Communication Strategies: Other-Orientation

Other-Orientation

Other-orientation is a quality of interpersonal effectiveness that includes the

ability to adapt your messages to the other person. It involves communicating
attentiveness to and interest in the other person and genuine interest in what
the person says.

Communicating Other-Orientation. Youll recognize the following behaviors in

those with whom you enjoy talking. As you read these suggestions youll note
that these are also likely to serve the impression formation function of being
liked.

< Show consideration. Demonstrate respect, for example, ask if its all
right to dump your troubles on someone before doing so, or ask if your phone
call comes at a good time.

< Acknowledge the other persons feelings as legitimate: Expressions

such as Youre right or I can understand why youre so angry help focus the
interaction on the other person and confirm that youre listening.

< Acknowledge the other person. Recognize the importance of the other
person. Ask for suggestions, opinions, and clarification. This will ensure that you
understand what the other person is saying from that persons point of view.
< Focus your messages on the other person. Use open-ended questions
to involve the other person in the interaction (as opposed to questions that
merely ask for a yes or no answer), and make statements that directly address
the person. Use focused eye contact and appropriate facial expressions; smile,
nod, and lean toward the other person.

< Grant permission. Let the other person know that its o.k. to express (or
to not express) her or his feelings. A simple statement such as I know how
difficult it is to talk about feelings opens up the topic of feelings and gives the
other person permission either to pursue such a discussion or to say nothing.

Rapport is the capability to create the trust by understanding & respecting someones
world of reality, and this can make you to have a strong common bond in order to take a
lead in any conversation or persuasion to the direction that you want.

A successful communication is largely depend techniques involve to achieve the desire

outcome. Fail in communication normally due to ineffective way of interaction, or
inflexibility in dealing with someone else. But this can be recovered a learned from NLP
Rapport Building Techniques, by which and proven way of communication & interactive
to attain the result wanted.

The most basic foundation in communication is trust and understanding. But how to
create instant trust without spend years? Here that is:

1) Body languages Matching (Gesture, Posture, Tiny Movement, Breathing, and Facial
Expression)
The easiest way to create the instant trust is to do it by using body language, like
modeling the gesture, posture, tiny movement, breathing, and facial expression. By
follow the body movement can always make someone feel comfortable with your
presence, because people are always like the people that are alike.

2) Auditory Modeling (Voice, Tonality, Pace, Rhythm, Volume, Pitch)

Matching the auditory part may subconsciously create the bond between you and
someone, especially if that person is heavily using the auditory modality in
communication. But you need not to model all, just choose one to match will do.

3) Word Matching
The same word can carry different meaning for different people. This can be explained
by the world of reality of someone is different from each to another. For instance,
rejection can mean a failure a person but can be a challenging job for another.

The NLP rapport building techniques here teach us that to use the exact word that said
by the person that you want to build the rapport. Word can mean someones value or
belief as well. By using the exact words, even phrases, you can always make sure you
are on track of someones thinking pattern. Because the thinking pattern is nothing but is
a series of internal dialogue. Dialogue use word to communication with them. With this,
the relationship can be created faster.
4) Experience Matching
This is a nlp rapport building techniques that teach us how experience could create the
bond easier and faster. Remember, the more similarity you have with someone, the
easier the trust can be established. Experience is some event happens in the past and
that create someones history. With similar experiences in the past can speed the
climate of trust and understand. Quote an example, if you were an insurance agent and
looking a successful selling skill training program, you will take up a course conducted
by an insurance underwriting officer or an proven successful insurance entrepreneur?

In summary, we are communicating every day, our success depend on the quality of
howwe interact with other in fulfilling other people needs, then getting what you want. All
this will not happen unless trust is created. So, the NLP rapport building techniques is a
proven and highly effective way of creating the climate of trust. Remember, you must
pace, before you lead.

Persuasion and Influencing Skills

Ways to Influence and Persuade

Nagging

We all know people who aim to persuade by talking constantly. They seem to think they can grind
others into submission, by simply reiterating their point of view constantly. This, basically, is
nagging. And it does sometimes work, of course, because their colleagues or family give in solely
to get some peace. But as a general rule, others persuaded in this way probably havent bought
into the idea, and are not committed to it.

This means that when the going gets tough, the idea could easily just wither and die.

Coercion

Others fall back on the power of their position, and order others to do what they want. This, in its
most unpleasant sense, is coercion. Again, their family or colleagues wont necessarily like what
theyre doing. If its hard, they may well give up. More orders will be issued, to rescue the idea,
but again, may be unsuccessful, because those involved are doing it because they have to, not
because they want to.

A Better Way

The Holy Grail of persuasion, then, is to get others to buy into the idea, and want to do it your
way. And the best way of doing that is in a way that others dont notice. But how?

The fable of the sun and the wind is a good example:

The wind and the sun decided to have a competition to decide once and for all who was stronger.
They agreed that the winner would be the one who could persuade a man to take off his coat.
The wind blew and blew, but the man only held on more tightly to his coat. Then the sun shone
gently down, and within minutes, the man took off his coat.

The moral here is that you cant force someone to do what they dont want;
instead, the art of persuasion is to get them to want what you want.

Persuasion Unseen
Consider this example of a group of students choosing a leader for a group
task.

The group had agreed on the ideal type of person, and there were two
obvious candidates within the group, Sue and Steven.

Sue suggested that Steven should take on the task, and he accepted
happily. Decision made. Everyone smiled, except for one member of the
group, John.

John, who had until that moment been silent, said: Steven, dont forget to
let us know what you want us to do to help. With your new job, youre going
to have a lot on, and youll need to make sure you get us organised or we
wont get it all done.

Steven looked thoughtful, and then said, You know, on reflection, Im not
sure Ive got time to do this as well as starting my new job. I have got a lot
on, as you say. Maybe it would be better if Sue did it.

Everyone looked at Sue, who said that she would take it on if the group
wanted. They all agreed that would be best.

Sue later asked John privately why he had intervened when the group had
already decided on a leader. He said that he thought she would do it better
than Steven, and get a better result for the group.
In this example, John had used his persuasion skills very subtly to get what
he wanted, and created a win-win situation from a potentially unpleasant
conversation.

Steven was happy that the group had acknowledged his skills, and equally
happy that he wasnt leading the task.

In fact, at the end, he wanted Sue to lead it, without John ever having to risk
upsetting him by saying that he thought Sue would be better.

Barriers to Successful Persuasion

One way to think about what works in persuading others is to
think about what doesnt work first.

In his book Persuasion IQ, Kurt Mortensen lists ten obstacles to

successful persuasion:
1. Thinking that you are better at persuasion than you are, and therefore failing to
hone your skills. Instead, take a long, hard look at yourself, and see where your skills
need to be improved.

2. Trying too hard to persuade. Seeming too keen probably puts people off faster than
anything else.

3. Failing to put in the effort required to get what you want. Nothing, or at least not
much, is free in this world.

4. Talking too much. Stop, and just listen to the people you need to persuade.
 5. Providing too much information, which just confuses people, and makes them
think you are trying to blind them with science. What, they ask, are you not telling
them?

6. Getting desperate. Like insincerity, people can spot fear at a distance, and dont like it.

7. Being afraid of rejection. This can even stop people from trying to persuade in extreme
cases.

8. Not being prepared. You cant wing it every time. Your audience will see through you,
and will think that you value your time more highly than theirs.

1.
Making assumptions about your audience, and then not being prepared to
reassess when new evidence emerges.

2. Forgetting that the whole conversation is important. You need to engage in

order to persuade, right from the beginning.

Successful Persuasion
Research shows that there are a number of things that
people like about successful persuaders.

Kurt Mortensens research suggests that these elements are largely

emotional. They include keeping promises, being reliable and taking
responsibility, being sincere, genuine, and honest, knowing their subject,
and believing in it, building rapport, and being entertaining, as well as not
arguing and providing solutions that work.
The key skills for successful persuasion, then, are pretty wide. First of all, successful
persuaders tend to have high self-esteem and good Emotional Intelligence more
generally. They really believe that they will succeed.

You also need to remain motivated and believe in yourself and your ideas. See our pages
on Self-motivation for more.

Additionally, you need to understand how your audience thinks.

Key skills here include Empathy, and good Listening Skills, including Active Listening. If
you listen, your audience will usually tell you what and how they are thinking. It also helps to
be able to build rapport; people like those who take time to become a friend, as well as an
influencer. It follows, really: if were honest, wed all much rather do what a friend suggests
than someone we dislike, however sensible the idea. Building rapport also helps to build
trust, and for more about building trust, have a look at our page on Personal
Empowerment.

