SEINFELD

"The National Tragedy"

by
Tom Beecher

COLD OPENING
INT. CORKLIN FUNERAL HOME - DAY
(JERRY)
JERRY STANDS NEXT TO A HUGE PHOTO OF GEORGE COSTANZA. A
WREATH HANGS ON THE PHOTO, A RIBBON DECLARES WE WILL NEVER
FORGET. JERRY PICKS UP THE MICROPHONE.
JERRY
What is it with these people that
think God cant do anything for
himself? Whenever someone dies theres
a guy who says something like We all
know Hank loved to coach baseball. God
must have been starting a little
league in Heaven. God is all
powerful, hes all knowing, but he
needs Hank to hit grounders and popups twice a week. We all know that
George was amazing at parallel
parking. In Georges case I like to
think God found a parking space right
in front of his building. A space so
tight only a true artist could fit
into it. Thats when George was
called. George walked into Tower Two
that morning, thinking he would be
interviewed for a job at the Port
Authority. In actuality, he had an
appointment to parallel park with God.
(MORE)

2.
JERRY (CONT'D)

Now, whenever I try to squeeze into a

space in front of my building Ill
crank the wheel, and think of George
Costanza.

3.

ACT ONE
INT. COSTANZA HOME - LATER
(FRANK, ESTELLE, JERRY, ELAINE, KRAMER)
JERRY AND ELAINE STAND NEXT TO GEORGES PARENTS, FRANK AND
ESTELLE.
FRANK
(outraged at Jerry)
You got a womans phone number? At a
memorial service?
ESTELLE
Whats wrong with that? She was
gorgeous!
FRANK
Its supposed to be a somber occasion,
not a mixer.
ESTELLE
Hes trying to move on, for GEORGIE!!!
FRANK
And that eulogy, what the heck was
that?!? Is there somethin wrong with
you?
JERRY
Sorry, Mr. Costanza. I did the best I
could...under the circumstances.
ELAINE WALKS UP WITH A PLATE FULL OF CUPCAKES.
ELAINE
Where did you get these cupcakes?
ESTELLE
Theyre from Schreuders.

4.

FRANK
I waited in line forty five minutes
for those.
ELAINE
Its rich, but light. Its like eating
a chocolate cloud. Oh my God! I
havent felt this good in years.
JERRY CRINGES AS FRANK AND ESTELLE STARE AT ELAINE.
JERRY
Elaine...
ELAINE
(realizing)
I mean, aside from George...and the
recent national tragedy. Im going to
see if there are any left.
KRAMER COMES OVER HOLDING A PLATE OVERFLOWING WITH COLD CUTS
AND POTATO SALAD.
KRAMER
Great spread, Frank. Its a fitting
tribute to a hero like George.
FRANK
(glaring at Jerry)
At least something is.
ESTELLE
Its nice having people over, keeps me
occupied. Do you have enough to eat,
Kramer?

5.

KRAMER
I could go for a piece of that pie I
smell.
FRANK
Thats not pie, its renuzit.
ESTELLE
I told you pick up pies while you were
at Schreuders!
FRANK
I dont have enough on my mind?!?
(turning on Jerry)
Why would God need someone to parallel
park for him? It doesnt make any
sense!
JERRY
I thought George would have enjoyed
it.
FRANK
Who enjoys being mocked? Who?!?
ESTELLE
Stop it, Frank! It was touching,
Jerry. Odd, but touching.
JERRY
I guess its too soon to try and be
funny.
ESTELLE
It was supposed to be funny?

6.

FRANK
At a memorial service? What kind of
eulogizer are you?!?
JERRY
We all deal with grief in different
ways.
KRAMER
(muffled by a mouth full of
food)
Amen to that.

7.

INT. JERRYS APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - LATER

(GEORGE, JERRY, ELAINE)
JERRY ENTERS THE APARTMENT. GEORGE, ALIVE AND WELL, IS
SITTING ON THE COUCH READING THE NEW YORK POST.
GEORGE
(excited)
So? How was it?
JERRY
Youve got to tell Kramer and your
parents youre alive. Kramer hasnt
stopped eating in a week, and your
father wants to kill me because of
that eulogy you wrote.
GEORGE WAVES HIM OFF.
GEORGE
The Memorial Service! I want details!
Was it standing room only? Tell me it
was standing room!
JERRY
About a hundred people showed up.
GEORGE
Thats respectable.
JERRY
Considering youre alive, its
ridiculous.
GEORGE
Were people bereft? I wanted a very
sad memorial.

8.

JERRY
It was a somber occasion, you would
have been pleased.
GEORGE
Anyone famous come?
JERRY
Am I famous?
GEORGE
Youre not even well known.
JERRY
Then no.
GEORGE IS DISAPPOINTED.
GEORGE
I was hoping Giuliani might show.
JERRY
Nope, no Rudy. But you know who was
there? Janice Banks.
GEORGE
(in disbelief)
Gorgeous Janice Banks?
JERRY
Gorgeous Janice Banks! Shes a Fox
News Reporter.
GEORGE
At my memorial service? Was sheJERRY
-Oh, she was gorgeous.

