Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 6, Issue 1 September 18, 2013

Sean Decatur To Mom: Everythings Fine

By Jack B. Thimbledon
CROMWELL COTTAGE 19th
Kenyon President Sean Decatur re-
leased a public statement assuring
his mother that his first few weeks of
school were totally fine.
The brief memo is in response
to Mrs. Decaturs unexpected check-
in phone call, which took place last
Tuesday. This conversation appears
to have shaken the newly inaugurated
college president. Sources report that
Decatur rebutted the majority of his
moms questions with vague com-
ments like Okay, Not bad, and It
was fine, I guess.
Decatur, who did not have the
heart to say anything about his crush-
ing workload and mounting pressure
to succeed, told his mother that he
was really confident about enter-
ing his new job. The President also
assured Mrs. Decatur, with a noble
stab at bravado, that her sweet little
note in his lunchbox was the hit of the
lunch table. And all my new friends
really loved your special brownies!
lied Decatur as he unsuccessfully at-
tempted to suppress the memory of
eating all three of his meals in the
The President just getting something in his eye, thats all.
bathroom that day. Witnesses recall
the President went on to tell a ficti-
tious anecdote about bonding with his
fellow administrators over the week-
end. Yeah, we went to this awesome
Registrar party together, explained
Decatur, struggling in vain to conceal
that he had been conspicuously not
invited. It was it was really fun,
Mom.
Decatur also recounted many hi-
larious run-ins with faculty mem-
bers, neglecting to mention that all of
them involved pinching, noogie-ing,
Inside This Issue
Registrar Announces
Drop/Add/Twerk For
Spring 2014
Drake Poster On Your
Wall Making Everyone
Uncomfortable
or pouring chocolate milk on his fa-
vorite shirt. Everyone here is just
so familiar with each other, he mut-
tered weakly, fighting the temptation
to admit to Mrs. Decatur that he was
pushed into a dumpster by Bob Mil-
nikel after walking back to Cromwell
Cottage. Released through the Office Pre-O Soulmates Hitting
of the President, the statement read
Inexplicable Rough Patch
only: Really, Mom, for the millionth
time, everythings fine. Totally fine. In Relationship
Sophomore Wishes His
Cuteness More Fuckable

Freshman Replies To Whats Up With Good
By Kat Schrodinger
MIDDLE PATH Sources confirmed
that Christine Evans 17 called unshak-
able shame and humiliation upon her-
self last Thursday when she replied to
Whats up? with Good. Evans re-
portedly inflicted this act of utter idiocy
on Jacob Frist 17, thus effectively ter-
minating their vague acquaintanceship.
She totally fucking blanked, re-
Evans may later suf-
fer from excessive cat
ownership.
calls Julia Barnes 15. Jacob was all,
Whats up? and she just said, Good,
like a fucking clown. Like, how hard is
it to say Not much, how about you?
Ive literally never seen anything like
that shit. Jesus Christ, the people they
let into this school.
Though Frist did not reply to Ev-
ans humiliating blunder, she correctly
th e k e n yon collegiate
assumed that he was secretly judging
the shit out of her. She remained in a
daze until passing through the doors of
Peirce, though bystanders report that
through her impenetrable catatonia
she was repeatedly muttering, Oh my
God, what the hell is wrong with me,
what have I done.
Further investigation suggests that
the event has invoked a dramatic evolu-
tion in Evans. Yesterday, I asked her
what she was drinking, and she took
eight minutes and twelve seconds to
say water, testifies Annabeth McKee
17, Evans roommate. The single per-
son unfortunate enough to remain asso-
ciated with the newfound social pariah,
McKee also reports that Evans has not
made eye contact with anyone in thirty-
seven hours and in fact has a soulless
gleam in those blue eyes that once were
bright with unbridled optimism.
Continued on page 2.
Teenage First-Year Gang Solves Caples Ghost Mystery
By Ezra Post
CAPLES Sources from the Of-
fice of Housing and Residential Life
verified the successful conclusion of
The Caples Ghost Mystery thanks
to a crew of teenage sleuths. The five
youngsters, all Kenyon first years,
have proven that the spectre behind
numerous disturbing incidents in
Caples Hall has really been a Kenyon
Maintenance worker, Trent Grayson,
donning a costume and breaking into
the building late at night.