Good persuaders or influencers also have very good Communication Skills.

Its essential that you can get your point across succinctly and effectively, otherwise youre
never going to persuade anyone of the merits of your position.

The final skill of good persuaders is being organised. They do their homework, they know
their audience and they know their subject. They have taken time to organise themselves
and think about what they want to achieve. For more about this, take a look at our pages
on Organisation Skills, Strategic Thinking and Action Planning.

Further Reading from Skills You Need

Our Communication Skills eBooks

Learn more about the key communication skills you need to be an effective
communicator.

Our eBooks are ideal for anyone who wants to learn about or develop their
communication skills, and are full of easy-to-follow practical information and
exercises.

Conclusion
It takes time, but develop these skills, and you will start to develop
authentic power, which means that you have power because people
believe in what youre saying. Once you have that, you are likely to be
much more successful in persuading and influencing others, whether at
home or at work.

Persuading, Influencing and

Negotiating Skills

PERSUADING involves being able to convince others to take

appropriate action. NEGOTIATING involves being able to
discuss and reach a mutually satisfactory agreement.
INFLUENCING encompasses both of these.
These skills are important in many jobs, especially areas such
as marketing, sales, advertising and buying, but are also valuable in
everyday life. You will often find competency-based questions on these
skills on application forms and at interview, where you will be required to
give evidence that you have developed these skills.

Persuading
One scenario where persuading skills can be important is the job
interview, but the following tips are
valuable in many other settings.

Focus on the needs of the

other party. Take time to
listen to them carefully and
find out about their interests
and expectations. This shows
that you are really interested
in them and they are then
more likely to trust and
respect you. It will also make
 it easier for you to outline the benefits of your proposal in terms
they understand.

Argue your case with logic. Do careful research on your ideas

and those of your competitors (if there are any) and make sure that
any claims you make can be verified.

The more hesitant language you use such as "isn't it", "you
know", "um mm" and "I mean" the less people are likely to believe
your argument. (Journal of Applied Psychology)

Use positive rather than negative language: instead of saying

"You're wrong about this", say "That's true, however ...", "That's an
excellent idea, but if we look more deeply ....." or "I agree with
what you say but have you considered ....".

Subtly compliment the other party. For example: "I see that
you've done some really excellent research into this". Even though
they may realise this is being done, evidence shows that they will
still warm to you and be more open to your proposals.

Mirroring the other person's mannerisms (e.g. hand and

body movements). A study at INSEAD Business School found that
67% of sellers who used mirroring achieved a sale compared to
12% who did not. People you mirror subconsciously feel more
empathy with you. However, it can be very embarrassing if the
other person detects conscious mirroring so it must be very subtle.
You need to leave a delay of between two and four seconds before
the mirroring action. See our body language quiz for more on this.

Try to remember the names of everyone you meet. It shows

that you are treating them as an individual.

Negotiating to win
This involves pursuing your own interests to the exclusion of
others: I win: you lose! Persuading someone to do what you want them
to do and ignoring their interests: "keeping your cards hidden". Pressure
selling techniques involve this.

Whilst you might get short term gain, you will build up long term
resentment which can be very disruptive if you ever need to work with
these people again.
 Jennifer Chatman
(University of California,
Berkeley) developed
experiments in which she
tried to find a point at
Negotiating jointly which flattery became
ineffective. She found out
This involves coming to an agreement that there wasnt one!
where everyone gets what they
want, Of course, flattery based
reaching a mutually satisfactory on round the positive
agreement: win-win attributes and deeds of
other people is much more
You need to establish mutual trust, likely to be helpful and
so it requires honesty and integrity effective, and you will feel
from both parties. better about it too!

Both sides work together to come

up with a compromise solution to suit everyone's best interests.

Each party tries to see things from the other's perspective.

Assertiveness is the best way here: being passive or aggressive

doesn't help.

A strategy for successful negotiations

Listen carefully to the arguments of the other party and assess
the logic of their reasoning

Clarify issues you are not clear about by asking how, why, where,
when and what questions.

List all the issues which are important to both sides and identify
the key issues. Identify any personal agendas. Question
generalisations and challenge assumptions.

Identify any areas of common ground.

Understand any outside forces that may be affecting the problem.

Keep calm and use assertive rather

than aggressive behaviour. Use tact
and diplomacy to diffuse tensions.
Remember :NO is a little word with
big power!
Use both verbal and non-
verbal persuasion skills. Use open,
How not to negotiate
When deciding how many
battleships were required
by the UK, Winston
Churchill wryly noted: "The
Admiralty had demanded
six ships; the economists
offered four; and we finally
compromised on
eight." www.bbc.co.uk/new
s/magazine-27641717
 encouraging body language such as mirroring, not defensive or
closed.

Know when to compromise. Offer concessions where necessary,

but minor ones at first.
Distinguish between needs: important points on which you can't
compromise
and interests where you can concede ground.
Allow the other party to save face if necessary via small
concessions.

Make sure there is an agreed deadline for resolution

Decide on a course of action and come to an agreement.

The final agreement needs to be summarised and written

down at the conclusion of the negotiations.

Plan for alternative outcomes if you can't reach agreement.

It is very easy to defeat someone, but it is very hard to win someone.

A.P.J. Abdul Kalam (former President of India)

BASIC INTERMEDIAT HIGH LEVEL NEGATIVE

SKILLS: E SKILLS: SKILLS: STRATEGIES!
Use ideas Gain support Develop
persuasively strategies. Negotiating
Emphasise to win (see
Keep the how costs Use a range above)
attention and of
of others. problems approaches Gain power
can be and by
Explain the minimised strategies to underminin
benefits of gain support g the
your Handle for ideas. position of
argument. objections. others.
Give an
Develop a Challenge example of Don't show
line of the points of when your respect for
reasoned view idea has others
argument expressed been used views. Put
by others. successfully down their
Put your in some ideas.
points other
 across Get other context. Impose
clearly and people to your own
concisely support Make views rather
your views. concessions than
Understan when reasoning
d the required to with others.
concerns reach
and needs agreement:
of the work for a
person you win-win
are dealing situation.
with.
Form long
term
relationships
.

The six laws of influence

In his seminal book Influence: The
Psychology of Persuasion Professor Diplomacy: the art of letting
Robert Cialdini gives six laws or rules someone have your own way.
which govern how we influence and are
influenced by others. There are three sides to any
argument: your side, my side
The law of scarcity and the right side.
Items are more valuable to us
when their availability is Always and never are two
limited. Scarcity determines the value words you should always
of an item. remember never to use.
For example if a customer is told that
an item is in short supply which will You can close more business in
soon run out they are more likely to two months by becoming
buy it. Time also works here. A time interested in other people than
limit is placed on the customers you can in two years by trying
opportunity to buy something. to get people interested in
Customers are told by the seller that you.
unless they buy immediately, the price Dale Carnegie
will increase next week. Auctions such
as ebay create a buyer frenzy often
resulting in higher prices than the object's value. If something is
expensive, we tend to assume that it must be of high quality because it is
in demand: one jewellery shop doubled the priced of its items and were
surprised to find that sales increased!
For example, if you let an interviewer know that you have other
interviews coming up, they will be more interested in you as you are
perceived as a sought after candidate.

The Law of reciprocity

If you give something to people, they feel compelled to return the
favour. People feel obliged to return a favour when somebody does
something for them first. They feel bad if they don't reciprocate. "You
scratch my back and I'll scratch yours".

After someone has turned down a large request, they are very likely to
agree to a smaller request. This is why shop staff are trained to show the
most expensive item first. A salesman who suggested a 3 year warranty
costing 100 found that most customers refused but were then happy to
buy 1 year warranty costing 30.

The law of authority

We are more likely to comply with someone who is (or resembles)
an authority. In other words, people prefer to take advice from
experts". There is a deep seated duty to authority within us learned from
parents, school, religious authorities etc.

The law of liking

We are more inclined to follow the lead of someone who is similar
to us rather than someone who is dissimilar. We learn better from
people who are similar to us. We are more likely to help people who dress
like us, are the same age as us, or have similar backgrounds and
interests. We even prefer people whose names are similar to ours. For
this reason, sales trainers teach trainees to mirror and match the
customers body posture, mood and verbal style.

Research at the University of Sussex found that people more easily

remember faces of their own race, age group or gender than those
of others.

It's also very important to remember and

use people's names. Others are much more
likely to like you and respond to you if you
say "Hello Sarah" rather than just "Hello".

