to this house and to this man, but

where did she belong to? What to do? She pushed this question further and further in

her mind until it became very small, almost invisible, and Polina pretended that

everything is well.

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