9.

GEORGE
Bereft, Jerry! Was she bereft?
JERRY
I didnt notice.
GEORGE
(outraged)
Didnt notice? If you were asking
about your memorial service I would
know exactly who was or was not bereft
and/or grieving.
JERRY
Im gonna hold you to that.
GEORGE
(ecstatic)
Who knew the best day of my life would
be the day of my memorial?
JERRY
And they said irony was dead.
GEORGE
This is amazing! Janice Banks!
JERRY
I know, and I got a date with her!
GEORGE
(shocked)
You what?
SFX: BUZZER.
JERRY PRESSES THE INTERCOM BUTTON.
ELAINE
Its me.

(O.S.)

10.

JERRY
Come on up.
(hurt)

GEORGE

But Jerry, I had dibs.

JERRY
You lost dibs.
(angry)

GEORGE

You cant lose dibs! You never lose

dibs!
JERRY
When you die, you lose dibs.
GEORGE
But Im not really dead!
JERRY
I wonder how Janice would feel about
that?
GEORGE
I cant believe youre usurping my
dibs.
ELAINE ENTERS.
GEORGE (CONT'D)
Elaine, settle an argument. Dibs dont
die do they?
ELAINE
What are you-

11.

JERRY
-Say youre in line at the deli, and
the person in front of you dies. Do
you step around the corpse and place
an order? Or do you walk out, never to
eat sandwiches again?
ELAINE
This kind of stuff is still important
to you?
GEORGE

JERRY

Yeah.

Of course.

ELAINE IS DISGUSTED.
ELAINE (CONT'D)
Youre pathetic. We spend our whole
lives worrying about nothing, then
when something finally happens,
nothing changes.
GEORGE
Things have definitely changed,
Elaine. Those towers coming down are
the best thing that ever happened to
me.
(angry)
What?

ELAINE

12.

GEORGE
Its my dream come true. Ever since I
can remember Ive dreamed of being
somebody else. Now Ive finally got
that chance.
JERRY
Where others see tragedy, Costanza
sees opportunity.
ELAINE
Have you thought of what youre
putting your parents through!?!
GEORGE
My parents? Elaine, please. Last week
their son was a basement dwelling
loser who couldnt find a job. Today
Im a hero.
ELAINE
You overslept you idiot! Missing a job
interview doesnt make you a hero.
GEORGE
Dont be lazy they told me, work
hard they said. I was lazy, I
overslept, and I missed a job
interview that would have killed me.
If I listened to people like you, Id
be dead!

13.

ELAINE
When you do die youre goin straight
to hell.
GEORGE
My fate was sealed long ago, Elaine.
Long ago.
JERRY
On a lighter note, I got you guys
seats at the Tribute to Our Heroes.
GEORGE
Hey!
ELAINE
I cant believe youre performing
there!
JERRY
I know, Springsteen asked for me by
name.
ELAINE SHOVES JERRY.
ELAINE
Get out! Youre really getting famous!
JERRY
(to George)
Im fairly well known.
GEORGE GRABS HIS COAT. HE PULLS OUT A LARGE FAKE BEARD FROM
HIS POCKET AND PUTS IT ON.
GEORGE
If youll excuse me, Shane has a job
interview.

14.

JERRY
Whos Shane?
GEORGE
Im Shane. Its my alias.
ELAINE
What if you run into your mother?
GEORGE TAKES OUT A FAKE BEARD AND PASTES IT ON HIS FACE.
GEORGE
Thats why Shane has a beard.
ELAINE
You think one little change is going
to keep her from recognizing you?
JERRY
Who do you think your mother is, Lois
Lane?

15.

INT. FBI NY FIELD OFFICE - DAY

(KRAMER, AGENT CULLIGAN, AGENT JENKS)
KRAMER LEANS BACK IN A SEAT ACROSS FROM AGENT JENKS, AS AGENT
CULLIGAN FILLS A MUG AT THE COOLER.
KRAMER
What Im saying is our agencies should
cooperate, you know, share
information.
AGENT CULLIGAN
Our agencies?
KRAMER
Yeah. Im head of the building
security task force.
AGENT CULLIGAN
What exactly are you up to over there?
KRAMER
Weve got a few projects. Security
checkpoint in the lobby, color coded
alert system. Just this morning we
lowered our alert level to chartreuse.
AGENT JENKS
Weve got enough on our plate, we
cant waste our time with some souped
up neighborhood watch.
KRAMER
Dont you see? If everybody did this
we could have eyes and ears in every
building in New York City!

16.

AGENT CULLIGAN
Mr. Kramer, youre barking up the
wrong tree.
KRAMER
(flabbergasted)
The battlefields on my doorstep and
you expect me not to fight?
AGENT JENKS
Leave fighting terrorism to the
professionals.
KRAMER
Youre doin a BANG UP JOB so far!
AGENT CULLIGAN
Whatd you say?
KRAMER
Oh, you heard me G-Man!
JENKS TRIES TO SEPARATE KRAMER AND AGENT CULLIGAN AS THEY
TUSSLE.

