11/30/2016 8ToxicPatternsinMotherDaughterRelationships|PsychologyToday

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8 Toxic Patterns in Mother-Daughter

Relationships
Despitethecommonalities,therearedifferences. Like 4K

PostedFeb02,2015

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Itstrueenoughthatalldaughtersofunloving
andunattunedmothershavecommon
experiences.Thelackofmaternalwarmthand
validationwarpstheirsenseofself,makesthem
lackconfidence
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/confid
ence)inorbewaryofcloseemotional
connection,andshapestheminwaysthatare
bothseenandunseen.

Source:IakovFilimonov/Shutterstock
Whataretheymissing?IwillquoteJudithViorst
becauseherdescriptionofwhatanattuned
mothercommunicatesthroughgaze,gesture,andwordispitchperfect:

'Youarewhatyouare.Youarewhatyouarefeeling.Allowingustobelieveinour
ownreality.Persuadingusthatitissafetoexposeourearlyfragilebeginningto
growtrueself.

Theunloveddaughterhearssomethingverydifferent,andtakesawayanotherlessonentirely.Unlike
thedaughterofanattunedmotherwhogrowsinreflectedlight,theunloveddaughterisdiminishedby
theconnection.

Yet,despitethebroadstrokesofthissharedandpainfulexperience,thepatternofconnectionhow
themotherinteractswithherdaughtervariessignificantlyfromonepairtoanother.Thesedifferent
behaviorsaffectdaughtersinspecificways.Ivecompiledalistofthesepatterns,drawnfrommyown
experiencesandthoseofthemanydaughtersIvespokentoovertheyearssinceIfirstbegan
researchingMeanMothers.SinceImneitheratherapistnorapsychologist,thenamesIvegiventhem
arentscientificbutchosenforclarity.Yetdifferentiatingthesepatternsinbroadtermscanhelp
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daughtersrecognize,understand,sortthrough,andultimatelybegintomanagetheseveryproblematic
andpainfulinteractions.Thesebehaviorsarentmutuallyexclusive,ofcoursemyownmotherwas
dismissive,combative,unreliable,andselfinvolvedbyturns.

1.Dismissive

Mymotherignoredme,Gwen,47,confides.IfIdidsomethingthatIthoughtwouldmakeherproud,
shewouldeitherdismissitasinsignificantorundercutitinsomeotherway.AndIbelievedherforthe
longesttime.Daughtersraisedbydismissivemothersdoubtthevalidityoftheirownemotionalneeds.
Theyfeelunworthyofattentionandexperiencedeep,gutwrenchingselfdoubt,allthewhilefeeling
intenselongingforlove(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/relationships)andvalidation.Heres
howonedaughterdescribedit:

Mymotherliterallydidntlistentomeorhearme.ShedaskifIwerehungryandifIsaidI
wasnt,shedputfoodinfrontofmeasifIdsaidnothing.ShewouldaskwhatIwantedto
doovertheweekendorsummer,ignoremyanswer,andthenmakeplansforme.What
clothesdidIwant?Thesamething.Butthatwasntthecentralpart:sheneveraskedme
howIwasfeelingorwhatIwasthinking.ShemadeitclearthatIwaslargelyirrelevantto
her.

Dismissivebehavior,asreportedbydaughters,occursacrossaspectrum,andcanbecomecombative
ifthemotheractivelyandaggressivelyturnsdismissalintorejection.Humanoffspringarehardwiredto
needandseekproximitytotheirmothers,andthereinliestheproblem:thedaughtersneedforher
mothersattentionandloveisntdiminishedbythemothersdismissal.Infact,frommyownpersonal
experience,Iknowthatitcanampuptheneed,thrustingthedaughterintoanactivepatternof
demand(Whydontyoucareaboutme/loveme,Mom?orWhydoyouignoreme?)oraplanto
fixthesituation(IllgetallAsinschoolorwinaprize,andthenshelllovemeforsure!).The
response,alas,isinevitablythemothersfurtherwithdrawal,oftenaccompaniedbycompletedenial
aboutwhattookplace.

