Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 5, Issue 10 April 26, 2013

May Cause Allergic Reactions In Those With Low Moral Fiber

Special Report: Living With Bro-phobia

By Constance Slurs
GAMBIER An event sponsored by
the Peer Counselors was held Tues-
day to discuss the fears of students
reporting issues with brophobia.
Intrigued, The Collegiate sought out
one of the students most affected by
the brutal and very real psychological
condition.
I never knew I had a problem
with bros until this semester, reports
sophomore Casey Hardel. It wasnt
until I starting finding empty Natties
Ice around my room that I began to
suspect something was wrong.
Hardel has been dealing with a
brofestation for the last two weeks,
and as a result has developed a severe
case of Brophobia. I cant watch
movies with bros in them now, she
laughed, attempting to hide the fear
flickering in her eyes. I hide my
face in my friends shoulders and
cover my ears when they come on
the screen. Its just that awful sound
of the Topsiders scuttling around...I
just cant take it, says Hardel, shud-
dering.
It got bad when I realized they
were getting into my room; I think
the seal on the window screen isnt
tight enough and they come in for the
warmth? The worst is when I see a
bro in the corner of my room at night
and, like, then I blink for a second
and its gone. Its like, did it get under
my bed? How am I supposed to sleep
now, knowing theres a bro some-
where in my room probably watching
me with its creepy Ray-Ban-specta-
cled eyes?
When asked what the worst part of
dealing with her brophobia is, Hardel
choked back a gag and tearfully ad-
mitted, Im just so worried about a
bro crawling into my mouth when
Im asleep. It just makes me wanna
hurl.
Her roommate, Amy Delores 15,
has been experiencing similar issues. A common household bro.
I went into the bathroom the other on dealing with brophobia. First year while they sleep. Its complete-
day and there was a bro in the cor- thing first, noted Denils, the com- ly ridiculous and has no basis in mod-
ner of the bathtub! She winced as mon household bro is not actually an ern broalogy! says Denils.
she relived the memory, adding, I insect, as it is commonly believed, Denils says, If your brophobia is
splashed some water on it but it just nor are they harmful! Bros reduce the severe, keep bros out of your room
stayed there! mosquito and fly population. by putting out some brorepellant, like
The Collegiate consulted campus The biggest misconception about sleeves, or distracting them by plac-
expert on bros and brothusiast, Kevin bros, added Denils, is the urban myth ing a few Adirondack chairs outside
Denils 16, for some tips and tricks that everyone swallows 7 or 8 bros a of your room.

Special Report: Ugh, Just Vote For The Levy
By Roy McKluskin
According to sources from all around
Knox County, you should probably be
voting for the school levy to pass in the
special election happening May 7th if
youre not callous or confused.
Citing common sense and a ba-
sic understanding of how the funding
of local schools affects the college,
experts agree that you need to get
your lazy butt out of bed and march
straight to the polls.
In addition, several studies found
those who by not voting signal their
support of a professiorial mass exodus
and the demise of all supplemental
programming for young children in
the area, are mainly working to jus-
tify their own laziness.
Reports released Wednesday called
it absurd that someone could attend
a place as full of conscious enrichment
th e k e n yon collegiate
as Kenyon and not understand the val-
ue of those same kinds of enrichment
in elementary, middle and high school
contexts, but admitted that some peo-
ple are just really dumb or selfish we
guess.
In response to those who claim
Inside This Issue
Maintenance Removes
Suicide Lights From Mid-
dle Path, Plants Suicide
Flowers
Biology Department
Unveils Plankton In Your
A responsible person giving a fuck.
Kenyon students shouldnt vote in
Pocket Day
Gambier since they dont pay property
taxes, a poll of hundreds of reasonable Kenyon Raises Awareness
people found, What is this, 1800? of Campus Energy Us-
Theres a property requirement for
voting now? adding, I cant believe
age Via Giant Electronic
we even have to say this. Screen that Runs 24/7
1
Enterprising Junior Turns Walk of Shame Into Campus Tour
By Jack B. Thimbledon
RANSOM HALL In a move that
has been hailed as inspired and
clutch, sources report that Eliza
Cooper 14 made admissions his-
tory last Sunday when she trans-
formed her walk of shame into a
surprisingly well-attended tour of
Kenyons campus.
According to eyewitnesses, Coo-
per departed the Hanna residence of
husky junior Bradley Owens at 9:23
a.m. on Sunday. However, a perky
family of four clasping Introductory
Kenyon folders detained Cooper
at 9:24 a.m. as she wound her way
back North on Middle Path.
