Kien 1

A) Final draft

Kimberly Kien

Ms. Jizi

Writing and Inquiry Academic Context/Studio

February 12th, 2017

The Moment My Life Changed

It signified my transition into adulthood. My senior year in high school was the worse

year in my life and there were a lot of childish things that happened that didnt need to be.

Graduation marked the moment that my life would forever change as a young woman. I was able

to mark off a milestone, go to college soon, and start working almost full time for the period

before college. Most importantly, I was able to grow up.

Im sure that every high schooler who have graduated has had experienced something

hurtful during their high school years, whether that was a break up or losing friends. My senior

year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I went through. In

the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend of six years

would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. I had slowly noticed

months prior, that she wouldnt respond much back to me and she seemed more distant. She

didnt tell me as much about her life anymore and I can tell she was hiding something from me.

Then one day she just told me to leave her alone. Confused, I tried countless times to get out of

her the reason why she didnt want to be my friend anymore. She said that people change and

things change over time. That wasnt clear and exact enough for me but it seemed that she
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wanted nothing else to do with me so I decided to leave her alone. To this day I still dont know

what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could go to because I

told her everything.

The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close friend and group

of friends turned on me and embarrassed me in school. All because of a misunderstanding. It

started out on a Saturday morning and we had a community service event. We were done and I

had carpooled a guy friend to the event so I was going to drop him off back home. My other two

girlfriends which includes my best friend needed rides too so I happily agreed to take them back.

My best friend always speaks her mind and at times she uses her emotions instead of her head to

talk. I was in an on and off relationship with my boyfriend at the time for four years and we had

just gotten back together. Shes always criticized me about him and talking down on my

relationship constantly. Ive always just held my feelings within myself. She was in a

relationship too at the time and hers wasnt perfect either if she has to constantly know where her

boyfriend goes and what hes doing. As I was giving her and my other friends a ride home, she

had to criticize my relationship again and I had enough of it so I slightly yelled back at her that

her relationship wasnt perfect either. I got home and decided to send her a text to clarify how I

was feeling that I didnt appreciate what she said about my relationship. I never got a text back

so I knew she was mad and at some point when we get back to school, I was going to notice her

attitude towards me. It was Monday and we were in class and I was sitting in the front while she

and our group of friends sat behind me. I heard her complaining about something to her friends

in a really mad tone and I heard mostly mumbles but I knew she was talking about me so I turned

around and immediately it happened. She yelled at me in front of the whole class and threatened

to hurt me. I sat there not feeling a bit sad at first because I didnt do anything wrong, but as I
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looked around the room, I saw that everyone was looking at me and I teared up and went to the

bathroom crying. My so called best friend came in the check on me later and explained why

she was mad and it was because my guy friend in the car with us that day decided to tell her that

I was talking behind her back and said I was talking about the same stuff I said to her directly.

She misunderstood and thought I said other things that she didnt already knew. It wasnt until

the next day that I found out one girl in my group of friends recorded part of it where I was

getting yelled at and uploaded it online. My group of friends saw it and the whole senior class

talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me. I had no friends

left.

Shortly after that incident about a week later or two, my mom was having her usual

dizziness but it was severe that night so we went to the hospital. I thought everything would be

fine because this has happened before, but when the doctor came she noticed her heart rate was

dropping and as I saw it dropping on the monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the nurses and

to bring the defibrillator in case her heart had stopped. I looked immediately at my mom at that

point and saw her become calm all of a sudden and drifting out of consciousness. My dad was at

her side and I was at the end of the bed. My dad didnt realize what was going on so I told my

mom to stay awake and thats when my dad registered what was happening. He broke down and

I should have been upset too, but I felt numb with feeling as I had my first experience of being in

shock, and all I could see were the nurses rushing around me in slow motion as if I was in a

movie, trying to get her to be conscious. I didnt know what to feel, it was if I was frozen. She

turned out okay and the team was able to save her but to this day, no one in my family wants to

relive that traumatic night.