17.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

(ELAINE, JERRY)
JERRY AND ELAINE SIT ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER AT THE COFFEE
SHOP.
ELAINE
I cant believe Springsteen knows who
you are! Thats incredible! Do you
think you can get Fred a ticket too?
JERRY
Fred the Jealous Fireman? I thought
you were going to break up with him?
ELAINE
I was, but I cant break up with a
fireman, Jerry. Not now.
JERRY
No, no, not now. Is he still convinced
were having an affair?
ELAINE
Well, we are together a lot. It makes
sense.
JERRY
(motions between Elaine and
himself)
This doesnt make sense. This never
made sense. Thats why this doesnt
exist anymore.
ELAINE
I remember why.

18.

JERRY
So, has this guy received a full
pardon, Governor? Or just a stay of
execution?
ELAINE
I dont know. Whats the etiquette?
How long do I have to pretend to like
this guy?
JERRY
You might be off the hook sooner than
you think.
ELAINE
Really?
JERRY
(lecturing)
These are different times - its a
different world. 9/11 changed
everything, Elaine. And yet, it
changed nothing. Weve been ordered to
live our lives as normal.
ELAINE
Yeah. Never forget it, but act like it
never happened.
JERRY
Ergo, if you would have dumped him
before, you should dump him now.

19.

ELAINE
Really? No national tragedy grace
period? Even for a fireman?
JERRY
Its your duty as a patriot to do
exactly what you were going to do
before 9/11.
ELAINE
Well, I hope youre ready for a tough
crowd at the Garden, hes gonna be one
unhappy firefighter.
JERRY
Im a professional, Elaine. Hell be
nine-a-laughin in no time.
(off of Elaines appalled
look)
Too soon?
ELAINE
Uh, yeah.

20.

INT. CALLSTROM, VICKS, AND TEPPER - DAY

(BRAD, GEORGE, MR. CALLSTROM)
FAKE BEARDED GEORGE SITS ACROSS A CONFERENCE TABLE FROM MR.
CALLSTROM, 50S, DISTINGUISHED. MR. CALLSTROMS DEPUTY, BRAD,
30S, SITS NEXT TO CALLSTROM GLARING AT GEORGE.
BRAD
Youve got no experience in
architecture?
GEORGE
Is that a prerequisite?
BRAD
(outraged)
You think you can just walk in here
and become an architect? This is Lance
Callstrom! You do not waste hisMR. CALLSTROM
-Brad!
(to George)
Explain yourself.
GEORGE
Some might say having no experience in
architecture is a weakness. But I
believe thats a narrow, pre 9/11
view. At this time in our history,
what architecture firms need, no, what
our country needs is the unbridled,
self taught passion of a street
architect.
BRAD
Thats ridiculous.

21.

MR. CALLSTROM
Brad! Hes right. 9/11 changed
everything.
(to George)
I like your style, Mr.GEORGE
-Shane, sir. Just Shane.
MR. CALLSTROM
You can start tomorrow. Were having a
concept meeting, memorial proposals,
10 AM sharp.
GEORGE
Thats incredible, I love memorials.

22.

INT. JERRYS APARTMENT - DAY

(KRAMER, JERRY)
KRAMER IS LECTURING TO JERRY AS HE RUMMAGES THROUGH THE
REFRIGERATOR.
KRAMER
What better way to pay tribute to
George than helping prevent another
9/11?
JERRY
Kramer, Im not joining your Building
Security Task Force.
KRAMER
Come on, you can be chair of the
Steering Committee. You know, if you
dont help outJERRY
-They win?
KRAMER
Yyyyyeah!
JERRY
You said if I don't go shopping, they
win?
KRAMER
Uh huh.
JERRY
If I don't hang a flag out my window,
they win?
KRAMER
Yup.

23.

JERRY
I don't see how they can lose.
KRAMER RECOILS IN SHOCK.
KRAMER
Jerry, thats unpatriotic.
JERRY
I dont care.
KRAMER
Come on, sit with me at the checkpoint
tonight.
(enticing)
Ill let you hold the flashlight.
JERRY
Ive got a date tonight with Gorgeous
Janice Banks.
KRAMER
Nice. Show that lady of yours a good
time. OrJERRY
-Or they win?
KRAMER
Yahtzee!

24.

INT. SCHREUDERS BAKERY - DAY

(ELAINE, FRED, WOMAN, CROWD)
ELAINE AND FRED ARE WAITING IN A LONG LINE AGAINST THE WALL
OF A VERY POPULAR BAKERY. FRED IS WEARING AN FDNY BASEBALL
CAP.
ELAINE
I cant believe it. This line hasnt
moved in ten minutes! Whats going on
up there?
FRED
So what were you doing earlier? You
with Jerry again?
ELAINE
I dont know, maybe. God I need one of
these cupcakes!
FRED
I knew it! Always at his apartment, at
the coffee shop, Im gonna kill him!
FRED PUNCHES THE WALL. ELAINE IS EMBARRASSED BY FREDS
OUTBURST. SHE HAS HAD ENOUGH.
ELAINE
Fred, we need to talkWOMAN
(to Fred)
Excuse me, sir? I couldnt help but
notice your hat, are you a
firefighter?
FRED
Yes.