The family asked for directions
to the KAC, Ransom Hall, the base-
ball field, the Weather Vane, and
anywhere thats good for brunch.
What could I do? shrugged
Cooper, whom we interviewed
while she was still wearing a com-
bination of CEOs and Office Hos
attire and Owenss extra clothing. I
wiped most of the eyeliner off my
chin, buttoned Brads flannel all
the way up, and told them Id show
them around.
The intrepid band had reportedly
made it as far as the library when
CDO Announces Your Career Was Inside Of You The Whole Time!
By Gunderson Threeply
GUND COMMONS Sources
reported last Wednesday that amid
student outrage at the CDOs failure
to help students obtain jobs post-
graduation, the CDO has issued a
statement saying that the true jobs
were inside the senior class the
whole time.
Why, anybody can have a job,
said Franklin Baum of the CDO,
responding to the demands of Ray-
mond Bolger 13, a Poli-Sci major
from Yonkers, NY. Thats a very
mediocre commodity! Thoughts are
what matters! People come out of
university every semester and think
deep thoughts, and with no more of
a job than you have! But they have
one thing you havent got: a snarky
pop culture blog that they update
sporadically. Therefore, by virtue of
the authority vested in me by tum-
blr.com, I hereby confer upon you
the domain name of theblogsarenot-
whattheyseem.tumblr.com!
Oh joy, said Bolger. Oh rap-
tureIve got a blog. How can I
ever thank you enough?
As for you my fine friend, con-
tinued Baum, turning his attention
to Leona Lahr 13, youre a victim
2 p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Cooper manages to convince a group of prospies that her hangover is study tiredness
Coopers impromptu tour of four
became seven. Cooper explains,
When I turned around to un-tuck
the back of my skirt from my thong,
this other kid and his parents saw
me walking backwards and asked
if they could jump in on the tour. I
guess I thought itd be kind of weird
to say no.
Besides, Cooper continued,
they were very cool about it. I even
took them back to Hanna, made up
a Kenyon Tradition of standing
silently on Middle Path with your
eyes closed for 60 seconds, and
ran back inside to get my bra from
of disorganized thinking, under the
unfortunate delusion that simply be-
cause you have no marketable skills,
you have no career prospects! Back
where I come from, we have people
who are called professors. Once a
year they take their academic dress
out of mothballs and parade it down
the quad of a college, and their
skills are no more marketable than
yours! But they have one thing that
you havent got! A grant! Therefore,
I award you a Fulbright Scholarship
to study in Bavaria. You are now a
member of the academic elite.
Shucks folks, Im speechless,
said the Spanish major, whose the-
sis analyzed the prose of Jorge Luis
Borges and Roberto Bolao. Most-
ly because I dont speak German.
Now for you, my loquacious
friend, concluded the CDO em-
ployee, extending a hand to Senior
Drama major Earl Stannum, you
want stability. You dont know how
lucky you are not to have it! Stabil-
ity will never be fun, until it can be
made unstable! Back where I come
from, there are men who do noth-
ing all day but smoke weed and
eat cheese puffs. They are called
actors, and their ambitions are
no greater than yours! But, they
Brads room.
Such a unique tour experience!
exclaimed mother of prospective
student Joey Morkle, who joined
the tour just as Cooper fumbled
for the name of the new art build-
ing and invented a Space Studies
department. It was daring, nonlin-
ear, inspiringly unorthodox. I think
this is just the sort of nontraditional
educational environment we want
for our Joey.
As of press time, Cooper was
nursing a headache and enjoying
her celebrity status in the Office of
Admissions.
have one thing you havent got:
an overpriced studio apartment in
Brooklyn where they can work on
their screenplays! I take pleasure at
this time in presenting you a small,
one bedroom, half-bath apartment
in Williamsburg for only $3,650
I award you a Fullbright.
You are now a member of
the academic elite.
a month. Just remember that your
merit as an actor is not judged by
how confident you feel onstage, but
how cool everyone else thinks you
look.
Oh! The faucet leaks! My land-
lords a dick! Hey, listen every-
body, Stannum said, I can hear
the people above me having really
vile sex!
Stannum said, overjoyed, I
looked at the CDO website, Indeed.
com, and the alumni network. But
I never thought to look inside my
own heart.
As of press time, Baum was in
the midst of telling sophomore El-
len Garland of Portland, OR that
if she wanted to go home, all she
needed to do was transfer to Reed.
Retractions
Dear Pugliesex,
The Kenyon Collegiate regrets to
announce, pugliesex@kenyon.edu of
the allstu message board, that we were
the ones who intercepted and ate your
large (though presumably still single
serving?) mushroom pizza on April
14th as it was being delivered to Ca-
ples Residence Hall.
