A Creative Presentation of My Healing

A Collection of My Writings

5 May 1999 (10:33am)

Dear Journal,
My mind anticipated several events, but when my ears began to pop I knew I had missed
something. Although the pain seemed unbearable, my excitement eliminated all sense of pain. The pain
seemed to vanish as I experienced various methods of clearing the pain. Soon, I was eager to reach
Washington, D. C. I simply am burning with the fire of joy.
Sincerely,
Wilky Coutard
(2:16pm-8:45pm)
Dear Journal,
Driving through streets filled with brownstones, I was engulfed with awe and respect, for all
that I beheld with my eyes were magnificent. Atop the Capitol Hill lies a glorious figure: the Lady of
Freedom. Standing nineteen-and-a-half feet, no other statue in Washington, D. C. is taller than it.
Additionally, we passed the honorable Library of Congress developed by Thomas Jefferson. After
viewing the symbolic Washington Monument, we toured the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial.
Franklin D. Roosevelt was a man of action and power. His air of authority is shown through his
remarkable four terms as President (of the United States of America). During these sixteen years
Roosevelt guided this nation through its worst economic crisisthe Great Depressionby
implementing the New Deal. Then he led the United States through World War II. After World War II
Roosevelt proclaimed the four freedoms that all peoples should enjoy: freedom of speech and worship
and freedom from fear or want. Yet in the midst of all this power and determination lay a dark side that
never cast a shadow.
Roosevelt was crippled because of his contraction of polio in 1921. Moreover, during
Roosevelt's period in time those who were handicapped were considered unreliable. As a result,
Roosevelt always concealed his disability from the public, but not from his wife, Eleanor Roosevelt.
She, like her husband, was always pursuing a task. Her actions instigated the confidence of women
around the world. Soon she became the first United States delegate to the United Nations. By doing this
she truly inspired other women to strive for the stars.
Returning to several quotes of Franklin D. Roosevelt, I began to understand how one man can
so evidently move and shape an entire nation. The quotes that I read were these and more: I Pledge
You, I Pledge Myself to a New Deal for the American People. We must be the great arsenal of
democracy. I certainly want to remember all this.
I absorbed the vast amount of information I learned at this memorial with great fascination. I
was so eager to learn, but I also captured the moment by simply having fun. Yet today's trip wasn't
over; we still had to tour Mount Vernon and various sections of the plantation.
I was totally captivated by the enormityeight thousand acresof the plantation. Furthermore,
looking over the Hanging Woods (this is an English design of planting trees, which framed the
landscape) and into the Potomac River I felt a sudden rush of perfection. Perfection was also sought by
those who designed the entire plantation of Mount Vernon, for they built fences called ha-ha's which
blend into the land making them virtually invisible. The ha-ha's prevented the animals in Washington's

farm from intruding onto the front lawn. Proceeding this exploration, we visited the Thomas Jefferson
Memorial.
The many quotes inscribed on the walls of the Jefferson Memorial touched my heart. These
quotes expressed notions which were [sacred] to all men. Moreover, the quotes have strengthen my
personality into a much higher state of maturity. Thus, this and the other explorations have physically
exhausted me, but [it also] has expanded my knowledge of historical America.
Sincerely,
Wilky Coutard
6 May 1999 (12:22am-9:40pm)
Dear Journal,
Mere words can not possibly explain the feelings that engulfed my heart. The cruelty inflicted
upon humanity to himself aroused deep emotions from within me. The Nazis executed all who did not
fit certain criteria, which are ridiculous to name, for they specified one's way of thinking and acting and
the way one must look in terms of physical characteristics. Yet the Jews were the only people that the
Nazis tried to totally annihilate from the face of the planet.
The pictures and explanations, no matter how dramatic, could never express the true horror that
the Jews experienced. Being placed in concentration camps and their many subcamps, the inmates were
either executed or chosen by the Nazis to work until their bodies couldn't function. To the ruthless
Nazis, the inmates were viewed as a source of raw material when they labor. Thus as I left the
Holocaust Memorial I was deeply saddened, but knowing that some Jews and entire nations resisted
Nazism I understood that those who had died had not done so in vain.
Sincerely,
Wilky Coutard
6 May 1999
Dear Journal,
Before our entry into Capitol Hill, we met Representative Eclay Shaw. It was a marvelous
moment to meet a person who impacts this nation's society so greatly. After shaking hands with this
prominent man, I headed towards Capitol Hill. My excitement was growing.
The large dome of Capitol Hill, which was built during the Civil War, weighs about nine million
pounds and reaches a height of one hundred eighty feet. What a feat! On the walls of the dome lie the
fascinating paintings of Colonel Trumbull and a timeline of American history. Afterward we advanced
through the breathtaking halls of the Capitol. Statues upon statues were located in the capacious rooms
and halls. They portrayed symbolical notions and actual persons which reflect various periods of
American history. Oh! I have forgotten to explain my journey through the Air and Space Museum.
Our visit through the museum was very brief (to be exact, it was only forty-five minutes), but
my curiosity and interest in aerospace technology allowed me to capture the essence and the
information present rapidly. Firstly, the enormity of various missiles attracted my attenetion
immediately, for I had never imagined such a possibility. Then I delved into the interactive, hands-on
activities that were present. I closely examined these activities learning as much as I csn and satisfying

my curiosity. Yet my journey was cut short, because time demanded our departure. (The sequence of
events resumes from the tour of the capacious rooms and halls and we are now headed to the House
Gallery.) In the House Gallery the representatives were discussing a very important issue of how to
spend billions of dollars in an effort to bring an end to the crisis in Kosovo.

Digital Journal

21 October 2006
Dear Journal,
This is my first entry into an electronic journal. I hope it will serve as an additional component
to my written journal. It may eventually supplant the written, but I would transfer the written entries
into this
e-journal. Technicalities aside, I must say that dancing at clubs and parties is the hottest thing ever!
There is simply nothing like it, especially when a girl wants to get close.
23 October 2006
Dear Journal,
I went to a computer job interview at UM today. I think it went fairly well. I also spent today
trying to figure out how to write this AppleScript to display a request dialog box that would open this
eJournal if it were answered in the affirmative. I started at around 6am today and finally figured it out
around 11pm. Yup! Programming is fun, but it can be hard when you've just started learning it. I plan to
start writing some poems and more programs. As time progresses, I plan to recount the thoughts and
inner experiences that captivated me most of this past summer. History itself seemed to have had stood
still as a new era in humankind dawnedan era of psychohistory of sorts. Oh, I also found these cool
sites on MSN Dating with some info that may help me in the relationship realm. Later.
25 October 2006
Dear Journal,
The iBook G4 is the best computer ever. You can automate so many processes so that truly
advanced work can be accomplished. I thank the Lord for another wonderful day. Each day one must
bow his heart, soul, and mind before the will of the Supreme God. I'm thinking of applying to Macy's
to work as a Holiday Sales Associate. It should be an exciting position. I hope to maintain a high-level
of activity, hoping to return to Yale in June. I must prepare my mind and soul (one must remember how
heart-wrenching your condition was that brought your father to tears). You must never forget where
you have come from to know where you are going. Focus everything in your mind and body to achieve
your goal. One must understand the feelings of others, but never forget the aimmoving from glory to
glory, day after day. I plan on garnering enough money to finance a Spanish class at UM and two other
classes at UM.
...What if time itself stood still? An ancient secret known to a few, avoided by many, and
intriguing to one captivates the imagination of the world. Some may have considered it a plan to unite
humanity to prepare for the most climactic event in the world's history. Time and space can indeed
yield to the power of the mind.
26 October 2006
Dear Journal,
Blessed be the name of the Lord. For He is worthy of honor, glory, and praise. Well, classes are
almost over. My mind is as keen as ever. I have also truly developed physically. Indeed the Lord has
looked upon me with much favor. His wonders are beyond what we can fathom. We yield to him
everyday and open our hearts every moment. Each day we walk to and fro, accomplishing our various
tasks. We make calls to friends, watch water spring out of the UM lake fountain, converse with a loved
one, enjoy the chirping of birds, or read a good book, but we move towards an end, a goal. I have

learned that there, of course, lies this goal towards which I strive, but time must be set aside to slow
down and observe the fluidity of life.
...Despite the claims of many scientists and atheists, humanity is unlike any other species that
roams the earth in very special aspects. It is accepted by all that man is physical, but few are willing to
accept that he is also a spiritual being. It can be further claimed that still fewer are willing to concede
that the two are intimately intertwined. Although modern society finds such an idea entirely
unscientific, the CIA actually investigated the notion in its project on remote viewing. That is a
completely different approach, but properties that are not physical are derived from the physical. The
terms of the discussion may be different, but the principles addressed are very similar. In other words,
human existence is actually characterized by a dual reality whose constituent parts cannot easily be
separated. In fact, science does present a startling analogy to this dual reality when one considers
classical physics and quantum physics. The former being derived from the latter like the physical that
which is seen being derived from the spiritual, the unseen. To further the analogy, quantum physics is
primarily used to explain the smallest aspects of the physical realm that are virtually unseen, whereas
the classical deals with the larger, observable world. The ancients distinctly understood this principle of
derivation.
27 October 2006
Dear Journal,
Concerning the development of a relationship, courtship rituals are very important insofar as
they are sufficiently understood. The role of dancing is a delicate issue, given the strong, passionate
emotions that are aroused. Your hearts beat in sync, you share breaths, and your eyes lock together.
Your bodies move in response to each other. The very intensity of the passions involved requires
careful analysis of the developing relationship because rationality and clear-headed decisions cannot be
accurately made. In a less intense social atmosphere, a similar phenomenon develops where cues are
mishandled, sent incorrectly, and the like. In this case, the decisions implemented can sometimes be too
rational such that they are inappropriate or ineffectual. Consequently, the notion of meta-thinking in the
process of courtship may serve an important role. Whereas some may call this second-guessing
yourself, it, in fact, is the exact opposite. I am certain that one becomes truly aware of the most correct
course of action in a given situation because it is the sum value of the prior incidents if they are
arranged properly. I'll get to this tomorrow (gotta go to sleep). Later.
28 October 2006
Dear Journal,
To sum up yesterday's discussion, I'll just say that you can know the intentions of a girl who
might be interested in you at least in a superficial manner by paying attention to all her actions,
including her words, body language, facial features, and eye movements. Ok, today I tried calling
Susan Vega, a high school friend, who liked me while we were classmates. Apparently, she gave me a
phone number that is actually a fax number. We met in a LA Fitness gym and she actually encouraged
me to kiss her on the cheek. She is very, very pretty. It took me all day to work up the courage to call
the number she gave me and lo and behold it didn't work. I know it would be weird. No, it would
actually be beyond weird to fax a document to the number. Who is on the other side? Well, such is the
case with budding relationships. Fortune and luck play a very significant role. Nevertheless, the
initiative must sometimes be taken to turn these chancy events in your favor. Carpe diem!

2 November 2006
Dear Journal,
It feels like that I had actually written an additional entry since the last one indicated. I may
have forgotten to save it and the program didn't warn me of that fact before I shut it off. Oh, well, I'll
never know. Time is such a fleeting aspect of our existence. To think of my earlier condition, I am at
once frightened and amazed that the Divine One has preserved my life that He might use it in his
service. My mind became wrapped up in a complicated web of information that seemed to be too
coherent, given their disparate sources. It is better to leave such things in the past and re-visit them
from time to time only in passing. It is the Lord who must captivate our minds and hearts.
I bow my heart and bend the knee before Jesus Christ, the Lord of lords and King of kings. His
empire shall be one of universal peace and amazing wonders. Wars shall finally come to an end. With a
rod of iron, the Prince of peace shall rule, all powers and authorities being made subject to Him.
Moving to last weekend at Christ Fellowship church, I can't help, but remember the
conversation that Eric started about relationships. Like him, I haven't ever had a girlfriend. This is not
because I have never been approached, but because I have for one reason or another chosen not to
pursue a relationship. He and I didn't think anything was wrong with this, but Sherrani definitely
thought so, believing Eric and me were stuck in the "twilight zone." Although the conversation went a
little bit too fast with respect to subject matter, I am grateful that God has allowed me to begin
developing friendships with other upright Christian young adults. As it is written, "iron shall sharpen
iron." Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Regarding relationships, I must also remember that I should try to minimize intense or charged
social interactions. Sometimes it is girls that really cause the problem for me. I emphasize
sometimes.
6 November 2006
Dear Journal,
Maybe I exaggerated my heightened anxiety around girls, but it is very real. In fact, it can
sometimes produce unnecessary tension in my friendships with girls. Given that this is the case, I try to
minimize such friendships and the consequent interactions thereof. With respect to relationships, one
can ask the girl if she wants to eat with you sometime or the like. Any interaction that is innocuous and
can remain as such if necessary. I have to head over to work right now.
19 November 2006
Dear Journal,
It has been a busy set of two weeks, but they are over and Thanksgiving is around the corner.
Returning to the earlier discussion, I believe that a higher order theory concerning social dynamics can
provide a broader understanding of why unnecessary tensions sometimes arise in my friendships and
"weak" relationships with girls. From a personal perspective, this theory would posit the axiom that
social tensions are directly related to the social group size with each side of the equation increasing
arithmetically. In leadership roles that I have assumed, this simple principle has resulted to egregious
errors in organization and terrible efficiency. In both cases, this appears to be derived from the fact that
I sometimes have a limited capacity to adapt in very, very complex social situations. This is not due to a

lack of ability thereof, but rather a sheer overload of social data yields to stalling. Whereas many
people are somewhat lighthearted in their social interactions, I sometimes can become so attuned to
slight facial expressions, eye movements, hand gestures, body composure, and the like that the sum
total of all the information becomes meaningless for real-time interaction. If the social interaction is
repeated, then each time the information processing time decreases and the ease of interaction becomes
easier. As an example of this, I would point to my relationship with Lihua Chen, one of my best high
school friends, who may have become my sweetheart if I hadn't been so hesitant. Nevertheless, I was
also bound by a solemn vow to God that I couldn't break. I should have talked to her, but I didn't think
she would understand. I saw her this summer by chance outside the library and I was somewhat afraid
to broach the subject with her, even after I had sent a lengthy e-mail to her about it. Oh man! Oh, I am
one weird brother. Ok, I really need to keep writing in this journal and reflecting on events in my life.
Regarding that e-mail that I sent to Lele, I can't believe that I didn't pay attention to her
response. She stated, "I am sorry, I don't understand". Oh, man, the letter was entitled "A Letter from
the Heart." What in the world was I on! Considering that the e-mail was in length more than two very
long paragraphs, I couldn't understand why she had written such a short response, but it now appears
(yup, I couldn't figure that out earlier) she was simply overwhelmed by the information in the e-mail.
Now I have to do some social calculations that apparently not only I do (Eric from church does similar
processes at times). I will try contacting Su Luo and meet up with her a few times. She and Lele are
best friends, but as always no definite conclusions or plans can be drawn from such information. Lele
did seem unusually interested in how I was doing, but I will have to let her go if no more chance
encounters present themselves.
Letting go of Lele will definitely have to happen if I want to see some of my other potential
relationships blossom. In my case, this is particularly true because I often want the girl to make the
initial advance of interest or attraction. I do this for several reasons, but one is because of my height
and somewhat intimidating frame. I don't want girls to feel that I am imposing my will on them or
forcing them. This is where I have to be very attentive because girls like to play hard-to-get, but if they
are really interested in you they will make advances. Nevertheless, these advances are very, very subtle
somewhat like human pheromones. For example, I think Ifeoma may have been attracted to me, but she
was very aggressive to the point that I think there was something else going on. As I think about it, this
may indeed have been the case because two of her friends also seemed attracted to me. For me, this
was way too complicated. What would happen to their friendship? Would they turn on me? Yup, this is
my point the ramifications, the social tensions and their consequent difficulties.
Early last year, I thought that Marisa liked me because she and I were drawn to each other. We
sat next one another in the dining hall, I went to her room to use her tea water heater, and I used her
scarf for a time. I think we were flirting a lot together. That is another thing, too. Flirting is very fun
because it is spontaneous and the whole point of the game is to receive and to send enough social data
to ensure that the interaction continues. For example, I am not sure if Gloria was interested in a
relationship with me, but she loved to flirt with me. She loved joking with me and about me (of course,
in jest and always when I was there). She also enjoyed contrasting heights, which was cute (I was over
a foot taller than her). Nevertheless, she also wanted me to attend the YSC dinners more regularly, but I
claimed that I was always too busy to do so (trying to minimize social interactions there, too). One
must approach the Lord and He will touch the heart of a woman to be drawn to you, but I must act
when He moves my heart likewise. Oh, there is this girl (Stephanie) where I work now who is very
pretty, but I haven't really been able to get into an extended conversation with her. I don't think that it'll
ever happen.

