FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 2017 | Year MMXVII | Number 9.
7 | PRICE: BASIC HUMAN DECENCY
WITH GUEST WRITERS
FROM HIS CAMPUS
Dear Feminists: Boys Do NOT go to Jupiter to Get
More Stupider
by GASTON MCDOUCHE
A lright, Im going to address one of the
most commonly used pieces of libe-
ral and feminist propaganda ever to
be circulated through our culture and society.
This is something that kids are taught from
childhood, and people (I dont want to say
only women, because I know thatll just rile
people up, but its almost exclusively women)
will say this like a cheer or a fun rhyme, as if
that makes it more okay. But its not okay,
and when you really think about it like I have,
I think youll all agree that this idea is just
another piece of the liberal agenda.
So lets get one thing straight: Boys dont
go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Thats just
plain wrong.
Dont believe me? Of course not; you all
exist in your little safe spaces where male
members of the human race can just go to
space whenever they want, for the sake of be-
coming less intelligent. And you think this is
realistic? Grow up, feminists.
Lets look at some of the facts. First of all,
Jupiter is far away. Really, really far away.
Not to mention there have been a lot of stu-
dies done, by a lot of science people and as-
tronautmers that says that Jupiter is actually
a gas planet. Yep, you heard me. (Im not
going to link to the studies, but just believe
I Dont Need Feminism, or a Basic Understanding of What it is
L
by BONES BINKLEY
ets start with the basics here,
kiddos. I have no idea what fe-
minism is! Not even a broad,
generalized hunch about what it might
be getting at! Heck, guys, youre lucky
I can even spell it, assuming I spelled
it right.
Ok, ok. I know what youre pro-
bably thinking. Why the dickens do
you, an 18-year-old human boy with
access to top notch education throug-
hout your entire life not to mention
the wild and wonderful expanses of
the world wide web, not have even
an inkling about feminism, a pretty
easily grasped concept that affects
me, okay?) So that means that boys couldnt
go there to get stupider even if they wanted to.
Which they dont. If we could go to Jupiter,
and stand on it and stuff, why would we waste
our time getting more stupider while we were
there? That just plain doesnt make any sense-
-something youre probably used to, femina-
zis. But if you all just took a minute to give up
the PC bullshit, maybe you would understand
If we could go to Jupiter,
and stand on it and stuff,
why would we waste our
time getting more supider?
how illogical you sound.
Also, the other part of the little liberal bra-
inwashing technique is that girls go to co-
llege to get more knowledge. Okay then,
theres a few glaringly obvious flaws with this
one. While girls do go to college to get more
knowledge, so do boys. A lot of boys. I can
think of at least a dozen boys, besides me, that
go to college, and thats just my bros on the
baseball team. But theres definitely more
the lives of oh, you know, everybody
on earth and has been a crucial aspect
of political discourse for the last one
hundred plus years?
Well why dont you take a seat and
zip up your little lady mouths because
Im about to hit you with the answer: I
dont know what feminism is becau-
se I dont need or want to! Believe you
me, Im not this stunningly ignorant
by accident; Ive put some real blood,
sweat and tears into this. All my life,
this information has been at my fin-
gertips and I have actively avoided it
by screaming in the faces of teachers
and mentors who wanted to help me
understand, lighting books containing
information on this subject on fire,
than that. This hyper-feminist idea that only
girls go to college isnt female empowerment,
its male oppression. How are little boys sup-
posed to believe they can grow up to be whate-
ver they want to be--like a baseball player--if
you all spread the idea that only girls can go to
college, and only girls can get more knowled-
ge? Its reverse-sexism, and its wrong.
Not to mention, what about all those trans
students youre all so fond of? If youre not
a girl or a boy, where do you go? Jupiter or
college? How does it feel to have your own
words turned on you, like all the fake news out
there turns ours (and the Presidents) back on
us? Not good, I bet.
When I was a kid, all I wanted was to grow
up and be a spaceman (not space-person;
theyre called spacemen, and Im not going
to censor myself for your delicate tastes) but
then when I was told that boys went to Jupiter
to get more stupider, I gave up on that dream.
I didnt want to get more stupider, because I,
like most boys I know, actually like knowled-
ge. Implying that boys go to Jupiter to get
more stupider is just spreading lies, false in-
formation, and fake ideas, and this boy, for
one, is sick of it. Shame on you, feminists,
for trying to keep little boys everywhere down
with your lies. n
boycotting all media outlets except
my one true love ESPN and literally
burying my head in the sand every
time a woman speaks in my vicinity!
Why would you do that? you ask,
even though I told you to be silent
while Im speaking. Once again Ive
got the answer right here up the slee-
ve of my meticulously pressed pink
button down. I dont want to achieve
a fundamental understanding of the
challenges facing others because my
existence is easier and more fun this
way! Honestly, you gotta try it. Maybe
if you lightened up and forgot some
of your namby-pamby, idealistic res-
pect for others you could be a chill
dude like me. n
INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
19 y/o Hero PWNs
Liberal Bigots!!
At Least HisCampus
Finally Made My
Dad Proud
Men Who Swing
Bats Around All
Day Compensating
For Nothing
Middle Path Too
Left Leaning For
Me
No Homo
I Came Out Of A
Vagina Once
COLLEGIATE
STAFF
James Polk . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
Thomas Jefferson . .Miguel ngel Kill
Andrew Jackson. . . . . Rotten Waspman
Bill Clinton . . . . theForbiddenMan
George W. Bush . . . . . . Scooter
William Taft. . . Squeeps Mcqueeps
Franklin Roosevelt ..DallasHernandez
Theodore Roosevelt . . . Tippi Brizard
John F. Kennedy . . . . . Baba Wawa
AbrahamLincoln ..SexmoneyCoolidge
Herbert Hoover. . . Salacious B. Crumb
Rutherford B. Hayes. . . . . Phil Tippett
. . . . . . . [REDACTED]
President of the World . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-
dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
ing for Boys, Legitimate Businessmens
Social Club, The Leftorium, Barneys
Bowlorama, Girdles N Such, Luigis,
Expensive Bros. Jewelry, Costingtons,
I Cant Believe Its a Law Firm!, Com-
pu-Global-Hyper-Mega-Net
Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . .
Louis Francis Albert Victor Nicho-
las Collegiate, 1st Earl Collegiate of
Ohio, KG, GCB, GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
2 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 2017