We knew it couldnt have been an
actual ghost, explained team-mem-
ber Selma Pinkley 17, but we were
all surprised when it turned out to be
Trent. He was always just so nice.
I would have gotten away with it,
too, snarled Grayson, if not for these
meddling kids, who has now been
turned over to the Knox County Sher-
iffs Office on charges of Breaking and
Entering, Menacing, and Impersonat-
ing an Ectoplasmic Entity. Grayson
has worked for the College since 1980,
repairing the Caples elevator when
breakdowns occur.
Pinkley offered her speculations as to
his motive.
Jinkeys, said the spunky teenage
sleuth, I think he was fed up with
the heavy elevator traffic causing it to
frequently break down. He wanted to
These five youngsters
are just the beginning.
scare kids away from using it.
Caples is only the first building to un-
dergo some much needed detective
work. These five youngsters are just
the beginning, said Cam Ployer, As-
sistant Dean for Residential life, of
our recruitment program targeted at
Continued on page 2.
1
Freshman Already Poised To Network The Living Shit Out Of This Littlte Hilltop College
By Ricardo Carrigano
MCBRIDE RESIDENCE HALL
Sources report that Shaun Johnson
17, a prospective double major in
philosophy and economics, has al-
ready poised himself to network the
living shit out of this little hilltop
college.
The eighteen-year-old from
Bethesda, Maryland first established
his deep desire for professional
contacts when he sent LinkedIn re-
quests to every available address in
the Kenyon directory. In addition,
the business-minded youth deposit-
ed under the door of everyone in the
Freshman Quad a hand-written let-
ter of introduction, to which he at-
tached his CV and updated resume,
as well as an invitation for a weekly
meeting to brainstorm start-ups.
The extended directory, simpered
Johnson on how he accomplished
such a comprehensive feat, is a fine
invention.
Hall-mates and fellow first-years
met Johnsons inquiries with equal
parts speculation and fascination.
We were hanging out in Division
on Saturday, began McBride resi-
dent Herman Richardson 17, and
he kept asking everybody to as-
sess the viability of a Beer Pong
re-rack device. I mean, dont get
me wrong, Id probably buy a mold
that could arrange the cups into the
shape of Hawaii but, dude, lets just
play some pong.
Robin Thicke To Peform Concert On Newly Remodeled Crozier Porch
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
CROZIER In celebration of the
renovations made to the porch of the
Crozier Center For Women, sources
report that Social Board has booked
international pop-star Robin Thicke
to play a special commemorative
concert on the buildings newly re-
modeled porch.
We knew we needed a female-
centric artist for an event like this,
said Social Board co-chair Andrew
Dirkin 14.We feel he was the ob-
vious choice. Who has more girls in
his videos than Robin Thicke? Cro-
ziers all about girls, and were all
about guaranteed action every Fri-
day and Saturday, so hes the per-
fect crossover!
Other acts considered for the
event included fem-folk duo Tegan
and Sara, songstress Fiona Apple,
and all-female Matt and Kim cover
band Kim and Kim. However, Dir-
kin insists that Thicke, along with
an entourage of scantily clad young
ladies, is the most appropriate head-
liner for the show.
We had a ton of good candi-
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Johnson is waiting for you to endorse his interpersonal skills.
Johnsons probing has rever-
berated throughout campus gen-
erally. The teenaged, self-styled
biz-whiz has also developed a ca-
sual caffeine addiction and a fierce
acuity for small talk at the soda
fountain, according to witnesses
in Peirce. AVI workers were flum-
moxed at his well-mannered, curt
yet still affable conversation. I
thought I was master of that game,
sighed Marcy Gilligan, a deli-line
worker, but this kid just put me
right to shame. The Career Devel-
opment Office, so often the culprit
of email after email, found itself
flustered by the sheer number of
electronic transmissions the enter-
prising freshman has already sent.
This guy frightens us, to tell you
the truth, started CDO employee
Gil Ransom, and we dont know if
dates, but at the end of the day, this
show needed some pizzazz, some
flavor, a little danger, a certain je ne
sais quoi said Dirkin. Besides,
he continued, itll be really taste-
ful. These hairless porch-waifs will
be dancing not only on a remodeled
stage great for their heels but
brand new stripper poles that were
very kindly donated by Graham
Gund 63.
No, really! Dirkin pleaded,
despite numerous complaints from
faculty, adminstrators, students, and
community members about the con-
troversial stars scheduled appear-
ance. We are striving to ensure that
hell ever stop sending us requests
for externships.
