Philanders Most Splendiferous Source of News and Gossip.
4, Issue 7 January 20, 2012
This Will Do, Says Modern-Day
Philander Chase Before Going Home
With Drunk Freshman
By Dan Schlumphrey
and Sheridan Whiteside
GAMBIER HILL It was grow
ing dark this past Saturday when
Chad Fulton 11, a sophomore from
Cornish, New Hampshire, felt he
had outgrown the gathering at New
Apartments, the small frontier com
munity at the outskirts of campus.
Eager to find a new location for his
settlement, Fulton called Henry Cur
God Takes Giant Dump On Campus
By Satchmo Dirk Jerkins
GAMBIER Last weekend, our
Lord in Heaven decided to squat over
His divine toilet bowl and grace Ken
yon with the starry content of His
bowels after eight long months of
poopless weather.
Many students reported an initial
surge of jubilance at the first signs
of Gods giant turd-storm on Friday.
It was magical, exclaimed Jonas
Jonasson 13, a California freshman
previously unfamiliar with the fruits
t he kenyon collegiat e 
Vol.
The Best of the First Three Years
Fulton prepares to settle.
tis 10, and together they proceeded
on horseback into the gathering dusk.
Chad and I proceeded alone to the
Aclands, Curtis told the Collegiate.
The side was thickly set with an un
dergrowth of oak bushes, frequently
interlaced with rambling grape vines.
We struggled through these tangles
on our horses until about halfway
down the hill to the Milk Cartons,
when Chad, becoming discouraged
with that mode of proceeding, pro
of Gods mighty bunghole. My
hallmates and I went sledding at the
BFEC!
The student body joyfully engaged
in flinging balls of holy shit at one an
other all night. Freshmen sat in class
daydreaming about rolling and div
ing through the Lords excrement.
Behold, declared God in a recent
press release from Heaven, I have
blessed thy holy grounds with my
excrement. For nigh on many months
hath I clenched mine buttocks firmly,
containing (Continued on page 2)
inside this issue
Hazing Totally
Not An Issue, Says
Freshman Covered
In Bees
posed that we should take it afoot.
We dismounted and hitched our
horses, and then proceeded as well
as we could until we emerged at the
bottom.
I had no idea who lived there, ad
mitted Fulton. But I pictured here
my settlement: the whole panorama
of mildly attractive young maidens
that lay at our feet, the undulating
hips and varying surfaces of their
Photowall
unmentionable regions, eastward, Inadvertently
southward, and westward, with the
windings of their supple bodies all Captures Murder
were brought into view, and present
ed such a scene and landscape of un
surpassed loveliness and beauty.
I knew I was destined to plant a
flag in that fertile soil, he added.
It was that moment when Chris
tine Josephs 12 approached Fulton.
Standing upon the trunk of an old
fallen oak, and permitting his eye to
pass round the horizon and take in
the whole prospect, he expressed his Anti-Semitic Crow
delight and satisfaction in the brief
but significant exclamation:
Pecks Furiously At
Well, this will do! Discarded Bagel
Peeps Drop Greek
Status, Acid
Penultimate
Frisbee Team
Finishes Second
Wealthy Caucasian
Student Gets
Paid Summer
Joe Hanford 13 called home to tell his parents how
beautiful the shit piled outside his window was. Internship
1
Hyde, Fennessy Granted Tentacles
By Ed Strictly
ROSSE HALL Two of Kenyons
most respected professors have re
cently received tentacles: M. Siob
han Fennessy, professor of Biology
and codirector of the Brown Family
Environmental Center; and Lewis
Hyde, Richard L. Thomas Professor
of Creative Writing.
Fennessy, who has been teaching
at Kenyon for eleven years, said,
Receiving tentacles is one of the
highlights of an academic career. It
feels great.
Hyde said that receiving tentacles
is a nice feeling of accomplishment,
and it has been wonderful to hear
the kind words and good wishes of
so many Kenyon cephalopods this
week.
Both professors join the ranks of
legendary professors like Peter Rut
koff, Kathryn Edwards, and Perry
Lentz, who have been utilizing their
muscular hydrostats for years. Im
so proud of both of them, said
Lentz during a phone interview.
Being granted elongated flexible
organs was one of the great honors
Girl Of Your Dreams Boning Entire Lacrosse Team
By Saul Oldman
GUND RESIDENCE HALL The
object of your affection, the sole sub
ject of your hearts desire, the wom
an who completes you, Amy Oberlee
12, has haunted your daydreams
since your first meeting during orien
tation last autumn. Your four years of
romantic failure during high school
seemed not to have been in vain; tru
ly there was hope for you yet. Young
Ms. Oberlee, a smart, attractive na
She who holds your heart.
t he kenyon collegiat e 
of my life.
But its not just an honor. Ten
tacles are meant to serve as an add
ed incentive for especially talented
thinkers who seem to be inhibited
by four limbs. I would encourage
them not to grow complacent in their
new security, Lentz encouraged, or
forget how much of a responsibility
comes with having tentacles. I called
them my Eight Consciences. I had
the ability to get more done, and they
held me to it.
Indeed, if tentacles are inactive
for an inordinate amount of time,
they have the tendency to emit a nox
ious ink out of their pores. For this
reason, tentacled professors are en
couraged to be particularly cautious
around loved ones. Nevertheless, the
joy Hyde and Fennessy are feeling
this week overshadows any concerns
for the future.
Im relieved that the review
process is over and had a success
ful conclusion. My wife and ecosys
tem are extremely relieved, Hyde
said. When I told my eight-year-
old daughter that I was awarded
tentacles, she jumped up and down,
tive of Wilmette, Illinois, first caught
your eye during an informal get
ting to know you session organized
by your CA at the beginning of the
year. There, she expressed an interest
in both your favorite band (the Get
Up Kids) and your favorite movie
(Rushmore). The next few months
were full of what to any young man
would seem the beginnings of a ro
mantic relationship: the laughter,
the lunch dates, the glances across a
crowded room.
