Escolar Documentos
Profissional Documentos
Cultura Documentos
by Evilgoddss
When a Magical game of Truth & Dare goes wrong, the Gryffindor Quidditch team mu
st 'bare' up and face the consequences. And as the news spreads like wildfire in
mmail things get quite out of control.
Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Harry P. - Chapters: 10 - Words: 22,510 - R
eviews: 833 - Favs: 3,638 - Follows: 671 - Published: 7/29/2007 - Status: Comple
te - id: 3689325
URL: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3689325
Table of Contents
Table of Contents
1. Chapter 1
2. Chapter 2
3. Chapter 3
4. Chapter 4
5. Chapter 5
6. Chapter 6
7. Chapter 7
8. Chapter 8
9. Chapter 9
10. Chapter 10
Chapter 1
Naked Quidditch Match - The Beginning
Note from the Author: there have been several attempts by fans to post this stor
y on the internet. When I originally wrote this fic, it was a private story to b
e shared with a few friends, and I never intended it to go out on the 'net. Howe
ver, it was well loved by my friends, and much like gossip spread like wildfire.
I agreed with two of my friends for a private posting on their website for re-r
eading. Years later, in order to keep from plagiarsm of my work, I'm posting it
here with the rest of my fanfics. I hope it still is very enjoyable now with the
last book in all reader's hands, and that you can find a smile or laugh in it.
One last note, there are some corrections and changes on this version that were
NOT on the site. This site, btw, is now defunct and the story is not available t
here. One reviewer noted the "size" changes, for example. Done due to the cough
upset of some young men who notified me that 17.7825cm x 11.945cm was much too s
mall for a young man of 16. Also, for those that saw the original measurements i
n the "inches" -- not very British, I'm told. However, to anyone who questions m
y original ownership, I can prove it beyond a doubt. I can provide the original
word documents -- and the editor marks to prove my ownership of this story. Heck
, I even have the original graphics that were made up for it. - Anya
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know before the game. Well before the game. You'll need a nights rest and some p
ractice to get used to the new balls, if you know what we're meaning.
Also, Forge and I have gotten our hands on a small quantity of woed. Anyone care
for the Pict-Quidd team? I think we'd all look dashing in blue. Especially Kati
e, Alicia and Angelina, eh ladies?
Now, finally, the last going bid for the Malfoy jewels came in at a miserable 2"
. Anyone out there, at ALL, care to dare higher? Pity Slytherin won't be all nek
kid on the field, but still. We may yet find a way to verify measurements. Oh, a
nd Harry? Your fan-club has dumped the motherload for your dimensions. You might
want to consider posing for 'em.
F&>
G&F
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So, how about a girls beauty night? Hermione has offered to play watch-out and k
eep the guys off our back. Oh! And here's a thought... if we're gonna go starker
s because of this damn dare, how about raising the ante with a strip tease?
- Alicia
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And, I bet I'm not the only one this creep has been stalking!
Anyone with knowledge of the identity of this git had better let me know and let
me know fast or I'll go straight to McGonagall!
- Ron Weasley.
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Re: Hello? Ginny? Did you get my email? Are you okay? No one's heard from you si
nce Saturday?
- Lavender
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Chapter 2
Naked Quidditch Match - Second Verse, Much Like the First To: Fred & George Weas
ley
From: Lee Jordan
Re: Harry's Response
He called our bluff. NOW what do we do?
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Modesty runs in our family. Look, Herm, if you're asking me if I can outwit my b
rothers, then the answer is Bloody Hell YES!
I've observed every trick in the book for five brothers, enough so that I can ou
t-think them all. This is a cakewalk! No challenge whatsoever. Ronnie will be cr
ying on your shoulder before you know it and you can do whatever it is you want
to him. (I still think a potion is your best solution, but if Ron does it for yo
u, then there's no accounting for taste.)
After all, I had plenty time to come up with this plan. No worries, there.
Thanks for alerting McGonagall. No one will ever find out you snitched from me.
You did tell McGonagall you didn't want to be publicly acknowledged for performi
ng your civic duty, didn't you?
- Ginny
P.S. D'ya think the Slytherin team is taking this Quidditch match with as much p
aranoia?
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Bottom line, it's a fine mess you've put the team into. I'd be very afraid for y
our lives if I were you. If Harry doesn't hand you over to Voldemort personally,
then the girls are going to make you WISH that he had.
