Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 3, Issue 6 November 10, 2010
Inside This Issue
BREAKING: Middle
Path Bench, New Apts
Freshman Girl Offended
by This Headline
Indigenous Peoples Soci-
ety Targeted by American
Studies in 2015 Expan-
sion Efforts
Sophomore Desperately
Hoping You Ask About
His Fraternity
Student Group Forgets to
Post #RespectfulDiffer-
ence Picture, Attacked for
Non-Conformity
Heaping Pile of Money to Speak at Commencement I Probably Hate You
by Showtime Henderson
RANSOM HALL -- In 1982, cre-
ator, holy father, and abstract artist
The Lord Almighty Yahweh gave the
commencement speech for Kenyons
graduating class over the hum of cica-
das. But for one graduate, it was not
the first time he had heard advice from
Yahweh. That graduate was Yahwehs
son, Jesus Horatio Christ 82.
Inviting commencement speakers
who have a personal connection to
Kenyon is not unusual. Continuing
that tradition this year is $240,000 in
Neatly-Stacked Twenty Dollar Bills,
who will give the commencement
address this May to Kenyons Class
of 2015, which includes Moneys
daughter, Bitcoin 15.
Anyone in the Kenyon community
may nominate potential commence-
ment speakers; the faculty-comprised
Commencement Speaker Selection
Committee then decides whether to
accept or reject the nominations. The
final list is taken to President Sean
th e k e n yon collegiate
The Archives Issue
Fall Foliage Provides Scenic Backdrop for Students Descent Into Alcoholism
by Sidney Applebaum
OLD KENYON The college com-
Jake Willoughby 17, a newly de-
clared Religious Studies major from
Providence, Rhode Island, has been
enjoying Gambiers fall foliage more
than ever as it provides a scenic back-
drop for his slow, painful descent into
alcoholism.
Everyone always talks about how
Kenyon is beautiful in the fall, but this
year in particular has been spectacu-
lar, Willoughby commented over a
double gin and tonic at 10:00 in the
morning. The reds, the oranges, the
green absinthe fairyit really makes
you understand the powerful connec-
tion that we all feel to this place.
Willoughby added that the impres-
sive performance of Gambier trees
has perfectly complemented the early
onset of his battle with alcoholism,
and that the tranquility of the natural
world comforts him with every un-
even step.
Decatur, who has the final say in the
selection.
Decatur explained that Money
was a candidate who had expensive
knowledge to share with graduates.
I think Money does a good job
embodying what it is that were all
searching for in this life, Decatur
said. Im excited to hear about the
various things one can accomplish
with a heaping pile of money.
The Kenyon Collegiate was able to
get a brief interview with Money dur-
ing its last visit.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$, Money said,
adding that $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
I mean, Im not saying that being
a raging alcoholic makes me appreci-
ate this season any more that the av-
erage student, Willoughby explained
as he downed his second lunchtime
beer because it was Wednesday and
he deserved it. But I am saying that,
like, the world is complex, you know?
by Cara Bellweather 15
GAMBIER -- In the last several
weeks, the Kenyon community has
weathered reports of harassment
through the anonymous iPhone app
Yik Yak, along with possibly-related
theft. Our campus has also suffered
vandalism involving probably-human
feces. Amidst these complicated and
often polarizing issues, it can be easy
to forget what being a Kenyon stu-
dent is all about.
Some students, luckily, have put
forth messages of kindness and re-
spect. By standing on the side of rea-
son, of rational discourse, they are
exemplifying humanist values. They
are promoting campus community
and empathy.
I, on the other hand, wish to make
it clear that I probably hate you.
Its nothing against you. Its just
pretty likely that youre horrible, in
one of an endless parade of ways. You
Willoughby enjoys the scenic Kenyon October.
And we all have all of these different
religions and like, whos to say, you
know? Also, leaves.