Little did you know that through
out your nearly yearlong attempt to
win her heart, Oberlee has been bon
ing the entire lacrosse team.
Yes, while during a private mo
ment she had confided in you that she
had come to college a virgin, Oberlee
was deflowered on the night of Fri
day, October 31, by Kenyon lacrosse
team member Jim Matthews 11,
after a Halloween party, in a dingy
laundry room in Old Kenyon. She
had come dressed as Princess Leia,
which you found especially adorable
given your geeky obsession with the
Star Wars films.
Indeed, Oberlees erotic adven
tures with Kenyons best laxers did
not end with Matthews. Two weeks
[Editors note: This article was sub-
Hyde, recently tentacled professor.
and during one of her jumps, I got
the idea to scoop her up with one of
my tentacles and hold her in the air,
and I held her tight as tears rolled
down her face. Later that day, she
asked me which tentacle I had used
to hug her, and I told her that now
that I was bilaterally symmetrical, I
just didnt know. Thats a moment
Ill never forget.
later she engaged in carnal debauch
ery with Matthewss teammate Craig
Anderson 11, during which time she
did not think about you at all.
Oberlees intelligence, her sense
of humor, her kind, sister-like de
meanor cause not only your heart to
go all a-flutter, they also inspire casu
al lust in the loins of college student-
athletes across campus. You had
always thought that your similar in
terests, her tomboy attitude, and her
seemingly angelic goodness would
predispose Oberlee to fall head-over-
heels in love with you. However, the
awkward way in which you speak,
your lack of a sense of style, and
above-average levels of body fat
prove to do nothing to attract her to
you in any way, shape, or form.
Sources close to Oberlee confirm
that despite the fact that she has al
most zero interest in you on anything
resembling a sexual level, she loves
[you] very much as a friend and
hopes that [you] can still hang out.
According to reports, Oberlee will
not be available to watch Superbad
with you this weekend as she had
promised, due to the fact that she will
be blowing lacrosse captain Travis
Howard 09.
This Article Is
A Haunted House!
By Sandy Johnson
mitted by Sandy Johnson, age nine,
the Wiggin Street Elementary student
who won our Write a Collegiate
Article contest for young readers.]
Hi. Its almost Halloween. Its
my favorite holiday. For Halloween,
I wrote an article thats a haunted
house. When you read it, please
imagine that youre in it. Thank you
very much.
Welcome to the haunted house!
Its scary. There are cobwebs every
where. And fog.
Read these letters: oo oo oo oo.
Theyre Frankensteins eyeballs!
Scary.
v v v v v Those are Draculas
teeth. He was an important vampire.
(R.I.P. Mummy) The Haunted
graveyard. (R.I.P. Wolfman?) (R.I.P.
Scary Ghost.)
Late one Halloween night, there
was a little nine-year-old boy who
wandered away from his mom. A
witch came and she turned him into a
toad! HAAHaha!
w w W W w w There are bats fly
ing everywhere around you w w w
W W W w w.
Whew. You escaped the haunted
house. Thanks for reading my article.
Bye!
God, from page 1.
the rumbling and gurgling within.
But lo! tis a righteous day for mine
children of Earth! Rejoice, my off
spring, for I hath anointed thy heads
and lips and ears with a graceful
For nigh on many
months, God
has clenched His
buttocks firmly,
containing the
rumbling within.
poop from above!
Meteorologists warn that God
plans to pinch off another loaf of
manna on our heads in the coming
week a fate some students are
groaning about. It was fun at first,
but I just get so sick of it after a
while, explained Chancey DiNostro
10. But if He wills it, then Im sure
its for the best.
2
Opinion
What Happened To Kenyon? Im Watchin Alla You
By Vance Peasworth 09
Hey, Fellow Classmates,
Do you remember the good old
days of Kenyon, back when the air
was crisper, the sunlight warmer and
everyone smiled all the time? As a
departing member of the last class
at Kenyon that doesnt totally suck,
I recall that tapestry of exquisite mo
ments that made up my earlier years
at the college.
Do you remember when students
would sit out on the South Quad,
their game-winning arms draped la
zily over a football or Frisbee as they
discussed the finer points of Socrates
and the Harlem Renaissance just be
cause they loved learning so much?
Now youre lucky to see two stu
dents whove taken five minutes off
from checking their iPhones for the
latest Abercrombie & Fitch fashions
to sit outside and exchange compli
Holy Shit, Im, Like, Abroad!
By Jean Shortz 11
hey yall!
im so honored that the collegiate
chose me to write an editorial about
my semester abroad, haha.
i was going to enroll in a fashion-
marketing program in london, but i
decided to go on an experimental pro
gram in tajikistan sounds totally
random, but annie and chastity, two
of my best friends from camp merri
mack, told me about it. they said they
were going, and then on the last night
of camp at the dance (we had chugged
white-wine spritzers while our camp
ers were getting ready lol, bAd
DaSsEs), they totally convinced me
to go with them.
well, theyre not fucking here. turns
out, they found out that i was the one
that told the camp director that annie
was pregnant, and so they made up
this program and sold me into slavery.
t he kenyon collegiat e 
ments about the New Ivies as they
jerk each other off. God, I hate them.
Do you remember when the
Bookstore used to be a haven for
the scholarly, a quirky little place to
unwind? Do you remember the cas
cades of literature, the kindly visages
of the workers, the innocent laughter
of children? It was so wonderful it
could make you cry. Now I only cry
into my pillow late at night when Im
sure my roommate wont hear me,
my body racked with sobs for rea
sons I cant even explain. Thanks a
lot, classes of 2010, 2011, and 2012.
Do you remember when waking
up each morning wasnt an exhaust
ing chore you could barely handle,
and when you wouldnt find yourself
sitting alone in Peirce, hugging your
self and wondering why we even
tried to make a difference in this
harsh, cold world? Those days the
days before people were staring, al
ways staring, just waiting for you to
slip up and lose focus so they could
come into your dorm room and steal
your furniture were some of the
happiest I remember.