And, men do NOT hug and kiss other men. It's not dignified.
- Oliver
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My testicles are bruised, and I probably won't be able to have children. All bec
ause I play bloody Quidditch. If it's this bad for me playing pro-Quidditch, I r
ealize that it'll be much worse for you. I'm just starting to get recognition in
our leading sport you're the Boy Who Lived! Besides, I saw on the WWW that they're
selling a limited edition calendar of you. You may have to hire bodyguards befo
re you leave school!
Harry, if the twins don't concede the game-- RUN!
- Oliver
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Maybe we should arrange to run another 50,000... I've requests for the calendar
to be licensed and marketed retail.
Your thoughts?
Lavender
Chapter 3
Naked Quidditch Match
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- Minerva
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enemies? I've got the skills you're looking for in a Death Eater. And, while I
won't do subservient, I think you could use a young, canny partner.
Whattaya think?
Harry Potter
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To: Padfoot
From:Moony
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: My Beloved Fan Club Padfoot...
Please, stop trying to help. Thanks.
- Moony
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- Harry
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To: Tommy
From:Harry
Re: Minions Quite okay, Old Chap.
I'll just take over.
- HP
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To: Potter
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions Are you threatening ME?
-LV
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To: TOMMY!!!
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions Why, yes! Now that you ask.
Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
- Harry
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
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To: Ginny
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this area.
Whattaya think?
As for the mocking:
"I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort
I DiD, I DiD
I did tee a bid bad Moldiemort"
HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
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Traitor
Your Brothers
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Chapter 4
Naked Quidditch Match - Four Parts of Mischief To: Harry Potter
From: Lord Voldemort
Re: Robes
What will it take to get you to pull those robes off the market, Potter?
WHAT IS YOUR PRICE?
- Voldemort
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Regards,
Little Gred & Forge Weasley
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To: Moldiemort
From: Harry Potter
BCC: Ginny Weasley
Re: The Robes You want the Moldiemort Robes off sale? Swear allegiance to me as
your Lord and Master and serve as my left hand and we'll see.
- HP
Chief Executive Wizard, Moldiemort Inc
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide
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- HP
I mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
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Dumbledore
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Re: Re: Re: Re: The Moldiemort Robes You know, Albus, it's all fun and games unt
il someone gets the Killing Curse flung at them.
Minerva
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Harry
CEW, Moldiemort Inc.
A new division of Potter Enterprises Worldwide
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ffair. And, I think it's wonderful that Harry's giving all that money to the St.
Mungo's Victims Unit.
However, the article seems to have made an innocent gaffe. Apparently, you're go
ing to be at the shoot as Harry's girlfriend. Isn't that funny?
Tell, me, dear. Is there anything you'd care to share with Mummy?
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To: Ron
From: F&>
Re: Re: Harry. Ginny Bugger.
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Chapter 5
Naked Quidditch Match - Fifth Time Around
To: Ron
From: F&>
Re: Re: Harry. Ginny
Bugger.
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To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
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To: Moony
From: Snuffles the Adorable Grim
CC: My Godson
Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze
What? I'm a cute dog. I have it on good authority!
Harry-- I'm not at all frightening, am I? I mean, I'm lovable as a stray mutt, r
ight?
- Snuffles
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To: Snuffles
From: R. Lupin
CC: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Re: Photo-Daze
You're the size of a small pony, and you think you're a cuddly little fluff-ball
? Obviously your meals have been laced with something lately.
- Remus
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To: Moony
From: Snuffles
CC: Harry Potter
Re: PMS, Much?
Let me guess, it's that time of the month for you?
- Snuffles
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To: Snuffles
From: Harry Potter
CC: Moony
Re: Re:Re: PMS, Much? My last Mmail, then I'm back to posing all nekkid and stuf
f.
First, I sent my beloved enemy:
"Oooh, I tink I taw a bid bad Moldiemort!
I DiD, I DiD
I Did tee a bid bad Moldiemort!"
Most recently, however:
"There once was a stinker named Voldie
His breath, it smelled kinda moldy
He's oh-so greedy
He's tried to kill me
But failed cuz his head is so hole-y"
I'm thinking about doing a book of poems: Mockeries of a Dark Lord.
Snazzy title, hmm?
