Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
Vol. 5, Issue 8 February 28, 2013
Nugent To Travel Exclusively By Peirce Tray As Part of Green Initiative
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
MIDDLE PATH Sources within
the Office of the President report that
S. Georgia Nugent will now travel ex-
clusively by Peirce tray as part of a
college-wide green initiative.
A statement released on the Ken-
yon Newsroom website cited envi-
ronmental concerns as the primary
reason for the 18th College Presi-
dents drastic change in transport.
The makeshift sled, locally sourced
from Peirce dining hall, will replace
the Presidents current vehicle, a Mini
Cooper in British Racing Green.
A spokesperson for the President
acknowledged the shift was certain-
ly dramatic, but emphasized the of-
fices faith in the move, pointing spe-
cifically to the sleds 1349% smaller
carbon footprint than any available
automobile. College administrators
received the news with warm confi-
dence.
Provost Nayef Samhat praised his
colleagues decision to lead by ex-
ample. He projected that this act will
cement the colleges status as a stan-
dard-bearer of eco-friendly policies.
Hika Successfully Repels Chinese Hackers Junior to Sleep 384 Consecutive Hours Over Break
By Bean Fenrick
SUNSET COTTAGE An in-depth
report released by LBIS Helpline last
Monday revealed that in the last four
months, Chinese hackers have persis-
tently attacked HIKA, Kenyon Col-
leges oldest and most prestigious liter-
ary publication.
The editorial staff was mystified
when ninety-four new pieces appeared
in the ACCEPTED folder on the HIKA
google drive, including poems such
as Unity is Strength, Praise Yanan,
Song of the Military and Political Uni-
versity of Resistance Against Japan,
and a linked sestina sequence eulogiz-
ing Lei Feng.
I mean, I figured someone down
the line had made some bad calls. Who
could forget the polar bear erotica that
we accidentally let in last year? com-
mented Tracy Campbell 13, one of the
two editors-in-chief.
th e k e n yon collegiate
Although Kenyons hilly topogra-
phy makes the sled ideal for campus
travel, it can also be hitched to eight
members of the American Studies de-
I saw her zipping along chirp-
ing Im the Queen of the
Trays! as she went.
partment to cover longer distances.
The sled, christened Nugebud,
has already created substantial buzz
among students and faculty. Wow!
said first-year Conrad Ballantine in
It was only after a barrage of emails
sent to allstu with the heading Rise
Up, Comrades! that LBIS Helpline
realized what was going on.
I thought he was sending those!
Campbell said. I thought she was
sending those! said co-Editor-in-chief
Kris Faar 13, with a laugh.
When asked why they might have
been targeted, Faar commented that
he thought it was JUST POSSIBLE
that a global citizen of the 21st century
just MIGHT have heard of KENYON
COLLEGEs premier literary publica-
tion.
Campbell reflected that people of-
ten underestimate the cultural finesse
of the Orient and that, after all, they
had that cultural revolution and every-
thing.
While both were shocked to learn of
the infiltration, the plucky young literati
Continued on page 2.
Nugent goes for a spin.
response to President Nugents glee-
fully sledding down Middle Path.
I thought it was just gonna be
an early morning thing, admit-
ted Therese Rescotti 14, but I was
walking back from a film screening
one night and just saw her zipping
along chirping Im the Queen of the
Trays! as she went.
She looks much less stressed,
concluded Marisa Greenscott, Assis-
tant Professor of English, although
the change hasnt really addressed the
number of professors were losing to
sabbatical next year.
By Lady Lamplight
COLUMBUS AIRPORT Sources
report that Nate Kannur 14 has de-
cided to stop trying completely and in-
stead will return to his Virginia home
and sleep for the entirety of Spring
Break.
When it came down to it, I just
couldnt imagine spending time with
anyone, began Kannur, I mean, Im
just so tired. Kannur claims that he
has been working like really hard
recently, reportedly sleeping from the
hours of 5:00 to 8:00 AM, only after
ordering Papa Johns in a stupor. Kan-
nur allegedly had the pizzas delivered
to Gund Commons, his current resi-
dence.
The haggard junior continued, It
was too much trouble to plan a trip.