Returning to my conservations at Christ Fellowship, which actually started this whole line of
thought in my journal, I think that Sherrani and Eric have actually started dating, which will probably
bring him out of the "twilight zone." I think Sarah may actually be attracted to me (she noticeably
pulled me a little bit closer to her chest than I expected when I hugged for her birthday). We'll see what
happens. There is also Valerie, but I really don't know, since it just has been chance encounters. Well, so
much for studying programming. I guess the study of social interactions and attractions is far more
interesting. Ideas seem to just keep flowing to my fingertips. In pursuing relationships, one must not act
needy, wanting, or begging for the relationship--this is very important.
26 November 2006
Dear Journal,
I have been very busy lately, trying to wrap-up this fall semester. Besides that, I have also given
some more thought on my relationships. I think part of the reason why I haven't entered any serious
relationships is because of mutual seriousness. A relationship is a serious matter although it can
simultaneously be light-hearted. I have often been unable to gauge how seriously the girl wants to
engage in the relationship. Other times it is the case that I haven't been too interested in investing time,
money, and commitment into a relationship. Despite that, this has been my general attitude. I plan on
being more proactive and more perceptive. Nevertheless, I don't plan on changing my generally laidback attitude to the whole dating scene. I mean who can argue that it is not great to be single although
being in a relationship does have its exciting moments.
29 November 2006
Dear Journal,
The hardest part of the relationship is the initiation. More specifically, how does one develop
the intimate connection necessary to a social bond? After reading some articles, I have developed some
ideas. One important catalyst to developing a sound relationship is spending time with the other person.
The specific activity isn't that important (eating, nevertheless, is a very good option). Since ancient
times, the act of sharing a meal with someone else indicated that one trusted and cared for the
companion. These are just some ideas that I hope to work on as time progresses. Well, these are just
some things that I'll think about as my classes wind down.
30 November 2006
Dear Journal,
Every day I give honor and glory to the one true God, Master of the Universe. We must kneel
before his majesty, bow the head before him, and lift the hands to him in worship. Lord Jesus, I believe
I have prayed for this before, but I offer the same prayer again with a better clarity of mind. Lord, keep
me pure and holy in your righteousness. In the same thought, I pray for you to move the heart of a likeminded, pure, holy, and special girl to look upon me, but make me, O Lord, aware. Lord, make me
notice her furtive glances, her beautiful smiles, her sweetest, softest touches, her tranquil demeanor, her
love, her care, her humor. Lord, I will cherish her love, taking care of her and growing in wisdom and
truth with her. No nation, no swords of earth, no weapons of man, no forces of the deep, and no plots of
man can ever cause me to forsake her love. I will protect her and will respect her like I protect my own
body, Temple of the Most High. Who is like my God? In all the earth, there is none like Him. Move
my heart and soften my mien. I thank you, O Lord, for giving me a sound mind (in every sense of the

word). I must actively strive to fashion my personality according to the words of 1 Peter and the like;
the Lord will do the rest.
An empire of peace shall He bring to the world. Kings shall kneel before Him. From face to
face, tears shall be wiped away. He shall be our light day after day forever and ever. Come quickly,
Lord Jesus!
3 December 2006
Dear Journal,
I have been thinking that another way of getting together with a girl is to study for a class with
her. Liubin Yang, a girl that may have actually been interested in me, wanted to study for a StatisticsBiology test together. Since I was sort of busy, I turned down the invitation. I think that I may have also
turned it down because I thought it would have been a potential waste of study time for the simple
reason that I do not generally study well with others. I plan to start changing this behavior somewhat by
studying on my own and then studying with a study partner. Ifeoma, Rushelle, and Shana studied with
me once before and it was very good although my productivity did decrease somewhat. Alright, I have
to finish wrapping up this semester and start getting ready to return to Yale. I probably mentioned this
before, but Janine and Justine exhibited very similar behaviors when they were near me or crossed
paths with me. Both either tried to avoid eye contact with me or briefly glance at me with a faint smile.
Let me just say they acted very awkwardly around me as if they were attracted to me, but afraid to
approach me about it. I will have to be more assertive and confident, being able to approach girls more
often. Oh, man, Shakira was another girl who acted somewhat awkwardly around me. There was that
night when she appeared out of nowhere when I was headed to the room of Cecilia, her roommate, to
repair Cecilia's computer. She described her own problem to me while we headed to her dorm, but it
suddenly disappeared when I finished repairing her roommate's computer. Weird?!
10 December 2006
Dear Journal,
I have countless ideas that scurry through my mind, but every once in awhile I try to catch a few
of these and put them on paper (or in an e-document). Have you ever looked at the clouds of heaven,
observed their amorphous, wispy qualities and wondered if there is a transcendent meaning in their
forms? Who can understand the depth of the knowledge of the Lord and the breadth of His wisdom?
With deep humility and a trembling spirit, one approaches the Divine One to bow before His scepter
and receive His commands. Who is like unto our God? All nations shall yield to His rule and submit to
His kingdom. Serve the Lord with all your heart, your mind, and your soul.
This leads me to something very interesting. I think Nicole from Branford, CT was actually
interested in me in a very strange way. First and foremost, there is the fact that she is a Jehovah's
Witness, which completely threw a very real monkey wrench into my plans to ask her out.
Nevertheless, as I think about it, I am convinced that she was genuinely attracted to me. Every time we
met each on the sidewalk, we couldn't stop speaking with one another. After class, she always looked
for me and walked with me to the dorms. It was a very enjoyable relationship. Now that I think of it. I
think that I felt that so many girls were actually attracted to me in their own special ways that if I
actually chose a girl to date the others would become overly jealous or become offended. I need to
learn that I cannot please everyone. Some girls may become offended and others may become jealous,
but that is somewhat the nature of this game. Be nice to all, understand yourself, and respect the girls.
Alright, I have to go to sleep now.

11 December 2006
Dear Journal,
Do you think we could have been a good couple? That is the question that I have been
thinking of asking Lily. Then there is Gloria who insisted that I had to know that I loved her. Why
would Lily even enter a genuine relationship with me? We are so far away from each other most of the
time. We've kept in touch with one another very infrequently. There is also Tiffany from the church, but
I am not sure about that relationship going anywhere. Lily is a very good friend, but I do not think that
we were made for each other in an intimate way. Gloria, on the other hand, is a very sweet, caring, and
charming girl. I am not even sure if Gloria still likes me, which is also the case with Lele. I really have
to remember to send Gloria (and maybe Lily) a birthday note. I need to stop being so cold and
calculating, fearing that a given relationship may be a waste of time. Life is too short to be so serious
all the time.
13 December 2006
Dear Journal,
My return to Yale is fast approaching. I will have to continue to watch such shows as Laguna
Beach and Real World to understand the complex dynamics of social dating and interactions. With
these shows in mind, Lily's happiness in seeing me this past summer was not necessarily derived from
a desire to begin a relationship, but from the depth of our friendship. In other words, I think my
emotional e-mail was more of a spur of the moment, cathartic exercise rather than an actual intent to
begin a genuine relationship. I mean who would actually start a relationship in such an electronic
fashion. As Yale approaches ever closer, I seriously do not wish to analyze the "other" events that were
transpiring immediately prior to my departure.
Your mind must be as stolid as that of an ancient Spartan. The body must be disciplined, the
mind sharpened, and the soul infused with the power of Christ. It is written: "No man that warreth
entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that he may please him who hath chosen him to be a
soldier" (II Timothy 2:4). I must set my mind upon the things of heaven, looking to God, Ruler of the
heavens, for my salvation and hope. A sound mind and a clean heart is his precious gift to humanity.
Nevertheless, the Spartan mentality must be tempered by gentleness, patience, meekness, kindness, and
lovethe very constituent substances of a pure heart.
What would a girl actually think of all my rambling? Alright, I have to get ready for work
tomorrow.
15 December 2006
Dear Journal,
So much for getting ready for work today. My anticipation of returning to Yale has filled me
with so much excitement that sleep has completely escaped me. Gloria was sometimes able to go
without sleep for two or three days.
16 December 2006
Dear Journal,
Today was a great day at work. My heart longs to see Haiti one day. The fact that I am
Haitian-American is one from which I cant separate as I discovered today at work. Those who pay

very close attention to my speech pattern can detect a slight accent derived from my Haitian ancestry.
This ties very well into my discussion on social dynamics. Ethnic clustering is a social phenomenon
that can be best be described by the catch phrase from chemistry: like dissolves like. Since the
similarities among members of a given ethnic cluster generally outnumber their differences, new
members of the same ethnic group can easily integrate into that given group. I may try to ignore this
pattern, but it literally sends chills through my spine when I see social dynamics simplify themselves to
this. The chill is not because of fear or disgust, but at the sheer predictability of human behavior. I am
more acutely aware of these patterns because I am usually isolated when social chaos moves ever
closer towards social order. I have tried to remedy this problem by being more socially engaging, but I
think it may have something to do with my late start at speaking. This produced a very taciturn,
focused, introverted demeanor. Combining this persona with my large physique, it produces a very
intimidating, austere character, as others perceive it. For example, Dan, a fairly tall, yet lanky
roommate, indicated point-blank that he was afraid of me despite my docile and calm manner. As I was
driving to work, I was thinking about this. (I may have revealed too much information when I was
broken in mind and spirit.) I must take extra measures to reduce the perception of the apparent danger
that others believe that I may pose to them and those around them. As an educated black man, this is
something that I am forced to always consider. Although I may disregard the color of my skin, it and
what I may potentially be are ever present in the minds of those around me. Yes, many black men have
endeavored to change the stereotype of violence, brutality, and crassness that seems to define men of
my race and many others have sought to expunge such stereotypes from their minds. Nevertheless, the
fear remains. I would walk that extra distance past my own stop just so that a female stranger wouldnt
think I was specifically following because my stop matched hers when in actuality it did. I on occasion
would accidentally miss my floor in a parking garage when it happened to match that of a female
strangers floor who happened to be in the elevator with me. I am certain that my fellow Arab
Americans might often think of such modifications to their normal behavior to allay the fears that
others may have. This whole discussion relates to an earlier point about why I dont like to overtly
approach girls that I may be attracted to. Of course, I may try to engineer a situation such that she
perceives me as less of a threat or simply not a threat at all, but I allow her to decide how she feels and
determine what she is comfortable with. I fear that my first advance might appear overly aggressive or
intrusive. This requires patience, care, and keenness, but I am willing to sacrifice a certain amount of
social pride to appear less and less threatening. My faith plays a very large part in giving me the
personal strength to humble myself. Consequently, many may consider me to be shy and timid when in
reality it is a choice that I have madeone of self-restraint.
Cassie is the hottest female singer that I have ever seen. She is so beautiful! I think I actually
have a crush on her. Wait, what is the colloquial definition of crush? I sort of understand what it
means, taking it to be very similar to when you like someone. Discussing dating, listening to music
about love, maybe dancing, actually dancing, and kissing are the best ways of acting upon the sexual
urges produced by hormones and intentions prior to marriage. Paul puts it this way. If one burns with a
passion for a virgin, then marry her, but do not let such a passion aimlessly consume you. I tried to
explain something of this sort to my atheist roommate to explain the sanctity of marriage and the place
of intercourse, as a covenant by blood, within it. On another note, I need to start preparing for Tae
Kwon Do more intensively. Kanpe, tout moun ayisen. Bay yon bon nom pou nacion nou. Pa janm bliye
kote ou soti, pou ka kon ki kote ou brale. Pou BonDieu, pou pep-la, pou fanmi-a.
21 December 2006
Dear Journal,
There is another aspect of dating and relationships that needs to be considered. The friends of

the girl that I may be interested in can seriously complicate any sort of relationship that might develop.
In my case, the relationship becomes more complicated when more and more friends become involved.
These various aspects of the dating social scene are becoming more apparent as I more actively think
about them. For example, I noticed something very strange when I went to Christ Fellowship this past
weekend for the College students and Young adults service. Ok, this may be a stretch, but I am trying to
synthesize and apply certain things that I am learning about relationships. After having attended the
services for a couple of weeks, I start walking to the service room and meet one of Tiffanys friends,
Mike. As we approach the room, I notice Tiffany, waiting for Mike, but it is her reaction to me, which
was so strange. I was somewhat shocked to see her, but she reacted to me with desire and interest. It is
something that words cannot quite describe. She conformed her body into a subtly submissive,
seductive posture, attractively smiling at me. To further the awkward sense, she invited me to hug her.
Ill continue to engage her in this social dance, but I dont expect any serious relationship to develop.
Of course, things can change!
I must increase my activity level. I must workout, eat, study, and pray with more fervor and
dedication. I am fast approaching the future, but dont forget what you have learned. This journal will
hopefully aid in remembering these things.
23 December 2006
Dear Journal,
I finally figured out how to write the script to automatically request the opening of the journal.
On other matters, I must learn to channel my frustrations and exhaustion with work in fruitful
endeavors like working out or writing in my journal. Also, I think I have finally discovered a passage in
the Bible that may actually discuss dating and girlfriends (I Cor. 7). I am somewhat excited to have
seen this passage before I entered into any relationship. The Lord is good to those who are patient and
willing to wait on Him. Im planning to attend one of the Christmas services at the church later today.
1 January 2007
Dear Journal,
In the shadow of the cross of Christ, I will live the rest of my days, O Lord. His light must
consume us and fill us with His love. An ancient legend of a spirit from the Dark Continent that united
our people must remain as a secret legend that is never repeated. We have knelt before the Lord to give
Him all the glory. My heart will raise a new voice to the Lord. How can perceived insults from one
person travel hundreds of miles to infect another? Fight for God, defend your honor, love the Lord, and
pray for humankind. Discipline your body so that it may become stronger, faster, and leaner. Sharpen
your mind to serve the Lord. Be aware of social tensions, but do not allow them to affect you insofar as
others act oblivious to them. We must wrap up exploratory work and begin to focus on biomedical
studies. The Lord is sovereign over all and His will be done on earth as it is in heaven. A question, Was
it actually two galaxies colliding? A question, Was it actually a plot? A question, Was it actually an
investigation of me? A question, Was it actually a battle of the mind? A question, Was it actually a war
among various classes? A question, Was it actually a blast of lightning and a clap of thunder that shook
the earth? Why didnt I return to the fight? Was my mind actually opened? Having once been
disgraced, can I again stand as a man of honor and integrity? I have too much to do, too much to work
on in myself. Would a girl really understand that I am still a work in progress and that I am still under
construction by the Lord? Could she understand that I cannot be perfect, yet I would try to live like

Christ? Focus on growing. If a girl comes into your life, she comes in. If a girl doesnt come into your
life, she doesnt come in. Live for Christ always!!
7 January 2007
Dear Journal,
Lord, I pray that you will make my return to Yale a smooth process. I hope that not too many
people will question me, as it can become an annoyance after some time. My Bible study group is a
very interesting set of guys. Lord, I also pray that you will guide me in choosing the best classes that
will challenge me and help me to grow. Marcellashe is an odd girl who seems to be unusually
interested in me. Her sister is pretty. I have tried to become hyperaware of the social behavior patterns
of girls. This is still a work in progress. Nevertheless, I pray to God that He will preserve my physical
purity and restore the purity of my mind. My passions are very strong, but I am willing to wait for that
girl whose beauty will be matchless, whose mind will be keen beyond any other, and whose heart will
be pure in the eyes of God. Until the time, I will prepare my body, my mind, and my soul for her. (On
an entirely different note, I need to learn to tone down my language sometimes and use ordinary
vocabulary. That other vocabulary is way too pompous at times.) We must synthesize the years of work
that have been completed on this matter in the previous years into a cogent plan: Operation Conqueror.
7 January 2007
Dear Journal,
As I become hyperaware of the social behavior of girls, I must also become hyperaware of the
maneuvers of the Enemy. With respect to socializing with girls, I will look at some of the comments of
George Washington (I dont know; it was an interesting idea I thought of after remembering some
information from my History classes). The passions must be subdued, making them latent in nature.
While I am on this topic, it is worth mentioning that Tiffanys behavior towards me is becoming
somewhat strange in a sort of inviting way. Also, Mary-Ann was very funny today at the youth service,
insisting jokingly that I should have never forgotten her name. I seriously do not remember meeting
her, but it was great meeting her. I began filling out the Yale summer school application. I have begun
taking the first steps of my return. An army shall precede, an army shall defend my flanks, an army
shall defend my rear, and I will pray to my God for guidance. I was attacked once, but I will not be
vulnerable again. What the Enemy had meant for my destruction the Lord has turned in my favor. O
Lord, examine my life. Show me what I must change to honor you. I will remove clubbing from my list
of activities. I will still go to school dances here and there. The crosshairs of the Enemy have zeroed in
on me on several occasions. I must detect that and fight back. I must learn to use my social sensitivity
to strike when the Enemy has made a tactical error. Each soldier must secure his zone of attack with a
precision that only the Sword of the Spirit can provide. The documents from years passed will be
compiled. And the fight on my fronts of action will be engaged with due diligence. Although Satan, the
Enemy, attacks with the ferocity of a devouring lion, I will be even fiercer, fighting like David who
slew the lion. I will be smarter in my actions, wiser in my decisions with the aim being on the goal. I
have kneeled before You, O Lord Jesus Christ. From the days of my youth, I have known You and Your
power to save and to bring peace into the troubled mind of a young boy. You saved a boy whose mind
darkened with the blackness of death each time he went to sleep for several months. It was as if the
Greek legend of Hypnos was indeed true; each night of sleep was a small taste of death. I remembered
also thinking deeply about my own mortality day after day. Although I was young, I loved to wonder
about great mysteries. I was perplexed by the notion of death. Was it a state of black sleep, nothingness,
or oblivion? I lived my life like a normal elementary school student, but I always wondered about death
in the back of my mind. It was when I discovered an English Bible in the back of my parents car that I

started uncovering the answers to the many profound questions that I had. After studying His word for
several years, I soon came to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior and Redeemer, the Finisher of
my faith when I was ten years old. I would spend another ten years, growing in the awesome
knowledge of the Lord day by day. After these ten years, which places my statements in the present
time, I was spiritually attacked in a very, very strange way that I scarcely understand. I will never forget
that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of all knowledge. I rededicated myself to the Lord last year
and in August of last year I was baptized. I have continued to grow in the Lord and nothing can stop me
now, as I stand tall as a soldier of Christ in full battle gear. May all power, glory, and dominion be
given to Christ, Lord of all!!
11 and 13 January 2007
Dear Journal,
There are times when the mind must be focused and sharpened, letting this mind be in you that
is also in Christ Jesus, (Phil 2:5). You must fight in the spirit with a ferocity that freedom
engenders, placing the body and thoughts in subjection to Christ and remembering the weapons of this
war are spiritual. The fight is against principalities and powers in heavenly places that war against the
children of God. Do not fear man, but fear God for He is Lord of all. The fear of the Lord is the
beginning of all knowledge. Amen.
24 January 2007
Dear Journal,
It is important to note that Scripture makes it clear that we fight not against flesh and blood, but
against powers and principalities that are in high places. I open my heart to the Lamb of God time after
time, submitting myself in obedience to the Lord Jesus Christ. I pray that the Lord will remain near me
as I begin re-structuring my plans (the will of the Lord be done). I pray that the Lord will make my
time at Yale, a time of growth and fruitfulness. I offer myself as a living sacrifice to the living God. I
offer my strength, my mind, my body, my heart, and my soul as a living, spiritual sacrifice to the Lord
and His service. My life is one of sacrifice. I must progressively sacrifice my base desires and replace
them with noble, lofty desires of the Most High. The fierce passions that rage in the depths of my being
must be subdued, every thought brought into subjection to Christ, and every act done in such a manner
to bring glory to God. My life was saved and sealed by a gift of sacrifice and so I return that life as a
sacrifice. Blessed be the name of the Lord for He is worthy of glory, honor, and praise! Remember
always the meaning of sacrifice!!
1 February 2007
Dear Journal,
I must strive to expunge the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes from my nature. I have
struggled with pornography intermittently, but I am putting this behind me. Although I am debating
about going to clubs, I have determined that it is best not to give the Enemy any inlet. Do all to the
glory of God!