- Harry
I Mocked Voldemort
Ask me how!
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To: Ron
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Re:Lunch
Ron, what a lovely idea. I only wish I had received this Mmail say, yesterday. I
've got plans today, brother dear, including lunch with Mum.
Maybe next time?
- Ginny
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To: Ginny
From: Ron
Re: Re: Lunch
I wish I'd known Mum and you were meeting for lunch. Next time, I WILL remember
to Mmail a day before.
Thanks, Gin. We were all worried that you were hanging off of Harry while he's p
rancing around in the buff.
- Ron
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Chapter 6
Naked Quidditch Match - Six Times the Fun To: Ginny Weasley
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Posthumous
You busy tonight?
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Honestly, given the security going on yesterday and the way he's run from your
sister's overtures of adoration before, whatever gave you the idea that they wer
e snogging during the 'shoot yesterday?
-The Girls
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Chapter 7
Naked Quidditch Match - 7 Minutes to Game To: Albus Dumbledore / Headmaster
From: Ginny Weasley
Re: Lord Voldemort
Attach: mockads.zip (100 K)
Professor:
As we have developed and marketed recent inspirational materials (Moldiemort Rob
es, and our newest product Mockeries of a Dark Lord due for release in hardcover
next month), we have received many threats from Lord Voldemort. While hollow in
nature, and really quite trivial, we do believe a potential "retaliation" of Mo
ldie with his unhygenic Death Eaters may disrupt the game.
Given the passion we Gryffindors have for our sport and our team, I would like t
o make a few suggestions as to how to prevent ol' Moldie from causing any proble
ms.
A) A prevalent display of Moldiemort robes would cause him much anguish and frus
tration, possibly throwing him off his game.
B) The attached magical slide-show advertising the upcoming book, Mockeries of a
Dark Lord, will also cause him much emotional grief.
C) Dragon sweeps. We have three on the premise, complete with trained riders. Sw
eeps of these creatures will disrupt the magical fields and stability needed for
the Death Eaters to apparate with structure.
Any other defenses you may determine needful would also be welcomed, but the abo
ve are easily incorporated and will definitely give Tommy some emotional trauma
that should give us an advantage.
Best regards,
G. Weasley
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To: Lestrange-at-Azkaban
From: Lucius Malfoy
Re: "Dark Lord of Sith" The old boy has been watching the "Star Wars" trilogy ag
ain. Damn Muggles. It's obviously rattled his brains some more. Now he's the "Da
rk Lord of Sith" If he starts wearing a black shiny mass and breathing heavy, I'
m outta here.
Anyway, we have a small legal situation on the horizon. Problem being, our Maste
r has killed off all the lawyers we've hired to represent him. Any suggestions?
Good luck with the Dementors! Hope you've got that drool problem under control.
- Lucky
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- GW
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Re: FW: You Won't Believe This Oh dear heavens! I have Transfiguration this morn
ing! How will I sit in her class and NOT break into giggles!
- HG
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Chapter 8
Naked Quidditch Match - 8 Seconds Left To: Poppy Pomfrey / School Nurse
From: Minerva McGonagall / Deputy Headmistress
Re: Ronald Weasley
In furtherance to our conversation, I agree that perhaps Ron Weasley is best lef
t sedated until the game is over. His catatonic state of being this morning is n
ot a good indicator that he can watch the game without a complete nervous breakd
own. Poor boy.
- Minnie
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game. I'll let you know how it goes before reporting to Him. If things fall apa
rt, give him some calming potion.
Lucius Malfoy
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To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Game Time Hey, Padfoot -- I'm about to Apparate over to Hogsmeade for the ga
me. You up to meeting me outside the Three Broomsticks before heading up to Hogw
arts?
Moony
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To: Moony
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Game Time Will you give me a bowl of Butterbeer?
- Woof
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To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Butterbeer You lush. You'd think you'd not had Butterbeer in a decade.
- Moony
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To: Moony
From: That Puppy in the Window
Re: Re: Butterbeer I haven't had Butterbeer in a decade! They don't exactly serv
e fine cuisine in Azkaban. Moldy bread, rancid water, etc. That's their menu.
I reckon, I don't rightly remember WHAT Butterbeer tastes like, after so long of
being wrongfully imprisoned.
- Poor Hard-done by Padfoot
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To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Guilt-trips
You always were a master of the Guilt-Trip. Damn those puppy-dog eyes of yours.
