5 Faces of Toxic Relationships | Psychology Today

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5 Faces of Toxic Relationships

The Critic, Passive Aggressor, Narcissist, Stone
Waller & Antisocial Personality

Source: Sergei Denisov/Shutterstock

As humans, we can read all the brilliant self-help books and possess
wisdom about relationships, yet so many of us still are hindered by toxicity.
We are often scared to speak up to those who produce toxic vibes and are
even more fearful of leaving a romantic relationship, a friendship or a job
due to toxicity.
Toxicity presents itself in all different forms and some of the worst come
from individuals who appear shiny and nice. Shiny and nice on the outside
can be an illusion, as things arent always as they appear and neither are
people. The five faces of toxic relationships are common personality traits
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that are prevalent in abusive relationships but may be hidden behind a

successful and superficially kind person.
Hitting close to home
Relationship toxicity is something my co-contributor, Kristen Fuller, M.D.,
experienced firsthand, which resulted in her passion for communicating
about the topic. She writes: I myself had all the tools to avoid a toxic
relationship, but I entered into an emotionally and mentally toxic
relationship with someone who seemed like he had everything: a great
family, prestigious education, a successful career and apparently a kind
personality. I quickly realized this was all a facade and learned how deep
toxicity runs and why it is so hard to escape emotional and mental torture
when someone looks so perfect on the outside.
As the saying goes, Beauty is only skin deep. I learned the importance of
recognizing toxic relationships and friendships and how to navigate these
types of relationships. I have learned to cut out the bad people in my life
and treasure those who bring positivity. In the end, I have become a
stronger person in all capacities, even though it took being dragged
through what seemed like endless amounts of darkness.
Whether it is cutting ties to a friendship, a romantic relationship, a family
member or a work relationship, most of us can relate to the feelings of
drowning because of a toxic individual. Of course, there are many more
than five faces of toxic relationships, but these seem to be fairly common.
All of these faces can overlap, and two or more may occur
simultaneously. Think of this as the original Greek theater, where actors
walked on stage with various masks.
The Critic
Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel judged and criticized
no matter what you do? Criticism is different than giving advice, and it is
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important to understand the difference. For example, lets look at a case of

tardiness. Tardiness is by no means a good trait to have. It can hinder your
professional and personal relationships, and the majority of individuals
find it to be a bad characteristic. However, each individual has personal
kinks to work out, and we all make mistakes.
Scenario #1: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your
significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry and,
instead of asking why you were late or what happened, he or she
automatically begins insulting you. You are always late and never have
any consideration for anyone except yourself. I have been sitting here for
15 minutes waiting for you, and no matter what, you cannot seem to ever
show up on time.
This is the perfect example of criticism and, more often than not, this
person criticizes your every move: You are going to wear that? Why
dont you ever ? What is wrong with you? and the list goes on. You
feel belittled and that you can never do anything right no matter how hard
you try.
Scenario #2: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your
significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry, but
instead of lashing out in criticism, he or she inquires about this pattern. I
realized you are late quite often. Is there a reason, or has anyone else ever
noticed this trend? This is an example of when one individual is trying to
inquire why this maladaptive pattern is occurring. Instead of blaming the
actual person, he or she may blame the action.
A Critic can bring a lot of toxicity into a relationship. Critics may never call
you insulting names, but they may constantly insult your beliefs, your
appearance and your thoughts, often because they have low self-esteem
and want to be in control. Instead of trying to make suggestions to improve
some of your bad habits, they find every excuse to berate these habits and
hinder you as a person.
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The Critic criticizes the person instead of the behavior. The most
deleterious experience a person can have is when a parent says, Youre a
bad boy or girl, instead of saying, You did a bad thing.
The Passive Aggressor
We all may know people who are passive-aggressive, and this is one of the
most toxic characteristics, as you never know what message that person is
trying to convey. You may always feel you are walking on eggshells. Denial
of feelings, sarcasm and backhanded compliments are sure ways to tell that
someone is passive-aggressive.
Scenario: You did something to upset your partner, but you are unsure of
what exactly you did. You ask why he or she is angry and inquire for insight
as to what you have done so you can prevent upsetting your partner in the
future. However, your partner will not tell you why he or she is mad and
instead replies, I am fine or I am not mad, even though he or she
appears to be withdrawing from you. This can cause your brain to run in
circles trying to figure out what this person is thinking and why he or she
keeps sending these hidden messages. You may spend countless hours
trying to read the persons mind and backtrack over your every move or
word.
If a person cannot communicate in a straightforward manner and uses
sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends mixed messages or acts like
nothing is wrong regardless of exhibiting angry emotions, you might be
dealing with a Passive Aggressor.
Passive-aggression is the passive expression of anger. Common examples
include repeatedly keeping you waiting or making you late for an
appointment.
The Narcissist

