FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2017 | Year MMXVII | Number 9.

6 | PRICE: A REALLY GOOD PORKY PIG IMPRESSION

INSIDE THIS
ISSUE
Lovers Quarrel
Over Squirrel
Deferral

Study Finds
Friendship with
Greg Proplematic

The Kenyon Seal

Stepped on Me!

McBride Crawls
Two Inches Closer
to the Sea
Spider, Plant Sale this Sunday
Junior Nursing
by ORD DIMMESDALE Coffee Cup Like

G
REENHOUSEHello all! Come to the
Even in February you can experience the greenery grow up big and strong? The CO2 in our breath Freudian Love
greenhouse on Sunday from 11-12 am for
of summer, as well as the enormous web of Spider. is nurturing to them. However, talking to Spider will Object
only provoke Her, and is highly discouraged.
open potting! Plants will be $1! Spider
will be $100,000,000. If you have plants that need Whether you want a cactus, Did we mention our fun new pots? Handpainted
by local artisans and water-absorbent, these pots are
to be repotted, or a succulent that just needs a little
fern, or one large spider, perfect for a new green friend! Spider hates these
love, please bring them by so we can nurse them back
were here to help! COLLEGIATE
pots. We would again like to articulate that Spider is
to health. Plants really liven up a dorm room, and
for sale. Please take Her away from us as we live in
some of them are super easy to keep alive. Whether
you want a cactus, a fern, or one large spider, were
fear that we, too, will be woven into Her web of se-
We have an enormous variety of plants for you to crets. She took Daniel last week. I loved him, but I
STAFF
here to help! Emily Hartley . . . . Ord Dimmesdale
choose from, as well as a small variety of Spider. am too scared to cry in Spiders presence. Any sign of
The greenhouse is a beautiful space that not many Bob Hartley . .Miguel ngel Kill
Did you know that talking to plants helps them weakness could be the end. n
students get the chance to see. Dont miss out! Howard Borden. . . . . Rotten Waspman
Carol Kester....theForbiddenMan

Self-Described Mentor States His Work Here Is Nearly Done

Jerry Robinson. . . Belle Gristle
Elliot Carlin. . . Dick Morris
Lillian Bakerman. . . . Nardy Shingles
Emil Peterson. . . Meatloaf Boat

N
by DALLAS HERNANDEZ
remember that life is 10% action, and little bit left to go. He knew they would Michelle Nardo. . . . Cornelia Bedelia
EW SIDE Tim Maran 17
90% how we react to it. In fact, thats why face the challenges ahead with both grace Ellen Hartley. . . . Mr. Clean
plopped down at his favorite
I was so mad when we lost our intramural and whimsy, just as he had taught them. Bernie Tupperman. . . Bones Binkley
N https://lh3.googleusercon-
softball game, it was really a lesson about As Maran left his iconic new side window Ed Herd . . . . . . Scooter
tenw Side spot to offer what would be one
how we comport ourselves in defeat. table, he turned back to offer his sopho- Margaret Hoover. . .SqueepsMcqueeps
of his last bouts of wisdom to sophomo-
Maran paused while he waited for this more protgs a knowing wink, and a sin- Martha Hartley .. Dallas Hernandez
res Katherine Kuzman, Nate Poucher, and
bombshell to sink in. cere nod. My work here is nearly done Larry Bondurant . . . Tippi Brizard
Ariel Boudois. With a warm smile and
Now more than anything, youve got to he explained to the Collegiate staff. Phil Newman . . . . . Baba Wawa
earnest voice, Maran conveyed for the
stay adventurous. I know that wont be a When asked about his mentoring style, Johnny Carson Jr . Sexmoney Coolidge
near final time, the lessons he deemed
problem for you Nate, Maran cocked his Maran related that it could be boiled down Craig Plager. . . Salacious B. Crumb
most important.
head toward Poucher and offered an in- to a simple principle. As a mentor, which Cliff Murdock . . . . Phil Tippett
You know, I wont always be here
timate smirk. But for the rest of you, its I also am, I believe that the delicate ba- Howie Borden . . . . . . . [REDACTED]
guys, and lady, Maran began, snapping
important to keep in mind. If youre not lance of mentorship is making sure not to President of the World . . . . . . .
and pointing a finger pistol at Kuzman,
adventurous, youll never find yourself create people in your own image. Rather, . . . . . . . . . . Ruth Thundercat Bubis
who frowned. But I know that my tea-
ordering pizza at 11am on a Monday or you give them the opportunity to crea- Sponsors . . . . . . . Lard Lad, Duff Gar-
chings will live on in the way each of you
sticking pine cones in regular trees like I te themselves into an idealized image of dens, Krusty Burger, The Springfield Nu-
carry yourselves. After all, as Im sure
do sometimes. Maran let it all wash over yourself. clear Power Plant, Oui Monsieur Cloth-
you understand by now, even if youre on
them, content that his tales of charming After lunch, the Collegiate caught up ing for Boys, Luigis, Expensive Bros.
the right track, youll get run over if you
eccentricity and charismatic virtue had re- with Poucher, Kuzman, and Boudois to Jewelry, Costingtons
just sit there. Maran allowed himself a
ally made a difference for these kids. ask about Marans impact. Kuzman and Founder/Editor Emeritus . . . . Louis
soft chuckle.
Acknowledging that all good things Poucher declined to comment, but Bou- Francis Albert Victor Nicholas Collegiate,
And beyond that easy truth we lear-
must end, Maran got up to leave the table. dois disclosed that Maran had bought the 1st Earl Collegiate of Ohio, KG, GCB,
ned early on together, I need you all to
His pups had come so far, only a group beer one time last fall. n GCSI, GCIE, GCVO
2 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY , 2017

