TheUndercoverBrother

StorybyMirandaSiwak
OneofthescariestthingsIhadtodowhenIwasakidwassitdownatastandardizedtestandit
wasnteventhetestthatwastheworstpart, LukeMurraysaid.Theworstpartissittingdown,
writingyourname[and]bubblingitin;andthenyougettoyourname,whereyourefrom,
your sex,andthenitgetstoyourrace,andIneverknewwhattoput.Ihated that,becauseI
wasn'tone ofthosethings,andIwasotherother istheworstwordever.
LukeMurrayhaslongselfidentifiedasmixed:asblack,whiteandColumbian.Whilehisdadis
black,hismomismixedaswell:halfIrishandColumbian.Growingup,healwaysnoticed
his parentslookeddifferentfromeachother,atraitthathedidntseemuchwithhisfriends
families.
UntilIwas14,mymomtoldmeastoryabouthowmygrandfather,whenhefoundoutthat
she wasdatingablackman,hewasgoingtopulltuitionforschool,somymomhadtokeepiton
the [downlow],andsohewasntallowedtocomeover, Murraysaid.Hewasntallowedto
comeforThanksgivingdinnersforalongtimeandsoheendedupnotgoingtomyparents
wedding even,whichIknowiskindofcrazyandalsonotthatlongago.
Helikedgrowingupdifferentandinadiversehome hewasabletoseeauniqueoutlookon
life.However,itcanbehardwhenitfeelslikeyouasayoungchilddontfitinanywhere,
especiallyforMurraywhodidntlookquiteblack norquitewhite likemainstreamsociety.
Growingup,Ithoughtmyparentswereshieldingmefromthefactthattheworldisdifferent
untilImetotherkids, Murraysaid.WhenIstartedgrowingup,Iwasjustlike,thisisntmy
family,myfamilyisperfect.Myfamilywasalwaysokaytogether.
Murrayalwaysknewhewasdifferentfromhispeers,simplybecausehisparentsdidntlookthe
same;atrendheconstantlysawaroundhim.Hementionshowallthedifferentcolorsofthe
rainbow areseen,exceptforthemixesinbetween.Whenhemeetsanothermixed
person, Murraygetswrappedintheirinterestingstories,becausemixescanbeaplethoraof
different combinations,andeachtellstheirofownjourneyandidentity.
Iamproudtobeablackman,IamproudtobeaColumbianman,Iamproudtobeawhite
man, sometimes,butmoreimportantlyImproudtobemeandmixtureofallthosethings,

Murray said.Idontknowhowtobeanyoneelse,Idontknowhowtobearegularwhiteguy,I
dont knowhowtobeaColumbiandude,Idontknowhowtobeablackguy. Ijustknowhow
to me.
Aspartoffindingwhohewas,Murrayfoundactivitiesatcollegethathelpedshapehisjourney.
Beingthepalest ofhisAlphaPhiAlphaFraternity,Inc.brothers,heaimstousehiswhite
privilegetogoforthandeducateothersandbringothercommunitieshesapartoftogetherfor
thegreatergood.
Iliketoconsidermyselftheundercoverbrother, Murraysaid.Peoplewillsayreallyignorant
andfrustratingthings,andespeciallyinclassrooms,whenImtheonlypersonofcolorinthe
classroomandtheydontrealizethatIamapersonofcolor.Itsaboutwhennooneis
watching, whenpeoplethinknooneiswatching.
HeritageisveryimportanttoMurray,andbothhismaternalandpaternalancestriesareequally
hisfamily,regardlessofwhichsideheresemblesmore.IntodayscurrenteraoftheBlackLives
Mattermovement,headdsthatraceshouldnotmatterintermsofattendanceandparticipation,
sinceitisahugeissueofhumanrights,andnotjustonegroupofhumans.H eacknowledges he
wouldgetweirdglancesif,lookingashedoes,heshoweduptoaBlackLivesMatterprotest, but
doesnotbelievethatshould matter.Heacknowledgeshowmixedpeoplearen'tperceivedas
fittingin tooncespecific,easytoplacecategory.
Itstruewedontgetairtime,wedontgetfacetimebecausenooneknowswhatweare;wear
theotherbox, Murraysaid.
Asayoungstudent,hedlookattheemptybubblesonhistestpaperandgotocirclingother
theonewordthatknewhisweaknesswithidentity,thatknewwhathestruggledwith.
That phraseother hurt,knowingthatwhoyouwerewasnotbeingtrulyrecognizedbysociety.
"He[mydad]saidtome,ifyoudontliketheotherbox,thenput,checkalltheboxesthat apply,
andthatwasthemomentwhenIrealizedthatsmeIdonthaveonebox, Murraysaid. Imall
three.Anditsokaytobeproudofallthree.Itsokaytobejustyou.

