Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.

Vol. 4, Issue 8  January 25, 2011

Returning Juniors To Student Body: Wheres Josh Samuels? Inside This Issue
Alternative College Sets
By Charlie Adams and
Roy McKluskin
Up Shop In Van On
Gaskin Avenue
GAMBIER Upon returning to cam-
pus, members of the class of 2013 who
studied abroad for the fall semester
beheld their beloved Kenyon, took
account of the college as they remem-
bered it, and demanded to know where
the hell Josh Samuels 12 went. De-
spite facing a great range of changes
that occurred in their absence from
personal issues like break-ups and
self-actualization to broader changes
including several new construction Cookie Hoarder Insists
projects the two hundred-odd stu- Josh Samuels, in his days at Kenyon College.
dents who spent the last five months this week? Is he living off-campus? arrived on campus after break. Its For The Table
away from Gambier were unanimous Wheres Josh? I still dont understand, offered
in their desire to know where Samuels Well-known for his dancing and Louie Waterford 13 as he strolled along No, Girl Sitting Alone
had gone and why. devoted Lady Gaga fandom, Samuels Middle Path last week with friends. Doesnt Need The Chair
Seriously, you guys, wheres also wrote and produced several popu- People keep telling me that Josh Sam-
Josh Samuels? asked Carrie Pick- lar internet videos. He first became a uels isnt at Kenyon any more, and I say Transfer Transfers
man 13 within minutes of returning rose to prominence at Kenyon thanks No, you must be mistaken. Thats not
last week. Hes not on Middle Path, to his distinctive sartorial presence, possible. The guy is like like, what Senior Finally Figures
hes not in the atrium, hes not danc- the absence of which was immediately is Kenyon without him? I wouldnt
ing in the front row in Rosse Hall I sensed and called into question by ev- even recognize the place. Out Which Building
dont understand. Is Josh out of town ery member of the Junior class as they Wheres Josh? he added. Is Bushnell

The Kenyon Collegiate is currently accepting new applicants.

Email collegiate@kenyon.edu to apply.
More Students Turning Off JSTOR Safe-Search WKCO DJ Just Gonna Play Some Music He Likes
By Ricardo Carrigano
OLIN LIBRARY According to
a study released by LBIS this week,
more and more students have begun
setting their JSTOR Safe-Search
settings to off. While this unfiltered
mode of the academic journal database
referred to by LBIS employees as
the plastic-sleeve version pro-
vides more access to content, it also
yields some unseemly results.
One anonymous student tracked by
the study was looking up Flamboy-
ant style + English for an art history
assignment when he stumbled across
a periodical article that seemed less
focused on the architectural idiom
notable during the Late Gothic period
than toward two English gentlemen
engaging in activity most assuredly
flamboyant in style. The query also
returned three pages of scholarly ar-
ticles about Elton John.
Even students who did not partici-
pate in the study agree with its find-
ings. English major Cary Hunter 13
said that, in looking for a critical essay
on Henry Jamess narrative style, she
discovered an article entitled, Les-
sons of the Master: The Henry James
Novel. To her surprise, a video re-
cording popped up of a woman sitting
in a high-backed chair reading What
Maisie Knew. Hunter said the woman
then sensuously turned her gaze to the
camera, inviting the junior to come
watch [her] explicate this [novel] in a
more tutorial-like setting.
Thankfully, added Hunter, the
Continued on page 3.
By Billy Hughes
FARR HALL Junior Brad Ran-
dusky announced last night that he
will return to the airwaves next month
with a brand new radio show. Entitled
Mythic Suits, it will feature music
he likes.
Randusky first came to prominence
in the WKCO scene in the spring of
2010 with his show Torrents of Rain-
water. Randusky credits the success
of Torrents with his groundbreak-
ing theme of playing songs he had re-
cently discovered and wanted to listen
to again, while occasionally mixing
things up and playing songs he liked in
high school or middle school but just
hadnt listened to in a while.
The Junior DJ has become some-
thing of a celebrity for his radio shows,
which feature music that he thinks is
pretty cool and sometimes music
that he describes as chill. He has
also been praised for the diversity of
his programming. Known to select
If I judge it to be worthy of
my liking, you better believe
Ill play it.
tracks spanning across the decades,
he often plays oldies like Bob Dylan
along with newer, more obscure bands
like The Black Keys. No matter the
style or time period, said Randusky,
if I judge it to be worthy of my liking,
you better believe Ill play it.
When pressed for information,
Continued on page 3.

t he kenyon collegiat e  1
News In Brief
Confused Student Tries
To Order Lobster Roll
From Middle Ground
MIDDLE GROUND CAF
Sources report that at 6 p.m. yester-
day evening, junior biology major
Megan Graziano approached the
counter at Middle Ground Caf and
attempted to order a lobster roll.