If Kenyon doesnt want to be just
another generic liberal arts school
with crappy merchandise, bland
students, and an inky darkness that
seems always to hang at the corners
of your consciousness, I say we look
back at those good old days.
so im here. alone. wearing this fuck
ing curtain or nun outfit or whatever
it is. but, hey. im so adaptable. ok,
so: my family. im living with the her personal style as bohemian,
khayrulloyevs. theyre a lot different
from my real family, lol. i have three
moms, fourteen sisters, and eleven
brothers. i havent met the brothers
because im not allowed to talk to men
while im here. i dont think it would
be a big deal, though. i burned an oasis
cd and a coldplay cd for my brothers
and left them at the gate to their wing
of the house last night. one of the
whores who was going in grabbed the
cds for them (seriously, the girls here
are SUCH sweethearts!).
Im not really sure about the night
life just yet...i know opiates are,
like, kind of a big deal, just because i
work in an opium field from sunrise to
sunset, but im not sure if i want to try
any of the drugs yet. it could be fun!
when in rome!
By Yolanda Taunton,
Switchboard Lady
Hi ho! Yolanda Taunton here, in the
Safety office. Just waiting for you to
fuck up. And let me tell you what: in
creased attention to the task at hand
here in the Safety office has only
showed me how much a no-nonsense
moral clarity and sense of emotional
charity like my own are needed on
the battle royale of loose moral
ity and poor decision-making that
you all are callin a college. Ill let
you in on a little known secret. The
upper-ups dont want you to know
this some liberal sissy garbage
about amendment violations and
maintaining a false sense of privacy
amongst the student populace, wah
wah blah but I do more than just
wait around the office for the phone
to ring, practicing my shifty-eyed
and dubious look all night (though,
admittedly, that takes work). Big
Sister is watchin yall. back to Caples in the Safety golf cart.
PROFILE Theresa Im The Greatest
STYLE
Because I Have Bangs Feinman
Theresa Feinman 11 describes
ing your parents money on weed and
vintagey, with a little Southwestern
flavor. I know, right? Its like, could
you be more self-involved?
The Collegiate was forced to
sit down with her over lunch at the
Gambier Deli to discuss her so-called
opinions on fashion. She ordered
a fruit salad, which was like, God,
we get it, youre thin, and she didnt
even pretend to offer to pay. I think
its really important to find a look that
represents you and that is flattering
on your body, she said, as if it were
some kind of mind-blowing insight.
Feinman said she found some of her some guy from the Horn Gallery until
most distinctive pieces at thrift stores.
I love hunting through the racks and
finding something really special. I
got this belt for thirty-five cents, she
said, giggling, like shes so goddamn
Every time you proxy swipe that
K-Card, yo stunk-ass ID picture
pops up front and center on my
monitor. Yeah, Im not checking
muh bracket, not readin Jezebel,
Im watchin yo ass. I know where
you are and who you be where you
are with you be where you was with.
Every time you visit his room in
Leonard, Ms. Grace-Ann Montgom
ery of Lynchburg, Virginia, at 2 a.m.
on a Wednesday, I know. Every time
you slip into McBride after nipping a
third bag of Fritos from Gund Com
mons, Mr. Chester Washington II of
Big Wood, Indiana, I know. And lis
ten here, Mr. Thang, George Lewis-
Grisham of Big Sky, Kentucky, have
you no shame?
Just last night, no sooner had I put
my puppies up on the desk and settled
into the most recent edition of O did I
see Ms. Hayden Gracewater swiping
herself into Watson for another ques
tionable liaison with that dull Parker
Cooley. I had her on the phone faster
than a meth-laced squirrel. Dont
do it, Hayden! I said to her. I said,
You know what happened last time
you went to Watson, Ms. Lady. How
about you just walk yourself back to
Caples, Ms. Lady, before I have to
call the nice scrappy lady officer with
the snaggletooth to escort you and the
good sense your momma gave you
innocent. Congratulations on spend
Velvet Underground vinyl instead of
clothes. Have a fucking medal. Then
she said some crap about how vintage
clothes have superior craftsmanship.
Like, yeah, sure, Theresa, thats totally
what you care about. Craftsmanship.
After she finished her cantaloupe,
Feinman skipped off to join the other
magical fairies in the enchanted forest,
because shes just so goddamn whim
sical and adorable. Then the Colle-
giate went to the library to do home
work, because the Collegiate has to do
her own work and cant just flirt with
he does it for her. You know what? If
the Collegiate got little-girl bangs and
started wearing her grandmothers
jewelry, the Collegiate could be the
Queen of Kenyon too. God.
3
Lentz To Sail West From Grey Havens
By Beauregard Beauregard
MITHLOND After an illustrious forty-year career,
Perry Lentz, son of Lucien, will leave this Middle-
Earth for Valinor to join the likes of Elrond Half-El
ven, John Crowe Ransom, and Tammy Gocial.
Lentz, a mortal man who never bore a Ring of
Power, is one of a select few to be allowed to make
this journey. It is unclear whether he will remain mor
tal once there, or whether Eru will allow him to join
the Elves and become immortal like Tuor of the House
of Hador; supporters refer to his triumphs against the
Poststructuralist Balrog and the Witch-King Derrida
as evidence of his worth. His famous invective to
failing students You shall not pass! is said
to have originated at the first of these confrontations.
He was a great warrior,
and, as heir of Robert
Penn Warren, bore the
shards of Narsil.
Lentz, often called Perry the White, was the
eighteenth Chieftain of the Dnedain of Anniston,
Alabama. He was later crowned King Elentzar Tel
contar on March 1, 2931, of the Third Age, and
reigned until the year 120 of the Fourth Age, when
he abdicated, citing his inability to lavish sufficient
attention upon his cats. He was a great warrior, and,
as heir of Robert Penn Warren, bore the shards of
Two-Buggy Collision Causes Only Minor Disquiet Faculty, Administration
Manure Strewn All Over Highway 229
By Stillwater Stevens, with additional reporting by
Fisher Lapp, Senior Correspondent for Mennonite
and Amish Affairs
AUTOMOBILE WAY Verily, I intimate to ye,
events most distressing as came to pass one-half a
fortnight ago on thither paved thoroughfare.