Willoughbys friends added that
his love of fall, as well as his inco-
herent ramblings and loudly shouted
Continued on page 2.
dont even have to be exceedingly
horrible, like, shit-on-somebodys-
art-project horrible -- you just have to
be horrible enough.
For example: do you talk to your
friends by the dish carousel, making
me wait so long that I cant hold my
breath anymore? Youre forcing me
to smell that dishy-washy-soggy-
foody smell, and I hate you. Do you
meet my eyes on Middle Path and in-
stantly avert your gaze, even though
Continued on page 2.
1
N o t e s Fr o m A b r o a d
I Am Actually Very Lame, Narrow-Minded, and Cowardly
by Kayleigh Fwomp
Like any white girl from an in-
sular and well-to-do background,
I really wanted to go abroad to find
previously untested courage within
myself and have meaningful experi-
ences with people who are different.
Well, after a crazy few months here
in beautiful Kbenhavn, I can tell
you that my amazing journey of self-
discovery has yielded the knowledge
that I am actually just really judg-
At least I knew when to
quit: shortly after see-
ing the worlds most un-
derwhelming mermaid
statue.
mental, easily frightened, and boring.
Probably my biggest international
accomplishment to date was to find
a Starbucks in this labyrinthine, cob-
bled nightmare and order a Prmkyn
Sptz latte without just fucking cry-
ing. In fact, I am so far from integrat-
ing into this new culture that I cant
even bring myself to curl up in my
bed and watch actual Danish Netflix.
Nope, I close the blinds, turn on Hola,
Turns Out They Speak English in New Mexico After All
by Barb Lardlarp
Greetings from the majestic city
of Albuquerque! First of all, thanks
so much for the well-wishes readers
sent in after my article two weeks
ago. After some tests, the doctor de-
termined that I was feeling under the
weather because of an annelid that
was in my Jose Cuervo (a delicious
local liquor made from pressed agave
plants). The worm should work itself
out of my body naturally, so all is
well in that department.
Today Id like to address some-
thing thats been bothering me since
I got here: Im starting to think that
the national language of New Mexico
isnt actually Spanish.
As a sophomore, I was always set
on spending my abroad semester in a
Spanish-speaking country, and when
I found this border studies program,
I knew it was the one for me. Classes
based in a country just like Mexico,
but more modern? Sign me up, por
favor!
Id been preparing for the lan-
guage barrier all summer in all the
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue befo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Fwomp pictured expanding her horizons.
and binge-watch How I Met Your
Mother while the whole wide world
of not-America sits unexplored out
my window.
Do I feel kinda bad? Of course.
But like, what are your choices? You
can hate yourself for going on the hop
on/hop off bus tour, or you can use
your three Danish nouns to get your-
self into a bar where everyone else
Barb charming a local.
usual wayswatching Sofia Vergara
interviews, practicing speaking with
Spanish Siri, and so on. But on my
first day, when I ordered dinner at an
organic roadside food stand called
Taco Bell, the cashier didnt seem
to understand me until I forced my-
self to speak in English. She seemed
to take great pride in her New Mexi-
can identity, saying, I was born in
this country, why would you assume I
speak Spanish?
Nearly everyone Ive encountered
has been puzzlingly Anglo-centric.
One of my professors asked me to
rewrite an essay because this is an
English literature class, you have
to do more than just conjugate the
hates you. At least I knew when to
quit: shortly after seeing the worlds
most underwhelming mermaid statue,
and before anyone could try to swin-
dle me into going on twelve different
day trips to somewhere else dumb.
Even when I try to explore other
new places, I carry the weight of my
complete inability to transcend my
comfort zone along with my four
Vera Bradley suitcases. And frankly,
I think we need to open ourselves to
the possibility that some countries are
just doing it wrong. Is there anyone
more aggressively reluctant to use
the English they totally know than
the French? Is there anywhere more
profoundly, irritatingly old than the
Czech Republic? And can we not all
agree that England is basically just
Americas shitty grandma?