I mean, I would have to pay for gas,
sleep on a couch, and talk to people,
and thats a lot to ask right now.
Inside This Issue
Quiz: Are You An Olin Or
A Chalmers?
Sophomore To Avoid
Internship Rat Race,
Start Music Blog
Second-Semester
Freshman Still Crying
Over Framed Picture Of
Middlebury
Girl Who Calls You
Laayyydeee Doesnt
Know Your Name
Though Kannur plans to stay mis-
erable until break begins, he remains
confident about his plans. He reports
that he hopes to go to bed immediately
after he gets home on Saturday night
so as to get in the maximum hours of
sleep. Every break I joke about sleep-
ing the entire time, Kannur said, but
I think I can really do this. This is my
He hopes to get to bed im-
mediately after he gets home
on Saturday night.
year. Its all going to happen. Kannur
also claims that he has been training
for break for the past month by sleep-
ing through most of his classes.
Kannur has reportedly already add-
ed 390 hours of video to his Netflix
queue, which he intends to bring up
Continued on page 2.
1
Administration Installs Neat Ice Skating Rink On Middle Path
by Lady Lamplight
MIDDLE PATH Responding to
students pleas for a fun, wintertime
activity to fill the dreary, godforsaken
February days, the Kenyon adminis-
tration has announced the opening of
a newly installed ice-skating rink on
campus.
The rink begins at the Gates of Hell
and continues all the way to Old Ke-
nyon. It was a lot of work, mainte-
nance worker Jim ODearn reported.
We spent a couple nights pouring
water over the gravel. I think the slush
was a great detail. It was a gradual lead
up to the ultimate surprise!
The rink was reportedly a surprise
to Joey Galton 16. I was walking to
my 8:10 when I first noticed the rink,
said Galton. One moment I was
standing, the next I had fallen, hard!
I actually ended up breaking my tail-
bone, haha! It was great!
Im so thankful that Kenyon un-
derstood that we needed a picker-
upper around this time of the year,
added Galton.
The rink did not faze junior Sasha
Kumper, who reported that she has
been carrying around my skates since
February 1st. Kumper added, I dont
Senior Declares Discarded Beer Can Poignant
Pumpy Calico
GAMBIER Sources report that
since Fandango, the event marking
100 days until graduation, Senior
Elizabeth Merson has become in-
creasingly sentimental about her
time at Kenyon.
While walking on Middle Path
earlier this week, Merson report-
edly remarked to her friends that an
empty beer can lying on the ground
seemed especially poignant. I just
cant believe that youth is this fleet-
ing, she told them. She then appar-
ently crouched on the ground and
tenderly whispered, I think Ill
miss you most of all, Pabst Blue
Ribbon. Do not go quietly into that
good gutter.
Mersons suitemate Daria Dry-
con 13 expressed concern for Mer-
sons mental health. We ate lunch
together the other day, Drycon
told Collegiate reporters, and Liz
started crying over Peirce calzones.
She said she was going to ask for
the recipe on a comment card so she
can replicate the exact cheese tex-
ture once shes living on her own.
According to Mersons friends
and acquaintances, the senior has
started ending every single interac-
tion with We neeeeeed to hang out
really soon. Even simple acts like
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
know why [the administration] contin-
ues to implement this. They act like its
a big, fun surprise every year. Do they
I think the slush was a great
detail. It was a lead up to the
ultimate surprise!
think we like it? My freshman year, I
lost my volleyball scholarship because
I cracked my elbow on the rink and
wasnt able to play that season. Then a
Zamboni ran over my bike. It was the
The abandoned reminder of fleeting youth and good times soon to be lost to the shadows of memory.
entering a building now provoke
strong emotional responses from
Merson.
The other day, this freshman
held the door for me in Peirce, be-
gan the senior wistfully. I looked at
him, he looked at me, and then we
both walked around the seal. With-
out even saying anything. It was
such an intense moment. You just
wont find that sense of community
anywhere else.
Mersons academic performance
has reportedly suffered due to this
recent change. Professor of English
Robert Orly, who teaches Merson
The completed rink.
worst.