The law of social proof

We view a behaviour as more likely to be
correct, the more we see others
performing it. We assume that if a lot of
people are doing the same thing, they must
know something that we dont. Especially
when we are uncertain, we are more likely to trust in the collective
knowledge of the crowd. This explains herd or lemming behaviour. For
example when there is panic in the stock market everyone follows
everyone else and sells, however great investors such as Warren Buffett,
know that this is the time when the best bargains are to be had, and
instead, buy.

The law of commitment and consistency

Consistency is seen as desirable as it is associated with strength,
honesty, stability and logic. Inconsistent people may be seen as two-
faced, indecisive and "butterflies": never committing themselves for long
enough to complete tasks. People will do more to stay consistent with
their commitments and beliefs if they
have already taken a small initial step.
EVIDENCE YOU COULD
If you can get someone to do you a GIVE FOR PERSUADING
small favour, they are more likely to SKILLS ON
grant you a larger favour later on. If APPLICATIONS OR AT
someone does you a favour, let INTERVIEW
them know afterwards what
happened: they will appreciate your Arguing your case in a
feedback and may be able to help you seminar
further in future.
Getting club members to
We evaluate a university more turn up for events!
positively when we have got into it or a
car we have bought when we own it. Fund-raising for a local
We look for the good points in the charity
choice we have made or items we have
bought as this justifies to ourselves our Telesales job in the
consistency of choice. vacation

EXAMPLE ANSWERS FOR EVIDENCE YOU COULD

GIVE FOR NEGOTIATION
PERSUADING AND SKILLS ON
NEGOTIATING APPLICATIONS OR AT
QUESTIONS ON INTERVIEW
APPLICATION FORMS Negotiating the rent with
AND AT INTERVIEWS your landlord

Negotiating the late

Describe a situation where you handing in of essays
have had to NEGOTIATE a
solution to a challenging Resolving disputes on a
situation staff-student liaison
CONTEXT committee
On arrival in Spain I was confronted
Resolving an argument
between friends
with a completely different organisational structure within the university. I
was the first man to go to Valencia from my university and my role there
was to test this new exchange programme and to negotiate the terms for
future exchanges. I found that the structure of the courses were to the
disadvantage of the Kent students and would affect the overall result of
the degree. As the spokesperson for the UKC students I had to influence
both sides on reaching a new agreement.
ACTION
I explained the situation to the academic staff at UKC and negotiated new
terms for the exchange programme.
RESULT
Being the spokesperson of my university, I successfully persuaded the
administration in Seville to accept these conditions during this period. I
learned that it takes sometimes a lot of time, effort and patience to
achieve common agreements, especially when two different cultural
backgrounds are involved.

How have you used your communication skills to PERSUADE

others to follow your lead?
CONTEXT
As a camp counsellor I was responsible for a hut housing a group of ten
children, helping the children settle in to the camp and encouraging them
to join in activities. The hardest part was getting the children to keep the
hut tidy and join in the daily 'household chores' session - a problem which
I found was shared by other counsellors.
ACTION
We decided to motivate the children by turning this session into an inter-
hut competition with a progress chart and prizes and arranged for the
camp director to carry out daily inspections. I produced a wall chart to
show the points awarded to each hut and explained to the children how
the points would be won and lost.
RESULT
The competitive spirit transformed the children's attitude to tidying up as
each hut worked as a team to keep their surroundings clean and tidy.
There were no more problems with children 'disappearing' at clear-up
time & parents were amazed to hear how involved their children had
become in this activity.

Please describe a situation where you had to PERSUADE

someone to do something. How did you go about it? Were
you successful?
CONTEXT
Last year I was living off-campus in a student house with friends. The
place was quite old and did not have a functional television aerial. I was in
charge of liaising with our landlord. I called him up to ask if he could fix it
for us.
ACTION
He was reluctant to do so unless we paid but I persuaded him finally by
saying that it would be beneficial for him as it would be easier to rent the
house out for next year. Also, it would be unfair on us to pay for an aerial
that we would only use for about nine months.
RESULT
I was successful with my persuasion and reason. The aerial was fixed at
no cost to us.

Effective Communication
Improving Communication Skills in Your Work and Personal Relationships

What is effective communication?

Communication is about more than just exchanging information. It's about
understanding the emotion and intentions behind the information. Effective
communication is also a two-way street. Its not only how you convey a message so
that it is received and understood by someone in exactly the way you intended, its
also how you listen to gain the full meaning of whats being said and to make the
other person feel heard and understood.

More than just the words you use, effective communication combines a set of skills
including nonverbal communication, engaged listening, managing stress in the
moment, the ability to communicate assertively, and the capacity to recognize and
understand your own emotions and those of the person youre communicating with.

Effective communication is the glue that helps you deepen your connections to
others and improve teamwork, decision making, and problem solving. It enables you
to communicate even negative or difficult messages without creating conflict or
destroying trust.

While effective communication is a learned skill, it is more effective when its

spontaneous rather than formulaic. A speech that is read, for example, rarely has the
same impact as a speech thats delivered (or appears to be delivered)
spontaneously. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become
an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more
instinctive and spontaneous your communication skills will become.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

Stress and out-of-control emotion. When youre stressed or emotionally

overwhelmed, youre more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-
putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.
Take a moment to calm down before continuing a conversation.
Lack of focus. You cant communicate effectively when youre multitasking. If youre
planning what youre going to say next, daydreaming, checking text messages, or
thinking about something else, youre almost certain to miss nonverbal cues in the
conversation. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-moment experience.

Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication should reinforce what is

being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your body language says
something else, your listener will likely feel youre being dishonest. For example, you
cant say yes while shaking your head no.

Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike whats being said, you may
use negative body language to rebuff the other persons message, such as crossing
your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You dont have to agree, or
even like whats being said, but to communicate effectively without making the other
person defensive, its important to avoid sending negative signals.
4 key skills to improve communication

1. Become an engaged listener

2. Pay attention to nonverbal signals

3. Keep stress in check

4. Assert yourself

Skill 1: Become an engaged listener

People often focus on what they should say, but effective communication is less
about talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just understanding
the words or the information being communicated, but also understanding the
emotions the speaker is trying to communicate.

Theres a big difference between engaged listening and simply hearing. When you
really listenwhen youre engaged with whats being saidyoull hear the subtle
intonations in someones voice that tell you how that person is feeling and the
emotions theyre trying to communicate. When youre an engaged listener, not only
will you better understand the other person, youll also make that person feel heard
and understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper connection between you.

By communicating in this way, youll also experience a process that lowers stress
and supports physical and emotional well-being. If the person youre talking to is
calm, for example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you, too. Similarly, if
the person is agitated, you can help calm them by listening in an attentive way and
making the person feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other person, listening in an
engaged way will often come naturally. If it doesnt, try the following tips. The more
you practice them, the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with others
will become.

How do you become an engaged listener?

Focus fully on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues. To
emotion, so if youre thinking about other things, checking text messages or doodling, youre almos
nonverbal cues and the emotional content behind the words being spoken. And if the person talkin
distracted, youll be able to quickly pick up on it. If you find it hard to concentrate on some speakers
words over in your headitll reinforce their message and help you stay focused.

Favor your right ear. The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for both sp
and emotions. Since the left side of the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring yo
you better detect the emotional nuances of what someone is saying. Try keeping your posture strai
and tilting your right ear towards the speakerthis will make it easier to pick up on the higher frequ
speech that contain the emotional content of whats being said.

Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your concerns, by saying somethi
thats bad, let me tell you what happened to me. Listening is not the same as waiting for your turn
concentrate on what someones saying if youre forming what youre going to say next. Often, the s
facial expressions and know that your minds elsewhere.

Show your interest in what's being said. Nod occasionally, smile at the person, and make sure y
and inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like yes or uh huh.

Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively with someone, you dont have to li
their ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside your judgment and withhold bla
order to fully understand a person. The most difficult communication, when successfully executed,
unlikely and profound connection with someone.

Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect what has been said by paraphrasing.
How do you become an engaged listener?

or "Sounds like you are saying," are great ways to reflect back. Dont simply repeat what the speak
thoughyoull sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead, express what the speakers words mean to
to clarify certain points: "What do you mean when you say..." or "Is this what you mean?"

Hear the emotion behind the words by exercising your middle ear
muscles

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny middle ear muscles (the smallest in the
body), youll be able to detect the higher frequencies of human speech that impart
emotion and be better able to understand what others are really saying. As well as by
focusing fully on what someone is saying, you can exercise these tiny muscles by
singing, playing a wind instrument, and listening to certain types of music (high-
frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, rather than low-
frequency rock or rap music).