4 February 2007
Dear Journal,
Today my brother recounted his belief that he feels cornered (or opposed) by everyone else in
the family. With gentleness and compassion, I must address his concerns. As I am changed into the
image of Christ, I will express more and more of Him and less of myself. The same thing is happening
in my brothers life, but probably in a different fashion. I have to prepare for work tomorrow.
Each minute of each day we must strive to live a holy and righteous life that is pleasing in the
eyes of God. Set your heart on the things of heaven.
I need to clearly delineate all the reasons behind my withdrawalas way of explaining my
actions.
1) Medical school preparation
a) studying for the MCAT
b) planning courses to take
2) Financial reason
a) cover financial gap
b) summer school payment
3) Medical reason
a) fever
b) mental exhaustion
c) physical exhaustion
4) Explore specific computer science program at UM
a) computer programming course
b) work on specific computer program
5) The enigma of girls????
The Lord has blessed you with much. He expects much from me in turn. Lord, give me the
strength and the courage to step up to the plate.
5 February 2007
Dear Journal,
What the Enemy sought to confound the Lord my God has preserved and increased beyond
greater measures. The Lord is my defender and protector. His is the glory and the power forever and
ever. I am beginning to setup many aspects of my life with the guidance of the Lord. May the glory, the
power, and the honor be to God the Father in Christ Jesus. Amen.
12 February 2007
Dear Journal,
It looks like I may have been given a position as a temporary worker at UM. There are certain
strange coincidences that occurred today, but such things compose the fabric of reality. I dont know if I
will be able to keep the position because of certain forms that I need. The Lord is wonderful! I will
write more later.

16 February 2007
Dear Journal,
A strange day this was. A hallway pass I was required to carry. A call from Human Resources
informed me of my confirmed status as a university employee. How we are indeed like dust in the
wind. Let every word of the Holy Scriptures illuminate the darkened minds of a reprobate people. Cold
hands, Jinelle, Marcellaall of it is very strange. The strangeness is primarily derived from the
intensity of the various social situations. Focus on the goal, serving Christ.
The stability of a romantic relationship is very much related to the compatibility of the
personalities in it. I have always thought about this, but only in a very, very superficial. Modesty,
humility, diligence, and patience are the characteristics that make a beautiful girl even more beautiful.
To ascertain these qualities, time must be invested into a friendship, which may or may not develop
into a romantic relationship. Also, I should look at the various parts of the Bible that cover this topic
and try to apply them to reality
(i.e. Proverbs 31).
7 March 2007
Dear Journal,
She is very pretty and amiable. I have completely forgotten her name, but I think it is Deborah.
Her eyes portray such depth and knowledge of the words of the Lord. Although it was very fleeting
because of my inability to quickly recognize who she was, I felt the warmth and care of her greeting at
church today like the last time we met at church. This can be how I introduce myself the next time I
meet her. Lord, I ask for your guidance and wisdom as I boldly step out into this new area of my life.
After reading this book on dating by Henry Cloud, I am so much more aware of how I always shortcircuited the process. I need to remember that I must not be passive nor must I become skittish, but I
must make an effort to spend more time getting to know her. May glory, honor, and praise be given to
the Lord God of heaven.
-Dating/ relationship habits
-self-conscious
-lack of integrating sexuality
-dont blame strict parents for my apparently reclusive behavior
-need to become independent of parents
-be more responsive and less afraid in talking and during social interaction
Discuss
Baptist Hospital
-threat
-What was going on there in general?
Roommates: social interaction
The laughter of Melinda Flores
The chatter of Kayla
Word: DRUNK, on dining hall workers aprons
YWISO cultural show 06!!!
Cult of death (bushido code, Spartan society)

Hyperlinking documents
Research experience
Open Internet self-surveillance
-personal e-mail
-minimize time spent on computer
-minimize time spent on news sites
-use news feeds and Google homepage
Fasting (possibly this summer)
-spiritual sacrifice to God
-placing mind and body into subjection to Christ
Stronger, faster, wiser
Obedience to mom and dad (willingly increase independence)
Playwright
-scrutiny
-It is written that we should live godly lives that we should be blameless before the ungodly (Book of
Titus).
28 March 2007
Dear Journal,
I am enjoying each day that the Lord has given me. After each church service, I plan to begin
typing any notes that I have taken. I believe this will tremendously help me grow in the Lord. I will
also periodically begin to review my entries in this journal. It will help me to focus my energies and
identify the key spiritual threats that I face. The main threat that I now face is in the realm of sexuality.
First, I must absolutely refrain from visiting nightclubs. Now this doesnt mean that I cant go to
school-sponsored parties, but I must minimize the number of times that I attend these. I must pay
attention to the girls that I interact with on a consistent basis. From among them, I may notice one who
is genuinely interested in me. I need to overlook her initial cliquish behavior. Dont worry too much
about her friends and the others around me. If it truly is a mutual attraction, the other figures in the
picture will slowly fade away leaving only her and me. In the meantime, I must work on improving my
fitness physically and spiritually. I must focus on God, immersing myself in his words and truth. I need
to begin discussing some of the topics that I jotted down earlier. May the name of the Lord be praised
forever and ever!
2 April 2007
Dear Journal,
I must actively strive towards a healthy, romantic relationship that isnt overburdened by the
weight of sexuality. Although I have never had a girlfriend, I have nonetheless tried to learn a great deal
about the dynamics of relationships from TV shows and watching others. My own experience with girls
has oftentimes become very sexually charged very quickly. Since I am not the best social person, this
usually places me in a very awkward position and I just try to separate myself from these girls and start
anew. I guess they are attracted to me, but I must search for a girl who wants a meaningful relationship.
I will feel comfortable around her, but not necessarily her friends. My interaction or lack thereof cant
be laid upon her shoulders.
I have also been thinking about how I will use what I have learned when I return to Yale
University. First, I must absolutely refrain from attending random campus parties during junior year,
except if a very nice girl implores to do so. I plan to attend the local Roman Catholic Church, but I
should check if YSC has transferred my liaison status with BCAY to another person. Also, I will take
Tae Kwon Do more seriously, which will be my common reason for not partying. I must set aside timeto

continue studying for the MCAT exam. I must always arise early in the morning for prayer and study. I
will exercise at least three times a week, using the designed schedule on my iPod, We must never forget
what happened this past year.
The time that I have worked at the University of Miami as a computer technician has taught me
so much of what it means to be an ambassador. Arian acts as if he knows, but such is the price of
deception. It will last only a little bit longer. I am from another school, but very few at this school know
this or care about this. I represent the students of Yale to UM. I am an ambassador for Christ to this
world.
After much observation, it does appear that girls at UM seem to be prettier than those at Yale,
but I think the information is somewhat skewed by one factorclothing. Enough said!! I dont think I
need to despair. That is the reason why I plan to stay away from dancing and partying. Both are so
superficial and artificial like clothing is. There isnt any substantial social interaction. This is what
initially drew me into these activities. Furthermore, both can sometimes cause unintended emotional
hurt to others. I think this is what may have happened between Justine and me. I have to let it go. All of
this is the reason why clubs are just not the place for me. First of all, the action flat out just isnt good.
Bro, this is the key thing that I need to remember. I keep thinking that the next time will be better and I
will get my moneys worth. I end up unfulfilled on both accounts. I need to actually read more books
on dating and relationships. I might be able to figure it out by the time Im in one. Even when I am in a
marriage, I should set aside special dates with my wife to show her my thanks and appreciation.
Oh, this reminds me. I pray that our family will be re-connected spiritually and socially. This is
something that my mom has urged me to pray for, but at least I know that it is far from a feeling that
she is approaching a divorce. That feeling troubled me the first year I went to college. I hope to use this
eJournal to shape my life and to watch how it is shaped.
12 April 2007
Dear Journal,
This phase in my life is coming to a close. I have learned so much about myself and have
radically re-shaped my outlook on life. Operation Titan Shield is almost complete. I must maintain a
low profile at the computer job. I must remember the lessons that I have been taught. Study, learn all
you can, and above all fear the Lord your God for this is beginning of all knowledge. Until next time.
19 April 2007
Dear Journal,
I must learn to remember that life is divided into compartments and the memory that others
have of me is effectively clouded by this fact. I must set to rest the challenges and pressures that caused
me to fall apart socially. I must avoid whatever is necessary to boldly move forward. At the conclusion
of Operation Titan Shield, we will transition into Operation Conqueror. This new operation will adapt
to the circumstances of life, but it will not depart from my path. Blessed be the name of the Lion of the
tribe of Judah. In the name of the Lord God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, I move, breathe, and have
my being. I must carefully fashion my response to those who will wonder where I have been. The
immediate cause of my departure must be presented as a somewhat high fever, which occurred at a
critical time in the semester forcing me to withdraw. Lord, I pray that few people will ask me about my
whereabouts. Please protect me, guide me, and lead me into your sacred promises for my life.
Remember what you have learned and read this past year. Day by day I must be transformed into the
very likeness of Christ. Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Tae Kwon Do and exercise- self-discipline of the body

Reading the Scriptures and prayer: self-discipline of the spirit

Synthesis of the former two: self-discipline of the mind
Know who your friends are! Know who your acquaintances are! If a situation is becoming
socially too difficult for you (you know what can cause this), move away from it. Avoid those situations
to begin with. Dedicate each day to the Lord early in the morning and end it with a prayer to the Lord.
Pray during the day, too, but do not forget these two prayers. This way I will not forget from whence
my strength comes. Blessed be the holy name of the one true God. Amen and amen!!!
20 April 2007
Dear Journal,
Blessed be the name of the Lord God Almighty! There are times when the social quirks that I
have are focused upon in such a fashion that the entire situation becomes highly awkward. It would
have been acceptable in this case, since I am actually hiding something, but this same charged case has
surfaced before and I am put on the social defensive. It seems to occur when I attempt to interact with
garrulous individuals. This seems to happen precisely because these select people are too talkative in a
caustic fashion. I am evasive at times because I do not enjoy speech that is in vain. I have been of this
persuasion since I was in middle school. Nevertheless, I have discovered individuals with whom I can
speak for hours upon hours and never feel awkward. Blessed are the words of the Book of Proverbs. A
wise man speaks infrequently, but listens often. Nevertheless, we must learn more and more to speak
with a tongue that is aware of the social atmosphere. Submit your heart to the Lord and He shall guide
your lips.
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord,
my God. The Spirit of the living God shall quicken your mortal body, emboldening you as a righteous
servant of a holy God. There is no other truth, except Jesus. There is no other way, except Jesus.
Blessed be the name of the Lord! I must learn from others that which fits within the framework of the
truth of God and discard the worthless.
I must read more on the former topic concerning my social habits from a variety sources. For
very good reasons, the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates said, Know thyself. O Lord, search me
and move within the deepest chambers of my heart. Expose my flaws and weaknesses. And in your
strength shall I then live. Lord, show myself to me. Shape me into Your likeness and into the person
You would like me to be. May others see this change in me and desire it for themselves. A life of joy, a
life of self-discipline, a life of focus, a life of determination, a life of prayer above all. From you, O
Lord, I have derived my breath. As a spiritual sacrifice, do I now return to You. Blessed be the name of
the Lord forever!! Amen!
29 April 2007
Dear Journal,
I will have to put all of my preparation, learning, and discipline about relationships with girls
into practice for the first time. I called her on my birthday and she responded gladly the next day. It was
the first time I had stepped outside out of my comfort zone into Valeries arms. Although I dont expect
this weekends lunch to be more than a meeting of two high school friends (acquaintance?), she does
appear to be interested in me. In a strange way, I would like our attraction to be a little bit more, if only
for a little while. Nevertheless, does it have to be necessarily a romantic encounter? I must remember
to always allow the other person to fully complete any statement that they have initiated. I have a bad
tendency of cutting others off when I feel that they have communicated their thought and are simply
uttering superfluous words. Regardless of her romantic intentions or lack thereof, I will treat her with

the utmost respect and care. Also, I will not treat the honor and care that she has extended towards me
for granted. She is a precious gift that has been directed ever closer to you. Above all else, I must learn
from my experience with her in its totality. Fate, attraction, and urgency have maneuvered her closer to
me.
While driving to work last week, I was thinking about my interactions with Valerie. I compared
these to the interactions that I have had with other girls and something startling, yet saddening, came to
light. It seems that I didnt respect and care for some of the girls who extended themselves towards me.
For example, Krystals and Jameelahs reactions towards me highlight how girls have responded to my
callous stoicism. Justine and Nicole are two other girls who were absolutely troubled by my
callousness. I have been expressing such stolid behavior to protect myself, but I will no longer do this.
Knowing that God will protect my innermost heart and defend me, I will express myself totally, yet
progressively, to others, especially girls who are drawn to me. I will share my life with them and show
them respect and care. I pray that Valerie will feel this care and touch of my heart. I will spend my time
with her and these other girls, but I need to avoid parties as much as possible.
6 May 2007
Dear Journal,
OPERATION CONQUEROR has commenced. I must remain focused. I must live life to the
fullest to the glory of God. I need to avoid protracted phone conversations and to avoid interrupting
others when they are speaking to me. As I continue to develop the various aspects of my personality, I
will begin to design a fast. The first two days when I arrive in New Haven I will partially fast, eating
only vegetables and fruits and drinking only water and juice. I will also begin reviewing the points for
Christian Living, a document that I wrote when I was a bit younger. I need to seriously consider
backing up my entire hard drive via imaging. I must remember the words of my dad and the importance
he has placed on education and enjoying life as well.
19 May 2007
Dear Journal,
I went on my first casual date on May 10. It was so much fun. Valerie is such a wonderful and
exciting person. I never thought our friendship would have blossomed so quickly. I definitely have to
read a great deal more about dating. We are planning to meet again in August. I am trying to think
about a few places to schedule our next date. I am sleepy right now. I will write more tomorrow or
sometime soon.
27 May 2007
Dear Journal,
As things are turning out, I wont be able to meet with Valerie in August. I will be staying in
New Haven until December (I might be able to come during Thanksgiving). From everything I have
seen in her eyes and words, I am confident she will understand. I will simply see where our friendship
goes. She is a cute girl. She is a believer in the one true God and focused on her studies. Whatever
comes of this, I pray that God will bring us closer. I pray that He will guide us in our relationship. Lord,
I pray that You will shape me into the man of God whose image and likeness is becoming like that of
Christ and whose mind is becoming like that of Christ. Valerieshe is the first girl to whom I am
willing to reveal myself with my weaknesses and my strengths. There is no one like unto our God! I
will reveal myself slowly to her. She will learn of the depth of my love and care in Christ. She will
learn of my purity and my self-restraint. I must be aware of her feelings, her desires, and her wishes. I
will have to be very careful of my sensitivity and empathy. I will have to use these to care for her and
to love her, but I must not allow them to cloud the clarity and the logic of my mind. Now I also must be