With the blazing saffron orb having returned to
its home behind the hills, the Whipplethorpe clan
had recently quit its basket-vending establishment
set crosswards from Gambiers town square. Having
already cleaned the horses hoof-boots, it remained
only for little Amos Whipplethorpe to stop his daw
dling with the loop-and-stick game that so often pre
occupied his manner. A most infirm boy be he.
By the by, the Whipplethorpes had managed to
mount the Two Hundred and Twenty-Ninth State
Way on the family buggy and were on their passage
to the homestead whence another horse-powered
cart came skittering into the formers path.
The ensuing calamitous meeting of wood and
horse might have been avoided had not family pa
triarch Willis Whipplethorpe been lost in the em
brace of thought-fancy concerning the verdant sur
roundings: A flittering sparrow entered my field of
vision, intoned Whipplethorpe, as his lips met his
t he kenyon collegiat e 
Narsil, which, before the War of the Ring, was re
forged and renamed Anduril, the Flame of the South.
He also served as the Charles P. McIlvaine Professor
of English.
Lentz leaves behind his wife, two children, six
grandchildren, and a single unfinished work for his
loyal gardener and friend P.F. Kluge to finish. Asked
why he had decided to go to Valinor, Lentz respond
ed, How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
pipe. I could do no other than to follow its way.
A crash there was.
No need was there for an exchange of insurances
or monetary promissories; Beiler Stoltzfus, who
guided the second cart, was most profuse with his
apologies. All involved in the mishap agreed to pitch
in with repertory efforts.
Fate seemed to smile on the commune that day,
for the Stoltzfuses and Whipplethorpes were the old
est of friends. Ho, Willis, said Beiler at the time.
Ho, Beiler, responded Willis.
The Stoltzfuses.
How do you go on...when in your heart you begin
to understand...there is no going back? There are
some things that time cannot mend...some hurts
that go too deep...that have taken hold.
When questioned, Kluge said only, Oh, Mister
Perry, I sure will miss you.
Lentz sets sail aboard the S.S. Mithril for Valinor
immediately following graduation ceremonies at
Kenyon College this May.
Discover Twitter
With reporting by Diesel Jackson
Vernon Schubel is at Middle Ground blogging.
He hates how they play hip-hop during the after
noons. What happened to the good old days? Ugh!
John Hofferberth cant stop Twittering...
Kristin Hofferberth cant stop Twittering...
Yang Xiao is at the Cove 75-cent PBRs!
Vernon Schubel @Yang Ill be there in a sec.
P.F. Kluge is in his garden at home, listening to
otis redding. coffee, morning cigar and the nyt
crossword in ink. come by if you want tomatoes/
cilantro...
David Liebowitz @Kristin @John I think its
called Tweeting.
Bruce Hardy is going shopping for more kilts
totally underrated and then to a #sustainable
agriculture lecture in Mansfield.
Fred Baumann is listening to hip-hop in his
office hours.
Sam Pack whoa @Bruce! Calm down, dog! No
ones hatin, homie. Playa to playa, pimp to pimp!
Will Scott http://tinyurl.com/esnx
4
Opinion
Whats The Deal With Women?
By Chet Pastino 11
A lot of peopleve been asking me re
cently, Pastino, do you support wom
ens rights? And I just look at them
and say, Womens rights? Womens
rights! More like...women, right?!
I mean its the craziest thing. These
women, theyve got no sense. I mean,
theyve got issues. I was walking into
the post office, and this lady was there,
and she looked me up and down, and
said, Boy, you got a booty, and I
was like, Women!
So I go home, all sweating from
the women out there, with their eyes.
You know, trying to put the old dogs
Gossip Squirrel
your one-and-only
source into the
scandalous lives of
kenyons elite
Wa k e y
wakey, Ken
yon scholars!
Finals week
is upon us
and, despite
the focus on
academics,
it seems that
some filthy
alums have
returned to poach our most treasured
acorns. These fair-weather friends
are draining our time and money, not
to mention my personal stash. I say
these varmints must go my teeth
arent too wide to bite your cankles.
Excuse my short report, but this
snarky squirrel has some springy tail
to catch. You know you love me.
XOXO, Gossip Squirrel
t he kenyon collegiat e 
to rest, and theres my girl, on the
couch. I wanted to rent a movie, and
my girlfriend was like, Why cant I
just rent a movie about wearing my
sweatpants and talking to my sister on
the phone? Because they dont have
those movies!
These women! What do they think
theyre doing? Whats up with that
hair? (What is the deal with that hair?)
Its like, Hey look, my ponytail. Po
nytail? More like phonytail.
And dont get me started on the
way they looooooooove shoes! If
my girlfriend loved me as much as
she loves shoes, she wouldnt have a
closet full of stilettos shed have
a closet full of Pastinos. Am I right?
Buy one get one free? More like
buy one get one of me!
Im telling you, ISSUES (and
Im not talking about issues of Good
Housekeeping here!). I asked my girl
friend what she thought about Take
Back the Night, and she says some
crap, but all I hear is DARK CHOC three dancin legs!
OLATE AND ALMONDS! LET ME
GO TO YOGA! I LOVE RED WINE!
GOD, I HATE HAVING CRAMPS!
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
FIGURE? SEX AND THE CITY!!!!!
You know?
I mean seriously. All right, guys, all
the guys out there, listen up. Its wom
en, isnt it? Women. I mean, theyre
screwing with us. Theyre crazy!
Freshman Pretty Sure He Met A Dude Named Bee Bop Jones-Vincent Last Night
By Gunderson Threeply
OLD KENYON Last weekend,
Erik Murich 15 swears he had a two-
and-a-half-hour conversation with a
man who gave his name as Bee Bop
Jones-Vincent.