NEWS Student Life

Junior Submits
Maintenance Order for
Rocky Relationship
by BABA WAWA

N
EW APTS On Tues-
day at 5:43 pm, Karen
King 18 submitted a
work order for her relationship
with Stefon Coolish 17. According
to King, the couple has been dating
since right before Winter Break,
and things had been going pretty
well I think, you know, its Kenyon
until a week ago when something
started to smell.
I dont know what happened.
One day we were fine but the next
day our metaphorical relationship
drain got clogged. Our symbolic
toilet wouldnt flush. And our real
toilet also wouldnt flush, King Hive of Africanized Bees to Fill Tenure Track Biology Position
said.
King decided to place a work

order with Kenyon Maintenance
for the relationship, which took
two hours because that online form
is a bitch to find.
Honestly, its easier to get Ste-
fon to open up about his feelings
than it was to find the form, and
hes emotionally illiterate. King
said.
King recorded the necessary
information on the form: New Apt
14G, ID number S219999, insecu-
rity is the main source of tension
from him, unresolved parental an-
ger for her. Maintenance respon-
ded within minutes letting King
know they were on their way.
When I received that work
order I knew I had to help Karen
and Stefon. Theyre good kids and I
would hate to see a couple break up
unnecessarily. Also my only other
assignment was something in Old
K, so nah. said Maintenance em-
ployee Rob Gert.
Stefon was sleeping in Karens
bed when Gert arrived, but Gert
knocked on his door shouting
A
by DICK MORRIS
fter a long vacancy, the
Biology departments
tenure track biology
professorship will be filled by a
hive of Africanized bees. While
many applaud the decision to hire
10,000 aggressive genetically-en-
gineered insects, some in the de-
partment questioned not only the
hirees teaching qualifications, but
the very ability for the amorphous
hive to teach at all.
I meanits kind of insane,
right? commented Allie Smith
17 Now Im no Melittologist, but
Im pretty sure bees cant talk. Not
only that, but this species of bee
is highly aggressive and has been
known to chase other animals get-
ting close to their hive up to 400
Opinion: My Dad Could Totally Beat Up Your Dad
meters.
I mean these guys have killed horses.
Do we really want horse murders as
teachers? I dont think so.
Many in the biology faculty have been
quick to decry comments like these, su-
ggesting the insinuation that all Killer
Bees are murderous savages is Incredi-
bly speciesist. When questioned further,
bee apologist and severely stung man
Seth Williams responded explaining that
These animals are largely peaceful, with
a proud culture. Insinuating that they are
in some way inherently violent or bred as
a killing tool is frankly disgusting.
Despite Seth Williams strong stance
on the issue, not all biology faculty agreed
with the hiring of the bees. Many shared
concerns about the bees tendency to
swarm, a behavior which has been
shown to inhibit students learning within
the classroom (Winston, 1992). Many of
these concerns were remediated however,
upon one on one meetings with the hive.
We have to give them a chance, thats
the reality said biology department chair
Terry Daniel Sure, there have been some
incidents. And sure, many of the other
professors dogs have gone missing in
the past few weeks, but we cant just go
around making wild accusations.
The Killer Bees were unable to com-
ment on their hiring.
Winston, M. L. (1992). THE BIOLO-
GY AND MANAGEMENT OF AFRICA-
NIZED HONEY BEES. Annu. Rev. Ento-
mol, 37, 17393. n