Fine. I'll buy you some Butterbeer.
- Moony
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To: Moony
From: Padfoot
Re: Re: Guilt-trips
You love me. You really do. sniff
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To: Padfoot
From: Moony
Re: Re: Re: Guilt-trips Only in your better dreams. Now, get your tail-wagging a
rse in gear and get over here.
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I've got your pictures, all nicely bundled up and innocuous. Glad you mailed me
when you did. I almost sent them out!
I'm heading down to McGonagall's office with Harry in just a moment. The team is
having a "don't kill each other" session with our fearless Head. So, I'll be do
wn at the pitch bright and early. Harry's reserved a great seat for Hermione and
me.
BTW, unit sales of the calendar are at 92. We were 70 sold before the product we
nt live, and sold an additional 22 in less than two hours. I think it'll be sold
out by the time the game's over.
Dennis Creevey has volunteered to monitor the sales while the game is on. He say
s he can't bear to be out there watching all sorts of 'bits flying about'.
GW
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snog. And, your brother RON has gone catatonic. Is that specific enough?
In fact, he's foaming at the mouth. Rather like you were after the measurements
for Harry were publicly released by, oh yes, Harry. D'ya suppose your brother is
GAY?
- Hermione
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To: Sales-at-Moldiemort
From: C. Fudge
Organization: Ministry of Magic
Re: Robes I'd like to order three robes, XL size. And, could I also request two
of "The Naked Quidditch" calendars?
Orders should be billed to:
Minister of Magic
Wizard Government Building
London, England
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To: Sales-at-Moldiemort
From: C. Fudge
Organization: Ministry of Magic
Re: Robes
Thank you for the information. Is it possible to pre-order "Mockeries of a Dark
Lord"?
Oh, and do you have a discount for government employees?
- C. Fudge
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Chapter 9
Naked Quidditch Match: Game Time:
"Welcome Hogwarts alumni, professors, peers, and exalted guests to the long-awai
ted match between Gryffindor's amazing Quidditch team and Slytherin's abysmal-"JORDAN!" McGonagall bellowed.
"Err... Slytherin's opposing team." Lee shot the professor a shrug. "As many of
you are aware... at least, anyone literate, so I can't speak for the Slytherins- this match today will be absolutely unique. Due to the utter foolishness of th
e Co-Captains of the Gryffindor team, the players in fourth form and upwards wil
l be playing in the buff. Hence the packed crowd. I daresay, glancing over the c
rowds around me, you're all either hankering for a look at our luscious lady-Cha
sers or awaiting Harry Potter's masculine wonder."
"JORDAN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
"Professor... it's not like nearly everyone here HASN'T bought one of those cale
rising. "And, Seeker-extraordinaire, the man who has NEVER missed a Snitch the
one..." The screams began, "The ONLY" and whistles, hoots and chants echoed, "HA
RRY POTTER!" The roar of the stadium was deafening.
Just to his side, he heard McGonagall's resigned sigh. Well, what commentator wo
uld ignore the fact that not only was Harry a celebrity to the wizarding world,
he was a Quidditch super-star in the making? Goodness, he had his own promotiona
l merchandise to make him a very wealthy man before he left school.
Lee paused long enough to let the cheers fade somewhat. "And, the Slytherin gits
..."
"JORDAN!" Goodness, the woman had impeccable timing and volume.
"Team," he amended hastily. "The Slytherin team is as follows: Captain and Chase
r Marcus Flint." Music to his ears, short of the small contingent of Slytherins
(past and present), most of the stadium roared with resounding 'boos.' "Chasers
Denis Warrington, Christoph Montague. In the position of Beaters, though they're
bloody Bludgers on their own, (Heh.) Iggy Bole and Gunter Derrick. Incompetent
Keeper will mind the goals, and playing Seeker since he bought his way onto the
team..."
"JORDAN! STOP THAT RIGHT..."
"Draco Malfoy and his shiny Nimbus 2001 collection, sported by all his lovely we
ll-purchased team members..."
"JORDAN, IF YOU DON'T STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
"Sorry Professor, my house loyalty got in my way," he apologized adroitly. He gr
inned cheekily. "Now, if we can have everyone stand, let's have it for the Hogwa
rts School Song."
