Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 5, Issue 9 April 4, 2013

From the Future Archives: In 2083, Tuskegee Air Drones Visit Campus
By Roy McKluskin
ROSSE HALL Crowds flocked to
Rosse Hall this Wednesday, April
3, 2083 to hear three of the nations
original Tuskegee Predator Drones
speak about their experiences and an-
swer audience questions.
The drones described their reac-
tions to bombing civilians: Well,
I felt nothing, said Drone 103X,
Since I am a drone and but crafted
of cold, dead steel. It added with a
chuckle, Im sure the people I killed
were terrified though.
Asked about the prejudices they
faced, the drones spoke frankly and
directly about the hardships they en-
dured after being shipped out of their
Indiana plant. I feel confident that
if I were sentient I would have been
very hurt at all the negative media
coverage at the beginning of the pro-
gram, Drone 3462 remarked.
Adjusting his reading glasses,
Drone #210333B explained, Before,
a predator drone couldnt even zoom
into a local diner, smashing against
the walls in a frustrated attempt to
savagely kill American citizens, but
The drones arrived Wednesday, eager to share their stories.
after the Tuskegee Drone program,
people saw that drones were people
too. We truly believe we advanced
drones rights, said the deadly weap-
Were making progress every
day. Progress toward a soulless
apocalypse.
on, now rusted with age.
Someday, he continued, drone
children will look at our pictures and
say, They paved the way. My stealth
Inside This Issue
Dyslexic Student Arrives
At Mock Your Schlong
Hideously Underdressed
Jason Alexander Squints
Way Into Hearts and
Minds At Common Hour
propellers tremble just thinking about
it.
As one drone started to shed tears,
it short circuited. Sources say the vet-
eran exploded, hurling shrapnel at
student interviewer. Sources say the
sound of screaming brought tears to Campuswide Hunt for
their eyes. Josh Radnor: Its Been At
Weve still got a long way to Least a Month
go, Drone #334002 said, But were
making progress every day. Progress Nuge To Move In With
toward a soulless apocalypse orches-
trated entirely by machines. Parents, Find Unpaid
Internship

Middle Path Challenge Triples Transfer Rate Audience Member Gives Best Performance In Play
By Gunderson Threeply
MIDDLE PATH -- Last week, The
Presidential Advisory and Communi-
cations Team tried to raise awareness
for Earth Day and general bodily health
by encouraging students and faculty
to walk as far as you can on Middle
Path, but the resulting egress of students
effectively tripled Kenyons transfer
Aimee Bolingbroke 14 walked
to Cincinnati, where she at-
tends Xavier Univeristy
rate as student marched off campus and
to other schools, sources within Admis-
sions report.
Collegiate reporters managed to
catch up to one of these pedestrian
transfer students, Aimee Bolingbroke
14, who is currently enrolled as a ju-
nior at Xavier University in Cincinnati,
Ohio. When asked why she transferred,
th e k e n yon collegiate
Bolingbroke responded, Well, I read
about this Middle Path Challenge, and it
just felt so good to be out and about that
I guess I didnt really figure on how far
Id gone! By the time I realized, I was
already sitting through an orientation
meeting at Xavier, and I figured, Gosh,
Im already such a huge Big East fan,
and the scholarship I just qualified for
pays for about half my tuition, so it was
kind of a no-brainer. I mean sure Im
going to miss my Kenyon friends, the
new Xavier Musketeer said, but its
not like Ill never see them again. Im
only in Cincinnati.
Other students, upon embarking on
their Middle Path Challenge, found that
higher learning wasnt for them at all.
Alan Kyanka (formerly 13) is currently
pursuing career training as a carpenter
in Fredrickstown, Ohio. It just clicked,
you know? the former Phi Beta Kappa
Continued on page 2.
By Clams Casino
HILL THEATER This weekends
senior thesis production of Snide
Games profited from well-conceived
stage design, fluid direction, and
subtle acting. However, it was the ef-
fervescent girl sitting in the front row
who gave the liveliest performance of
the evening.
After the lights dimmed, sources
report that Angie Hicks 15 made a
bold first impression by entering from
the back of the theater with a large bag
that hit each seat as she walked down
the row before sitting down.
When people go to the theater,
they expect to listen to a bunch of
people onstage, remarked Nick Stiles
14, but Angie really subverts the
whole expectation of the thing be-
cause I didnt hear a word the actors
were saying.
Hicks punctuated tense moments
with startling quips like oh shit,
cogent comments like shits going
down, and glowingly affirmative
ejaculations like get it girl!
I knew what she was thinking at
every moment throughout the play,
added Stiles. It was such a clear per-
formance: virtuosic yet highly acces-
sible.