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2.Controlling

Inmanyways,thisisanotherformofthedismissiveinteractionalthoughitpresentsverydifferentlythe
keylinkisthatthecontrollingmotherdoesntacknowledgeherdaughteranymorethanthedismissive
onedoes.Thesemothersmicromanagetheirdaughters,activelyrefusetoacknowledgethevalidityof
theirwordsorchoices,andinstillasenseofinsecurityandhelplessnessintheiroffspring.Mostofthis
behaviorisdoneundertheguiseofbeingforthechildsowngoodthemessageis,effectively,that
thedaughterisinadequate,cannotbetrustedtoexercisegoodjudgment,andwouldsimplyflounder
andfailwithouthermothersguidance.

3.Unavailable

Emotionallyunavailablemothers,thosewhoactivelywithdrawatadaughtersapproachorwho
withholdlovefromonechildwhilegrantingittoanother,inflictadifferentkindofdamage.Bemindful
thatallchildrenarehardwiredtorelyontheirmothersthankstoevolution.Mymotherwasntmean,
onedaughterwrites,Butshewasemotionallydisconnectedfrommeandstillis.Thesebehaviorscan
includelackofphysicalcontact(nohugging,nocomforting)unresponsivenesstoachildscriesor
displaysofemotion,andherarticulatedneedsasshegetsolderand,ofcourse,literalabandonment.

Literalabandonmentleavesitsownspecialscars,especiallyinaculturewhichbelievesinthe
automaticnature(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/environment)ofmotherloveand
instinctualbehavior.Inadditiontobeingexcruciatinglypainful,itisalsobewildering.Thatwastruefor
Eileen,39,whohassortedthroughmanyoftheseissuesand,asamotherherself,nowhaslimited
contactwithhermother.Eileensparentsdivorcedwhenshewasfourandshelivedwithhermother
untilshewassixwhenhermotherdecidedthatherfatherwastheappropriateparentafterall.Itwas
devastatingforthesixyearold,particularlysinceherfatherremarriedandhadalreadyhadafirstchild
inhisnewmarriage(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/marriage).Therewouldbetwomore.
ButthebigquestionforEileenwasthis:IcouldneverunderstandwhymyMomdidntwanttobe
around.IfeltahugepartwasmissinginmylifeandthatonlymyMomcouldfillit.

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Allofthesebehaviorsleavedaughtersemotionallyhungryandsometimesdesperatelyneedy.The
luckiestdaughterswillfindanotherfamilymemberafather,agrandparent,anauntoranuncleto
stepintotheemotionalbreachwhichhelpsbutdoesnthealmanydont.Theseinsecurelyattached
daughtersoftenbecomeclingyinadultrelationships,needingconstantreassurance,fromfriendsand
loversalike.

4.Enmeshed

Whilethefirsttwotypesofbehaviorsdescribemotherswhodistancethemselvesfromtheirchildren,
enmeshmentistheopposite:thesemothersdonotacknowledgeanykindofboundarybetweenthem,
theirdefinitionofself,andtheirchildren.Inthiscase,thedaughtersneedforloveandattention
facilitatesamaternalchokehold,exploitinghumannatureintheserviceofanothergoal.Thesewomen
areclassicstagemothersandlivethroughtheirchildrensachievements,whichtheybothdemand
andencouragewhiletheyhavealonghistorythemothersofGypsyRoseLee,JudyGarland,and
FrancesFarmercomeimmediatelytomindtheynowhaveespecialrenown(andnoshame
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/embarrassment))thankstorealitytelevision.Vivian
Gornicksmemoir,FierceAttachments,shouldberequiredreadingforanydaughterwhogrewupwith
amotherlikethis.

Whilethedaughterofadismissiveorunavailablemotherdisappearsbecauseofinattentionand
underparenting(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/parenting),theenmesheddaughterssense
ofselfisswallowedwhole.Untanglingenmeshmentthetermaloneconveysthedifficultyisanother
roadentirelybecauseoftheabsenceofboundaries.Ahealthyandattunedmaternalrelationshipoffers
securityandfreedomtoroamatoncetheinfantisreleasedfromhermothersarmstocrawl,the
adolescentcounseledbutlistenedtoandrespectedandthispatterndoesnot.Thatsallmissingin
theenmeshedrelationship.