I suppose its valuable to know
these faintly disturbing things about
myself now, but I have two more
months in which to linguistically
and culturally embarrass myself and
frankly, Im not sure Im up for it. I
just wish I had known about my utter
distaste for new experiences before I
started a separate blog, Twitter, and
Instagram account.
verb drink, even if your papers
about Hemingway. Also, my host
mom keeps insisting her name is
Rachel, not Raquel, and that shes
not ashamed of her heritage, but her
family is Swedish, not Mexican. Kind
of crazy the lengths people can go to
deny their true New Mexican roots.
All this got me wondering: had
New Mexico been annexed by the
United States without my realizing?
Everyone Ive asked keeps giving me
strange looks, and when I contacted
Marne Ausec to make sure there
wasnt a coup or something, all she
said was, FOR THE LAST TIME,
YOU DO NOT NEED A NEW
PASSPORT. PLEASE FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD STOP CALLING
ME. So thats a dead end.
Youre probably reading this in
Peirce, so I hope Im not making any-
one jealous when I say I have to cut
this short because Im spending the
evening exploring a charming local
bodega called Safeway. Ive heard
that they have both wine and fresh
produce, a true rarity in a developing
nation.
From Foliage, page 1.
profanities, is classic Jake.
Jake is so fun and cool, noted
close friend Paige Garrison 17. He
pissed in my trash can and then we
went apple picking!
Willoughby also mentioned that
he expects the remainder of the fall
months to be the most exciting stage
of his addiction yet.
There are so many wonderful
experiences that I havent yet taken
advantage of, he said as he filled his
flask with the moonshine he made
in the Manning kitchen sink. For
example, Ive never been to a corn
maze, nor have I ever rolled around
in a pile of leaves that were actually
my own vomit.
However, for the time being, Wil-
loughby plans to enjoy this falls exu-
berant frondescence in the only way
that he knows how: butt naked, lying
in the back of a pickup truck parked
by the Kokosing River.
From Hate You, page 1.
just last night you were all, Oh my
God, Cara, lets hang out sometime?
I hate you. Do you adjust your thick-
rimmed glasses while gushing about
Jonathan Franzens The Corrections?
Youre a parody of yourself, and I
hate you.
Now, dont get me wrong. I dont
go around trying to hate everyone.
Its just that when I sift through the
people on this campus, I find it hard
to keep out all the toxic waste that
most likely includes you. Sometimes
I get all optimistic about somebody,
but its always a letdown. Inevita-
bly, they go and say some shit like,
Hashtag TFM, or Are you insult-
ing otherkin? or A cappella is real
music, and Im just like, goddammit,
I fucked up, I fucked up, Cara, you
fucked up again.
Some people say that my standards
are too high, or that I have no
friends, or that Im a huge asshole,
but well. Lets just say this: some
people think that every stranger is
just a friend youre waiting to meet.
I, on the other hand, have seen people
biking on that shoestring-thin side-
walk between Peirce and Crozier.
Biking. If youre one of those fucking
nutjobs, I am perfectly happy with
stranger being your only definition
in my life.
Im not saying we couldnt have a
conversation. Im just saying that if
I were around you for any period of
time longer than maybe a day, one of
us would be dead. You know who it
would be.
2
Point/Counterpoint
I Totally Understand Finnegans Wake I Didnt Mean Anything at All
by Stephen Allen 14
After careful examination of the first and
last chapters of Finnegans Wake while
fighting an acidic hangover the day be-
fore this essay was due, I have come to
the conclusion that the book is a com-
plex metaphor for the cyclical nature of
the universe.
