Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 6, Issue 2 October 23, 2013
Flagophobes Claim Responsibility For Vandalism
By Ezra Post and Col. Elton P. Dramadery
GAMBIER In a shocking twist
to the stories of recent vandalism on
campus, sources report that an organi-
zation calling itself God Hates Flags
(GHF) has come forward and taken
responsibility for every flag-related
crime on campus in recent memory.
For too long, began the commu-
niqu sent to Collegiate offices and
signed by the group, our beloved
campus has been plagued by insipid
insignias, sodomous standards, and
godless gonfalons. Kenyons campus
will be free of these evil objects.
The release continued, If God had
wanted us to have flags, he would
have made us of broadcloth and stuck
a pole up our asses. But he didnt, and
so we shall enact his will on anyone
who opposes us.
God Hates Flags is a suspected
splinter group of the legitimate on-
campus organization Students With-
out Banners (SWB). Troubled by the
hateful acts committed against the as-
sorted stripes, SWB sought to clarify
their feelings about flags and position
themselves as a legitimate and re-
spectful club.
Did you know, instructed Annie
Guy Nodding Thoughtfully During Your Comment In Class Having Bizarre Sex Fantasy
By Kat Schrdinger
TIMBERLAKE HOUSE Sources
confirm that last Wednesday, the guy
nodding along to your comment in
your sociology seminar was actually
engaged in a bizarre sex fantasy, which
involved a Mickey Mouse costume,
several sticks of licorice, a plastic lawn
ornament, and One Directions hit sin-
He was totally engaged.
gle Thats What Makes You Beauti-
ful.
Throughout your carefully con-
structed response about the societal im-
plications of educational stratification,
Austin King 15 made quiet noises of
consideration like hmm and ahh, You light up my world like nobody
and even went so far as to murmur,
Right, that makes sense. From his
serious expression and unwavering
th e k e n yon collegiate
the original anonymous publication for sexual frustration
Dawson 14, that the American Psy-
chological Association estimates that
roughly .06 percent of Americans suf-
fer from Dissociative Vexil Anxiety
(DVA), better known as Vexilphobia,
the fear of flags? Its real.
DVA has ruined my life, de-
clared Dawson, who has suffered
from Vexilphobia all her life. I cant
go near government buildings, enjoy
sports games even playing Strat-
ego is utter hell.
While Dawson condemned the
methodology of GHF, she did sym-
eye contact, you assumed your logic
was penetrating the depths of his con-
science. But, in reality, he was imagin-
ing what the cheap polyester of Mick-
eys overlarge ears might feel like on
the backs of his calves.
The revelation shocked other mem-
bers of your class. Austin? said class-
mate Robyn Spitzer 16. No way, he
was totally engaged. He was tapping
his chin and frowning slightly and the
whole deal. I mean, he was nodding.
Anyone who nods has to be in the midst
of a thought with great depth, thats
how it works.
However, evidence suggests that
Kings nodding was actually in rhythm
to the imagined bobbing of the lawn
ornaments shapely bulb -- an image
backed by Harry Styles crooning,
else / the way that you flip your hair
gets me overwhelmed.
Continued on page 2.
Its pretty self-explanatory, really.
pathize with their motive and mes-
sage. DVA awareness organizations
are popping up all over the country.
Frankly, its about time the Kenyon
community opened itself up to aware-
ness.
People need to know that not all
vexilphobes are the intolerant types
the people who call flag-lovers
flaggots, and stand around with
God Hates Flags propaganda, says
Dawson. The vast majority of the
DVA community wants to work with
Continued on page 2.
Drunk Senior Buddies Totally Going To Change The World
By Ricardo Carrigano
NEW APTS Sources report that
after each completing what must have
been their fifth handle pull of the eve-
ning, buddies Charlie Yang 14 and
Ben Traver 14 made a pact to spend
their time post-Kenyon changing the
world.
Yang and Traver, who have had
many extended, passionate discussions
about race, ethics, politics, and big
ideas, finally took it upon themselves
this last Saturday to make a concerted
effort to attack the status quo. Callie
Francis 15, a mutual friend of the two
