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HowTo:Killandnotgetcaught
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Aspiringmurdererscomefromvaryingbackgrounds.Perhaps
you'reangrywiththosedamnneighbourswhojustdon'tshow
HowTo
youtherespectyoudeserve?Maybeyou'rerichandbored?
ThisarticleispartofUncyclopedia's
Murderiseasy,butmostpeoplefindouttoolatethatavoiding
HowToseries.
comeuppanceisthetrickypart.Thankfullyyou'reoneofthe
SeemoreHowTos
cleveroneswhowillbepreparedtocrosstheline.Nosittingin
jail,sobbingasyouwaitforyournextturnasBubba'sbitch.
Youshallmurderwithimpunity,foryouareprepared.Let'sbeginyourjourneyinto
darkness.

Contents
Disclaimer
Quitefranklywedon'tcarewhoyouareorwhyyoushouldwishtocommitamurder.
Wejustwishtomakeitclearthatthisisyourdecisionandeventhoughthismaybea Wanttoconfoundthis
Belgiandetective?You'vecome
veryodddecisiononyourpart,wearenotinanywayconnectedwithyouracts.
totherightplace.
Pleasedonotreadanyfurtherunlessyouwanttobesuccessful.

Definition
Thedefinitionoftheperfectmurderisthekillingofoneormorepeoplewithoutbeingcaught,finedorsentto
prison.

Motives
Motivesareyourreasontocommitmurder.Theycanbelogicalorillogical.Theyareoftenusedbypolice,
detectives,FBI,CSI,oranyotherauthoritytocapturecriminals.Itmaybebettertomurdersomeoneyoudon'tknow.
Beawarethatthemoremurdersyoucommit,themorelikelyyouaretobecaught.YoumaydevelopanM.O,which
wouldallowyoutobeapprehended.
Sothebestwaytoavoidbeingcaughtistobetotallyrandom.However,thismaybeunsatisfying,solet'sconsider
whywewouldmurdersomeoneweknow:
Theysleptwithyourwife/husband/sister/brother/daughter/son/boyfriend/girlfriend
Theywon'tsleepwithyou
Theyattemptedtokillyou,oracloserelative/friend
Revenge
Theyareofadifferentfaith/religionthanyourself
Racism
Theyarebetterthanyou
Money

ABriefExplanationofPhysicalEvidence
Physicalevidenceissomethingleftbehindatornearthecrimescenethatwouldpointtoyouasresponsibleforthe
murder.Evenifyoulieandclaimyouwerenotresponsible,ifphysicalevidenceispresentyouwillstillbecaught
(exceptinafewcases).Inordertoperformaperfectmurder,youmustensuretheabsenceofphysicalevidence.
Beforeattemptingamurder,youmustreadthispassage:Locard'sExchangePrinciple

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AlthoughLocard'sExchangePrinciplemaybetrue,youmustproveitfalseinyourmurderbyclearingupevery
possibleevidencethatthepolicecansearchtoarrestyou.Youmustensurethatyoudonotleaveanythingbehind.
ThatisthewholepointinaPerfectMurder.

Yourperfectmurder
Let'snowstepthroughtheplanningandexecutionofyourperfectmurder.

Step1:YourLocation
OK,beforewestartallthis,letmedeclarethatYOUMUSTWEARGLOVESBEFOREATTEMPTINGAMURDER.
Withmoderntechnology,policecansearchforyourfingerprints.Withthickgloves,fingerprintswillnotbeleft
behind.
Also,doNOTleaveanythingbehindthatthepolicecandotocollectyourDNA.Fingerprintsaren'ttheonlythings
thatcanbesearchedforDNA.Yourhairoranykindofsecretionyourbodymakes(Sweat,spit,urine,sperms,semen,
menstrualbloodorevenyourshit)canbecollectedtocheckforyourDNA.
Donotchoosealocationthatcanbereadilylinkedtoyouoryourvictim.Considerararelyfrequentedlocation,
suchasanabandonedwarehouse.Donotphoneyourvictimorsendaletterinvitingthemtomeetyouthere.You
arenotaskingthispersonforadate,andyoucertainlydonotwanttoleaveanyevidenceofyourbeingthere.
Achatroomcouldbeused,butbesuretouseacomputeratalocationthatcannotbelinkedtoyou.Mostsuccessful
murderersoperateinareasfarfromtheirhome.Whentravelingtothislocation,alternateyourrouteandavoid
retainingevidenceofyourtravelssuchasbusticketsandsouvenirTshirts.Paywithcash,andavoidusingyour
ATMcardenroute.

Step2:YourWeapon
Thereareliterallythousandsofweaponsavailabletoyou.Becarefultochooseoneappropriatetothesetting,and
onethatyouarecomfortableusing.Theweaponsusedtoputdownaslaverevoltorazombieattackaren't
necessarilyappropriateforadiscretemurderattheopera.