Middle Ground is a popular desti-
nation for students looking to take
a break from dining hall cuisine,
but the college hangout has never
before served New England seafood
fare, a source of contention for at
least one known student at Kenyon
College.
Despite the fact that Middle
Ground does not and has never of-
fered such a selection, Graziano
requested a lobster roll and blindly
offered up her K-Card before the
barista replied that lobster rolls
were not offered on the menu. Gra-
ziano replied by rolling her eyes
and ordering a medium-spicy em-
panada.
After coming to understand that
she could not actually order an em-
panada, Graziano scratched her head
in confusion and requested a third
option: Okay, okay, then I guess
Ill just get a double-down corndog
with the mustard on the side. Af-
ter hearing the commotion at the
front counter, Middle Ground cook
and part-time mosaic artist Randy
Wallace allegedly pounded his fists
on the deep fryer in frustration, caus-
Semester Abroad Drama Program Life Changing
By Chase Counterweight
CAPLES After returning from a
four-month conservatory-style training
program in New Hampshire, Greg Car-
lyle 13 informed his friends last week
that his life will never be the same.
Saying that his eyes were opened to
a physical and spiritual intimacy that
he never thought possible before, Car-
lyle reportedly told of a world where
borders are broken down and love runs
between every human being, adding
that he had seen such a world. A world
where artists live and work together
creating like has never been seen be-
fore.
I will never again be closer to
anyone than those people, confessed
Carlyle to the people he once consid-
ered his close friends, people who will
never understand love, but not, like,
2 p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
ing burns to his left forearm.
Graziano was last seen holding an
empty bowl in front of the milk dis-
penser in Peirce servery, silently cry-
ing.
Guy Using Peirce Wrong
Tom Somehow Already Peeps Formal
UPPER DEMPSEY According to
several puzzled sources, sophomore
Swamped
Kevin Davis has been using Peirce
wrong since at least last Fall. Unusual
habits such as removing entire bags
of milk for the road and casually
eating lettuce from the salad bar have
made Davis a subject of much scruti-
ny and discussion; even friends of the
undeclared Mather resident described
his dining approach as gross and
way, way off-base. Those close to
Davis were unable to pinpoint when
his erratic behavior began, or what
may have caused his apparent misun-
derstandings to develop.
Poor kid clearly just doesnt get
how to do Peirce, said AVI assistant
chef Cheryl Martin. Every few years
you see a case like this, somebody
whos just not on board with the eti-
quette and the boundaries. Like, yes-
terday, I had to stop him from pouring
hot sauce on a whole fresh serving
tray of fried eggs. Plus, of course,
were all on strict orders not to let
him walk out of here with any more
Nalgenes full of butter.
Davis himself, however, is unde-
terred by such criticism. I just love
this place, he said last Saturday eve-
ning in Upper Dempsey, where he
was eating french fries out of a full
metal serving tray. The desserts,
romantic love, more like an amaz-
ing platonic love that involves great
amounts of touching.
Carlyle, who comes from an upper
middle class suburb outside of Boston,
reportedly came to Kenyon without an
idea of what he wanted to study, but
by his sophomore year he had declared
drama. Carlyle credits his appearance
in Renegade Theaters production of
You Cant Take It With You with push-
ing him into theater. I auditioned be-
cause this cute girl in my Psych class
told me she was, said Carlyle, and
then I fell in love with the theatre. I
knew I had to do this for the rest of
my life.
But after returning from abroad
Carlyes outlook on theater has
changed entirely. I used to be content
to make people laugh, dare I even say,
to entertain them, said Carlyle, but
Homestyle, International, all the va-
riety the folks in the kitchen are
just geniuses. Thats what makes me
love it: every morning, when I walk
into Peirce, I know Im about to find
Roll Of Smarties
something new to appreciate.
Amazing, Davis added wistfully,
Mistaken For Ecstacy At
wiping his mouth with the Newscope.
GUND COMMONS According to
sources, in spite of only being a week
into the spring semester, Tom Serpico
13 is already sitting in Gund, com-
pletely and utterly overwhelmed by
work.
Serpico, a philosophy major from
Allentown, Pennslyvania, has man-
aged to exceed everyones expecta-
tions by inexplicably creating more
work for himself over the course of
the weekend.
I went in with philosophy reading,
an English response and some flash-
cards to memorize for a quiz on Ro-
man art on Friday, Serpico recalled,
and ended up with a research paper on
the African Diaspora, a figure drawing
portfolio due on Monday and signed
up for piano lessons every Thursday.
That and I volunteered to work in the
Bio Department as a lab tech.
