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Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 6, Issue 2 October 23, 2013

the original anonymous publication for sexual frustration

Flagophobes Claim Responsibility For Vandalism

By Ezra Post and Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Inside This Issue
GAMBIER In a shocking twist
to the stories of recent vandalism on A Cappella Cabaret Daz-
campus, sources report that an organi- zles Swimmers Parents
zation calling itself God Hates Flags
(GHF) has come forward and taken
responsibility for every flag-related
crime on campus in recent memory.
Asian Lady Beetles Open
For too long, began the commu- Bodega In NCA Corner
niqu sent to Collegiate offices and
signed by the group, our beloved
campus has been plagued by insipid
insignias, sodomous standards, and
godless gonfalons. Kenyons campus
will be free of these evil objects.
The release continued, If God had
wanted us to have flags, he would Its pretty self-explanatory, really.
have made us of broadcloth and stuck Dawson 14, that the American Psy- pathize with their motive and mes-
a pole up our asses. But he didnt, and chological Association estimates that sage. DVA awareness organizations
so we shall enact his will on anyone roughly .06 percent of Americans suf- are popping up all over the country.
who opposes us. fer from Dissociative Vexil Anxiety Frankly, its about time the Kenyon
God Hates Flags is a suspected (DVA), better known as Vexilphobia, community opened itself up to aware-
splinter group of the legitimate on- the fear of flags? Its real. ness.
campus organization Students With- DVA has ruined my life, de- People need to know that not all
out Banners (SWB). Troubled by the clared Dawson, who has suffered vexilphobes are the intolerant types Cats! Catscatscatcaatsme-
hateful acts committed against the as- from Vexilphobia all her life. I cant the people who call flag-lovers
sorted stripes, SWB sought to clarify
owcats!! Cats!
go near government buildings, enjoy flaggots, and stand around with
their feelings about flags and position sports games even playing Strat- God Hates Flags propaganda, says
themselves as a legitimate and re- ego is utter hell. Dawson. The vast majority of the Sophomores Made Entirely
spectful club. While Dawson condemned the DVA community wants to work with
Did you know, instructed Annie
Of Pubes Responsible For
methodology of GHF, she did sym-
Continued on page 2. All Drain Jams

