CHAPTER ONE

The Internet was making fun of me.I couldnt blame the Internet, honestly. Things
were going very badly. I had been on some disastrous arena runs, double 1-3 records, and
the commentariat was letting me have it. Thats what happens when youre losing while
streaming to an audience on Twitch. Then again, its also what happens when youre
winning. The Internet, as a rule, just likes making fun of things. This did not bother me so
much. I mean, it bothered me in a global sense, as in: Internet, I See This Is Why We
Cant Have Nice Things. But it didnt unnerve me.What unnerved me was the tip jar,
which suddenly had $500 dollars in it.Grief I expect. Money I do not.Lets be clear. I am
not a major streamer. Id only even started it a month ago when money from my last case
meant I could afford a computer nice enough to stream without lagging. And while Im
sure there are big-shot streamers who wouldnt be all that surprised by a $500 donation,
Im no big shot. As my dou- ble 1-3 records would attest.Wow, I said. Thats super
nice of you, Doctor XXX. Thanks for the cash.
The donors name was Doctor XXX, incidentally. Im not redacting to protect
anybody. Nobody in this adventure gets protected.
kool, typed Doctor XXX.
What the Fuck, said the rest of Twitch chat. What the actual fuck. Im
summarizing, because there were probably fifty guys in the channel typing away like
spider monkeys, but this was the gist of it. Everyone could see the tip jarthere was
actually a little animation of an oinking piggy bank that playedand the question of the
moment was Who the hell would tip $500 to mea noob with a 1-3 record?
Honestly, I was a little with Twitch chat on this one. Lets consider:
1. Some people on the Internet are Creepers.
2. People who give you large sums of money for no apparent reason probably
have a reason.
Creepers be real, yall. I dont want to hit this point too hard, but the two
questions Im asked most on Twitch are: Do you have a boyfriend? and Where do you
live?
As it happens, the answers are kind of, and St. Louis, although when I answer
this for Twitch, I round the kind of up to a yes, definitely, hes very strong, and
Missouri.
So I tried to play the $500 thing coolly, like this was the kind of thing that
happened all the time. Oh, another five hun- dred bucks from a nameless stranger? Cool,
I guess. Thanks for watching.
But Twitch chat did not play it coolly, because cool is not a part of the Internets
wheelhouse. How to explain Twitch chat, really? Its a bit like if the mouth breathers who
wrote YouTube comments could type really fast and were also dangerously caf- feinated.
Dangerously caffeinated. Like Trishs maniac boyfriend on Jessica Jones, but after the
mind-altering drugs.
Anyway, Twitch was all like: Doctor XXX wants some action. Romantic action,
was the implication, because why else would anyone suck up to a girl with a 1-3 record,
or so went their reasoning. Although, they conveyed this idea with considerably more
lewdness than I just managed. It was moments like this that made me generally glad that
Twitch didnt know my name.
 My handle on Twitch is Sunkern, named for my second- favorite Pokmon. My
favorite Pokmon is Jigglypuff, but I didnt want to run a channel with the word Jiggly
in it, and even Puff suggests a marijuana-themed production that I do not have the
funds or endurance to provide. So: Sunkern.
Ha ha, you guys, lets start another arena run!Go hang yourself, said Twitch
chat.Could I message you privately? asked Doctor XXX. And I thought: Oh lord, here
it is. Creeper City.
Lets not, I said, trying to sound cheerful and bright. Just type whatever you
want to say in front of everyone. Now, what class should we choose for the next run?
Shaman, Warrior, Priest?
Burnt! said Twitch chatIm paraphrasingDahlia Done Stole ALL your money.
Only they didnt say Dahlia, because I am secretive. In fact, Ive even slipped on the
channel and accidentally used my real name, which as far as they know is Louise.
Im opening the voting right now, I told the chat.
I know this is going to sound forward, typed Doctor XXX, but I was
wondering if you could come to the Endicott Hotel in St. Louis tomorrow.
Um, no, I cannot. This is not The Vanishing, Doctor XXX. But I did not say that
aloud, I just smiled at the votes, which were all for Priestthe worst possible class
because these guys were fucking with me. Every last one of them.
Gosh, I dont know, Doctor XXX, I said, trying to sound positive and not at all
concerned. I have a plan for tomorrow. This was true, in that my plan was not to be
drugged and murdered in a hotel.Meeting someone named Doctor XXX at a place I had
never heard of was so obviously a bad idea that even Twitch was against it. DONT DO
IT!!! said Twitch chat, with all caps and exclamation points and Kappas, which are these
scream- ing disembodied heads that are hard to explain because they dont make a lot of
sense out of context. Actually, now that I think about it, they dont make a lot of sense in
context. But no matter.
Even a Twitch chatter whose name wasand Im not making this upThe Grim
Rapertyped:
LouiseI hope youre not seriously thinking of going to this hotel.
There was a lot of uproar. For a group of people who tended to complain about
white knightsTwitch chat was being posi- tively paternal.
Take his money and mute him, said Twitch chat. Take all the money.
But Doctor XXX just kept on typing.
Theres going to be a tournament there tomorrow. For Dark Alleys? Kind of a big
deal. The winning team is going to take home $20,000.
Yeah, I said. Id heard about that, but I dont really play a lot of fighters.
This was a sort of a lie, because I had gotten slightly obsessed with Skullgirls for
a while, but this was a detail Doctor XXX did not need to know. Besides whichbeing
good in one fighting game doesnt mean youre going to be any good in another. The
sports equivalent is sort of like: oh, I heard you like soccer, so Id figured youd be great
at ice hockey. Yes, the two sports are, very broadly speaking, similar, but the devil is
really in the details, as youll discover when you break your legs as you try to run across
a sheet of ice.
Some serious stuff is going to go down at that tournament, said Doctor XXX.
Sounds like a fun day, I told him, right-clicking to bring up the mute option.
 And I think that there should be a detective on hand.
And that stopped me cold, because who was Doctor XXX to be aware of the
Dahlia Moss, Geek Detective phenomenon? As far as Twitch chat knew, my name was
Louise NoLastName, and the only mysteries Id ever solved for them were Nancy Drew
Hidden Puzzle games, which I actually struggled with a lot.
Doctor XXX knew who I was.
Why do you think there should be a detective on hand? I asked, with as much
disinterest as I could feign.
I dont want to say in chat, typed Doctor XXX. But if you showed up, I could
tell you in person. Ill be wearing a green hat if you do. I hope you do.
Girl, dont, said Twitch chat.
I dont know why Im making Twitch sound like my gay best friend, because that
is fundamentally not their vibe.
You better just take that money and forget this scrub. *swooshy hand* *finger
snap*
See? I keep doing it.
But I listened to Twitch, actually. I know that seems out of characteractually
taking someones good advice. But with all those Kappas and exclamation points, how
could I not? I clicked Mute on the drop-down menu and said: All right; lets start
another run.
I even went 7-3; and I made $500, so I was having a pretty good night. But thats
just it, isnt it? Things are always great until the bodies start piling up.