As of press time, Serpico has man-
aged to sign himself into an intro
Dance Class, join Chamber Singers
and create a synoptic major fusing the
writing of Bertolt Brecht and the psy-
chology of evil, which he tentatively
titled Brechting Bad.
now I know that you cant coddle an
audience. An audience doesnt know
what they want. You must disturb
them. Carlyle has also stated that he
no longer wishes to be called an ac-
tor, but rather a theatre artist.
Greg has been acting pretty
strange, said friend Steve Gravel 13.
He gets up super early every morn-
ing to greet the sun and he wont shut
up about how efficiently hes able to
The students of Carlyles abroad program, and the other fifteen sixteenths of his soul.
Students are advised to disregard
any cries of Oh jeez, oh man! they
hear coming from Gund Commons.
PEEPS LOUNGEA roll of Smart-
ies candy was mistaken for a package
of Ecstasy pills after being found on
the floor of the Peeps Lounge late
Friday evening during the organiza-
tions annual formal, sources report.
The candy was discovered by Peeps
treasurer and designated face painter
Amanda Collins 12, who was rooting
around near a table of Kraft American
Cheese Singles.
I thought Smarties was some
kind of street name, Collins said.
They dont call them rolls for noth-
ing, right?
After the candies were dispersed
amongst the crowd of eager party-go-
ers, things started to get way the fuck
outta control, said fellow Peep and
Book Arts major, Oakley Barns 13.
Students reportedly experienced
what psychologists call the placebo
effect, behaving in such a way that
suggests an ecstasy trip without the
presence of any actual chemical ef-
fects. After consuming the candies,
students proceeded to flail their arms
as if caught in a violent seizure and
remove articles of clothing.
High or not, I hope my disposable
camera photos come out, Collins
stated.
move his body.
When asked about his friends re-
actions, Carlyle stated that his only
friend is the cold stage and the heat of
the bodies atop it.
No one will ever understand,
bemoaned Carlyle. Ill never be the
same again.
The old Greg is dead, added Car-
lyle. Now I have come out of my co-
coon. The world will be shocked.
2
Opinion
Notes From A Beard
By the Beard of Jack McGregor 13
Hey guys, its me, Jacks facial hair.
Its been a crazy semester away from
Jacks face, and as I look back, Im
overjoyed that I made this decision.
Believe it or not, before I left in Sep-
tember for the woods of Montana, I
was a mustache well, half mus-
tache, half peach fuzz. I was pathet-
ic, Ill be the first to admit. But as
soon as I broke free of Jacks face,
my hair caught a breeze it hadnt felt
in some time: the breeze of true free-
dom.
Montana has been good to me,
and some of my readers may be sur-
prised to learn that I am no longer
that pre-adolescent monstrosity of a
harelip, but a full, healthy beard wor-
thy of Grizzly Adams himself. Ev-
ery morning, I tangle myself in the
healthy forest foliage and rub myself
in the pure clay of the earth. I co-
mingle with the woodland creatures
freely; I just bid farewell to a pair of
baby robins whom I nursed to full
maturity within my healthy locks. It
felt good to really give back to the
community, and I know that Kip and
Brunswick share a bond with me that
nothing can break. Being away from
my face has made me realize what
being a beard is all about.
Jacks a great guy, but when it
comes to facial hair care (FHC), he
has some issues. Back at Kenyon,
Jack had me on a strict regimen of
Cheetos crumbs and obsessive main-
JSTOR, from page 1.
video ended right as she began to ease
the novel down her blouse.
When asked if he had ever used JS-
TOR on this uncensored setting, Pro-
fessor of English Reed Thistle replied
that the search-mode was something
of a secret among academics. We pre-
fer to not tell students about it because,
frankly, theyre not quite ready for
what theyll find. They need at least
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
tenance. Honestly, I love the guy but
sometimes he just didnt seem to
care. I knew it was time to say good-
bye for a little while, to get back
to my roots and discover the Beard
Within. My travels have been cha-
otic, but my fellow beards and I have
found ourselves in our pilgrimage.
We can all learn a little something
about facial hair if we say goodbye
to it. I mean, we may not be you, but
we deserve a little compassion. Here
are some ways to show your facial
hair that you facial care.
1. Lotion, lotion, lotion. Lots of
lotion. This onell probably make
another appearance on the list.
My travels have been cha-
otic, but my fellow beards
and I have found ourselves.
2. Occasional re-stylings, or
manscapings, will work wonders
on a beards pride. Beards want to be
the Sheriff of Nottingham as much
as you do.
3. A beard, above all else, wants
to be comfortable. Do what you can
to increase the comfort of your beard
to achieve a lasting relationship.