As were all aware, the book begins
in the middle of a sentence: riverrun,
past Eve and Adams. Rivers are full of
water, the habitat of our planets original
life forms, while Adam and Eve are the
primordial humans. Clearly, their place-
ment next to the aquatic symbol of pri-
mordial life represents their ties to the
earliest life forms, cementing Joyces
place among the earliest adherents to
evolution theory. Additionally, the rever-
sal of the usual order of the names - Eve
and Adam rather than Adam and Eve
- proves that Joyce was an early femi-
nist, placing woman before man. There-
fore, Joyce proves to us that not only are
we going back to the beginning, but that
nothing remains the same, even though
it may look similar.
Following the riverrun, we learn that
we are moving from swerve of shore to
bend of bay, brings us by a commodius
vicus of recirculation. The alliteration
Joyce employs is the first hint at the cir-
cular nature of life, the universe, and ev-
erything. This cyclical nature brings us
Kenyon Ghost Insists He Goes Here
by Khaytelynne Hwight
GUND RESIDENCE HALL -- Ad-
ministrators are baffled by a campus
ghost who refuses to accept his own
death. The ghost, who claims to be a
current first-year named Chris, has
been clinging to his collegiate life
with the fervor of a second-semester
senior who never heard back from
that close family friend and missed
every grad school deadline.
Seriously, guys, I go here, said
Chris for the hundredth time. My
Chris shook his pale, undead
fists from the extra bed Re-
slife forgot to remove.
parents already paid tuition, as you
can see from these extensive records
containing my high school tran-
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.ed u 3
by a commodius vicus which clearly
represents an overlarge yet invented
space that Joyce employs to remind
readers that he is comfortable bending
the rules. This invented item recircu-
lates to Howth Castle and Environs,
showing us that as we move swiftly
through the history of the world as rep-
resented by the riverrun, we will always
end up back in monarchy. This is clearly
Joyces way of hiding his progressive
nature under a nod to the current state of
affairs in his country.
Finally, the book brings us into this
swiftly moving world at the end of the
novel, writing a way a lone a last a
loved a long the. All of these words
can be combined with the article a to
become new words: away, alone, a(t)
last, along. Aloved is not a word, but
if we simply move one letter over in the
The alliteration Joyce em-
ploys is the first hint at the
circular nature of life...
alphabet, it becomes beloved, which is
Joyces way of ensuring that only those
who pay attention will get his meaning.
Together, these words show how Joyce
believes we will all end up before div-
ing back into the primordial river - away,
alone, beloved, and at last, along the riv-
errun
script, social security number, and
recent Neopets activity.
Based on his dated gaming habits
and affinity for Charmed, I place the
ghost roughly in pre-2008, said ar-
chival assistant Jenny Lipman, who is
leading the investigation into Chriss
death following his appearance on
campus during first-year orientation.
Since then, Chris has haunted Gund
105 almost daily.
I do frequent the place where I
live, so I guess you could say its a
haunt, said Chris with the bitterness
of one who no longer knows earthly
pleasure.
Andy Steinberg, the sole living oc-
cupant of Gund 105, was noticeably
shaken. He just kinda drifts in when- from the extra bed Reslife forgot to
ever he feels like it. I mean, I get that
this is a friendly campus, but there
should be a line between this world
by James Joyce
very drunk and sat at my plifal
typewriter and parry-narry put
words on a page. Then I vomited
profusely and tried to remember
what the fuck a vicus is, because I
had typed it. Later I remembered
that a vicus is something from Ro-
man history but I had a horrible
acidic hangover nendingwen, and
got a certain sadistic delight from
contemplating the terswhit confu-
sion of my contrite readers: so I
didnt change it although it was
sure to trip them up, but then I
frequently trip mothers carrying
babies so this is comparatively
better. My editor turned up at door
while I was in bed and my lovely
gassy farting antelope of a Nora
was at board and he demanded to
know where my latest book was
so I showed him the hertoo sym-
bols upon the leaf I had put there
a n d
and the next.
Chris shook his pale, undead fists
remove. Dude, you literally mes-
saged me over the summer to coor-
dinate quilt patterns. AND IM TAK-
in my haze because that sheet
was only slightly vomit-stained.
