Let It Go!

Pasthurtsandoldinjusticeshaveawayofkeepingusstuckinourtracks,unable
tomoveforwardorexperiencejoy.Itcantakearadicalreboottogetpast
yesterday.Here'show.
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ByJudithSillsPh.D.,publishedonNovember4,2014lastreviewedonJune9,2016

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LookClosely.Alongshadowmaybecloudingyourfuture.It'stheshadowcastbythepaininyourpast
theparent(/basics/parenting)whowasn'tthere,theexwhobetrayed,thebosswhohumiliatedyou.
Orperhapsyou'restuckinplacebytheunhappyresidueofyourownbadchoicesthejobyoushould
haveleftearlier,thesexualsecretsyoukeep,thedoctor'svisityoudelayed.

Itisheartstoppinglyeasytogetstuckinthedarknessofbadmemories(/basics/memory).Theyare
emotionalquicksandandexertastrongdownwardpullonthepsyche.
Sometimesthepasttrapsusthroughunexaminedclutterspillingfromeverytabletopandcorner,
elbowingoutthenewandthepossible.Oritcommandeersyourdaydreams,obsessivelyreplayingold
losses,pastinjustices,naggingguiltsaboutthesibling(/basics/familydynamics)youtormentedor
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friendyouletdown.
Perhapsitlivesoninlitigationofamarriage(/basics/marriage)althoughthedivorce(/basics/divorce)is
adecadeold,orinrageagainsttheparentwhobelittledyou,oratyourselfbecauseyouoncefellfor
someoneelse'slies.
Thestrongurgetorightwrongsthatcanneverbeerased,torevisithurtfromwhichyoushouldhave
beenprotected,toclingtolostlove(/basics/relationships),tobrood,toavengethesearenatural
inclinations,toapointandforatime.
Time'sup.
It'sanaxiomofpsychologythatwearesomerecombinationofallofouryesterdays.Tomoveforward
wisely,wearethereforeoftenurgedtolookback.Butthere'sapointwhereappreciationandanalysis
ofthepastbecomegumonyourpsychologicalshoe.Itsticksyouinplace,impedesforwardmotion,
and,likegum,itdoesn'tjustdisappearonitsown.Youneedtodosomescraping.
Thepowertogetpastthepastdoesnotlieprimarilywiththenature(/basics/environment)ofevents
themselves.Theycountalot,sure.Butsodothestepsforwardapersoniswillingtotakeandhow
mucheffortheorsheiswillingtoexpendtopushsomeemotionalrockup,up,andoutoftheway.
Gettingunstuckinvolvesrememberinganinjury,butreconsideringitfromadifferent,moreempathetic
perspective.Movingforwardmaymeanreconfiguringarelationshipsothatyouarelessgiving,more
realistic.
Butitrarelymeanscuttingoffthoseties.Thinkalteration,notamputation.Gettingunstuckrequires
beingtruthfulwithyourselfabouthowyoufeelstillangry,sad,oranxious,eventhoughyouwishyou
weren'tbutholdingoutthepossibilitythatsomedayyoumightfeelbetter.
Isthereanythingyoucan'tgetover?Yesandno.Youdon'tgetoverit,butyoumightfindadifferent
placetoputit.Youdon'tforgetit,butthethoughtnolongerintrudes.Youdon'tpretenditwasn'tbad,
butyouhaveasensethatyoucanheal.Wedon'tgetoverthepast.Wegetpastit.

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AnOpeningAct
Gettingpastyesterdaydemandsboththinkinganddoing.It'sthingswedoaswellasthingswethink
thatholdusunwittinglyinapainfulplace.Arguably,it'seasytoshiftbehaviorsthatis,onceyou
pausetoconsiderthem.Moreintricately,gettingbeyondyesterdayisapsychologicalhighwireactof
lettinggo,ofreevaluatingexperienceandrelinquishingoldperspectives,ofdiscardingcherishedbut
mistakenbeliefs(oftenaboutwhatittakestobehappy),ofdelicatelybutdeeplyrecalibratingthoughts
andfeelings.