Guy Nodding Thoughtfully During Your Comment In Class Having Bizarre Sex Fantasy
eye contact, you assumed your logic
Drunk Senior Buddies Totally Going To Change The World
By Kat Schrdinger was penetrating the depths of his con- By Ricardo Carrigano old, You know what?
TIMBERLAKE HOUSE Sources science. But, in reality, he was imagin- NEW APTS Sources report that Traver proceeded to offer an im-
confirm that last Wednesday, the guy ing what the cheap polyester of Mick- after each completing what must have promptu manifesto for the rest of his
nodding along to your comment in eys overlarge ears might feel like on been their fifth handle pull of the eve- life, to which Yang enthusiastically
your sociology seminar was actually the backs of his calves. ning, buddies Charlie Yang 14 and joined. Were so young! [Ben] kept
engaged in a bizarre sex fantasy, which The revelation shocked other mem- Ben Traver 14 made a pact to spend saying, offered a still-reeling Fran-
involved a Mickey Mouse costume, bers of your class. Austin? said class- their time post-Kenyon changing the cis, and things about how if only you
several sticks of licorice, a plastic lawn mate Robyn Spitzer 16. No way, he world. could just teach kids to think critically,
ornament, and One Directions hit sin- was totally engaged. He was tapping Yang and Traver, who have had things might be different. And Charlie,
his chin and frowning slightly and the many extended, passionate discussions shoot, he picked up what Ben was put-
whole deal. I mean, he was nodding. about race, ethics, politics, and big ting down.
He was totally engaged. Anyone who nods has to be in the midst ideas, finally took it upon themselves
of a thought with great depth, thats this last Saturday to make a concerted Man, do they have
effort to attack the status quo. Callie
gle Thats What Makes You Beauti- how it works.
Francis 15, a mutual friend of the two plans.
ful. However, evidence suggests that
Throughout your carefully con- Kings nodding was actually in rhythm inebriated movers-and-shakers in the
structed response about the societal im- to the imagined bobbing of the lawn making, was present for the decision, Yang reportedly spent three to four
plications of educational stratification, ornaments shapely bulb -- an image which occurred during a small gather- minutes riffing with his close friend
Austin King 15 made quiet noises of backed by Harry Styles crooning, ing at Travers New Apartment. and roommate about the unsatisfac-
consideration like hmm and ahh, You light up my world like nobody They were just talking about their tory current state of affairs. He railed
and even went so far as to murmur, else / the way that you flip your hair weeks, what work they were doing for against how things were done, the
Right, that makes sense. From his gets me overwhelmed. their classes, recalled Francis, when, way they were done, and how theyre
serious expression and unwavering all of a sudden, Ben slams the bottle done reported Natalie Ransom 14,
of Evan Williams and heaves out a big
Continued on page 2. Continued on page 2.
th e k e n yon collegiate 1
Sophomore Nostalgic For Parties He Never Went To Flags, from page 1.
By Big Jeff Oglethorpe flag-lovers to come to an understand-
NEW APTS Even though Jason ing of our struggles.
Meyerbach 16 did little else his To help facilitate a peaceful dia-
freshman year than play Starcraft logue, Kenyon Peer Counselors have
2 and sleep through his Monday teamed up with the Discrimination
morning Early Black History lec- Advisors to host bi-weekly meetings
ture, sources report he still exhibits of DVA support groups, welcome to
an acute sentimentality for his wild all members of the community.
years back when he was a fresh- We want to promote a healthy envi-
man. ronment for Vexilphobes, said Vice
Friends reported the newly nos- President of Flag-Related Affairs
talgic sophomore has spent no small Vincenzo Mikihal 15. One where
amount of his time waxing poetic their voices are heard so they wont
about parties that he did not actually feel the need to steal flags in order to
attend. Jay was pumped at dinner feel safe.
last Friday, said Tristan Ransom
16, one of Meyerbachs oldest Ke- Meyerbach totally remembers that time you got wasted even though he totally blacked out too, haha.
nyon friends, and he was all Man, ry disorders and the construction of table while he regaled friends about Comment, from page 1.
do you remember how fucked we all false memories, spoke to The Col- the time he and Zoe Masterson went
got before Highlighter 2012? And legiate about Meyerbachs possible to the BFEC during Send-Off and I think the lesson we can take away
Brian had that breathalyzer he got motives. Most of the time when totally did it in the pine grove. from this is to never trust anyone ever,
from his cop uncle and I blew like we see false memories, Ullman Masterson, of course, transferred to commented classmate Eddie Yama-
a .10? Ransom clarified that Mey- said, its because the subject has moto 14. You sit there thinking some-
erbach was decidedly un-fucked up experienced some traumatic event Meyerbach told you to go ones concerned about the wealth gap,