When asked for her opinion, senior
Caroline Grey, who had been walk-
ing for an hour in an attempt to get to
Olin from Old Kenyon simply said,
UUUaauuugghghhh! as her knees
began to buckle involuntarily and she
started her descent.
The administrator also suggested
that Lords and Ladies dont wase
time in getting out their skates, hint-
ing that the rink may be converted into
a pool by the end of Spring Break.
in his Writing the Reader in the
Text seminar, indicated that run-
ning out of class every day crying
is likely going to affect her final
grade. Its getting very distracting,
Orly said. I recommended she go
to the Counseling Center and talk
to someone because shes probably
going to fail my seminar.
When asked for an explanation
for this behavior, Merson burst into
tears. He sat down at the table with
us, like he was one of our peers,
she gasped between sobs. Like
there was nothing dividing us.
Thats just, like, so Kenyon!
Letters
I Just Want to
Wax My Cooter
By Lily Rasmussen 16
Oh my God, this page is taking for-
ever to load! All I want to do is learn
from Hercampus.com how to wax
my V! My boyfriends going to be
here in twenty minutes and my bush
is still as full as the harvest moon!
As that stupid rainbow pinwheel
spins I could be boiling the wax on
my hotplate, but instead Im sitting
here frustrated, pants full of pubes,
running out of time!
When I log on to HerCampus, I
expect to have my college experi-
ence improved and my snatch
cleansed of its natural fluff, so this is
a grave disappointment. I could go
somewhere else for my hair removal
needs, but where do I get grooming
tips specifically written from the per-
spective of girls like me? Well, like
me except minus the veritable pubic
brillo pad I have going on right now.
Pretty soon Im going to have to start
clawing at my nether regions. ARE
YOU HAPPY, HERCAMPUS?
Sleep, from page 1.
on his laptop as soon as he gets to his
bed. He also apparently hopes to sleep
through most of the programming, but
allows for the possibility of waking
up every now and then and watching
like a couple minutes of Archer.
Hackers, from page 1.
have found a silver lining, choosing to
take advantage of the diverse new piec-
es and publishing what Faar describes
as the vigorous, erudite poem Mil-
lions With But One Heart (Toward a
Communist Tomorrow), submitted by
Chinese cyberwarrior RED_STARque-
ing616.
Other members of the Kenyon com-
munity are less sanguine. A newly vigi-
lant LBIS Helpline has been working
to identify a list of vulnerable targets
including Persimmons, The Thrill, the
Kenyon tornado alert system, the panini
press, and the Sunset Cottage Lounge.
2
Opinion
Why Not Graft?: A Letter To Whiny CAs
By Snakes Burgen 13
As Community Advisor for the
Caples Elevator, Kitchen, and Bike
Rack, I am deeply saddened that
anyone would feel it necessary to
complain that CAs are overworked
and underpaid. There are many non-
monetary job benefits such as, but are
not limited to: a free single, free Re-
slife swag (those handsome burgundy
hoodies dont come cheap), moun-
tains of unwanted pizza left by resi-
dents when they ignore our programs,
the opportunity to go on long walks
amongst drunken peers every week-
end, decorative white boards filled
with oft-demeaning graffiti, and most
importantly, Unlimited Power.
Really. What is worth more: a
months salary or the opportunity
to wield hegemonic dominion over
a campus domicile? The answer is
clear. A CA wields the power to is-
sue write ups, an apt means of black-
mailing your way through college.
The amount of money I have raised
from bribes alone matches, if not sur-
passes, my stipend! (Now would be
a good time to remind the student I
caught having sex with the foosball
table to pay up. I have photos.)
Do I get paid enough? No. Do I
find myself buried under a pile Tim
Hortons finest baked goods thanks to
several pointless morning meetings
and a roomy tote lined with Cling
Wrap? Yes.
Do I get paid enough? No. Have
I successfully managed to be re-
imbursed for four hundred dollars
worth of Southern Comfort because I
convinced my supervisor thats how
Walmart refers to chicken and bis-
cuits on their receipts? Yes.
CA benefits include, most
importantly, Unlimited
Power
Do I get paid enough? No. Do
I reap the sexual benefits that come
with name dropping Alicia Dugas to
prospective hookups? Yes.