Look, I know it sounds ridiculous,
but I wasnt even that drunk, Murich
explained. I was standing in line for,
like, my second beer, and this guy just
starts chatting me up. We talked mu
sic, literature, you name it. He gave me
his business card! The cards taste
ful, understated, serif font read, Bee
Bop Jones-Vincent: Leader. Does Ma
chines. Cool but Rude. A Party Dude.
The Collegiate tracked down Hank
Regent 14, one of Murichs friends
who was with him on that fateful
night. Unfortunately, his story didnt
quite jell with Murichs: Naw, I saw
that guy, Regent recollects. I re
member thinking that Erik had been
gone getting us beer for way too long,
so I make my way to the bar and I see
The Ol Luther Honeybucket Salute
Gather round, Confederates and
hush-puppies, for ole Luther Honey
bucket has got somethin to holler!
I was squatting under the Kokosing
bridge catching crawdads with my
butthole when this here Collegiate
paper-mah-thing ask me to reflect
on the years happenins in the way
only a skeetle-poppin ol fah-lunkee
like myself could rightly do! Instead,
I done scooped up things from this
past year dearest to this old timers
ticker! As they say, dont carry a
mule on your back unless its got
/ Ill trade you my heart for an old
Toppin this here list is my good
ole war buddy and compadre Grand
pa Puh, that old coot you book-
learners constantly see shellacking
his sheath to nudie pics and titty
kicks over there in the Gund Com
mons! I salute your bravery and good
olAmerican gumption. As my con
temporary Grover Cleveland once
said, stroke on, you old mule!
him talking to this dude. Hes, like,
eight feet tall, wearing a paisley vest
with a pocket watch, and hes drink
ing out of this massive pimp chalice
with natral born hustla [sic] written
on the side. I saw from his lips that
Erik was asking his name, but when
this dude gave it to him, Erik laughs.
The dude looked pissed after that.
However, Nathan Ludd 12, the
bartender that evening, had a com
pletely different recollection. A pais
ley vest? No, no, you got it all wrong.
That dude was wearing a robe and
wizard hat, and had, like, a Beatles
haircut and a pair or wraparound
shades. You know, from 1996.
At least three women claimed to
have hooked up with Mr. Jones-Vin
cent, but all three whom the Colle-
giate talked to gave differing descrip
tions: to sophomore Clarice Helm, he
was really hairy, like a full beard and
shaggy hair, but had a killer bod and
was a great kisser. Grace Lucerne
12 recalls, He dressed like a Koke,
Three Tips For Slurp-Lovin
Your Steady Susan
As Mee-Ma Honeybucket used to
tell me, Womenfolkles aint nothing
but cabbage and lice and everything
nice. Well, Mee-Ma werent too
wrong, and with that naked fly-baby
Cupid fixin to pierce your pecker,
you best tune your hearin horn to Ol
Lip-Lickin Luther because hes got a
skunks bellyful of advice.
1. Honeybuckets Heart-Twitterin
Tonic. One tugll make your Horny
Hatilda or Lusty Lorna spread her
cheeks like a chipmunk chowin one
stinknut too many. Dont forget: take
three ladles of crawdad tears, a nose-
fillin of tadpoles, and a drop of musk
rat menses, mix it all together with a
half-barrel of tickle-burr whiskey, and
rub it on her milkbags!
2. If youre more of a traditional
feller, why not chirp your girl this
ditty: Sa-loo, sa-lai, sa-loo, sa-lai
pork pie. / Flipperdy do and a-flip-
perdy dire, / Give me your tongue or
Ill set you afire.
3. If all else fails, drop your ale-
stained footsie long johns and give
Miss Lady Girl a long, hard stare at
your meatwhistle.
And remember, folks, if her father
choked hisself on a swamp nugget,
SHE AINT KIN.
An artists rendering of Jones-Vincent.
but he groped like a member of Take
Five. Junior Karen Trug described
it as really weird. He took off his
shirt and he was all scaly underneath,
like a reptile. He said hed make me
a Queen in the hollow earth. It was
super-kinky, but I was kind of into it.
Bee Bop Jones-Vincent could not
be reached for comment.
5
Beautiful Campus Award Exposes Ugliness Within
By Granny Hayes
RANSOM HALL Two weeks ago,
Kenyon was named the most beauti
ful campus in the world by Forbes
magazine. Since the article was pub
lished, The Collegiate has set out to
find what professors and students
think makes Kenyon truly beautiful.
For religious studies professor
Royal Rhodes, Kenyon contains
the beauty of a modern-day Para
dise. Yes, Kenyon is Eden atop a
Hill, said Rhodes, looking up at
Old Kenyon where streams of ivy
used to cover its walls, but Eden
would be nothing without its nefari
ous snake. There is ugliness here I
can sense it. Rhodes then touched
two perfectly round eggs in a doves
nest, ensuring that they would hatch
motherless and cold.
For junior Samantha Lorba, its
the autumn foliage that certainly
puts a spring in her step and a smile
on her face.
When the leaves all turn a crisp
brown and cover Ransom Lawn, I
imagine dropping a single lit match
onto the foliage, said Lorba, look
Paving Middle Path Will Lead To Mutant Warfare,
Claims Man From Future
By Dan Schlumphrey
and Sheridan Whiteside
RANSOM HALL A Monday-
afternoon interview was interrupted
when a wounded time-traveling man
came crashing through the door, gasp
ing for breath and clutching a note in
his mutilated hand.
The man was able to choke out one
last sentence. Stop dont you neath Kenyon, forming a grotesque
mustnt pave he wheezed, and violent colony, the New New
blood trickling from his mouth.
Please you must open conflict. There will be a war a
glarblrrhblf!
As his body shuddered and fell, his
limbs slowly disintegrated, leaving
nothing but dust and the battered note.
