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5wayssuccessfulpeoplehandleconflictatwork
ByTravisBradberryandJosephGrenny
Oct142015

Betweenthetwoofus,wevespent50yearsstudyingwhatmakespeople
successfulatwork.Apersistentfindinginbothofourresearchisthatyourabilityto
handlemomentsofconflicthasamassiveimpactonyoursuccess.
Howyouhandleconflictdeterminestheamountoftrust,respect,andconnectionyou
havewithyourcolleagues.
Conflicttypicallyboilsdowntocrucialconversationsmomentswhenthestakesare
high,emotionsrunstrongandop
inionsdiffer.Andyoucannotmastercrucial

conversationswithoutahighdegreeofemotionalintelligence(EQ).
Withamasteryofconflictbeingsocriticaltoyoursuccess,itsnowonderthat,
amongthemillionpluspeoplethatTalentSmarthastested,morethan90%oftop
performershavehighEQs.
Sohowcanyouuseemotionalintelligencetomastercrucialconversations?There
arefivecommonmistakesyoumustavoid,andfivealternativestrategiesyoucan
followthatwilltakeyoudowntherightpath.
Mistake#1:BeingBrutallyHonest
Youvesufferedinsilencelongenough.Yourcolleaguecontinuestoparksocloseto
yourcarthatyouhavetoenterthroughthepassengerdoor.Youveaskedherbefore
tostop.Afteradozenmoreviolationsofyourrequest,youdecideyouvesuffered
longenough.Clearly,sheneedstoknowwhatyouthinkofherintentionaldisrespect.
Soyouletherhaveit.Yougetrightinherfaceandtellherwhataninconsiderate
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jerksheis.
Howtobeatthis?Honestywithoutbrutality.Fromayoungage,weretaughtto
believethatwehavetochoosebetweentellingthetruthandkeepingafriendthat
theonlyoptionsarebrutalityorharmony.Withemotionalintelligence,youcanspeak
thetruthwithoutburningabridge.
Haveyouevernoticedhowsomeconversationsevenonesaboutveryrisky
subjectsgoverywell?Andothers,evenonesabouttrivialthings,candegenerate
intocombat?Theantidotetoconflictisnotdilutingyourmessage.Itscreating
safety.Manypeoplethinkthecontentoftheconversationiswhatmakespeople
defensive,sotheyassumeitsbesttojustgoforitandbebrutallyhonest.Itisnt.
Peopledontgetdefensivebecauseofthecontenttheygetdefensivebecauseof
theintenttheyperceivebehindit.Itisntthetruththathurtsitsthemaliceusedto
deliverthetruth.
Mistake#2:RoboticallySharingYourFeelings
Somewellintentionedcommunicationprofessionalssuggestthatwhenitstimeto
speakup,thediplomaticwaytodosoistostartbysharingyourfeelings.For
example,youtellyourparkingimpairedcolleague,Ifeelrageanddisgust.
Somehowthatssupposedtohelp.Itdoesnt.Peopledontworkthisway.Robotically
sharingyourfeelingonlyalienates,annoysandconfusesthem.
Howtobeatthis?Startwiththefacts.Ourbrainsoftenserveuspoorlyduring
crucialconversations.Inordertomaximizecognitiveefficiency,ourmindsstore
feelingsandconclusions,butnotthefactsthatcreatedthem.Thatswhy,whenyou
giveyourcolleaguenegativefeedbackandheasksforanexample,youoftenhem
andhaw.Youtrulycantremember.Soyourepeatyourfeelingsorconclusions,but
offerfewhelpfulfacts.Gatheringthefactsbeforehandisthehomeworkrequiredto
mastercrucialconversations.Beforeopeningyourmouth,thinkthroughthebasic
informationthathelpedyouthinkorfeelthewayyoudoandpreparetoshareit
first.
Mistake#3:DefendingYourPosition
Whensomeonetakesanopposingviewonatopicyoucaredeeplyabout,the
naturalhumanresponseisdefense.Ourbrainsarehardwiredtoassessfor
threats,butwhenweletfeelingsofbeingthreatenedhijackourbehavior,things
neverendwell.Inacrucialconversation,gettingdefensiveisasurefirepathto
failure.
Howtobeatthis?Getcurious.Agreatwaytoinoculateyourselfagainst
defensivenessistodevelopahealthydoubtaboutyourowncertainty.Then,enter
theconversationwithintensecuriosityabouttheotherpersonsworld.Giveyourself
adetectivestaskofdiscoveringwhyareasonable,rationalanddecentpersonwould
thinkthewayheorshedoes.AsformerSecretaryofStateDeanRusksaid,The
bestwaytopersuadeothersiswithyourears,bylistening.Whenothersfeeldeeply
understood,theybecomefarmoreopentohearingyou.
Mistake#4:BlamingOthersforYourSituation
Yourbosstellsyoushellgotobatforyouforapromotion.Youhearlaterthatinthe
HRreviewsheadvocatedforyourcolleagueinstead.Youfeelbetrayedandangry.
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Certainly,yourbossistheoneresponsibleforyourpainright?Truthis,shesnot
theonlyone.
Howtobeatthis?Challengeyourperspective.Whenwefeelthreatened,we
amplifyournegativeemotionsbyblamingotherpeopleforourproblems.Youcannot
masterconflictuntilyourecognizetheroleyouveplayedincreatingyour
circumstances.Yourbossmayhavepassedyouover,butshedidsoforareason.
Halfyourpainistheresultofherbetrayaltheotherhalfisduetoyour
disappointmentovernotperformingwellenoughtowinthepromotion.
1K+ 319 444