With a great deal of chaotic noise, all attendees stood, their right arm crossin
g their breast in a patriotic gesture that placed hand above heart. Then, and on
ly then, did the greatest known tragedy of what it meant to be a wizard begin.
The slaughter of music was profound. Caterwauling in the extreme, and Jordan, de
spite his patriotic love of the game of Quidditch, his role of commentator and t
he wizarding world he lived in, had to shudder.
Fortunately, the murder of their beloved anthem ended quickly. "Right. Lovely fo
lks... just lovely. Well, with all the preambles out of the way... let's play QU
IDDITCH!"
Again, the crowds roared their approval. Lee glanced down
oors that led out to the pitch and absently wondered what
ryffindor changing rooms. Oh, to be a fly on those walls.
e extra compound eyes just to gaze wondrously at the team
tily, wincing when McGonagall glared at him.
A flurry of action hit the field as the Slytherin team burst from their change r
oom, their green and silver uniforms a sharp contrast to the blue sky and fluffy
white clouds. "And, out first are the Slytherins... FLINT, WARRINGTON, MONTAGUE
, BOLE, DERRICK, BLETCHLY and... MALFOY!"
The cheering was more for the game about to start than anything else. Now, the c
rowds gazed with avid fascination towards the area where the Gryffindor team wou
ld emerge. The tension was palpable, the hunger just delicious.
Glancing around, Lee spotted Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger sitting complace
ntly in one of the best boxes of the stadium. They looked calm, very nonchalant
and completely at ease with all that was happening around them. Well, if rumor w
as true, Ginny had seen up close and personal the most prized package the school
had to offer. She could afford to be blas. But, Hermione? Well, perhaps she did h
anker for Ron more than Harry, contrary to the pool in the tower. He'd have to c
hange his bet.
It couldn't have been more than seconds, but it felt like an eternity before the
Gryffindor team burst from the sidelines... the sudden gasp of the crowd and th
en insane screaming spoke volumes for what was happening. Keeper Alex Mercado, t
ook to his position in his maroon and gold uniform, the wild grin on his face in
finitely more evil than any Slytherin was capable of.
"AND THE GRYFFINDOR TEAM... WEASLEY, WEASLEY, BELL, JOHNSON, SPINNET, MERCADO an
d... POTTER!"
Blue blurs shot past the commentator's booth and Lee had to wipe his eyes and st
are again just to be sure he saw what he thought he'd seen. The idiots had done
it. They'd actually gone and dyed themselves with woad. "And for those people ou
t there who are ogling the fine specimens of Gryffindor flesh, the blue twits ar
e the Weasley twins... I hope they realize that woad won't come out of their ski
n for another month or so."
The laughter was uproarious.
There was a bit of a murmur about the girls, skirting around in their robes with
their hair down and faces glowing. Some token protests echoed in the crowds, an
d all it did was make the three chasers smile most bewitchingly.
Wisely, Lee held onto the desk firmly.
With a flick of their wrist, and in perfect time, the cloaks were tossed aside,
drifting the ground like chiffon scarves on the wind. The girls sat cockily on t
heir broomsticks in bras and little pleated skirts, with knee high boots gracing
their long, long legs. "Oh dear," Lee mumbled.
McGonagall just muttered to herself, one hand braced over her eyes as she shook
her head. Poor woman seemed in pain.
In a quick action, Katie, Alicia, and Angelina lost one boot... the three black
boots falling in almost a prearranged pattern to the ground as they whipped by t
he stands, giving the crowds quite the eyeful. The other boot nipped away second
s later, then the skirts, leaving only string bikini bottoms and bras.
"We should have done a pool on what male in the stadium wouldn't get a woody," L
ee muttered to himself. "Damn..."
The bras vanished next and the roar in the stadium, a masculine sound of pure te
stosterone, was powerful. Then, the bikini bottoms and there was such a groan...
"Oh dear," Lee squeaked. "Err... well... seems all is in order by rules for this
match." He didn't notice the break in his voice.
High above all the rigmarole sat Potter, shoulders back, his body poised proudly
on display and looking like a virtual Adonis. If all the men in the stadium wer
e gawking at the girls, then every female in the stadium was glued to Potter. He
ll, just looking at the wizarding world's own adolescent hero, Lee had to admit
that if it weren't for the fact that he was firmly heterosexual, he would have b
een tempted.