Were sorry for being a fucking
dick and sincerely hope that you re-
consider your plan to fuck [us] up,
because honestly the allusion to the
rusty rake with which you intend to
execute your revenge made us a little
unnerved.
We know you have clarified that
you were not even joking and not
even kidding in addition to being so
serious right now when you sent that
email, but you also promised forgive-
ness assuming a timely admission of
responsibility.
Hopefully this note reaches you
before you succeed in your mission
to figure out who did this and GET
[their] SORRY ASS IN JAIL.
We hope we can put this incident
behind us and move forward in the
spirit of compassion and friendship.
Respect,
The Kenyon Collegiate
P.S. Let us know if youre ordering
Chinese any time soon because that
stuffs expensive and we have a han-
kering for lo mein.
Weather Forecast
Sunday: Stormy weather since you
and your man aint together with a
chance of keeps rainin all the time.
Monday: Bull weevil hail. For those
not familiar with this phenomenon,
bull weevil hail is when God rains a
torrent of bull weevils which swarm in
massive numbers and devour all crops
instantly. Leave your shades at home,
because these lil guys will block out
the sun.
Tuesday: No weather today.
Wednesday: On the upside, itll be
partially cloudy. On the downside,
theyll all be cumulonimbus.
Thursday: Whatever Indianas do-
ing.
Friday: Everyone always uses the
weather as small talk, so lets enhance
your experience and add some depth
to your existence by just saying THE
SYRIAN REVOLUTION.
Saturday:Nipple-accentuatingly
chilly.
2
Liquid In Your Trash Hopes To Live With You Again
The liquid is the most committed of your many trash-based companions.
By Colonel P. Dramadery
YOUR ROOM Sources from the
office of Housing and Residential
Life report that the puddle of coagu-
lated fluid found at the bottom of
your trash can intends to live with
you next year as you move into your
new dorm. The semi-conscious col-
lection of any and all liquids you
disposed of this year indicated that
you were its first choice for a room-
mate next year, as it does not yet
wish to part with its creator.
I mean, I dont see any reason
you two shouldnt stay together,
began Lloyd Nardone, head of
your housing area for the next year,
agreeing with the blobs sentiments.
He continued, If you had just put
a bag in your bin, we wouldnt
even be having this conversation.
Nardone continued his complaints
about your disgusting living habits,
stating, It was fine making accom-
modations for students with disabil-
ities and non-binary genders but
now we have to figure out how to
make a primordial ooze-being feel
comfortable, too? Jackass. The
Kenyon Drama Department Tommys Console Future Failed Actors
By Pierre LOuiseaux
GUND COMMONS This week-
end featured the advent of the Tom-
mies awards ceremony hosted by
the Kenyon College Dramatic Club,
an occasion designed to gift Tom-
mies, an award akin to an Oscar, to
deserving members of the dramatic
community. This event granted
participants in theatre a chance to
celebrate the spirited feats of mas-
tery conjured by their peers, all the
while offering consolation to the
majority of Kenyon actors who will
ultimately fail in the dramatic arts
upon entering the real world.
The Tommies were so much
fun! reported sophomore Drama
2 pl ea se r ecyc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
blob itself was also vocal about its
need to reside with you for the next
semester, or until the rooms pH
changes too much for it to sustain
itself. Must... live with master... it
said, using its newly-evolved beak-
like vocal orifice. He created me...
must live on... It then proceeded
to fill out his housing form using
the rudimentary English skills it
learned from the Shakespearean
Women handout you threw away
in October. The blob is unlikely
to cause much of a disturbance to
your future living situation. It only
requires a cool, damp place and a
can of Arizona Iced Tea each week
to sustain its current form. It also
may begin adopting your physical
characteristics, as it contains some
of your genetic material from the
post-Shock-Your-Mom condom you
deposited within it.
Despite the inconvenience, the
blob hopes you will grow on each
other, hopefully not in the literal
sense. In addition, befriending it
may be to your advantage, as its
housing number was significantly
better than yours.
Major Ellie Dinkle and recipient of
Best Sound Design for her ground-
breaking work in The Tempest. Ev-
eryone put on their finest attire and
it actually felt like we were cultur-
ally significant actors at the Oscars!
Itll be great to look back at this
fondly as the absolute zenith of my
theatrical career. Ill proudly put my
Tommy in my cubicle some day.
