The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

Nathaniel Branden
Paper 5 of the Training to become a Certified Contextual Coach with Dr. P. Warschawski,
Attempt 2
Joshua Gonsher
April 18, 2016

Good therapy should be done quickly and efficiently, as the patient sitting across
from the therapist is suffering. Depressive symptoms should be alleviated with relative
ease; those with anxiety should have their assumptions disrupted leading to
rediscovered joy in a matter of minutes. Emotional pain need not last months or even
years until the "collaborative effort between clinician and client" reaches a therapeutic
climax. However, should one wish to become less vulnerable to psychic distress or more
resilient to it if it the individual lets it in again, some longer, independent work might
just be necessary. Much like the Inner Child assignments this writer completed to stop
his past from continuing to influence and affect his presentmore so than he felt he
wanted it tothose who wish to accomplish more and live with the protective powers of
self-esteem should follow the directives in Dr. Nathaniel Branden's book.
The first discovery of this book came when I saw that I had much work still to do
on myself. I read the Face of Self-Esteem section and saw what it was in action and
learned that minds that trust themselves are light on their feet. It is often nervewracking to be a therapist, sitting across from a client who feels so down that he puts
his life in danger or who is so fraught with anxiety that he cannot even leave his house
in the morning. Furthermore, it is easy to get bogged down with client stories and the
garbage they attempt to dump on me since they do not wish to deal with it. This is only
true if the therapist (or coach) has low self-esteem. It is the clinician who considers
himself worthy of his profession who can dance nimbly around the torrent of stories and
complaints expelled from the patient across from him, emerging unscathed and
unsullied. Therapists with low self-esteem may ask themselves, "Who am I not to
convey empathy to those in need? Who am I to ignore the very real sadness present in
my client?" in an attempt to be authentic and present for their clients. However, the
coach whose self-worth is not suspect can maneuver easily around this storm.
I often feel myself getting caught up and stuck in these weeds instead of
dodging themvalidating them first, of courseand then asking poignant coaching
questions. The point of contextual therapy is to focus in like a laser beam on the client
problem and not to get sidetracked. I understand that I will get there but only after
putting in the 10,000 hours. Part of having sufficient self-esteem is not being too hard
on myself about my current position, as long as I am doing something to improve it.
The defining, clarifying, and development of plans for achievement of goals must
be from the clients and cannot be based on what they want others to do. Should

coachees express that they want their spouses to be more attentive, their children
more obedient, or their employees more creative, this artful coach will reframe their
wants and require a more "independent" goal since we cannot change others. Just as
Dr. Branden says when speaking of the practice of self-assertiveness, "my life does not
belong to others," so, too, do others' lives not belong to him.
I had originally thought to use this book as a guide to use on myself, to banish
the symptoms of impostor syndrome. After realizing, though, that I have pretty good
self-esteem and that I have been constantly engaging in the "practice" of developing it,
I decided to use this manual as a way to fill my utility belt with additional techniques to
employ during therapy and coaching. When clients present with anxiety about not being
able to make decisions, I will often ask them what they stand for. When clients'
depressive symptoms manifest, I seek to reveal how they live purposefully or with
integrity to dispel feelings of worthlessness. I use the sections on self-assertiveness in
my group on assertiveness. With my clients, I use the sections on living consciously.
Often merely pointing out how patients have been sleepwalking through lifehow they
have been unaware of what choices they have been makingis enough to instigate and
effect change. Getting patients to feel incongruence when they become aware that their
actions do not match their values, in the safety of the therapy room, usually forces
them to come to grips with their maladaptive coping mechanisms (e.g., substance
abuse, self-injurious behavior) and allows me to invite them to try those that are more
productive or enjoyable.
The second discovery I made reading Six Pillars was in the section where
Branden explained that freedom means change, and handling change is an outcropping
of high self-esteem. I realized that I do not always handle change effectively. I would
often much rather remain in the garbage than do what is necessary to clean myself up,
preferring the known to the unknown regardless of it were painful or uncomfortable.
Additionally, when change comes that I did not implement or ask for, I sometimes meet
it with rebellion.
When asked by a supervisor to handle a client in a certain way even though I
had had my own interpretation of what to do with her, I may have held too tightly to
my preconceived ideas. The supervisor was upset with me and told my director of
clinical training. No lasting harm was done, but I was upset and felt somewhat guilty: I
did not treat the patient effectively, and I betrayed the trust of my supervisor. Another