inebriated movers-and-shakers in the
making, was present for the decision,
which occurred during a small gather-
ing at Travers New Apartment.
They were just talking about their
weeks, what work they were doing for
their classes, recalled Francis, when,
all of a sudden, Ben slams the bottle
of Evan Williams and heaves out a big
Inside This Issue
A Cappella Cabaret Daz-
zles Swimmers Parents
Asian Lady Beetles Open
Bodega In NCA Corner
Cats! Catscatscatcaatsme-
owcats!! Cats!
Sophomores Made Entirely
Of Pubes Responsible For
All Drain Jams
old, You know what?
Traver proceeded to offer an im-
promptu manifesto for the rest of his
life, to which Yang enthusiastically
joined. Were so young! [Ben] kept
saying, offered a still-reeling Fran-
cis, and things about how if only you
could just teach kids to think critically,
things might be different. And Charlie,
shoot, he picked up what Ben was put-
ting down.
Man, do they have
plans.
Yang reportedly spent three to four
minutes riffing with his close friend
and roommate about the unsatisfac-
tory current state of affairs. He railed
against how things were done, the
way they were done, and how theyre
done reported Natalie Ransom 14,
Continued on page 2.
1
Sophomore Nostalgic For Parties He Never Went To
By Big Jeff Oglethorpe
NEW APTS Even though Jason
Meyerbach 16 did little else his
freshman year than play Starcraft
2 and sleep through his Monday
morning Early Black History lec-
ture, sources report he still exhibits
an acute sentimentality for his wild
years back when he was a fresh-
man.
Friends reported the newly nos-
talgic sophomore has spent no small
amount of his time waxing poetic
about parties that he did not actually
attend. Jay was pumped at dinner
last Friday, said Tristan Ransom
16, one of Meyerbachs oldest Ke-
nyon friends, and he was all Man,
do you remember how fucked we all
got before Highlighter 2012? And
Brian had that breathalyzer he got
from his cop uncle and I blew like
a .10? Ransom clarified that Mey-
erbach was decidedly un-fucked up
during the annual Zeta Old Kenyon
party, and spent that night com-
plaining about how someone moved
his laundry before it was totally
dry.
Ransom reported that Meyerbach
spent most of last Friday night ac-
costing first-years on Middle Path
for not going hard enough, a
term Meyerbach learned two weeks
ago hanging outside of a Womens
Rugby Party he wasnt specifically
invited to.
Professor of Psychology Ellen
Ullman, whose research is in memo-
Opinion
Put Aside The Present And Savor Technologyments to be made for the beauty of
By Professor Don Johnson
I am disgusted. As a tenured
Professor Emeritus of Computer
Science, I find the article written
in The Collegian last month, about
the need to set aside iPods and lis-
ten to crows and sunlit, leaf-filled
breezes in the morning, to be ut-
terly disgraceful. First of all, every-
body knows that crows are the rats
of the sk disgustingly dirty birds
that do not deserve any attention at
all. Personally, I enjoy the bright
light of my HD Computer Display
over that of the skin-damaging sun.
While there certainly are argu-
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Meyerbach totally remembers that time you got wasted even though he totally blacked out too, haha.
ry disorders and the construction of
false memories, spoke to The Col-
legiate about Meyerbachs possible
motives. Most of the time when
we see false memories, Ullman
said, its because the subject has
experienced some traumatic event
in his past that they cant bear to
have in their mind. Meyerbach, on
the other hand, seems to be creating
traumatic events in order to ground
his new self-image. Ullman further
noted that she normally sees cases
like this involving middle-aged
men trying to reinvent themselves.
Meyerbach is a 40-year-old man
pretending to go to college, or hes
just a bit of an indoor-kid at heart,
she opined. Either way, its pretty
creepy.
At press time, Meyerbach was
seen wildly gesticulating at a Peirce
nature, most of them come from po-
ets and the girls living at the BFEC.
As Thoreau, crazed nature enthusi-
ast, once wrote: Books are the trea-
sured wealth of the world and the
fit inheritance of generations and
nations. By books, Thoreau clearly
meant e-Books, tablets, and most
forms of video games. How will