5.Combative

Openwarfarecharacterizesthiskindofinteraction,thoughIhaveputopeninquotationmarksfora
reason.Thesemothersneveracknowledgetheirbehaviors,andtheyareusuallyquitecarefulabout
displayingtheminpublic.Includedinthisgrouparethemotherswhoactivelydenigratetheir
daughters,arehypercritical,intenselyjealous(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/jealousy)of,
orcompetitivewiththeiroffspring.Yes,thisismeanmotherterritorythemothertakesadvantageofthe
powerplay.Iknowthewordspowerplayandmotherseemincongruouscombinedinasingle
sentencebutIleaveyouinthecapablehandsofDeborahTannen,withaquotationIuseoften
becauseIsimplycantphraseitbetterorwithherauthority:

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This,intheend,maybethecruxofaparentspoweroverachild:notonlytocreatethe
worldthechildlivesinbutalsotodictatehowthatworldistobeinterpreted.

Achildisnomatchforthiswarriorqueenand,moredangerously,willinternalizethemessages
communicatedbyher.Manydaughtersreportthatthepainoffeelingresponsiblesomehowthebelief
thattheymadetheirmothersreact,orthattheyareunworthyisascripplingasthelackofmaternal
love.Blameandshamewasusuallythismothersweaponsofchoice.

Thecombativemotherusesverbalandemotionalabusetowinbutcanresorttophysicalforceas
well.Sherationalizesherbehaviorsasbeingnecessarybecauseofdefectsinherdaughterscharacter
orbehavior.Thisisdangerousterritory.

6.Unreliable

Thisis,inmanyways,thehardestbehaviorforadaughtertocopewith,becausesheneverknowsif
thegoodmommyorthebadmommywillshowup.Allchildrenformmentalimagesofwhat
relationshipsintherealworldlooklikebasedontheirconnectionstotheirmothersthesedaughters
understandemotionalconnectiontobefraught,precarious,andevendangerous.Inaninterviewfor
mybook,MeanMothers,Jeanne(apseudonym)said:

Itracemyownlackofselfconfidencebacktomymother.Shewasemotionallyunreliable
horriblycriticalofmeoneday,dismissivethenext,andthen,outofnowhere,smiling
andfussingoverme.Inowrealizethatthesmileymomthingusuallyhappenedinfrontof
otherpeoplewhowereheraudience.Anyway,Ineverknewwhattoexpect.Shecouldbe
intolerablypresent,inexplicablyabsent,andthenplayingapart.IassumedIddone
somethingtomakehertreatmethewayshedid.Now,Iknowshedidwhatshefeltlike,
withoutanythoughtofme,butIstillhearhervoiceinmyheadespeciallywhenlifegets
difficultorIfeelinsecure.

7.Selfinvolved

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Callheranarcissist(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/narcissism)ifyouwish.This
motherseesherdaughterifsheseesheratallasanextensionofherselfandnothingmore.Unlike
theenmeshedmotherwhoisintentlyandsmotheringlyfocusedonherchild,thismothercarefully
controlsherinvolvementasitsuitsherownselfreflection.Apowerplayer,shesincapableof
empathyinstead,veryconcernedwithappearancesandtheopinionsofothers.Heremotional
connectiontoherdaughterissuperficialalthoughshewouldfiercelydenythatifyouasked
becauseherfocusisonherself.Thetacticssheusestomanipulateandcontrolherdaughterpermit
hertoselfaggrandizeandfeelgoodaboutherself.

Thesemothersoftenlookgreatfromtheoutsidetheyareusuallyattractiveandcharmingwhenyou
meetthem,takegreatcareoftheirhomes,andmayhaveadmirabletalentsandcareerswhich
servestoconfuseandisolatetheunloveddaughterevenmore.Itis,alas,easiertorecognizethatyou
areplayingtheroleofCinderella(anditwasanevil(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/ethics
andmorality)mom,notastepmother,untiltheGrimmBrotherscleanedupthetale)whenyouare
livinginthecellarandeveryoneknowsyourmotherisahag.