Maintenance! to wake him up.
I was really confused about
what was happening. I didnt know
Karen had called anyone. I didnt
even know there were any pro-
blems between us said Coolish as
King mouthed emotionally illite-
rate.
Within a surprising three mi-
nutes Gert had the relationship
plunged, plumbed and gunked-out.
King and Coolish were impressed
and relieved, and went to take a
nap without thanking Gert.
Theyll be another clog in the
relationship by next weekend Gert
said, Its a couple at Kenyon, what
can you expect? Ill be back. n
H
by SQUEEPS MCQUEEPS
ey, Timmy. Yeah, you.
Sarah told Jacob who
told Hunter who told
me that your dad is a fireman, or
something. Thats cool and all,
but I want to tell you that my dad
could totally beat the up your dad
and also kick is his butt.
If you dont believe me
you can ask literally anyone else.
They will tell you Yes, Timmy, of
course Squeepss dad can beat up
your dad. Thats, the most known
thing, like, ever. Besides the fact
that youre a big old nerd.
I can tell you dont be-
lieve me, so let me tell you that I
think youre a loser, and also tell
you that there are a number of
reasons why my dad could totally
beat the heck out of your dad.
One of the reasons: his phy-
sique. Let me tell you about my
daddys physique, because, oh
boy, is he ripped. Do you remem-
ber when you met him at Family
Weekend Timmy. Do you re-
member when you shook hands
with him at Parents Weekend?
He took your delicate nerd hands
into his powerful grip tender-
ness amid power. The strength to
move mountains, the dexterity to
also move a mountain, but, like,
more dexterously.
Your dad fights fire, Timmy.
Fire. Have you ever seen fire?
Fire isnt yoked. Fire has no mus-
cles. Fire cannot take me into the
grip of his firm, gentle arms and
throw me into the air like my dad
used to do when I was younger
Imagine your father walking
and also now. Fire aint shit.
down the soft scrunch scrunch of
There is no limit to the
Middle Path. The sakuras are in
amount of pain and suffering,
bloom and, suddenly, a shadow
friendo, that my dad could inflict
darts out from the trees. A wet
on your dad if they were ever to
thunk. Blood. Your dad lies
get into a, like, I dunno, bar-
in on the ground, a pool of red
fight or something. I dont know
growing around him.
what gets a daddys hate juices
You cry because youre
flowing.
a huge loser and also a nerd and
Another reason: wea-
nobody is your friend. I run to my
ponry. My dad always comes
dad and embrace him. He picks
prepared with like a billion
me up and, things bulging, flies to
swords and weapons. His per-
the moon in one mighty leap. We
sonal favorite is his katana. He
are among the stars, Timmy. He
said he got it when he went to
looks at me and says Im proud of
Japan one time in college, or at
you, Squeeps. I cry. He cries.
a souvenir shop in Chinatown or
n
something. He doesnt remem-
ber. But what he does remember
is the sword itself is filled with
the soul of other dads. Dad-

the kenyon collegiate PLEASE RECYCLE ISSUE BEFORE OR AFTER READING

THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017 3

Student Life NEWS

Heterosexual First Year Resigns Herself Student Really Wanted to See Moonlight But

to Reality of Heterosexual Kenyon Men

G
by SEXMONEY COOLIDGE
UND GALLERY Knowing this, Mark is parti-
Last week, Kenyons cularly glum that he had to miss
figure out how she made it so own Cinearts finally this showing, but tells us that he