during the annual Zeta Old Kenyon in his past that they cant bear to harder. and it turns out their mind is on a whole
party, and spent that night com- have in their mind. Meyerbach, on different sort of gap.
plaining about how someone moved the other hand, seems to be creating Brown after first semester and has When asked for thoughts on sex
his laundry before it was totally traumatic events in order to ground absolutely no idea who Meyerbach fantasies during class, your classmates
dry. his new self-image. Ullman further is. It was amazing, Meyerbach Bart Ewing 15, Rajesh Singh 16, and
Ransom reported that Meyerbach noted that she normally sees cases concluded. She still calls me some- Elizabeth Warwick 15 added, I defi-
spent most of last Friday night ac- like this involving middle-aged times just to ask for me back, and nitely wasnt also doing that.
costing first-years on Middle Path men trying to reinvent themselves. Im like please, you know J-Bach
for not going hard enough, a Meyerbach is a 40-year-old man cant be tied down. Buddies, from page 1.
term Meyerbach learned two weeks pretending to go to college, or hes
ago hanging outside of a Womens just a bit of an indoor-kid at heart, also present for the extended dec-
Rugby Party he wasnt specifically she opined. Either way, its pretty
invited to. creepy. The Kenyon Collegiate laration, continuing, and the both
of them were gesticulating with the
Professor of Psychology Ellen At press time, Meyerbach was is accepting applications. at-this-point empty bottle of whisky,
Ullman, whose research is in memo- seen wildly gesticulating at a Peirce
Email collegiate@kenyon. gushing about all the plans they had,
Opinion the projects they were going to com-
edu for more information. plete and the lives they were going to
Put Aside The Present And Savor Technologyments to be made for the beauty of passing quips and conversations,
Ive seen some pretty interest-
ing drunk professions, opined Grant
nature, most of them come from po- when Grindr and Tindr offer ample
Riegert 15, and this was probably
ets and the girls living at the BFEC. opportunities for easy satisfaction.
one of the more grand, socially-mind-
As Thoreau, crazed nature enthusi- Sophomore, why do you howl at
ed blackouts Ive ever witnessed.
ast, once wrote: Books are the trea- the moon? Junior, is all that forag-
Francis, Ransom, and other attendees
sured wealth of the world and the ing for nuts necessary? And senior,
of the gathering affirmed Riegerts as-
fit inheritance of generations and must you have one last walk in the
sessment, noting that Yang and Traver
nations. By books, Thoreau clearly damp, unkempt hills of Gambier?
even drew up a written compact on
meant e-Books, tablets, and most While we can program cell-
their empty box of mac and cheese
forms of video games. How will phones to respond to voice com-
wedges before passing out.
modern students keep track of their mands, nature is hard to reason
While not everyone present was
schedule if they spend most nights with. Some parts of the country
taken by the two buddies altruistic
stargazing? How will students get have wonderful natural occurrenc-
ravings, all admitted to being im-
By Professor Don Johnson to class if not by school-provided es, like forest fires and floods that
pressed. I mean, theyll probably just
I am disgusted. As a tenured golf cart? These are the questions clear land for development, free of
end up moving to Chicago together,
Professor Emeritus of Computer The Collegian failed to answer last charge! At Kenyon, it is certainly a
explained Riegert, but one things for
Science, I find the article written month. Why do students busy them- hot new trend to love nature, but
sure: theyve got plans.
in The Collegian last month, about selves with natural phenomena like at what cost? More and more people
the need to set aside iPods and lis- changing seasons? are seen walking into the Counsel-
ten to crows and sunlit, leaf-filled Some theorists believed that ing Center with new disturbances Retractions
breezes in the morning, to be ut- the alarm clock would make the caused by sprouting wildflowers
terly disgraceful. First of all, every- crowing cock no longer relevant; and scarring sunset experiences. The Collegiate would like to issue a
formal apology for the decline in internet
body knows that crows are the rats however, The Collegians editorial Kenyon should focus less money on
speed last Thursday while you were
of the sk disgustingly dirty birds suggests otherwise. I, for one, have superficial classes like Sustainable trying to finish your research paper. We
that do not deserve any attention at been quite successful in the online Agriculture and Intro to Dance. fell asleep watching Orange Is The New
all. Personally, I enjoy the bright hook-up community, while my face- Give some money to the Comp Sci Black on Netflix, and its not the same
light of my HD Computer Display to-face relationships seem to suffer department. What can nature give unless youre watching in HD on eight
over that of the skin-damaging sun. the most when it rains. Kenyon stu- us? Ice? We can make ice. In cubes. monitors at the same time. You know
While there certainly are argu- dents ought to stop wasting time on how it is.