4. Want to do something fun for
your beard? Beards love the woods
like bears love honey. Do your beard
a favor and take him out to a forested
area, and let him explore. Listen to
your beard, and your beard will lead
the way, usually to some sort of foli-
age or clay. You can simulate this ex-
perience at home with dirt from your
yard, but its not as satisfying. Your
beard knows the difference.
5. Above all, have fun with your
beard. Take risks with your beard.
Something with some shea butter is
nice every once and a while. Never
forget that.
Well, I gotta go. A family of bea-
vers is trying to incorporate me into
their dam system. What can I say, I
make for a hell of a filter. Safe trav-
els, and hearty hairs!
four to five years of graduate work un-
til they can cope with the full range of
information available on JSTOR.
I mean, continued Reed, sure,
youll have to deal with ads like In-
crease Your Reading Speed By Up To
Four Inches (All-Natural). But the
sheer girth of added content more or
less rounds things out.
Dont Step On The Peirce Seal!
By Beauregard Beauregard
Traditions come and go at Kenyon.
We write our allstus, nail posters to
trees, scrawl pithy comments across
the weeks Newscope. But you know
what doesnt come and go? Endan-
gered species. So please, as a senior,
I implore you juniors, sophomores,
and freshmen especially freshmen
not to let one tradition die. Lords and
Ladies, I beg you: dont step on the
Peirce seal.
Lucile the Peirce seal has been
with us for a very long time: I can
remember seniors telling tales to
the freshmen about when they were
freshmen, and those freshmen are
now seniors telling our current fresh-
men about what its like to be fresh-
men. And also seniors. And also the
seal was there. Basically, its an im-
portant tradition.
Sure, maybe the novelty of it has
worn off, and maybe Im just being must be honest, I dont normally go
curmudgeonly, but I truly do believe
that some things deserve sanctity and
respect. Its part of why I came to Ke-
nyon: the idea that some things, no
matter how silly they may seem from
an outsiders perspective, are still sa-
cred. Out there, seals are attractions
at Sea World. Here at Kenyon, seals
are sacred. Please, dont step on the
Peirce seal.
How many times have you walked
to lunch and seen that adorably fin-
footed mammal hanging out with the
rugby team on the couches outside
WKCO, from page 1.
Randusky hinted that Mythic Suits
would be an infusion of the 90s Se-
attle Grunge scene, some of the more
guitar driven stuff to come out of
North Carolina in the early 2000s, and
a few of the Austin-based indepen-
dents to round it all out.
But most of the time Ill probably
end up playing The Smiths, added
Randusky.
the Great Hall? How many days have
been brightened by watching Lucile
balancing backpacks on her nose?
How many people have been spared
the shame of putting a full plate of
food on the revolving dish thingy
by feeding their flax-encrusted cod
to Lucile? Peirce needs her. Please,
dont step on the Peirce seal.
Even if you care nothing for
school pride, nothing says
Kenyon like a pinniped.
Sure, we have the Lords and La-
dies, and those are great mascots. In
and of themselves, they set Kenyon
apart from the run-of-the-mill tigers
and Spartans or what have you. But
we have a seal! A real, living, breath-
ing, Panini-press-using, seal. What
more could you ask for? Even if you
care nothing for school pride and I
in for that sort of thing nothing says
Kenyon like a pinniped.
It is said that if you step on the
Peirce seal, you wont graduate or
get married. It has also been scientifi-
cally confirmed that if you step on the
Peirce seal, youre giving her severe
back trauma and causing her to suffer
psychological distress at the sight of
human beings.
She was here before you arrived,
and shell be here long after youre
gone, so please, dont step on the
Peirce seal.
Please. dont step on the Peirce seal.
Students across campus reported
excitement at the prospect of hearing
more music that Randusky happens
to fancy that week. Brads got great
taste in music, said Rachel Green 13.
Its the perfect mix of popular songs
and more obscure songs that sound
like popular songs.
He plays the Beatles! she added.
How did he know I love the Beatles?
3
Point/Counterpoint
Good News, Guys! I Got In!
By Liza Stimpleton
Hey. You guys. Listen up. I made it
into the program! Remember? Im
one step closer to getting that teach-
ing fellowship! I just got the e-mail
last night and I couldnt be happier. I
know there are like, two more rounds
to go in the selection process, but I
really think my chances are only get-
ting better at this point.
Remember how stressed we all
PROFILE Students Sport Vintage Clothing, Opinions
STYLE
By Billy Hughes
KENYON COLLEGE Student
sources report that a vintage trend has
spread across campus, manifesting it-
self in everything from trim suits with
slim lapels, to a complete rejection of
the theory of plate tectonics.