So my fellow CAs, step back and
consider. It simply takes an entrepre-
neurial mind and a bit of imagination
to see that the college has built into
the position ample opportunities to
reap benefit outside of those defined
in our contract.
All I ask is that those greedy dis-
senters among Reslifes ranks, seek-
ing to complain their way into a fair
salary where they can make mini-
mum wage for all the work they
do on a daily basis, sit back and
reevaluate the perks of the position.
You too can reap the benefits of ex-
torting your peers for a living!
This Is Probably Going To Sound Kind of Stupid..
By Todd Mingle 14
Yes, thanks professor. I was just
going to say, well, I had this thought
while Ben was talking that I wanted
to share. Look, this is probably go-
ing to sound kind of stupid, and I
dont know if this, like, counts for
much substantively. Its sort of pig-
gybacking on Bens thing. I mean,
Im just spitballing here. Someone
has probably already formulated this
better than I am about to say it, so
bear with me.
Im not totally sure if this is go-
ing to be right, or if its in the ball-
Not sure if this is going to be right,
or even in the ball park, or the
parking lot of the ball park...
park of being right, or even in the
parking lot of the ballpark of be-
ing right. It may not even be in the
woodland area surrounding the park-
ing lot of the ballpark of being right,
which reminds me of this one time
my third-grade class took a field trip
to the local wood in our area my
elementary school was really into
nature education.
Anyway, its something I wrote
down in my notes for this class, so
even if it isnt entirely relevant to the
discussion or too far afield I want to
discuss it anyway on the off chance
that anybody else might be interest-
ed in pursuing it.
I think it draws a lot of similari-
ties to what were doing in my Psych
class right now, but it might also
contradict what you said in class last
week, professor, if Im remembering
your points correctly. Still, I think
its so important for us to keep in
mind, even if its just a small con-
tribution.
Um, Um, Um, Um. I think...What
I mean is...Hum.
Or, I dont know, maybe its a
total throwaway comment for all
I know it has the intellectual vigor
of a coma patient. Let me reiterate I
am not totally, one-hundred percent
certain of the truth of the claim Im
about to make, so just keep that in
mind.
Speaking of mind, though, I was
listening to Radiolab the other day,
and there was this story about wheth-
er it was the chicken or the egg that
came first, and it was just really in-
teresting to me and my comment
is kind of like that, I guess, in that
Im not sure whether the reading
made me think of what I am going
to say or if what Im going to say
brought about the, the...okay, I guess
that figure is kind of falling apart.
Let me start over. I just really want
to say...

Threeply on the Beat: Finding Your Kenyon Soulmate

By Gunderson Threeply
February can be a rough time for
Lords looking to find a Lady (or
vice versa!) and with that in mind,
The Kenyon Collegiate has com-
piled a list of tips and tricks to help
you get the man (or woman) of your
dreams.
#1: Take Your Date Somewhere
Interesting.
Weve all done the post-coital
what are we coffee date, or the oh
you can see the stars so much better
from Sunset Point fondle session.
If you want to make an impression,
why not take your date to the drain-
age ditch in the woods behind the
science quad? Better yet, nothing in-
cites passion like breaking and enter-
ing! Break into the Beta Temple and
get mad rude on their Greek charter!
Is she a vegetarian? Consider taking
her to the racoon dinner in Mt. Ver-
non. Its called broadening horizons.
Your date will love it.
#2: Be Spontaneous.
Ladies, this goes double for you.
Look, I like the fun n flirty party
dress as much as the next guy, but
try to think outside the box. Show up
at your dates door wearing a tuxedo
t-shirt and gorilla mask and when he
starts to speak, give him a sack-tap
for sassing. Hell be so thrilled its
you when you take off your disguise
that he wont even mind the sack-
tapping.
#3: Gifts, Gifts, GIFTS!
It cant be overstatednothing
puts a potential soulmate in an easily
exploitable debt position faster than
giving a gift on the first date. Its
important to note that Rule #2 still
applies: showing up for your date
with some flowers or chocolates is
simply NOT going to cut the mus-
tard. Honestly if you even THINK
about showing up with some weak-
ass orchids or organic chocolates do
NOT even read the rest of this col-
umn because I DO NOT want you
benefiting from any more of these
hot tips. GOD, the NERVE of some
people!