2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  2

So, Sally. . .
Man, I Dont Get Kenyon Girls Man, I Dont Get Naz Girls Man, I Dont Get The Nazgl
Every week, Collegiate contributor
Sally Humbert 14 answers your
questions about dealing with life on
the Hill.

Dear Sally,
Im taking a film seminar this
semester and I just have such a
By Samwise Gamgee hard time making it to a class so
By Jeffrey Seldom 14, MVNU By Clifford Cashpore 14 I have to admit, Mister Frodo, Im late! I usually nap around that
Man, I have to admit, Im con- Man, I have to admit, Im con- confused. Like, everything seemed time, and I just cannot break the
fused. Like, everything seemed clear, fused. Like, everything seemed clear, clear, it was all wrapping up per- habit. Help!
it was all wrapping up perfectly, and it was all wrapping up perfectly, and fectly, and then this! We had it right -Sleepy Sophomore
then this! I had it right with this girl. then this! I had it right with this girl. when we escaped the ring-wraiths by
Going fast, doing the right thing, I Taking it very slowly, doing the right fording the river Bruinen. Wed been
was finally listening to my punk thing, I was finally listening to my Dear Sleepy Sophomore,
taking it very slowly, fighting off
rock cousin Slimes advice. I rolled born again older sister Sandras ad- Oh man, seminars right? Ughhh.
hordes of Orcs, and then they show
this Kenyon girl new joints every vice. I made this Naz girl fresh toast So the worst. So I had like, one
up again with their terrifying winged
morning, and even cleaned up after every morning, and even cleaned up seminar a couple of years ago
beasts. I was finally listening to Gan-
myself in the kitchen. Our first date, after myself in the kitchen. Our first and what really got me through
dalf the Whites advice. I made this
apple bobbing, was special and our date, apple picking, was special and it was a lot of caffeine, setting
Nazgl taste the cold steel of Ara-
third date, bouncing on the tramp, our third date, cranberry bogging, gorns sword, Andril. Our third date, a ton of alarms, and hooking up
was delightful. I had no idea what was delightful. I had no idea what I the battle at Weathertop, was delight- with the professor afterwards! Id
I was in for. We went swimming in was in for. It was all downhill from ful. I had no idea what I was in for. super recommend it, the thought
the fountain like the Beatnicks that the Delt formal. It was like one day, It was all downhill from the battle at of that sweet sexy professor love
Professor Jesus warns about in his she could hear me and the next day, Amon Hen. It was like one day, they really got me up and energized
course Avoiding Kerouac. It was I was speaking a foreign language, could hear me and the next day, I was for seminar every night. If that
like one day, we got along, and the but not like a sexy kind, like Hindi or speaking a foreign language, but not doesnt work, just hit up the Cove.
next day she didnt want to trip in the Swahili. like a sexy kind, like Dwarvish or Old
BFEC, like not on a rock but on the Maybe I overestimated the role of Nmenorean.
popular psychoactive drug Psilosi- religion in her life. Before the Delt Dear Sally,
Maybe I overestimated the role
ben Mushrooms. formal I delivered some biscuits to I love Kenyon, but Im having
of the Dark Lord Sauron in their
Maybe I underestimated the role her aunt and uncle, which I thought such a hard time adjusting to liv-
life. Before the battle at Morannon,
of religion in her life. Before the was a good move. When she ditched ing with a roommate. Im an only
I delivered some lembas bread to
Sunday pew sweep at Church, she me at the formal to do coke with child, so having someone in my
their pterodactyl-like steeds, which
had already married my best friend my best friend (a Seth Rogen-esque I thought was a good move. When space is really rough! I just feel
(a Rick Santorum-esque Christian); Jew), I was surprised. Maybe next they ditched me at Mt. Doom to like Im not getting enough me
I was surprised. Maybe next time I time I will do better, bless the Lord, smoke Longbottom Leaf with my time here. Any advice?
will do better, Based God, but for but for now Im screwed. Man, I to- best friends (Merry and Pippin), I was -Mashed In in Mather
now Im screwed. Man, I totally tally dont get Naz girls. surprised. Maybe next time I will do
dont get Kenyon girls.
better, bless the Lord, but for now Dear MIiM,
Im screwed. Man, I totally dont get
My first year roommate actually
O, For A Muse Of Fire To Set Ablaze This Occident-Hating Haven Nazgl.
ended up transferring because I
By Brandon Thrace 15 IPHS, shall no longer know the soci- this, my only paradigm? drove her so crazy, so I sort of get
ety of learned men. Or so I fear. How But soft. From my Timberlake where youre coming from but I
we will wander through the world House perch, I think I hear the care- also actually dont? Anyway, your
like that old Theban king, doomed to less rustle of another student turning best bet is to probably bring home
walk our days blind! those hallowed pages of Politics. My as many people as possible; the
The Oriental, the Aboriginal, the heart quickens. The cause is not lost. more the merrier, right? Noth-
Mohammedan all have given the Perhaps the flame of intellect, that
ing says new best friend like a
West such wonderful vessels within fire brought down to us, the privi-
which to place the light of Athens. leged few, will burn still. Perhaps threesome!!! If you have a hard
Yet, sadly, that light has slowly di- there is hope yet for this fire. A fire time finding someone to bone that
minished, expired under the ruins, that was and always will be, in mea- night, check out the Cove.
born of neglect and of educational sures being kindled and measures
Woe, colleagues, I bespeak only impropriety. And these new, upstart going out. Dear Sally,
woe. The time has long been coming little flames endeavor to supplant Yes. This innocent, Freshman My best friends boyfriend is be-
for the demise of this, our little col- their masters! Ha! Ha oh! My Quester, this small boy signify- ing really weird to me...he keeps
lege on the hill. Long have I dwelled nerves! ing Odysseus, will carry the torch sitting in my room long after shes
upon this moment. Long have I Apollo, what will I do once my against the ever-growing hordes of left and asking me about my trip
hoped the Muse would inspire a song subject without a pedagogy dissolves Resisters, Desisters, the Occident- to Peru. I dont think he knows Im
that might forestall its coming. But into the air, into thin air? What spirits hating. He shall be a candle in the gay, how do I break the news?
come it does, and I assume an atti- to enforce can I thus summon? How wind. Esteemed pupils, I implore
-Gay in Gund
tude most lachrymose. can I rage against the dying of the you to explore your heritage, for it is
My mistress eyes are noth- light cast by the Great Books, the not only your heritage by right, but
ing like the sun, intoned the Bard. light that has guided me through the the heritage of right. Dear Gay in Gund,
And yet my mistress, my sweet lady shadow of the valley of work outside Ignore at your peril. Play with his balls. Then head to
the Cove.
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3

