ENGLISH IS FUNNY

English Pronunciation

Dearest creature in creation,

Studying English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
It will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer.
Pray console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it.

Just compare heart, beard and heard,

Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say - said, pay - paid, laid, but plaid.
Now I durely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.

Previous, precious; fuchsia, via;

Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir;
Cloven, oven; how and low;
Script, receipt; shoe, poem, toe,
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and terpsichore;
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles;
Exiles, similes, reviles;
Wholly, holly, signal, signing;
Thames, examining, combining.

Scholar, vicar and cigar;

Solar, mica, war and far;
From desire-desirable; admirable from admire;
Lumber, plumber; bier but brier;
Chatham, brougham; renown but known;
Knowledge, done but gone and tone:
One, anemone, Balmoral;
Kitchen, litchen; laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German; wind and mind;
Scene, Melpomene; mankind;
Tortoise, torquoise, chamois - leather;
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.

This phonetic labyrinth

Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth and plinth.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like would and should.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rhyme with "darky",
Viscous, viscount; Load and broad;
Toward, to forward, to reward.

And your pronunciation's OK

When you say correctly croquet;
Rounded, wounded; grieve and sieve;
Friend and fiend; alive and live;
Liberty, library, heave and heaven;
Rachel, ache, moustache; eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed;
People, leopard; towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,

Between mover, plover, Dover,
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise;
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable;
Principle, disciple, label;
Petal, penal and canal;
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin; circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall-mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular; gaol; iron;

Timber, climber; bullion, lion;
Worm and storm; chaise, chaos, chair;
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Ivy, privy; famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.

Pussy, hussy and possess,

Desert, but dessert, address.
Golf, wolf; countenance; lieutenants
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival; tomb, bomb, comb;
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul but foul, and gaunt, but aunt;
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger,

And then: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal; mauve, gauze and gauge;
Marriage, foliage, mirage and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, job, blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.

Seat, sweat; chaste, caste; Leigh, eight, height;

Put, nut; granite but unite.
Reefer does not rhyme with deafer.
Feoffor does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull; Geoffrey, George; ate, late;
Hint, pint; senate, but sedate;
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific.
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but our, and succour, four;
Gas, alas and Arcansas.
Sea, idea, guinea, area.
Psalm; but malaria,
Youth, south, southern; cleanse, but clean;
Doctrine, turpentine, marine,
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Sally with ally, yea, ye
Eye, I, oy, aye. Whey, key, quay.

Say aver, but ever, fever,

Neither, leisure skein, receiver,
Never guess - it's not safe.
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
Heron, granary, canary;
Crevice and device and eyrie;
Face but preface, but efface;
Phlegm, phlegmatic; ass, glass, bass;
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, but scourging,
War, earn; and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here and there, but ere.

Sever is right, but so is even;

Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen;
Monkey, donkey; clerk and jerk;
Asp, grasp, wasp; and cork and work.
Pronunciation - think of Psyche -
Is a paling, stout and spiky,
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits".
It's a dark abyss, or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather

Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally: which rhymes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup".
 My advice is, give it up!

The English Lesson

We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
She could not live with a live mouse in the house.
It was just a minute prick and over in a minute.
His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.
We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read
There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.
You should spring that on us next spring!

The Funny English Language

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes,

But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,

Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,

Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,

Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,

Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,

Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose,
 And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,

But though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,

But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim.

So English, I fancy you will all agree,

Is the funniest language you ever did see.

Mysteries of Anatomy

Where can a man buy a cap for his knee,

Or the key to a lock of his hair?
Can his eyes be called an academy
Because there are pupils there?

Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?

Who travels the bridge of your nose?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth,
Would you use the nails on your toes?

Can you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand,

Or beat on the drum of your ear?
Can the calf in your leg eat the corn off your toe?
Then why not grow corn on the ear?

Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?

If so, just what did he do?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
I'll be darned if I know - do you?

Eye Halve a Spelling Chequer

(I Have a Spelling Checker)

Eye halve a spelling chequer

It came with my pea sea
It plain lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
 A chequer is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me right awl stiles two reed
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen

Eye trussed too bee a joule
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your please two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Reasons Why The English Language

Is Hard To Learn

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

ISN'T ENGLISH A FUNNY LANGUAGE ?

There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in

pineapple...
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on
parkways?

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't
ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two
indices?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns
down.
You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible.
And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it?
.English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in
France.

How can 'slim chance and a fat chance' be the same, while ' wise man and
a wise guy' are opposites?

Now i know why i failed in english.

It's not my fault but the silly language doesn't quite know whether it's
coming or going

The Very Funny English Language

English, unless you grew up with its eccentricities, can be a rather difficult and confusing
language to learn. The rule is that the rule doesn't always rule.

1. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

2. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

3. When the stars are out, they are visible,

When the lights are out, they are invisible.

4. If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

5. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

6. C'mon, let's polish the Polish furniture.

7. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

8. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

9. How can 'A Slim Chance' and 'A Fat Chance' be the same?

10. How can 'You're so cool' and 'You're not so hot' be different?

11. Why are 'A Wise man' and 'A Wise guy' opposites?

12. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

13. The bandage was wound around the wound.

14. I did not object to the object.

15. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

16. Boxing rings are square.

17. A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

18. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

19. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple.

20. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

21. The farm was used to produce produce.

22. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

23. If brother becomes Brethren, why doesn't mother become Methren?

24. If tooth becomes teeth, why doesn't booth become beeth?

25. If one goose becomes two geese, why doesn't one moose becomae two meese?

26. If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,

And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
27. How come Writers write but Fingers don't fing?
And Grocers don't groce and Hammers don't ham?

28. A hat in the plural doesn't become hose.

And a cat in the plural doesn't become cose.

29. A box in the plural becomes is boxes.

But an Ox in the plural never becomes oxes. (It becomes Oxen).

30. A lone mouse can transform into a whole set of mice,

But it's impossible for a single house to become a whole block of hice. (It becomes
houses).

31. Although the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, we must be grateful for small
mercies of the language that the feminine pronouns after 'She' don't become 'Shis' and
'Shim'.

32. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you
call it?

33. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

34. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

35. He could lead if he could only get the lead out.

36. They were too close to the door to close it.

37. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

38. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

39. You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

40. It is only in the English language that people recite at a play and play at a recital.

41. No sooner had my eye fallen upon the tear in the painting, then this eye of mine
began to shed many a tear.

42. I was given a number of injections to make the pain number.

43. It's not ridiculous, but entirely sensible to ship by truck and send cargo by ship.
44. We are a strange lot to have noses that run and feet that smell.

45. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

46. I was proven right that I had the right of way.

47. How come you never hear of a combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable person?

48. Why is it that whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?

49. Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?

50. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become
disoriented?

51. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called
"Holes?

52. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians
can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons
debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

53. The human race has been running for a great many centuries now - but we're not tired
yet.

54. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I
do" is the longest sentence?

55. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

Funny English Language

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

The bandage was wound around the wound.

 The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the
present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I was proven right that I had the right of way

Let's face it - English is a crazy

 language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,

we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English

speakers should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,

while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language

in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers,

and it reflects the creativity of the human race
(which, of course, isn't a race at all).

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.