Step3:Themurder
Trytomakethemurderlooklikesuicide.Thisisachievedbyrubbingtheweapononyourvictimwhenyouare
finished.ItcollectstheirDNA.Notethatthisstrategywillproveineffectiveifyoukilledthepersonbystabbing
themintheback.
Youmustquicklydisposeofyourclothingandanythingelsethatcouldlinkyoutothecrime.Fartoomany
murderershavebeencaughtwhenarandomtrafficcoppulledthemoverforspeedingandnoticedaseveredheadon
thepassengerseat.
Considertheseadvancedtechniquesrelatingtospecificweapons:
Knife
Applytheknifetothevictim'sneck,wrist,chest,orbackofthelegs.Thesearethelocationofmajorarteries
andveins.However,thisspillsblood,trymakingthevictimstandonalargepieceofplasticsheetingthat
coversyourlocation'sroom.
HeavyObject
Whackyourvictimuntiltheirscreamsend.
Fire
Burnthemtodeathbytrappingtheminasmallroom.Thisisrisky,sincefiremaybedifficulttocontrol.

Step4:RemovingtheEvidence
Ifyoufollowthissimpleguideyouwillcarefullyandsystematicallyremoveallevidence.Donotmissoutany
stagesitwillresultinanImperfectMurder:
Ifusingaweaponthatdrawsblood,ensurethatyoucleanthemurdersceneorotherwisedestroyitwithfire.Note
thatexcessivetidinessisinitselfsuspicious,soavoidgettingbloodonanythingthatwillbeseenbyothers.Ifyou
intendtomurderthepersoninapropertyownedbyyou,preparebeforehand.Considercoatingtheroominplastic
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wrapping.
Ifyouintendtomakeacareerofmurder,youshouldconsiderestablishingmultipleidentities,andyoumustalways
haveaclearescapeplanforeachlocationinwhichyoulive.

Step5:Disposeofthecorpse
Asimpleandeasywaytodealwiththecorpseistoburnit.However,burningrarelydestroysallevidence.You
shouldeitherchemicallyprepareafiresothatitburnsataround800degreescelsius,orreturntocollecttheremains
fordisposal.Aremotebodyofwaterisanidealchoice.Dumpingthebodyintotheseaisalsoveryeffective...just
don'tbethatquicktodumpthemneartheshore.Plancarefullyanddumpitwayoutthereinternationalyoucould
say.Tipcutthebodyupfirst.Removetheimportantorganslikefingers,teeth,feetandears.Itisbettertocommit
yourmurderinsummer.Rememberthatthebodywoulddecomposeeasilywhenthereisahightemperature.Ifyou
plantoputthebodyinaplasticbagandthrowitawayinthewaters,thenyouhavetothinktwice.Alwaysbarein
mindthatwhenabodydecaysordecomposes,itwillproducesomesortofgasthatwouldinflatetheplasticbag.If
youplantohideyourevidencesproperly,don'teverdoit.
Thisstepmaybeunnecessaryifyoutendtoleavethecorpsebehindtomisleadthepolice.

Step6:Blamesomeoneelse
Theclassiclessonofpoliticiansandbusinessleadersalikewillserveyouwell.Aswellaskeepingyourselffreefrom
blame,youmayintenttoframesomeoneelseforthemurder.Perhapsthisistoaidyourevasionoftheauthorities,or
maybeit'slinkedtoyourmotiveforthemurder.
Intheunlikelyeventthatthepolicesuspectyourinvolvement,thefollowingapproachesmaybeusedinorderto
makeyouconfess:
Guilttraptheywilltellyouaboutthefamily'sanguish,andhowthevictimsuffered.Theywillmakeyou
wanttomakeyourselfsufferasapenance.Avoidguilt,killsomeonewithoutfamily,whocannotfeelpain.
Or,youcandotheoppositekillhiswholefamily.It'llbeharder,butyoumustdoitorelseyou'reintrouble.
You'vealreadymurderedaperson.Thatprovesthatyou'recoldblooded.Itdoesn'thurttokillmorepeople,
right?
TheBadCoproutinetheyunplugtheCCTVcamera,swiveltheirchairroundandmountitrodeostyle.
Thisistheirwayoftellingyouyou'reabouttogetridden.Theywillbeattheconfessionoutofyou.Butthis
isveryunlikelytohappen.
Polygraphtestthesecanbebeatenbymakingyourresponseserratic.Whenaskedcalibrationquestions,
thinkofsexuallyexcitingimageryortenseyoursphinctermuscles.Bycausingunusualcalibration,the
fluctuationscausedbyyourlieswillfailtobenoticed.
Thepolicecandonothingaboutyouifyoudon'thaveenoughevidence.Sorememberdon'tleaveanyevidence
behind.
IfyoumanagetogetpastStep6,thenyouhavecompletedyourmurdersuccessfully.Now,becalmandstop
murderingpeopleforawhile,OK?
Retrievedfrom"http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/HowTo:Kill_and_not_get_caught?oldid=5866180"
Categories: HowTo Murder Crime Criminals
ThispagewaslastmodifiedonApril25,2015,at23:23.
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