Antique attitude is especially ap-
parent in members of the freshman
class who reportedly look to icons of
the past for ideas. Jack Werner 15
says that he takes his inspiration from
icons of the fifties and sixties, such
as Marlon Brando, John F. Kennedy,
and even the fictional Don Draper. I
prefer a slim profile, said Werner, a
good thin tie, conservative shoes, and
a crisp shirt ironed by my maid.
Someday Ill even be able to af-
ford live-in-help, added Werner.
Indeed, many students have cred-
ited the class of 2015 with bringing
around a revival of seemingly obso-
lete styles of dress and thought. But
Martha Gerkin 12 believes that this
vintage feel is nothing new. I cant
speak for everyone else, clarified
Gerkin, but Ive been dressing and
thinking retro for years. Poodle skirts
and homosexuality as a disease?
Come on, everyone knows that those
work. Latch on to something else,
freshmen.
However, Gerkin does give credit
to the class of 2015 for bringing
vintage thought into the classroom.
Freshman Greg Hanks has reportedly
C ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
were at the beginning of last semes-
ter? Remember when I cried under
my bed for an hour with a container
of Nutella after my advisor told me
I had to rewrite my personal state-
ment? Well, now it feels like all of
that was worth it. Gosh, everyone is
going to be so happy for me. I should
change my Facebook status so ev-
eryone can like my achievement.
Not only will my peers appreci-
ate my success and goodwill, so
will the children in Russia who are
probably so eager to learn. Imagine
how much they will glean! They
will be the sponge to my waterfall of
knowledge, the wind in my sail on
the journey toward goodly wisdom,
the wide-eyed deer to my swiftly ap-
proaching eighteen-wheeler of pa-
tience and understanding. I will lead
them out of the darkness and into the
light like a shepherd guiding a flock
of sheep from the hungry beasts
lurking in the forest that represent
like, ignorance, or something.
been bringing his first edition of the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders I, published in 1952
by the American Psychiatric Associa-
tion, to his Introduction to Psychol-
ogy class and quotes it frequently.
My professor tried to argue that de-
pression stems from depleted levels
of serotonin, said Hanks. But I told
her that its just a case of Hysterical
Melancholia due to feminine over-
stimulation, simply solved by rest,
air, and pelvic massage.
Poodle skirts and homosexual-
ity as a disease? Come on, ev-
eryone knows that those work.
Sophomore Shelly Tokins called
her style 1940s chic with a touch of
good ol British Imperialism, which
features bandannas, bright lipstick,
and methodical annexation of tables
in Peirce. I like things that comple-
ment each other, said Tokins, and
I really think the system of imperial
leadership via viceroy complements
my hair rollers and two-toned shoes.
While most students are reportedly
embracing these vintage trends, some
are a little slower to adopt them. I
consider myself a progressive, re-
ported Frank Dutcher 13, and Im God.
all for skinny ties and the like, but I
really dont know how I feel about
this voting rights for women thing.
Yeah, Have Fun Freezing Your Ass Off In Russia
By Arthur Shtoople
Okay, cool your jets, girl. No one
has won anything yet, so stop acting
like youve got a reserved throne in
heaven or something. Ugh, Im so
sick of hearing all of these tidbits
about your life. You got free soup
from Middle Ground that one time
because the K-Card machine broke
and you acted like it was divine in-
Student Returns From Abroad Socially Inept
By Gunderson Threeply
PEIRCE Recent reports indicate
that Philip Oldsman 13 has returned
to campus as a complete social wreck
after studying abroad in Innsbruck,
Austria.
Close friend Rebecca Glendale 14
remarked, I was all excited for Phil
to be back, but theres just something,
I dunno, off about him. Like he wont
stop talking about Study Abroad.
And then there are the crying fits.
Its like, ok, yeah, I know youre sad
that youre not in Austria anymore,
but you dont need to broadcast it so
much. Im right here, you know
Even casual acquaintances had no-
ticed a change in Oldsmans behav-
ior. I mean he used to be such a cool
guy, said Elliot Heaney 12, but
now its like everything is him saying
oh man I didnt have any friends in
Austria and Im so glad to be back
on the Hill. Its getting a little ridicu-
lous. I mean, hes great and all, but he
needs to stop this whole I ate alone
in the Bemis music room because I
was scared that no one would want to
sit with me thing hes got going on.
Yeah I know it was this completely
incredible experience, but he doesnt
need to feel like hes better than us.
these connections and had all these
I mean it wouldnt be so bad if he
didnt just tell the same stories over
and over again, said Ellen Haige 13.
Like, how many times is he going to
tervention. You even tweeted about
it later: GUYS guess who just got a
free bowl of curried red lentil from
MG!~?~! I couldve done without
knowing that. I think we all could
have, actually. Its like, cool, some-
thing completely mundane happened
to you and you didnt have to spend
four dollars of your parents money
because of it.