 Kien 4

These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly

because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.

Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest

by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all

day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so

I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough

money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.

Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would say I

have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am today.

Instead of reacting or acting on emotion, I stop myself and calm myself first by watching

YouTube and then am able to make a rational decision when I am calmer. I realized I just need

myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being who I am. Even though those

events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I am today if it werent for what

had happened.
 Kien 5

B) Drafts of essay
First draft
Kimberly Kien

Ms. Jizi

Writing and Inquiry Academic Context/Studio

January 16, 2017

The Moment My Life Changed

Graduation marked the moment that my life would forever change as a young woman. I

was able to mark off a milestone, go to college soon, and start working almost full time for the

period before college. It signified my transition into adulthood.

My senior year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I

went through. In the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend

of six years would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. To this day I

still dont know what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could

go to because I told her everything.

The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close friend and group

of friends turned on me and embarrassed me in school. She yelled at me in front of the whole

class and threatened to hurt me. It wasnt until the next day that I found out one girl in my group

of friends recorded part of it where I was getting yelled and uploaded it online. My group of

friends saw it and talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me.

I had no friends left.

 Kien 6

Shortly after, my mom was having her usual dizziness but it was severe that night so we

went to the hospital. I thought everything would be fine because this has happened before, but

when the doctor came she noticed her heart rate was dropping and as I saw it dropping on the

monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the nurses and to bring the defibrillator in case her heart

had stopped. I looked immediately at my mom at that point and saw her become calm all of a

sudden and drifting out of consciousness. My dad was at her side and I was at the end of the bed.

My dad didnt realize what was going on so I told my mom to stay awake and thats when my

dad registered what was happening. He broke down and I should have been upset too, but I felt

nothing as I had my first experience of being in shock, and all I could see were the nurses

rushing around me, trying to get her to be conscious.

These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly

because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.

Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest

by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all

day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so

I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough

money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.

Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would

say I have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am

today. I realized I just need myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being

who I am. Even though those events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I

am today if it werent for it.

 Kien 7

Second Draft
Kimberly Kien

Ms. Jizi

Writing and Inquiry Academic Context/Studio

January 29th, 2017

The Moment My Life Changed

It signified my transition into adulthood. Graduation marked the moment that my life

would forever change as a young woman. I was able to mark off a milestone, go to college soon,

and start working almost full time for the period before college. Most importantly, I was able to

grow up.

Im sure that every high schooler who have graduated has had experienced something

hurtful during their high school years, whether that was a break up or losing friends. My senior

year of high school was so depressing that no words could describe the hurt I went through. In

the beginning of the school year, never would I have thought that my best friend of six years

would leave me out of nowhere and would want nothing to do with me. I had slowly noticed

months prior, that she wouldnt respond much back to me and she seemed more distant. She

didnt tell me as much about her life anymore and I can tell she was hiding something from me.

Then one day she just told me to leave her alone. Confused, I tried countless times to get out of

her the reason why she didnt want to be my friend anymore. She said that people change and

things change over time. That wasnt clear and exact enough for me but it seemed that she

wanted nothing else to do with me so I decided to leave her alone. To this day I still dont know

what her reason was for leaving our friendship. I didnt know who else I could go to because I
 Kien 8

told her everything. The next thing that had happened in high school was that my other close

friend and group of friends turned on me and embarrassed me in school. All because of a

misunderstanding. She yelled at me in front of the whole class and threatened to hurt me. It

wasnt until the next day that I found out one girl in my group of friends recorded part of it

where I was getting yelled at and uploaded it online. My group of friends saw it and the whole

senior class talked about me behind my back all day that day and said bad things about me. I had

no friends left. Shortly after that incident about a week later or two, my mom was having her

usual dizziness but it was severe that night so we went to the hospital. I thought everything

would be fine because this has happened before, but when the doctor came she noticed her heart

rate was dropping and as I saw it dropping on the monitor, the doctor rushed out to call all the

nurses and to bring the defibrillator in case her heart had stopped. I looked immediately at my

mom at that point and saw her become calm all of a sudden and drifting out of consciousness.

