The 15 Habits of Incredibly Happy People

While happiness is defined by the individual, I ve always felt it foolish to decla

re that nothing can be learned from observing the happiness of others.
Examining how to be happy is benefitted from observing the patterns of others, a
nd then taking only what you find useful. Inspiration is the goal, not rigid rul
es on being happy.
For my writing at Help Scout, I ve gone over dozens of research papers in the purs
uit of learning more about the subject happiness at work is a topic we take seriou
sly, so I m always on the hunt for inspiration and insight.
Below I ll cover a few of my favorite studies.
1. Think of Yourself Less
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.
Thoughtful words from C.S. Lewis, but do they equate to real life happiness Our
self-esteem is a bit of a tricky topic, because current research on self-esteem
paints a very inconsistent picture it seems that high self-esteem is certainly r
elated to happiness, but it can produce other problems with the ego.
For instance, a
xternal success
to their grades
(grad school),

variety of research suggests that self-esteem that is bound to e

can be a fickle beast certain students who tied their self-esteem
experienced small boosts when they received an acceptance letter
but harsh drops in self-esteem when they were rejected.

Indeed, similar findings were reported for those who base their self-esteem on c
areer success and appearance. Conversely, those who do not tie their self-esteem
as strongly to external motivators tend to have less of a roller coaster of emoti
ons to the things that happen to them, and are generally more happy as a result.
Perhaps the most insidious danger of high self-esteem is that it can lead to a f
ocus on the avoidance of failure over the quest for success, which can cause a m
indset that protects the self-esteem by self-handicapping so one isn t ever seen as
a failure.
( Well, it doesn t matter that I failed, because I wasn t even trying

Instead, find a happy middle ground by heeding the words of C.S. Lewis don t think l
ess of yourself as a person, but think of yourself less, focusing more on better
ment of yourself for the sake of those around you, rather than for your own ego.
2. Be Busy, but Not Rushed
Easier said than done, right
Quite true, because although the research shows that feeling rushed is a one-way s
treet to stress and unhappiness, it also notes that less and less people can fin
d that happy medium of being just busy enough.
It seems strange that being very productive would cause one to be happy, but stu
dies suggest that balanced free time is key, as too much boredom can be burdenso
me in other words, strive for a productive life at a comfortable pace.
Often in finding this balance, you ll have to find out how to say

no to things.

Derek Sivers has a rule for things that you aren t obligated to do it either needs
to be a Hell Yeah! or a simple No. That is, if an opportunity comes across your pla

te (and the more you branch out, the more things will), you need to either be gu
ng-ho about the idea, or you ll need to say no to it.
3. Have 5 Close Relationships
Relationships are perhaps the most important thing (without exaggeration) when i
t comes to overall life satisfaction, at least for most people.
I m not telling you as your new-age life coach, I m telling you because I ve seen mult
iple studies that show having a close group of people in your life can keep you
happy for life (it can also help you live longer).
The number is often debated, but remember that it s not about debating the minutia
e, it s about the overall lesson. I chose 5 for this subheading because it seems t
o be a low-end average, as listed in books like Finding Flow The Psychology of E
ngagement.
National surveys find that when someone claims to have 5 or more friends with wh
om they can discuss important problems, they are 60 percent more likely to say t
hat they are very happy .
I ve yet to see any compelling evidence that more friends = happier, because after
all, the quality of the people in your life matters the most, just be sure to a
cknowledge that there are many friends to be made, and maintaining a small circl
e can go a long way in making you a happy person.
4. Be Proactive About Your Relationships
This applies to all relationships, but especially with your significant other I m no
t here to be your relationship counselor, but I will tell you that there is plen
ty of evidence to suggest that many relationships (especially marriages) decline
over time.
So what can you do
I found some interesting research from Northwester University that recommends a 2
1 minute evaluation (I ll forgive them since it s an academic study) to use on a rela
tionship.
While the study focused on marriages, one of the biggest takeaways for me can be
applied more universally
How would a neutral third party view your relationship recently
Oftentimes a relationship can go sour if you let it go on autopilot, and there a
re few things worse for happiness than losing a close companion.
Here are a few other findings from the literature
Regularly check-in with good friends (around 2 weeks for very close friends).
Celebrate the good things in their life; let them know through active and constr
uctive listening (ie, not just saying that s great to hear! ).
Don t be a conversational narcissist. Studies show people love hearing themselves
talk and talking about themselves, so let them.
Taking care of yourself is apart of taking care of others. In this way, your mut
ual dedication to improving yourself benefits both of you.
As Jim Rohn would say
The greatest gift you can give somebody is your own personal development. I used
to say, If you will take care of me, I will take care of you. Now I say, I will ta
ke care of me for you, if you will take care of you for me.