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

When we communicate things that we care about, we do so mainly using nonverbal
signals. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions,
body movement and gestures, eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even
your muscle tension and breathing. The way you look, listen, move, and react to
another person tells them more about how youre feeling than words alone ever can.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you
connect with others, express what you really mean, navigate challenging situations,
and build better relationships at home and work.

You can enhance effective communication by using open body language

arms uncrossed, standing with an open stance or sitting on the edge of your
seat, and maintaining eye contact with the person youre talking to.
You can also use body language to emphasize or enhance your verbal
messagepatting a friend on the back while complimenting him on his
success, for example, or pounding your fists to underline your message.

Tips for improving how you read nonverbal communication

Be aware of individual differences. People from different countries and cultures

tend to use different nonverbal communication gestures, so its important to take age,
culture, religion, gender, and emotional state into account when reading body
language signals. An American teen, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman,
for example, are likely to use nonverbal signals differently.

Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Dont read too much into a
single gesture or nonverbal cue. Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive,
from eye contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up occasionally
and let eye contact slip, for example, or briefly cross their arms without meaning to.
Consider the signals as a whole to get a better read on a person.

Tips for improving how you deliver nonverbal communication

Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words. Nonverbal communication
should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say one thing, but your
body language says something else, your listener will likely feel youre being
dishonest. For example, you cant say yes while shaking your head no.

Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The tone of your voice,
for example, should be different when youre addressing a child than when youre
addressing a group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional state and
cultural background of the person youre interacting with.

Use body language to convey positive feelings even when you're not actually
experiencing them. If youre nervous about a situationa job interview, important
presentation, or first date, for exampleyou can use positive body language to
signal confidence, even though youre not feeling it. Instead of tentatively entering a
room with your head down, eyes averted, and sliding into a chair, try standing tall
with your shoulders back, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm
handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help to put the other person
at ease.

Skill 3: Keep stress in check

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of and in control of your emotions.
And that means learning how to manage stress. When youre stressed, youre more
likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and
lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior.

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement with your spouse,
kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then said or done something you later
regretted? If you can quickly relieve stress and return to a calm state, youll not only
avoid such regrets, but in many cases youll also help to calm the other person as
well. Its only when youre in a calm, relaxed state that you'll be able to know whether
the situation requires a response, or whether the other persons signals indicate it
would be better to remain silent.
In situations such as a job interview, business presentation, high-pressure meeting,
or introduction to a loved ones family, for example, its important to manage your
emotions, think on your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure. These tips
can help:

Staying calm under pressure

Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Have a question repeated, or ask for clarification
responding.

Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isnt necessarily a bad thingpausing can make you se
than rushing your response.

Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece of information. If your response is too
about a number of points, you risk losing the listeners interest. Follow one point with an example a
listeners reaction to tell if you should make a second point.

Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say something can be as important as what
clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep your body language relaxed and open

Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your response and then stop talking, even if
the room. You dont have to fill the silence by continuing to talk.

When things start to get heated in the middle of a conversation, you need something
quick and immediate to bring down the emotional intensity. By learning to quickly
reduce stress in the moment, though, you can safely face any strong emotions youre
experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave appropriately. When you know how
to maintain a relaxed, energized state of awarenesseven when something
upsetting happensyou can remain emotionally available and engaged.

Quick stress relief for effective communication

To deal with stress during communication:

Recognize when you're becoming stressed. Your body will let you know if youre
stressed as you communicate. Are your muscles or your stomach tight and/or sore?
Are your hands clenched? Is your breath shallow? Are you "forgetting" to breathe?
Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a conversation or
postpone it.

Bring your senses to the rescue and quickly manage stress by taking a few deep
breaths, clenching and relaxing muscles, or recalling a soothing, sensory-rich image,
for example. The best way to rapidly and reliably relieve stress is through the senses:
sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell. But each person responds differently to sensory
input, so you need to find things that are soothing to you.

Look for humor in the situation. When used appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve
stress when communicating. When you or those around you start taking things too seriously,
find a way to lighten the mood by sharing a joke or amusing story.
Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a little, youll be able to find a
happy middle ground that reduces the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that
the other person cares much more about something than you do, compromise may be easier
for you and a good investment in the future of the relationship.
Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the situation so everyone can calm
down. Take a quick break and move away from the situation. Go for a stroll outside if
possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical movement or finding a quiet place to
regain your balance can quickly reduce stress.

Skill 4: Assert yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication and can help boost self-esteem
and decision-making. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in
an open and honest way, while standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT
mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective communication is always about
understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or forcing your opinions on
others.

To improve assertiveness:

Value yourself and your options. They are as important as anyone else's.

Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without infringing on the rights of others

Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's OK to be angry, but you must be respectful as well.

Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when n

Learn to say "no." Know your limits and don't let others take advantage of you. Look for alternatives so ev
 To improve assertiveness:

the outcome.

Developing assertive communication techniques

Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person. First, recognize the other
person's situation or feelings, then state your needs or opinion. "I know you've been very
busy at work, but I want you to make time for us as well."
Escalating assertion can be used when your first attempts are not successful. You become
increasingly firm as time progresses, which may include outlining consequences if your
needs are not met. For example, "If you don't abide by the contract, I'll be forced to pursue
legal action."
Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to start with to help build up your confidence.
Or ask friends or family if you can practice assertiveness techniques on them first.
Related HelpGuide articles

Conflict Resolution Skills: Building the Skills That Can Turn Conflicts into
Opportunities

Managing Conflicts with Humor: Using Laughter to Strengthen Your Relationships

and Resolve Disagreements

Nonverbal Communication: Improving Your Nonverbal Skills and Reading Body

Language

Resources and references

Effective Communication: Improving Your Social Skills Learn how to communicate more
effectively, improve your conversation skills, and be more assertive. (AnxietyBC)
Core Listening Skills Find tips on how to be a better listener and identify and improve the
things that are getting in your way. (SucceedSocially.com)
Effective Communication (PDF) How to effectively communicate in groups using
nonverbal communication and active listening techniques. (University of Maine)
Some Common Communication Mistakes Overview of common mistakes that get in the
way of effective communication and how you can avoid them. (SucceedSocially.com)
Active Listening: Hear What People are Really Saying Understanding active listening,
particularly as it applies to the workplace, and the steps you can take to become an active
listener. (MindTools.com)
HUMAN RELATIONS
Human relations seem to be an easy and a common sense subject. It can make our lives easy and
comfortable or difficult and miserable. Human relations are at work not only in our work lives but also in
our family and in our personal lives. The term Human Relations in its broadest sense covers all types of
interactions among people. It is a study of WHY our beliefs, attitudes and behaviors some times CAUSE
interpersonal conflicts in our personal lives and in work related situations. This subject focuses on the
systematic analysis of human behavior, preventing conflict, and resolution of behavioral problems.
The subject can help in the development of interpersonal relations and produce those abilities which
promote good working relations with people at work and also in personal life. This course aims to develop
the abilities to resolve conflicts amicably and to address the various interpersonal issues congenially. An
American research suggests that for personal success, only 15 percent contribution comes from technical
skills and 85 percent contribution comes from interpersonal skills. This finding from a Western
environment may not be that applicable to Pakistani environment but it is quite certain that the major
contribution towards personal success comes from interpersonal skills.
In an organization, managers are concerned with three types of resources,
1. Physical resources;
2. Financial resources;
3. Human resources;
Physical and Financial resources are the building, furniture, environment, money etc. Human resource is the
most important resource that managers have to deal with efficiently and effectively. Good human resource
is capable and will be profitable for the organization. Suppose a situation arises that people within an
organization don't get along with one another. There are conflicts over small and large issues, day in and
day out. Resolving these conflicts uses most of the energy of the employees and as a result physical and
financial resources are not used to the optimum level.
How human relations or interpersonal skills affect the people in an organization and how they relate to one
another and get things done in a congenial manner, not only affects its work environment but also have an
impact for the profits/outcomes of the company.
The main question now arises is HOW TO DEVELOP GOOD HUMAN RELATIONS?
Some Guidelines for Effective Human Relations:
1. Keep a positive approach.
2. Be an optimistic person.
3. Be genuinely interested in others.
4. Call people politely by name.
5. Help other people whenever possible.
6. Create a Win-Win situation.
7. Think before you act.
8. Have open communication.
9. Develop a pleasant work environment.
One main question to develop and improve human relations is to understand yourself. There are three
aspects of a person:
1. Private Self: The personal life of a person.
2. Projected Self: What the person would like to project in public.
3. Perceived Self: The way people see us.
1
Communication Skills and Personality Development

Personality refers to an individuals characteristics, style, behavior, mindset, attitude,

his own unique way of perceiving things and seeing the world. Genetic factors, family
backgrounds, varied cultures, environment, current situations play an imperative role
in shaping ones personality. The way you behave with others reflects your
personality. An individual with a pleasing personality is appreciated and respected by
all.