While the plot progressed, Hicks
Hicks punctuated tense
moments with startling,
carefully-crafted quips.
continued to fascinate those present by
laughing along with jokes at a higher
pitch than the rest of the audience.
She established herself as the voice in
the crowd by continuing to laugh past
when the laughter began to die out
and, occasionally, Hicks contributed
Continued on page 2.
1
Housing Lottery Abolished in Favor of Housing Gladiator Tournament
by Kat Schrodinger
GAMBIER According to 36
consecutive duplicate emails from
Housing and Residential Life, the
2013-2014 Housing Lottery has
been cancelled. Instead, students
and employees of Kenyon College
can expect a new, interactive ap-
proach to the ever-nerve-racking
process of housing selection.
Instead of the grueling and dis-
heartening lottery process, the email
says, the student body will now par-
ticipate in a day-long marathon of
invigorating fights to the death, with
the victor winning his or her pick of
the most desirable rooms on cam-
pus. On the losers side, instead of
a reduction in lottery points, stu-
dents with disciplinary infractions
will be allowed neither a shield nor
a last meal.
On Saturday, April 13th, Tomsich
Arena will be flooded with locally-
mixed, sustainably-eroded sand,
courtesy of ECO and the newly
formed Gladiator Co-op. The latter
group will also rent weaponry to the
student body: these arms are expect-
ed to include hastae, classic six-foot
thrusting spears, and semispathae,
swords of half the usual length that
are conveniently light and therefore
usable by Kenyons majority non-
athletic population.
The death toll is a minor incon-
venience, yes, admitted Dean of
Students Hank Toutain, but there
Beta Rock Earns Highest GPA Of Pledge Class
By Col. Elton P. Dramadery
ROSSE HALL At todays Greek
Life Academic Awards Ceremony,
members from each of Kenyons
fraternities and sororities were
honored for their prowess in the
classroom. Among the numerous
academic commendations was the
coveted Gund Order of Noted Aca-
demic Distinguishment (GONAD),
bestowed to the member of each
fraternity who maintained the high-
est GPA over the semester.
Notable among the commended
students was the only non-human
entrant, the Beta Rock. The Beta
Rocks 37-year streak as the most
successful member of the fraternity
was a great honor for both him and
his fellow brothers.
Im really proud of how Rockys
come this semester, said Chaz Arn-
stein 14. We were wondering if he
was going to keep the streak livin,
but he grinded day and night for that
shit.
While a non-human award re-
cipient was certainly a controversial
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
One student gears up to fight for his place in a Mather triple.
was so much disgruntled mumbling
about campus regarding the lot-
tery that a change had to be made.
The decision has thus far been ap-
plauded. The Kenyon Filmmakers
Society plans to film the event and
release the more gruesome portions
as a miniseries on YouTube, and the
visual art department plans to use
the leftover blood and sand to create
an exhibit in the Gund Gallery that
juxtaposes the commercialization
of violence with the interiority of an
alienated modern society.
Individual students seem split
between sheer terror and tense en-
thusiasm. Russ Crow 15 declares
himself firmly in the latter camp.
I love it. The question is no lon-
ger how many singles there are in
Hanna, he said, the red gleam of
battle in his eyes, but who wants
pick by the committee members,
the Rocks prowess among his Beta
Brethren made him a clear front
runner for the commendation.
Additionally, the Beta Rock dis-
played exemplary behavior outside
the classroom, as his inability to
move meant he was unable to, say,
toss a bike up into the Gund Com-
mons Balcony.
Regardless of public opinion,
the Betas welcomed the Rocks
award with open arms, showering
him with compliments and Popov
immediately after the ceremony.
those singles the most.
President Nugent, asked to add
her own justification, said, I think
people work themselves up over
the lottery and, as it stands, its not
something that needs to have this
stigma of terror and ultimate fate.
So, we decided to alter the reality to
fit the expectations. If this sense of
terror and ultimate fate is unavoid-
able, then to hell with it, you know?
Lets let em have it! With a jovial
laugh, she gave The Collegiate a
glimpse of what to expect in two
weekends: Finally, students will
have a legitimate reason to cry when
they enter Tomsich Arena, draped in
Roman garb, their epaulets glint-
ing, the honed points of their spears
glimmering in the pale fluorescent
light . . . Lords and Ladies, to arms!
TO ARMS!
The rock basked in glory.
Hes really an idol to all of us,
dude, proclaimed Clive McMa-
nus 16. Hes got the physique we
all want, plus he utterly murks the
books when hes not surrounded by
chicks. Hows he do it?
The rest of campus also joined in
the celebration of the Beta Rocks
award by suspending their plans of
urination for 72 hours.
The weird thing is, Provost
Nayef Samhat said, the runners up
all had 3.95s and the rock had a 4.0.