example comes when I have a specific scenario in my head for coaching or therapy, but
the client or patient presents with something that does not necessarily fit with my
conceptualization. Instead of easily flying by the seat of my pants and being able to
change directions at will, I frequently force the conversation to where I want it to go, to
where I think my agenda would best fit, instead of listening to the client. Finally, I turn
certain discussions into arguments rather than letting the difference of opinions be just
that. I want to be right, so I sacrifice happiness instead of changing.
Working on my self-esteem has helped me understand that being a rebellious
child helps no one, and if I have chosen to become a psychologist/coachonly the
epitome of the "helping" professionsit would behoove me to better the ways I deal
with change. In my future practice, I plan on living on the edge of the knife in a session
and moving here or there depending exactly on what the client says then. I will not
simply wait for a pause in the talking just to fit in my cute comment or idea.
Furthermore, working with clients takes an aloofness that comes with high self-esteem
since I need to feel that it does not matter if my client likes me. I am lovable due to the
fact that I am who I am; no one can take that away. I will, in future practice, continue
building my self-esteem and remove my ego from the session.
The final discovery was when I realized that no one is coming to help me and
that I am on my own. This was difficult to internalize for the following reasons. I am still
in training to be a coach and still currently enrolled in a doctorate of psychology
program; I am very much under the auspices and directives of my supervisors,
mentors, teachers, and faculty members. Should I falter, I have several someones upon
whom to fall. I am connected to the proverbial high wire with a fall-protection harness
and have a safety net below. When I write notes, I am only the psychology extern
whose name is followed by the signature of the "licensed psychologist," and the
American Psychological Association will not hold me fully accountable whether with
treatment plans, therapy outcomes, or even psychological assessment reports. If I have
obtained consent at the outset of therapy and have told the patients I am working
under a supervisor, I cannot be sued by the client should I need to report child abuse or
homicidal ideation to the necessary authorities. And if I have assessed for suicidality
correctlyas per my training and according to system-wide best practicesif a patient
decides to take his own life, I will not be held completely at fault. Someone actually is
coming to help.

However, learning how to apply this in my position as a future coach and

therapist is the difficult part. Walking the precipice upon which I was previously
comfortably secured will be dangerous since falls will be my own fault, but staying
inside the building or even crouched and flat against the ledge has risks. Being a
student is fun and a necessary component of any learning process, but I am happy to
eventually cut the tether keeping me leashed to the mother bird and flap my wings
freely. I am a very independent person who appreciates autonomy and not being tied
down, so understanding that no one will come to help me makes the reality of doing
this on my own even more concrete. I am free, but I am responsible for my actions and
decisions. The frightening part is that if the threats above come true, I will be in
trouble; on the other hand, no one can claim responsibility or ownership for the
successes and breakthroughs other than the one who intervenedme. I imagine
bungee-jumping is incredibly fun, but free falling would be even better. If riding a
motorcycle with a helmet is fun, wouldn't riding without one be even more enthralling?
Using the safety mechanisms or training wheels to ensure success is all right, but going
it alone allows for the largest opportunity for success and excitement. I am eager to cut
the cords.
After reading this book, I feel even more prepared and empowered to help my
clients. I have been using Dr. Warschawski's techniques and incorporating strategies
from each of the books in the coursework thus far, but this section in the coaching
training was reassuring in that I am among like-minded "birds of a feather." It also
presented these truths in a refreshing manner and with a nod to my literary
background. Though much of this writing on psychotherapy is not necessarily cognitive
in nature or to be accomplished in a short period of time, many of the techniques can
be applied partially or assigned for clients to complete between sessions. This book can
be used as a protective measure to prevent and relieve psychic distress, and it is useful
to alleviate the anxiety at falling victim to them. As Branden says, those with high selfesteem "may never be entirely free of fear or pain, but they will have lessened
immeasurably, and they will not be intimidated by them."