He insisted I start with a sen-
tence that had a capital and verbs
and all and I said fuck you.
Anyway I hangwhile contin-
ued the story and quite enjoyed
being an asshole because I was
angry with my drywast fucking
editor but Nora the pudgy goddess
needed a roof to live underneath:
eventually I got to the end but for-
I had a horrible acidic
hangover nendingwen,
and got a certain sa-
distic delight from con-
templating the terswhit
confusion of my contrite
readers...
got the sentence thing, I became
very drunk again and thought, til-
pynoodiggish, of random words
that seemed like they might fit but
was too drunk to put them where
they went so instead I left them
at the end. Next morning another
acidic hangover (arraarratirbim-
bimbanbock!) so I forgot to fix it
and gave it to the editor: he called
it better than nothing. Still
laughing illily at the idiots who
will assume it was purposeful:
need more whiskey so I can be
ING VITAMIN D SUPPLEMENTS
OKAY.
When asked if the College would
be taking exorcismal action against
Chris, Ghostbuster-in-Residence P.F.
Kluge grumbled something about the
Mulligan and fell back asleep.
Awards, Accolades & Games
Collegiate Wins Collegian Journalism Award
by Showtime Henderson
BFEC OBSERVATORY - Editor-in-
Chief Kat Schrodinger announced
Monday that the Kenyon Collegiate
would be inventing, nominating itself
for, and receiving the Collegian Jour-
nalism Award.
We saw that the Collegian invent-
ed an award for themselves, Schro-
dinger told the audience at the annual
Collegiate first-year hunt and gala.
So we thought, why not invent one
for ourselves?
Schrodinger added that the award
is both very shiny and probably
pretty prestigious, before turning her
opening address to the matter at hand.
Now lets nab us some first-
years! she said, closing her remarks.
Other members of the staff voiced
much enthusiasm for the coming
award.
I think we all work really hard
here at this paper, sports editor Dal-
las Hernandez said. And a big shiny
piece of metal that says we matter
is going to go splendidly with the
blood of the first-years were about to
KENYON PRINTERS: THE CROSSWORD
Can You Tell Bad from Worse?
(answer key on pg. 6)
pl ea se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
slaughter.
My self-esteem was pretty low
when I saw that the Collegian was
nominated for a fake award and we
werent, opinions editor Matches
Malone said. But when I heard that
we made one up for ourselves, I was
thrilled. Now I can mercilessly skin
all the freshmen I want without wor-
rying about whether or not people
IN BRIEF
New Health Center to
Replace Staff with Magic
think Im a tal- 8 Balls
ented satirical
journalist. by Khaytelynne Lardlarp
When the
Collegian made HEALTH CENTER -- Spokes-
up an award woman Enya Entwhistle announced
and named it this Wednesday that the health center
after our pa- staff is to step down, effective im-
per, it was a mediately, to be replaced by a fully-
blatant slap to trained roster of Magic 8 Balls. The
our face, staff hiring shift is due in part to student
writer Nigel reports of 8 Ball diagnoses that
Platoon said. are roughly 87% more accurate, with
Tonight, a 54% fewer false pregnancy positives
night already than before.
bound to be Thomas Kernel 16 has only posi-
sweet with tive things to say about the new staff.
young flesh, When I went in because of my hem-
was made orrhoids, the reply was hazy, so I
much sweeter by the news of our tried again later. The second opinion
sweet, sweet revenge. was It is decidedly so and Outlook
Before any other members of good. I was a little dubious, but I
this award-winning paper could be didnt do anything about them, and
reached for questions, Col. Elton P. Im only pooping blood a few times a
Dramadery sounded the official Ke- week now, so thats good, right?
nyon Collegiate shofar and the hunt When reached for comment, the
began. Health Center responded, My reply
God help you, freshmen. is no.