My dad was at her side and I was at the end of the bed. My dad didnt realize what was going on

so I told my mom to stay awake and thats when my dad registered what was happening. He

broke down and I should have been upset too, but I felt numb with feeling as I had my first

experience of being in shock, and all I could see were the nurses rushing around me in slow

motion as if I was in a movie, trying to get her to be conscious. I didnt know what to feel, it was

if I was frozen. She turned out okay and the team was able to save her but to this day, no one in

my family wants to relive that traumatic night.

These events had all happen within a few weeks of each other. I was upset mainly

because at the time I felt like I needed validation from my peers and others to be a great person.

Graduation was the point that I changed to become the bigger person and live life to the fullest

by living for myself. I didnt have anyone to talk to and I didnt mind because I was working all
 Kien 9

day. I realized how much college would cost and tried to pay for it myself as much as possible so

I dont burden my parents with any extra bills. That plan worked because Ive saved enough

money to pay for at least two years of college myself without any of my parents money.

Looking back at the person I am now compared to the person I was a year ago, I would say I

have grown up a lot and am very content and happy with being the young woman I am today.

Instead of reacting or acting on emotion, I stop myself and calm myself first by watching

YouTube and then am able to make a rational decision when I am calmer. I realized I just need

myself to make me happy and that self-love is important to being who I am. Even though those

events have hurt me very much in the past, I wouldnt be where I am today if it werent for what

had happened.

Peer Review Questions

1. Am I making myself clear?

2. Where do I need more evidence?
3. Is there an ending? Does it give you a sense of closure or completion?
4. Is the language alive, human, or interesting? Is there a voice in the words or a sense of

someone actually being there?

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C) Peer Feedback Received

Three Step Responses
From Anna Warren
Velcro phrases and words: Ive saved enough money to pay for at least two years of college without
any of my parents money. Feelings: disbelief and annoyed Questions: Do you think it was a better
decision to not be friends with the girl anymore? Comments: I too, had a friend that stop talking to
me out of the blue and I was so hurt by it, now I realize that I am glad it happened because it shaped
me for today and Im doing much better without him.

From Chris Human

The words and phrases that stuck out to me the most in this essay were, "signified my transition into
adulthood", "My senior year of high school was so depressing", "best friend of six years would leave
me", "Confused", "She yelled at me in front of the whole class", "I felt numb", "I stop myself and calm
myself". All of these phrases and words gave me a better understanding of how you felt as well as
gave me a better insight of how you coped with the issues you were facing. 2. After reading your
essay i feel as if i know you a lot better than i did before because the essay explained the hardships
you faced your senior year. I can't say i can relate to this story but i can now understand your
background a lot better than i did. Im glad i was able to read this essay. 3. The parts in your essay
that i believe need more detail and explanation are the first paragraph i feel as if you need more of
an intro to give the readers more of a better understanding of what it is they are about to read. I know
it may be difficult to write about but i would give more detail about what happened after the video
went viral for instance what happened the rest of senior year. I would also break up the second
paragraph into two different paragraphs.

From Zachary Marchinko

1 Velcro Words and Phrases

- I realized I just need myself to make me happy

- I dont burden my parents with any extra bills
-I realized how much college would cost
2 Feelings
-sad, understanding, upset, same, remorseful
3. Questions
Are you happier now?
Do you still work full-time?
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Peer Review Answers to my Questions

From Henry Blowers
1. Am I making myself clear?

You are making yourself clear however you could separate the different events by paragraphs. For

instance from the part where you were embarrassed in school to the part where your mom got sick you

could separate those two to make it easier to read.