careful. I think she might still have a boyfriend. I cant remember if she mentioned this when I first met
her on UMs campus. I must be careful, but I will continue to pursue her. I need to loosen up and relax.
I was actually relaxed during my first date. This was even after I had gone to the wrong
restaurant. We talked and talked and talked! She and I actually locked eyes a few times, which was so
unexpected that it was beautifully unsettling! I had actually never done that with a girl before. At the
close of the date, the cutest thing happened when I placed my arms around her shoulders as we
walkedshe rested her head and part of her upper body on my side! I completely didnt expect this. As
we said goodbye, she stood on her toes to hug me (she may have wanted to kiss me, but she is also
several inches shorter than me).
21 June 2007
Dear Journal,
It has been nearly a month since I have written in this journal. By the grace and power of the
Most High, I have returned to my studies, rising to the potential that God has bestowed upon me. Each
day I remember the deep words of the Divine and look for His hand in my life. Lauren, is she a
possible girlfriend? I dont know. I really dont know. Valerie seems to be a better match for me, but I
pray that God will choose the virtuous woman for me. Today became a little exhausting, but everything
was ok. Lauren actually invited me to a dinner party for her birthday. Her temperament and demeanor
are somewhat similar to those of Lily. I dont know if that is a good sign or a bad one!??!!! I will see
how it goes. I dont know if I should get her a gift or not. Ill see how everything turns out.
27 July 2007
Dear Journal,
It has been quite some time since I last wrote in this journal. My life has developed very well.
Glory and honor be to the living God. So I somewhat asked Lauren out yesterdayactually asked her
out to lunch. This is a very first for me. She was actually more than happy about it. She even blushed
it was very cute to see her enjoyment . She is a pretty girl although she might be too frenetic to be
compatible with me. I also e-mailed Valerie last week. I might have to call her, but we will wait a little
bit more. I have begun training for Tae Kwon Do. I have begun working in a neuroscience lab. The
Lord truly has been good. Blessed be His name forever. I have finished all of my return interviews. All
is well. I am in good health. I had a somewhat open, casual talk about girls among Christian friends
yesterday. It was interesting. I must bow down before the Lord everyday with devotion and submission.
I must renew my mind in the Lord. Who truly is like unto our God? There is no one. No is good, except
the Holy One. Until the next time.
3 August 2007
Dear Journal,
I must learn to deal with other people more effectively. I am slowly learning to do this, but I
need to be more willing to speak my mind with grace and respect. I have much to learn about myself. O
Lord, keep me beneath your wings. Shine through me in all that I do. When I should fall, your grace
and truth will uplift me. Today I saw Marisa while she met Tino. That relationship may continue to
blossom. You must believe in the power of God at all times. Never doubt His power and His grace. We
have waited a year. We now wait a few weeks. Must I always take the words of others so harshly? Does
Valerie like me? I think that Lauren did for a time, but then I had a runny nose towards the end of
Summer Session 2. I hope that this doesnt happen when I am with Valerie. She is so sweet and nice! I
hope that our relationship will grow, but I dont know if I am the man of God that she will want. O
Lord, what is wrong with me? Why do I make so many mistakes, Lord? What about Tunisia? She is a
very pretty girl and a very good friend. Lauren is a good friend, too. Lauren actually went shopping

with me. Although she can be caustic sometimes, she is a very cool girl. So it seems that Sam wont be
taking classes this semester. I keep him in my prayers. Swing dancing??? I have heard of this before,
but what is it exactly? Why did he leave his music on? Ok, let me bury myself in work, wrap-up this
summer session, and pray for the goodness of God everyday. I guess mine is a simple heart that is
thrust into a complex social world. Should I have called Valerie during the summer? Did she expect me
to call her? I e-mailed her, but that might not have been enough. Or might actually have been too much.
I got TB tested today. Valerie is a very dear friend, too. She told me many things that some people
would have considered as very sensitive. I know right now I am basically rambling, but I wonder how
much sense all of this is going to make in the fall. Remember how far you must travel before you stand
before your Maker. Remember how much you must change. Remember how much you must become
like Him. It is fitting that I should now have reached the 21st page. Each page can stand for a year in my
life that I had had to review in brutal detail day after day this past year; subsequent pages should not
represent years of my life. As we look forward, remember where you have come from. Remember what
the Lord saved you from. Remember the sacred words of Scripture and the voice of God. Remember
always to think of the Lords grace. Does Valerie like me? Are we going to plan to meet each other
again? Oh, man, I am so afraid, but I am also so excited to see her again. School is very long, but with
God I will make it through.
12 August 2007
Dear Journal,
I am so excited to see Valerie again! I think I might just call her and see if we can meet on
Wednesday. I am currently cleaning my music playlists. Some of the songs are no longer acceptable.
21 August 2007
Dear Journal,
By the grace of God, I have returned to New Haven. I wait for my formal return to Yale. My life
has been radically changed in many fundamental ways. I wasnt able to meet with Valerie. I wonder if
she was just playing me. I dont know about putting up my facebook profile. Each day is gift from God
and must be treated as such. Thank you for your everlasting blessings, O Lord. Amen.
1 September 2007
Dear Journal,
I have returned to school with a vision and a focus that is centered on the Divine One. Blessed
be His name. May His name ever be praised! My single life is great. I need to finish moving my things
out of their boxes. Lord, may I continue to rise early in the morning to give praise to you.
24 November 2007
Dear Jounral,
Blessed is the name of the Lord! Glorious are His ways. My Lord and my God, I am Your
servant, Your worshipper. All things flow from Him and in Him do they have their being. I have had a
wonderful return to school. Ive eaten dinner with Arlene a few times, but she appears somewhat
strange; I guess as we all are. After much prayerful consideration, I have decided to continue focusing
on medical school, but I may seek a full scholarship from the Navy. God, watch over my plans. Keep
me strong in mind, spirit, and body. May You always be glorified!
22 December 2007
Dear Jounral,
The semester has ended. I still have a long way to grow in my walk with the Lord. The lust of
the flesha very troublesome sin in this age of instant gratification. It is something from which young

men must flee with all of their hearts, minds, and bodiesevery portion of their being. Hopefully, my
grades will improve when the corrections are completed. It is almost as if when adversity strikes and
disappointments befall me I become my weakest. When stresses mount, my defenses seem to just
disappear. May the peace of the Lord Jesus Christ reign in my heart. I have fallen over and over, but I
rise back again to serve the Lord. What is that I am to continue pursuing in my life? I feel that the
practice of medicine is what the Lord is calling me to study. Blessed is the name of the Lord! Holy,
holy, holy are You. From everlasting to everlasting You have always been and shall always be. I keep
thinking about a girlfriend, but let the will of the Lord be done. Remake me in Your image, O Lord. For
Your glory, for Your honor! Teach me Your statutes, show me Your law.
26 February 2008
Dear Journal,
Blessed is the Most High God! Master of heaven and earth. Lord of all. May glory and honor
and praise be given to You. I am grateful that you have given me the strength to continue. O Lord, I
thank You for everything in my life.
27 March 2008
Dear Journal,
I apparently cant sleep tonight. Maybe too much to do, too much to think about, too much to
pray for. I am weak, I am in need of Gods awesome power. Everyday I stand in awe of what the Lord
has done. I often find it difficult to use my time effectively during breaks. This is a very big problem.
The interfaith dinner discussion went very well. I hope that the Lord moves powerfully, using us His
humble servants to touch the hearts of Muslims.
4 April 2008
Dear Journal,
The love of the Lord knows no bounds. You know my heart, Lord. You know I want to do right,
but I am so weak. Today I struggled to get through my various tasks. Why do I feel triggers? I need to
be aware of my surroundings and my reactions to them. I need to visit the park up Science Hill more
often. It will be my way of unwinding and indulging in inner reflection. I dont think I was designed for
this world. I am weak in the wrong areas of my character. I am overly anxious in interactions with other
human beings. There is no other who is like El Shaddai, Master of the universe. Blessed is the Holy
One of Israel! What will I do when history ends? Kneel before the Lord, for worship and adoration are
our sacrifices in the form of mind, body, and spirit. One Christ will reign over an empire, an empire
that will stretch from Jerusalem across the entire planet. Every nation and tongue shall be subjects of
the one true God, King of kings. Oh, how I long for that day! On that day, my frail constitution shall be
changed into an incorruptible form. Until that day, I must continue to live out my days, knowing that
my heart and mind are being transformed into the very likeness of Christ.
22 August 2008
Dear Journal,
Lust of the flesh. A weakness? Hmmm I need to rise each day with a radical, dynamic fervor
in my spiritual life. American media doesnt help one preserve ones purity of mind and spirit. It is
written, Flee from youthful lust. I must actively flee from youthful eroticism that pushes sexuality
towards unrighteousness. The flesh must be hardened, disciplined, and focused. Through this body, the
Spirit of Christ will shine. I will sanctify this temple of the living God.
2 October 2008
Dear Journal,

Now it seems I have landed upon a most troubling and disturbing aspect of my personality. A
theory of mind deficit, information-processing overload of social contexts? It is somewhat frightening
to think of this, but it does explain certain behavioral patterns, traits, and responses that I have often
exhibited. It is strange in a way, but I think this is something that we must learn to ameliorate until it
has vanished. Very strange that something so simple can lead to such profound consequences. In light
of this fact, we must strive to live a life of integrity, both in the inner man and the outer manifestations
of my faith. It must be independent of others, but responsive to them nonetheless. In other words, I
should be more and more empatheticsense the pain and longings of those around and respond to
these. This must flow from a life of abundance; hence, it asks for nothing in return. The life of a
Christian man of God.
4 October 2008
Dear Journal,
I fell down again. I keep falling flat on my face. Oh, I have thought of something that I can do
in addition to working out: going to the art and science museums. It is a way to keep my mind active
and vibrant. It appears that my Internet connectivity has been adjusted. ;) I must learn to act with
increasing levels of self-control. O Lord, I am your servant. O Lord, preserve my life according to your
promises. A sound mind has the Lord given me. A quiet life must I live.
5 October 2008
Dear Journal,
Slipped up again, but this time I got scared and tried to use lust as assertion. Disgusting! I
remembered my dream from last night: it was about Lily (yeah, I know) and a brief conversation we
had. She was wearing pink. We talked for a little bit on a sidewalk. It was sort of dark, since it seems
that the sun had already set. I will see what I dream tonight. I must fight pornography (call it for what it
is). It is only this way that I can fight with a clear mind. Schizophrenia isnt good. Acting schizophrenic
in your life, a break between the inner and the outer can be disastrous. Read the Book of James, the
first chapter. The line on the page is the line in the sand.
It is almost two years to the day, since I have started writing in this journal. I have overcome
many things, but I still struggle with other things. Where will I be in another two years?
6 October 2008
Dear Journal,
Change has arrived. The fight begins. Fight until death or the end of time.
7 October 2008
Dear Journal,
Focus, determination, holiness, righteousness, empathy, love, care, and honor.
21 December 2008
Dear Journal,
Today was a wonderful day unto my Lord and Savior. A very bright and clear sky, clear air, and
beautiful creatures. I also read a few passages from the Bible and another book, Transformed
Temperaments. I also reviewed some verses in MacSword, which has been very helpful. I also give
thanks to the Lord for giving me help and patience during my travels in the past few days. The Lord of
glory above all creation is to be praised for His goodness, His wisdom, and His holiness. In His light,
truth, love, and knowledge I will live all my days. I will continually search His word and seek His

wisdom.
I have a few things that I need to begin to organize today. I will look over my agenda to see
various lists and compile one list of important items to be addressed.
29 January 2009
Dear Journal,
It is apparent that something strange or unexpected has been transpiring. I have taken sometime
to think about everything and will continue to do so. May the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ continue to
speak to my mind, to strengthen my body, to embolden and empower my soul, and to renew my spirit. I
will continue to rest, breathe, and move in Him and through Him. I will be studying a fair amount to
develop an even firmer foundation in the Lord.
31 January 2009
Dear Journal,
It has become further apparent that my situation has begun to stabilize, but even more so than
before. I do not fear death and do not fear what life may throw at me. I will continue to pray to God for
strength and good health in mind, body, spirit, and soul that I may live a good, wholesome, and godly
life, which is acceptable to Him. I mustnt allow my temporary circumstances to cause my absolute
confidence in the sovereignty of God in my life to waver.
I will try to write short journal entries very frequently and when possible to write more in-depth
as a summary of the state of my life at that time. Undoubtedly, I will leave many things out. Yet as time
progresses the powerful work of God in my life will become ever clearer. (Also, my typing skills will
improve, too.) _--_
1 February 2009
Dear Journal,
Here I am again working on putting things together as quickly, coherently, and wisely as
possible in order to avoid another drastic episode. This is in spite of my belief that there are those at the
school who are working diligently for the recurrence of such an episode. I will begin to develop an
even firmer foundation in the Lord by fasting and prayer, which will give me the strength to fight
against the host that may be arrayed against me. I will stand firm in the promises and assurances of the
Lord Jesus Christ.
2 February 2009
Dear Journal,
I have begun reading the Book of Job. It is a very insightful and powerful book with many
important ideas. I also went to the local Wal-Mart and Walgreens with my brother. Apparently, there are
certain customs that will help the next trip to these two convenience stores be less awkwardif
awkward is the correct word. I have started to think about writing a book, but I need to develop it.
3 February 2009
Dear Journal,
With some thinking and discussions, I have decided that I will begin working on poems and
honing my skills in this area of writing. I have also begun to notice the very real importance of living a
life of constant prayer and absolute devotion to God. It helps to organize reality. I have begun to put my
finances and schoolwork together and in order. There are still a few loose ends, but everything with

Gods help is being organized. Prayer has become absolutely important for my life. At times, I dont
even know what in the world is going on in my life and the lives of those around, but with God nothing
is impossible. I pray for strength of mind, body, and spirit until the Day of Christs return. Having a
firm, yet flexible schedule, has become very important to my life, since it serves as a template to order
and establish my life. Into that schedule, I will fit the other earthly affairs of this world into a schedule
that is focused on heaven. I will begin to review some of my earlier entries and my personal
development plan to identify specific areas in which I can grow and to chart points that I can walk into
the other parts of my plan for my self-development.
8 February 2009
Dear Journal,
I recently bought a watch that has the very basic aspects of most modern watches (i.e.
chronograph, timer, date, etc.). At first glance, it is a very simple watch, but then it occurred to me in
simplicity there can also exist complexity.
Written notes
Typed portion
Life in this world is important, but its value must always be overshadowed by eternity in Christ.
For in ten thousand years what will this Earth be? It is written,
The kingdoms of this world have become
the kingdom of our God and of His Christ.
I continue to strive in this world, because each day could be my last as is the case for any mortal man.
Yet I strive, live, grow, and breathe for the glory of God. One day I must stand before Christ in His
eternal Temple, a temple not fashioned by the hands of men. Oh, how I long for that day when the cares
of this world do not have to be given a single moment of thought. Until that time, I must work
diligently for the cause of Jesus Christ, bringing those who are now lost into the knowledge and trust of
their Savior, Jesus Christ. My school work is important, but building myself up spiritually, testing
myself spiritually, and strengthening myself physically are of even greater importance.
Beloved, I pray that you may prosper
in all things and be in health,
just as your soul prospers
-III John. 1:2
Each day I must find time to study the Bible and review past journal entries (although the latter is less
important).
Thoughts on My Life: A Christian Perspective
14 But Peter, standing up with the eleven, raised his voice and said to them, Men of Judea and all
who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and heed my words.
15 For these are no drunk, as you suppose, since it is only the third hour of the day.
16 But this is what was spoken by the prophet Joel:
17 And it shall come to pass in the last days, says God,
That I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,