Coordinator and chief inspiriter
of the event, Chadwick Thurms 14,
indicated that the Tommies, were
created to honor the esteemed repu-
tation of recently deceased Profes-
sor of Drama Tom Turgeon and to
give the fine members of the theat-
rical community a chance to live,
if only for a moment, in the lime-
Junior Gives Birth To Lonliness Baby
By Laslo Mandelcorn
HANNA Allison Sneely 14 re-
cently reminded us of the miracle
of life with the announcement that
she is pregnant with a loneliness
baby. The announcement has been
surprising for Sneely and friends.
Sneely, who tried to keep her soon-
to-be bundle of sadness a secret,
gushing, I swear, all winter people
just thought I had mono, or I was
from California and didnt like the
cold, or something. None of us ex-
pected this miracle!
The pregnancy has not been with-
out complications and struggles,
however. Sneely reported craving
Kraft cheese slices late at night and
an unquenchable desire to stay in
on weekends and watch Katherine
Heigls entire romantic comedy
back catalogue. I had thought my
poor diet and lack of exercise was
causing me to gain weight, and that
my tendency to weep openly when-
ever I heard Aerosmiths I Dont
Want to Miss a Thing was due to
a depressive episode, she admits.
I had no idea it was just because of
this little troublemaker, gesturing
light, a feeling of inestimable joy
for which they will search but ulti-
mately fail to find upon exiting the
narrow confines of this institution.
I think this is a special opportu-
nity for our proud actors and work-
I look forward to putting
my Tommy in my cold,
grey cubicle.
ers of the stage to enjoy the mo-
mentary delusion that bathing in the
cherished legacy of Tom Turgeon
will somehow, incomprehensibly,
translate to a fruitful and fulfilling
career in drama.
When reached for comment,
Professor of Drama and actor Rick
Sneely tends to her unborn child.
to her growing belly.
Surprisingly, growing a loneli-
ness baby can be quite demanding.
I had to go shopping for all new
clothes. Luckily the Loneliness sec-
tion at Walmart has got you cov-
eredtheyve got everything from
your standard flannel PJ pants with
Craving Kraft cheese slices and a
desire to stay in on weekends and
watch Katherine Heigl films.
penguins on them that say Too
Cool on the butt to high-necked
sweatshirts with decals of the wild
ponies at Chincoteague Island.
There is nothing without a draw-
string, thank God.
Sneely advises other loneliness
mothers to steer away from self-
confidence boosting items such
as sexy underwear or hairbrushes.
Loneliness pregnancy is a special
time just for you and your baby, and
you need to remember that, she
added, examining a cherry jam stain
on her Mount Vernon Yellow Jack-
ets quarter zip and excusing herself
to go watch Say Yes to the Dress
for medical reasons.
Svenson stated that, The Tommies
were so cute. It was so fun to see all
the little actors bustling around all
dolled up like that, acting as if they
were receiving awards of any real
consequence outside of our insular
little department. Svenson went on
to say that, It gives [him] hope that
someday that these hardworking
kids will grow out of the delusions
of grandeur and recognize that their
dream of fame was just as it seemed
a dream.
The Collegiate would like take
this time to congratulate any and all
recipients of Tommy awards, along
with their admirable peers, and to
wish them good luck with that.
3
News and Opinion
The Official Cool Cat 4/20 Celebration Guide-izzle
By Not The Sheriff
Buenos Dias all you Lords and La-
dies. Mr. Smokeweed420 is here with
all the info you need to get all pot-
ted up on this 4/20. If you cats keep
your ears peeled and stay hep to my
jive, well have you flying high on
those marijuana cigarettes in no time.
Heres some quick tips, ya dig?
The best place to hide is in plain
sight. No one will suspect you break-
ing out your six-pack of weed right in
Sophomore Hogs All The Internships
By Jeffrey Cashpore and Clifford
Seldom
GAMBIER According to sources
within the CDO, extravagantly
wealthy and extremely well con-
nected sophomore, Richard Gilligan
Wellfleet, has received an astound-
ing number of offers for summer
internships.
When approached by reporters,
Wellfleet admitted that, It is a re-
cession year and I think it is very
important to get as many high-level
internships as possible, both paid
and unpaid. However, Wellfleet
seemed unaware that his proactive
approach to summer internship has
left the rest of the student body
without many options.
Wiggin Street Coffee has report-
ed a marked increase in applications
for its two barista positions, with a
flood of three to four hundred appli-
cations.