25.

WOMAN
Thank you for what you do. I wish
there was a way to show that we cared.
THE PEOPLE IN LINE START TO CLAP FOR FRED.
ELAINE
This fireman is in a hurry, do you
think we could cut in front of you?
WOMAN
Of course.
(to crowd)
Theres a firefighter here!
CROWD (AD LIBS)
Let the fireman through!
FRED AND ELAINE MOVE TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, AS THE
APPLAUSE BUILDS FOR FRED AND HIS HEROISM.
CUT TO:
INT. POPULAR BAKERY - MOMENTS LATER
(FRED, ELAINE)
ELAINES KNEES BUCKLE AS SHE BITES INTO HER FAVORITE CUPCAKE.
FRED
What did you want to talk to me about?
ELAINE STOPS TO THINK.
ELAINE
(mouth full)
Nothing.

26.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

(JERRY, JANICE)
JERRY IS IN A BOOTH. GORGEOUS JANICE BANKS, 40S, GORGEOUS,
SITS ACROSS FROM HIM.
JERRY
You dont think its too soon?
JANICE
We need to laugh, Jerry. Especially
now. We might want to do a story on
that. Comedy After Tragedy: Fox News
Special.
JERRY
You know what I love about Fox News?
The crawl.
JANICE
You love the crawl?
JERRY
Im reading, Im listening, Im
watching, its an information
potpourri. If I miss something, I wait
five minutes and its back again!
JANICE
I like to say its a news fruit salad.
JERRY
It is like a fruit salad.
JERRY LAUGHS WITH JANICE ATTEMPTING TO INGRATIATE HIMSELF.

27.

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY - CONTINUOUS

(KRAMER, GEORGE)
KRAMER HAS SET UP A MAKESHIFT SECURITY CHECKPOINT. BEARDED
GEORGE ENTERS THE LOBBY AND ATTEMPTS TO BYPASS IT.
KRAMER
Whoah there, where you goin in such a
hurry?
GEORGE TRIES TO HIDE HIS FACE FROM KRAMER. KRAMER SEES THIS
AND IS SUSPICIOUS.
GEORGE
(fake deep voice)
Nowhere. Nothing.
KRAMER
Names Kramer.
GEORGE
(fake deep voice)
Shane.
THEY SHAKE HANDS. KRAMER PULLS GEORGE CLOSE, INSPECTING HIM.
KRAMER
Thats quite a beard youve got there,
Shane. Its body and shine are
impeccable.
GEORGE YANKS HIS HAND AWAY. KRAMER IS SUSPICIOUS.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
Whats your business in the building?
GEORGE
(fake deep voice)
Im picking up tickets.
KRAMER
Tickets huh? For what and from whom?
GEORGE PAUSES.

28.

GEORGE
None of your business.
KRAMER
Oh, its my business.
GEORGE
Says who?
KRAMER
Says the Building Security Task Force!
Now you better start answering
questions Beardo, or were gonna have
a problem!
GEORGE STARTS TO GET VERY NERVOUS AS KRAMER GROWS MORE AND
MORE SUSPICIOUS.
GEORGE
(fake deep voice)
Ill come back later.
KRAMER GRABS HOLD OF GEORGE.
KRAMER
Come back!
GEORGE
Let go!
GEORGE RUNS AWAY, OUT OF KRAMERS GRIP. KRAMER STARTS TO
CHASE GEORGE, THEN STOPS. HE TAKES OUT HIS CELL PHONE AND
DIALS.
KRAMER
Agent Jenks? This is Eagle Force One.
Kramer! Dont hang up! Listen, Ive
got a lead for ya.
END OF ACT ONE

29.

ACT TWO
INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY - NIGHT
(JANICE, JERRY)
JERRY AND JANICE ARE WALKING TOWARD JERRYS APARTMENT. JANICE
HESITATES.
JANICE
I dont know if I should come in. I
feel like its too soon.
JERRY
No, its not too soon.
JANICE DOESNT BUDGE.
JANICE
Im still coming to terms with losing
George. I always thought of him as the
one that got away.
JERRY
Oh, hes gonna love that.
JANICE
Doesnt thinking about George make you
sad, Jerry?
JERRY
Yes it does. In a way I hope youll
never understand.
JANICE
Im sorry, I know that you were close.
JERRY
I like to think we are close. If
George was here, hed tell you its
not too soon.
(MORE)

30.
JERRY (CONT'D)

He wouldnt want his memory to stand

in the way of our happiness.
JANICE
He was so considerate.
JERRY
Thats one word for him.
JERRY OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY ENTER HIS APARTMENT.
INT. JERRYS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
(JERRY, KRAMER, JANICE)
JERRY AND JANICE ENTER TO FIND KRAMER HANGING HUGE SHEETS OUT
OF JERRYS WINDOW.
JERRY
Kramer!?! What are you doing?
KRAMER TURNS TO SEE THEM AND IS TRANSFIXED BY JANICE. HE
DROPS THE SHEET.
KRAMER
Whos this lovely lady?
JANICE
Janice.
KRAMER
Kramer.
JERRY
What are you hanging red sheets out my
window for?
KRAMER
The threat level, Jerry, its rising
from Chartreuse to Magenta.
JERRY
According to who?