Lettinggomeanssomethinghastoopeninyourheadandinyourheart,butthatshift,thateasing,
comesupagainstourowninvisible,oftenimplacableresistance.Agreatdealofthatresistancecomes
fromnothingmorepedestrianthanthegreathumanreluctancetochange.Evenchangeforthebetter
isstillchange,ofteninitiallydreadedandavoided.Wearecreaturesofhabitandofinertia.
Agreatdealofpsychologicalresearchatteststoresistanceeventopositivechange.Itisoneofthe
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greatmarvelsofclinicalobservationhowmuchdiscomfortpeoplecantoleratebeforethey
acknowledgetheneedforchange.Andchangeisalwaysuncomfortable,atleastatfirst.
Lettinggofightsmorethanthepowerfulmagnetofthestatusquo.Italsocomesintoconflictwith
compelling,distortedthoughtsthatmakeholdingonappearreasonableandright.Wearegivento
magicalthinking(/basics/magicalthinking)("IfImakemoremoney,shewillcomebacktome"),to
delusions("Imustkeepgatheringthisevidence.Somehow,IcanbeprovenrightifIstickwithit"),to
sheererrorsoflogic("Mykidshaveneverappreciatedoradmiredmycollections,buttheywill
someday.That'swhyIhavetoholdontothem").Eachthoughtpatternisacunningargumentagainst
lettinggo.Eachneedstobedirectlychallengedandrescriptedbeforeyourheartandmindreallyopen
toanewstate.
Atitsdeepestlevel,theprospectoflettinggoforcesusupagainstourthreestrongestemotional
drivers:love,fear(/basics/fear),andrage.
Thetentaclesofrageareeasiesttounderstand,althoughdifficulttoescape.Toletgoofapast
injusticethatpreoccupiesus,wemustrelinquishournaturalburninghopeforequity,oratleastfor
exposingtotheworldthewrongdoeryourbrother,yourcrookedbusinesspartner,yourviciousformer
friendforwhoandwhatheis.Dimmingthateternalflameofrageiseffortful.Thebadguywon.It
happens.
Loveitselfisapowerfulcounterweighttolettinggo.Evenwhenarelationshipisoutofyourlifelong
afterthebreakup,thedivorce,eventhedeathitmayoccupyyourheartandyourhead.Lettinggo
meanslooseningthatinternalattachment(/basics/attachment),andthereforelosingthatloveagain.
Whatmakesthefreshlossworthwhile,ofcourse,isthatlettinggooftheoldattachmentopensupthe
realpossibilityofanewoneinyourlife.Thatwouldbesufficient,eveninspiringmotivation
(/basics/motivation),exceptthatitleavesablankspotwherethefuturelives,andwemostlyfillsuch
blankspotswithfear.Fearoftheunknown.Fearoffailure.Fearoffuturelossandadditionalpain.Fear
makesusclingtowhatweknow,howeverbaditmakesusfeel.
Lettinggomeansconfrontingtheseinvisibleemotionalbarriers:bringingthemintoyourawareness
andthenstrugglingagainstthem.Itmeanschallengingirrational,unproductivethinkinguntilyouget
yourheadonstraightitmeansfacinguptoyourfearandthencallingonyourcourageandyour
charactertofaceitdownanditmeansconfrontingyourpassionateattachmenttoapastloveand
reducingitfromabouldertoapebble.Putthepebbleinyourpocketasacherishedreminder,and
leaveroominyourheartforsomethingnew.

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StickingPoints
There'sanarrayofspecificbehaviorsthattendtomireusinthepast.Manyofuskeepourhomes
crammedwithunderused,outgrown,orunlovelyobjects.Whetherwe'rereluctanttofacethe
emotionaltwingeoflettinggoorunwillingtoinvestthesheertimeoreffortittakestodivest,themess
cluttersmorethanourclosets.Itcloudsourvisionandblockspositivechange.
Ifthosedrawersarecrammedwithunpaidbills,takespecialnotice.Crushingdebtcastsalong
shadow.Debtkillsyourspiritandyourpossibilities.Facetheproblem,seeafinancialcounselor,make
aplan,andgetout!