N
by BELLE GRISTLE
far. Frankly, this never should February, said Unity screened a movie that people certainly had his reasons.
EW SIDEWith
have happened, said Vice Pre- House co-manager Becky wanted to see, Best Picture no- I mean, all my friends
a single, pained
sident for Student Affairs Kim- Tesmer 18. minee Moonlight, in the Gund wanted to go to the China Buffet
sigh, Sallie Sh-
blery Berly. Of course, chan- Well Id call it a miracle, Gallery Community Theater. in Mount Vernon, and its been
moops has become the last
ces are that direct contact with but you dont call a house fire While the screening was a suc- like, almost a week since we last
heterosexual woman in the
a Kenyon heterosexual man a miracle because it takes care cess, many students really wan- hung out so like I had to go!
class of 2020 to finally accept
will immediately drag straight of a termite infestation. At ted to see Moonlight, but just Mark told the Collegiate with con-
that this is just the goddamn
first year women into the grim this time, Tesmer has sent a couldnt make it. Among these fidence, not trying to cover him-
way straight men at this
light of this four year long Ken- student info email that simply is sophomore Mark Sparks (19), self. Plus I had like homework
school are. I thought this guy
yon day, but for most women, reads Bisexuality. who after weeks of putting it off due Monday that I wanted to get
from my English class, Luke,
the second hand exposure alo- Collegiate reporters was handed an opportunity to see started...Oh! And um, my room
was cute, so I went home
ne will steadily corrode their asked Shmoops how she had Moonlight on a silver platter, but has been so dirty I thought Id
with him after this party last
dreams of feeling respected in managed to hold out until Fe- could not attend because of prior really clean it up. Also I had my
night, Shmoops said. I gave
a relationship with a man du- bruary. Shmoops stated that commitments. rsume to tweak, get a head start
him a handjob, and he called
ring their time on the Hill. she was trying to figure that Look, I really wanted to on my taxes. Ive really got such
me his muse.
While this miasma out as well. I mean yeah, I see it, Mark assured. I really a packed schedule this year, its
70% of heterosexual
blankets the campus, Berly wrote off Old Side boys within did. But I just didnt have time. I really taken time away from enjo-
first-year women realize that
stated that students hoping a few days, but Luke is a New mean the screening was on a Fri- ying the arts. But Moonlight rea-
most of the available men are
to just get through their fuc- Side boy. Isnt that supposed day night. Who has time to watch lly was at the top of my list man,
brutally okay after the first
king day with some shred of to mean something? a movie on Friday night? I swear. He then went on to say
weekend, with an additional
hope intact should avoid the When asked for comment, Moonlight, which scree- that maybe if Kenyon did another
25% following suit by Octo-
benches outside of the market, Luke responded by saying he ned from 7p.m. to just before 9, showing of Moonlight hed defi-
ber. Most years, the remaining
any English class that men- just wanted to play Devils ad- is the story of a man named Chi- nitely go see it, but until then the-
5% wake up and smell the ci-
tions James Joyce, and Noahs vocate for a second here before ron seen in three different points re was nothing he could do.
garette smoke by the end of
room because honestly he just explaining why identity poli- in his life; childhood, adolescen- Mark concluded the in-
the fall semester. Having re-
isnt good for you, and I swear tics cost democrats the 2016 ce, and adulthood. It has been terview however stating that he
mained optimistic well into
to God if you answer his text election and taking every last universally acclaimed by critics loved La La Land, and hopes it
February, Sallie Shmoops is
again, youre on your own. goddamn chicken popper at as one of the greatest movies of wins all the Oscars. n
an anomaly, and students and
The fact that Sallie the comfort station. n 2016.
faculty alike are scrambling to
made it all the way to

I Didnt Bring a Water Bottle to Class and I MONTHLY HOROSCOPE:

Shrivelled Up and Died FEBRUARY 2017
backpacks and slamming began, I felt the consequen- Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19): Start a hot dog delivery service with