Strolling nonchalantly through
the Caples lobby, Wellfleet admitted
that he had national aspirations for
his summer employment. I think it
is important to have internships in
multiple cities, how else can I ex-
plore various regional cuisines?
c o lle g i ate@kenyon.e d u  4
front of the sheriffs car. Hell prob-
ably just give you cool cats a high
five for your chutzpah, amirite my
dawg?
Turn your ghetto-blasting boom-
box up whenever youre puffing on
that wacky tabbacky. Tunes like Hitz
From Tha Bong or Smoke Weed
Everyday by Snoopy Poop Dogg can
really make your high touch the sky,
amigo. Make sure those songs are
audible for at least a .25 miles radius
and youve got a winner.
We all know that publicly visible
Wellfleet reported internship of-
fers from Apple, The State Depart-
ment, The Charlotte Bobcats, Wis-
consin Lumber Products Co., and
three separate positions from the
highly selective Teach For America
program.
While I understand peoples
frustration with the lack of avail-
able internships, I think that it is
very important for my generation to
experience the rewarding nature of
manual labor.
We reconnected with Wellfleet
after he had officially accepted
several dozen positions. He in-
formed us that while he would be,
stretched thin, his real dream was
to perfect his latt skills as both of
Wiggin Streets baristas.
social media posts are the best way
to let your homiez know that youre
a righteous dude. Make sure all the
cannabis you smoke is cataloged on
your Myspace, Friendster, or Insta-
magram. Stay smoked up, then get
loaded down (on the internets) am I
right, though?
We all know us stoners have an
elaborate cornucopia of signs and
symbols to let us know where the
Lets yell about our
illegal drug transactions
as loudly as possible.
weedz are at, but why not just keep
it English, dawg? I dont know about
you, but I get awfully confused when
Ive finished off my third marijuana
tree. Lets just yell about our illegal
drug transactions as loudly as pos-
sible, and in plainspoken words. Lets
be real, Can I get a twenty of kush?
doesnt sound nearly as cool as
PLEASE LET ME BUY $20 DOL-
LARS WORTH OF YOUR THC
LACED NARCOTIC.
Hope yall have remembered my
sweet and easy tips. Hope you bros
stay mighty weeded out this semes-
ter. Remember, dont be a shoobie!
hashtag letsblazeweeds!
Your Hair Looks Better This Way
By The Wind
Hey, wow, you look great this
morning! I can tell that you spent a
lot of time on that hairstyle. Not a
single piece out of place. Oh wait,
except for that one. That big sec-
tion in the back of your head there.
I think if you juuuust move that part
to the front of your head itll look
way better. And that part on the left
would really look nice over there on
the right. Actually, lets just tousle
it all up a little. Give you that just-
stepped-out-of-a-convertible look.
That skirt is so cute, too. A little
long, though. Come on, its spring!
No need to be modest. It would look
way better blown up against your
stomach like that. Show your legs,
girl! Have you been working out?
Dont Forget To Sign
Up For Senior Week
Events!
Saturday:
Sadness Crafts
Sunday:
Nostalgia Tour of All The
Things Of Which You
Never Took Advantage
Monday:
Bridge Burning
Tuesday:
Carrel Decorating
Wednesday:
Expiration Dating
Thursday:
Cryogenic Freezing of
Remaining Youth
Plus, then everyone can see your
underwear. Off-white with weird
holes in it. So adorable.
That book youre reading looks
super interesting. A literary biogra-
phy of Herman Melville. Fascinat-
ing! I cant wait to see how it ends.
Lets just skip ahead a few hundred
pages. No wait, my favorite part is
in the beginning over here. Let me
show you. Sorry, am I going too
fast? Im a really quick reader.
On second thought, you dont
really want to be doing homework
on a day like this, do you? Seventy
degrees, sun is out, clouds blowing
around and changing the tempera-
ture drastically every three to five
minutes. These are the times youre
going to remember for the rest of
your life. Dont waste your time
with schoolwork! Let me just take
care of that printout for you. Ill
just keep it over here in the center
of Middle Path for a while, and you
can come pick it up later.
Ill go ahead and take care of this
power line for you while Im at it.
I know how much fun you all have
during blackouts. Dont even worry
about it. You dont have to thank
me.
News In Brief
DJ Snausage Will Not Be
Playing Taylor Swift
THE COVE After purchasing a
turntable at Best Buy, Paul Weland
14 has established himself profes-
sionally under the disc jockey name
DJ Snausage and will not be play-
ing Taylor Swifts I Knew You
Were Trouble no matter how many
times it is requested.
The DJ cut his teeth volunteer-
ing for a twenty minute shift at the
Archon formal last year,
Ive played big crowds, said
Weland, The Ganter. My friends
Taft. Im better than this.