Snake Found In New Apts
Hopes For NCA Next Year
by Nigel Platoon
An Eastern Garter snake captured by
Campus Safety yesterday has since
been reclaimed by housemates. A
safety officer found the snake under
the sink in a New Apt kitchen. When
asked what it was doing there, the
snake allegedly replied, You win
some, you lose some.
The Garter snake applied for NCA
themed housing earlier this year,
only to be rejected by Housing and
Res Life. Reportedly, Res Life found
that the snakes request did not ne-
cessitate a North Campus Apartment,
but rather a standard terrarium.
Despite a poor lottery number
and the outrageous amount of time
it took to slither to the KAC, the
snake managed to score a New Apt
single at this years housing lottery.
The snake has been living there with
three other students.
At first I thought we didnt have
a fourth housemate, Cindy Collins
16 says. But then it started using
the shower fairly regularly.
Collins and her housemates have
brought the snake back to its dingy
single, where it has been sulking in a
desk drawer.
4
 Dad Refusing to Leave
After Parents Weekend
by Laslo Mandelcorn
OLIN LIBRARY Phil Shapiro,
parent of Max Shapiro 15, has been
found hiding out in third floor Chalm-
ers, buried in a copy of the sociology
text Seeing Ourselves. Camouflaged in
khakis, converse, a checkered button
down shirt and unshaven scruff, no one
had yet noticed he was not a student.
Shapiro defended his actions, ex-
claiming, The classes are fascinating -
Anna Sun is so articulate, its like being
taught by Terri Gross! This is nothing
like Penn State in 1976. Shapiro shift-
ed in his beanbag before continuing to
describe his own college experience:
My Intro to Sociology class was in
an auditorium with over a hundred stu-
dents, and the aging professor squinted
his way through statistics about the in-
crease of minorities in Philadelphia.
Shapiro swished the dragon fruit
juice in his Peirce cup, adding, You
know what my dining hall called in-
ternational? Beef stroganoff. I like that
AVI likes to mix things up! When was
the last time my wife made something
like Vada Pav? Shapiro paused in in-
dignation, and then added forlornly,
Never, thats when.
When asked about his long time
plans, Shapiro indicated that wholly
impressed by Saturdays Cabaret,
he planned to see if the Kokosingers
would accept him as a late addition.
Listen, I already look great in a suit
jacket and khakis, he explained, and
I love the Drifters as much as the next
guy.
As a female student rounded the
corner, Shapiro discussed another ben-
efit of being at Kenyon. The young
women here are very interesting. Much
like my wife, they wear scarves and big
glasses, they talk about Scandal, and
they complain about the high cost of
bras Here his voice trailed off, and
he mumbled in a low voice he believed
to be inaudible, just in a younger,
more supple, less angry way. Sensing
his remark was louder than intended,
Shapiro looked up with imploring eyes,
and pleaded: Ill go back this week-
end. Just dont tell my wife Im not in
Chicago. Please.
C olle g iate@kenyon.e d u 5
Sophomore Girl Goes Gluten-Free, Saves Multiple Glutens
by Sidney Applebaum
GAMBIER -- In a turn of events that
has been praised by students and
professors alike, Sarah Spiegelberg
17 has saved multiple glutens by
going gluten-free.
When I got to Kenyon, I noticed
that there were gluten-free options
available, but there wasnt much in
the way of open dialogue about the
gluten issue. Even though I do not
have a medical gluten intolerance
myself, I chose to go gluten-free to
raise awareness and start a campus-
wide conversation about the plight
of glutens everywhere.
At press time, Spiegelberg esti-
mated that her decision had already
saved four, possibly five glutens.
She also emphasized that going glu-
ten-free is part of a wider movement Spiegelberg appreciating the true plight of the glutens, feeling deep compassion.
for peace and mutual understanding.