#4: Be Mysterious.
When things start getting hot and
heavy, make up erogenous zones you
dont actually have! Your lady will
go nuts trying to find out what the
Zgulon or the Fron are! For an ex-
tra challenge, assure your date that
these are the only areas in which
you can feel pleasure. Stress that
conventional sexual techniques just
wont work. Youll make them try
harder that way. Even if it leads you
some freaky places, youll definitely
come away with a few stories and
a seismic case of rug burn on your
Glynz.

c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  3
Voices
Divestment Pressure Hits Campus
Groups from across campus last week began a campaign pressuring Kenyons board of trustees to pull out money and
stock holdings in fossil fuel companies, such as Exxon-Mobil, in favor of renewable energy companies. What do you
think, Kenyon? Compiled by Billy Hughes.
SkkkkkkrEEEEEEEEE
EEEEuuuuuuEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEu
uuuuuEEEEEEEEuuuu
uEEEEEEEuuuuuEEEE
EuuuuEEEEEEEEEE
Gambier Tornado Siren
Trapped In the Carrel: Episode 1
The Kenyon Collegiate is happy
to announce we will be featuring a
series of student-created works in the
coming weeks. This week, we present,
a set of song lyrics written by Jeffrey
Cashpore and Clifford Seldom.
Trapped In the Carrel: Episode I
Interior: Olin Library. A handsome
freshman with corn rows sleeps at a
desk with Kafkas Metamorphosis on
his lap. Next to him sits an attractive
senior girl.
Its 4 Oclock in the afternoon
And the rays from the sun wake me
Im stretchin and yawnin
I got a psych quiz in the mornin
Here I am tryin to go to Peirce
Gatherin my pencil pouch
Whered I put my scarf?
Then she held out my scarf
And said, you cant leave that way Tryin to figure out
I gotta go eat shawarma with my girl
She said, please dont leave,
Shh, shh, my boyfriend is coming
I said Should I go out the window?
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Suck it, Rockefeller!
William James
Harkness, Class of 15
She said No, no, get in the carrel
Shit, think, shit, put me in a carrel
And now Im in this dark ass carrel,
Just how Im gonna get my crazy ass
Up out this carrel
And didnt get to print my French
Poem yet and I, I, I, I,
I need to get my homework finished
The Kenyon College
Board of Trustees
always has and always
will continue to seek
out and value every stu-
dents opinion on these
sensitive and pressing
matters.
James F. Craven, Trustee
I see her boyfriend come in, hes an
AD
Nice guy, religious studies major,
SMA
He knocks over a stack of books,
He is walking over to the carrel
He comes up to the carrel
Now hes at the carrel
To be continued...
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Collegiate Staff
Slyvester . . . Roy McKluskin
Cathy. . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Rufus. . . .Ricardo Carrigamo
Chuck . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Sgnt. James . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Gwendolyn . . . . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Twan. . . . . Bean Fenrick
Rosie . . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Bridget . . . . . . . . . Jefferey Cashpore
Big Man . . . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
Randolph. . . . Jack B. Thimbleton
Pimp Lucious . . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
Tina . . . . Drexel J. Thrash
Sgnt. Platoon. . . . . . . . . Pierre LOuiseauz
Bishop Craig. . . . . . . Elizabeth Wilkinson
Beeno . . . . . . . . Probably Johnston
Bankhead . . . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Street . . . . . . . . Lady Lamplight
Henchman 1 . . . . . . . . Laslo Mandelcorn
Henchman 2 . . . . . . . . Constance Slurs
Church Man. . . . . . . . Juniper McClanahan
Det. Tom . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . The Cabinet, Infidelity,
Southern Accent, Cherry Pie, Guns, Paral-
lel Structure, Move!, The Nosy Neighbor, A
Rubber, Guns, That Bitch Tina, Eye Twitch,
Silk Robe, White Suit, Rick James, Omni-
scient R. Kelly, The Man Who Is A Midgit...
Midgit...Midgit...Midgit.
Consultants . . . . . . . The Closet.
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
4