Your young men shall see visions,

Your old men shall dream dreams.
In the 21st century the Spirit of the Lord Jesus Christ still moves and empowers the servants of the
living God.
Dreams
-War
-Famine
-This is not a setup
-Rick Blackwood
-2012
-Multiverse theory
--Slavery
-Christianity
-Human races
-Darker peoples
-Genetic admixture
-Salvation
-Acts 17:23
18 February 2009
Dear Journal,
Ok, so it seems that I must educate myself thoroughly about the symptoms of the schizophrenic
spectrum. Then I will be better equipped. Is it possible that the mind can be opened for the world to
see? Is it possible that human thoughts can be communicated?
6 March 2008
Dear Journal,
OPERATION JANUS
-Avoid lust, pornography, and masturbation
-Avoid unnecessary long-term relationships and agreements
-Review OPERATION CONQUEROR
-Be wary of romantic relationships
-OPERATION DELTA SHIELD (Time zero: January 15, 2012)
2 April 2009
Dear Journal,
I must write some thoughts that have troubled me, which when truly considered shouldnt be
the case. Firstly, my plan of attending Yale College followed by my matriculation Harvard Medical
School as a medical student may not be possible. I use the word may because I still think it may be
possible, but I must work relentlessly and tirelessly. If I cant enter Harvard Medical School as a
medical student, then I will strive to enter Harvard Medical School for my medical residency training.
Hopefully, I will be able to go to Yale for medical school I have been vexed by the thought that other
people would never have asked me why I chose Harvard over Yale if I had gone to Harvard College. I
once thought that this was a regrettable decision, but then I began to see this as a portion of Gods plan
in my life. The first lesson is a lesson in humility. The next lesson has begun: a lesson of dedication of
my life to medicine and science through holiness in Christ. This dedication will propel me and inspire
me through medical school. Therefore, I have now written down what has been troubling me, but now I

must work towards the future through prayer and faith, understanding that I cant change the past and
that I have only the present moment. Be at peace with yourself. Be at peace with your decisions. I will
begin to meditate and pray more often and more diligently. I will fight for Christ. I will dedicate my life
to Christ.
6 May 2009
Dear Journal,
I have entered into a new phase of my life. A previous entry appears to have been accidentally
deleted. In that entry, I described my wonderful revelation of my understanding of Christ Jesus as my
Lord and King as well as my Savior. I have heard of these titles for Christ before, but only understood
them in their honorific sense. I have begun to move in a new mode of my life where I understand the
significance of the meanings of these offices of Christ for my life. In other words, as much as He is my
Savior He is also my Lord and Master. He has saved me unto good works. Therefore, not to fight to
live a holier life than I had lived each day before is unbecoming of my life as a Christian. To this end, I
have begun to pray more, read the Bible more, and read more good Christian books. I have also begun
to fast along with prayer, seeing that there is great power in this act of humility before God. This new
perspective has given me renewed vigor in my strength and fight against the lusts of the flesh. I have
begun my work towards a healthier body by exercising and eating less, while still eating wholesome
foods.
7 May 2009
Dear Journal,
I have fallen to the sin of masturbation again after having avoided it for two days during which I
had fasted (water fast, the first day and a juice fast, the second). I developed a very bad headache,
which I still have today. The headache was part of the reason why I succumbed, believing that it would
give me a boost of relief. This didnt really happen, but there is a quick moment of release. What was
most shocking today was the nearly all-consuming, irresistible urge to look at one of the images that I
had looked at before. It was the most thrilling feeling, but frighteningly so. Let me explain. I resisted
the temptation this morning and during the afternoon, but one YouTube video kept re-appearing in my
mind with such force that I barely could find the strength to fight, but we are assured in the Book of
James that each man will be provided a way out of every temptation. I pray, O Lord, as I have done
before that the lustful power of these images and eventually the images themselves may be removed
from my mind. What I have learned in this article, Sex and Health, is truly humbling. It is not a
Christian article; it is more of a health document. It was illuminating about it is the link that it proposes
between masturbation and absentmindedness (consider King Nebuchadnezzar) via increased levels of
dopamine. O Lord, how fearfully and wonderfully you have made me, fashioning me in my mothers
womb and guiding my growth from my earliest years. Now this is what has frightened me: I may have
caused my own psychotic episode by masturbating so often, some months even daily, triggering an
underlying susceptibility to such episodes.
The Enemy is truly heinous. The flesh is truly weak. O Lord, my Great Defender and Protector,
help me.
Have mercy upon me, O Lord!
What I have begun to understand is that the headaches may be related to heightened prolactin
levels. In other words, it does seem that the sin of masturbation is in fact a disgusting addiction that has
biological, psychological, physiological, and spiritual aspects. In a way, I have tried to resist by the
sheer force of my will, but after today I have seen that this wont be enough. Even as I write this now, I
feel tempted to masturbate. The trap that I keep falling for is this: I will look at a sexually stimulating

video on YouTube without masturbating. What a deception! I have stopped looking at pornography
through the use of BlueCoat Web filter, which has been very effective. I designed a very random admin
password and mailed it to my college PO Box, thereby eliminating a huge gateway. Through a sense of
disgust, I stopped looking at pornography on my Google phone, but I still struggle with looking at
sexually stimulating videos.
I am now fighting for my very sanity and psychological well-being as well as spiritual health. O
how the stakes have become much higher. I now begin to see how my weakness may become my
strength. I will need to be serious about this fight. Dont look back. Your research in faith and science
must propel you forwards.
8 May 2009
Dear Journal,
I have read many articles on how destructive masturbation can be on ones ability to form
meaningful relationships. I understand the risks and now will strive to stop masturbating for one week
through prayer and Bible reading. After one week has passed, I will try to make it to one month. As
time goes on, this determination will help to forge me into the leader that God wants me to be. I plan to
stop looking at YouTube videos for 3 months.
Possible reasons for masturbating:
1) potential stress relief
2) potential relief from headaches
3) sleep aid
4) excitement
5) experiencing the high feeling
6) feeling in control or dominant
7) thinking if I am about to shower
its ok (weird?!)

Locations:
-Bedroom
-Bed

Risky times:
-Early morning
-Nighttime

Trouble areas:
-YouTube
25 May 2009

Dear Journal,
By the grace of God, I am living in victory over two important lusts of flesh and of the eyes that
had particularly troubled me. Two dreams (or visions to be more precise since I was for the most part
awake) seemed to have been particularly helpful in vividly warning me of the very real dangers of
these two lusts and their associated sins. As part of my growing knowledge of spiritual warfare, these
sins seem to detract from ones ability to obey the Greatest Commandment as well as the first
commandment of the Ten. As I read the Book of Jeremiah, I began to understand Gods level of wrath
against any form or extent of disobedience of these two commandments, bringing destruction on the
Northern Kingdom of Israel and the nation of Judah when they repeatedly turned to other gods. O
LORD God Almighty, purify my soul, my heart, my mind, and my body. There is no other god but the
God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The one, true Living God of Israel will I worship all the days of my
life. Blessed be the name of the LORD.
30 June 2009
Dear Journal,
Solomon wrote, Remember now thy Creator in the days of thy youth, while the evil days come
not, nor the years draw nigh, when thou shalt say, I have no pleasure in them; While the sun, or the
light, or the moon, or the clouds return after the rain (Ecc. 12:1-2). In order to honor and seek the
Lord in the days of my youth, I have decided to compress Phase 1 to only 10 months instead of 10

years without compromising my spiritual growth. To this end, I have decided to aggressively attack the
weakest area in my life: the lusts of the flesh and the eyes. If the Devil is a roaring lion that is prowling
to see whom he may devour, then I will be like David and fight ferociously against him in full battle
attire. I will use the technologies and computer software of this world to build defensive perimeters. I
will take decisive action to temporarily cut myself off from technologies (i.e. GPhone) that have
become serious stumbling stones in this area. If need be, I will permanently cut myself from these
sources, according to the Lords will. I will fast and pray when I fall repeatedly in a short period of
time. I will control my eyes and what they look at in public. I simply will refuse to look at a woman
who is wearing inappropriate clothing that incites the lusts of the flesh. As with Job, I have decided to
make a covenant with my eyes. I think this may be what Yeshua was aiming at when He commanded us
to pluck out our eyes if they caused us to lust. At times, my eyes seem to have a mind of their own. To a
certain extent, this is actually true via peripheral vision and visual field scanning. Both of these are
somewhat subconscious processes that are important for survival, but with our fallen nature these
natural features readily bring into conscious view many women who are wearing clothing that elicit the
lusts of the flesh. Peter warned, Beloved, I beg as you sojourners and pilgrims abstain from fleshly
lusts that war against the soul (1 Pet. 2:11). This is one aspect of that war. When one begins to
become aware of the vast hosts that are arrayed against him in the physical and spiritual realms, he may
feel overwhelmed, but with Christ all things are possible. The most important mindset is to fight for
holiness through humility, for that was the mind of Christ. It is also important to understand that failure
and surrender are not options, regardless of how terrible things may appear in this life, for the final
victory is in Jesus Christ, the Commander of the Armies of the Lord, the Lord of lords, the King of
kings, the Author and Finisher of my faith.
12 July 2009
Dear Journal,
I am now resorting to very aggressive tactics to combat the presence of lust in my private life. I
plan to enhance the web filter installed on the computer, design a complex system to prevent easy
access to the filters temporary passwords, and limit access to the G1 phone. I have discovered that it is
easier to resist a secondary temptation than a primary one. In light of this, I plan to make the retrieval
system for the temporary password sufficiently complex that it will deter me from tearing it down.
Furthermore, I plan to disallow the G1 phone in my bedroom wherever I may be there, since it is easier
to do this than to not look at lustful images on the phone. To this end, I plan to use my PO Box as a
place to hold the phone safely. After discovering that this system is very effective, I became lazy and
within a few days succumbed to the lusts of the flesh and of the eyes. I am becoming more able to resist
these, but I am still woefully weak. It seems I have regressed in some sense, but I think it was because
the core of my character still needs to be properly developed.

16 July 2009
Dear Journal,
I have currently seen the need to re-analyze my refusal to not engage large groups. If I am
aware of the composition of the group beforehand and I know someone in the group is attracted to me,
then I ought to seriously consider engaging the group. This seemed to have worked well in the case of
Lauren Wiznia, even though I spoke to her only a little bit during the group interaction. I have decided
to amend the policy because of recent events in my current class. I think Monika Adamcyzk is attracted
to me. But I do not see anything developing there, I see that she may be an access point into the
dynamics of the group. This will prevent the isolation that I have occasionally felt at CA social
gatherings, some dance clubs, and some parties. It will be important to see if this amendment is useful

here and in other situations.

24 July 2009
Dear Journal,
Despite the fact that I felt and still feel somewhat saddened about having to leave the group
yesterday, I think it was a successful limited use of the amended engagement policy. One frightening
thing that I became aware late yesterday and even early this morning is my very negative, guilt-ridden,
and fearful attitude about life. This played a part in virtually destroying my mind two times already. I
refuse to let it be part of my life. Another is my sexuality along with its relation to my private and
public aspects of my life. Until I can fully extinguish the embers of sinful lust that remain in my private
life, I would like to keep the aspects separate.
---------An analysis of yesterdays key events. Waking up early and taking a walk in the cool morning
air is spiritually and physically invigorating, which was the case yesterday morning. Upon arriving to
the train station, I was greeted by two of my fellow students. After a brief conversation, I went to get a
cup of coffee and donuts. Although I had asked for glazed donuts, the cashier gave me plain ones. I
didnt care. After a few more conversations, I took my seat in the train. About thirty minutes into the
train ride to NY, things began to get a little awkward. Unfortunately, I sat in a seat that had another
facing it and someone tried to sit in that other seat. After moving to the side and into the window seat, I
made a point to avoid doing that in the future. After a few events and meetings at the UN, my first
mistake seemed to have been to ask for a picture with Ambassador Ibrahim Gambari, because the
professor shortly afterwards informed the class that a visit to the ambassadors office had been
canceled. Within minutes, I began to feel guilty, but I noticed it and forcefully re-assured myself that I
wasnt the cause of the cancellation. I felt that I had been setup to ask for the picture by other students
in the class over a period of at least one week. I also was afraid that I was the cause of the slight
changes in the UN tours. Once again, I re-assured myself that I wasnt before and after a short
conversation with a few other students. After the visit to the UN, everything became very uncertain. I
decided to follow a group to Time Square, which in retrospect I probably should not have done, but I
dont think it was an entirely wrong decision. What should have been abundantly clear was that the rain
should have cut short my visit to NY. In this sense, I think my decision to follow the group was wrong.
Nonetheless, this is what I did. After meandering a bit around the streets of NY, we unexpectedly end
up back at Grand Central. Oh, Lord, I pray that you will help me, but the most negative and angry
thoughts began to rage across my mind. I thought that this pointless wandering was designed by those
who had set me up in order to get my suit overly wet. I felt annoyed and angered at a low level.
One thing that I noticed was the development of complex dynamics within the group. At times,
I felt isolated precisely because I wasnt in direct control. I must destroy this way of thinking. As a
member of a group, I dont always have to be in control. I simply have to continue to engage the group
with my thoughts, even if it is infrequently. That is why I think Johnathan and me connected to one
another, because we dont speak frequently in groups. Yet when we do speak the words are very
thoughtful. Since we didnt have a specific plan besides visiting Time Square, we stayed in Grand
Central and began to discuss what to do. I didnt want to get lost in NY, because of what happened in
NY. Noticing that I was blocking the groups decision and mentioning the rain as the reason why I was
hesitant to leave Grand Central, I unilaterally decided to return to New Haven. Yuefue supported my
decision by mentioning that I lived far away, but even without that I would have left. It felt somewhat
peculiar to sit there and watch the girls from the class talk to one another. Yet when they began insisting
on visiting the Museum of Sex, I knew I had to leave. I pointed out that the Ripleys museum was
closer as a way to deflect attention from the other place, but I would not enter a situation like that. It
was too similar to the December party of my sophomore, which turned out badly in some ways by

short-circuiting my relationship with several girls with whom I was speaking. I couldnt control myself
at that party and knew that something similar might happen at the Museum of Sex, so I left. The sin in
my private life is partly to blame for this quality of my public life. On my way out, one of the girls said,
Goodbye. I came back to New Haven and had a good nights sleep. Why cant I unilaterally stop the
sin in my private life? Although it feels good for a time, I want to experience pleasure in obedience to
God. To re-connect to the group, I will ask one of them what they decided to do. I need to finish my
paper for class now.
10 August 2009
Dear Journal,
I thank the Lord for his goodness and grace in helping me through both of my courses this
summer. I am still struggling with the lusts of the fleshparticularly the lust of the eyes. I have devised
a complex plan to block the most egregious forms of this lust. Yet I still struggle with illicit YouTube
videos. Locking the G1 phone in my mailbox is one effective, although drastic, weapon against this. I
have thought of placing the phone inside my Bible with the hope that I will be given a momentary
advantage in my moments of weakness. My struggle with this sin has left me with a certain compassion
for those who commit violent, sinful acts. For if it is true that one who has transgressed the Law in one
point has done so in all points, then I am woefully miserable! Have mercy upon me, O Lord! O, how
much I must depend upon the grace of the Lord. Constantly I think that the limited extent of my evil
inclinations is entirely a work of the Lord. There eventual elimination will be a result of His grace, His
work, and His power. I have tried to crush my sins with sheer willpower and determination of mind, but
I havent been successful. How troubling it must be for those who struggle against sins that are socially
deplorable and actually punished harshly by society! It is one thing to be looked down upon by those
who you want to respect you, but it is entirely different to be punished, even executed, for ones moral
failings and sins. As an afterthought, this is related to the immediate consequences of sins, which differ,
but all sin, if not stopped, leads to death when it is full-grown. As with biological organisms, some sins
may actually grow faster than others and must be appropriately stopped by society. Nonetheless, God is
merciful, compassionate, and gracious that while we are still despicably sinful He is willing to join
Himself to the Christian by His Holy Spirit. (I should read my own journal entries when I get a
chance.) It is our desire to serve Him, to set our minds on Him, to depend on His grace, and to direct
our hearts towards Him that must lead us closer to Him.
13 August 2009
Dear Journal,
I recently have been thinking about a few conversations that I had with Sarah Xie, a fellow
student in Yale BioSTEP 2008. One of the questions she had posed dealt with the possibility of
salvation for mentally ill individuals. Since the mental capacity of some of these individuals will never
exceed that of very young children or is severely impaired in actual processes of thinking, then she
implied by the question that these individuals can not be expected to make a decision unto salvation in
this lifetime. My reply then was that God could still supernaturally reveal Himself to their mindsto
those in this group who are among the elect. Long after the conversation, two additional thoughts have
shed more light on this issue. The first is that mentally handicapped individuals do not pose a difficulty
only to Christianity. Every major world religion will necessarily find this issue difficult. Rather in the
person of Christ Jesus and through possible dreams and visions the entirety of the Gospel message can
potentially be explained in a way that is intelligible to these individuals. Although many may consider
this answer as dodging the real issue at hand, the example of Paul and his radical vision of Jesus Christ
Himself suggests otherwise. The other thought is one of thankful gratitude with the understanding of
the greater demands that my Lord and King Christ Jesus expects me to fulfill. For if one considers the
greatest of all the commandments, Jesus declares that we must love the Lord our God with all our
being, including all our minds. As I continue to read the Bible more regularly, even daily, I have begun