Maintenance was sent for. Suddenly,
the note spread itself open on the
ground and produced a six-foot holo
graphic screen, upon which the image
of the time-traveling man dictated the
story reproduced below.
Harken, students of the year 2009!
I come from the future! Heed my
words, for the fate of what you know
as Kenyon College depends on them!
In response to the doom-words of
the late Parsons the Destroyer, the
administration will pave Middle Path
t he kenyon collegiat e 
At the heart of this beautiful college campus lies nothing but darkness.
ing over Kenyons rolling hills the
same hills where Philander Chase
once stood and exclaimed, Have I
ever seen the sun shine on something
so magnificent?
Not that I would ever do it,
Lorba continued as she picked one
singular daisy and put it behind her
ear, but I am just curious how much
would burn. Do you think it would
reach Leonard? Ha! Well, I really
have no idea.
Others, such as James Edgewick
13, find beauty in old-fashioned in
tellectual stimulation and the inner
workings of our own noggins.
in 2010 if nothing is done to stop
them. As a result, Hummers, yellow
Porsches, and other primitive, osten
tatious gas-consuming contraptions
will clog the Path and all your noses
with death-fumes.
Slowly, the Psi Upsilon fraternity
of Kenyon will mutate into bizarre
hybrids of man and lacrosse stick,
finally retreating into the tunnels be
Apartments. Resentment will beget
great and horrible war. Kenyon Col
lege, under the leadership of Warlord
and Supreme Physicist Benjamin
Schumacher, will turn into Kenyon
Army, a battle-training school for tac
ticians, strategists, and warriors.
A new hope will emerge in the
form of a mere child. In an effort to
destroy the creatures beneath Middle
Path, the young one will have to de
stroy the Path itself. But deadly radia
tion will wipe out all traces of Ken
yonia.
Help me, Erin Salva. Youre my
only hope. Dont pave Middle
Pa . . . AAAARUGH! My arm! [Gun-
shots] Dennis 2J7Y, into the Time
Sometimes I wonder what it
would be like to kill another man,
said Edgewick, a sophomore, as he
walked past the charming Sunset
Cottage.
You know, like, how it would feel
to hold the bloody body in your arms
during its last moments of life, lis
tening to it gasp for air, and know I
did this, that there is no one as pow
erful as I.
A red cardinal landed on Edge
wicks shoulder for no longer than a
second and flew towards the Church
of the Holy Spirit. Majestic crea
tures, arent they? he said.
strate a negative stimulus by shock
The time-traveling resident of future Gambier.
Pod! Hurry! [Gunshots] NOOOOOO!
Dennis! [Pause] You monstrosities!
Scoundrels! [Gunshots] Ill return to
the past and become your grandfa
thers!
Static followed the transmission.
I saw better performance art at
Oberlin, muttered a prospective stu
dent, observing the spectacle. The
real question is, does Peirce have a
cereal mixer? Oh, and tell me about
the Sustorium!
Professor Sleepwalks
Through Class
By Ichabod Townley
SAM MATHER Earlier this week,
Professor of Psychology Archer
Brint delivered a lecture to his In
troduction to Psychology class while
deep into the REM stage of his sleep
cycle.
His students reported noticing im
mediately that something was amiss.
Carol Borscht 15 claimed that not
only did Brint arrive several minutes
late, but he also had obvious bed-
head, was wearing a bath robe, red
striped pajamas, and slippers, and
was holding a mug upside down.
Brint proceeded to give a lecture
about classical conditioning with
his eyes half-closed. His students
continued to take notes in spite of
the many non-sequiturs during the
lecture.
He kept addressing us as ladies
He kept address-
ing us as ladies
and gentlemen
of Congress and
he paused several
times to keep
his teeth from
falling out.
and gentlemen of Congress and he
paused several times to keep his
teeth from falling out, reported
Joshua Boreal 14. I hope this stuff
doesnt end up on the final.
It was an interesting class, said
Julie Rampart 15. Professor Brint
would say a few things about B.F.
Skinner and how man is a will-less
product of his genetics and environ
ment, then he would try to demon
ing one of the bats he saw flying
around the room.
Brint then pointed out that the rea
son why all his ex-girlfriends were
sitting in the back row laughing at
him could be explained in terms of
classical conditioning.
Towards the end of class, Brint
climbed onto his desk in order to es
cape the marshmallow fluff flooding
the room.
Brint, who was last seen shuf
fling down Wiggin Street asking
passersby if they have seen his giant
strawberry, had this to say: My sis
ter took it from me. Its big and red.
Have you seen it?
6
Kenyon To Admit Women; Crozier Center
For Misogyny To Be Renamed
April 30, 1969
By Larry Sellers 70
CROZIER CENTER Lords of Ke
nyon, it seems the inevitable has final
ly happened. We all hoped and prayed
it never would we asked our rich
and powerful fathers to manipulate
the financial and political sectors to
prevent its occurrence but it seems
the dreaded hippies have finally won.
Women are coming to Kenyon...
as students.
After years of academic achieve
ment and numerous outstanding feats
of masculinity, the weaker sex will
descend upon Gambier next fall to
corrupt us with their hysteria and pe
culiar sensitivities.
I still cant believe this, said Mi
chael Shanks 70. Kenyon College
was founded with the expressed pur
pose of keeping women out. Thats
why its on a hill!
Indeed, the college, once a hotspot
for all things gentlemanly, will likely
be reduced to a shadow of its former
self with the arrival of women. Regu
lar activities such as pipe-smoking
during class and unrestricted use of
the C word are expected to disap
pear next term.
No Kenyon man has taken the
news harder than everybodys favor
Centipedes, Bats Cant Wait To Meet New Roommates
By Mildred Gout
GAMBIER As the housing lot
tery wraps up and rising seniors and
juniors look forward to moving into
apartment housing next fall, Kenyons
centipedes and bats excitedly antici
pate their arrival. Me and the guys
will definitely be sad to see our pals
leave, remarked Arthur McSpindles,
a 100-legged resident of New Apart
Flapperson, ready to surprise you in your sink.
t he kenyon collegiat e 
ite bachelor William Wild Bill Cro
zier 52, the unofficial Dean of Men
at Kenyon College. Crozier, whose
home on Wiggin Street is known to
students as the Crozier Center for
Misogyny, has been entertaining and
educating the men of Kenyon since
he himself was a student here. Crozier
could not be reached for comment,
having retreated into seclusion at the
announcement of the oncoming ad
mittance of women.