Mistake#5:WorryingAbouttheRisksofSpeakingUp

Itseasyforcrucialconversationstofillyouwithdread.Undertheinfluenceofsuch
stress,yournegativeselftalktakesoverandyouobsessoverallthebadthingsthat
mighthappenifyouspeakup.Youconjureimagesofconflict,retribution,isolation
andpainuntilyouretreatintosilence.
Howtobeatthis?Determinetherisksofnotspeakingup.Thefastestwayto
motivateyourselftostepuptodifficultconversationsistosimplyarticulatethecosts
ofnotspeakingup.VitalSmartsresearchshowsthatthosewhoconsistentlyspeak
uparentnecessarilymorecourageoustheyresimplymoreaccurate.First,they
scrupulouslyreviewwhatislikelytohappeniftheyfailtospeakup.Second,they
ponderwhatmighthappeniftheyspeakupandthingsgowell.Andfinally(theorder
isimportant)theyconsiderwhatmayhappeniftheconversationgoespoorly.Once
theyhaveanaccurateunderstandingofthepossibilities,sayingsomethingistheir
typicalchoice.
BringingItAllTogether
Theonlywaytowinanargumentistoneverhaveoneinthefirstplace.Successful
peopleknowthistheydontavoidconflictbecausetheycandosomething
productivewithitbeforethingsgetoutofhand.Applythesestrategiesthenexttime
yourefacingachallengingsituationandyoullbeamazedbytheresults.
PublicationdoesnotimplyendorsementofviewsbytheWorldEconomicForum.
TokeepupwiththeAgendasubscribetoourweeklynewsletter.
Author:Dr.TravisBradberryistheawardwinningcoauthorofthe#1bestselling
book,EmotionalIntelligence2.0,andthecofounderofTalentSmart,theworlds
leadingproviderofemotionalintelligencetestsandtraining,servingmorethan75%
ofFortune500companies.Hisbestsellingbookshavebeentranslatedinto25
languagesandareavailableinmorethan150countries.Dr.Bradberryhaswritten
for,orbeencoveredby,Newsweek,BusinessWeek,Fortune,Forbes,Fast
Company,Inc.,USAToday,TheWallStreetJournal,TheWashingtonPost,andThe
HarvardBusinessReview.JosephGrennycoauthoredthispost.Josephisafour
timeNewYorkTimesbestsellingauthor,keynotespeaker,andleadingsocial
scientistforbusinessperformanceatVitalSmarts.JosephisthecoauthorofCrucial
Conversations,Influencer,CrucialAccountability,andChangeAnything.Youcan
followJosephonLinkedInhere.
Image:Amanusinghismobilephonestandsnearaglasswindowatabuilding.
REUTERS/YuyaShino.

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PostedbyTravisBradberryandJosephGrenny10:36
Allopinionsexpressedarethoseoftheauthor.TheWorldEconomicForumBlogisanindependentandneutralplatform
dedicatedtogeneratingdebatearoundthekeytopicsthatshapeglobal,regionalandindustryagendas.
Conflict

EmotionalIntelligence

SuccessfulPeople

Employment,SkillsAndHumanCapital

TravisBradberry

Work

Leadership

Leadership

Success

Workplace

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