NEWS Student Life

Study Shows
that Becky is
a Lying Bitch,
My Penis is
Normal Sized

I
by SCOOTER
ll be honest, if you had
asked me a year ago what
feminism meant to me, I
would have made a bunch
of fart noises and high fived
my boys. However, since a
girl in my Quest for Justice
class disagreed with me, Ive
learned that modern femi-
nism is a leftist movement
How to Tell Community Advisors that Your Dads a Lawyer and
that does nothing but encou-
rage our women and girls to Youll Fucking Sue Their Asses
attack right-leaning mens that theyre going to have to pour out all error of his ways, but if not, its time to
freedom of speech, especia-

lly on college campuses.
Dont believe me?
Clearly you havent heard a
feminist claim that wo-
men earn less than men for
the same work, access to
abortion is a basic human
right in the modern world,
or Beau Gristle has an ag-
gressively underwhelming
dick.
Well lets use science to
put these outrageous lies to
rest because a new landmark
study from well-renowned
psychologist Greg Grags,
who has created a stir within
the academia for taking a
more conservative stance
when it comes to many so-
cial issues such as perso-
nal pronouns and depres-
sion, has found conclusively
that Becky Haynie 20 is a
lying bitch and Beauregard
Hornsby Gristle 20 possess
P
by BEAU GRISTLE
icture this: Its Friday night.
The boys are all over in your
McBride double. Youve got
a thirty pack of Keystone Light that
a junior on your team scored for
you. Connor just said something
hilarious about boners, and you
havent once fantasized about
what your life would be like if your
dad had been more present. This is
the college experience you couldve
had every moment of every day if
youd been good enough at your
sport to get recruited by a division
one school instead of this fucking
daycare for transgendered leftists.
But then come those awful
words. CAs on Duty. You turn.
There they are, standing in the
doorway.
You know how it goes. It all
starts to happen so fast. They tell
you to turn down the music. They
tell you that you need to show
them your k-cards. They tell you
We Cant Figure Out The Mongolian Stir Fry Bar
by BIG, BRAVE BRICK OF MEAT
the beer because youre eighteen.
And there it goesthe perfect night,
the dream. Gone.
Well Im here to tell you that it doesnt
have to be this way. All you have to do is
follow these three simple steps, and your
perfect night doesnt have to end becau-
se of some nerd with a nametag and a flip
phone.
1) Identify Your OppositionCommu-
nity Advisors go on duty rounds in pairs.
Now, the ideal situation is that both of
them are girls because then you can just
close the door in their faces and keep the
good times rolling. However, in the sce-
nario that one of them is a dude, youll
want to only talk to him.
2) Talk It OutYoure not in high
school anymore, so you cant just call the
CA a homo and shove him in a locker to
vent that awesome rage youve inherited
from your father. Youre an adult now
and you need to talk your way through
things. Try asking the Community Advi-
sor if he gets off on killing peoples vibes.
Hopefully this will make him realize the
minutes before a merciful AVI worker
break out the big guns.
3) Break Out the Big GunsDiplo-
macy didnt work, so its time to take the
gloves off and show this kid who you are.
Thats righta lawyers son. A lawyer who
specializes in suing people. So tell this C-
Gay on duty hes gonna sue your ass so
hard you wont have an ass anymore and
everyone call you Andy No-Ass even if
your name isnt Andy, bitch. Shout like
your dad shouts at waitresses. Shout until
the CA realizes what hes done and leaves.
These three steps work in any setting
including fist fights, vandalism, and even
Title IX cases. Just shout until people
bow to you because youre a heterosexual
white man of means, a fucking king, a gol-
den, glistening prince strutting through
the garden of your life, and goddamn it
if youre going to feel any regret until you
look back at your moment of death and
realize you never truly loved anyone. Just
make sure you save one of those beers for
me! n
dont agree with the message of the