The Crozier Center, where the air
was once filled with the smoke of
Lucky Strikes, and Scotch whiskey
flowed like water, is being seized by
college authorities and is to be con
verted into the Crozier Center for
Women.
Sacrilege, I say, to any true Kenyon
lord.
Bill always threw the best parties,
said Dick Hornblower 69. Hed bus
in girls from womens colleges to
come and party here. And, lemme tell
you, these werent the uptight, prudish
college girls you read about these
were the ones who were really up for
swingin the Dickie.
Wild Bill was a real swell guy,
Hornblower added. Im gonna miss
him.
Bills bachelor pad is to be handed
ment A-1, but were really excited
about meeting new people.
Theodora Flapperson, an Eastern
pipistrelle bat who lives in the crawl
space of Acland 107A, expressed
similar sentiments. We girls had
a great time this year I cant tell
you how many rounds of Where the
Hells My Tennis Racket we played
on Friday nights! And then there was
the time I fell into their washing ma
chine and couldnt get out. Silly me!
Oh, those ladies kept me young. I
wish them all the best.
Hoping to accelerate the bonding
process with their new roommates,
Kenyons population of vermin has
revised its Welcome Week schedule.
Campus bats are brushing up on their
panicked, erratic flight patterns, while
centipedes scout out new damp places
in which to lurk.
Oh, Welcome Week is going to be
a blast, said Freddie Fangs, a centi
pede who lives in Bexley 104. The
first night, I make sure to let them
know Im always available in their
kitchenette sink, you know, in case
Bill Crozier and a friend in happier times.
over to his (for good reason) unmar
ried cousin Doris, who is probably the
last woman any Kenyon man would
want to neck with. No one knows
exactly what services the new Cro
zier Center will provide, but one can
expect that swingin parties and easy
women are not a top priority.
The office of College Headmas
ter (soon to be termed president)
William G. Caples has assured the
Kenyon student body that the Crozier
Center will continue to provide pro
phylactics.
they ever need to talk. Then Im gon
na hide in someones shower caddy
the next morning, just to shake things
up, let them know Im not their aver
age venomous arthropod.
Im really looking forward to dy
ing in my roommates bathtub next
year, remarked Hubert Flynosher, a
bat in New Apartments D-3. First Im
going to skitter around the perimeter in
a feverish haze for a few hours, then
Ill poop all over the place and kind
of crawl halfway down the drain. Its
gonna knock their socks off, for real.
While Kenyons pests look for
ward to meeting a new class of be
wildered, screaming residents, they
cant help but remember friends of
years past. Oh, gosh, you know who
I miss? Ryan Terry [07], sighed
Georgina OLegs of Taft Apartment
A300. I laid a bunch of eggs in this
tub of hummus he left open overnight
you should have seen his face
when they hatched two months later!
Of course, he had eaten some of them,
but no harm, no foul. I love that guy. I
wish hed return my texts.
Collegian Seeks
Perfect Pun For
Library Poop Headline
By Sheridan Whiteside
and Clams Casino
OLIN After pipes exploded in the
west wall of Olin Library Thursday,
filling the walls with excrement, the
Kenyon Collegian called an emer
gency meeting to come up with the
perfect poop pun to use as the head
line.
What about...Olin: A Library
Pooptastrophe? suggested senior
editor Margaret Tam 15. Or, or,
what about Poop, There It Is?
Wait, guys, offered features ed
itor Daniel Roberts 15, this is the
perfect venue to make an awesome
literary poop joke, because, like,
theres books in a library. And poop
in the walls of the library.
Thats a great idea, Daniel,
said Rebecca Anderson 15. What
about Shakespeare? Alls Poop
That Ends Poop? Or Poop for
Poop? Or Poop, You Like It? Or
Poop? Like Hamlet? Pooplet?
There we go.
What about
Shakespeare? Alls
Poop That Ends
Poop? Or Poop
for Poop?
The news team stayed in their of
fice late into the night struggling to
find the perfect headline.
We decided that the story was
so urgent it needed to be broken be
fore our usual Thursday release date
and should be published online,
explained editor-in-chief Angela
Norris 15. We did what we had to
do. Were Kenyons only source of
exclusive, accurate, impeccable, im
portant news material.
We could do, like... said
opinions editor Ronald Evans 15,
My Diarrhea? Everything Is
Illumipooped? One Flew Over the
PoopPoops Nest? Stool and Sen
sibility? Or how about Poop and
Punishment?
Yeah, yeah, thats good, con
ceded Norris. Thats really good.
Id say thats even Collegian good.
What about Wuthering
Shites? offered copy editor Anna
Warren 15.
Thats just inappropriate, said
Norris. Were a reputable publica
tion.
7
Construction Workers Push Shit Around
Then Assemble North Campus Apartments In 2 Days
By Barker D. Flugelhorn
GAMBIER After six months of
intensive shitpile-moving, construc
tion workers finalized the completion
of several of the new North Campu s
Apartments in a little over forty-eight
hours this past Monday.
What people dont realize, said
construction foreman Vincent Malone,
is that the true challenge of building a
residence is not the construction of the
house itself, but rather answering the
question, How can we move this big
pile of shit over to combine with that
big pile of shit using as many tractors
as possible? How many tractors is too
many tractors for moving shit around?
Should we import more shit to push,
or is the shit we have right now good
enough? These are the questions that
keep us up at night.