Thats one smart rock.
Middle Path, from page 1.
member admitted. When I just walked
out of Old Kenyon that morning, and
just saw all those people cheering me
on, I thought, Yeah, I dont need this! I
just had to find what I wanted to do and
apply myself, just like my adviser was
always telling me.
These kids are the ones that have it
all figured out, Professor of Anthropol-
ogy and Kenyon alumnus 00 Charles
Morrow said. Theyre the ones who
broke free, managed to get off the Hill
before it was too late. It drags you back-
-you dont think it does, but it gets you
when you least expect it. Me? No, Ill
never leave. Its too easy here, and Im
too much of a coward, Professor Mor-
row continued before shuffling back to
the stack of midterms on his desk.
President Nugent could not be
reached for comment, but sources re-
port that upon hearing of the skyrocket-
ing transfer rate, she only bridged her
fingers and whispered, all the pieces
are falling into place.
Audience, from page 1.
a distinctive snort-laugh which nearly
brought the house down.
It seems like shes on some other
kind of level, concluded Stiles. Its
like, she gets the jokes better and
longer and louder than anyone else
does.
Sources report that Hicks was last
seen at an a capella concert where
she was heard yelling, Go Court-
ney! Yeah Court! The audience con-
cluded that Hicks must have a lot of
friends.
Honors Day Announcements
Each year, Kenyon honors its stu-
dents and staff who excel and make
our school a better place. Please give
your best to the following members of
our community:
The Dougchamp Smiley Award:
This commendation, which we be-
stow on the student whose relentlessly
cheerful demeanor seems to disguise
a ruthlessness that will someday spell
the end of us all, will be award to
Kranston Tunt 14.
The Hal P. Duddles Award:
Here we honor a rising senior male
whose perserverance means he still
has that bell-shaped longer haircut
with flips on the end every guy comes
out of high school having. This years
recepient is Justin Smith 13.
The Twitter Award:
To take home the Twit, one must have
an have an active political presence
online, but be unwilling to do anything
to further causes in real life. Li Aiden
15 had just the mix of apathy and self-
righteousness we were looking for.
2
News and Opinion
A Message From New President Sean M. Decatur
Dear Kenyonites,
It really is great to be welcomed so
warmly in to the Kenyon Communi-
ty! As I always used to say, adjusting
to a new place is kind of like protein
folding: you have to twist yourself
into the right configuration to be able
to get any work done. And I look for-
ward to spending many years twist-
ing myself into a functional structure
with all of you.
I have many new ideas to bring to
Kenyon, and I think my unique back-
ground will lend some productive
The Wiggin Take: Wiggin Street Students Talk About The Issues
Who shouldve been Kenyons
next Pwesident?: Well, obviously,
if we were able to pick any person-
age from any historical period, the
great German philosopher Arthur
Schopenhauer.
What is your most favoritest
food?: Kobe beef with a side of
kale and a smart cocktail.
Whats your favoritest picture
book?: I really enjoy the collected
photography of Diane Arbus, and
frankly, I find your tone a little con-
descending.
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  3
insight. As my scientist colleagues
and I used to joke, undergraduate stu-
dents are a lot like amino acids: their
native conformations depend upon
their solvents and the concentration
of salts.
I know I might seem intimidating,
but if you see me on Middle Path, feel
free to approach me and start a casual
I look forward to many years
twisting myself into a function-
al structure with you.
conversation. We can exchange an-
ecdotes about our achievements and
goals, just like the elements of a co-
valent bond share electrons.
And I dont think its too much
of a stretch to say that a liberal arts
education is just like dual polarization
interfereometry: with it, we can probe
molecular scale layers adsorbed to the
surface of a waveguide. The molecu-
lar scale layers of human thought, of
course.
In conclusion, I really want to
be able to relate to students. Much
like catalysts in even the most basic
chemical reactions, respect and admi-
ration are essential for change. I hope
that someday, all of us will become
as close as intersecting lines at the
denaturation midpoint of a chevron
plot.
What do you wanna be when
you grow up?: A strong, inde-
pendent womyn who lives her life
outside the confines of the gender
binary.
Whats the worst thing in the
whole wide world?: Institutional-
ized inequality and patriarchal op-
pression.
Whats been your favoritest Hal-
loween costume?: Gloria Anzalda
Glove Pinned to Bulletin Board Starting to Lose Hope
By Lady Lamplight
ASCENION HALL Josh Gunnals
(14) lost right glove has been hang-
ing on the bulletin board near the
staircase in Ascension Hall since
mid-December and has until recent-
ly kept up hope of finding his way
home to Gunnals top dresser draw-
er. However, now that the weather
has turned, the glove has grown less
optimistic.
One cold day we were studying
for Joshs physics final. I came in
with him, but he left without me,
the glove told Collegiate reporters.