Now youre one step closer to
Ugh, Im so sick of hear-
ing all of these tidbits about
your life.
spending two years of your life in
horrendous winter weather. Mean-
while Ill probably work part time as
a Starbucks barista paying off student
loans. The only kids Ill be helping
there are the ones who cant get the
WiFi to work on their iPads and want
extra whipped cream on their pump-
kin spice low-fat frappacinos.
Oldsman, posing.
tell that I was involved in a human
trafficking ring against my will sto-
ry? Or man, even worse, the I didnt
sleep for 32 hours and then saw a man
in a dog suit pissing on another man
in a business suit in a back alley sto-
ry. He could at least throw us a bone
and tell the one about when the Rus-
sian mobster made him sing Castle
in the Clouds from Les Miserables at
gunpoint again.
Look, its great that he made all
amazing experiences, dont get me
wrong, she added, but goddamn
dude, you have to change up your
material a little bit.
4
Opinion
Its That Time Of Year Again
By Crippling Seasonal Depression
Well folks, once again weve made
it this far. After beginning first se-
mester in the dappled August sun-
light, ducks lined neatly in a row
(quacking strains of Kokosing
Farewell of course!) we watched
the fall foliage come and go in all
its effervescent beauty, your zeal for
learning following swiftly behind.
The bitter sting of finals week came
and went. But truly the best month
of the year still lies ahead. Yes chil-
dren, I speak of Cupids month, of
February.
Whether youre a junior regret-
ting your decision not to go abroad,
a freshman still pining for Middle-
bury (or Swarthmore! Remember
how your mother sobbed when you
got rejected?), or an institutional-
ized senior considering becoming
Freshman Hanging Out Publically In Towel Not Actually Locked Out Of Room
By Button Gwennit
MCBRIDE Last Thursday eve-
ning, freshman Anthropology major
Stephen Santone walked down the
corridor of McBride Hall wearing
nothing but a towel around his waist
and a pair of Lincoln High School Ju-
nior Varsity Tennis flip flops. When
asked by several of his hallmates
whether he was locked out of his
room, Santone replied that he was
not in fact barred from the room, but
rather that he enjoyed hanging out
publicly in a towel.
Im just comfortable, said San-
tone. Im not actually locked out.
Ive got my lanyard right here, see?
Santone then proceeded to swing
a purple Kenyon lanyard with his
P.O. box key, room key, and K-Card
around his right pointer finger.
Sources report frequent spottings
of Santone in a towel and flip flops
around the McBride 2nd and 3rd floor
c ollegiate@kenyon.e d u
an admissions fellow rather than
risking the cold rejection of the
outside world, Ive got some great
activities planned for us this next
month.
First, I thought wed go with
alternating freezing rain and grey,
slushy snowmud, just to set the
scene. Im picturing you, in your
winter boots, sliding down the hill
to New Apts. and into my arms.
Im excited to be spending lots
of time together in your bookstore
sweatpants, which by midmonth
should be crusty with dried Ramen
water. I figured we could watch a
movie, or twelve movies, either in
total darkness at two in the morn-
ing or under the romantic glow of
Mathers finest fluorescents. Ive
heard that Sister Act II and Beverly
Hills Chihuahua are both on Ken-
ster. Its really up to you though.
Lets face it, we might spend most
of the film we watch scrolling
through the Facebook of an ex or
getting really good at Fruit Ninja
anyway. Whatever your choice, just
know Ill be there to get Cheez-Nip
dust in your hair and grape Kool
Aid on your roommates laptop.
While were at it, I thought we
might also go completely slack aca-
demically, have a few drinks before
AT. Oooh. I know. Maybe we could
try out that Mulligan thing I saw on
the registrars website...the possi-
bilities are really endless.
lounges, by the vending machines,
and in the laundry room. When asked
repeatedly if he was locked out of his
room, Santone chuckled and respond-
ed by saying, Just chilling.
When meeting a group of friends
in Gund Commons for a casual game
of pool last week, Santone promptly
removed his North Face fur-lined
parka and revealed the familiar pasty
white chest and terrycloth towel that
is now considered a staple of San-
tones wardrobe.
Roommate Chad Mostow com-
mented, Santones just a crazy dude.
Love that guy. Whats strange though
is that Ive never actually seen him
take a shower. Mostow now prefers
to leave the door to the room wide
open as to avoid any confusion or
miscommunication between the two
roommates.
Santone claims that by freeing
himself of traditional clothing choic-
es, he better expresses his unique
Could You Keep It Down With The Terrible Sex?