modern students keep track of their
schedule if they spend most nights
stargazing? How will students get
to class if not by school-provided
golf cart? These are the questions
The Collegian failed to answer last
month. Why do students busy them-
selves with natural phenomena like
changing seasons?
Some theorists believed that
the alarm clock would make the
crowing cock no longer relevant;
however, The Collegians editorial
suggests otherwise. I, for one, have
been quite successful in the online
hook-up community, while my face-
to-face relationships seem to suffer
the most when it rains. Kenyon stu-
dents ought to stop wasting time on
table while he regaled friends about
the time he and Zoe Masterson went
to the BFEC during Send-Off and
totally did it in the pine grove.
Masterson, of course, transferred to
Meyerbach told you to go
harder.
Brown after first semester and has
absolutely no idea who Meyerbach
is. It was amazing, Meyerbach
concluded. She still calls me some-
times just to ask for me back, and
Im like please, you know J-Bach
cant be tied down.
The Kenyon Collegiate
is accepting applications.
Email collegiate@kenyon.
edu for more information.
passing quips and conversations,
when Grindr and Tindr offer ample
opportunities for easy satisfaction.
Sophomore, why do you howl at
the moon? Junior, is all that forag-
ing for nuts necessary? And senior,
must you have one last walk in the
damp, unkempt hills of Gambier?
While we can program cell-
phones to respond to voice com-
mands, nature is hard to reason
with. Some parts of the country
have wonderful natural occurrenc-
es, like forest fires and floods that
clear land for development, free of
charge! At Kenyon, it is certainly a
hot new trend to love nature, but
at what cost? More and more people
are seen walking into the Counsel-
ing Center with new disturbances
caused by sprouting wildflowers
and scarring sunset experiences.
Kenyon should focus less money on
superficial classes like Sustainable
Agriculture and Intro to Dance.
Give some money to the Comp Sci
department. What can nature give
us? Ice? We can make ice. In cubes.
Flags, from page 1.
flag-lovers to come to an understand-
ing of our struggles.
To help facilitate a peaceful dia-
logue, Kenyon Peer Counselors have
teamed up with the Discrimination
Advisors to host bi-weekly meetings
of DVA support groups, welcome to
all members of the community.
We want to promote a healthy envi-
ronment for Vexilphobes, said Vice
President of Flag-Related Affairs
Vincenzo Mikihal 15. One where
their voices are heard so they wont
feel the need to steal flags in order to
feel safe.
Comment, from page 1.
I think the lesson we can take away
from this is to never trust anyone ever,
commented classmate Eddie Yama-
moto 14. You sit there thinking some-
ones concerned about the wealth gap,
and it turns out their mind is on a whole
different sort of gap.
When asked for thoughts on sex
fantasies during class, your classmates
Bart Ewing 15, Rajesh Singh 16, and
Elizabeth Warwick 15 added, I defi-
nitely wasnt also doing that.
Buddies, from page 1.
also present for the extended dec-
laration, continuing, and the both
of them were gesticulating with the
at-this-point empty bottle of whisky,
gushing about all the plans they had,
the projects they were going to com-
plete and the lives they were going to
change.
Ive seen some pretty interest-
ing drunk professions, opined Grant
Riegert 15, and this was probably
one of the more grand, socially-mind-
ed blackouts Ive ever witnessed.
Francis, Ransom, and other attendees
of the gathering affirmed Riegerts as-
sessment, noting that Yang and Traver
even drew up a written compact on
their empty box of mac and cheese
wedges before passing out.
While not everyone present was
taken by the two buddies altruistic
ravings, all admitted to being im-
pressed. I mean, theyll probably just
end up moving to Chicago together,
explained Riegert, but one things for
sure: theyve got plans.
Retractions
The Collegiate would like to issue a
formal apology for the decline in internet
speed last Thursday while you were
trying to finish your research paper. We
fell asleep watching Orange Is The New
Black on Netflix, and its not the same
unless youre watching in HD on eight
monitors at the same time. You know
how it is.
2
Opinion