Senior Refuses to Leave
Blanket Cave
OLD KENYON Sources report
that Lucy Gibbs 13 has only left
her elaborate blanket cavern since
the second week of March. The
once-flourishing senior has report-
edly become increasingly fearful of
humans and other things that move
to the point that she now gets food
and sustenance from a group of
concerned friends and and leaves
the cavern of warmth once daily
only to relieve herself and occa-
sionally bathe. Sources report
She used to be so fun, said Ra-
chel Snyder 13 of Gibbss recent
hibernation. Then she got this
electric blanket from Bed Bath and
Beyond and that was just the begin-
ning of the end.
According to a source close to
Gibbs, the senior just needs some
quality time with her heated blan-
ket.
No, its scary out there, said
Gibbs. People, the sun, all things
are bad. Aaaaaaand back to my
blanket cave.
Disappoint Your Dad Party
Rousing Success
GUND COMMONS This past
Saturday hundreds of Kenyon stu-
dents flocked to a crowded Gund
Game Room to attend Disappoint
Your Dad. This tradition is held
yearly to celebrate the Handball
Teams continuing winning streak
at the County Championships.
I love this party, says Hans
McFadden 13, but my favorite
part has to be the costumes! This
year costumes included not at-
tending Dads alma mater, taking
an internship with a local compost
co-op, tuning into HBOs Girls
instead of Magnum P.I. reruns,
several dozen dance majors, and
many more.
We are really glad that DYD
continues to have such a success-
ful turnout, says event spokesper-
son Chris Peterson 14, dressed as
a B- in Gym Class, heres hoping
the Handball Team keeps giving us
a chance to let our fathers down.
Seniors Deplorable Behavior
Actually Just Barry
NEW APTS Sources report that
the behavior of Barry Salmons 13
is not as deplorable, disgusting, or
downright pathological as previous-
ly concluded but just Barry, you
know? Despite nearly sixteen se-
mesters of data collected to the con-
trary, sources confirmed once and
for all that the history major from
Bethesda is not, in fact, an asshole.
Students convinced of Salmonss
being a douchebag met the news
with aplomb. When we were fresh-
man, Barry and I were heading back
North from the Bullseye reported
former friend Nigel Tran 13, and
he just started flipping benches on
Middle Path and chucking bikes into
the street. I tried to stop him and he
shoved me into a tree. I scraped my
face pretty bad. We stopped hanging
out after that, since I thought he was
a giant tool.
However, in light of the new
evidence released this month, Tran
relented. I was wrong, said the
senior sociology major, and his
propensity to belligerent alcoholism
and property damage is just a part of
him. And I accept him, now.
Former hookup Tracy Rudin 14
remembered Salmons as one of her
worst Kenyon paramours. He kept
saying this stuff about knowing my
clitoris better than me and wanting
to unlock my inner orgasm, but as
far as I could tell, recalled Rudin,
he didnt know much about either.
I thought he was a prick, but I guess
the delusion of his sexual prowess
just makes Barry, Barry.
Professors and administrators
sighed with relief when informed
that Salmonss infractions, lack of
His propensity toward
belligerent alcoholism is
just part of him.
effort, and general demeanor could
be attributed to his being himself.
He was in one my freshman
sections, said Professor of Eng-
lish Red Transom, and he was
constantly checking his phone,
never contributed to discussion, and
turned in the most lackluster work I
have seen in my thirty years at Ken-
yon. I ended up expelling him from
the course. Transom continued,
But now that I know all that stuff
was just who he is, I look back and
think, Classic Barry!
When asked about how the dis-
covery of his comportment be-
ing linked to the core of his iden-
tity absolves his poor life choices,
Salmons offered a wry smile. I
knew all along that I wasnt the
monster people made me out to be.
I knew that I was just doing Barry,
and now that other people know
that, I couldnt be happier so
happy, in fact, that I tore off the wa-
ter fountain of third-floor Hanna to
celebrate.

Georgia Nugent Secures Summer Internship At Marie Claire Magazine

By Peppermint Twiss
GAMBIER, OH As she finishes
up her time at Kenyon, Georgia Nu-
gent is definitely ready for the real
world and her newly-acquired sum-
mer internship.
According to Carrie MacDonald
13, self-proclaimed bestie of the
Kenyon College President, Nugent
rocked her phone interview with
fashion publication Marie Claire
and totally landed the most coveted
internship for anyone whos anyone
in the fashion world.
Nugent, who holds a PhD in Clas-
sics from Cornell University, cant
wait to travel to New York City for
the summer to work in an office
researching fall fashion trends, the
best two-week diets, and different
ways to spice up the bedroom.