Thinlinebetweenblackandwhite
StorybyMirandaSiwak

Growingup,littleboysoftenenjoyplayingsports.AndforAlonzoCee,thatwasnoexception.
Butwhenheandanotherbiracialteammatewalkedontothebaseballdiamond,theywere
immediatelylookedatdifferently.Ceeisbothbiethnicandbiracial,halfblackandwhiteandhalf
AmericanandEuropean,butthediversityinhisfamilyhasmaderacelessofaconcerntohimas
hediscovered hisownidentity.
ItmadeithardformetoseeraceearlyonbecauseIdidnthaveanyonetellingmeyouhaveto
goaboutwalkingthestreetsofHarlemdifferentlybecauseofthecolorofyourskinoryouhave
talktoyourprofessorsdifferentlyataprivatewhiteinstitutionthroughoutmiddleandhigh
schoolbecauseyoureadifferentcolor, Ceesaid.
Growingup,itcanbehardtounderstandwhatmakesyoudifferent untilyouseewhatother
familieslooklike.Ceehadthisrealizationduringsophomoreyearofhighschoolwhenhe
quicklyrealizedthathedidntquiteresemblehisotherteammates.
MyjunioryearitreallyhitmethatIwasdifferent, Ceesaid.Idontknowwhatclicked,
probablyaclassIwastakingonsocialjusticeandwereadtheNewJimCrowandIthinkthats
whenitreallyhitme.So,goingintomysenioryearIknewIwasdifferent andIthinkIset
myselfuptounderstandwhoIwasmorethanIdidearlyon.
Becauseofhisrace,Ceeisolatedhimselffromothersbecausehedidntunderstandwhypeople
hadcertainperceptionsaboutraceandabouthim.Aftergrowinginhisownidentity,Ceewants
tolearnmoreabouthowtoinformthosewhomaybeignorantorotherwiseunawareofcommon
instancesofracialinequality.
IknewthatIwasfedupwithlettingthemcontinuetokeepongoing,soIwoulddisassociate
fromsomepeopleorIwouldcallpeopleoutoncertainmicroaggressionsorblatantracismthat
theyusuallywouldntbecalledoutonbecauseofhowaffluenttheywere, Ceesaid.
Whereveryougo,itshelpfultofindacommunitythatcansupportyouandyouridentity.These
communitiescanhelpfosteryouridentityandfeelcomfortableinyourownskin.Often,that
supportsystemismadeupofpeoplewhosharesimilaridentities.WhileCeeknowsheisboth
blackandwhite,howheisperceivedbysocietydoesplayaroleinwhoheconnectswithand
eventuallyidentifieshimself.
ImadethistransitionatElonwhereIfeltmorecomfortableinmyownskin,andwhenImet
mostofmybestfriendstoday,ItalkedwithguyswhoIhadalotofcommonalitieswith;itso
happenedthattheyallsharethefactthattheyreblack,butitwasneverforthatreason, Cee
said. Itwasbecausetheyheldvaluesthatinmyeyesmadethembetterpeople,ortheywerethat

waybeforehand,anditjustsohappenedthattheyreallbroughttogetherbasedonthesecertain
values.
CeefeelsmoreconnectedtotheBlackLivesMattermovementsimplybybeingeducatedonthe
issues.Heisawarethatthecolorofhisskinplaysintopeoplesperceptions,butheknowwhat
needstobedoneoveralltocreateabettersociety.
Irealizethatthingsneedtohappen,itdoesntmatterwhatrace,creed,ethnicityyouare, Cee
said.BlackLivesMatterpertainstoeveryone,becauseeventhoughalllivesshouldmatter,
werepayingspecificattentiontotheblackonesrightnowbecausethosearetheoneswhoarent
receivingthejusticetheydeserve.
Whenhewasinhighschool,Ceewasmuggedonthesubwayandhismomwantedhimto
contactthepolicetopresscharges.Whenhediscussedthepossibilityhewastargetedbecauseof
hislookswiththewhitepoliceofficers,atonepoint,theyevenaskedhimifitevenhappened.
Oncehiscredibilitywasquestioned,hewonderedhowcouldhisraceandperceptionsabouthow
helookednotplayintothat?Hetalksofsupposedstereotypesthatpeopleoftenperceiveand
believe,suchasthefactthatnumbersarentsupposedtobetheirthing, whichhesdisprovenas
astatisticsmajor.
Allinall,Ceehasfoundhistrueselfandbeingbiethnicandbiracialisjustapartofthat.Itmay
behardsometimes,thatsapartoflifeintodayssociety.
Eventhoughlifehastwistsandturns,youneedtohavethoseexperiencesinordertocreateyour
betterself.Youneedtobeabletohavethosemistakesbecauseyoucanlearnfrombeingperfect,
andeventhoughitwasrough,Ilikehowitturnedout.