What I want people to under- At press times, Spiegelberg Only time will tell if Spiegel-
stand is that this is not a political berg manages to effect meaningful
issue -- its an ethical issue, Spie- estimated that her decision
change within the Kenyon commu-
gelberg insisted. Every time you had already saved four, pos- nity, but for now, she is optimistic
eat a Peirce cookie, you are part of sibly five glutens. about the future of her endeavor.
the problem, and we as a community In the words of Kurt Cobain, we
want to be members of the genera-
need to come together and address have to be the change we want to see
tion that ends it once and for all.
these issues. in the world, she said emphatically.
When I crawl into bed at night,
Spiegelberg also added that AVI And I dont want to live in a world
I lie awake haunted by the tears of
has indicated their willingness to where glutens are victimized just
underprivileged glutens, Spiegel-
work with her and the new student for being glutens. You dont have
berg explained. This suffering can-
group she is forming, which Spie- to agree with me, you just have to
not continue. I wont let it continue.
gelberg describes as a coalition of show some goddamn compassion.
The Peirce panini press is a murderer
like-minded individuals who have Isnt that what Kenyon is all about?
and a bigot.
seen the horrors of glutenization and
Sophomore Online Shopping for Third Consecutive Hour
by Phil Tippett
OLIN LIBRARY - In an event sports
fans are describing as bold and
showing great hustle, Sophomore
Katie Patrone is attempting an en-
durance event most student athletes
wouldnt dream of: online shopping.
The Collegiates sports staff caught
up with Katie in the third hour of her
marathon effort.
Katie reportedly started out steady
and strong, the night before a huge
paper was due, with a beginning rit-
ual shes got down to science. Like
most pro athletes, Katie is supersti- think my time trial last month when I ratio of 4:1 and only three sentences
written of her paper, which is worth
tious, always starting her routines in
a specific way. Katie has a click-to-buy 25% of her grade.
I keep walking past her to go to
Of course, I always have to have ratio of 4:1 and only three
my lucky credit card on me. And the bathroom, and shes still shop-
sentences written of her ping, says classmate Holly Gohard-
then after that, I need to start me-
thodically I mean, you dont just paper... ly. Ive been working on this paper
for weeks.
go straight to Nasty Gal without a
scan of Forever 21. You dont want had to buy a dress for DKE formal in In response, Katie said, You
a crunch really prepared me for what think its a game, bitch? You think
to overexert yourself right from the
get-go. Im attempting today. its a fucking game?
Katies stats are strong: with over The Collegiate is proud to report
In preparation for this milestone
event, Katie explains, Ive relent- three hours, 324 webpages visited on this record-breaking event in
and 59 items in-cart across 7 differ- sports history and wishes Katie light
lessly trained throughout the semes-
ter in hopes of building up my en- ent websites, she is really going in fingers and a heavy purse.
durance and maximizing efficiency. I for the kill. Katie has a click-to-buy
Professor Ends Email With Ellipsis Just to Fuck With You
by Kat Schrodinger
FINN HOUSE -- Sources report that
Professor P.F. Kluge was spotted
last Tuesday in his office, giggling
to himself, as he replied to your re-
cent email regarding his office hours
availability. Earlier that morning,
you spent sixteen minutes crafting
a polite, intelligent-sounding letter,
roughly a page in length. However,
Kluge reportedly responded to your
email with a total of nine words, end-
ing with nothing less than an ellipsis.
Transcript follows:
Joanie, yes, I could meet with you
at eleven ... [sic]
Freshman Girl, Senior Boy Make Hilarious Joke About Laxa-
tives in Peirce Food
by Slick Henderson
PEIRCE HALL, 6:32pm - Sources
confirm that both Abigail Sneevely
18 and Strom Turpen 15 delighted
their respective dining hall tables
with a joke about Peirce food being
filled with laxatives, a joke that was
heralded as inspired and breath-
takingly original.