When asked for comment, Presi-
dent Nugent briefly removed a stun-
ning pair of Fendi sunglasses and
asked, Have you seen The Devil
Wears Prada? Meryl Streep is fabu-
lous. I want to be Meryl Streep.
Last week, Nugent reportedly
sold every article of purple cloth-
ing she owns because purple is so
out, adding, Im trying to wear
She describes herself as a
strong researcher, and an
enthusiastic errand runner.
black from now on. Black is chic.
Nugent whose resume includes
teaching as an assistant professor
at Princeton University, a tenured
professor at Brown University, and
ten-year President of Kenyon Col-
legefeels up to the task of the
6-week internship. She describes Nugent poses with a copy of the magazine and a venti latte.
herself as a strong researcher, a said confidently. Five tips for a hot so freaked out about leaving Ken-
great writer, and an enthusiastic er- summer bikini bod? I got em. In- yon, Nugent commented. I mean,
rand runner. terview with Kristen Stewart about like, I know Im a published scholar
You want a decaf latte espresso? her post-Twilight fame? Please, I on classic Greek literature, but Im
Ill get you a decaf latte espresso. already called her PR assistant. also going to take the New York
Ill get five of them, the President I dont know why everyone is fashion world by storm.

2 pl ea se r ecyc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g  5

News and Opinion
I Cant Wait for the Real World
By Senior Drinking Alone
College isnt real, you know? I
mean, like, sure its this place on a
hill with a bunch of stone buildings
and there are people who are pretty
real on that hill, but it isnt real.
Real life is out there, after gradua-
tion. I dont know about you, but I
cant wait.
Hey can you beer me a beer
from the fridge? Yea, just a Pabst
is fine. They arent mine, theyre
my roommates but whatever. This
is my last one, I promise. Then Im
going to drink some water before
we go to dinner. Actually, hand me
two more and Ill put them in my
jacket so I can drink them at Peirce.
So yeah: College is this place
where nothing matters. Well, it mat-
ters, like dont be an asshole, but it
doesnt matter. I keep saying that
Senior Film Theses Disappoint By Not Being Classic Burt Reynolds Films
By Gunderson Threeply
Last weekend, the Senior film ma-
jors showed their theses in the Gund
Gallery Theatre to everyones dis-
appointment. Take, for instance, El-
lie Rosens Its A Long Way Down,.
While the story of a student caught
cheating forced to go undercover to
bust a crooked Philosophy profes-
sor should have been engaging, one
couldnt help but compare it unfa-
vorably to Burt Reynoldss 1973
classic, White Lightning, where-
in moonshiner Gator McKlusky
(Reynolds, in classic form) agrees
to help the Feds bust a crooked Ar-
kansas sheriff. This reviewer could
only shake his head in disappoint-
ment in Rosens ham-fisted and ul-
timately lackluster adaption.
Even crowd favorite Middle
Path Shuffle suffered on account of
its derivative nature. The comedy,
written and directed by Louis Polk
13, concerned itself with the tra-
vails of a plucky freshman (Nathan
Elgin 15) tasked with transporting
a case of Coors from his brothers
Taft to his single in upper Norton.
Of course the parallels to 1976s
p l e a se r ec yc le is s ue b efo r e o r a fter r ea d i n g 
Ill be in the real world and doing
real shit soon, like drinking during
dinner? Can you believe that Peirce
doesnt let us drink wine or beer or
do shots while we eat? In the real
world, when youre cooking for
yourself or out at a restaurant, you
get to drink! Why not teach us how
to live in the real world now, Ke-
No one else wants to drink
right now, right? Cool, I
guess its just me.
nyon, and serve alcohol in Peirce?
Its pretty obvious to me.
Hey this is empty can you hand
me another from the fridge? Once
Im done, want to go to Dinner? Ill
get more beer for my roommates
after dinner. No one else wants to
drink right now, right? Cool, guess
its just me.
So yeah, were going to go to
bars and have jobs and its going
to be really adult-y. I already feel
like an adult, but like getting out
of Kenyon is really going hit home
that we arent just some dumb kids
anymore.
Lets go to Peirce, I hear its Kung
Pao Chicken night; I Love Chinese
food.
Burt Reynolds, whose charismatic portrayals would have lit up the screen.
Smokey And The Bandit should be
obvious to anyone with half a brain
in their head, about the trucker
Bo Bandit Darville (effortlessly
played by Burt Reynolds) tasked
with driving 400 cases of Coors to
Texarkana county for Big Rig mag-
nate Big Enos Burdette.
