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5.

Speaking The Language of Friendship


The more you can encourage the other person to speak, the more you listen to wha
t they say, display empathy, and respond positively when reacting to their comme
nts, the greater the likelihood that person will feel good about themselves (Gol
den Rule of Friendship) and like you as a result.
Communication Errors that will get your ideas rejected:
1. "If I'm Right, then you're wrong"
The I m right and you re wrong paradigm forces people to assume a defensive posture
to protect their egos or reputations, or for myriad other reasons. A person who
is forced into a defensive posture by such statements
is less likely to consider new ideas, let alone adopt them.
2. Us Against Them or I Against You
The use of these (You & I) pronouns creates an adversarial situation. Adversaria
l settings create winners and losers. Winners conquer; losers are left to lick t
heir wounds.
Adversarial relationships invite competition along with negative feelings, which
are not conducive to effective communication.
3. Cognitive Dissonance
4. Ego
People are naturally egocentric; they think the world revolves around them.
Stacey demonstrated her self-focus when she used
the I word. She elevated herself above her boss, thus unintentionally attacking hi
s ego.
Egos have hurt more people and torpedoed more good ideas than one would care to
admit.
Instead of saying, "You've been manufacturing this chemical all wrong. I found a
new and cheaper way to do it," Stacey should have said:
"Sir, I would like your advice on something that would make our company more pro
fitable."
Involve people in your glory. Supress your ego and Let their ego shine.
-> Active Listening
When it comes to establishing and building friendships through verbal behavior,
take your cue from LOVE (Listen, Observe, Vocalize and Empathize).
Four Rules to Maximize your changes for making friends through the use of commun
ication:
1. Listen: Pay attention when people speak so you are fully aware of what they a
re saying
The best way to focus on the listener s speech and, at the

same time, transmit to the speaker nonverbally that you are paying attention to
what is being said is to
maintain eye contact about 2/3rds to 3/4ths of the time while he/she is talking.
Make a concerted effort not to interrupt speakers when they are talking. People
like individuals who let them speak, particularly when it's about them and their
ideas/advice.
The empathic statement is the perfect tool to demonstrate that you are listening
to the other person. In order to form a good empathic statement, you must liste
n to what the person is saying or take note of their emotional or physical dispo
sition. Paraphrasing what the person said keeps the focus on that individual.
E.g. "You look like you've had a busy day" to a tired looking salesman or clerk.
"Sounds like you really enjoyed your trip" to a co-worker who excitedly shares h
is vacation experience.
Build trust in 10 minutes:
One doctor said, "I maintain eye contact. I listen. I validate their feelings...
the fear melts away. And then they trust me. All in less than 10 minutes."
Giving a person the opportunity to talk, listening to what they say without inte
rruption, and giving nonverbal cues that what they say is of interest to you can
make a huge difference, whether it be in gaining a patient's trust or person's
friendship.
2. Observe: In any verbal interaction be sure to observe the other party before,
during, and after receiving and transmitting information