8.Rolereversed

Anecdotally,thisisthepatternofmaternalinteractionIhearabouttheleastthescenarioinwhichthe
daughter,evenatayoungage,becomesthehelper,thecaretaker
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/caregiving),oreventhemothertoherownmother.
Sometimes,thispatternemergeswhenthemotherhaschildrenveryyoungandmoreofthemthanshe
canactuallyhandle.ThatwastrueforJenna,nowinherlatethirties,whoreported:

"BythetimemyMomwas26,shehadfourkids,littlemoney,andnosupport.Iwasthe
oldestandbythetimeIwasfive,Iwasherhelper.Ilearnedtocook,dolaundry,and
clean.AsIgotolder,thedynamicstayedthesame,onlymoreso.Shecalledmeher'rock'
butsheneverpaidattentiontome,justtomyyoungersiblings.NowthatImanadult,she
stilldoesntmothermebutactsmorelikeaverycritical,olderfriend.Ithinksherobbed
meofmychildhood(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/childdevelopment).

Morefamously,butinthesamevein,MaryKarrsmemoirTheLiar
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/deception)sClubdepictsbothMaryandheroldersister
steppingintomotherthemselvesortheirmother.

Daughtersofalcoholic(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/alcohol)mothersorthosewhosuffer
fromuntreateddepression(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/depression)mayalsofind
themselvesinthecaretakerrole,regardlessoftheirage.Thatmayincludemotheringnotjusttheir
mothersbuttheirsiblings,aswell.Therearefragilemotherswhoalsointeractinthisway,claiming
health(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/health)orotherissues.Ironically,thesemothersmay
lovetheirdaughtersbutlackthecapacitytoactontheirfeelings.Whilethesebehaviorsarehurtful,
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withtherapy(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/therapy)orintervention,manydaughtersreport
reconciliationinadulthoodaswellasunderstanding
(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/empathy).

AFewThoughts

Despitewhatweprefertobelieve,thefemaleofourspeciesisnthardwiredtoloveheroffspringitis
thechild,notthemother,whomevolutionhasequippedwithapowerfulneedasanaidtosurvival.Its
estimatedthathalfofus,plusorminus,hitthejackpotandhavemotherswhorangefromgreatto
goodenough.Thisisnottosaythatthesemothersareperfecthumanbeings,bydefinition,make
mistakesorthattheydontsometimes,atonemomentoranother,exhibitanyofthesekindsof
interaction.Ithappens,butitdoesntconstituteapattern.

Butforthoseofuswhodidntfareaswellinthelottery,thereishopeandhealing.Tothosewhohave
troubleunderstanding,pleaselistenanddontputthesedaughtersontrialbecausetheychallenge
whatyouwouldliketobelieveaboutmotheringandmotherhood.

Home FindaTherapist Topics GetHelp Magazine Tests

Pleaseexhibitthetrait(https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/personality)thesemotherslack.Its
calledempathy.

CopyrightPegStreep2015

PhotographcopyrightMonikaKoclajda.Used
withpermission.

Visitthephotographer'sFacebookpage
(http://www.facebook.com/MonikaKoclajdaPhoto
graphy).

VISITMEONFacebook
(http://www.Facebook.com/PegStreepAuthor)

READMYBOOKS

MasteringtheArtofQuitting:WhyItMattersin
Life,Love,andWork

MeanMothers:OvercomingtheLegacyofHurt

Viorst,Judith.NecessaryLosses.NewYork:
FiresideBooks,1986.

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11/30/2016 8ToxicPatternsinMotherDaughterRelationships|PsychologyToday

Source:Copyright2015MonikaKocladja Tannen,Deborah.YoureWearingThat?
MothersandDaughtersinConversation.New
York:Ballantine,2006.

Gornick,Vivian,FierceAttachments:AMemoir.NewYork:Farrar,Straus&Giroux,2005.

Karr,Mary.TheLiarsClub:AMemoir.NewYork:PenguinBooks,2005.

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