Effective Communication skills play a crucial role in honing ones

personality. Communication helps individuals to express themselves in the
most convincing way. Your thoughts, feelings and knowledge should be passed on
in the most desirable manner and effective communication skills help you in the
same.

A person should speak really well to make a mark of his/her own. Remember, no one
would take you seriously if you do not master the art of expressing yourself clearly
and in the most convincing manner.

Not all people are blessed with excellent communication skills; they acquire the same
with time and practice. People with great communication skills tend to have a
better and impressive personality than those who have problems in
communicating as interacting with others is not a challenge for them. Individuals with
effective communication skills can easily converse with other people around be it
their fellow workers, peers, family and so on.

Effective communication skills strengthen the bond among individuals. It is

also said to improve the interpersonal relationships with other people.

Careful selection of words is essential for effective communication skills. You really
need to know what you are speaking. You never know what might hurt the other
person. Never even think of being rude to anyone.

Speak convincingly so that the other person understands what you intend to
communicate. Your style of speaking has a tremendous impact on your personality.
Speaking slowly always helps as it allows you to find appropriate words and also
reflects thoughtfulness. Emphasize important and relevant words for the other
person to realize the importance.

Speaking confidently is the key to an impressive and great personality. Do not show
signs of nervousness while interacting with others. There is no point of being
nervous unless and until you yourself are not sure of what you are speaking. Develop
proper eye contact with the other person. Do not look around while interacting with
the other person.
 Take care of your body language. Correct body language exudes confidence
which further hones an individuals personality. Do not fiddle with things around while
speaking.

Be very particular about the pronunciation of words. If you are not very sure of
how to pronounce a particular word, avoid the same in your speech. Pronouncing
words wrongly creates a bad impression on others.

You really do not need to speak with a fake accent to prove that you have excellent
communication skills. Avoid copying others. An individual should have his/her own
style to stand apart from the rest. Speaking articulately enhances ones personality
and makes him/her different from others.

Do not play with words. Never try to fool anyone as you might fall in the trap later on.
One should always say things straight to the point.

It is important to be a good and patient listener for effective communication

skills. Observe whether the other person is listening to you or not. Allow the other
person to speak as well in case of queries or confusions.

Behavioral communication
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Behavioral Communication is defined as a psychological construct which influences individual
differences in the expression of feelings, needs, and thoughts as a substitute for more direct and
open communication.[1] Specifically, it refers to people's tendency to express feelings, needs, and
thoughts by means of indirect messages and behavioral impacts.[2] It can be argued that much of
our communication is, in fact, non-verbal.
Any behavior (or its absence when one is expected) may be judged as communicative if it has
the intent to convey a message. For example, an expressive hairstyle, a show of a certain
emotion, or simply doing (or not doing) the dishes all can be means by which people may convey
messages to each other.
The construct of behavioral communication is conceived as a variable of Individual differences.
This means that some people more than others tend to engage in indirect or behavioral
communication, whether consciously doing so or unconsciously doing so, in spite of the plausible
alternatives of using verbal communication.[1] An individual's behavioral style greatly effects their
verbal and nonverbal communication. It is rare that someone utilizes all one behavioral
communication style, all of the time.[3] Being able to identify one's own behavioral style requires a
high level of self-awareness.[3]

Contents
[hide]

1Different types of communication behavior

o 1.1Aggressive

o 1.2Assertive

o 1.3Passive
 o 1.4Passive-Aggressive

2References

3External links

Different types of communication behavior[edit]