a normal sized, big boy pe-
nis.
Grags also found that
Becky can go fuck herself,
and that there is a 99% chan-
ce she was a lesbo anyways,
stating that, scientifically
speaking, her hair is kinda
short.
Additionally, though not
within the initially intended
parameters, the study also
found that you should stop
calling me cisgender be-
cause I dont know what that
word means.n
P
EIRCE HALL-- On behalf of my
dudes and I at His Campus, we
would just like to announce that
we cannot figure out the stupid
Mongolian Stir Fry Bar for the life of us.
In fact, I disagree with the idea of the
Mongolian Stir Fry Bar in its current ma-
nifestation. I know this probably has you
liberal babies shook in your diapers,
but we just have a different opinion and
I demand to have a unilateral discussion
on the matter. I invoke my First Amend-
ment Right to have absolutely no idea
whats going on and yet keep on talking.
Where the hell are you supposed to
stand? Every time I see that the Mon-
gols have taken over the International
and Vegetarian sections of the servery,
my bros and I are completely at a loss.
I stood in front of International for 45
finally told me that I, in fact, had no fry
stirred for me.
And then, when I finally got in line,
what was sitting in front of me in tho-
se bins? What were the yellow, stringy
things that every other kid seemed to
like? I kept pointing at things and the
plater gave me a blank look, like hed ne-
ver seen someone who didnt agree with
the insufferable PC culture which has
engulfed our only eatery.
Why were there so many unfamiliar
plant foods? As a Carnivore Identifying
Student (I believe the liberal PC term for
this is cis?), it seems like Im lacking a
safe space every day that the only re-
asonably good grub is riddled with too
many veggies. News flash: its not a safe
space if I cant have whatever I want,
whenever I want!
Dont get me wrong-- I respect Mon-
golians and their fried stirs, but I just
Mongolian stir fry bar. After all, dont
all stir fries matter? Personally, I like my
stir fry to have bacon, apple pie, and a
gallon of Natural Light, and without all
that PC nonsense. A real, all-American
stir fry, just like James Madison had
when he wrote the Federalist Papers, of
which Ive read one or two and love to
recite uncritically.
Its gross how the politico-culinary
discourse on this campus only tolerates
pro-Mongolian Stir Fry Bar beliefs. Rest
assured, the contributors of His Campus
intend to shake up discussion on this
campus by providing alternative opi-
nions on Mongolian Stir Fry and will not
rest until we are heard or until AVI beg-
ins serving protein shakes and beer. This
campus must be a safe space for people
who cant figure out how that goddamn
stir fry bar works once and for all. n

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING

THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, MARCH 3, 2017 3

Student Life NEWS

We Really Just Didnt Think This Through At All

of HerCampus, and literally everything about if I thought about it, or if any of us had thought