Receivingalimonyorthelikeislessobvious,butit'sstillpotentiallysubversiveenoughtomerit
attention.There'snofreelunch.It'sgoodtogetthemoney,butitoftencomeswithhighemotional
interest.Youmaykeeppayingandpayinginoldanger(/basics/anger)andresentment.
Likealimony,holidayscanbeadoubleedgedsword.Traditionisbeautiful,meaningful,andway
overdone.Ifyouarestillenjoyingtheritual,great.Ifyouhaveasecretyearningtobreakfreebutfeel
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you"wouldn'tbeallowed,"maybeyoudon'thavetobethatstuck?BreaktheruleofChristmas
morningandmanyotherrequiredbehaviorschangetoo.
Finally,fearsomely,thereisthatthingwedobehindourownbacksbecauseweknowweshouldn'tdo
it:Wecontinuecontactwiththeveryperson,theverysituation,thatwasdestructiveinthefirstplace.
Weoftendon'tgetbetteruntilwestopgoingthere.Youknowthatyoujustdon'twanttofaceit.
Startingatthedeepend,acknowledgeyoursecrets.Nothingnailsustothepastmorethantheenergy
ittakestokeepthem.Thenmoveforwardbymakingafrankassessmentofyourcharactertraits.Do
youhaveatasteforblame?Pointingthefingerfeelssogood,it'shabitforming.Butitmakesyou
powerless.
Nowtakeahardlookatyourhabitsofthinking.Haveyouallowedyourselftodeveloparigidmind?If
so,knowthatyouaretradingthepleasureofcertaintyforthepossibilityofchange.Andyoumight
wanttopausetoexamineyourmostcherishedmemoriesnamely,thoseofpasthappiness
(/basics/happiness).Fromadistance,flawsdisappearandgoodshimmersthrough.That'sajoy,butit
mightmakecurrentrealitydimbycontrast.
Tothedegreethatyoustopanyoftheabove,youwillcomeunstuck.Buttomoveforwardrequires
positiveaction.Asweknowalltoowell,withouteffortyesterdayhangsaroundonitsown.Thereare
sixactionstepstotake.
1:AnchorYourselfintheFuture
It'shardtoletgoofthepastintheabsenceofapositiveviewoftomorrow.Youneedavisionofthe
future.Aninvestmentin,adistractionthrough,oranexcitementaboutsomethingaheadwillsupplythe
energyandthewilltopushyoubeyondthepast.Creatingitrequiresdeliberatementalfocus.
Forceyourselftotakeanonlineclasswithaneyetowardgettingadifferentdegree.Hireatrainerand
keepdetailedrecordsofyourbody'simprovements.Createanewsalestargetorenvisionabetterjob.
Givingyourselfagoaltoworktowardwillhelptotowyououtofthequicksandofyesterday.
Sure,findingyourwayforwardcanbeafight.Thenewcozynestwilltaketheedgeoffthepainfulloss
ofanoldfamilysetting.Butyou'vegottolookatalotofrealestate.Thejobthatisabetterfitmay
makethelasthumiliatingfailureappearasablessing.Butyou'vegottoendureahellofalotof
interviews.Still,youremotionalburdenwillbelighter.
2:Discard

Pushingactivelypastthepaststartswithdiscarding.SomeyearsagoIdatedaveryfineman,a
widowerofthreeyearswhowholeheartedlybelievedhewantedanewpartnerandthatnewpartner
waspossiblyme.Buthishomewasfrozenatthemomentofhiswife'sdeathhermakeupsprawled
onthebureau,hermedicalbillsclutteringthekitchentable,herclothesspillingoutofclosetsand
drawers.Hisownlifewaslayeredoverthispapers,books,newshirts,andoldjacketseverywhere.
ThinkingIcouldhelp,andtiredofhisconstantcomplaintsaboutdisorganization,Ispentaweekend
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withhimtryingtodeclutter,tofreshentrying,really,tomakeroomformyself.
Attheendoftheweekend,alargephotoofhiswife,proppedinanewcorner,suddenlyfellover."Look
whatyoudid,"hesaid,rushingtorightit."YouknockedoverMarilyn."Marilynstayedput.Ileft.
Lookaroundatyourownspace.Itsendsamessageabouthowopenyouaretotochangeand
rebuilding.
Ruthlessdiscardisanecessarypathforwardunderspeciallifecircumstanceswhenyouaremerging
withanewpartner,intoanewlife.Nobodyneedstwobrowncouches.Or,morecommonly,discard
whenyouaredownsizing.Atanypointinlife,youmightfinditusefultomoveforwardbysimplifying.If
youaresinkingunderpastacquisitionsbrokentoys,oversizedmortgages,messybasements,stuffed
closetsdiscard(whetherbydonating,selling,orsimplytrashing)isyouronlywayforward.Buried
somewhereundereverythingyou'veboughtyouwilllikelyfindyourrealvalues.
Poignantly,discardwhenyouaresuffering.Slipthememorabiliaofyourbrokenheartorbotchedstart
upintowhat'sbeendescribedas"Satan'sSuitcase."Ifyouarestillnotabletotossit,stickitinthe
darkcornerofacloset.Somedayitwillmeannothing.Tossitthen.
Beginsmallyournightstanddrawer?Sortsmart:Keep,toss,ortransferownership.Asyougetinto
thespirit,the"keep"pilewillshrink.Preparetofeelanxious,energized,sad,overwhelmed,regretful,
andnostalgic.Itdoesn'tmatterhowyoufeel,aslongasyoukeepdiscarding.