Interesting how Draco seemed to be sniffing about quite closely to Potter. "The
teams are taking their positions, and it looks like the game is already in the b
ag for the Gryffindors. The Slytherin Seeker can't seem to identify the differen
ce between the Golden Snitch and Potter's..."
"JORDAN!" McGonagall's screech was beyond simply outraged.
"Err..." Jordan winced.
Madam Hooch fortunately took this opportunity to signal both teams from the cent
re of the field. Clearly, her voice amplified by charm, she opened the game in h
er usual style. "I want a nice fair game, all of you," she insisted, glaring fie
rcely at the Captains (and Co-Captains) of both teams.
"The players assume position, in preparation for the release of the Quaffle." Le
e was back to business. "Madam Hooch raises the whistle and... the Quaffle is re
leased. Katie Bell, one of the best Chasers ever out of Gryffindor takes possess
ion of the Quaffle, shifting her little arse a little for a bit of wiggle to dis
tract the Slytherin Beater-boys most successfully."
"JORDAN!"
"Captain Marcus Flint cuts across to joust Bell for the Quaff... Spinnet to the
rescue, and I bet Flint got an eyeful there. Katie passes back to Angelina and..
. look at those breasts bounce!"
"JORDAN!" McGonagall's voice reached upper octaves.
"Did I say that aloud? Oops. Johnson takes possession of the Quaffle, passes lon
g back to Alicia and... Bletchly dives to intercept... SCORE! Ten points for Gry
ffindor! Slytherin takes possession. Chaser Montague ducks one Bludger and dives
to evade Spinnet. Speeding toward the goals, his own teammates Bole and Derrick
keep aiming Bludgers to keep Gryffindor Chasersclear. Oh-ho... he shoots... Mer
cado dives and blocks the score. Ten-nothing, Gryffindor!"
"Johnson takes control of the Quaffle and... what the HELL?"
McGonagall leapt to her feet, mouth gaping--but not in response to Jordan, rathe
r at the sudden spectacle manifesting on the pitch. She disappeared in a flurry
of robes.
"Ladies and gentlemen, we have Death Eaters on the pitch!" It took a moment of s
quinting, but Lee eventually managed to establish details of what was happening
below. And, appropriately, refocused on his priorities. "The teams are continuin
g to play... Warrington has the Quaffle, swerves to evade Johnson and-- OUCH. Be
ll takes possession. Tosses to Spinnet who ducks under the Bludger with a brilli
ant dive. Comes right on Bole... who should have jigged instead of jagged. That
Bludger to the ribs has got to smart."
It was at this point that the Death Eaters seemed to figure out what they were d
oing. Concurrently, Jordan noticed, the Moldiemort board above the pitch lit up
with some new adverts for Potter's latest project.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM!" A black-robed Death Eater jumped up and down hysterically.
"I WANT POTTER DEAD! "
Lee grinned. "Ladies and gents! What a rare treat! For those of you doubting the
return You-Know-Who, please take note of the jumping-bean lunatic on the field.
"
Truly, for the Dark Lord, he was a pathetic sight. All pearly skin, his eyes sli
ts and nose mere slits... the resemblance to something serpentine was profound.
The foam at the corners of the mouth, though...
"Ah, I see Lucius Malfoy and Vincent Goyle, Sr. are in attendance with their mas
ter," Lee chortled as Voldemort's histrionics resulted in removing the masks and
hoods off his two followers.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"
A sudden flurry of activity above caught the attention of all in the stadium, in
cluding the Death Eaters. It was as if Harry Potter had deigned to give Voldemor
t a shot at his greatest wish. Swooping in a spectacular dive, and evading hexes
tossed at him by the Death Eaters, he dropped straight for Voldemort's position
.
"KILL HIM! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!"
"Potter's apparently lost his mind." Jordan leaned forward, puzzled. The game ar
ound them continued, with lively distraction on the part of the players as a res
ult of Potter's sudden action. "And I..."
Harry was within a meter of the Dark Lord when his hand lifted off the broom and
shot out towards Voldemort. All the spectators that could see Harry's face watc
hed him speak a brief few words to the Dark Lord, and then in a sweeping pass, h
is hand nipped into Voldemort's hood and extracted quickly the Golden Snitch in
his grip.