There are four different types of communication behavior: aggressive, assertive, passive,
and passive-aggressive.
Aggressive[edit]
Aggression is defined as an unplanned act of anger in which the aggressor intends to hurt
someone or something.[4] Aggressive communicators typically create avoidable conflict by
engaging in personal attacks and put-downs.[5] Aggressive communicators create a win-lose
situation and use intimidation to get their own needs met, often at the expense of others.
[6]
Aggressive communicators typically feel a strong sense of inadequacy, have a lack
of empathy, and believe the only way to get their needs met is through power and control.
[6]
Aggressive communicators are usually close-minded, are poor listeners, and tend to
monopolize others.[3]
Behaviors often seen during aggressive communication include: putting others down,
overpowering others, not showing appreciation, rushing others unnecessarily, ignoring others,
not considering others feelings, intimidating others, and speaking in a condescending manner.[3]
[7]
Nonverbal behaviors exhibited during aggressive communication include: frowning, critical
glares, rigid posture, trying to stand over others, using a loud voice and fast speech. [3]
While engaging in this type of communications, individuals typically
feel anger, superiority, frustration, and impatience.[3] Aggressive communication often results in
counter aggression, alienation, and the creation of resistance or defiance. [3] Additionally,
individuals on the receiving end of aggressive communication typically feel: resentful, defensive,
humiliated, hurt, and or afraid.[8]
There are times when aggressive communication is pertinent, however. The aggressive
communication style is essential during emergencies or when decisions have to be quickly
made.[3]
Assertive[edit]
Assertiveness is described as the ability to appropriately expresses ones own wants and
feelings.[7] Assertive communication is thought to be the halfway point between passive
communication and aggressive communication.[7] Assertive communication is based on the belief
that each individual is responsible for his or her own problems; therefore they are responsible for
directly communicating these problems to the other party involved.[6] Assertive communication is
a direct form of communication that respects both the communicators and the receivers rights
and opinions.[6] Assertive communication is direct without being argumentative. [6] Engaging in
assertive communication helps individuals avoid conflict, maintain relationships, and usually
ends in a win-win situation.[9] Assertive communication is the communication style that is least
utilized, however.[8]
Individuals who engage in assertive communication are open to hearing the opinions of others,
without criticizing their opinions, and feel comfortable enough to express their own opinions as
well.[6] Assertive communicators generally have high self-esteem, as they have the confidence to
effectively communicate with others without getting offended or being manipulative. [8] While
engaging in conversation, assertive communicators will state limits and expectations, state
observations without judgment, be an active listener, and check on others feelings. [3] Essential
problem solving skills that assertive communicators acquire include negotiations, confronting
problems as soon as they arise, and not letting negative feelings build up. [3]
Behaviors that may be present when an individual is engaging in assertive communication
include: being open when expressing their thoughts and feelings, encouraging others to openly
express their own opinions and feelings, listening to others opinions and appropriately
responding to them, accepting responsibilities, being action-orientated, being able to admit
mistakes, setting realistic goal, maintaining self-control, and acting as an equal to those whom
are on the receiving end of the communication,.[7][3]
There are many nonverbal behaviors that represent assertive communication as well. Individuals
engaging in assertive communication convey an open and receptive body language, with upright
posture and movements that are relaxed.[6] Assertive communicators have a clear tone of voice
and make appropriate eye contact.[6] Assertive communicators typically feel more confident and
self-respecting while engaging in this type of communication.[7] People on the receiving end of
assertive communication typically feel as though they can believe the communicator, know
where they stand with the communicator, and possess a sense of respect for the communicator.[8]
Assertive communication has positive effects on both the communicator and the receiver. Some
positive effects include: the communicator feels connected to others, the communicator feels in
control of their lives, the communicator is able to mature because they address and solve issues
as they come up, and creating a respectful environment for others. [10]
Passive[edit]
Passive communication involves not expressing ones own thoughts or feelings and putting their
needs last in an attempt to keep others happy.[9] Passive communicators will internalize their
discomfort in order to avoid conflict and to be liked by others.[6] This communication style is
typically exhibited when individuals feel as if their needs do not matter and that if they voice their
concerns they will be rejected.[6] Individuals who exhibit a predominately passive communication
style usually have low self-esteem and may not be able to effectively recognize their own needs.
[6]
They tend to trust others but they do not trust themselves.[3]
There are many behavioral characteristics identified with this communication style. These
behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to: actively avoiding confrontation, difficulty
taking responsibilities or making decisions, agreeing with someone elses preferences, refusing
compliments, sighing a lot, asking permission unnecessarily, and blaming others. [8] There are also
many non-verbal behaviors that reflect passive communication. Typically, individuals engaging in
a passive communication style have a soft voice, speak hesitantly, and make themselves very
small.[8] They also tend to fidget and avoid eye contact.[8]
Passive communicators elicit numerous feelings in themselves as well as in others. They
typically possess feelings of anxiety, depression, resentfulness, feelings of powerlessness, and
confusion.[10] They feel anxious because their life seems to be out of their control and they acquire
depressive feelings from a perceived sense of hopelessness.[10] Passive communicators may
become resentful because they feel as if their own needs are not being met and may become
confused because they cannot identify their own feelings.[10] People on the receiving end of
passive communication typically feel frustrated, guilty, and may discount the passive
communicator for not knowing what they want.[8] While engaging in this type of communication,
passive individuals typically feel anxious during the conversation and hurt or angry later.[8]
Passive communicators tend to build dependency relationships, often do not know where they
stand in situations, and will over-promote others, all resulting in depletion of their self-esteem.
[3]
Passive communicators do not regularly respond to hurtful situations, but instead let their
discomfort build until they have an explosive outburst.[10] This outburst causes shame and
confusion, leading the individual back into a passive communication style. [10]
There are, however, numerous instances in which passive communication is necessary. A few
situations may include: when an issue is minor, when the problems caused by the conflict are
worse than the actual conflict, and when emotions are running high. [3]
Passive-Aggressive[edit]
The Passive-Aggressive style incorporates aspects of both passive and aggressive
communication styles. Individuals utilizing this style appear passive, but act out their anger in
indirect ways.[8] People who develop this style of communication usually feel powerless, resentful,
and or stuck.[10] A passive-aggressive individual exposes their anger through means of
procrastination, being exaggeratedly forgetful, and or being intentionally inefficient, among other
things.[6]
There are many behavioral characteristics that are identified with this communication style.
These behavioral characteristics include, but are not limited to: sarcasm, being unreliable,
frequent complaining, sulking, patronizing, and gossiping. [8] Non-verbal behaviors, such as
posture or facial expression, can also reflect passive-aggressive communication.
Typically, individuals engaging in passive-aggressive communication have asymmetrical posture
and display jerky or quick gestures.[8] They may also have an innocent facial expression and act
excessively friendly to conceal their anger or frustration.[8] People on the receiving end of
passive-aggressive communication are usually left confused, angry, and hurt. [8] They tend to be
alienated from others because they elicit these unpleasant feelings. [10] A passive-aggressive
communication style does not address and properly deal with the pertinent issues or problems.
This maladaptive problem-solving style keeps passive-aggressive communicators in a state of
powerlessness, resulting in continued passive-aggression.[10]
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Language/Behavior include: wistful statements, backhanded
compliments, purposefully ignoring or saying nothing, leaving someone out, sabotaging
someone, and muttering to oneself instead of confronting the issue. [11]
TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS
Transactional analysis (TA) provides useful models for leadership styles. Eric Berne developed transactional
analysis, and it has been applied, and written about ever since. TA has been used with organizational
development and to improve quality of work life. Recently TA has been used to develop multinational
corporations prepare mangers to operate efficiently within other cultures. TA is being used within relationship
marketing to develop good human relations with customers.
Transactional analysis is a method of understanding behavior in interpersonal dynamics. When you talk to
someone about anything, you are involved in interpersonal dynamics, and a series of transactions take place. An
organization is a product of the process of its human relations.
Organizations have trained their employees in TA to improve their ability to handle difficult personal
situations. A few of these companies include Pan American World Airways, the United Telephone Company of
Texas, and Pitney Bowes. Studying TA can help you better understand people's behavior, and how to deal with
emotions in a more positive way.
Below are three ego states, types of transactions, and life positions and stroking. Keep in mind that people are
diverse and you will encounter a variety of ego states.
EGO STATES
According to Berne, we all have three major ego states that affect our behavior or the way we transact. The
three ego states are the parent, child, and adult.
We change ego states throughout the day, and even during a single
discussion a series of transactions can take place between different ego states. Your parent, child, and adult ego
states interact with other people's parent, child, and adult ego states. Understanding the ego state of the person
you are interacting with can help you to understand his or her behavior and how to transact in an effective way.
Parent Ego State
When the parent ego is in control, people behave from one of two perspectives:
1. Critical Parent. When you behave and respond with evaluative responses that are critical, judgmental,
opinionated, demanding, disapproving, disciplining, and so on, you are in critical parent ego state. People
in the critical parent ego use a lot of do's and don'ts. Managers using the autocratic style tend to be in
critical parent ego state because they use high task/directive behavior.
2. Sympathetic Parent. On the other hand, you can also be a different type of parent. When you behave and
respond with reassuring response that are protecting, permitting, consoling, caring, nurturing, and so on,
you are in sympathetic parent ego state. Managers using the consultative and participative styles tend to be
in sympathetic parent ego state because they are using high supportive/relationship behavior.
Child Ego State
When the child ego state is in control, people behave from one of two perspectives:
1. Natural Child. When you behave and respond with probing responses that shows curiosity, intimacy, fun,
joyfulness, fantasy, impulsiveness, and so on, you are in natural child ego state. Successful managers do not
tend to continuously operate from the natural child ego state.
2. Adapted Child. When you behave with confronting responses that express rebelliousness, pouting, anger,
fear, anxiety, inadequacy, procrastination, blaming others, and so on, you are in adapted child ego state.
Managers should avoid behaving from the adapted child ego state because this type of behavior often leads
to the employee becoming emotional and behaving in a similar manner. When managers are transacting
with an employee in this ego state, they should not react with similar behavior, but should be in the adult
ego state.
Adult Ego State
When the adult ego is in control, people behave in a thinking, rational, calculating, factual, unemotional
manner. The adult gathers information, reasons things out, estimates probabilities, and makes decision with
cool and calm behavior. When communicating in the adult ego state, you avoid becoming the victim of the
other person by controlling your response to the situation.
Generally, the most effective behavior, human relations, and performance come from the adult ego state. When
interacting with others, you should be aware of their ego state. Are they acting like a parent, child, or adult?

Transactional analysis integrates the theories of psychology and psychotherapy because it has
elements of psychoanalytic, humanist and cognitive ideas.
According to the International Transactional Analysis Association,[7] TA 'is a theory of personality
and a systematic psychotherapy for personal growth and personal change'.

1. As a theory of personality, TA describes how people are structured psychologically. It

uses what is perhaps its best known model, the ego-state (Parent-Adult-Child) model, to
do this. The same model helps explain how people function and express their personality
in their behaviour[7]

2. As Berne set his Psychology up, there are four life positions that a person can hold, and
holding a particular psychological position has profound implications for how an
individual operationalizes his or her life. The positions are stated as:

1. I'm OK and you are OK. This is the healthiest position about life and it means that
I feel good about myself and that I feel good about others and their competence.

2. I'm OK and you are not OK. In this position I feel good about myself but I see
others as damaged or less than and it is usually not healthy,

3. I'm not OK and you are OK. In this position the person sees him/herself as the
weak partner in relationships as the others in life are definitely better than the
self. The person who holds this position will unconsciously accept abuse as OK.

4. I'm not OK and you are not OK. This is the worst position to be in as it means that
I believe that I am in a terrible state and the rest of the world is as bad.
Consequently, there is no hope for any ultimate supports.[8]

3. It is a theory of communication that can be extended to the analysis of systems and

organisations.[7]

4. It offers a theory for child development by explaining how our adult patterns of life
originated in childhood.[7] This explanation is based on the idea of a "Life (or Childhood)
Script": the assumption that we continue to re-play childhood strategies, even when this
results in pain or defeat. Thus it claims to offer a theory of psychopathology.[7]

5. In practical application, it can be used in the diagnosis and treatment of many types of
psychological disorders and provides a method of therapy for individuals, couples,
families and groups.

6. Outside the therapeutic field, it has been used in education to help teachers remain in
clear communication at an appropriate level, in counselling and consultancy, in
management and communications training and by other bodies.[7]
Philosophy

People are OK; thus each person has validity, importance, equality of respect. [9]
 Positive reinforcement increases feelings of being OK.[10]

All people have a basic lovable core and a desire for positive growth. [10]

Everyone (with only few exceptions, such as the severely brain-damaged) has the
capacity to think.[9]

All of the many facets of an individual have a positive value for them in some way.[10]

People decide their story and destiny, therefore these decisions can be changed. [9]

All emotional difficulties are curable.[10]

Freedom from historical maladaptations embedded in the childhood script is required in order to
become free of inappropriate, inauthentic and displaced emotions which are not a fair and honest
reflection of here-and-now life (such as echoes of childhood suffering, pity-me and other mind
games, compulsive behaviour and repetitive dysfunctional life patterns). The aim of change
under TA is to move toward autonomy (freedom from childhood script), spontaneity, intimacy,
problem solving as opposed to avoidance or passivity, cure as an ideal rather than merely
making progress and learning new choices.

