N

As someone who works in an

environment where people are (for
the most part) unaware of the
nuances within various walks of life,
I have been thinking recently about
the concept of "enough"; queer
enough, disabled enough, radical
enough, that kind of thing.

Specifically though I've been

thinking about how people perceive
disability and how (usually nondisabled) people perceive there to
be a scale from "not disabled" to
"disabled" and that if you're not
over "half-way disabled" then
you're not really disabled.

I recently came to the conclusion

that I was on the autistic spectrum
and have been self-identifying for
the past few months, and getting to
grips with the ways in which I can
be gentler on myself, and learn
more about myself.

This wasn't something I did lightly,

or without good reason. I have
previously been diagnosed with
dyspraxia and ADHD which are comorbid with autism and I fit the
diagnostic criteria.

This is along with a few people with

aut This is along with a few people
with autism diagnoses telling me
that I was setting off their "autism
radar".

I didn't know autistic people had

radars and I certainly didn't come
with one so maybe it's only
something you get given when you
get an official diagnosis. I'm not
sure.

The point is, is that I am on the

autistic spectrum and you'd expect
the above evidence to be "enough"
for most people to accept that I
have autism and that because of this
I have difficulties with certain
things in my life.
As it stands though this isn't the
case.

Upon coming to this conclusion I

have been told by my colleagues
that I "shouldn't put [myself] down"
or that I "don't seem that disabled".
Not only does this misunderstand
how disability works, it also is a shit
thing to say when you yourself are
not disabled.

I can almost understand the theory

behind telling someone that they
shouldn't let their disability get
them down but for the most part I
have no fucking time for that.
To say that I shouldn't let my
disability "get me down" ignores
the fact that I struggle with lots of
different things every day and that
these issues can make my life
incredibly difficult.

Now I would normally be labelled

as a "high functioning" autistic but
again that doesn't take into account
the wide variety and depth that
autism offers and is just plain
wrong.

Just like there isn't a scale from "not

disabled" to "disabled" there isn't a
scale from "high functioning" (not
very autistic) to "low functioning"
(very autistic).

There are multiple facets to autism

that don't get taken into account at
all.
There is already a fantastic
webcomic by Rebecca Burgess that
looks into this which can be found
at
(http://theoraah.tumblr.com/post/1
42300214156/understanding-thespectrum)

so I won't go into that any more

because I wouldn't be able to put it
as eloquently as Rebecca.
The point I'm trying to make though
my lived experience is very
different from most people's
perceptions of me and of my
multiple disabilities.

Most days I put on a brave face to

the world and, because of
internalised ableism, I try to mask
how disabled I really am.

Some of this is to make it easier to

move in a society built for
neurotypical/non-disabled people
but some of it is actually to make
my life easier.

Who wants to be stared at on the

bus because you're stimming in an
"obvious" or "in your face" way? I'd
like to say that I don't mind but in
reality I do.

I mind so fucking much that I'm

willing to hold in my stimming until
I'm not in public.
For the uninitiated stimming can be
explained on this site
(https://aspergers101.com/autalkzstimming/)
and a great guide to the ABC's of
stimming can be found on this site
(http://par-lafenetre.tumblr.com/tagged/serieabc
/page/3).

Basically imagine that you have a

really bad itch that you just have to

scratch so badly that you feel will

make you explode if you dont BUT
it was socially unacceptable to
scratch it in public.
Now imagine trying to suppress
that.

It would be pretty unbearable right?

This is how I feel when I have to
suppress a stim in public.

Now I'm still figuring out what my

stims actually are because I've
spent years suppressing the things

that people told me were "weird"

and at the moment it's actually very
validating to explore that but I still
try and not be "visibly disabled" in
public due to fear, and internalised
ableism.

But what has this got to do with

being the concept of "enough"?

I am pretty open about my

disabilities but because I don't
always "present" as "visibly
disabled" or try to minimise my
visibility people tend to have a hard
time believing that I'm disabled
because their thoughts on disability
are shaped by the media, by films,

and by stereotypes. All of these

things exaggerate the "visibility" or
"physicality" of disabilities and
whilst to some extent autism can
present in a "visible" manner, it
doesn't always and of course people
who can "pass" for neurotypical
(some/most of the time) get thrown
under the bus.

This is based purely on the

assumption that disability is one
facetted, and can be placed on the
scale between "not disabled" and
"disabled" and it's really, really,
really damaging to people's mental
& physical health along with
peoples every days lives to make
those assumptions.

As an example, I am currently going

through a period of questioning my
disabilities and the effects that they
have on my life.

Now as someone who's recently

come to the autism self-diagnosis
It's perfectly natural for me to
question what things I have
difficulties with and what might
help those issues but this has
extended to all of my disabilities
and caused me to have this rant on
Facebook the other day;

"Right now I feel like a broken

person. All that it takes to turn
me into a near-quivering wreck is
slightly louder than average noise
levels for a medium period of
time. Fuck that shit. All I want to
do is take my earplugs and find
the quietest place I can find to
hug a pillow. Why the fuck is my
brain like this?! Why the fuck can
I not function like a "typical"
human being?! I might as well
just stay at home and be lonely
but not overloaded than go to
work and earn money and be
sociable and enjoy myself."

