“The SECRET AGENT”

-A Skit

Scene: (The heavenly court: divine situation God seated on the Golden throne. Deep in
thought. A look of curiosity lies on his face. He looks a bit perplexed and says.)

God: I know what is going on everywhere in the world. Yes…. every-where…but except
in one place. I wonder what is going on in hell. I don’t know and I cannot know. For you
see, if ever a part of me, even my knowledge were in hell, it would cease to be hell. This
has been a nagging problem for me for ages…. for centuries. I must do something about
it! But what will I do? I know what I will do… I’ll call a meeting of all the general body,
the whole heavenly court!

(Sound of clapping, thunder, trumpet…angels, archangels,saints, bearded prophets,

apostles, and even Jesus and his Holy Mother and the Holy Spirit, all march in. They
come and bow and sing: Alleluia. Gradually they seated and listen to God)

God: What in hell is going on? Since it was created a long ago and I closed the iron
gates, I’ve had no knowledge of that place. Who knows perhaps it has been redecorated
or even air-conditioned? I’ve other questions as well. After all these my curiosity is too
much. I’ve decided to send someone down there as a spy, as my divine agent. This secret
agent can see what is going on there and return to give me and all of us a complete report.

Jeremiah: Lord, Yahweh. I’ll go. You have sent me before and so send me now.

Moses: (His great white beard glittering in the light from the golden throne speaks with
authority and in a voice filled with the majesty of mount Sinai). My Lord Yahweh as you
sent me down into Egypt to set free a chosen children, send me now to be your agent in
hell!

St.Paul: (shouting) I’ve been through fire, shipwreck, and prison for you and I’m ready
for hell. I’ll love to preach there.

(Many more shouting and volunteering)

God: (scanning the saintly crowd with their raised hands) Thank you…Thank you all of
you. Thank you Mohammad for your kind offer… and you, Buddha thank you as well.
But for these most special- if not impossible mission, I’ll, I think, ask Mary the mother of
Jesus to go to hell for me.

Mary: (humbly) My Lord God, you never seize to amaze me with impossible missions.
First you asked me to be mother of your son Jesus and to become pregnant outside of
marriage, and now, you want me to go to hell for you. But your will be done here in
heaven as it is on earth. I accept your invitation but my lord God. Won’t I look out of
place in hell and won’t they know that I………. ah…ah…I… don’t belong there?

God: mmmmmm… You are right my dear. That blue and white outfit of yours is not
going to work for this special assignment. You will need a disguise if you are even to get
through the gates.

Mary Magdalene:(after a brief silence steps forward). I’ll give Mary one of my scarlet
Red dresses to wear.

Rehab: I may have been a prostitute from Jericho. But I know how to handle such
situations. Remember how I hid the spies of Joshua in my house. I, my Lord Yahweh will
lend some of my jewelry, earrings and necklaces and some oriental perfume from
Sheeba.

Joan of Arc: (boldly) that sounds fine, Rahab! And I’ll teach the blessed mother some
four letter words that I had learnt while I was with the French army.
(On one side Mary is being transformed into a secret agent)

Joseph: (watching Mary and turning to a saint standing closely)No one will ever guess
she is my wife.

Nathaniel: No Joseph but they will guess what she is.

(Mary in her disguise goes before the Golden Throne and receives God’s blessings and
leaves for hell.)

(As she goes out Joan of Arc calls out, Mary remember D. S. F.

God: Now that Mary is gone and we don’t know how long she will take, let’s get back to
our heavenly business.

(All start singing hosanna, alleluia…)

Peter: (after some time) My Lord Yahweh, and all present here, I know it is about six
rainbows since Mary went to heaven. I was beginning to get anxious that she was not
coming. I did not want to say anything about my fear, lest I hurt Joseph, Jesus or John.
But from these pearly gates I can see Mary climbing up, she is looking a bit tired as well.
(Everyone starts murmuring and straining their necks and standing up…)

Mary: (still in her scarlet dress and jewelry) My Lord God I was surprised by what I find
in hell. Hell is a vast and enormous room. No one is alone in hell. There is no boredom.
The people are doing several things simultaneously, like making out their income tax
statements and at the same time eating their meals. They watch TV and visit the people…
all at the same time. Also in hell there is complete freedom- freedom to do whatever they
feel like doing. Even machines show such freedom. Clocks, torches and TVs. Some day
they are faithful and work and at other times they don’t work at all.

Martha: What do people in hell do all day? What sort of work they do?

Jesus: (smiles and says) Martha even here in heaven you are worried about your work
and what other people are supposed to do!

Martha: Well…. Jesus, you never appreciated what I say anyway. Mary, tell, they don’t
sit around all day and nothing, do they?

Mary: No Martha, that’s another interesting fact I found in hell…. They don’t work. But
while there is no work in hell there is no leisure either. In fact I found that life there is
constant restlessness. They spend most of the time in competing and playing.

Maria Goretti: Do they play Piano there?

Mary: A variety of Games of competition is constantly played. Everybody is so much

occupied with winning. No one wants to lose, face shame or defeat!.

Peter: It all sounds very boring. Do they do any fishing there?

Mary: Hell is a big business. Everything is functional. There is no beauty- nothing

beautiful, like the Mona Lisa or the Taj Mahal. Everywhere I saw plastic goods.
Well, Lord God that is my report and I assure you that it was hell.

(Everyone shakes his head in sadness and disappointment).

God: (after a worried look and silence) my heart aches whenever any of my children are
so unhappy. So I’ve decided to remove hell from the universe and bring all who are there
up here to heaven with me, where they can be happy.

(Everyone claps and sings Alleluia, cymbals, drums…)

Mary: Oh, God, Compassionate and kind, even for you I don’t think that is possible,
because everyone wants to be unhappy. They love competition and they enjoy in others
defeat. They want to be restless.

God:(God bows his head in sorrow everyone looks sorrowful. Slowly God smiles as he
looks at the Holy Spirit. They whisper to each other. Then God speaks enthusiastically)
Fellow citizens of heaven one and all, I want to redeem hell. I shall burn hell to the
ground and bring everyone down there up here. I’ve decided to send.. to hell. This
redeemer must be able to live alone without my presence, courageous and long suffering.
It will be a great task than what my son accomplished on earth.
Where shall I find such a Messiah?

(One by one, not me… Not me…)

God: (commanding) Gabriel, bring me the book of the list, and prepare to once again and
carry my message to the children of earth. In previous times I sent Buddha, Krishna,
Mohammad and my son Jesus.

(God turns the pages of the book of the living, slowly thoughtfully). Here is the list of all
in heaven and all on earth. And even all yet to be born.

(God stops suddenly and smiles triumphantly and proclaims)

Considering the extraordinary degree of patients and great faith, and the necessity for the
large enough even to love those who are in hell, I’ve decided that this time I will not
repeat the past. NO THIS TIME I SHALL SEND THE MESSIAH WHO IS A WOMAN
and not just one woman but a group of young aspirants who are like angels on earth
whose determination and courage is highly appreciated by the men and women of twenty
first century. It seems that they are polite and gentle, more intelligent and shrewd but at
the same time more human…and above all, more obedient to me and also to their Bishop
General than all others…. That is none other than the aspirants of Pondy blue
congregation.

(Congratulation………… Congratulation…………..)

Voice: The time is ripe. God wills our redemption. He continues to send people like the
aspirants as his messengers. Let us mend our ways by following Christ Jesus more
closely and dearly.

(Great clapping, hosannas and alleluias…Curtain closes)