"One hundred and fifty points to Gryffindor! The cheek of Potter! His eye was fi
rmly on the Snitch there, folks, and the game is concluded. One hundred and seve
nty points for Gryffindor, the victors!" Lee paused. "Hot damn! That may be one
of the shortest games in Quidditch history!"
Chapter 10
Your Daily Snitch
by RITA SKEETER
photos by A. KINETIC
The Daily Prophet
HOGWARTS-- Despite the forced forecast of sunny skies and mild temperature about
the Hogwarts Quidditch pitch today, there was a definite storm of rampant hormo
nes and burning excitement.
The event causing the ruckus
the now infamous "Naked Quidditch Match"-- or more co
mmonly, the house game between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Of course, contrary to
initial speculation, only the Gryffindor house was in the buff, due to the fooli
sh gambling of Co-Captains Fred and George Weasley. Neither of which Weasley boy
presently enjoys much popularity with their teammates, rumor has it.
"We didn't think we could lose, either way!" the blue-skinned duo chimed cheekil
y to this reporter, once they were properly robed after the game, but still quit
e Smurf-blue having dyed themselves in true Celtic fashion prior to the game.
The stands for today's game were packed beyond capacity. Headmaster Albus Dumble
dore was forced to cast reinforcing spells on the structures prior to the game,
and did make a remark on how this was possibly a historic first for Hogwarts in
terms of attendance.
In an understanding display of good sportsmanship and depraved hormones, the Sly
therin team appeared from the Changing rooms first, clad in their trademark gree
n and silver uniforms. They made a quick sweep around the field, and then took t
heir positions-- like the rest of the fans-- to watch hungrily for the Gryffindo
r team.
The members of the team honored the terms of the bet and were dutifully unclad.
For the most part. The three Chasers for the Gryffindor team, Angelina Johnson,
Alicia Spinnet, and Katie Bell, appeared fully robed
and then did the most provoca
tive and alluring strip-tease to be seen on the British Isles since Morgana Le F
ay seduced Arthur Penvarion in full court. It had the males of the school (those
not committed to ogling Harry Potter's significant assets) spellbound.
And, the pride and glory of the Gryffindor team, their renowned Seeker Harry Pot
ter (The Boy Who Lived) took to the field like a god. More than one student comm
ented on his poise, his grace, and his use of his God-given equipment. At age 17
, Potter has most definitely earned his place in Witch Weekly as the Wizarding W
orld's most desired bachelor.
In spite the bawdy conditions on today's game, and the few hiccups that interrup
ted the play (A minor Death Eater attack was circumvented. He-Who-Should-Not-BeNamed had a small hysterical fit and tantrum in the middle of the stadium pitch,
it was perhaps the most professionally played game this reporter has ever seen.
"Potter's accuracy at finding and securing the Snitch is amazing. There's no pla
ce he won't fly to, no maneuver he won't make. He's tops on a broom!" praised Ol
iver Wood, a former alumnus of the school and Keeper for Puddlemere United. Once
the Captain of the Gryffindor team, Wood has once again teamed with Potter for
the much-anticipated Naked Quidditch Calendar. Released just this morning, the E
xecutive President of Potter Enterprises Worldwide, Ginevra Weasley, announced t
hat sales were at 98, and that another 25,000 units have been authorized for pro
duction to meet the burgeoning demand of the public.
"It's a smash!" reported Ms. Weasley. "And we're delighted to make such an amazi
ng contribution to St. Mungo's Victims Unit. Already we've committed 375 thousan
d Galleons to charity!"
The calendar, however, is just the forerunner to many good things coming from Po
tter Enterprises. Founded by Potter and Weasley, this business has shown in the
few short weeks since incorporation to have the market in its grasp, and a keen
sense of humor, wit and appeal. The Moldiemort Robes (TM) were the ONLY garments
to be seen at the game. In all sorts of sizes, the shimmer stood clear and domi
nant. "They were designed to empower witches and wizards. To give us all a sense
that what we fear can be and should be mocked. Fear is not something to run fro
m, but to face, overcome and become stronger for doing so," Ginevra Weasley info
rmed us at the press meeting.
This sentiment was reinforced by Professor Dumbledore, a longstanding proponent
for not backing down against the Dark Wizards of the world.
And indeed, with You-Know-Who jumping up and down and howling in a clear fit, it
seems hard to be afraid of this clearly deformed and unstable man. The Ministry