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Kayley Olson
Final Summer Paper
LSP 112
Professor Butigan
8 July 2015
Final Summer Reflection Paper
The epic pilgrimage that I embarked on this spring that lead to
my trip to Italy in early June was in a word, life changing. It changed
me, in many ways, spiritually and personally. Throughout this entire
eleven week pilgrimage, including the preparation before the
departure, my thoughts after it being concluded has made me feel as
though I am finally at center with myself and know who I am in the
world. In the beginning of this journey I felt lost in the world, in the
sense that I did not know what I was supposed to be doing with my life,
or even if moving to Chicago was a good idea or not, and through
many weeks of reflection I was able to dig deep enough and see that
my uneasiness came down to the troubles I had with my mother and
the whole that was left in my heart. A further connection was made
that showed me by going to Italy maybe I could possibly find that
healing and connection with my mother that I had not had before. It is
wonderful to say that after the incredible journey to Italy I have been
able to find that healing power through spiritual and personal
connection to everything I have experienced in Italy.
There was a longing to want to leave this sheltered life that had
been centered in the continental United States and go out and find my

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self. I thought this could be done by going to a foreign country without
my parents and the ties to my sheltered life I had lived with them for
eighteen years. I felt that I wasnt necessarily my own person, I was
more a reflection of my parents and there was a need and more so a
longing to want to get away from them and find myself. One could say
that going to college would prompt me finding my self, but I still never
felt completely segregated from my parents and their authority even
when I was in college.
I did a lot of self-searching trying to understand why I felt as
though I was lost and tried to compare myself to other people who
seemed to have everything figured out in the world. It seemed to me
that everyone found their place by looking to their parents for help. In
the sense that their parents helped define who they were in the world
and they helped them grow into the adult they were today. For me this
was anything but true because with the absence of my mother I didnt
know who I was and I thought we had to be a reflection of our parents
so I felt half empty for most of my life. That is why this journey to Italy
helped me understand who I really was. It was the spiritual and
personal connections I had to the sites we visited that allowed me to
slowly fill that hole in my heart and come back a complete person who
knew who she was in the world.
There were two key moments during my pilgrimage that really
spoke to my heart, the first was at Saint Franciss Basilica and more

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importantly the tomb of Saint Francis, the Sunset Madonna mural and
the giant mural on the wall of the depiction of The Last Judgment. The
second one was the journey up to the hermitage and the hermitage
itself and all the exploring that happened while visiting this. These
were the most powerful and impactful sites on my pilgrimage because
they were able to guide me towards self-discovery and reassured
myself of my place in the world.
The day we went to Saint Franciss Basilica in it self was my
favorite day we had in Italy. I can recall that we had started the day
with a small group reflection and we had brought up the injustice that
had happened in North Carolina the day before. We spent a good
amount of time talking about social injustice and what it means to be
peacemakers in our society. For me there was a tiny moment of
reflection that occurred that emphasized the importance of me wanting
to go into work that is apart of social change. We slowly connected this
to Saint Francis and even Pope Francis and his encyclical he has just
published. But overall this tiny moment had really shown me that what
I wanted to do with my life is very important and is necessary in
society today.
Anyways when we got to the Basilica of Saint Francis I was
amazed by how grand and big it was, that it had to be split up into the
upper and lower basilica. When I walked in the beauty of the lower
basilica took me away. I was instanteously drawn to the giant mural of

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The Last Judgment on the back wall. I could not really figure out what
the connection was that I had to it, but I must have come back three of
four times just to look at it. The vast beauty of it and they way it
depicted Gods plan for us and what happens when the bad takes over,
it in all honesty hit home. I think it emphasized for me the importance
to do good in the world and the reward that comes from it. Not just
personally, but spiritually it strengthened my relationship with God
because it glorified His love that He has for us. It made me feel His love
and how much He cares for us, and it made me want to continue doing
good in the world just for Him.
The other mural that I was infatuated with was with the Sunset
Madonna mural that was located across from a door that lead to the
outside. Apparently at sunset when the door is open, the light from the
sunset hits the mural and it glows exposing the Sunset Madonna, a
baby that is Jesus Christ and Saint Francis. This was a really beautiful
moment for me because for someone to design Saint Franciss Basilica
and to have a moment where it only lasts for a few minutes to glorify
this beautiful mural of Jesus and his love, and the people who love him.
It hit home for me with my relationship with God and Jesus Christ and
how someone would put so much effort to glorify this one beautiful
moment that only lasts minutes every day, then what am I doing to
show Him my love? It was a moment that made me realize and cherish
my religion and how it is important in my life.