By Thadeus Dillworth
Hey, Whats up man? How was
your weekend? Listen: I dont mean
to be rude, but you know the walls
are pretty thin around here, and I
couldnt help overhearing that it
sounded like you were having some
pretty bad sex Saturday night. Now,
Im not one to judge I may only
have had one girlfriend but it
seems you could really use some
improvement. At first I thought
maybe you were trying to loft your
bed on your own, especially when
you kept on grunting awkwardly and
mumbling well, where should I put
it? It wasnt until you put on Let
it Burn by Usher followed by Get
Your Freak On by Missy Elliot (on
repeat) that I figured out what was
going on. And let me tell you I
could not get to sleep at all.
Now, maybe I would have fallen
asleep if you had gotten into some
Santone, feeling free and easy.
sense of style. After all, Santone
explained, shower shoes are just
one way of saying, Look at that cool
guy!
kind of normal rhythm. That, I think,
wouldve been fine. But the con-
stant, nervous stop-and-go routine
just makes it impossible to drift off. I
dont mean to sound judgemental
what you do in the privacy of your
own triple is your business but
weve gotta learn to live with each
other here. I mean, how am I sup-
posed to get any rest when youre
right next door making such a racket
for thirty seconds every six or seven
minutes? Its unnerving. Of course,
I dont want to make things awk-
ward for your partner. After all, she
was silent most of the time, besides
answering her phone and leaving to
open the door for Papa Johns.
Im not calling myself a sex guru,
really. I see you in the KAC doing
only abdominal workouts, so I know
youre on the right track, but if I can
make a suggestion, Human Sexual
Behavior with Percy Willsworth
and Medieval Christianity with
Professor Fergenheimer both really
improved my late night activities
as I am sure you can hear.
So thanks for listening. As much
as I know this is awkward for you,
I want you to know there is nothing
to be ashamed about especially
not crying after making love. I for
one know it can be an extremely
emotional experience. Anytime you
want to talk, or pick up some hints,
my door is always open. Unless Im
busy, ;).
Gossip Squirrel
your one-and-only
source into the
scandalous lives of
kenyons elite
Wa k e y
wakey, Ke-
nyon schol-
ars! Another
semester has
come and
gone, and
with it plenty
of drama,
romance,
and intruge.
Yikes! But hope springs eternal, dear
readers, and the new year is a time
for new beginnings. Word has it that
certain notable woodland hunks are
back from their travels abroad and
looking foxier than ever in their thick
winter coats. Keep an eye out, girls.
January is a time for digging up old
nuts, not burying new ones.
XOXO, Gossip Squirrel
5
AVI Provides Most Authentic Excellent Chinese New Year Celebration
By Gung Hay Fat Choy
THE PEOPLES SERVERY Sun-
day Peirce dinner featured a pros-
perous, most authentic and excllent
Chinese New Year celebration.
AVI Employees dressed in match-
ing one-piece suits shepherded
hungry masses of students into the
Peoples Servery of Kenyon College
(PSKC), where they were directed to
the officially sanctioned Communal
Action Station, the other more pri-
vate-interest stations conspicuously
closed. Students then dutifully wait-
ed in long, snaking lines to receive
their rations of steamed white rice,
salted fish, and hot tea.
After receiving their meals, em-
ployees allowed students to gradu-
ally filter into only New Side Peirce,
as Old Side had been destroyed for
impeding the progress of the Chi-
nese New Year celebration. Students
sat in rectangular arrangements of
six tables, with five surrounding
one communal table in the middle,
to which every student was required
to give some of his or her meal. Any
Study: Toxic Pollution To Blame For Pleasing Winter Weather
By Charlie Adams
GAMBIER In an alarming study
released last Monday, a special
Knox County commission observed
a direct link between this winters
pleasing weather and rising levels
of industrial emissions, toxic waste
dumping, and open-air garbage
burning throughout the county. The
report, a 90-page document filled
with photographs of brilliant icicles
and snow-blanketed countryside,
called the changing weather pat-
terns symptomatic of out-of-control
abuse of the environment by Knox
County businesses and private citi-
zens alike. Members of the board
declined to comment on the record
but did direct interested parties to
a website detailing the early symp-
toms of toxic gas and sludge inges-
tion.
Its certainly been a wonderful
white winter for Knox County, said
Mt. Vernons own Mayor Dick Ma-
vis. Most days have been positively
summery, which is a true blessing to
our farmers, not to mention those of
us who dread bundling up and trudg-
ing about each December. But thats
excluding the handful of delicate, se-
rene white snowfalls weve seen I
guess Old Man Winter just couldnt
keep it all to himself.