The ego-state (or ParentAdultChild (PAC)) models[edit]

See also: I'm OK, You're OK The Parent, Adult, Child (P-A-C) model
Many of the core TA models and concepts can be categorised into

Structural analysis analysis of the individual psyche

Transactional analysis proper analysis of interpersonal transactions based on structural

analysis of the individuals involved in the transaction

Game analysis repeating sequences of transactions that lead to a result

subconsciously agreed to by the parties involved in the game

Script analysis a life plan that may involve long-term involvement in particular games in
order to reach the life pay-off of the individual
At any given time, a person experiences and manifests his or her personality through a mixture
of behaviours, thoughts, and feelings. Typically, according to TA, there are three ego-states that
people consistently use:

Parent ("exteropsyche"): a state in which people behave, feel, and think in response to
an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other parental figures) acted, or how they
interpreted their parent's actions. For example, a person may shout at someone out of
frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the lesson that this
seemed to be a way of relating that worked.

Adult ("neopsyche"): a state of the ego which is most like an artificially intelligent system
processing information and making predictions about major emotions that could affect its
operation. Learning to strengthen the Adult is a goal of TA. While a person is in the Adult ego
state, he/she is directed towards an objective appraisal of reality.

Child ("archaeopsyche"): a state in which people behave, feel, and think similarly to how
they did in childhood. For example, a person who receives a poor evaluation at work may
 respond by looking at the floor and crying or pouting, as when scolded as a child.
Conversely, a person who receives a good evaluation may respond with a broad smile and a
joyful gesture of thanks. The Child is the source of emotions, creation, recreation,
spontaneity, and intimacy.
Berne differentiated his Parent, Adult, and Child ego states from actual adults, parents, and
children, by using capital letters when describing them. These ego states may or may not
represent the relationships that they act out. For example, in the workplace, an adult supervisor
may take on the Parent role, and scold an adult employee as though he were a Child. Or a child,
using the Parent ego-state, could scold her actual parent as though the parent were a Child.
Within each of these ego states are subdivisions. Thus Parental figures are often either
more nurturing (permission-giving, security-giving) or more criticising (comparing to family
traditions and ideals in generally negative ways); Childhood behaviours are either more natural
(free) or more adapted to others. These subdivisions categorize individuals' patterns of
behaviour, feelings, and ways of thinking, which can be functional (beneficial or positive) or
dysfunctional/counterproductive (negative).
Berne states that there are four types of diagnosis of ego states. They are: "behavioural"
diagnosis, "social" diagnosis, "historical" diagnosis, and "phenomenological" diagnosis. A
complete diagnosis would include all four types. It has subsequently been demonstrated that
there is a fifth type of diagnosis, namely "contextual", because the same behaviour will be
diagnosed differently according to the context of the behaviour.[11]
Ego states do not correspond directly to Sigmund Freud's ego, superego, and id, although there
are obvious parallels: Superego/Parent; Ego/Adult; Id/Child. Ego states are consistent for each
person, and (argue TA practitioners) are more observable than the components of Freud's model.
In other words, the ego state from which someone is communicating is evident in his or her
behaviour, manner and expression.

Transactional Analysis
The following is an introductory description of Transactional Analysis. It is designed
to be understood by the layperson, written with approximately the same level of
complexity that Berne used for Games People Play.

Psychoanalysis before Eric Berne

While there were many theories purporting to explain human behavior before Eric
Berne, the most frequently cited and known is the work of Sigmund Freud. Freud
emerged in the early 20th century with his theories about personality. Freud believed
that personality had three components, all of which must work together to produce
our complex behaviors. These three components or aspects were the Id, Ego, and
the Superego. It was Freuds belief that these three components needed to be well-
balanced to produce reasonable mental health and stability in an individual.
According to Freud, the Id functions in the irrational and emotional part of the mind,
the Ego functions as the rational part of the mind, and the Superego can be thought
of as the moral part of the mind, a manifestation of societal or parental values.

But perhaps Freuds greatest contribution (and the one that influenced Berne) was
the fact that the human personality is multi-faceted. Regardless of the classification or
name given to a particular area of personality (id, superego, etc.), each individual
possesses factions that frequently collide with each other. And it is these collisions
and interactions between these personality factions that manifest themselves as an
individuals thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Thus, under Freuds theories, an
individuals behavior can be understood by analyzing and understanding his/her
three factions. But in a point to be emphasized later in this paper, Dr. Berne believes
that Freuds proposed structures are concepts [and not] phenomenological
realities1

Another scientist whose contributions impacted Dr. Berne in his development of

Transactional Analysis is Dr. Wilder Penfield, a neurosurgeon from McGill
University in Montreal. Penfields experiments focused on the application of
electrical currents to specific regions of the brain. Penfield discovered that, when
applying current to the temporal lobe of live and alert patients, he would stimulate
meaningful memories. In addition, not only were vivid pictures of that persons past
revealed, but also the feelings and emotions associated with that event were
uncovered.These patients would recite these events, even though in many cases they
were events that the patients were unable to recollect on their own.

Penfield carried out these and similar experiments for many years. Some of the key
conclusions that he reached that went on to influence Berne in his development of
Transactional Analysis include:

The human brain acts in many ways like a camcorder, vividly recording
events. While that event may not necessarily be able to be consciously retrieved
by the owner, the event always exists in the brain.

Both the event and the feelings experienced during that event are stored in the
brain. The event and the feelings are locked together, and neither one can be
recalled without the other.

When an individual replays his or her experiences, he or she can replay them
in such a vivid form that the individual experiences again the same emotions he
or she felt during the actual experience. Or, as Bernes student Thomas A.
Harris said I not only remember how I felt, I feel the same way now2

Individuals are able to exist in two states simultaneously. Individuals

replaying certain events are able to experience the emotions associated with
those events, but they are also able to objectively talk about the events at the
same time.
These contributions by Penfield and Freud, as well as many others, were used by
Berne as he developed his theories on Transactional Analysis and games.

Transactions Defined
Before Berne first published his theories on Transactional Analysis, he spent years
formulating the framework of this approach. The key to this methodology was
a transaction the fundamental unit of social intercourse. Berne also defined
a stroke the fundamental unit of social action (strokes are discussed in more detail
later in this paper).

Many of the criticisms of the science (or lack thereof) behind psychotherapy was
the fact that there was no basic unit for study, measurement, and classification. For
example, the study of chemistry was revolutionized with the atomic theory of John
Dalton; without the atom as a fundamental unit, the advancement of chemistry as a
science would have proceeded slowly or not at all. By identifying and defining a
transaction, Berne provided to the psychotherapeutic sciences the atom that was
needed to allow for rigorous analysis.

Although Berne defined transactions long before he published Games People Play, his
description of transactions in Games is the most easily understood:

The unit of social intercourse is called a transaction. If two or more people

encounter each other sooner or later one of them will speak, or give some other
indication of acknowledging the presence of the others. This is called transactional
stimulus. Another person will then say or do something which is in some way related
to the stimulus, and that is called the transactional response.3

With this definition, Dr. Berne defined the basic unit of analysis. At its simplest
level, Transactional Analysis is the method for studying interactions between
individuals. By identifying and standardizing upon a single unit, development and
promotion of this theory was easily facilitated. Psychotherapists were able to read
about Bernes theories and test them out in their own practices. Dr. Thomas Harris
stated in Im OK Youre OK that in Transactional Analysis, we have found a new
language of psychology.

It should be noted that this approach was profoundly different than that of Freud.
While Freud and most other psychotherapists took the rather simplistic approach of
asking the patient about themselves, Berne took an alternate approach to therapy.
Berne felt that a therapist could learn what the problem was by simply observing
what was communicated (words, body language, facial expressions) in a transaction.
So instead of directly asking the patient questions, Berne would frequently observe
the patient in a group setting, noting all of the transactions that occurred between
the patient and other individuals.

Bernes Three Ego States

In addition to the analysis of the interactions between individuals, Transactional
Analysis also involves the identification of the ego states behind each and every
transaction. Berne defined an ego state as a consistent pattern of feeling and experience
directly related to a corresponding consistent pattern of behavior.4

As a practicing psychiatrist in Carmel, California in the early 1950s, Berne treated

hundreds of patients. During the course of their treatment, he consistently noted that
his patients, and indeed all people, could and would change over the course of a
conversation. The changes would not necessarily be verbal the changes could
involve facial expressions, body language, body temperature, and many other non-
verbal cues.