Arguably the biggest disappoint-
ment of the night was Hooper, the
thesis of Raymond Guth 13. The
film demonstrated a painful lack
of knowledge about its own source
material by choosing to focus on
the aimless Womens Basketball
Documentary angle. The thesis
focused on the unsung success of
the Kenyon College Womens Bas-
ketball team, but none of the inter-
viewed players seemed to be able
Sexy NCA Attempts To Repair Damaged Reputation
By Bean Fenrick
NORTH CAMPUS New Campus
Apartment 200 began freshman
year at Kenyon College full of po-
tential. With dewy white walls, and
nubile plumbing, NCA 200 seemed
ready to make the most of her col-
lege experience. Early on, she posed
amidst autumn foliage and formed
bonds with neighboring NCAs who
seemed to have so much in com-
mon with me.
Seven months later, NCA 200 is
almost unrecognizable. The bright-
ness in her steps has vanished, re-
placed by mud clumps and a scat-
tering of Bean boots. There is a new
softness and warmth in her lighting
fixtures, but this flattering lighting
comes at a cost -- cracked light-
bulbs and a film of dead moths.
Early on, NCA 200 spent a
weekend hosting the entire Mens
Rugby team. Word quickly spread
that she was open to anyone, any-
time. Haha, new-new 200? said
an anonymous lacrosse player in an
email interview, Yeah its down for
whatever.
But the consequences of this
newfound popularity were harsh
and immediate. The other NCAs
turned their backs on me. Win-
to match Sonny Hoopers (adroit-
ly performed by Burt Reynolds)
boundless charisma and instead fa-
vored a disappointed delivery style.
The evening ended on a high
note, however, with the thesis of
James Boruff 13. He started with
an opening statement, thanking the
other film majors for their work and
proceeded to say that he was going
to play 1981s classic The Can-
nonball Run. This reviewer was so
delighted by Burt Reynolds perfor-
mance as J.J. McClure that he didnt
even mind the 95 minute runtime.
Although the previous theses left
a lot to be desired, it was refreshing
to know that at least one member of
the department understood how to
make a well-crafted film.
dows shuttered. I knew the lights
were on inside, she said. Rumours
spread: that NCA 200 was built with
funds taken from the Black Student
Union, that she was the source of
that manure smell floating around
campus. A typical Saturday night
found NCA 200 deserted.
NCA 300 said she empathized
with her neighbor. You realize
youre hot and new and you get car-
ried away by all of the attention.
But she added, Im looking out for
my own shingles.
By late Spring, NCA 200 had be-
came aware of its scuffed walls, a
malfunctioning sink, and the persis-
tent presence of the Mather Smok-
ers. But the turning point was the
housing lottery, which saw group
after group of seniors pass her by.
I felt worthless, she said. Even
Mather got taken. Gap-toothed,
slobbery Mather. She hopes it isnt
too late. Im hoping therell be a
second chance, summer housing.
Ill prove that Im different, that
Ive changed. Still, it may be an
uphill battle.
NCA 200 is always a good
time, but its different when youre
looking to settle down, said Nick
Thomas 14, who said he had decid-
ed on a Taft Cottage for next year.
Collegiate Staff
Scrambled Eggs . . . Roy McKluskin
Fried Eggs . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Basted Eggs . . .Ricardo Carrigamo
Poached Eggs . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Eggs Benedict . . . . . . Gunderson Threeply
Deviled Eggs . . . . . Bean Fenrick
Egg Nog. . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Eggs Florentine . . . . . . . . . Jefferey Cashpore
Hard-Boiled Eggs. . . . . . Big Jeff Oglethorpe
Soft-Boiled . . . . Jack B. Thimbleton
Egg Salad . . . . . . . . Peppermint Twiss
Pickled Eggs. . . . Drexel J. Thrash
Omelette Eggs . . . . . . . . . Pierre LOuiseauz
Huevos Rancheros. . . . . . . Elizabeth Wilkinson
Medium-Boiled . . . . . . . Col. Elton P. Dramadery
Cheesy Eggs . . . . . . . Probably Johnston
Toad-In-The-Hole. . . . . . Lady Lamplight
Ovary Eggs . . . . . . . Probably Johnston
EGGGSSSSS. . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . .Frying Pan, Whisk, Bowl,
Butter, Hollandaise, Salt, Pepper, Fork,
Knife, Milk, Vinegar, Toast, Cheese, May-
onaisse, Paprika, Mustard, Salsa, Oven,
Bacon.
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Smartie, Hal
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
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6