5. Move Beyond the Small Talk

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss peo
ple.
Eleanor Roosevelt s quote has certainly made it s rounds on many a Facebook feed, bu
t is there any truth to it
According to one study, small talk, instead of predicting your intelligence, may
instead actually hinder your happiness.
To be fair, the researchers note that small talk is obviously important for smoo
thing into social conversations, especially with new acquaintances ( Nice to meet
you, what s your opinion on abortion ).
In the long term, however, a happier life eschews trivial chatter in favor of lo
nger, more thoughtful conversations. In general, talking with others is a good t
hing for our happiness, but when the conversation is always superficial, it begi
ns to take a toll
the extent of small talk was negatively associated with happiness [and] the extent
of substantive talk was positively associated with happiness. So, happy people
are socially engaged with others, and this engagement entails matters of substan
ce.
Deep conversations are often those we reserve for close friends and family, whic
h again explains why close relationships are so important for our happiness.
6. Treat Yourself (the Small Pleasures Matter)
Jokes aside about treating yo self, surprisingly, the research has shown that you
need to have small wins along the way in order to be truly happy across many diff
erent domains, happiness is more strongly associated with the frequency than the
intensity of people s positive effective experiences.
This is confirmed by many studies dealing with SWLS (Satisfied With Life Scale),
which shows that regular small pleasures had a bigger impact on happiness than
fewer larger ones. Perhaps this is why it s often so difficult to put off what we
want now for what we want later, so beware of the trap here tough accomplishment
s that have to be earned oftentimes result in a happier day-to-day (working hard
to get a promotion, start a successful business, win an award, get in shape, et
c.)
In what is one of the funniest excerpts I ve ever stumbled on in a psychology book
, Stumbling on Happiness shares this excerpt from a study that shows why the hap
piest people often only had 1 sexual partner in the past 12 months
Why would people who have one partner be happier than people who have many One r
eason is that multiple partners are occasionally thrilling, but regular partners
are regularly enjoyable. A bi-weekly ride on a merry-go-round may be better tha
n an annual ride on a roller coaster.
Clearly a little treat and consistency now and then can go a long way for your h
appiness while you make plans for your big goals.
7. Plan Fun, and Spend Money on Experiences
While spontaneous fun is always a good thing, a variety of interesting research
has shown that it s the planning of future activities that often adds to the fun.
While the study above specifically looked at vacations (which may not occur ofte
n), additional research covered in Stumbling on Happiness shows that specificall
y planning a nice dinner can have the same effect. In fact, Gilbert (the author)