Naturally, we were more than a
little surprised to find out that waste-
2 p l ease recycle issue b e f o r e o r a f t e r r e a d i n g
students who resisted this process,
or showed signs of nostalgia for
their table in Old Side were taken
downstairs by staff, where they seem
to have disappeared.
Yet about an hour and a half into
dinner, the tenor slowly began to
change as AVI opened up some Spe-
cial Gastronomic Zones, where stu-
dents could in small quantities take
food they might eat just for them-
selves. People were also permitted
to begin breaking off from their six
table arrangements, so long as they
did not threaten the greater arrange-
ment of the New Side.
However, shortly thereafter a
Many students were written
up, with the most grevious
dissidents deported.
group of students emboldened by
these reforms demonstrated in the
middle of the PSKC, demanding
that they might be able to provide
comments about the dinner its
preparation, execution, and regard-
A winter day in Gambier, made mild by deadly neurogas.
water runoff, industrial gas venting,
fertilizer dumping, semi truck emis-
sions, buildup of mercury, smoke
from burning tires, and carcinogenic
chemical explosions were to blame,
he added.
Indeed, the twelve-member com-
mission that authored the study at-
tributed the mid-December spate of
clear, balmy days to a combination
of greenhouse gas buildup, hot sul-
phuric vapor release, and the decom-
position of woodland creatures poi-
soned by organophosphates. Their
assessment went on to describe how
deadly cyanide fumes from an elec-
tronics plant near Fredericktown
were responsible for the thick ivory
snowflakes that blanketed the county
throughout January. In a concluding
section, the board cautioned citizens
to avoid breathing the brisk winter
In decorating for the new year, AVI spared no expense.
ing future dinners like it. The com-
ment card box and board AVI had
deemed too irregular, and replaced
it with many copies of Little Red
Cookbooks, which contain some
of the favorite meals and recipes of
Chairwoman Nugent.
For the integrity of the celebra-
tion, Campus Safety and Security
turned off the lights and scattered the
students out of the Peoples Servery,
returning peace and harmony to the
space. Many students were written
up, with the most grievous dissidents
deported to Denison.
air, basking beneath the fluffy win-
ter clouds, or making any contact at
all with the pure, glistening drifted
snow.
For years weve left the coun-
tys industrial sector basically un-
regulated, said former Mt. Vernon
Parks Director Harland Smith, and
now our chickens are coming home
to roost. Mild December nights and
fluffy, sparkling, dive-right-in snow
are just the beginning. If we dont
get serious about pollution control,
things are only going to get worse.
Imagine walking out of your house
in the middle of April, say and
feeling the warm breeze of a misty
evening, with the sun brilliantly set-
ting and fireflies just starting to blink
from the grass. Is that the kind of
world you want to live in?
During cleanup of the celebration,
a Bold Student 13 saw to it that
he would stand in front of the floor
waxer, impeding its path even as it
tried to maneuver around him. To his
fortune some of his peers whisked
him away before the situation devel-
oped into anything messy.
When asked to comment about
the lone man who stood defiantly in
front of the waxer, AVI told the Col-
legiate that no such person existed,
or ever will exist, and that it should
stop asking such damaging ques-
tions.
Collegiate Staff
English Barb . . . . . . . . Charlie Adams
Alpine Swift . . . Beauregard Beauregard
Blondinette . . . . . . . . . Clams Casino
Fish Eye Roller . . . . . Roy McKluskin
Muffed Helmet . . . . Gunderson Threeply
American Flying Baldhead . . . Boat Thorpe
Mookee . . . . . . . Barker D. Flugelhorn
Texan Pioneer . . . . . . . . Pumpy Calico
Pigmy Mariola . . . . . . . . Billy Hughes
Saddle Homer . . . . . . . Clifford Seldom
Blue Tumblr of Cluj . . Ichabod Townley
German Nun . . . Lady Beatriz C. Hildegard
Bavarian Pouter . . . . . Patty OFurniture
Tippler . . . . . . . Ambrosia Sweetwater
Bursa . . . . . . . . . Ricardo Carrigano
Budapest Muffled Stork . . . Button Gwennit
Clean Legged Spot Swallow . . . Sterile Meryl
Frillback . . . . . . . . . Jeffrey Cashpore
Pigeon . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Interns . . . . . . . Crop Milk, Squabs, Seeds,
Breadcrumbs
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col-
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
Retractions
Next week, the Collegiate plans
to publish a retraction stating that the
names of several Kenyon administra-
tors were spelled wrong in this issue.
With that in mind: S. Greogia Nugent.
Christina Mistranelo. Mat Groutman.
The Collegiate also wrote in last
weeks Ten Greatest Secrets of
Peirce that lime-twist Sririacha is
the greatest sauce in the servery. We
see that not one person has even tried it
since then. What the hell, people?
6