to see the importance of diligent study and mental effort in truly progressing in the Christian life.
Prayer and other religious activities are no less important. Rather I have begun to bring up the other
activities of the mind and biblical academic study to that same level. My sincere prayer to You, O Lord,
is that You will continue to bless me with a sound mind. My act of devotion will be to return my body,
my mind, my heart, my soul, my spiritmy whole beingas a sacrifice to You, my God. LORD God
of Israel, You are my God, You are a consuming fire, You are holy. Fill me and empower me with Your
Holy Spirit. Hear my cry, O Lord! Rescue me, King Jesus! Attend unto my earnest prayer, Lord!
Strengthen me, Lord, to walk in Your Power.
22 August 2009
Dear Journal,
As I walked to the library this morning, I began to think about yesterday and my failure in a
weak area of my Christian life: my occasional inclination to masturbate while viewing illicit, nonpornographic videos on YouTube on my G1 Google Phone. By using a complex system of web
software filters, I have been able through the grace of God to block pornographic and overly sexual
websites on my computer. In a way, the phone has become the last frontier. With that said, I have
noticed that I no longer have a desire to simply sit and watch highly sexual (or even pornographic)
videos without masturbating to it. This has been the case, since the summer of my freshman year in
college when I first tried to masturbate. Since then, I have always linked the two together. Whereas
viewing pornography and sexual videos had been the seemingly uncontrollable problem, now it is my
inclination to masturbate. In order to stop this, I have tried to block access to any material that I could
use as a visual cue while masturbating. This has worked with limited success. Although I have done
this to a certain extent before, I have decided to more critically look at the problem of masturbation
itself.
My first observation is this: the visual material, in my case, is necessary to prevent cognitive
dissonance that would arise in my perception of the act as a same-sex act. It is not a [] act in the true
sense of that concept, but the fear is there, which was produced by material that I read about
masturbation that considered it in a technical sense. (As I am writing this, I notice my own hesitancy.)
What I have noticed is this: there are certain sins that do not represent a real obstacle to me in my walk
with Jesus Christ. For example, [], [], and [] are not sins that I would constantly struggle with, but I still
pray for God to purify my entire being and heart, which includes any small aspect in me that could
grow and cause these to be real trouble areas in my life, even in the remotest sense. (This writing is so
unstructured; it is very different from academic writing.) What I have tried to do is to understand how
my faith in God operates in these areas of my life and to transfer that understanding to this weak area of
sexual lust. As can be seen, my attempt to block all access to pornographic and highly sexual videos is
aimed at acting on my perception of the act as a same-sex act without these visual stimuli. More
specifically, I began masturbating while viewing pornographic and highly sexual visual stimuli;
therefore, it can be said that my mind has associated the two with one another to such an extent that
they have become inextricably linked. Having only achieved limited success in this mode of attack, I
have begun to examine alternate approaches.
One is to try to convince myself that the act is inherently a same-sex act, regardless of what is in
the environment (To a certain extent, I exclude the marriage bed; I will have to think about this more
and will have the time to do so, but this aspect of the behavior with a willing wife may be different.).
This has not been very persuasive. In light of this, I began to do something yesterday: self-talk.
Essentially, I talk to myself very forcefully and directly challenge my sinful, lustful thought patterns in
the moments of sexual temptation. The moment I stopped is when I fell into my sinful habit, but this
fall is markedly different from previous ones. The depth of the perverse nature of my own heart became

very apparent. I had just been listening to Christian music and had talked to myself for several minutes
about not doing this sin, but then I slowly put down my weapons and felt like an ox going to the
slaughter (this is how I actually felt). Yes, there was a little excitement and anticipation in the act, but it
was devoid of true joy, which can only be found in Christ Jesus. A true godly woman will always point
a godly man towards God, even with her body and sexuality. It is not that sex is a sacred act, but it is an
act that should be done in holiness and honor. In the context of marriage, sex between a husband and
wife becomes a never-ending mutual revelation of the depths of each of their souls.
The realization that I came to this morning was this: the actual intensity of the sexual temptation
diminished, reducing the associated level of excitement. Even in marriage, ones sexuality needs to be
controlled, because my future wife may not always want to have sex when I want. Although I doubt it
(with the beginnings of a smile forming as I write this), the reverse may on that rare occasion be true,
too. Nonetheless, only in marriage can ones sexuality be revealed and allowed to soar to unimaginable
heights. Before this, it must be targeted and regulated down to a low roar. This is a metaphorical
reference to the fluctuations in my own testosterone levels. Unlike some of the advice on some
Christian websites, I dont merely experience a sexual thought that I could just challenge and defeat
with a Bible verse. This is not to diminish the importance of Scripture memorization as this is an
important way to transform the way my mind works. On the other hand, my mind and thought patterns
seem to enter a neutral state where I am almost focused on satisfying a sexual craving. Of course, I can
suppress this craving during times of extensive academic work, but it is there and simply grows. During
vacation times like right now, this state is almost impossible to get out of. Every woman seems to be
sending overt sexual cues. (Note: As I am writing this and reflecting on it, I noticed how similar this is
to how I felt when I was mindlessly doing things. Everything and everyone seemed to be directed at
me, which is why I need to be aware when I enter this state and fight it. The two states may be related.)
Although I didnt describe it as such earlier, the sight of scantly clad women, which American society
encourages, is a key trigger, even if it is just an image. At first, I usually wont notice the effect, but if
my mind perceives the sight itself sufficiently erotic and it isnt challenged I soon enter a mental state
where almost every thought is sexual in nature. Verses become very difficult to remember, but I have to
review these to combat this effect. I think a rise (may be even a decline) in testosterone levels may
cause this state, which may produce an inclination to masturbate. In other words, I think testosterone
and the intensity of the sexual temptation are related. In fact, I have noticed similar effects when I lose
(or win) a game several times. After each loss (or win), I develop a strong desire to masturbate. After
quick research, I was able to discover that seeing inappropriately dressed women and competitive
events do affect testosterone levels. Then the fight becomes one of preparing for the weakness that I
experience during this state, how to outlast this state when I enter it, and how to avoid it altogether. The
various spiritual disciplines and avoiding triggers (or being aware and taking precautions by vigilant
metacognition) help in achieving the first and last approaches. For the middle approach, direct, careful,
and substantial self-talk, doing exercise, taking a cold shower, and listening to Christian music may be
helpful in that order. As I begin to do these activities, my body will have an opportunity to adjust
testosterone levels to normal (or slightly higher than normal).
During the self-talk, I need to recite verses either from memory or by reading a Bible aloud,
verbally consider the costs and benefits of the act, compare the benefits of the act to the everlasting
benefits of a life to devoted to God, and begin to verbally command myself to take the next appropriate
actions like going to the gym or going for a run. Even while running, I need to begin verbally planning
my next course of actions when I return home. I describe the state as a neutral one, because the actual
clarity of my own thoughts diminishes. My own thoughts become almost completely crowded out by
sinful, lustful thoughts. (During my state of mindlessness, I experienced something very similar
[remember the guy with the red hat].) When I saw the red hat at that time, I thought it was a signal to

me to encourage me to ignore my mind and its aberrant thought patterns and to simply act. What I have
often tried to do in the past is to fight negative and sinful thoughts with only positive and good
thoughts. Without diminishing the importance of this, I think that speaking those positive thoughts
doubly reinforces them in my mind as I hear them aloud. As I begin to reach a conclusion to this
journal entry, I begin to understand why Jesus was so serious about not looking at a woman to lust after
her and equating that action with adultery. The actual physiological effect of even a little lust is so
powerful that it can quickly dominate ones thought patterns. In that state, how can one obey the
greatest commandment, which exhorts one to love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind, body, and
strength? It is very hard to do that when every thought that comes into your head seems to be focused
on sexual things.
23 August 2009
Dear Journal,
After yesterdays journal entry, it may seem that I have needlessly been torturing my mind. In
reality, I have recently been treating each act of masturbation that leads to the emission of semen as the
cause of temporary ritual uncleanness. This is in fact how the Bible describes it. And so I have simply
been taking a shower after each act, praying for cleanliness in a spiritual and ritual sense, striving not to
do it again, and waiting until sundown. In other words, I have been trying to focus on the true sin of
lust. Yesterdays entry was a convoluted way of saying how I think the two have become linked in my
mind. In a way, treating the act itself as merely the source of ritual uncleanness has virtually eliminated
the sense of psychological shame and guilt about the behavior itself. Rather this entry will focus on the
second part of Christs warning against lust: destroy any and all means to fulfill it. It is personally
important to notice how he focused on the eyes and hands. This is important for me in order that I may
avoid the tragic error of Origen who resorted to self-castration. In actuality, the root of lust lies in the
mind and the five senses with sight and touch being the primary senses. Also, I have noticed how
closely linked lust is actually to other sins in my life, namely pride and the lack of resolute faith (or
weak faith). As a Christian, I have read about pride and how utterly dangerous it is. I have walked in
the assurance that I have learnt the lessons that the mistakes of others have provided me with, but I am
slowly discovering a very disturbing reality about my own mindset. One article I read about fighting
against lust highlighted the importance of carefully identifying and dealing with other sins in your life,
even as you deal with the sin of lust. I knew about this, but hadnt really examined my life to look for
these other weak areas. (This is an extreme sidenote, but one thing that makes not thinking about sex
very hard is a constant, low-level, and very subtle tingling sensation throughout my private area. This
has made it very difficult to not think sexually. It has been happening for almost 8 months every single
day. Some days I am able to ignore it, but other days it rattles my calm demeanor to the point where I
am not sure what to do.) Now as for the other weak areas I have started to identify these, but it is tricky
to determine how to effectively defeat these. This is primarily because they are not the canonical forms
of those sins. As far as I can understand at this point, they seem to be perverse mutations within my
godly qualities. This is one aspect of the disturbing reality of my own mindset. The other is how I have
said that I want to follow the Lord with all of my heart and really believe that I am doing this, but then I
detect duplicity, very real and blatant duplicity. To burn away these impurities in me, I have been
studying and praying very diligently and earnestly. Even as I write this now, I am beginning to see how
this is and will be a lifelong process of self-examination. In other words, complacency is the greatest
threat. I have often thought that everything will be alright if I can just get lust under control, but this is
not the case.
For example, competition and games seems to evoke a powerful need to dominate, going
beyond the simple desire to win. For me, this is very difficult to identify as pride, since Paul even urges
Christians to treat the godly life itself as a competitive race where one strives to be first. It might even

be the case that I am identifying a phantom, but I have noticed that whenever I lose a game of Hearts or
Spades to the Google phones computer I get this weird feeling and the inclination to masturbate gets
tied into. The whole thing is so convoluted that I am beginning to see how depraved I am, completely
forgetting about generalities (as I almost wrote one to protect myself by hiding behind it). It seems that
something good given to me by God has been perverted by my sinful and lustful habits. The drive to
prosper in the Lord becomes something else that is related, but actually directs one away from God. (I
have begun to discover that writing my thoughts down helps to sort out the mess, which is my psyche,
as I seek to surrender it all to the power of Christ Jesus.) Given that they are free programs that I can
re-download later, I think I will just uninstall the Hearts and Spades games for now. I know this will
probably not solve anything whatsoever, but I now really need to go read the Bible and pray because I
know who can really help me out: Yeshua. Take me as I am, Lord. Change me for Your courts on high.
Use me on this earth for Your glory. Purify me, refine me!
2 September 2009
Dear Journal,
Classes have started today. I have found that I need to depend on Christ and His strength so
much more. I have been doing better in fighting the lusts of the flesh, but today I fell again. I dont
want to fall any more, which is why I have been diligently searching for a web filter to block specific
websites on the phone. Until I find one, I have discovered another way to fight this temptation: simply
holding the Bible in my hand during times of weakness. It seems simple, but it has been very effective.
One way to reinforce this is to verbally command myself to pickup the Bible. I will try to be more
aware of how my private life is tied to my public life through the concept of integrity.
4 September 2009
Dear Journal,
As I have related in my dream journal, I know that God is working in a powerful way to break
the power of lust in my life. With dreams and visceral reactions, He is changing how I react to lust. I
have already described the frightening dream, which seemed to be a warning against indulging the lusts
of the flesh. This morning as I was walking in Branfords basement I saw a girl wearing a mini short (I
dont know who she was). Within seconds, I felt a vomiting sensation build up in my chest. I have no
idea what exactly caused it, but I think the girls clothing somehow caused it. I actually had to run to
the bathroom to cough a few times, expelling mucuous from my throat. I dont know what it all means,
but I have begun to closely examine my life rather than trying to judge others and their standards. I
think Christ is powerfully transforming my heart and mind as I have given Him more and more of my
life. Since this past summer, I have been able to read a passage from the Bible every day (maybe
missing only one day). The modular Bible study plan that I have designed has been very helpful in
shaping my spiritual discipline and focus.
I have been reading over some of my earlier journal entries. It is interesting to reflect on my
earlier thoughts and past positions in life to see how God has been working in me. I have also noticed
that I talked a lot about girls in the previous entries. I havent spoken with most of those girls in the
past few months, but I have started speaking to one new girl in particular and few others in general.
The special girl is Iman Sakkaf. I think she may like me, but have no real information about her
background. We might be compatible for one another, since she seems to be a very empathic person.
Despite this, I am not sure if she is a Christian. Although we are attracted to one another, I dont think
we will have enough time to develop a relationship. The reason why I think she is attracted to me is
because I think she created several situations to cross paths with me in one of Branfords entryways.
She also helped me get back into my room when I had locked myself out early one morning during the
fall 2008 semester. Over the summer, I talked casually and flirtatiously with Heather Liu and Monika

Adamcyzk. I think both girls liked me, but since they were friends that complicated things a little bit. I
have also been talking with Christine Bui. She is a Christian girl with a very strong faith, but I am not
too sure about her. Right now I am focused on Iman (she is a very pretty girl!).
OPERATION JANUS
OPERATION DELTA SHIELD (Time zero: January 15, 2012)
25 October 2009
Dear Journal,
I am on vacation again: this time I was required by Yale to withdraw from classes. For me, I
know that I was being attacked with some kind of frequency technology and electrical field system that
was designed to affect my brain and body. Both were distributed throughout the inside of the walls of
dorm. I frankly dont care about what was actually going on. My aim is to graduate and continue with
my education in medical school. By Gods strength and His will, I know that this will be possible.
OPERATION JANUS has ended.
OPERATION CONQUEROR will phase out as expected. During the phase out, I will then enter a
developmental stage that will create the foundation for the rest of my life. I plan to entitle that time as
the Formation of the Tender Warrior. The main aspect will be a heightened awareness of psychospiritual warfare and how to effectively win. War is real, but as it is mentioned in Ephesians I wrestle
not against flesh and blood but against evil spiritual principalities in high places.
22 November 2009
Dear Journal,
OPERATION CONQUEROR
Formation of the Tender Warrior
-Stop looking at YouTube videos for three months (Start date: Nov. 27, 2009, End date: Feb. 25, 2009)
I have in some sense accepted what has transpired in my life as part of a broader spiritual attack
against me. Of course, there are very real psychological disturbances that occurred, but I think nature of
the dreams and visions was independent of those disturbances. For now, I am trying to put the pieces of
my life together in a way that will ensure lasting success. One persistent stumbling block is my struggle
with the lusts of the flesh and of the eyes. I have decided that I wont look at any YouTube video for
three months. I have also elevated the level of my fight against lust to the level of my thoughts. It has
always been at that level to some extent, but now I plan to record any shortcoming at that level on
Google calendar. I have also found that as I have filled my days with Bible study and prayer I have had
less time and fewer opportunities to indulge the lusts of the flesh and of the eyes. I have continued to
broaden my Bible studies to include readings from a commentary and a Biblical encyclopedia. I have
also continued to study my psychological condition, but I am still shocked by its stealthy approach and
devastating ramifications for my life and the plans for my future. Whatever this condition may actually
be I am confident that by Gods grace and power I will be able to overcome it and to FIGHT. Through
this condition, I have begun to cleanup the mess that had been life and to order it according to the
discipline of the Lord. The flesh is weak indeed, but the spirit is willing. By the grace of God, I will be
able to walk in the joy and inheritance of the Lord Jesus Christ.
8 December 2008
Dear Journal,
I have decided to write an account about the past two weeks. I have begun to explore in
particular the causes of my relapses into manic-depressive episodes and my relapses into lust. With

regard to the former, it seems that psychosocial and academic stress and disruptions to my sleep
schedule are the primary causes. The latter seems to be a symptom of a poor Bible study schedule.
Recently, I have come to recognize that the two are related in that manic-depressive episodes can at
times increase ones sexual drive. In light of this, I have become slightly more leniently upon myself
while still not accepting anything less than complete freedom from lust. In a completely impulsive act,
I deleted the BlueCoat software, because I was afraid that someone or the company itself had access to
the data in the software.
9 December 2009
Dear Journal,
Although I decided it many years ago, I now think that it may have been my decision to come to
Yale instead of Harvard, which caused my mental breakdowns, because as I took harder and harder
science classes I also worked harder and harder hoping to make the top grades to eventually go to
Harvard. I came to this realization late last night. As it turns out and as I mentioned in an earlier entry, I
am not sure if I will be able to make it into Harvard Medical School. Because of the sensitivity of this
information, I can never reveal this connection to anyone. I am beginning why my dad sometimes
doesnt admit to making a mistake after he has made what seems to be a terrible blunder. In my case,
this possible mistake about college could have had a tragic ending after it caused my mental
breakdowns.
At the time of decision, I didnt think my intellectual capacities had reached their limits. I
thought all fields of knowledge were completely accessible to me. Also, I didnt think my parents
would mention the idea of attending Harvard after I graduate from Yale or that other family members
would do the same. Strangers upon hearing that I attend Yale seek to immediately compare it to
Harvard. Some of my initial reasons for choosing Yale over Harvard turned out to be based on
inaccurate knowledge. As my science grades continued to require all of my efforts, I was forced to
realize that each of these remarks and statements was a devastating blow to my self-esteem and sense
of personal intelligence, even when I refused to take it as such. The subtle toll began in high school, but
then I was completely convinced that I was making the right decision. Almost five years later, I am not
so sure. Currently, I have been obsessed with trying to find a way into Harvard again, feeling that I had
suffered a catastrophic defeat based on deception. I will now list these ways: 1) medical school, 2)
medical residency, 3) summer public health courses, 4) summer global health courses, 5) summer
school, 6) one of two fellowships in bioethics, 7) public health school, and 8) MS in healthcare
management, 9) school of business, 10) employment. Of these, I think that 5, 2, 6 in decreasing order
of possibility are truly possible.
It is important that I silence those around me who continually mention this potential error in
decision-making as it does seem to lead to my turning to pornography, lust, and illicit images and
videos. One of the strongest desires that God has put in memy sexual desireis destabilized by
repeated attacks on my intelligence. Because of my desire to always be at the top, I could and should
have never accepted second best, if that what Yale is. I have written before in order to make peace with
my decision, because if I am not careful I might die before doing this. My predicament of having to
take medication for an illness that I do not see and can not feel may be a tragic punishment for my past
that has been filled with pornography and lust. Although it is not entirely the case, lust may have been
part of the reason why I selected Yale instead Harvard, which is once again a form of deception. I will
now list in as much detail as possible what influenced my decision against Harvard and for Yale.
Yale

