"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.

"
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
==========================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
================
ATC: Heptr Taking off, We have no Flt Plan... where are you going?"
Heptr: "Going Up sir!!"
========================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bore
d!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediate
ly!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
==========================
Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock
, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fok
ker in sight."
==============================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at t
he end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe e
xit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
==========================
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fig
hter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that
he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fight
er pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================
I was told this story by an air traffic controller from his time at a joint mili
tary/civilian airport. An F-4 (USAAF fighter jet) pilot requested clearance to t
ake off, but due to the amount of civilian traffic the ATC told him he'd have to
hold. After a repeated impatient request by the F-4 to take-off the ATC suggest
ed that if the pilot could reach 14,000ft within half the runway length he could
take off; otherwise he would have to hold. To the ATC's surprise the F-4 pilot
acknowledged the tower and began to roll. At the halfway mark the F-4 went verti
cally up until he reached 14,000ft, then levelled off. The ATC had no option tha
n to hand the pilot over to departures and wish him a nice day, since he'd met t
he conditions laid down. The ATC said it was the darndest thing he ever saw.
=====================================
Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our la
rger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a sho
rt-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causi
ng us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he s
aid on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning ho
rn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run,
'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it.
The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shudder
ed to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our
VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."
===================================
Due to take off from JFK New York one morning in our Qantas 707 we were about ei
ghth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the aircraft, presumably experienc
ing a slight problem, a voice over the radio said, "Fuck!"
JFK Air Traffic Control (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fuck?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "I did not say FUCK."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "I did not say FUCK."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "I did not say F
UCK" reply.
==============================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we li
fted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departu
re on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copie
d Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the a
ctive runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, an
d taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got
on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourse
lf?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a rea
l zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough for another one."
================================
A British Airways 737 touched down at Frankfurt-am-Main. The tower controller, o
bviously in frivolous mood, transmitted: "Speedbird 123. Nice landing Captain, B
ut a little left of the centre-line, I think." Quick as a flash, the BA Captain
replied in a cool English accent: "Roger Frankfurt Tower. Perfectly correct. I a
m a little to the left of the centre-line. And my co-pilot is a little to the ri
ght of it."
=======================
A KingAir had just rotated (lifted-off the runway) at take-off when there was an
enormous bang and the starboard engine burst into flames. After stamping on the
rudder to sort out the asymmetric thrust, trying to feather the propeller and g
oing through the engine fire drills with considerable calmness and aplomb, the s
tress took its toll on the Captain... He transmitted to the tower in a level fri
endly voice: "Ladies and gentleman. There is no problem at all but we're just go
ing to land for a nice cup of tea." He then switched to cabin intercom and screa
med at the passengers: "Mayday. Mayday. Mayday. Engine fire. Prop won't feather.
If I can't hold this asymmetric we're going in. Emergency landing. Get the cras
h crew out." The aircraft landed safely with the passengers' hair standing on en
d.
==============================
My late father, who was on Fleet Air Arm Buccaneers, told this story involving a
pilot operating on an exchange arrangement from an overseas developing country.
My dad was sat waiting for take-off clearance when he heard the exchange pilot,
somewhere, request a 'bearing' from the ATC (air traffic controller). This was
duly given and after a few minutes a second 'bearing' was requested. This was th
e same as the first and after a third and identical 'bearing' was requested and
given, the ATC asked the exchange pilot if he had any visual references. The pil
ot replied that he had a haystack to his starboard side, at which point it trans
pired that he was lost on the taxi-way.
================================
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air fligh
t departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a Un
ited 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screa
ming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's diffi
cult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continui
ng her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! No
w you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay ri
ght there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi ins
tructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, w
hen I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Ye
s, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communicati
ons frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobo
dy wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "
Wasn't I married to you once?"
==================================
This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower
was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours.
There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at
the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the con
troller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?
." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no othe
r traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After
a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sara
sota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 1
0.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched
the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.