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The Narcissist acts like he or she is Gods gift to the universe, knows
everything, is the best at everything and is not afraid to tell you. No matter
how smart or experienced you are, you can never measure up to this
person. Like passive-aggressiveness, narcissism is considered a personality
disorder and is toxic. A Narcissist places himself or herself on a pedestal
and looks down at you. You may feel you are constantly competing with
this person in every circumstance. Narcissists are often unwilling to
compromise, lack insight and empathy, and want to be the center of
attention. They may make it a point to ruin special occasions, such as your
birthday or a milestone in your professional career, as they constantly need
praise in every situation, even when it is your time to shine.
The tale of Narcissus from ancient Greek and Roman mythology helps us
understand narcissistic characteristics. When Narcissus looked in the
water and saw a beautiful flower instead of himself, he was surprised. The
Narcissist actually hates himself or herself. Narcissists have very thin skin
that is easily pricked or gotten under, which releases rage and hate since
their actual self-esteem is marginal. Narcissists are willing to destroy
everything and everyone around them when they are feeling hurt or
rejected, which would be a frightening thing to witness in the political
arena.
The Stone Waller
Many people may have heard of a Stone Waller, a person who refuses to
engage in conversation or share feelings when issues come up. Stone
walling refers to the act of refusing communication to evade the issue. This
often makes the other person feel insignificant and unworthy of honest
communication. The Stone Waller may come off as cold and refuse to
admit there is a problem. Refusing to communicate creates negative
feelings and barriers to furthering a successful relationship in the future.
Additionally, it can cause you to harbor feelings of resentment and guilt. If
you are trying to communicate with a person you know well and he or she
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refuses to be honest and open with you, then you may want to reconsider
why you are involved in that relationship in the first place.
By not responding to your question, the Stone Wallers noncommunication
makes you frustrated and even angry, since this person wont engage in the
expected interpersonal discourse. This tactic might be useful in a political
debate. Stone walling behavior has qualities similar to passive-aggressive
behavior.
The Antisocial Personality
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) as defined in the DSM-5 includes
the traits of a sociopath (thought to result from social conditions such as
childhood abuse, characterized by explosive and sometimes violent
behavior, but presumed to possess the capacity for empathy and remorse)
and a psychopath who allegedly feels no remorse or empathy, takes
advantage of others legally, and is often involved in fraud or other white
collar crimes with varying motivations including greed and revenge. The
etiology of psychopathic behavior is thought to be genetic and/or
congenital.
We all have tendencies for various personality traits, which may be why the
general public can be seduced since we see ourselves, at least in part, in
ASPD behavior. We also forgive and even welcome people with ASPD as we
have forgiven and welcomed ourselves (a Judeo/Christian and some other
religions tenet). However, psychopaths are psychological chameleons who
act the required emotional part to manipulate each situation and others for
money, sex, power, ego gratification, etc. They are usually so skilled
(including lying) that their victims are unaware of what is happening. This
psychologically predatory behavior can only be prevented by skillful
inquiry into the history of pain and suffering they have left behind. Not
surprisingly, most people dont even believe this and discount the evidence
until it is too late. The psychopaths love is mainly concern for control,
adulation and power, which are hidden under the cover of their book.
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Time for reflection

If you are in a relationship with a person who possesses any of these
personality traits, it may be wise to invest time reflecting on how you feel
around this person. Thats what Kristen did, and she gained tremendous
insight into human relationships.
Contributed by Kristen Fuller, M.D., Sovereign Health

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