L
by BONES BINKLEY
them down on the table in front ces of my mistake already ta- your drug mule money. Realign your chakras. Take a run by the sho-
ast Wednesday star- reline just to feel the salt in your hair. Kill a dude. Maybe listen to
of them triumphantly. The- king hold. I looked down at my
ted out just like any some jam bands. Live a little. Let yourself go.
se beautiful tubs of hydration body and saw it begin to shri-
other day. I hopped
varied in shape and came in a vel and crack. The students on Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20): Now would be a great time to shut
out of bed, threw on some
range of stunning jewel tones, either side of me loudly inched the fuck up for once in your life.
clothes, brushed my teeth
but each one was huge and fi- their chairs away. Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20): The road ahead looks clear, but keep
for EXACTLY two minutes,
lled right to the top with sweet I got up and got a sip of an eye out for distractions: you may find yourself face-to-face with a
grabbed my backpack and
sweet tasteless droplets. water from the drinking foun- new love interest, or one of those giant worm-things from Tremors
hustled on over to my English
Beads of cold sweat star- tain, but to no avail. Without (1990).
class. Everything was going
ted to drip down my forehead. my personal sippy-bucket, all Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22) Youre going to accidentally discover
great for me. I got there nice
How could I have been so was lost for me. I cast my red, your roommates dildo. Nothing will ever be the same.
and early and sauntered on in,
stupid? I reached desperately desperate eyes around the Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22) Stop lighting uncooked spaghetti on fire!
making eye contact with the
around in the outer pockets of room one last time and noti- Just stop!
exact combination of people
my backpack, hoping against ced that nobody else had ac- Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22) Everybody is sick of it. Honestly.
I wanted to make eye contact
hope that I had simply placed tually taken a drink merely Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22) If you drunk text your parents, steer into
with and acting like everyone
my liquidy urn in an unusual the presence of their slippery
else was straight-up invisible to the skid. If your parents drunk text you, ask to FaceTime.
spot. But no. I knew what I drippy basins gave them hope
me. I took a leisurely stroll over Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You know what you did.
had done and I knew that it and the strength to persevere.
to my regular seat, slid into it in Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) We know you dont like celery,
was time to accept my fate. The By the time fifty minutes had
one effortless yet graceful mo- but maybe give it a shot this week. Sometimes in life you just have to
students around me noted the elapsed, there was nothing
tion and got all comfy. open your mouth and lean in.
absence of my libation trough left of me.
Thats when I realized so- Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19) Be careful. You might ovulate this
and started to stare at me with And that is why I, a tiny
mething was wrong. month.
something in between pity and pile of dust on the floor of
All the students around me Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18) So what you scrolled through Google
revulsion. I cast my eyes to the Lentz house, am here to warn
were starting to enact our sa- Image Search: Adam Levine for three hours? So what you ignored
floor in shame. you: never ever forget your
cred ritual: dragging massive
As the professor shuffled slurp slurp jug. n your friends desperate pleas to stop ogling Adam Levine? So what?
vats of clean, cool brimming
through the door and class So what? So what?
Peirce tap water out of their
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) A S C E N D
 THE COLLEGIATE, FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017
4

OPINION Local voices

Health Center Discovers Stick Up Ass Of
LBIS Changing of the Guard Ceremony
Student From Manhattan
Honors Fallen Librarians

C
by MR. CLEAN
OX HEALTH CENTERNurses working at the Health Center were shocked to discover an

O
by MEATLOAF BOAT
LIN & CHALMERS LIBRARIES-- In an effort to remem-
ber librarians killed in the line of duty, Kenyon Colle-
ge Library and Informational Services (LBIS) employees
will now perform Changing of the Guard ceremonies between shifts.
Students are encouraged to spectate and mourn the thousands of co-
llege librarians whove perished in service to bibliophilia.
Students dont often recognize the dangers of working in uni-
versity libraries, lamented Circulation Director Lisa Stank. In two
decades of service to the library, Ive lost dozens of co-workers to
accidents in the stacks alone. One beloved colleague got lost in the
government documents for three weeks and starved to death. No one
found him in time. He tried to eat the 1995 Budget Hearing reports.
Student employee Uriah Lector 18 feels humbled to be able to
pay homage to those lost in library and information services. Before
his desk shift at the Tomb of the Unknown Video Tapes, Lector said,
Executing the ceremony makes me feel like Im a part of something
bigger than myself. Its not just for me or the Unknown Video Tapes;
its for the thousands of others who devoted their lives to these plastic
rectangles.
Its the greatest service anyone can perform here, Lector added.
At the Grave of the Unclaimed CONSORT Shipments, longtime
employee Heidi Heidelberg 17 performs a unique ceremony devoted
to honoring Circulation workers, who bear the brunt of appeasing
actual stick up the ass of a freshman student at Kenyon.
Carroll Waverly 20 said she had been in pain for a few days before it started to worsen. It
began around the time I started boycotting the Amish granola. The quinoa here is nothing special but I
just cant support the Amish. Did you know they dont vaccinate?
The sensation began to alarm Waverly when during a strenuous trip to Mount Vernon. Im just wai-
ting in line at Walmart and this woman standing behind me starts talking to me about the weather. What
the fuck? Thats when things started to really burn.
Waverly checked herself into the Health Center after her roommate ordered Dominos pizza. I didnt
think people actually ate Dominos at all. Its not pizza. But I mean, shes from Cleveland or something
so I dont expect her to know the difference. I know what real pizza tastes like. Its a New York thing.
Anyway, I took four Advil at once and the pain still wouldnt stop so I felt I needed to see a professional.
Nurse Judy said she had seen similar cases but never one as drastic as Waverlys ass. Usually we just
show them a few episodes of Broad City and theyre back to making pour-over coffee the next day. But
this one was really up there. It took my colleagues and I a pair of pliers and a dramatic reading of Howl to
remove the object .
Waverly said she felt the ordeal was, above all, a learning experience. I guess the truth is I didnt think
the Midwest was a real place. I thought Pennsylvania stretched on until Iowa, and then it was Iowa all the
way down. The only time Id come anywhere near Ohio was when I spent a weekend in Chicago. Gambier
is really nothing like New York. Did you get that Im from New York?n
Longtime New Apt Resident and Centipede Awarded
Bachelors Degree
length of Legs stay in F3, though The ceremony, during which