Construction on the new housing
began at the beginning of the fall se
mester, and was broken down into two
distinct stages. Stage one, an intensive
six-month process, consisted of push
ing small piles of shit into each other
to make bigger piles of shit, some
times across distances as great as fifty
feet. Once these mega-shitpiles were
formed, workers focused their efforts
on splitting the newly-made large piles
of shit back into their constituent small
piles of shit. From there, the small
shitpiles were flattened, and the whole
process started all over again.
Car Crashes Into Wall Of Flavor
By Roy McKluskin
MT. VERNON In a disastrously
delicious turn of events, a Toyota
Yaris crunched into Fiesta Mexicana
restaurant in Mt. Vernon on Septem
ber 25, pinning a man to the side of
the building the way a spicy Fiesta
Mexicana enchilada pins your taste
buds to the roof of your mouth with
excitement.
Describing the crash, onlooker
Chelsea Cobblefroth said it was
zesty, just like the tostada I just had,
which was piled high with golden rice,
refried beans, spicy jalapenito sauce,
and cool sour cream, and which costs
just $3.99 for a limited time only.
The car chomped away at an ex
terior wall when Mt. Vernon resident
and driver Leslie Lip lost control of
Onlookers described the incident, which occurred at Fiesta Mexicana, as zesty.
t he kenyon collegiat e 
For 6 Months You Wont Read
It was hard work, but I think that
we pushed that shit around like no
bodys business, said Larry Bucknel,
a unionized shit-pusher and Gambier
native. We must have pushed this shit
around the whole construction plot
maybe 6,000 times. And our quota
was 4,000, so were all very pleased.
Stage two of the construction is
what the workers jokingly refer to as
childs play. It takes approximately
two days, and consists of everything
else involved in building a residence,
including laying the foundation; as
sembling the walls, ceilings, windows,
doors, and general structure; and in
stalling heating, electricity, plumbing,
and ventilation.
It wasnt too bad, said Bucknel.
I mean, the hard part is really not
the wheel, which some speculate was
due to distraction caused by the sweet,
sweet smell of grilling fajita meat em
anating from the establishment.
The man hit by the vehicle, forty-
five-year-old Fiesta enthusiast Jim
Carmichael, said he was walking into
that mouthwatering temple of genu
ine Mexican flavor when the car
came between me and the slow-roast
ed chipotle-chocolate mole taquito
platter I was planning on ordering.
Carmichaels injuries seemed mi
nor to onlookers who described the
gashes on his legs as similar in depth
to the pool of cheese around a medi
um-sized nacho platter.
While events continue to develop,
only one phrase can really describe
the events of that fateful day: muy
caliente!
Malone explains the construction process.
in the building of the house itself.
Im just glad we pushed enough shit
around, or else wed be in some seri
ous trouble. I can install central heat
ing with my eyes closed, but you try
flattening down a mid-to-large pile of
shit with just a backhoe thirty times in
the same day. Thats the tough stuff.
Despite the difficulties of his task,
Bucknel expressed great excitement
over the prospect of the construction to
come in future months. Shit-pushing
technology is really entering its golden
age right now, he explained. In a few
months, well have shit-pushing bull
dozers that can push a pile of shit the
size of an RV for a mile and a half. Itll
really be a blessing to be living in a
time when we have the opportunity to
move that kind of shit around.
Collegiate Staff
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Col
legiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio,
KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
Staff . . . . Pumpy Calico, Gunder
son Threeply, Patty OFurniture,
Beauregard Beauregard, Lady Bea
triz C. Hildegard, Button Gwennit,
Boat Thorpe, Jeffrey Cashpore, Clams
Casino, Clifford Seldom, Roy McK
luskin, Ricardo Carrigano, Sterile
Meryl, Ambrosia Sweetwater, Ichabod
Townley, Charlie Adams, Billy
Hughes, Barker D. Flugelhorn, Satch
mo Dirk Jerkins, Gurl Wolf, Skeeter
Demiglace, Montana Criminitely,
Dan Schlumphrey, Phylenia Odious,
Tigger French, Sheridan Whiteside,
Gordelo 3000, Ming Shei Huarez,
Elgin Marbles, Dash Riprock, Sgt.
Clap Sturmison, Stillwater Stevens,
Esteban Sinclair, Jean Shortz, Dingo
Rockefeller, Joe M. Amasass, Diesel
Jackson, Cornelius Coot, Mildred
Gout, Granny Hayes, Eegull Eggel
stein, Ed Strictly
Ruth Thundercat Bubis . . . . Ruth
Thundercat Bubis
This Sports Article!
The Year In Review
By Ed Strictly
By this point, Ive pretty much come
to terms with the fact that no one
reads these back-page sports ar-
ticles, and so Ive decided to quit
the game. Next year, there will be no
sports at Kenyon, and even if there
are, no one will know about them any
more than they did this year. Before I
go, however, Id like to remind you of
how goddamn clever I can be when
coming up with these headlines. Here
are a few of the years highlights:
Mens Football:
Tigers Maul Lords In S eason
Opener
Womens Lacrosse:
Falcons Soar Over Ladies In
Home Game
Mens Soccer:
Lords Storm Past Thunder
Despite Ruined Cardigans
Womens Soccer:
Terriers Play Dead, Roll
Over, Chew Up Ladies
Parasols
Mens Outdoor Track:
Swarthmore Starfish Get
Stuck To Lords Faces
Womens Tennis:
Ladies Waltz Into Semis,
Refuse to Sign Opponents
Dance Cards
Mens and Womens Basketball:
Bumblebees Pollinate Ladies,
Lords Rip Their Wings Off
Mens Golf:
Gorlocks Grunkle Lords,
Cause Bomblating
And of course, my pride and joy, the
myriad swimming headlines:
Ladies Stone Saints
Lords Classify Platypi,
Destroy Mystery
Ladies Crucify Saints, Make
Martyrs
Lords Break Pheasants
Necks, Let Blood Drip Into
The Mouths Of Their Hounds
Lords Discover and Kill Last
Remaining Buffalo,
Use Only Some
Ladies Lobby Pope, Revoke
Saints Beatification
8