I shrugged it off at first, no big deal.
Hes going to need me, hes going
to look for me. Someone pinned me
up here. I figured that would get his
attention. I search for his face when
Whats your advice to seniors
working on comps?: EEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee
eeee
What do you do when you feel sad?:
OOOOOOOOOOOOOaaaaaaaa
If you could be invisible for a day,
what would you do?: Watch the
world burn.
The glove upon originally being lost.
people walk by, but its never him.
Now that its getting warm, why
would he want me? I think Ive been
abandoned.
120 people reportedly walk past
the lost right glove on a daily basis,
but no one has stopped to claim it
yet. Other items on the board have
been returned. Honestly, at this
point I just wish that just someone
would take me, it doesnt even have
to be Josh. Doesnt anyone need a
glove?
Sources close to Gunnal say that
he didnt feel like walking back to
Ascension to get his glove and in-
stead grabbed a ride with a friend
to Wal-Mart and bought a new pair
for $1.50. They allege that this hap-
pened in late-December. Gunnal
could not be reached for comment.
Who shouldve been Kenyons
next Pwesident?: Why should I
care about a bunch of nerds up the
hill when Im partying in the back
seat of my moms sweet ride?
But surely the activities of an
institution where your mother
works concern you?: Do you see
the sweet screen above my head?
Do you understand how much more
interesting this episode of Sponge-
bob is than you are?
Ill admit that...: Yeah, didnt think
so.
Woman Still Somehow Dating Man More Invested In Game of Thrones Than Relationship
By Roy McKluskin
GAMBIER In a confusing move,
Clara Nicholson 13 continued to
date Tom Hurley 13 last week in
spite of an obvious affair on his part
with HBO series Game of Thrones.
The affair seems to render him in-
capable of devoting any time or
energy whatsoever to cultivating a
romantic relationship with an adult
woman.
When asked about the prefer-
ences that have somehow not ended
his relationship, the senior admit-
ted that a hit television show has
its advantages over the thrill of hu-
man connection. Clara and I may
enjoy each others witty banter, but
has that witty banter been carefully
crafted by professional screenwrit-
ers? he asked. I dont think so. totally swamped for time.
In addition, Hurley noted that while
Nicholsons complexion is nice, it
is not professionally lit or made up.
Though his relationship with the
show remains largely non-sexual,
Hurley said he still finds it more
erotically exciting than the girl-
friend who, for reasons not easily
understood, is so devoted to him. I
can see one set of boobs [on Clara,]
or I can see as many as five or six
separate sets of boobs in a single
episode, he said, adding, I dont
understand how thats even a fair
What Are We Doing Now That the Weathers Warmed Up?
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
contest.
He also cited the advantage the
show has in terms of making things
easy for him. Clara always wants
to do things and eat nice food,
whereas Game of Thrones doesnt
mind if I hang out with it at home
while eating Cheetos in my under-
wear. In addition, he remarked
that Nicholss need for sleep has
been a problem, since Hurley typi-
cally allows for recreation between
the hours of 2:00 and 4:00 a.m., a
schedule Game of Thrones is happy
to accomodate.
Though he said he never [miss-
es] an episode of Thrones! Hurley
conceded he has missed Nicholss
birthday dinner, senior voice recit-
al, and two out of the couples last
three dates on the grounds that he is
ing about fun things to do together.
While seemingly unable to say
anything nice about his girlfriend
beyond that she had cool earrings,
Hurley was able to wax poetic for
nearly an hour on the subject of his
favorite show.
He confirmed that aside from
their standing date Sundays at 9:00
p.m., he and the show spend time
together during the week as well
when he rewatches old episodes.
Even when were not together,
he said, I spend hours thinking
about Game of Thrones and think-
Nichols sits ignored on a couch while Hurley wooes his favorite show.
continued to knit the obviously
Friends were unable to explain
the continued relationship between
Nichols and Hurley. Maybe shes
in denial, Mark Ales 13 specu-
lated, but its time for her to face
the facts. Theres another woman in
the picture, or rather several women
wearing leather armor and having a
threesome in last weeks episode.
When asked if she could recall
the last nice thing her boyfriend did
for her, the idiotically complacent
Nichols said, Well sometimes he
lets me watch with him. She then
disinterested man a remote control
cozy before adding I think I mean
a lot to him.
Asked how he would react if he
and Nichols were to separate, Hur-
ley said he might be a little sad but
would mainly feel enthused about
how much time it would free up to
watch DVD extras.
Unfortunately, sources report
that Hurley and Game of Thrones
relationship might also be in trouble
with the season premiere of Board-
walk Empire.
Collegiate Staff
Homer Simpson . . . Roy McKluskin
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4