9/16/2015

TextorTalk:IsTechnologyMakingYouLonely?Forbes

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TextorTalk:Is
TechnologyMaking
YouLonely?
MAY 24, 2012 @ 07:12 PM

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byMargieWarrell

Associalmediareshapeshowwe
connect,wehavetorethinkwhatwe
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needtofeelfulfilledinour
relationships,andrealizethatno
amountoftweets,textsorFacebook
statusupdatescanprovideit.While
socialnetworkingisagreattool,
theresaprofounddifferencebetween
anonlinesocialnetworkandareal
one.Despitethefacttherewillalways
besomeone,somewhereawaketo
likeourlateststatusupdate
howeverwittyorbanalitmaybe
whenitcomestofriends,quantity
doesntequalquality.
Recentstudieshavefoundthatdespite
beingmoreconnectedthanever,more
peoplefeelmorealonethanever.
Surprisingly,thosewhoreportfeeling
mostalone,arethoseyoudexpectit
fromleast:youngpeopleunder35
whoarethemostprolificsocial
networkersofall.Anotherrecent
studyfoundthat48%ofrespondents
onlyhadoneconfidantcomparedtoa
similarstudy25yearsagowhen
peoplesaidtheyhadaboutthree
peopletheycouldconfidein.Soaswe
havebuiltexpansivesocialnetworks
online,thedepthofournetworks
offlinehasdecreased.Soitseemsthat
becausetechnologymakesiteasierto
stayintouchwhilekeepingdistance,
moreandmorepeoplefindthemselves
feelingdistantandnevertouching.Or
atleastnotenoughtoavoidusfeeling
increasinglyalone.
AsIwroteinFindYourCourage,
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humanbeingscraveintimacy.
Neurobiologistshavefoundweare
wiredforit.Yetgenuineintimacy
demandsvulnerabilityand
vulnerabilityrequirescourage.It
requiresthatwelaydownthemasks
wecansoeasilyhidebehindonline,
andrevealallofwhowearewith
othersthegood,thebadandthe
sometimesnotso(photoshopped)
pretty.
Socialmediaallowsustocontrolwhat
weshare.Itappealstoour
vulnerabilityandvanity.Wecanpick
andchoosewhichphotosweshareand
craftilyeditourwordstoensurewe
conveytheimagewewantothersto
see.Yetitalsoprovidestheillusionof
friendshipthat,inreallife,maybe
shallow,superficialandunableto
standthedemands,andpressures
genuinefriendshipsentail.
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Digitalcommunicationcannever
replaceinperson,facetoface,contact
inbuildingrelationshipspersonal
andprofessional.Asastudyby
HarvardBusinessReviewfound,team
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performancewentup50%when
teamssocializedmoreandlimited
emailformoreoperationalonly
issues.Butwhetherlonelinessleads
peopletotheInternet,ortheinternet
toloneliness,itseemsthatmanyofus
turntotheinternettoavoidsimply
beingwithourselves.AsSherriTurkle
authorofAloneTogetherwrote,until
welearnhowtobeokaywithsolitude,
wearenotgoingtobeabletoconnect
deeplywithothers.Socialnetworking
providesameansofescaping
confrontingaspectsofourselvesand
ourliveswewishweredifferent,
better,moreglamorousandless
mundane.Itsanalltooconvenient
toolforavoidingsometimesharsh
realitiesandplayingpretend(to
ourselvesandothers)withourlife.
Onlinewebsitespromiseavatarsthat
willallowustoloveourbodies,love
ourlives,andfindthetrueromance
wedreamof.Butatwhatcosttothe
reallife(marriage,body,friendships)
wehavetofacewhenwecloseour
computerdown?Eventhemost
brilliantandmesmerizingavatars
cannotcompensateforwhatismissing
inreallife.
Dontgetmewrongonlinetechnology
isnotsomenecessaryevil.Farfrom
it.Itsamagnificenttoolforstayingin
touchwithpeopleacrossmiles,time
zonesandyears.Weveallwitnessed
itspowerinrallyingpeoplebehind
noblecauses(thinkKONY2012),
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overthrowgovernments(aswesawin
theArabSpringlastyear),enable
peopleinisolatedcornersoftheglobe
toplugintoresourcesandinformation
theycouldneverotherwiseaccess
(thinkNorthKorea),andprovide
opportunitytoconductbusinessmore
efficientlythaneverbefore.Butlike
alltools,wehavetolearnhowtouseit
well,andnotletituseus.Wecannot
becomedependentonittodothingsit
simplycannotdolikefulfillourdeep
innateneedforintimacy,genuine
connectionandrealfriendship.All
needswhichcanonlybefulfilled
throughsometimesuncomfortable
conversations,inwhichweshare
openlywhatishappeningtousand
engageauthenticallywithwhatis
goingonforothers.
Aswerelyontechnologyto
communicatemoreefficientlyinan
increasinglyglobalworld,wemustnt
losetoughwiththephysical
communityaroundusorforgetthat
humanelementwithinany
relationshipcanneverbereplacedby
technology.Themorewerelyon
technologyinourlivesthemore
mindfulwemustbetoturnitoffand
spendtimewithpeople,withoutour
gadgetsbeepingatustoreturntexts
thatreally,arentworthourtimeto
replyto.Whileitmightbestatingthe
obvious,ifyouwanttoconnectwith
peoplemore,youneedtobein
conversewithpeoplemoreopenly,
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authenticallyandwithavulnerability
thatmaysometimesmakeyou
uncomfortable.
7STRATEGIESFORBUILDINGA
REALSOCIALNETWORK:
1.Unplug:Turnoffyourcomputer,
putdownyouriPhone,stepawayfrom
youriPad,andtaketimetoengage
withpeople,inperson,withfaceto
facecommunication.Anightathome
with500ofyourFBfriendscannever
comparewithaneveningoutwithfive
friends,orevenonefriend.Ifyoucant
connectfacetofaceatleastswitchoff
thecomputerandpickupthephone
forameaningfulconversation,rather
thanaseriesofcryptictextsortweets.
Fiftytextmessagesoveradaycan
nevercomparewithjustfiveminutes
ofopen,caringandhonest
conversation.
2.Becomeabetterlistener:Too
oftenwetalktomuchandlistentoo
little.Learntolistenwellandbeokay
withyoursandothersstumbles.We
canteditrealconversationandwe
dontwantto.Itswhenwehesitate,
stumbleonourwordsorsimplyfind
ourselvessittinginsilencewithoutany
wordsthatwerevealourselvesto
othersandconnectmostdeeply.As
Ivesaidbeforeweconnecttoothers
throughourvulnerabilities,not
throughourbrilliance.
3.Engageinyourcommunity:
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Getinvolvedinyourlocalcommunity
orneighborhood.Jointhelocaltennis
club,orvolunteertohelpcleanupthe
localparkorspendsomehelpingata
localserviceorganization.
4.PracticeConversation:Ifyou
areoutofpracticeatmeetingpeople
takesmallsteps.Makethemostofall
chancesforsocialcontact,whetherits
speakingtothelocalgreengroceror
respondingtoafellowbuspassenger
whostrikesupaconversation.For
somepeople,justmakingeyecontact
canbedifficult.Soitmaybethatyou
havetobeginwithjustthat.
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