2. Where do I need more evidence?

You could use more evidence in the part where you were yelled at and maybe explain the reaction of the

other people around you and where you were in order to paint a better picture for the reader

3. Is there an ending? Does it give you a sense of closure or completion?

I do think there is an ending. You could explain more how it has affected you at the end and how it has

helped you grow up whether it be you have become a more independent person or something like that that

shows how you have changed.

4. Is the language alive, human, or interesting? Is there a voice in the words or a sense of someone

actually being there?

There is a voice. You did a good job at displaying emotion and making feel like it is an actual

conversation instead of a story.

The text matches very well with the essentials of the personal essay. It shows a lot of personal presence

of the author along with your engagement between self and world when you described your experience

between you and your friends. Also the self exploration when you would stop yourself from doing

something rash and decided to calm yourself down so you can react when you are in a clearer state of

mind.
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From Justin Fontaine

- I think a little more detail in terms of what you felt towards your friend when she wanted
to distance herself would be beneficial.
- You do an excellent job here of describing the event at the hospital in vivid detail.
1. Very clear, you introduced the topic of things that happened in your senior year and then

presented detailed examples.

2. Overall I think you had very good evidence, I think you could build on it a little bit more by

adding a little bit more of some of the emotions you felt in other events you talk about. For

example, when your friend distanced herself, maybe dive a little more into the feelings you might

have toward her or just in general.

3. I liked the ending very much. It gives a sense of not only completion, but satisfaction.
4. I could feel the emotion in the written words. When you described the event in the hospital, as a

reader I was able to visualize and get a good sense of what was happening and how you were

taking it in.

3 Essentials of a personal essay

1. I think your personal presence was felt throughout the story as well as the piece of text you

highlighted.
2. By providing details of each scene and emotion, you do a great job of creating an engagement

between yourself and the world.

3. The self-exploration /self-discovery was very evident at the end of your story, the way you talk

about how you react to and act on emotion very well meets that element.
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D) Two reflective paragraphs

The feedback my peers gave me were positive. Some suggestions they gave me were to
give more details in certain topics I was talking about so they can get a better picture, add
more to my introduction so the reader can get more insight about what they were going to
read, separating my long second paragraph, and adding more details in my ending on how the
experience has affected me. I chose to leave out adding more details in my ending because I
felt that I included enough information of how I transformed from that experience.
I felt the feedback I gave to my peers were very constructive and useful for them to help

improve their writing. The first example is my response to Justins essay. One part was a

little confusing for me and I felt didnt flow well throughout the story so I commented by

saying, You can add some more details backing up your passion for racing. How hard

did you work in school in order for you to be able to race? What exactly was the reason

why you stopped being friends with people who questioned you? These are some things

you can consider putting in your text to let the reader know more about how that ties with

your passion of racing and so itll flow better. Another example in my peer response is

with Henrys essay. Here I stated, I really like how you wrote here, explaining the reason

why you were mad. I encourage you to keep writing with this element and its definitely

something I would look forward to using in my writing in the future. It gives the reader

insight on not just knowing that you were mad but also the reason behind it. Not only

did I just tell the writer what I liked about their writing but I also explained to them why I

liked it and what technique they should continue using. My last example was also a

response to Henrys essay. I felt his essay was a little confusing and needed more

background knowledge so I said, Id say the thing that needs to be worked on the most is

just elaborate more on some things that the reader may not know like pop warner

football. Also work on giving more background knowledge and insight for the reader like

when saying how you were mad for a month, what did you do if you did anything when
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mad or try to make the reader see the movie in your mind as much as possible. I pointed

out where he could improve and on things he can focus on more in his writing.

E) My Questions for You

1. Is the language alive, human, or interesting? Is there a voice in the words or a sense of

someone actually being there?

2. Is the whole thing unified? Is there one central idea to which everything pertains or is it loose

ends and pulling in two or three directions?

3. Is it really saying something or is it just a collection of thoughts that arent organized?