31.

KRAMER
To us, Jerry. The Building Security
Task Force. I saw a suspicious
character downstairs.
JANICE
Jerry you didnt tell me you were on a
security task force.
JERRY
Im notKRAMER
-Hes on the Steering Committee.
JANICE
Thats amazing!
JERRY SEES THAT JANICE IS IMPRESSED.
JERRY
Actually, Im Chair of the Steering
Committee.
JANICE
This sounds like a great story. Weve
been looking for something about
citizens taking homeland security into
their own hands.
(smooth)

KRAMER

Perhaps we should sit down for coffee.

JANICE
Id like that.

32.

JERRY
Well, Kramer. Now that youve hung
your sheets, its time you...
JERRY TRIES TO MOTION FOR KRAMER TO LEAVE WITHOUT JANICE
NOTICING. SHE LOOKS AT HER WATCH.
JANICE
Its late, Ive got to get going.
JERRY
Dont go, I can clear him out.
JANICE
Ill see you tomorrow at lunch. Nice
meeting you, Kramer.
KRAMER
The pleasure was all mine.
JANICE EXITS.
JERRY
(exasperated)
Janice Banks in my apartment and you
blew it! UNBELIEVABLE!
KRAMER
(re: Janice)
I call dibs.
JERRY
I already called it.
KRAMER
All right, youve got dibs, but Ive
got next.

33.

INT. CALLSTROM, VICKS, AND TEPPER - MORNING

(BRAD, GEORGE, CALLSTROM)
BRAD
An obsidian outline of where the
towers formerly stood will serve the
dual purpose of reminding us of what
once occupied the space, as well as
reflecting the emptiness that now
exists.
GEORGE
(scoffing)
Obsidian footprints? I say, build them
again. Ten stories taller.
CALLSTROM
Interesting.
GEORGE
You can knock us down, but well come
back, ten times taller.
BRAD
You mean ten stories taller. Ten times
would be 1,100 stories.
GEORGE
Whatever, he gets the picture.
CALLSTROM
Its like giving Osama Bin Laden a 120
story middle finger. I love it.
GEORGE
(to Brad)
Street Architect one, Brad zero.

34.

INT. JERRYS APARTMENT - LATER

(GEORGE, JERRY, ANCHOR)
GEORGE ENTERS WITH A LARGE TUBE CANISTER UNDER HIS ARM.
GEORGE
Its official - Im an architect!
JERRY
You got the job?
GEORGE
Is this cool or what? They gave me a
blueprint tube!
JERRY
Congratulations.
GEORGE
Its a dream come true, Jerry! Hey,
did you get me tickets to the Tribute
tomorrow?
JERRY
Yep.
JERRY HANDS GEORGE AN ENVELOPE.
GEORGE
Maybe Ill take Mr. Callstrom, the
mans taking a liking to me, Jerry.
What happened with Janice Banks?
JERRY
Get this, she said you were the one
that got away.
GEORGE IS FLOORED.

35.

GEORGE
(shocked)
I got away? From her? Dont do this to
me, Jerry. Not now.
JERRY
Im serious.
GEORGE
Are you telling me Ive got a shot
with Janice Banks?
JERRY
You had a shot with Janice Banks. At
this point youve got a better shot
with her dead than alive.
GEORGE
What if Shane wants to date Janice
Banks?
JERRY
Shane doesnt have dibs.
GEORGE
Then Shane has next.
JERRY
Kramers got next.
GEORGE
What do I have?
JERRY
After Kramer, a lot of things. All
painful, none curable. Besides, she
wanted George, not Shane.

36.

GEORGE PONDERS THIS FOR A BEAT.

GEORGE
Then George has to come back.
JERRY
All that hard work you put into
becoming an architect, and youre
gonna throw it all away?
GEORGE
Ill wear a bandage around my head,
claim a head injury.
JERRY
Amnesia?
GEORGE
I dont know, something like that.
JERRY
Very convincing.
GEORGE EXITS. JERRY FLIPS ON FOX NEWS.
ANCHOR (ON T.V.)
With sources saying another attack may
be imminent the one thing we know is
that it isnt a question of if
theres another attack, its a
question of when.

37.