N
by CORNELIA BEDELIA
library patrons. the Office of Housing and Resi- President Sean Decatur perso-
EW APTSGary
Sure, the 3 weeks of intensive training and ceremony rehearsal dential Life says the insect has nally congratulated Legs on his
Legs 17, a centipe-
felt over-the-top at times, but in the end, I know that I am honoring been living in the downstairs achievements and handed him
de that has resided
the valiant fight for knowledge in a profound way, Heidelberg as- apartment longer than any hu- the diploma, took place in the F3
in New Apartment F3 for several
sured. When Im making the 21 paces, Im thinking about all the man being could survive. Our living room. Half of the ceiling co-
years, was recently awarded a
shelvers whove been devoured by the monster who lives in the fo- records have him residing there llapsed during the reception.
Bachelors Degree.
lio section. In my time here, weve lost 6, and he just keeps getting roughly since 2003, but we cant Legs is unsure of his plans
The high honor was given
stronger. be completely sure, Director of after Kenyon, though his close
to the chilopode in part because
Upon completion of each ceremony, desk workers at the Tomb Housing and ResLife Jen Billings friends believe he wont travel too
of the physical and mental sta-
of the Unclaimed CONSORT Shipments regain their listless, glazed- said. far off the Hill. It took him six
mina required to spend a signi-
over appearance and tend to the swollen line of angsty library pa- Legs was speechless when re- months to climb onto the counter
ficant amount of time in these
trons. ached for comment, though this is once, one of Legs roommates
apartments.
Students are encouraged to watch at least one Changing of the probably because he is a centipede said, and then he almost drow-
Youre dealing with the dis-
Guard ceremony every day this week and bow their heads in mour- that spends most of his time mo- ned in the sink. I dont think hes
tance, the wildly varying tempera-
ning for Jedidiah Zipp 20, the latest victim of the monster in the folio ving cautiously between a crack going anywhere.
tures, the holes in the walls, Con-
section. Zipp, a Montana native, began shelving for LBIS in January in the bathroom laminate and an The College plans to support
nor Bingham 18 said, shuddering.
before provoking the monster as he put away another goddamn Keith old potato chip. Nevertheless, his Legs whether or not he continues
Living in a New Apt is more than
Haring folio. n roommates confirmed, Legs was to be a big presence on campus.
half the battle. Garys a student all
pleased to be officially welcomed Hes been through enough, ho-
right.
into the Kenyon community and nestly, administrators said.n
Sources vary regarding the
alumni network.

Freshman Overcomes Fear of Panini Press,

Fucks Up
by SALACIOUS B. CRUMB

P
EIRCE HALLNoting that it had taken him a full seven months to work
up the courage to even approach the machine, Zebulon Preston 19 see-
med defeated. The panini press, a cornerstone of the Peirce dining expe-
rience, has befuddled students since it was installed by George Foreman installed it
in 1997. Preston insists that he followed the directions to the letter, and believes he
should remain completely blameless for the incident that followed.
Look, so maybe that girl has third degree burns and Hearth is out of commis-
sion for like three weeks, but nobody told me that I couldnt bring my own paper,
whined Preston, desperately pantomiming the actions that led up to this culinary
Hindenburg. I just want someone to call me Panini Preston and not mean it in a
derogatory way, okay? Is that too much to ask? Its just my dignity? Fellow students
would point out to The Collegiate that making a sandwich is not that fucking hard,
and that Preston was a disgrace to Kenyons goodly race. Come press time, Preston
was last seen in the McBride kitchen, practicing the art of pressing two pieces of bread
together with his hands, his head, and his heart. n