And it certainly appears that
he will not stop. Over the course
Johnson requested you on
LinkedIn.
of the last four months, Johnson
emailed every Fortune 1000 com-
pany requesting a summer of 2014
internship. Making a correction to
the sixth draft of his four-year plan,
Johnson explained that he is just
trying to get my name out there
and I mean everywhere fast and
early. You know what they say: got-
ta have that gumption!
The in-no-way problematic choice.
this show reflects well on Kenyons
commitment to womens issues.
Thickes nubile cocksockets will be
wearing way more than they did in
his music videowe have leather
collars, diamond-studded cages,
the whole nine yards. Dirkin pro-
ceeded to jumble an explanation
about implied, assertive female
sexuality and maybe theyll move
like Miley but trailed off before he
could complete a sentence.
Look, the point is its gonna be
awesome, muttered Dirkin, bob-
bing his head while mumbling I
know you want it I know you
want it...
Replies, from page 1.
Psychological trauma of this na-
ture, commented Kenyon Professor
of Psychology Gertrude Benson, may
negatively impact Evans future. Ive
seen cases like hers, and they dont
end well. Benson noted that this cata-
strophic moment may lead to friend-
lessness, uncontrollable cat ownership,
and a proclivity to public urination.
When asked for comment, Evans
whispered, Not much, how about you
... I ... not much ... not ... how about you,
not much, how about ...
Team, from page 1.
bringing ghost hunters to Kenyon
Weve always been able to take care
of beds and baths, she continued,
but the beyond has gotten way out of
hand. We knew wed need to bring in
extra help if we ever wanted to make
Kenyon a ghost-free environment.
Ployer hopes to triple the amount
of student-detectives on Campus by
2015. Weve sent out feelers to sev-
eral promising youngsters across the
world. In fact, weve already signed
two gumshoe brothers currently at-
tending Carleton to enroll next semes-
ter as transfers!
Like, were all just like really glad
to be part of, like, Kenyon now, and
to, like, help out, said team-member
Norville Rogers 17. The team prom-
ises not to stop with Caples. The se-
cret to our success, declared Frank
Jones 17, is splitting up. We do our
best work in pairs my suggestion
of course. Im kind of a natural born
leader. So were gonna split up and see
if we can tackle both Old Kenyon and
Hanna next.
PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT
The Kenyon Collegiate
is now accepting
applications for writing
positions.
(No Freshmen Yet)
Email
collegiate@kenyon.edu
for more information.
2
Point/Counterpoint
Dorm Living As Performance notArtmake
Is Anmy Amazing
By Ben Stormflower Johns 16
Of course, of course! It all makes
sense now. All this time Ive been try-
ing to pigeonhole my talent into the
stylistically devoid confines of the
soulless campus gallery. Hahahah, oh,
silly me, silly little Becky. How easily
I fell into that petit-bourgeois sensi-
bility! Painting - feh! A whoresons
trade. Sculpture ha! A drudges
office. Photography oh, vomitious
mimicry. But no, no! My talent cant
be confined by a mere box. Four walls
cannot contain the wall-breaking I am
about to do. I cannot even tell you.
Ive got it and I want to tell you but
if I did I would oversimplify it. Ev-
erything is reduction. Even this. Even
this now. This. Here. Now.
NO! I defy past memories. We
press onward. As I was saying, why
remove my oeuvre from its breeding
ground, its place of genesis why
Thesis
dorm into the art space?
What better way to capture the raw
forces in play, than to have all the
creative effluent of my days diges-
tion accumulate in my own environs?
This my place of life and re-life, my
artistic cloaca comes to bear now.
Yes, I think Ive got it! Storm-
flowers World: Norm and Storm,
Confined by Dorm. A raw,
Abramovician exploration of the
day-to-day sacrifices that go into the
creative process. It shall exceed any
feasible metric of earthly comparison.
My work will consume Voyager. I
will warp all that matters. I will warp
all matter, eschew all manners, dis-
turb the fabric of space and time.
I shall leave the dorm only in spir-
it. My sustenance shall be my work;
my work shall be my sustenance. A
voluntary captivity, an exile in home-
land. I am become negative capabil-
ity. When the last crumbs of Pretzel
chips run out, when the mac-and-
ceese wedges expire under the ruin
of my crusty socks, when my Birken-
stocks disintegrate after spending the
semester in my fish tank then shall
I know. Then.