Harvard

For
Accepted into
Perspectives on
Science program

Comparison to
reality
Didnt stay in this
lab all four years

For
Ranked number one
(didnt know this at
decision time)

No classes to study
for around
Christmas time
(emphasis placed on
family time)
Belief science
program was larger

Ought to have
compared this time
to spring break

Encouraged by
friends and teachers
to attend

NIH funding is
smaller than
Harvards

Debate competition

Belief that Lele

would attend this
school with me
(envisioned having
sex with her)
Received Yale Book
Award

Didnt attend Yale

Call from Caribbean

student

Early guarantee of
acceptance

Mom mentioned
going here

Birthday letter

Call from
Biomedical
Engineering lab PI
(Mark Saltzman)
Prospective
acceptance

Didnt stay in this

lab

Mr. Beverly
mentioned that I
would actually have
to get into Yale to
see if receiving Yale
Book Award meant
anything
Father mentioned

-Didnt mean I had

to attend
-Should have
discussed decision
with him

Actual early
acceptance

-Should have

Mentioned very
frequently in books,
the TV, and other
forms of media
Brother used it as a
login name for his
Collegeboard
account
Brother watches
Lou Dobbs who
graduated from
Harvard

Comparison to
reality
-According to US
News College
ranking (gulf
between one and two
is very large)
Actually wanted the
best for me

-Early view of the

school
-Should have
returned again to see
the school
-Didnt sound very
enthusiastic, but
didnt receive a
similar call from Yale
-Should have
recognized that my
moms advice is
more important than
my dads
Widely recognized
stature

going here and then recognized the

Harvard
subtle argument
Bulldogs Day dance
party at African
American Cultural
Center
Belief that I would
Lost the ability to
be able to act on
do this after I joined
sexual lust more
on-campus Christian
openly since I knew organizations and
less students going
became more wellhere
known
Belief that classes
Not empirically true
were less difficult
than those at
Harvard
Fighting the crowd
False battle
of high school
friends and teachers
Excellent interview
(very enthusiastic
and positive
interviewer)
In 2004, it was
harder to get into
Yale than Harvard
Suggestion by
Irrelevant in some
Howard Scott
ways
Attended meeting
Wishful thinking
with Lele
(envisioned myself
walking with her)
Against
Comparison to
reality
Ranked number two -According to US
(didnt know this at News College
decision time)
Ranking
-Occasional focus
on comparisons
Belief that size of
Very important
Haitian-American
community not that
important
Yale sounds like
Thought I didnt
jail when
care about this (it is
pronounced by
actually very hurtful
some Spanish
although I know

Classes during
Christmas time

Against
Comparison to
reality
Not that different
from spring break,
since campus
remains open

Belief that science

departments were
smaller than Yales

NIH funding is
actually higher for
Harvard than Yale

Belief that large

Haitian-American
community
wouldnt be good

The opposite turns

out to be true

people

they dont mean it)

Elena was attending
and feared that I
might fall into
sexual activity with
her.
Very arrogant
interviewer (we
could fill Harvard
with
valedictorians)

Probably would have

never run into her;
might have even
been able to marry
her
Left a very bad
impression on me
about the school

As time goes on, I will add whatever is necessary to this decision matrix in order to fully understand
why I chose one school over the other and if in the end it was truly the right decision for me (without
thinking about what other people think or say). I will list ways on how to avoid such deception in the
future if indeed choosing Yale over Harvard was indeed caused by deception. After creating this
decision matrix after the fact, I think the most effective way to avoid a similar mistake is to produce
one for every major category that is part of any major decision that I will take in the future. I will begin
working on these for each medical school that I plan to apply to in June 2010. With all things
considered, I think that I did make the right decision, but I have to check if I would have been able to
return to classes given what has happened to me at Yale. I will investigate this.
------After some quick investigation, it seems that I in the end made the right decision in light of what has
happened to me at Yale. It seems that Harvard would not have allowed my readmission after two times
away from classes (or it would have been very difficult to return). By the grace of God, Yale will
readmit me for the second time and I will graduate. In this instance, I think that I have made the best
decision, even though others every once in a while raise the issue from ulterior motives. I may at times
hang my head in despair and at other times walk with my head held high, but I will always remember
the goodness of my God, my Savior.
14 December 2009
Dear Journal,
My mother in a recent conversation at around 8:30pm raised the issue of attending Harvard
instead of Yale to receive a PhD. It seems that this pushing and prodding will never end. It has
become increasingly necessary for me to consider a plan to go to Harvard, especially since I broke
down in front of her about it once. In other words, it will be act to appease the internal masses (as I
might refer to it). The people in my family and amongst my friends and strangers who have become so
obsessed with dropping Harvard into a conversation in which the other persons knows I have
attended Yale. For the sake of continuing this lifelong war, I will only go to Harvard if it is in triumph
(legitimate, meaningful acceptance into a program at Harvard). In other words, this would somewhat
disqualify summer school at Harvard, since it would not be meaningful with respect to my
undergraduate record since I would have already graduated, but it would still be something that I would
actively consider. In the meantime, I will fight the sly remarks with intelligent, subtle counter-remarks.
For this little war will become the underlying matrix of the more important war that I am fighting
against the evil one and against my own flesh and its desires. Every remark in this direction will be a
reminder of the war; others may ignore it but I fight for eternity and everything that it means. Upon
acceptance into a program there, the war will be the same, but at a heightened level, since I will

become aware of the mass delusion that everyone everywhere is experiencing. The sons of light war
against the sons of darkness, but the victory has been guaranteed to the sons of light.
28 December 2009
Dear Journal,
My mom again raised the issue of why I chose Yale instead of Harvard. Finally, I have a solid
answer: I would have flunked several of my classes if what happened to me at Yale occurred at
Harvard. This level of foresight could only have been through the blessings and guidance of the Most
High. It is wonderful how important the details of various decisions become important later in life.
Another detail is the relationship between masturbation and mindlessness. Whatever the link is I must
completely stop the former. For the first time in my life I am beginning to see the hand of the Most
High working in my life. Something wonderful and strange is actually happening, but only time will
reveal the full extent of what might be happening. Until next time
Operation Titan Shield
OPERATION CONQUEROR
Scan previous documents that I have written on this topic (some may be in Orlando)
Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded,
that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to
come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God,
which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-Romans 8: 37-39
Development phase began 1/7/07
Key War Points
Armor of God
-Shield
Lifestyle and Personality
Daily Quick Points
-Rise early in the morning
-Pray without ceasing
OPERATION JANUS
OPERATION DELTA SHIELD (Time zero: January 15, 2012)
Dreams
-War
-Famine
-This is not a setup
-Rick Blackwood
-2012
-Multiverse theory
--Slavery
-Christianity
-Human races

-Darker peoples
-Genetic admixture
-Salvation
-Acts 17:23
-Dating/ relationship habits
-self-conscious
-lack of integrating sexuality
-dont blame strict parents for my apparently reclusive behavior
-need to become independent of parents
-be more responsive and less afraid in talking and during social interaction
Discuss
Baptist Hospital
-threat
-What was going on there in general?
Roommates: social interaction
The laughter of Melinda Flores
The chatter of Kayla
Word: DRUNK, on dining hall workers aprons
YWISO cultural show 06!!!
Cult of death (bushido code, Spartan society)
Hyperlinking documents
Research experience
Open Internet self-surveillance
-personal e-mail
-minimize time spent on computer
-minimize time spent on news sites
-use news feeds and Google homepage
Fasting (possibly this summer)
-spiritual sacrifice to God
-placing mind and body into subjection to Christ
Stronger, faster, wiser
Obedience to mom and dad (willingly increase independence)
Playwright
-scrutiny
-It is written that we should live godly lives that we should be blameless before the ungodly (Book of
Titus).

Purple Velvet Dream Journal

Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness,
idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions,
heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I
also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But
the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control.
Against such there is no law.
-Gal. 5:19-23

5/23/09
Dear Journal,
I plan to recount a dream that I had earlier this month. On May 4, 2009 as best as I can
remember, I dreamt that two individuals were attempting to invade the family house in Poinciana.
Somehow one of [the] two entered the house; he had a dark tan skin color. Upon entering the house, he
began to search for me and my brother at which point I attempted to escape from the front door. As I
proceeded out of the door, I noticed a fat, male individual of a white complexion approaching me from
my right after he had come around from that corner of the house. I then quickly re-entered the house
and confronted the tan-colored individual near the sofa that is located near the hallway entrance. I
slammed this individual against the wall and tied his hands with an Ethernet cord, which ends the
dream.
There are several other dreams and visions that I have had since December 2008 that I will over
time record with as much detail as possible.
8/6/09
Dear Journal,
I have finally had the time to sit down and record some of the dreams that I had in December
2008 as well as a few others since then. I begin with a very vivid one that I had in late December 2008.
The dream was dominated by a bluish hue. The words that appeared were of a light blue color and the
background was a strong blue color. I don't remember how the dream began exactly, but I do remember
that from its beginning the dream seemed to emerge from an imagination under an outside influence
my own imagination under a powerful force of control and direction. I remember consciously
struggling to separate my own perspective in my mind's eye from the rapid stream of bluish images and
bluish words that my mind was perceiving. As I tried to do this, I began to focus on a dot that appeared
in the lower left corner of the field of vision of my mind's eye. With my focus shakily on the point, I
continued to perceive the dream.
I remember my mind being directed to a house, but the view was blurry. I think it was supposed
to have been the house of one of my professors, but I had never seen this particular one. I don't
remember if it was before or after this image, but I also noticed the names of three of my classmates at
Yale as being part of the dream. These were Ann Chou, Gloria Lee, and Joshua Au. Also, I distinctly
recall a bright light of bluish hue shining across my inner field of vision. In some mysterious way, the
Light seemed to be associated with the Spirit of the Most High God, since very similar words were
written across the Light. I will continue tomorrow.
8/14/09
Dear Journal,
I haven't been as diligent as I wanted to be in recording my dreams. Before I return to the earlier
description, I will describe a dream I had this morning. I seem to remember that the scene began with
me being part of a group. From the dream, I get the sense that the scene actually began earlier, but I
can't recall this point. Also, I seem to detect, yet I am not certain, that the group was part of the Yale
BioSTEP core of students. The scene begins with the group looking for a hotel to stay for an unclear
period of time. It seems that I am uneasily going along with the group. After asking about available
rooms, the group begins to take seats in the lobby. As I am taking my seat, someone touches the right
pocket of my pants where my wallet is with his (her) hand and another with the sleeve of his/ her hand.

I quickly perceive it as the group trying to get me to waste my money. I immediately head out of the
hotel. On my way out, I noticed someone whom I perceived as David Lou, a high school classmate. We
talked for a little bit, blaming each other for the reason why he and I hadn't spent time together before
this moment. After this, I continue on my way out of the hotel.
Outside of the hotel, I notice a clear blue sky, but I quickly notice a very menacing tornado that
is gray (dark gray) and is forming right in front of me. My first reaction is to attempt to run away from
the tornado down a desolate street, but I am violently pulled back towards the tornado. I notice a house
(a light pink housemaybe the hotel) on my right. I try to run toward this house, but I soon feel that I
am being pulled into the tornado. This was my last impression of the dream before and immediately as
I awokea very frightening sensation.
8/15/09
Dear Journal,
Last night and early this morning I had another dream about a violent tornado. This time I was
with my (human) father in a room with a wall-sized window. Somehow I was able to remember that I
had had an earlier dream about a tornado and now felt guilty that I had warned my dad. Aside from
that, I began notice that we were in very real danger . The tornado had lifted many large objects into the
air, which from our distance appeared to be only points in the sky immediately next to the tornado. I
was able to recognize these points as large objects, because within a few seconds (or minutes) into this
scene a very large came crashing through the window. We were not killed nor injured by the impact,
but we began attempting an escape. The dream scene ends here.
Luckily, I began to do some quick Internet research on Omega-Point theorya very interesting
concept. I did have another dream, but it was merely a reflection of the sinful, lustful pollution that
contaminates my mind. By God's power, I will eradicate it. As I tried to recall that scene, I nearly fell
into its associated temptation. O Lord, purify my mind by Your power.
9/3/09
Dear Journal,
As usual and as was expected, I have not been regularly recording my dreams, but last night I
had a dream that still sends chills through my body each time I recall it. The dream scene began with a
zoomed in view of a fair-skinned face. As the scene progressed, large, red boils began to appear on the
smooth surface skin of the face. Soon countless boils covered the face. Then the face began to split
open until a white cobra emerged from the face. I can not even begin to fathom what a dream like this
really means.
Nonetheless, it makes me grateful for God's enduring mercies and His goodness. I thank Him
for blessing me with a handsome face and attractive form. I thank Him for not allowing the fibrous
epulis (that slightly extends onto my right incisor) to become large. I pray that He will make it vanish.
Lord, I pray that You will keep me from youthful lust. It seems that sometimes when I fall into lust and
sin I have these terribly frightening dreams. As I have done in one area of this weakness, I must heed
the clear warnings and stop indulging the lusts of the flesh, O Lord, preserve, protect, and defend me.
Lord, help me to never look to sin for comfort and pleasure. Lord, protect me from sickness, especially
colds, the flu, and the swine flu. Lord lead me in the way that I must go and help me to look to You for
comfort and pleasure.

As I walked to dinner, I realized that pornography and lust generate images that are just as
chilling as the one presented in the dream. This is particularly the case in how they dehumanize the
woman and her body.
11/23/09
Dear Journal,
I plan to record my dreams more carefully and to prayerfully investigate their meaning for my
life. I will now record several dreams that I have had in the past few months. This first scene is actually
a vision I had on September 25, 2009. I saw a rapidly moving point that was red orange in color located
in the middle courtyard at the fourth floor level. As I returned to my bed, I saw a red orange flash. The
next day I had a dream in which I saw a table with three individuals sitting at that table close to one
another. The table was circular. Two of the individuals were seated and one was standing in between
them. Each were at points closest to my perceived location in the scene One of the individuals seemed
to be a woman facing towards me.
Before both of these, I dreamed at some point during the summer of green rays of light
proceeding from the sun. These rays seemed to produce green overgrowth on several plants. I will
record a few more dreams I had recently tomorrow.
12/16/09
Dear Journal,
I have recently begun to use various psychoanalytic techniques to understand the basis of lust in
my mind and personality. This mainly entails recording my dreams and memories, which is then
followed by careful examination to identify and eliminate triggers for lust. I don't expect to find many
dreams and memories directly focused on lust, because some are purely spiritual and religious in
nature. Nonetheless, I will continue to explore in order to find any clues that I can, because there are
some dreams and memories with definite overtones of lust.
12/18/09
Dear Journal,
Early this morning I had a very sensual dream that seemed to arise from my lustful fantasies and
certain aspects of my everyday life. These aspects seem to be clothes and head covering that my mother
wears. I plan to focus on extensive Bible studies and prayer as a means of eradicating these types of
dreams. I will record several other dreams that I had in the past few weeks.
12/27/09
Dear Journal
Early this morning I dreamed of escaping from a psychiatric hospital where I had been
programmed to think of myself as a robot. After escaping, I followed a woman to lust after her. She was
wearing very tight black pants. To deal with this source of lust, I plan to bounce my eyes off of that
person who is wearing like this and onto something else less arousing. This woman in the dream
seemed to respond by slightly putting out her tongue.
I have a few other dreams that I need to record. These are from several weeks ago. In one of the
dreams, I saw a bright rainbow over a very tall white building. In another dream, I saw three alien

heads become one alien head. I also saw in another scene of that dream sequence a woman with her
head wrapped in pink cloth. She was leaning on a wall. In that same dream. I saw many different,
sexaully-charged scenes of women dancing seductively.
1/1/10
Dear Journal,
I had the strangest dream about the Yale College president. In the dream, I saw him using a
metal detector in a small area in front of a house. During this time, I felt as if he was encouraging me to
switch majors. I sense that this dream was longer and more detailed, but I can't remember the other
details.
1/2/10
Dear Journal,
I had a dream last night of being attacked by several cats as I tried to move forward. All the cats
were black.
3/7/10
Dear Journal,
I haven't recorded many of my recent dreams and visions. I plan to be more diligent about
writing them down. One vision that was particularly frightening included a diminutive pig with ugly
facial features. The pig was bipedal and walked through the apartment door to where I was sleeping
and proceeded to viciously attack my stomach area. It eventually left via the way it entered. Given what
happened this past Friday, I am beginning to see some of my dreams and visions as being the vivid
manifestations of powerful, underlying psychosexual forces. My groin area has been tingling a lot
recently, especially on Friday. On Friday, I felt strange sensations on my penis and felt highly sexual,
but for the most part I was in a kind of dream state. I have stopped masturbating and no longer look at
pornography. I don't know if this has now directed very strong sexual energies outwards from myself
into women around me unconsciously.
Some of the other rushing ideas of the past month seem to highlight a strange evolutionary
event that might be taking place in the human species. (I have had many other ideas and seen many
other dreams and visions that I have not had the chance to record.) More specifically, some of the ideas
seem to point to some form of bipolar disorder and/ or schizophrenia as being the identifying or unique
aspect of a more spiritual humanity. The ideas seem to have linked this to a spiritual project that was
begun by Neanderthals. On the Christian network, TBN, Carl Baugh has argued that Neanderthals were
in fact Homo sapiens. It is modern science that purports that modern man outsmarted Neanderthals,
leading to the latter's extinction. A recent archaeological find seems to suggest that Neanderthals had
well-developed artistic abilities. I discuss the past only to suggest that actual human evolution might be
much more subtle and surreptitious. This notion is slightly stronger than any differences that may or
may not exist across different races. In other words, a sub-speciation event might be happening with
modern humans completely unaware of it. The book Darwin's Radio seems to point to how such an
event might unfold, but the author disguises the description. I will need to read this book and Evolution
by Stephen Baxter much more carefully. In Darwin's Radio the husband (or boyfriend) of the main
female character who makes most of the discoveries about the emerging subspecies in the human
family is actually someone who suffered from severe depression and had some neurochemical
imbalances. The historical data is very intriguing.