3:Repair
Itwasananonymousletter,inanenvelopewithnoreturnaddress.Itcontainedfive$100bills,anda
simpleexplanation:"DearRichard,Iworkedforyou22yearsago,whenyouhadthatsmallbookstore.
Youwereafineboss,fairanddecent.Overtime,Istolefromyouyouneverknewit.Idon'tthinkyou
evensuspected.Hereisthemoneyback.Itcomeswithmydeepapologies."
Richardreadthelettertomanyofhisfriends,askingeachofusifthereweresomeoneinourpast,in
ourheadsorhearts,towhomwemightoweasimilarletter.Iamaskingyouthesamething.
Onesolidwaytogetpastthepastistorestoretoabetterwholethoserelationshipsthathavefrayed
whetherfromdisuse,misunderstanding,orareluctancetoseeyourpartinapastconflict.Youdidn't
steal,butyou'vecometoseethatyou'vedonedamageandwhohasnot?Youwereconsistently
meantoasibling,harshwithaparent,abusivetoanex,orunsupportivetoafriendinneed.

Makeamends.Makingamendsrarelymeansanythingasconcreteassendingcash.Itgenerally
involvesreachingouttosomeone,facetofaceorinwriting,andexpressingyourremorse.
Astatementofremorseincludesthreeessentialpiecesacleararticulationoftheharmyoufeelyou
did("Whenwewerelittle,Iteasedyousomeanly")achancefortheotherpersontoexpresshisorher
pointofview,oldfury,orpastpain,whichwillbeuncomfortabletohearbutrequiresvalidationfromyou
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("IcanseethatIletyoudown...treatedyouterribly...wasunfair.Youhaveeveryrighttobeangry")
andanauthenticexpressionofremorse,fromtheheart("IwantyoutoknowthatIunderstandhowI
hurtyou,andI'msoverysorry").
Therepairstepsmayormaynotrestoretherelationship.Manyotherfactorswilldeterminethat
outcome.Butitisawaytoputthatpartofthepastthathasbeenplaguingyoufirmlybehindyou.
4:TransformYourNarrative
Simplyput,weareourstory.Notsomuchthestoryoftheeventsinourlivesbutthestorywetell
ourselvesabouttheroleweplayedintheeventsheroorvictim,belovedorunworthy,competentor
careless.
Onepowerfulstrategyforeasingthepainofthepastistorewritekeyaspectsofthestoryfromamore
balanced,empatheticperspective.Ahealthyrewritemakesyoulessvictimized,lessdevastated,less
lostthantheoneyoutoldyourselfatthetimeoftheoriginalinjury.Itreducesthedeeprage,loss,and
fearthathavebeenholdingyouback."Iwasbitterforalongtimebecausemyhusbandhadanaffair
thatendedourmarriage.Iwasunhappyinthemarriage,butatleastIdidn'tbetrayhim!Istopped
beingangrywhenIsawthathisaffairunlockedthedoorforbothofus.Igottoleaveandstillbethe
goodguy.Thatwasagift."
"Mybrotherinlawwalkedawayfromourfamilybusinesswhenwewerenearingbankruptcy.Ithought
hewasaselfishbastardwhotookadvantageofme.Mybitternesssplitourfamilyforadecade.
Eventually,though,Icametoseethatweweretwomenwhoeachhadachoicetomakeataforkin
theroad.Wechosedifferently.Hewasn'tputtingoneoveronmeithadnothingtodowithme.OnceI
trulyacceptedthis,thefamilycouldsitdowntoarealThanksgivingdinner."
Rewritesdonotattempttochangethefactsofthenarrative.Theysimplyseethosefactsthroughmore
mature,moreempathetic,lessinjuredeyes.Thoseeyeshelpyouletgo.
5:Forgive
Thetransformednarrativeisastepalongthatrockiestofpaths,towardforgiveness
(/basics/forgiveness).Isitreallypossibletobedeeplyhurt,unjustlytreated,grievouslywronged,and
forgivetheperpetrator?ItisI'veseenit.Anditisthemostprofoundwaytofreeyourselffromthe
emotionalintrusionsofthepast.
Ithelpstounderstandwhatpartsofyourselfyouareupagainst.Whenwearedeeplywronged,there
arepowerfulrewardstostayingangry.Rageislikeagiantbillboardadvertising(/basics/consumer