====================================
And another from Chris: As a controller at a small busy airport in Florida, my s
tory is about a student pilot talking to ground on an IFR morning (IFR means Ins
trument Flight Rules, necessitated by cloudy skies). At the time the transmissio
n was made, there was an 800 foot ceiling (of cloud) with 2 miles visability in
a light mist. Here is the communication - Student pilot: Ground, this is N12345
student pilot, and my instructor wants to know what the height of the ceiling is
in the tower. Ground Controller: Cessna 12345...it's about eight-and-a-half fee
t. There was then a pause in which both an Eastern pilot and a National pilot ma
de similar comments. The student pilot came back on the radio. Student pilot: OK
.. my mistake.. what is the reported weather ceiling at this time? Ground Contro
ller: 800 overcast..
=================================
A controller at the Nashville, Tennessee airport told me about an incident from
several years ago when he cleared a Cessna 172 (4 seater small aircraft) for lan
ding. As the Cessna turned to final approach, an airliner called in 'over the ma
rker' (5 miles from the airport). The Cessna was about a half mile from the runw
ay, and the controller knew he could land and clear the runway well before the a
irliner would land, so he cleared the airliner to land as well. A few seconds la
ter, the Cessna pilot asked the controller, "How far behind me is that 737?" Bef
ore the controller could respond, the airline pilot keyed his mike, and in a dee
p bass voice said, "Don't look back!..."
===========================
I thought I'd let you know about a time when I was up in the air doing aeros (ae
robatics) and turning back into circuit as one of my other friends was coming in
to land...
On contact with the runway the friend's plane veered off to the left and crashed
, narrowly avoiding a large very deep pond, just to the left of the runway on th
e taxi hold point. The pilot still managed to report: "Runway vacated..."
The airfield had a fit of the giggles, and happily although the plane was a very
mangled write-off, no serious injury was sustained.
========================
At the initial pilot training bases for the military, the landing pattern tends
to get packed (sometimes up to 12-15 airplanes for one runway) and some of those
planes are being flown by students solo (yes, a $4m piece of tax-payer money be
ing hurled around a strip of concrete at speeds of 200 knots by a 23-year-old ki
d fresh out of college with less than 30 hours of flying experience). Anyway, I
was sitting a watch in the controlling tower for the runway on a particularly bu
sy day, when one of my buddies from my class, who was flying solo at the time, p
ipped in with a PIREP (pilot report) for the pattern:
Solo: "This is Solo 72, there is some turbulence at point initial."
Controller: "Thanks for the warning."
Some instructor also flying in the pattern: "It's called wake turbulence."
========================
An F-4 with a Colonel at the stick was entering the tower pattern at Osan AB, Ko
rea, and wanted priority landing because of his rank and position. The tower con
troller was extremely busy recovering mission F-4s and OV-10s, not to mention th
e aircraft who were on final approach with approach control. The controller sequ
enced the F-4 and gave him a point at which to report. The pilot refused stating
that, "It was his airport and he wanted to land," (it wasn't his airport as he
would later learn from a 3-star and a 1-star). The control said "(acft call sign
), since you can't follow ATC instructions, hold 5 miles north of the airport. M
aintain radio silence unless an emergency condition exists. Report approaching m
inimum fuel." The reply from the aircraft was, "Roger Tower, we're number 5 and
will report a departure end break." The controller didn't escape the situation u
nscathed. He had to take a pretty severe chewing out, but there were no more pro
blems like that. Especially when busy.
======================================
Anyway, one day this kid takes a call from an aircraft requesting clearance to F
L 800 (80,000 feet)...
Rookie (dripping with sarcasm): "Okay, hotshot -- if you think you can take her
that high, GO FOR IT!!"
Pilot of the SR-71 on the other end of the radio: "Roger Control; now DESCENDING
from 100,000 feet to FL 800...."
========================================
French Simulator 'Pilot': "AF302 over NTM now."
German Controller "AF302 Roger. Report names of stewardesses."
FSP: "Claudette Colbert and Caroline Chose."
GC: "Colbert I know, but who is Chose?"
FSP: "You must know her, she was Alan Delon's third wife, between Truc and Nimpo
rte!"
GC: "Ach, these French actors, they marry and unmarry, I cannot keep track!"
FSP: "Well, at least, the French actors, they marry VIMMEN!"
... (long pause) ...
GC: "AF302 continue descent as planned."
====================================
Novice female military controller to US bomber leaving radar coverage, forgettin
g the correct terminology... "You are entering my dark area"
USB: "WHOOPEE!"