Money and Faith

Money and wealth are an important part of everyones life. By these two, people are able to
acquire the necessities and luxuries of life. The Bible addresses the issue of money and wealth in
several verses and passages. It is written that thou shalt remember the LORD thy God: for it is he that
giveth thee power to get wealth, that he may establish his covenant which he sware unto thy fathers, as
it is this day.1 While this passage is definitely referring to the Mosaic covenant with the Israelites, it is
possible that one can also depend upon this passage through the other covenants that have been
established in the Bible. The other main covenants in the Bible are the Adamic, Noachian, Abrahamic,
Isaachian, Jacobian, and Davidic covenants, as well as the new covenant. For example, Paul in his
letter to the Galatians declares,
Now to Abraham and his seed were the promises made. He saith
not, And to seeds, as of many; but as of one, And to thy seed,
which is Christ. For ye are all the children of God by faith in
Christ Jesus. For as many of you as have been baptized into
Christ have put on Christ.2
Therefore, it is through Christ that we as Christians can access the promises concerning wealth that
were made to the people of Israel under the Mosaic covenant. It is through Christ that we as Gentiles
are grafted into the olive tree of Israel, thereby inheriting the promises that have been made to the
Israelites.3 Like Abraham who was very rich in cattle, in silver, and in gold,4 we have the assurance of
Gods promises to receive wealth and riches. Also, Jesus Christ was a financially successful rabbi. In
theology, covenant (or testament) is an agreement that brings about a relationship of commitment
between God and his people. The Jewish faith rests upon the biblical covenants made with Abraham,
Moses, and David. In Christian theology, the Old Covenant is the covenant between God and Israel in
the Old Testament and the New Covenant is the covenant between God and the followers of Jesus
Christ5. Although the Bible would seem to present a highly complex message on money, wealth, and
prosperity, these covenants provide a framework for understanding this intricate message.
Wealth should be gathered only with Gods purposes in mind; God doesnt take pleasure in
waste and mismanagement. The prophet Jeremiah warns, I the LORD search the heart, I try the reins,
even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings.6 The prophet
Jeremiah further warns that he that getteth riches, and not by right, shall leave them in the midst of his
days, and at his end shall be a fool.7 In other words, we should seek wealth and riches with right
intentions and we should be good stewards of the resources God gives us to manage. As an example,
Solomon warns that one should weary not thyself to be rich..., for riches certainly make themselves
wings, like an eagle that flieth toward heaven.8 Again, Solomon describes, He that hasteth to be rich
hath an evil eye, and considereth not that poverty shall come upon him.9 Solomon would be inclined
to write verses like these, because his own immense wealth was a great blessing from Adonai:
And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and
thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9

Deuteronomy 8:18 King James Version

Galatians 3:16, 3:26-27 KJV
Romans 11:13, 11:17 KJV
Genesis 13:2 KJV
Def. covenant. Oxford American Dictionary
Jeremiah 17:10 KJV
Jeremiah 17:11 KJV
Proverbs 23:4-5 Jewish Publication Society
Proverbs 28:22 KJV

enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom
and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people,
over whom I have made thee king: Wisdom and knowledge is
granted unto thee; and I will give thee riches, and wealth, and
honour, such as none of the kings have had that have been before
thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like.10
Because God promises that His word that goeth forth out of [His] mouthshall not return unto [Him]
void, but it shall accomplish that which [He] pleases, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto [He] sent
it,11 King Solomon indeed surpassed all the kings of the earth in riches and wisdom.12 Nonetheless,
Solomon cautions that the sleep of a labouring man is sweetbut the abundance of the rich will not
suffer him to sleep.13 Paul carefully states in 1 Timothy that the love of money is the root of all evil,
which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with
many sorrows.14 James issued a similar warning against riches when he declared that rich men would
weep and howl for your miseries that shall come upon you.15 This pronouncement is primarily
because these rich men have mistreated their workers, while they themselves enjoy their life on earth.
The Scriptures state, Behold, the hire of the labourers who have reaped down your fields, whichkept
back by fraud, crieth and the cries of them which have reaped are entered into the ears of the Lord of
sabaoth.16 God hears the cries of those who labor diligently, but are not treated with respect, dignity,
and competent care by their employers. As can be seen, one shouldnt be focused on acquiring wealth,
but one should focus on what one will do with wealth if God blesses one with it.
In the Book of Matthew, Jesus gave a clear warning to His disciples when he said, Verily I say
unto you, That a rich man shall hardly enter into the kingdom of heaven. And again I say unto you, It is
easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of
God.17 In other words, it is very difficult for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. This
statement doesnt seem to deal with those who after being in the kingdom of God by placing it first in
their lives become rich18 and it doesnt say that being rich is evil. In fact, the Bible states that the angels
continually declare, Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and
strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.19
Because he had great possessions, the rich, young man to whom Jesus had been speaking didnt
want to go and sell [what he had], and give to the poor [in order to] have treasure in heaven and [go]
and follow [Jesus].20 What a great loss! Jesus disciples were shocked by what had happened and what
Jesus had said about riches, asking, Who then can be saved?21. Nevertheless, Jesus reassured them
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21

2 Chronicles 1:11-12 KJV

Isaiah 55:11 KJV
2 Chronicles 9:22 KJV
Ecclesiastes 5:12 KJV
1 Timothy 6:10 KJV
James 5:1 KJV
James 5:4 KJV
Mattherw 19:23-24 KJV
Luke 12:31 KJV
Revelation 5:12 KJV
Matthew 19:21 KJV
Matthew 19:25 KJV

and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.22 What Jesus is
making clear is that it isnt impossible for a rich man to be saved. It is that he must give up the wealth
earned through the dark system of the world and earn it through the enlightened system of the kingdom
of heaven.
The enlightened system of the kingdom of heaven is built upon the principle of giving. Jesus
Christ stated, Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together,
and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it
shall be measured to you again.23 Similarly, Paul describes, He which soweth sparingly shall reap
also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he
purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful
giver.24 As we give into the kingdom of God in order to finance various Christian ministries and to
help the poor directly, God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all
sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.25 As we sow the monetary seeds that God
has given us into the kingdom of God, God is faithful to provide for our needs and to multiply your
seed sown, and increase the fruits of your righteousness.26 Solomon similarly writes, The liberal soul
shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.27 As we give into the kingdom of
God through alms, tithes, and offerings and see Gods hand at work, we will become more grateful for
Gods goodness. Regarding alms, it is written that he that giveth unto the poor shall not lack: but he
that hideth his eyes shall have many a curse.28 Regarding tithes, offerings, and the kingdom of heaven,
Jesus Christ warned, Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ye pay tithe of mint and
anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these
ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone.29 In this verse, Jesus Christ admonishes
Christians to give tithes, while not forgetting the more important aspects of the law like judgment,
mercy, and faith. Solomon boldly declares that one should honour the LORD with thy substance, and
with the firstfruits of all thine increase: so shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall
burst out with new wine.30 The first of ones wealth and ones monetary increase should be devoted to
God in order to see financial increase. Furthermore, Isaiah the prophet records that God will give thee
the treasures of darkness, and hidden riches of secret places, that thou mayest know that [He], the
LORD, which call thee by thy name, [is] the God of Israel.31 In the eyes of God, wealth is much less
important than righteousness and true devotion to Him. To this end, Jesus encourages His disciples to
sell that ye have,32 [giving] alms of such things as ye have.33 Giving alms will provide ones self with
bags which wax not old, a treasure in the heavens that faileth not, where no thief approacheth, neither
moth corrupteth.34 The message is that God will provide for us. God says, Bring ye all the tithes into
the storehouseand prove me now, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out

22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34

Matthew 19:26 KJV

Luke 6:38 KJV
2 Corinthians 9:6 KJV
2 Corinthians 9:8 KJV
2 Corinthians 9:10 KJV
Proverbs 11:25 KJV
Proverbs 28:27 KJV
Matthew 23:23 KJV
Proverbs 3:9-10 KJV
Isaiah 45:3 KJV
Luke 12:33a KJV
Luke 11:41 KJV
Luke 12:33b KJV

a blessing.35 More specifically, God wants His followers to be dependent upon Him and not on their
own might and power. In contrast to the rich man, Peter said, Lo, we have left all, and have followed
thee,36 referring to Jesus. Jesus replied,
Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or
brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or
lands, for my sake, and the gospel's, but he shall receive an
hundredfold now in this time, houses, and brethren, and sisters,
and mothers, and children, and lands, with persecutions; and in
the world to come eternal life.37
Jesus reassures his disciples that God is faithful and just to reward those who have left behind the
things of this world for the kingdom of God. As God sees one being faithful in a very little,38 He will
bless that person with more wealth and money. Then the time will arrive when God will have blessed a
person with great wealth and unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required39
Righteousness and true devotion to God rest at the core of the Mosaic covenant and the new
covenant. While the wicked may seem to prosper at times, the little that a righteous man hath is better
than the riches of many wicked.40 The Mosaic covenant, which is the basis for the power to get wealth,
declares that thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in
the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou
wouldest keep his commandments, or no.41 Similarly, it is written in the Book of Jeremiah:
Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new
covenant with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah:
32
Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in
the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land
of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an
husband unto them, saith the LORD:b 33But this shall be the
covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those
days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and
write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my
people.42
Jesus is the mediator of the new covenant43 and promises His followers an abundant life through this
covenant, which would include wealth and prosperity. God also wants those who serve Him to be
grateful for what they have while they look for more instead of constantly complaining44. And he wants
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44

Malachi 3:10 KJV

Mark 10:28 KJV
Mark 10:29-30 KJV
Luke 19:17 KJV
Luke 12:48 KJV
Psalms 37:16 KJV
Deuteronomy 8:3 KJV
Jeremiah 31:31-33 KJV
Hebrews 12:24 KJV
Numbers 11:1 KJV

his servants to aggressively use the economic system of their society like banks with high interest rates,
the stock market, and various kinds of business models, since one of the servants in a parable of Jesus
was punished for not making his masters money grow45. As we aggressively engage the economic
system of the day, God promises that if we meditate on the Law of Moses day and night and do what is
written therein, then He will make thy ways prosperous, andthou shalt have good success,46 but we
must be strong and of good courage, [while not being] affrighted [nor] dismayed: for the LORD thy
God is with thee withersoever thou goest.47
Jesus has obtained a more excellent ministryof a better covenant, which was established
upon better promises.48 For example, God promises, A good man leaveth an inheritance to his
children's children and the wealth of the sinner is laid up for the just.49 The wealth of the sinner is laid
up for the just because the just is diligent; he love[s] not sleep, lest [he] come to poverty.50These are
the promises of the new covenant. This is quite unlike riches kept for the owners thereof to their hurt,
[for] those riches perish by evil travail, leaving nothing in his hand for his son whom he has
begotten51. While acquiring vast amount of riches within the will of God is difficult, many verses in the
Bible do declare that the righteous man who lives according to the will of God shall prosper.
The word prosper means to succeed in material terms [and to] be financially successful.52 In
his third epistle, Saint John wrote, Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in
health, even as thy soul prospereth.53 Therefore, development and nurturing of the soul, the mind, the
body, and the spirit are important steps on the road to financial success and prosperity. Because of this
physical and psycho-spiritual link to prosperity, God takes pleasure in the prosperity of his servant54
and Gods followers pray that God sends prosperity55 as we, His followers, confess our sins in order to
receive prosperity and His mercy56. God also promises that those who love Jerusalem and pray for the
peace of that cityshall prosper.57By believing in Gods prophets to prosper58 and keeping the Law of
Moses, which contains Gods statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and his
testimonies59 on the tip of ones tongue, meditating on it, and carefully following the various tenets in
the Law of Moses, the covenant with God, to be strong, and of good courage60, one shalt make [his]
way prosperous, andhave good success.61 All that one sets ones heart to do shall be accomplished;62
only be certain to keep therefore the words of this covenant, and do them, that ye may prosper in all
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62

Luke 19:20-21, 19:27-28 KJV

Joshua 1:8 KJV
Joshua 1:9 KJV
Hebrews 8:6 KJV
Proverbs 13:22 KJV
Proverbs 20:13 KJV
Ecclesiastes 5:13-14 KJV
Def. prosper Oxford American Dictionary
3 John 2 KJV
Psalms 35:27 KJV
Psalms 118:25 KJV
Psalms 28:13 KJV
Psalms 122:6 KJV
2 Chronicles 20:20 KJV
1 Kings 2:3 KJV
1 Chronicles 22:13 KJV
Joshua 1:8 KJV
2 Chronicles 7:11 KJV

that ye do63. Adding to all of this scriptural instruction regarding wealth and riches, the prophet
Jeremiah again warns,
Thus saith the LORD, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom,
neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man
glory in his riches; but let him that glorieth glory in this, that he
understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which
exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the
earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD.64
The biblical message regarding wealth, riches, and prosperity is quite simple, but it is of sufficient
complexity that it can only be fully understood and put into practice by a mind that has become like the
very mind of Christ and is empowered by the Spirit of God.

63
64

Deuteronomy 29:9 KJV

Jeremiah 9:23-24 KJV

Poetry

War in Heaven
War erupted in the heavenlies
The rulers in heaven were shaken
A holy and mighty angel suffered
Crystalline, sparkling blood flowed
From a great and open wound
The Struggle for a Blessing
To struggle for dignity
In this earthly life
Yet live for eternity
In this world of strife
To passionately fight
With a soulish fire
For what is right
Against an evil desire
To violently wrestle
For that one blessing
To fill my vessel
Without any fussing
Wondeful Angels
Glorious angels unhindered in their holy actions,
Since time immemorial, perfect in beauty in the form of man
Wonderful creations of the Almighty God,
Mysterious, yet dark in His ways
2013 by Wilky Coutard
Ever Increasing Freedom
To ensure tranquil sets, one must be powerful
Being powerful, one must be vigilant
Being vigilant, one must be awake
To act, to study, to examine, and to continue
2013 by Wilky Coutard
The Plan of Salvation
To peer into the matchless Divine Mind

To search Its bottomless depths to find

A plan kept secret
Until the final defeat
The defeat of worldly evils
The defeat of the devil's hosts
Crushed under the heel of Christ,
Smashed under His ironclad fist
Foretold from ancient times,
Recounted in many rhymes
This simple, glorious plan
To forever redeem man
2013 by Wilky Coutard
Current information
Simple, yet complex, is the information
To understand it one way and yet another
Who am I to truly and rightly question
From acquaintances to a close brother
We turn with deep and true concern
2013 by Wilky Coutard
Ecstasy
We gaze at the night sky in fantasy,
The light of the stars twinkling in our eyes
We look at each other in ecstasy
The desires of our hearts emerging from sighs
2013 by Wilky Coutard
Waterfalls
Gushing waterfalls, rushing cool atmosphere

Flowing waters of life, streaming peacefully

Currents of information and time,
Zooming and speeding
2013 by Wilky Coutard
The Vine
The vine wrapped around the tree
Like a double helix of DNA
Encoding information from the past
To transfer into the distant future
God knows about the vine
God will water it in this life
God will nourish it with food
2014 by Wilky Coutard
The One and the Many
Blessings, honor, dignity
One faith, one life
To think of the many,
While understanding the One,
The one idea, the one Being
2014 by Wilky Coutard
Oneness in duality
Of one faith, one life
To think, to breathe, to live free
Of one thought and one idea
2014 by Wilky Coutard
The Divine
To truly perceive,
To seriously understand
Myself and my Christian spirit,
A mighty portion of the Divine

To contemplate the Divine Being,

To think about God as the Son,
Lord of the universe and of time;
It is to give praise to the Almighty.
2014 by Wilky Coutard

I live in Poinciana, FL with my younger brother and my mother. I continue to journal and to take notes
about my everyday activities. Please send comments here:
Wilky Coutard
526 Eagle Court
Kissimmee, FL 34759.
You can also email me at wilky.coutard@gmail.com.