O
by CHAD BEEFSLAM
ur website has come under fire recently
for articles featuring broad and swee-
ping overgeneralizations, using faulty
or false logic to make our points, and by just
overall existing. So in defense of those claims,
we, the writers of His-Campus, would just like
to point out, that we really did not think any of
this through in the slightest bit. I can tell you,
with full honesty, that we did not spare a se-
cond of thought before making this website.
For example, it would have made sense to
realize that just by calling our emerging me-
dia brand His-Campus it would immediately
appear to oppose Her-Campus and put the
concept down entirely. That would have made
sense, if we thought about it for literally ten
seconds, but guess what? We didnt. I suppo-
se if we did, maybe we would realize we dee-
ply and profoundly misunderstand the purpose
everything.
When we wrote our article about men and
feminism, we couldve taken maybe thirty se-
conds out of our day, to do the absolute bare mi-
nimum, and Google the definition for feminism.
And sure, if you did that, the first thing that
would come up would say in big black lettering
the advocacy of womens rights on the basis of
equality of the sexes. But I didnt think about
it at all. So I wrote about what my dad told me
feminism was. And am I wrong about feminism
in doing this? Not if I dont think I am.
Or for another example, look at our HerCam-
pus vs. HisCampus article. If you read that sen-
tence by sentence, it will seem like no sentence
has anything but a superficial relation to any
other. I myself have gone over the article several
times, and it is literally incoherent in its points
and argument. And that would really affect me
about it while writing it. Maybe we wouldve
even used proper grammar and punctuation, if
we thought about it.
What you really dont understand, is
that at the end of the day, despite the fact that
were toting just over one semester of experien-
ce on a college campus, were just two angry ba-
seball players. And the fact of the matter is, we
really dont care that much. Two people cant
support an entire platform. Once it gets warm
outside, we will disappear, just like all other at-
tempts at His-Campus have in the past. Becau-
se maybe civil discourse between both sides
of an argument is important, but only when
both sides have actually put some thought into
what theyre arguing. And, just in case it was
not clear enough, let me assure you, we abso-
lutely, from the bottom of our crusty confused
little hearts, did not. n

HisCampus Personality Quiz: Are you a urinal, a toilet, or a bidet? How Can I Be
Politically Correct
When Im Never
by MR. CLEAN
People see you just as a white straight cis guy who feels threatened by people wanting equal rights, but
who are you really on the inside? Take this fun quiz to find out which bathroom apparatus best represents
your personality! Correct in General?
1. Which Kenyon food classic would you be?
A. slice of lemon found on the floor of the VI after Motown by SCOOTER
B. Peirce mac n cheese made of pasta and the nacho sauce from yesterday Political correctness. Who in tar-
C. Little Caesars pizza soaked in Keystone Light at the Ganter nation needs it? I certainly dont. I
2. Whats your opinion on women? can barely keep my head on straight
A. Women should have equal rights as long as Im getting laid when someone mentions the pythago-
B. Women should be respected because they are our daughters, mothers, sisters, and fuckbuddies rean theorem. I thought Prussia was
C. Theyre cute when theyre angry just Russia with a P. One time I told
3. What would the title of your memoir be? someone bless you after they hic-
A. White Boy Explores The Prairie With His Trusty Dog Companion cupped. So if you want me to call you
B. My Side of the Patriarchy they/them/theirs, thats simply out
C. Atlas Shrugged of the picture.
4. Whats your spirit animal? Listen. I get that political co-
A. A pig rrectness is correct. I get that its pro-
B. Anthony Bourdain bably the right thing to do. I just cant
C. Your mom last night ;) ever get it right! There are too many
5. Whats your favorite safe space for men? rules. Once, I put a knife in the Peirce
A. Hollywood toaster. If I cant remember how elec-
B. The literary canon tricity works, how am I expected to re-
C. The United States of America member that not all black people are
6. Whats your favorite excuse for hurting someone? African American? Its too gosh darn
A. At least Im being honest. hard for little old me!
B. Im just playing devils advocate. To fully understand the extent
C. I dont need to be that guy, but of my incompetence, I want you to
7. Whats your favorite microaggression? imagine me dressed up like a cute litt-
A. Honey, you look much prettier when you smile. le baby. Now, if a baby says something
B. When people make fun of white people for not being able to dance :-( sexist, like women are too sensitive,
C. Calling my compliments microaggressions is a microaggression. you wouldnt be mean to him! Youd
feel sorry for him and buy him ice
Mostly As: Youre a urinal. Your slimy, slippery surface makes women uncomfortable but who needs cream and coddle his fragile masculi-
them! A night in blogging with the bros is all you need to be happy. Rock on, my dude. nity. Which is exactly what I need you
Mostly Bs: Youre a toilet. Youre full of surprisesits astonishing to think you took this entire quiz to do for me. Im just your big strong
as a ceramic bowl but here you are. Dont let yourself or anyone else underestimate you: if a woman can sweaty baby! Please be nice to me!
run for president than so can a toilet! I cant do anything right. So
Mostly Cs: Youre a bidet. You bring a bit of internationalism to the blog (you summered in Venice, why should I start with political co-
am I wrong?) but you stay grounded in the present moment. Youre good at making connections with rrectness? Im a college-aged manboy
other richer white dudesif this whole writing thing doesnt work out you might have a career in wiping who doesnt know how to iron a shirt!
peoples asses! Baby steps. Baby steps. n