=======================
"Mumbai, what number am I in the landing sequence?"
"By the time you land, sir, you will be number one."
++++++++++++++++++
QANTAS pilot to copilot landing at Sydney, forgetting the cabin intercom was liv
e:
"What I need now is a cold beer and a hot shiela"
Stewardess hurries forward lest worse befall.
Chorus of passengers "Hey, you forgot the beer!"
================================
A huge C-5 cargo plane was sitting near where a small plane was waiting to take
off. The private pilot got a little nervous because the military plane was close
r than normal, and asked the tower to find out the intentions of the C-5. Before
the tower could reply, a voice came over the radio as the C-5's nose cargo door
s opened, saying, "I'm going to eat you." (
=======================
Instructors were known to party hard at night, even before a 'hop' the next morn
ing. A common 'cure' was to put on the mask and breathe the pure oxygen while th
e trainee got the craft airborne. The SNJ training aircraft had a tandum cockpit
 with intercom for personal communication between the instructor and the trainee
. These 'private' communications would be broadcast on air if the intercom switc
h were accidentally left open. One such morning following a heavy night for one
particular instructor, not long after the flight was aloft, the following was he
ard over the air: "Boy, am I ever f...ed up this morning." After a lengthy pause
a young lady air traffic controller demanded: "Aircraft making that last transm
ission, please identify yourself." There was an even lengthier pause, and then a
voice said: "Lady, I'm not that f...ed up."
========================
I was bouncing down the runway trying to land in a big cross-wind when the instr
uctor said "I trust we will be landing soon, because my medical permit expires n
ext Tuesday." The same year, I was flying a Navy SNB (C-45) and the instructor b
egan laughing as he read the squawk sheet from the previous flight. It said: "Or
der heater for co-pilot's seat."
======================
ATC: Alitalia 345 continue taxi holding position 26 South via Tango check for w
orkers along taxiway
AZA: Ali345 Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked - all are working
---
ARN851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requestin
g runway 15."
Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851 Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what
he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."
---
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, identify
yourself."
---
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three mil
es ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and t
hirty knots fer ya."
Cont: (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 mil
es ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahe
ad of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-1
30 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
==================================
---
Tower: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
Tower: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
Tower: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for
takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
Tower: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TE
LEPHONE after you have tied down.
---
---
Controller: AF123, say call sign of your wingman.
Pilot: Uh... approach, we're a single ship.
Controller: oooohhh! You have traffic!
---
---
O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain speed 250 kn
ots.
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.
---
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH 1019.
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019
---
Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"
---
---
Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
---
Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."
---
Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."
---
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
---
---
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the wa
y: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker
."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vi
enna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 50
00 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
---
Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But
we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."
---
Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."
---
---
Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours a
go ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
---
Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
---
Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in
the cockpit"
---
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."
---
A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"
---
München II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."
---
London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."
---
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin st
anding in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the ta
xiway.
---
Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"
---
Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."
---
Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back,
please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"
---
Pilot: "FLX 30, we just have a few gallons of fuel."
Tower: "Please give us your position, we dont see you at the radar!"
Pilot: "We are standing at runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel truck will c
ome!"
---
<big time eye-roll collection>
Do you have Charlie?
Negative, we left him back at the hanger!
Do you have Echo?
Negative, recieving you loud and clear!
Do you have Hotel?
Negative, We are staying with friends!
Do you have Juliet?
Negative, and please don't say anything to my wife!
Do you have Kilo?
Negative, but I think there a couple roaches in the ashtray!
Do you have Mike?
Negative, I have a push-to-talk button and a headset!
Do you have Oscar?
Negative, but I'm expecting a nomination this year!
Do you have Popa?
Negative, but I wrote him a letter last week!
Do you have Romeo?
Negative, Negative! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Do you have Uniform?
Negative, just jeans and sweatshirt!
Do you have Victor?
Negative, Who is Victor?
Do you have Xray?
Negative, my doctor wants a CAT Scan!
Do you have Whiskey?
Negative, not in last 8 hours, Am I not on assigned heading?
---
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on order.
Problem: Noise behind left panels. Sounds like a little man with hammer.
Solution: Took hammer from little man.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words