I shall inhale sturm und drang and
exhale ART. As I have been fond to
say, If you cant bring Buddha to the
mountain, you build a way edgier
mountain in your dorm.
Is That A Turd On My Dresser?
By Mikey Campbell 14
Damn, I think this is the first time
Bens left the room in six days. Does
he even go to class anymore? What-
ever. Hes my option-housing room-
mate, he keeps to himself. This is
what I get for losing a housing point
last year. Senior year and Im stuck
with a Sophomore Performance Art
Synoptic Major. After his presenta-
tion on modern enneui with the
cats and the waffle iron, I thought we
were done, but I guess not. Nope, not
by a long shot.
I just want to take a quick nap be-
fore going out so wait. What the
hell is that on my dresser? Is that a
turd? No way. Its got to be candy or
no, wait, thats shit. Thats a hu-
man coil of refuse on my dresser. Im
not touching that.
At least I didnt set my backpack
down on it. And, hey, its a more than
a few feet from my bed an hold
on just a minute. What did I step in.
What did I step in. Do I even want
to look.
Oh, come on! Its like half Parlia-
ment ash, half human tears. Smok-
ing and crying again. Great. Doesnt
he know this building is infamously
flammable? God dammit, Ben.
Ah, maybe hes having a rough
week. I dont know his life. This is
water, this is water...
But damn, how did this stuff get
so viscous? Whatever it is, its not
coming off my shoe. Ah, jeez, I got
it stuck on my hands now and, woof,
its stinky. Come to think of it, this
whole place reeks. I think Id actu-
ally prefer the desperation-and-Key-
stone scent of the stairs right now.
Anything but this impossible con-
coction of angst and ass.
Pillow time now, just a little bit of
pillow time. Oo, its kinda chilly, I
think Ill bundle up with my okay,
Im pretty sure I didnt write LOST
CAUSE on my hoodie with ketch-
up. Make that ketchup sprinkled
with cinnamon. Okay, thats a nice
effect. Wait, no, no, this isnt okay.
Yeah, you know what, fuck it. I
m going to burn his stuff.
I know the Gund Gallery com-
manded him to break with conven-
tion and all but for all that is decent
and good in this world I dont even.

A Summer In Gambier: Resident Edition

With additional reporting by Tyrone Seldom

Dale Walker, 32. Michael Shiple, 54. Susan Cameron, 51

Summer in Gambier for Dale Walker was quiet as
usual. The 32-year-old Long John Silver man-
ager enjoyed spending his free time swimming or
catching up with old buddies. Walkers job entails
overseeing the staff, making schedules, and inter-
viewing new dishwashers. Although the job may
seem tedious Walker claims that there is a sense of
adventure in his work, many of the new dishwash-
ers dont speak real good English. He went on to
say, we get a lot of drunk people.
One of five area men called in for questioning
about a string of petty thefts, Gambier resident,
Michael Shiple, says his summer was filled with
ups and downs. Being pulled out of your house
at 3 in the morning by the police while your
children look on from their bedroom window is
tough. Shiple teaches third grade and says he is
excited for the new year to start. I worked hard
on my new curriculum and I have the receipts for
all of the classroom supplies, you can check.
Gambier resident Susan Cameron, spent her
summer working hard at the Peoples Bank
of Gambier. When people come in, I help
them. When she wasnt at the bank Susan
spent her time with her husband Gary and
their dog Roosevelt. My husband and I
are thinking about getting an above ground
pool, but, all things considered, we prob-
ably will have to wait until next summer,
bragged Mrs. Cameron.

c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
Features
Kenyon Voices
Seriously? I spent all summer thinking
about what the corner of my map said.
How am I supposed to prove my verbosity
and thoughtfulness now?
Jessica Wah, Slocum High School 14
Craig Just A Goddman Brewmaster
By Ricardo Carrigano
MANNING Sources report that
Craig Trivoli 16 has amazed cam-
pus partygoers with his vast and de-
tailed knowledge of beer and estab-
lished himself as an on-campus beer
expert. The charming sophomore
philosophy major reportedly regaled
the attendees of last weekends all-
campus party at the Delt Lodge with
his insight.