In this rare cosmic occurrence,
both Sneevely and Turpen recount-
ed the same mindblowingly unique
combination of words at the exact
same moment. Professor of Physics
and Happenstance Cosmetology Joel
Barnett calculated the likelihood of
an event like this occurring at one in
one-hundred trillion.
Its absolutely stupendous, Bar-
nett said. My only hope is that all
Crossword Solution
Th e K e n yon Collegiate
Kluge, a multi-published author
whose work Kirkus Reviews has
described as heartfelt, funny and
poignant, is reportedly well aware
of the tone that an ellipsis adds to
a sentence. According to Punctua-
tion Expert-in-Residence Samantha
Lineberger, ellipses [...] although
orthographically used to represent an
omission in a text, can also create a
tone of aggravation, passive aggres-
sion, or even exasperation. In text-
message format, they are occasion-
ally used to lethal effect, resulting in
an average of four deaths per year.
When asked to explain his actions,
Kluge said, Hee hee hee hee hee.
those in attendance appreciate what
they bore witness to.
It should be noted that this is nei-
ther students first foray into comedy
on the hill. Rather, both are well-
known for an avant-garde style of
humor across campus. Turpen can
often be seen holding court on
the South lawn, entertaining his
fellow teammates with enrichingly
witty remarks about how Kenyons
female population dont meet [his]
standards. Meanwhile, Sneevely
can be found inducing rib-aching
laughter with bits on Kenyons lack-
luster sports programs at local open
mic nights.
Arts & Politics
President Decatur Admits He Doesnt Know What the Provost Does
by Slick Dave
RANSOM HALL -- At a board
meeting earlier this week, President
Sean Decatur told trustees that he has
no idea what the provost does. The
topic arose when board member Rob-
ert Jones asked the president if new
provost Joe Klesner was doing a good
job. Decatur replied, I am going to
be completely honest, I am not sure
what that word means. I was under
the impression that a provost was one
of those guys who helps you choose
wine pairings at a fancy restaurant. I
am now starting to believe that is not
the case.
After the meeting Jones was quot-
ed saying, I thought it was odd when
during the interview process the
president kept pronouncing provost
with a silent v. Now it all makes a
lot more sense.
When the board was searching for
a new provost, Decatur would re-
portedly sit in the back of the room,
stay quiet, and adjust his glasses. The
president claims he did this because
people usually mistake his incompre-
hension for nerdy charm.
President Decatur has since been
made aware of the provosts responsi-
bilities. He says that if he had known,
he would not have been so grossly of-
fended when Oberlin offered him that
position.
At the end of the day, board mem-
ber Brian Gibson took responsibil-
I am going to be com-
pletely honest, I am not
sure what that word
means.
ity for the confusion. Gibson said,
This one is on the board. We should
not have assumed that someone with
such a high pedigree in chemistry and
education would know the meaning
of the word provost.
Collegiate Staff
Stone Age . . . Sheridan Whiteside
Roaring Twenties . . . . . Diesel Jackson
Atomic Age . . . . . . . . Gordelo 3000
Fin-De-Siecle . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Industrial Revolution . . . . . Ed Strictly
Pleistocene Era . . . . . Granny Hayes
Asuka Period . . . . . Esteban Sinclaire
The Renaissance . . . Dingo Rockefeller
The Gilded Age . . . . . . Jean Shortz
The Cold War . . Beauregard Beauregard
Protestant Reformation . . Clams Casino
Holocene Epoch . . . . Roy McKluskin
The Dreamtime . . . . Helga G. Pataki
The Nineties . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
The Dark Ages . . . Gunderson Threeply
The Old Kingdom . . . . Boat Thorpe
Age of Oil . . . . . . . Elgin Marbles
Reconstruction . . Barker D. Fluglehorn
Age of Discovery . . Ming Shei Huarez
Interns . . . . . . . 1927, 1952, 730bc,
1013bc, 1824, 2003, 51300bc, 212, 2009
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
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