behavior)theevilsofourassailant.Forgiveness,ontheotherhand,canfeelasifyouarelettingthe
badguyoff,endorsinghimeven.Thatfeelsintolerable.Too,angercanbeverymotivatingitgivesus
couragetoconfronttheunfairboss,energytogetthroughthepainfultrial.
That'salottogiveup,forthesakeofforgiveness.Youwillhavetocometobelievethatthereismore
tobegainedbyforgivingthanbystayingangry.Usually,andeventually,thereis.Whenthereisno
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longeraconstructiveactionsteptobetakenthatrequiresyourangerasitsfuel,thecosttoyouofthe
rageyouarecarryingexceedstherewardsofpunishingtheoffender.Atthatmoment,forgivenessis
possible.
Forgivenessisadecision,notacapitulation.Itsays,"Youwrongedme.Ididn'tdeserveit.I'vebeen
angrylongenough.IamlayingdownmyangerbecauseIdon'tneedtocarryitanymore."
Recordyourdecisiontoforgive,ortellasignificantpersoninyourlife.Writealettertothepersonwho
hurtyouandtellhimorherexactlyhowyouwerewronged.Includeyournewnarrativethattellsyour
transformedstory.("Dad,yourrageswereterrifying,butIamnowableforgiveyouforbeingan
alcoholic(/basics/alcohol).Youwouldneverhavechosenthatstruggle.")
Forgivenessalsoappliestotheruthlessselfinjury(/basics/selfharm)someofusinflictforthe
shortcomingsofourownimperfectselves.Forthehurtfullieyoutold,theopportunityyoublew,the
moneymisspent,thetaxesunfiledforthetimeyoucalledyourchildstupidorlazyforanyandall
thosethingsforwhichyouarebeatingyourselfup,takeoneorallofthesestepstoforgiveyourself.
Remediate:Paythetaxes,facethefine.Makethingsrightwhereyoucan.
Apologize:Acknowledgetheharmyou'vecaused.Thatdoesmorethaneasetheotherperson's
distress.Itisheartmedicineforyourself.
Confess:Tellafriendaboutyourmomentofbadmothering.Tellyourspouseaboutyourstupidoffice
screwup.
Imposeapenalty:Feelingguilty(/basics/guilt)aboutyourrudenesstoyourmate?Aftertheapology,
offertodohisorherleastlikedchoreforaweek.WRITEONEHUNDREDTIMES:"Goodjudgment
comesfromexperienceexperiencecomesfrombadjudgment."
6:LearntoBePresent
Nothingnotonesingletechniqueorinnerevolutionisaspowerfulanantidotetothepastasthe
capacitytobepresentinthehereandnow.Unfortunately,ournaturalcapacityforthatfocusis
severelylimitedbythosegreatemotionalmagnetsofpastandfuturefear,love,rage,anxiety,
shame(/basics/embarrassment),regret,fantasy.
Theabilitytofocusonthepresentisamenabletoimprovement.Thetechniquethroughwhichyou
betterthatcapacityismindfulness(/basics/mindfulness),apracticeinwhichyounoteina

nonjudgmentalwaythethoughtsandsensationsoccurringatthisverymoment.
Mindfulnessisanacquiredskill.Itsstress(/basics/stress)reductionbenefitsarewelldocumentedand
therearemanypositiveemotionalandspiritual(/basics/spirituality)sideeffects.Anditstillhasa
bonus:Asyourskillatmindfulnessincreases,youwill,bydefinition,getpastthepast.
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