INT. NOBU - NIGHT

(HOST, ELAINE)
ELAINE AND FRED ARE IN A RESTAURANT SURROUNDED BY A HUGE
CROWD OF PEOPLE WAITING TO BE SEATED.
HOST
We book tables months in advance.
ELAINE
I guess being a fireman doesnt mean
anything anymore.
HOST
Im so sorry. We cant turn away a
fireman, not now!
ELAINE CELEBRATES.
BEGIN ELAINE MONTAGE MUSIC:
EXT. BROADWAY THEATER - NIGHT
ELAINE, FRED
ELAINE AND FRED STAND NEXT TO A POSTER FOR THE PRODUCERS
WHICH READS: SOLD OUT!!! ELAINE TALKS TO THE MAN IN THE
TICKET BOOTH AND POINTS TO FRED.
INT. BROADWAY THEATER - MOMENTS LATER
ELAINE, FRED
ELAINE LAUGHS HEARTILY AS SHE AND FRED WATCH THE PRODUCERS
FROM THE FRONT ROW.
INT. THE PLAZA HOTEL - NIGHT
ELAINE, FRED, CONCIERGE
ELAINE PULLS BACK HER CREDIT CARD FROM THE CONCIERGE, AND
MOTIONS TOWARD FRED.
INT. PLAZA HOTEL SUITE - LATER
ELAINE, FRED
ELAINE JUMPS UP AND DOWN ON A HUGE BED, A VIEW OF CENTRAL
PARK IN THE BACKGROUND.
END ELAINE MONTAGE:

38.

INT. FBI NY FIELD OFFICE - MORNING

(KRAMER, AGENT CULLIGAN, AGENT JENKS)
KRAMER
Im telling you, this guy set off my
Al Qae-dar, I think Shanes the 25th
hijacker!
AGENT CULLIGAN
All right, describe this guy. Whats
so suspicious?
KRAMER
He wouldnt look me in the eye and he
kept scratching at his beard. I think
he knew I was onto him.
JENKS AND CULLIGAN DARKEN.
AGENT CULLIGAN
Did you say he had a beard?
KRAMER
Yeah.
AGENT JENKS
Why didnt you say that up front?
KRAMER
Now look who wants to share
information!
AGENT CULLIGAN
Get the CIA on the phone, this might
be the break weve been waiting for.

39.

INT. COFFEE SHOP - MORNING

(JERRY, JANICE)
JERRY
Youre not worried they said an attack
is imminent?
JANICE
That depends on what your definition
of imminent is. That could mean today,
this week, or any time down the road.
JERRY
Or if I measure time in geological
terms, sometime in the next epoch.
JANICE
You only have to worry if they mention
specifics, like a building or an
event.
JERRY
Are you still coming to the Tribute?
Ive got the tickets in my apartment.
JANICE
Lets go back to your place then.
JERRY
Check please!

40.

INT. CALLSTROM, VICKS, AND TEPPER - DAY

(MR. CALLSTROM, KRAMER, BRAD)
GEORGE IS WHISTLING HIS WAY INTO THE OFFICE WHEN HE SEES MR.
CALLSTROM TALKING TO A MAN IN AN FBI JACKET. THE MAN IN THE
FBI JACKET HAS HIS BACK TURNED AS GEORGE HURRIES BACK INTO
THE ELEVATOR.
MR. CALLSTROM
He hasnt come in yet today. Shane is
very cutting edge.
CLOSE ON: KRAMER IN A BORROWED FBI JACKET, INTERVIEWING MR.
CALLSTROM.
KRAMER
Did this Shane ever ask to borrow
any video equipment?
MR. CALLSTROM
Is there something that I should know?
KRAMER GRABS CALLSTROM BY THE LAPELS.
KRAMER
Answer the question!
MR. CALLSTROM
No, he didnt mention anything about
videos. What has Shane done?
KRAMER
Its not what hes done that Im
worried about, its what hes planning
to do. You mind if I poke around?
MR. CALLSTROM
Go right ahead. Im sure youll find
this is a big misunderstanding.

41.

BRAD
His office is over here.
KRAMER STARTS GOING THROUGH GEORGES DESK. HE FINDS AN
ENVELOPE MARKED TRIBUTE TICKETS.
KRAMER
Bingo!
KRAMER PICKS UP THE PHONE.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
(on the phone)
Jenks, its Eagle Force. Kramer. I
found the ticket envelope in his desk.
Hes going to the Tribute. A
warrant?!? You expect me to wait for
some paper pushing bureaucrat while(worried that Callstrom will
hear)
-I dont know where your jacket went.
Listen, if Shane is headed for the
Tribute, Ill be at the Garden waiting
for him.
KRAMER HANGS UP THE PHONE.

42.

INT. JERRYS BEDROOM - LATER

(JERRY, JANICE, ANCHOR)
JERRY LIES NEXT TO JANICE IN AN AWKWARD POST COITAL MOMENT.
JERRY
Im sorry.
(lying)

JANICE

It was fine.
JERRY
No, that was definitely too soon.
JERRY FLIPS ON THE TV, WE HEAR A CABLE NEWS CHANNEL.
JANICE
Maybe we can go again?
JANICE STARTS TO KISS JERRYS NECK.
JERRY
Hang on a second, I want to see this.
JANICE
Youve got nothing to worry about.
JERRY
I know, I know. Its nothing to worry
about, I just want toANCHOR (ON T.V.)
-This just breaking! Sources in the
FBI confirm that they have received
credible tips that Al Qaeda is
planning to attack The Tribute to Our
Heroes.
(MORE)

43.
ANCHOR (ON T.V.) (CONT'D)

Officials would only identify their

source as an unofficial FBI Liaison.
But the group is said to have procured
tickets to the event.
JANICE
That is something to worry about.
JERRY
(trying to convince himself)
Im sure its nothing.
JANICE
That sounds really serious.
JERRY
Should I cancel?
JANICE
No, you cant cancel! If you cancel,
they win. And they cant win, you
cant let them, Jerry!
JERRY
I might die!
JANICE
Its like you said at Georges
memorial, God has a plan. Maybe today
God needs to laugh.
JERRY IS VERY WORRIED.