Man, I Dont Get Kenyon Girls
Man, I Dont Get Naz Girls
So, Sally. . .
Man, I Dont Get The Nazgl
Every week, Collegiate contributor
Sally Humbert 14 answers your
questions about dealing with life on
the Hill.

By Jeffrey Seldom 14, MVNU By Clifford Cashpore 14
Man, I have to admit, Im con- Man, I have to admit, Im con-
fused. Like, everything seemed clear, fused. Like, everything seemed clear,
it was all wrapping up perfectly, and it was all wrapping up perfectly, and
then this! I had it right with this girl. then this! I had it right with this girl.
Going fast, doing the right thing, I Taking it very slowly, doing the right
was finally listening to my punk thing, I was finally listening to my
rock cousin Slimes advice. I rolled born again older sister Sandras ad-
this Kenyon girl new joints every vice. I made this Naz girl fresh toast
morning, and even cleaned up after every morning, and even cleaned up
myself in the kitchen. Our first date, after myself in the kitchen. Our first
apple bobbing, was special and our date, apple picking, was special and
third date, bouncing on the tramp, our third date, cranberry bogging,
was delightful. I had no idea what was delightful. I had no idea what I
I was in for. We went swimming in was in for. It was all downhill from
the fountain like the Beatnicks that the Delt formal. It was like one day,
Professor Jesus warns about in his she could hear me and the next day,
course Avoiding Kerouac. It was I was speaking a foreign language,
like one day, we got along, and the but not like a sexy kind, like Hindi or
next day she didnt want to trip in the Swahili.
BFEC, like not on a rock but on the Maybe I overestimated the role of
popular psychoactive drug Psilosi- religion in her life. Before the Delt
ben Mushrooms. formal I delivered some biscuits to
Maybe I underestimated the role her aunt and uncle, which I thought
of religion in her life. Before the was a good move. When she ditched
Sunday pew sweep at Church, she me at the formal to do coke with
had already married my best friend my best friend (a Seth Rogen-esque
(a Rick Santorum-esque Christian); Jew), I was surprised. Maybe next
I was surprised. Maybe next time I time I will do better, bless the Lord,
will do better, Based God, but for but for now Im screwed. Man, I to-
now Im screwed. Man, I totally tally dont get Naz girls.
dont get Kenyon girls.
O, For A Muse Of Fire To Set Ablaze This Occident-Hating Haven
By Brandon Thrace 15 IPHS, shall no longer know the soci-
ety of learned men. Or so I fear. How
we will wander through the world
like that old Theban king, doomed to
walk our days blind!
The Oriental, the Aboriginal, the
Mohammedan all have given the
West such wonderful vessels within
which to place the light of Athens.
Yet, sadly, that light has slowly di-
minished, expired under the ruins,
born of neglect and of educational
Woe, colleagues, I bespeak only impropriety. And these new, upstart
woe. The time has long been coming little flames endeavor to supplant
for the demise of this, our little col- their masters! Ha! Ha oh! My
lege on the hill. Long have I dwelled nerves!
upon this moment. Long have I Apollo, what will I do once my
hoped the Muse would inspire a song subject without a pedagogy dissolves
that might forestall its coming. But into the air, into thin air? What spirits
come it does, and I assume an atti- to enforce can I thus summon? How
tude most lachrymose. can I rage against the dying of the
My mistress eyes are noth- light cast by the Great Books, the
ing like the sun, intoned the Bard. light that has guided me through the
And yet my mistress, my sweet lady shadow of the valley of work outside
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
By Samwise Gamgee
I have to admit, Mister Frodo, Im
confused. Like, everything seemed
clear, it was all wrapping up per-
fectly, and then this! We had it right
when we escaped the ring-wraiths by
fording the river Bruinen. Wed been
taking it very slowly, fighting off
hordes of Orcs, and then they show
up again with their terrifying winged
beasts. I was finally listening to Gan-
dalf the Whites advice. I made this
Nazgl taste the cold steel of Ara-
gorns sword, Andril. Our third date,
the battle at Weathertop, was delight-
ful. I had no idea what I was in for.
It was all downhill from the battle at
Amon Hen. It was like one day, they
could hear me and the next day, I was
speaking a foreign language, but not
like a sexy kind, like Dwarvish or Old
Nmenorean.
Maybe I overestimated the role
of the Dark Lord Sauron in their
life. Before the battle at Morannon,
I delivered some lembas bread to
their pterodactyl-like steeds, which
I thought was a good move. When
they ditched me at Mt. Doom to
smoke Longbottom Leaf with my
best friends (Merry and Pippin), I was
surprised. Maybe next time I will do
better, bless the Lord, but for now
Im screwed. Man, I totally dont get
Nazgl.
this, my only paradigm?
But soft. From my Timberlake
House perch, I think I hear the care-
less rustle of another student turning
those hallowed pages of Politics. My
heart quickens. The cause is not lost.
Perhaps the flame of intellect, that
fire brought down to us, the privi-
leged few, will burn still. Perhaps
there is hope yet for this fire. A fire
that was and always will be, in mea-
sures being kindled and measures
going out.
Yes. This innocent, Freshman
Quester, this small boy signify-
ing Odysseus, will carry the torch
against the ever-growing hordes of
Resisters, Desisters, the Occident-
hating. He shall be a candle in the
wind. Esteemed pupils, I implore
you to explore your heritage, for it is
not only your heritage by right, but
the heritage of right.
Ignore at your peril.
Dear Sally,
Im taking a film seminar this
semester and I just have such a
hard time making it to a class so
late! I usually nap around that
time, and I just cannot break the
habit. Help!
-Sleepy Sophomore
Dear Sleepy Sophomore,
Oh man, seminars right? Ughhh.
So the worst. So I had like, one
seminar a couple of years ago
and what really got me through
it was a lot of caffeine, setting
a ton of alarms, and hooking up
with the professor afterwards! Id
super recommend it, the thought
of that sweet sexy professor love
really got me up and energized
for seminar every night. If that
doesnt work, just hit up the Cove.
Dear Sally,
I love Kenyon, but Im having
such a hard time adjusting to liv-
ing with a roommate. Im an only
child, so having someone in my
space is really rough! I just feel
like Im not getting enough me
time here. Any advice?
-Mashed In in Mather
Dear MIiM,
My first year roommate actually
ended up transferring because I
drove her so crazy, so I sort of get
where youre coming from but I
also actually dont? Anyway, your
best bet is to probably bring home
as many people as possible; the
more the merrier, right? Noth-
ing says new best friend like a
threesome!!! If you have a hard
time finding someone to bone that
night, check out the Cove.
Dear Sally,
My best friends boyfriend is be-
ing really weird to me...he keeps
sitting in my room long after shes
left and asking me about my trip
to Peru. I dont think he knows Im
gay, how do I break the news?
-Gay in Gund
Dear Gay in Gund,
Play with his balls. Then head to
the Cove.
Features