notes how most participants would actively schedule their free dinner (which th
ey won in the study) a week in advance, instead of the next night
Why the self-imposed delay Because by waiting a week, these people not only got
to spend several hours slurping oysters and sipping Chteau Cheval Blanc 47, but th
ey also got to look forward to all that slurping and sipping for a full seven da
ys beforehand.
Not only that, but these experiential purchases tend to make us happier, at least
according to the research. In fact, a variety of research shows that most people
are far more happy when buying experiences vs. buying material goods.
You ve likely heard this before, but why is this the case According to the literat
ure I ve read, experiences trump material purchases (in general) for the 5 followi
ng reasons
Experiences improve over time a great experience tends to age like a fine wine.
While researchers have noted that physical items can get old quickly ( Ugh, my pho
ne is 2 months out of date! ), experiences can be relieved and shared for years.
People revisit experiences more often going hand-in-hand with the above point, r
esearch shows that experiences tend to get recalled more often. You probably don t
reminisce about that first surfboard you bought, but it s likely that you fondly
remember your first surfing lesson.
Experiences are more unique say what you want, but people love comparing themsel
ves, and they prefer to stand out if they re able. Since purchases are often so co
mmon, researchers note that we are more likely to compare what we buy with other
s (which can result in buyer s remorse). But experiences always have a bit of a un
ique twist to them, so we are far less likely to make comparisons, and simply en
joy them as they are, relishing in their unique nature.
We adapt slowly to experiences consumer research shows that another reason why e
xperiences seem so awesome to us is that it takes our brain longer to get used t
o them. Have you ever felt really energized coming back from a great showdinnerv
acation It s less likely that a purchased item kept you excited for that long, and
it s because we are better able to adjust to material purchases.
Experiences are social human beings are social animals, that s a fact. Did you kno
w that true solitary confinement is often classified as cruel and usual punishment
due to the detrimental effects it can have on the mind Experiences get us out o
f our house (an epidemic in some countries) and sometimes out of our comfort zon
e, which is a fantastic way to kill habituation.
8. Keep Your Eye on the Prize
You ve likely heard of the marshmallow experiment, but a quick summary is that res
earchers found those children who were able to resist the temptation of eating a
marshmallow immediately (vs. waiting for the researchers to come back) did nota
bly better in some major areas of life, leaving some to conclude that delayed gr
atification is a solid predictor of future success.
The research has shown that there certainly seems to be some sort of connection
between delayed gratification and overall life satisfaction. People with self-co
ntrol seem to be happier with life. Since delayed gratification has consistently
been shown to be dependent on the strategic allocation of attention, it seems app
arent to me that discipline in this regard is really dependent on creating syste
ms to avoid the use of willpower.
Walter Mischel, leader researcher for the Stanford marshmallow experiment, had t
his to say about how people get discipline and willpower all wrong
The kids who couldn t delay would often have the rules backwards. They would think
that the best way to resist the marshmallow is to stare right at it, to keep a
close eye on the goal. But that s a terrible idea. If you do that, you re going to r
ing the bell before I leave the room.

You should also know that the patient children did the opposite instead of obses
sing over the marshmallow, they distracted themselves by covering their eyes, pr
etending to play hide-and-seek underneath the desk, or singing songs from Sesame
Street. Their desire never seemingly left them, it was simply ignored and forgott
en.
If you re thinking about the marshmallow and how delicious it is, then you re going
to eat it.
If you recall my article on building good habits, you ll find the research lines u
p quite nicely with this the best way to make sure you stick to the straight and n
arrow path that you desire is to set up barriers to prevent you from going astra
y akin to guard rails on a bowling lane.
Just like the kids in the experiment, you can get yourself a better payoff and l
ive a more fulfilling life if you can avoid compulsive distractions, but you nee
d to remember that the secret is in making them easy to avoid, not in powering t
hrough with willpower.
This means hiding the snacks out in a shelf in the garage, instead of in the kit
chen cabinet you frequent most.
9. Show Some Appreciation
Psychology doesn t always tell us what we want to hear, so it s nice when a good dee
d lines up with a great personal benefit.
I was happy to find this study that showcased how showing gratitude for someone
(or even for what you have) boosted happiness by a noticeable level. The researc
hers say 25%, but again, we re debating minutiae, the important thing is that it w
orked.
How can this realistically be applied though
Another study found that writing thank-you notes (or just a nice letter) was an
effective method of increasing happiness and life satisfaction. There are a lot
of fringe benefits to this as well people rarely get handwritten notes much anymor
e, so they stand out over a thnx via text.
Handwritten letters are also a great way to start the process of reciprocity. Th
ough you should be sending them out of sincere appreciation for someone, remembe
r that true networking (not the slimy business card kind) is about helping and l
etting people know that they matter to you.
10. Observe Happiness in Others
This one was really interesting.
Most of us like to think we are unique snowflakes, but sometimes things are popu
lar for a reason. In fact, research suggests that the best way to predict how mu
ch we will enjoy an experience is to see how much someone else enjoyed it.
In one study, researchers found that women were
predicting how much fun they d have on a speed
previous women. In other words, learning about
better way for us to internally evaluate if we

able to reduce the inaccuracy of

date by reading a rating left by a
someone else s experience is a far
will enjoy it as well.