44.

INT. SUBWAY - NIGHT

(GEORGE)
GEORGE HAS A LARGE BANDAGE WRAPPED AROUND HIS HEAD. COMBINED
WITH THE FAKE BEARD, HE DRAWS HOSTILE LOOKS FROM THE PEOPLE
AROUND HIM. HES HOLDING HIS BLUEPRINT TUBE.
GEORGE CATCHES A WOMAN LOOKING AT HIS HEAD.
GEORGE
(nervously to Woman)
Head injury. Its a bandage, not a
turban. In spite of the beard, not a
Muslim.
THE WOMAN GETS UP AND MOVES TO ANOTHER CAR. THE PASSENGERS
ARE WARY OF GEORGES APPREARANCE AND HIS BEHAVIOR MAKES THEM
INCREASINGLY SUSPICIOUS. AS THE DOORS OPEN, GEORGE SPRINTS
OUT OF THE TRAIN.

45.

EXT. STREET - DAY

(ELAINE, JERRY)
JERRY AND ELAINE ARE WALKING TO MADISON SQUARE GARDEN, THE
STREET IS PACKED WITH FIRETRUCKS PARADING TOWARD THE TRIBUTE.
ELAINE
Jerry, youve got to relax. Im sure
its nothing to worry about.
JERRY
The source is an unofficial FBI
liaison, Janice thinks its serious.
ELAINE
Thats ridiculous.
JERRY
Elaine, she knows what shes talking
about. She works at Fox News.
ELAINE
They cant get it right on stuff
thats already happened, how are they
going to predict the future?
JERRY
Come on, Elaine! This is serious!
The FBI says the Tribute is a soft
target!
ELAINE
Soft target? What does that mean?
JERRY
I dont know what it means, I just
know I dont want to be one.

46.

ELAINE
Jerry, the FBI is meeting with Kramer,
are you really going to listen to what
they say?
JERRY
Thats true.
ELAINE
And Jerry, I really want to meet Bruce
Springsteen. I went to a concert in
1986 and he looked at me! This is my
chance, dont blow it for me!
JERRY
Still, it wouldnt hurt for you to be
a little bit concerned about my well
being.
ELAINE
You want concern?
(mock concern)
Dont go, Jerry! Its too dangerous, I
need you!
ELAINE THROWS HERSELF SARCASTICALLY INTO JERRYS ARMS. JUST
AS A FIRE TRUCK PULLS UP AT A STOPLIGHT. FRED IS IN THE CAB,
HE SEES ELAINE WITH HER ARMS AROUND JERRY AND IS FURIOUS.
JERRY AND ELAINE DONT SEE FRED.
JERRY
Very funny.

47.

INT./EXT. SURVEILLANCE VAN OUTSIDE MADISON SQ. GARDEN - NIGHT

(AGENT CULLIGAN, KRAMER, AGENT JENKS)
AGENT CULLIGAN
You have to stay in the van, that was
the deal.
KRAMER
No can do, boys. Im going out.
AGENT JENKS
Its too dangerous for a civilian,
Kramer.
KRAMER
Gotta do it, for George.
AGENT JENKS
Kramer, we gotta do this by the book.
Follow bureau procedure.
KRAMER
Im an unofficial FBI liaison, Ive
got my own set of standard ops.
KRAMER GRABS A WALKIE TALKIE AND BOLTS FROM THE VAN.
AGENT CULLIGAN
Kramer!
AGENT JENKS
I hope he knows what hes doing.
AGENT CULLIGAN
Hes the best man weve got.

48.

INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (STAGE) - LATER

(JERRY, FRED, CROWD)
THE STAGE IS SET UP FOR BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, AS JERRY WARMS UP
A SELL OUT CROWD.
JERRY
Whats the deal with socks?
FRED IS IN THE CROWD, HE IS DRUNK, BUT RECOGNIZES JERRY AND
GETS OUT OF HIS SEAT.
FRED
Hey, thats the guy that stole my
girlfriend!
JERRY HAS A THOUGHT.
JERRY
Maybe its time we went from 9/11 to 9
a laughin.
CROWD
Boo!
FRED CLIMBS UP ON STAGE.
JERRY
Fred here is a fireman! A real hero,
and my friend.
(to Fred)
Thanks for saving me!
FRED GRABS THE MIKE.
FRED
This guy Seinfeld stole my girlfriend.
She was my life!
CROWD
Boo!