Should I really feel like a broken

person because I have difficulties
with being social, or with slightly
elevated noise levels?

This concept of being "disabled

enough" serves no purpose other
than to harm disabled people and
even if "not disabled" people don't
realise what they're doing what I've
said has been said enough times
that they should have learnt by
now.

It's not like disabled people have

been sitting quietly on the sidelines,
fingers on lips, staying quiet about
their lived experience and the
problems they suffer.

From my experience disabled

people spend an inordinate amount
of time explaining their disability to
people, or explaining why they have
a certain disability even though it
might not be noticeable from the
get go.

Over the past few weeks I have

spent far too much time having to
justify my ADHD, my dyspraxia, and
my autism and my very existence.

Because of course it's not just my

disability that's being erased, it's
my whole identity.

My disabilities might not be the

"worst" that they could be, (and in
many ways I'm glad that I have a
somewhat "easy ride" in terms of
passing as "not disabled" and
whatnot) but they are a very
intrinsic part of my identity and a
very big part of my everyday life.

I live my disabilities every single

day and they don't have an off
switch that I can use to give myself
a break. Even my days off work
when I have nothing other to do
than chill out can cause me
problems.

Decisions such as "what should I

watch?" or "am I hungry or just
bored?" can be very difficult
decisions to make and that's before
we get onto the "do I take my ADHD
meds" conundrum.

My ADHD meds are amazing and

wonderful and help me be
productive and live an "adult" life
but they don't afford me the ability
to relax that much.

My medication is a stimulant so
taking it just so I can sit and
concentrate on a t.v. show isn't
gonna allow me to relax but without
it I can be reduced to pausing every
five minutes so that I can get
distracted.

Like I said, there's no holiday from

disability.

And it's this that has got me so

frustrated about the state of
understanding about disability in
society right now.
I'm speaking as someone from the
UK so I can't talk about other
cultures/countries but my vague
understanding is that it's mostly the
same.
Why should anyone have to justify
anything to anyone else? Especially
something like their disability?! I
can think of a few reasons (mainly
"not disabled" people having an
easy ride by not making reasonable
adjustments to people they don't
see as "disabled enough") but no
amount of reasoning makes it ok.

No amount of reasoning makes it a

good thing to police people's
disabilities.

As someone who suffers from

depression I am all for educating
people about what things like
depression and OCD actually mean
in the hope that people will stop
invalidating mental health issues by
using phrases such as "I'm a little
OCD" or "I'm totally depressed that
so and so was kicked out of Big
Brother" but that isn't to say that I,
in any way, advocate for policing
people's disabilities.

I'm a big believer in the phrase All

Cops Are Bastards because I have
seen how much the institutional
state of oppression that the police
enforce, negatively affects
oppressed communities and this
extends to my disability politics.

Can we please do away with gatekeepers, disability police, and stop

this culture of "you don't look
disabled" and "you're not disabled
enough" because it's literally
ruining the lives of disabled people
by enforcing the idea that if you
don't fit into the societally
acceptable ideas of "disabled" then
you're not and that you don't have
difficulties and don't deserve help.

I know so many people who don't

ask for/accept help because they
are told by society that they aren't
disabled enough to need help.

Hell, even I (at 27) am still learning

when I need to ask for help and
when I can and can't deal with
certain situations.

It's only at 27 that started realising

that I was pushing myself too hard,
too far, and that I was regularly
being overloaded by the world
around me.

Admittedly this was a mixture of

society and my own desire to listen
to music 24/7 but it was mostly
internalised ableism and the
rhetoric of society that stopped me
from realising what issues I had and
how best to deal with them.

The only way to deal with this is to

change the fundamental way that
people view disability and it's going
to take more than a zine to do that
but for now it's all I have the energy
to do and I'm not too sure I know of
anything else I can do.

I have had enough with

"non disabled" people
telling me what I can and
can't do and whether or
not I'm disabled enough.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH

Yours with Anger

The Finnarchist

I hope that this rambling, jumble of words makes some

kind of sense and that you connect with it, even if you
dont agree with all of it.
Not matter your reaction though, please copy, share and
distribute this.
Please get involved in the debate with friends,
colleagues, with us at rootsgrowtrees@hotmail.com or
over in our community on Imzy
Please reference this in your own writings and please
take back the media for yourselves.

Roots Grow Trees WILL NEVER promote; sexism, racism,

misogyny, ableism, transphobia, homophobia,
whorephobia, body-shaming, classism, transmisogyny,
cissexism, capitalism, or slut-shaming,

but WILL promote; cis-phobia, body positivity, the

drinking of cis-het-white-male-tears, cute animals,
anarchy, music, love, protest, poetry, and critical
thinking.
Peace and Anger

The Roots Grow Trees Team!