11. Change Your Perspective

In one study researchers found that the simple act of listing 3 good things that
happened that day (no matter how small) increased happiness and decreased depre

ssive symptoms.
Furthermore, putting yourself in someone else s shoes (and avoiding a pessimistic
outlook) really can make you feel better about your situation. Perhaps most inte
restingly, a change in view can have a really big impact on your overall happine
ss.
It s known that the bad stuff often outweighs the good in our minds, so psychologist
s like Timothy Wilson have suggested how perspective changes can help us out whe
n times get rough
we prompted students to reinterpret their academic problems from a belief that th
ey couldn t cut it in college to the view that they simply needed to learn the rop
es. The students who got this prompt compared to a control group that didn t got bette
r grades the next year and were less likely to drop out.
So the next time you hear advice that you should believe in yourself and appreci
ate what you have, know that it s not as superficial as it might seem.
12. Pick a Skill; Master It
Excellence in anything increases your potential in everything.
As it turns out, regularly engaging in your signature strengths (is that not the
most stereotypical positive psychology term ever) is a great way to feel better
about yourself.
The long and short of it is that you should find something to excel in, and do i
t as often as you can.
I know, this is one of the more generic ones on this list, but I hope it serves
as some food for thought for renaissance men and women you can certainly still dab
ble in lots of things, but giving a single skilltaskachievement enough time for
mastery may allow for an exceptional experience in itself.
You should also know the research has suggested that mastering a skill may be ju
st as stressful as you might think researchers found that although the process of
becoming proficient at something took it s toll on people in the form of stress, p
articipants reported that these same activities made them feel happy and satisfi
ed when they looked back on their day as a whole.
13. Aim High
Recently, I ran across an interesting bit of information from the book Engineeri
ng Happiness
In his studies, the psychologist Jonathan Freedman claimed that people with the
ability to set objectives for themselves both short-term and long-term are happier.
I ve read additional research (here and here) that seems to back up this finding goa
ls really do seem to add a sense of meaning, direction, and focus to life that c
an easily become absent if we don t have anything we are currently striving for ( Li
fe is a journey, not a destination, so to speak).
Research by psychologist Richard Davidson would also suggest that making progres
s on a concrete goal doesn t just activate positive feelings, but can also stave o
ff negative emotions, including fear and (non-clinical) depression.
According to another study, researchers found that setting ambitious goals tends
to make people happier. You shouldn t go too overboard (trillionaire status, let s
do this), but know that big goals are often an important element of getting peop
le moving in the first place.

14. Exercise
No verbose headline for this one because there is no getting around it I don t care
how much you hate exercise, there are so many benefits for it (both physically a
nd psychologically) that you should be doing it regularly in some form.
To add to the pile, research has also found that exercise is a proven strategy f
or feeling better, increasing your energy levels, and reducing tension. And to p
rove that you should get started today if you currently don t exercise, one study
showcased how self-image improved (even when body shape didn t change) for partici
pants just by exercising.
Yes, starting to exercise may suck at first, but even taking the first step with
a 7-minute exercise may be enough that research suggests that a high-intensity se
ssion for just 7 minutes can offer a slew of health benefits.
Not only that, those who are just getting started often see the biggest boost in
happiness
The release of endorphins has an addictive effect, and more exercise is needed t
o achieve the same level of euphoria over time.
For the rest of us Switching up routines and making exercise one of our regular
habits is the key to lasting happiness. Also, dead lifts, many many dead lifts.
15. Don t Let Time Slip Away
This one is a bit less scientific, but I d rate it as one of the most important on
this list (the most important one is maintaining strong relationships, bar none
).
If you ve seen the notorious study on the Top 5 Regrets of the Dying, you ll recall
that the number one regret was not being true to one s own dreams
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is a
lmost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have g
one unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and ha
d to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health b
rings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
Perhaps the biggest wake-up call here is that these people didn t mean for this to
happen one day blended into the next, and someday passed by, and a call to follow a
specific dream went unanswered.
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