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The other part of the day that was a really powerful moment and
one that was super impactful was when we went and visited the tomb
of Saint Francis. I do not know how to explain it but when I was walking
towards the tomb, I felt as though there was a force field in front of the
tomb where it became harder and harder to walk towards the tomb. As
I walked around the tomb and observed the casket that was
supposedly holding Saint Francis the overwhelming feeling that I had
subsided and a huge feeling of peace overcame me. As I walked back
to where there were pews where people could pray and reflect I sat
down in one of them and had a feeling to pray and meditate towards
Saint Francis. I found myself praying about wanting to follow Saint
Franciss steps and I reflected on how I still couldnt believe to find
myself worthy enough to be sitting in front of the tomb of the man who
did everything I wanted to do in the name of nonviolence, peace, social
change, and for the environment. After my prayer and meditation I felt
a sense of comfort in the tomb where I felt like I belonged, both in the
sense of my religion and spirituality but also with myself and what I
want to do with my life. I felt a huge sense of relief, like this big burden
of confusion had finally been lifted off of my shoulders. This was the
moment where my relationship with God and Jesus Christ was solidified
because I felt the comfort of Saint Francis, God and Jesus in that room.
And in that moment I realized that I didnt need to have my parents tell

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me who I needed to be, I found comfort with who I was and it was
reassured by my religion.
Our last day in Assisi was also very impactful and powerful both
spiritually and personally when we did that long hike up to the
Hermitage in Parco del Monte Subasio. I have had complications with
breathing since I was a little girl and complications with my hips
because I broke my leg when I was a little girl and it ended up hurting
my hips and how I walked. I always felt defined by what restrained me
in my life. These were both huge complications through out my entire
life and I hated that this is what I felt as though I was defined by in my
life.
When we began the hike up the huge mountain trail I did not
realize how much of a struggle it was going to be. Just walking uphill
from where we were staying at in Assisi to the city walls, was enough
to make me have to take an albuterol puff, and I could feel my
breathing killing me. In all honesty I had no idea how I was going to
finish the giant hike up to the Hermitage. But I just told myself to
persevere and keep going.
By the grace of God, I somehow made it up all the way. But it
was more than just an accomplishment of finishing it, I had completed
the hike in a timely manner, and was one of the first people to make it
up there. I had somehow managed to get over the fears and demons
that I had thought defined me and I was able to overcome them and

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come out, as a better person that I didnt know existed. During the hike
up there were definitely points in which I was about to sit down and
give up but didnt. I think there is something to learn from this where if
I can get over the major challenges in my life that have been major
complications for me for the past 18 years then I can really do
anything in my life. I mean I had been dealing with these issues for my
entire life and let them control my life and prevent me from doing
awesome things like I had accomplished on my last day in Assisi. In all
honesty I think this even proves that I dont need my mother who had
abandoned me, for a lack of better words, that I can be my own person
without her. And I had already proved that I could do this, since I had
relied only on myself to get over this mountain of problems, literally,
and come out better on top.
Once at the Hermitage it was beautiful. I feel so incredibly lucky
and blessed to have been able to discover and see as much as I did
with no one else up there, since Alondre and I were the first ones up
there, and it was awesome to just feel like Francis did walk like he did.
This was truly the icing on top of the entire pilgrimage. Buddhists talk
about reaching total enlightenment at some point in their life. Now I
am not saying that I am completely enlightened like a Buddhist,
however I feel like I reached it in my own sense where I had reached
that point in my journey of complete bliss and happiness. I guess in
terms of a pilgrims vocabulary, I had reached my center. Everything

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leading up to it were just building blocks to help me reach that point
where I felt comfortable with who I was and what I was doing in my life
and with my relationship with God, Jesus, and most certainly Saint
Francis of Assisi.
It is very safe to say that I underwent a transformation when I
was in Italy. I came back a completely different person. I no longer am
a person who lives in fear of my mother, I now have a better
relationship with her after explaining all of my feelings and fears I had
with her, and in all honesty I owe God for giving me the strength to do
so. My relationship with God is the strongest it has ever been in my
life. I now take time to appreciate everything that God puts in my life
and I take time to thank Him for everything He has put into my life. I
am overall more grateful for everything I have in my life and I feel so
blessed to have gone to Italy and been able to see all the greatness in
the world, and even more so the greatness within my own community.
Finally, my relationship with myself has completely healed. I
forgave myself for all wrongs that have ever happened, and for all
wrongs that werent ever my fault. I feel as though I am completely
healed. I can now look at myself in the mirror and look at all my infinite
worth, just as I can with anyone walking down the street. I see more
than just my faults, because now I know that all of the faults in my
world and in myself are not what define me. What defines me is finding
the strength to accept them, get over them, and find something better

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within myself. I feel more independent than I ever did, and I feel as
though I am a completely new woman. I am a woman who knows who
she is in the world. I am a woman who sees infinite worth in others
and in my self. I am a woman who has found healing in her relationship
with God. I am a woman who is completely independent. And most
importantly I am a woman who is infinitely loved by her friends, family
and God.