As a part of our ongoing partnership with the Center for Global Engagement, The Kenyon Collegiate is happy to publish an excerpt from the abroad
blog of Rachel Simon 15.

small girl, big world. Just a regular American girl having adventures in pretty much any country!

About Me: My Adventures:

Is there a better word in the English language than
Like 10,000 buildings
adventures? Ive never checked, but probably not,
because look at all the adventures Im having in
whatever country Im in.

Me + Airport:

I am about as white and brunette as a person can be, but

Im also super unique because I like a few gender-neutral Wait, is that a cat!?
television shows and can play Fix You on the piano or
something. But dont let my forthcoming list of humble-
Off I go, can you believe it? Photo cred to my beauti-
brags fool youprevious travel experiences, prolific alco- ful mother, thank you for always supporting me, Ill
hol consumption, and political activism, to name a fewI miss you guys so much, etc.
dont think Im very cool or interesting. I think you can see,
by my frantic self-deprecation, that I am totally not! For
instance, why did I even give in to the mounting social
pressure and make an abroad blog? You just cant fake this food (and a little uh-oh. . .)
kind of adorable self-awareness.

Full body shot in front of monument

Me and my host sister eating a locally-made meal...but EEK! Things can

go comically wrong when youre abroad, just like when youre in regular
places. We both totally got food poisoning.
Out of the country and conventionally atractive:a double

Gossip Squirrel Student With Ounce Of Pot Acting Like Hes Fucking Scarface Or Something Collegiate Staff
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery was then quoted as saying, first, you General Araneus . . . Clifford Seldom
GUND COMMONS Trusted get da Gunderworld, mang. Once The Bus . . . . . Billy Hughes
sources report that Cameron Ber- you get da Gunderworld, you get da Carlos . . .Ricardo Carrigano
nstein 17 has styled himself as a quad. Once you got da quad, den you Kesha . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
ruthless, rural-college drug king- got da respect. Phoebe . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
D.A. . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
pin following the purchase of an Bernstein also has reportedly be- Liz the Lizard . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
ounce of mids. Bernstein purchased gun referring to his AVI companion Tim . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
the marijuana with the money his as my made man, Yung Omelet. Cornelia . . . . . . Tyrone Rosencrantz
parents left him after their visit last After the ceremony, the newly Janet . . . . . . . . . . . .Constance Slurs
Wakey, wakey, Lords and Ladies! weekend, and intends to make crowned Big Bernz aka Bernz Wanda . . . . . . . . . . . . .Kat Schrodinger
The first chill is nearly here but all the the Bier his bitch with the profits Unit aka Mercedes Bernz aka MC Arnold . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ezra Post
gossip is burning up this little rodent derived from its sale. Pierogi made vows that he finna Ralph. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Spark Dickman
on the hill word in the trees is your Bernstein formalized these plans take this place from Mount Vern to Ms. Frizzle . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
caribous been tussling his antlers with Interns: :
by assembling his posse (consist- Mount Everest. Please let this be a normal field trip, Ac-
the doe from down the street. Better go ing of his lab partner, roommate, and Established campus drug dealer
keep him on point. Remember, keep cording to my research, We didnt do this
your den warm and cozy and the crit-
a sympathetic AVI worker) in Peirce Vince Morone 14 shrugged when at my old school. . .
ters will crawl right in. You know you Pub last Thursday evening. informed of this new player in the Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
love me! Bernstein then illustrated his three Kenyon illicit-substance scene, Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
step plan to growing out his op on calling Bersteins attempt cute but legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
xoxo Gossip Squirrel the burgeoning freshman market. He unprincipled. KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO

p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  4