As a part of our ongoing partnership with the Center for Global Engagement, The Kenyon Collegiate is happy to publish an excerpt from the abroad
blog of Rachel Simon 15.

small girl, big world. Just a regular American girl having adventures in pretty much any country!

About Me: My Adventures:

Is there a better word in the English language than
Like 10,000 buildings
adventures? Ive never checked, but probably not,
because look at all the adventures Im having in
whatever country Im in.

Me + Airport:

I am about as white and brunette as a person can be, but

Im also super unique because I like a few gender-neutral Wait, is that a cat!?
television shows and can play Fix You on the piano or
something. But dont let my forthcoming list of humble-
Off I go, can you believe it? Photo cred to my beauti-
brags fool youprevious travel experiences, prolific alco- ful mother, thank you for always supporting me, Ill
hol consumption, and political activism, to name a fewI miss you guys so much, etc.
dont think Im very cool or interesting. I think you can see,
by my frantic self-deprecation, that I am totally not! For
instance, why did I even give in to the mounting social
pressure and make an abroad blog? You just cant fake this food (and a little uh-oh. . .)
kind of adorable self-awareness.

Full body shot in front of monument

Me and my host sister eating a locally-made meal...but EEK! Things can

go comically wrong when youre abroad, just like when youre in regular
places. We both totally got food poisoning.
Out of the country and conventionally atractive:a double
whammy!

Gossip Squirrel
Wakey, wakey, Lords and Ladies!
The first chill is nearly here but all the
gossip is burning up this little rodent
on the hill word in the trees is your
caribous been tussling his antlers with
the doe from down the street. Better go
keep him on point. Remember, keep
your den warm and cozy and the crit-
ters will crawl right in. You know you
love me!
xoxo Gossip Squirrel
Student With Ounce Of Pot Acting Like Hes Fucking Scarface Or Something
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
GUND COMMONS Trusted
sources report that Cameron Ber-
nstein 17 has styled himself as a
ruthless, rural-college drug king-
pin following the purchase of an
ounce of mids. Bernstein purchased
the marijuana with the money his
parents left him after their visit last
weekend, and intends to make
the Bier his bitch with the profits
derived from its sale.
Bernstein formalized these plans
by assembling his posse (consist-
ing of his lab partner, roommate, and
a sympathetic AVI worker) in Peirce
Pub last Thursday evening.
Bernstein then illustrated his three
step plan to growing out his op on
the burgeoning freshman market. He
was then quoted as saying, first, you
get da Gunderworld, mang. Once
you get da Gunderworld, you get da
quad. Once you got da quad, den you
got da respect.
Bernstein also has reportedly be-
gun referring to his AVI companion
as my made man, Yung Omelet.
After the ceremony, the newly
crowned Big Bernz aka Bernz
Unit aka Mercedes Bernz aka MC
Pierogi made vows that he finna
take this place from Mount Vern to
Mount Everest.
Established campus drug dealer
Vince Morone 14 shrugged when
informed of this new player in the
Kenyon illicit-substance scene,
calling Bersteins attempt cute but
unprincipled.
Collegiate Staff
General Araneus . . . Clifford Seldom
The Bus . . . . . Billy Hughes
Carlos . . .Ricardo Carrigano
Kesha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Phoebe . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
D.A. . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Liz the Lizard . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
Tim . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Cornelia . . . . . . Tyrone Rosencrantz
Janet . . . . . . . . . . . .Constance Slurs
Wanda . . . . . . . . . . . . .Kat Schrodinger
Arnold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ezra Post
Ralph. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Spark Dickman
Ms. Frizzle . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns: :
Please let this be a normal field trip, Ac-
cording to my research, We didnt do this
at my old school. . .
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  4