49.

FRED LUNGES TO PUNCH JERRY IN THE FACE, LUCKILY FRED IS TOO

DRUNK TO CONNECT AND JERRY BACKS UP. FRED FALLS ON HIS FACE
INTO MAX WEINBERGS DRUM SET. FRED SCREAMS IN AGONY.
FRED
Ahhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaah!
JERRY
He fell! I didnt touch him!
CROWD
Booo!
FULL CUPS OF BEER, NACHOS, AND A VARIETY OF OTHER STADIUM
CUISINE FLY AT JERRY AS HE FLEES THE STAGE.

50.

EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (HOT DOG STAND) - SAME

(KRAMER, AGENT CULLIGAN, AGENT JENKS, GEORGE)
KRAMER
Pile on those jalapenos buddy.
KRAMER TURNS AND SEES GEORGE WALKING ACROSS THE STREET. HE
ABANDONS HIS HOT DOGS AND BEGINS TO FOLLOW.
KRAMER (CONT'D)
(into walkie talkie)
Its Kramer. Ive got visual contact
on our bearded bogey.
AGENT CULLIGAN
Whats your 20, Kramer?
AGENT JENKS
Stand down, Kramer. Do not attempt to
apprehend.
GEORGE SPOTS KRAMER, HE STARTS TO WAVE.
KRAMER
(into walkie talkie)
My cover is blown, its go time.
KRAMER SPRINTS AT GEORGE. AS GEORGE REALIZES THAT KRAMER IS
NOT RUNNING AT HIM IN A FRIENDLY WAY, GEORGE STARTS TO FLEE.
GEORGE
Kramer!

51.

INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (GREEN ROOM) - CONTINUOUS

(ELAINE, JERRY, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN)
ELAINE IS AT THE BUFFET BUILDING UP COURAGE TO FLIRT WITH
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WHO IS STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.
ELAINE
Hi, Im Elaine.
THE BOSS TURNS, HE IS ABOUT TO SPEAK WHEN JERRY BURSTS INTO
THE ROOM, AND GRABS HER BY THE ARM AS HE RUNS TOWARD AN EXIT.
JERRY
Elaine! We gotta go! Hurry.
BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
Hands off the lady, Seinfeld.
JERRY
Shes my friend, come on Elaine,
theres an angry mob, they want my
blood!
ELAINE LOOKS BETWEEN BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND JERRY.
ELAINE
(to Bruce)
I dont know that guy.
JERRY
Elaine!
ELAINE SHRUGS AND MOUTHS SORRY TO JERRY AS HES EJECTED BY
SECURITY.

52.

EXT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN - CONTINUOUS

(JERRY, KRAMER, GEORGE, AGENT JENKS, AGENT CULLIGAN, JANICE)
AS JERRY IS EJECTED FROM THE GARDEN HE SEES KRAMER TACKLE
GEORGE TO THE SIDEWALK RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. JENKS AND
CULLIGAN RUN FROM AROUND A CORNER.
JERRY
What are you doing?
KRAMER
We did it, Jerry! We got him!
GEORGE
Kramer! Get off of me! Jerry, help.
JERRY
Kramer, its George!
KRAMER
What are you talking about!
JENKS AND CULLIGAN TASER GEORGE AS THEY LOAD HIM INTO A PADDY
WAGON. JENKS OPENS THE BLUEPRINT TUBE.
AGENT JENKS
Trade Center blueprints!
AGENT CULLIGAN
He really is the 25th hijacker.
JANICE ARRIVES WITH A CAMERA CREW IN TOW. JANICE PLANTS A
HUGE KISS ON JERRYS LIPS.
JANICE
Jerry, youre my hero!
KRAMER
What do you meanJERRY
-Nothing!
KRAMER IS CONFUSED.

53.

KRAMER
(looking toward George)
Hey, he does kind of look likeJERRY
(whisper shouting)
-shut up, Kramer!
JANICE
(looking into camera)
Tonight at Madison Square Garden a
Building Security Task Force has
foiled an Al Qaeda attack. Im here
with Steering Committee Chair, Jerry
Seinfeld. Jerry, hows it feel to be a
hero?
JERRY
(into camera)
Well, I couldnt have done it without
the support of this good woman. Did I
say good woman? I mean great!
JANICE IS TOUCHED. JENKS AND CULLIGAN APPROACH JERRY.
AGENT CULLIGAN
He says you know who he is.
JERRY SEES GEORGE SCREAMING AND POUNDING ON THE WINDOW OF THE
PADDY WAGON. JERRY LOOKS BETWEEN GEORGE AND JANICE, HE MAKES
HIS CHOICE.
JERRY
I dont know that guy.
JERRY MOUTHS SORRY AND SHRUGS TO GEORGE AS THE PADDYWAGON
STARTS TO MOVE. GEORGE IS CARTED AWAY SCREAMING SILENTLY INTO
THE PADDYWAGON WINDOW AS JERRY AND JANICE LOCK IN A
PASSIONATE EMBRACE.