I was just standing to the side,
holding my cup of Keystone, said
Gina Winthrop 15, when this san-
dy-haired guy comes up to me and
takes my drink. At first I thought,
The fuck is your problem, but then
he started telling me all about how
the beer gets from field to cup and,
well, I was just, wow. Keystone,
continued Winthrop with a know-
ing nod, is an American lager with
alcohol content a bit less than most
others of its kind. Craig said that,
plus its triple-chilled filtration pro-
cess, is what gives it that always
smooth, always crisp taste. She
added, blushing, I think Im go-
ing to hook up with him. Hes so, so
knowledgeable.
Since the party on Saturday, stu-
dents have spotted Trivoli spreading
his good news at both campus bars
as well as fraternity division events.
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Citing concerns about introducing barriers to high school seniors, and following moves by Middlebury and Colby Col-
leges, Dean of Admissions Jennifer Delahunty announced this week that Kenyon will remove its supplemental essays
from the Common Application, though many feel the essays allowed students to express themselves beyond test scores.
What do you think?
I got a 34 on my ACT , a 2350 on my Now I can live out my lost dream of at-
SAT, and I had a 3.99. If anyones asking. tending Middlebury! Go Panthers!
Kyle Fautz 17 Peter Einsendel 16
Freshman Unsure Just Where ToNowell
By Col. Elton P. Dramerdy
Check His Privilege
continued on, saying he
GUND COMMONS Sources re- feels that coming from a family of
port that freshman Gordon Nowell means actually means he faces more
III 17 is having difficulty locating challenges than families on financial
where he is supposed to check his aid.
Trivolis favorite beer, according
privilege. The Manhattan eighteen- Everyone whose Daddy hasnt
to those who have attended his im-
year-old arrived on campus with big done college before has a REACH
promptu sessions, is a tie between
plans and a freshly loaded K-Card, guide showing them around, he ar-
Bud Light Platinum and Natural
ready to really build some con- gued, yet Im a double legacy and
Light. Sources report his teachings
nects during his time at school. I have to read a map just to find out
have even gained a small following
Unfortunately, Nowell reports where my servant is going to take
of students who now also weigh the
meeting a huge inconvenience dur- my dry-cleaning.
relative merits of their party bever-
ing his first moments on campus.I Not one to give up so easily, the
ages.
was chatting up this cute sophomore perplexed teen vowed to continue
There are all these kids asking
in line at Wiggin Street Coffee, looking for the privilege check-
me if I know the provenance of the
said Nowell, and Im like I dont in site. I figure Ill give it the old
Yingling on tap, reported Village
see why full pay-students dont get college try, he shared as he tried a
Inn bartender Randy Ghent, and
their own special housing since new search query for the site on his
telling me the wonders of a fine foam
were like, keeping the place afloat. I iPhone 5s global positioning sys-
head.
shouldnt have to spend the year liv- tem.
Not all, however, find the eager-
ing in a Gund double that smells like
to-educate sophomore very amusing. Collegiate Staff
cat piss.
Its like, dude, said senior biology
I mean, really, explained a gen-
major Travis Benjamin, enough
uinely puzzled Nowell, fifty-four Rerun . . . Clifford Seldom
already about how you knew where
thousand a year would get me two Peppermint Patty. . . . . . Billy Hughes
the hops grew in this Blue Moon I Marcie . . .Ricardo Carrigano
bedrooms in the Lower East side. All
get it, youve got a discerning palate, Sally . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Im saying is I dont see why I cant
wonderful. Benjamain speculates Schroeder . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
have my own cottage in Gambier. Lucy . . . . Jack B. Thimbledon
Trivoli probably jacks off to a Za-
Itd be great if it were near the local Joe Cool . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
gat guide. Spike. . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
links, too, but what can you do.
When informed about such de- Pig-Pen. . . . . . . Tyrone Rosencrantz
His interlocutor reportedly then
tractors, Trivoli gave a nonchalant Woodstock. . . . . . . . . . . . .Constance Slurs
gave Dramerdy his first real college Franklin. . . . . . . . . . . . . .Kat Schrodinger
shrug. To those who have ears to
challenge. She just looks at me and Linus. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ezra Post
hear, he began with ringing author- Violet. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Spark Dickman
huffs, check your privilege.
ity, listen to my words on the won- Snoopy . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
I was flummoxed, he said,
ders of beer, rejoice, and be glad!
since I didnt remember that part of Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Orientation. So I asked her where I Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
might do that and she just stormed
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
off. Totally unhelpful!
4