In one counseling session, Berne treated a 35 year old lawyer. During the session, the
lawyer (a male) said Im not really a lawyer; Im just a little boy. But outside the
confines of Dr. Bernes office, this patient was a successful, hard-charging, attorney.
Later, in their sessions, the lawyer would frequently ask Dr. Berne if he was talking
to the lawyer or the little boy. Berne was intrigued by this, as he was seeing a
single individual display two states of being. Berne began referring to these two
states as Adult and Child. Later, Berne identified a third state, one that seemed to
represent what the patient had observed in his parents when he was small. Berne
referred to this as parent. As Berne then turned to his other patients, he began to
observe that these three ego states were present in all of them. As Berne gained
confidence in this theory, he went on to introduce these in a 1957 paper one year
before he published his seminal paper introducing Transactional Analysis.

Berne ultimately defined the three ego states as: Parent, Adult, and Child. It should
be carefully noted that the descriptions of these ego states do NOT necessarily
correspond to their common definitions as used the English language.

Before describing each of the three ego states, it is important to note that these are
fundamentally different than Freuds Ego, Id, and Superego. Berne describes this
best when he writes in Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy:

It will be demonstrated that Parent, Adult, and Child are not concepts, like
Superego, Ego, and Id, or the Jungian constructs, but phenomenological
realities.5 Stated another way, Freuds ego states are unobservable, theoretical states;
but Bernes three ego states can be confirmed with observable behaviors.

The following are detailed descriptions of the three ego states:

Parent The parent represents a massive collection of recordings in the brain

of external events experienced or perceived in approximately the first five years of
life. Since the majority of the external events experienced by a child are actions of the
parent, the ego state was appropriately called Parent. Note that events perceived by
the child from individuals that are NOT parents (but who are often in parent-like
roles) are also recorded in the Parent. When Transactional Analysts refer to the
Parent ego state (as opposed to a biological or stepparent), it is capitalized. The same
goes for the other two states (Adult and Child).

Examples of recordings in the Parent include:

Never talk to strangers

Always chew with your mouth closed

Look both ways before you cross the street

It is worth noting that, while recording these events, the young child has no way to
filter the data; the events are recorded without question and without analysis. One
can consider that these events are imposed on the child.

There are other data experienced by the child that are not recorded in the Parent.
This is recorded in the Adult, which will be described shortly.

Child In contrast to the Parent, the Child represents the recordings in the brain
of internal events associated with external events the child perceives. Stated another
way, stored in the Child are the emotions or feelings which accompanied external
events. Like the Parent, recordings in the Child occur from childbirth all the way up
to the age of approximately 5 years old.

Examples of recordings in the Child include:

When I saw the monsters face, I felt really scared

The clown at the birthday party was really funny!

Adult The Adult is the last ego state. Close to one year of age, a child begins to
exhibit gross motor activity. The child learns that he or she can control a cup from
which to drink, that he or she can grab a toy. In social settings, the child can play
peek-a-boo.

This is the beginning of the Adult in the small child. Adult data grows out of the
childs ability to see what is different than what he or she observed (Parent) or felt
(Child). In other words, the Adult allows the young person to evaluate and validate
Child and Parental data. Berne describes the Adult as being principally concerned
with transforming stimuli into pieces of information, and processing and filing that
information on the basis of previous experience6 Stated another way, Harris
describes the Adult as a data-processing computer, which grinds out decisions after
computing the information from three sources: the Parent, the Child, and the data
which the adult has gathered and is gathering7

One of the key functions of the Adult is to validate data in the parent. An example is:

Wow. It really is true that pot handles should always be turned into the stove said Sally as
she saw her brother burn himself when he grabbed a pot handle sticking out from the stove.

In this example, Sallys Adult reached the conclusion that data in her Parent was
valid. Her Parent had been taught always turn pot handles into the stove, otherwise
you could get burned. And with her analysis of her brothers experience, her Adult
concluded that this was indeed correct.

In an attempt to explain Transactional Analysis to a more mainstream audience, Dr.

Thomas Harris developed the following summary. Although this is a very good tool
for beginners to learn, keep in mind that this a wildly simplified approach, and can
have the effect of dumbing down Transactional Analysis. The summary is as
follows:

Parent taught concept

Child felt concept
Adult learned concept

A more comprehensive understanding of Bernes ego states can be obtained by

consulting Games People Play or Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy, both by Dr.
Berne. Information on both of these books can be found in the Bibliography page.

Analyzing Transactions
When two people communicate, one person initiates a transaction with
the transactional stimulus (see the above Transactions Defined section for a definition
of the transaction stimulus). The person at whom the stimulus is directed will
respond with the transactional response. Simple Transactional Analysis involves
identifying which ego state directed the stimulus and which ego state in the other
person executed the response.

According to Dr. Berne, the simplest transactions are between Adults ego
states. For example, a surgeon will survey the patient, and based upon the data
before him/her, his/her Adult decides that the scalpel is the next instrument
required. The surgeons Adult holds out his/her hand, providing the transactional
stimulus to the nurse. The nurses Adult looks at the hand, and based upon previous
experiences, concludes that the scalpel is needed. The nurse then places the scalpel
in the surgeons hand.

But not all transactions proceed in this manner. Some transactions involve ego states
other than the Adult.

Structural Diagram

This leads us to Parent Child transactions, which are almost as simple as Adult-
Adult transactions. Quoting Dr. Berne in Games People Play: The fevered child asks
for a glass of water, and the nurturing mother brings it. 8 In this, the Child of a small
child directs an inquiry to the Parent of his/her mother. The Parent of the mother
acknowledges this stimuli, and then gives the water to the child. In this example, the
small childs request is the stimuli, and the parent providing the water is the
response. This is nearly as simple as an Adult-Adult transaction.

One of the tools used by a Transactional Analysis practitioner is a structural

diagram, as represented on the left. A structural diagram represents the complete
personality of any individual. It includes the Parent, Adult, and Child ego states, all
separate and distinct from each other. The diagram was developed by Eric Berne
before Games People Play when he was developing his theories of Transactional
Analysis.

Child interacting with a Parent

Transactional Analysts will then construct a diagram showing the ego states involved
in a particular transaction. The transaction to the right shows a Parent Child
transaction, with the Child ego state providing the transactional stimulus, and the
Adult responding with the transactional response.

This transaction matches the Parent Child example listed above, with the fevered
child asking his/her mother for a glass of water.

So far, the two transactions described can be considered complementary

transactions. In a complementary transaction, the response must go back from the
receiving ego state to the sending ego state. For example, a person may initiate a
transaction directed towards one ego state of the respondent. The respondents ego
state detects the stimuli, and then that particular ego state (meaning the ego state to
which the stimuli was directed) produces a response. According to Dr. Berne, these
transactions are healthy and represent normal human interactions. As Berne says
in Games People Play communication will proceed as long as transactions
are complementary.9
 Crossed Transaction

However, not all transactions between humans are healthy or normal. In those cases,
the transaction is classified as a crossed transaction. In a crossed transaction, an ego
state different than the ego state which received the stimuli is the one that responds.
The diagram to the right shows a typical crossed transaction. An example is as
follows:

Agents Adult: Do you know where my cuff links are? (note that this stimuli is
directed at the Respondents Adult).

Respondents Child: You always blame me for everything!10

This is one the classic crossed transactions that occurs in marriage. Instead of the
Respondents Adult responding with I think theyre on the desk, it is the
Respondents Child that responds back.

It is important to note that when analyzing transactions, one must look

beyond what is being said. According to Dr. Berne, one must look at how the words
are being delivered (accents on particular words, changes in tone, volume, etc.) as
the non-verbal signs accompanying those words (body language, facial expressions,
etc.). Transactional Analysts will pay attention to all of these cues when analyzing a
transaction and identifying which ego states are involved.

The importance of these non-verbal cues can be understood by considering the work
of Dr. Albert Mehrabian. Berne passed away in 1970, before Mehrabians seminal
work was published. But Mehrabians work quantitatively proved the importance of
non-verbal cues in communication. According to Dr. Mehrabian, when an individual
is speaking, the listener focuses on the following three types of communication:
 Actual Words 7%

The Way words are delivered (tone, accents on certain words, etc.) 38%

Facial expressions 55%

In the above statistics, the percentage figure indicates the degree of importance the
listener places on that type of communication. One can see that facial expressions
play a far more important role in communication (and thus, Transactional Analysis)
than the actual words exchanged.

Berne went on to discuss other types of transactions, but those will not be discussed
here. Once a reasonable understanding of ego states and Transactional Analysis has
been achieved, the games as described in Games People Play can be understood at a
whole new level.

Berne went on to refine his theories beyond Games People Play. The classic follow-up
to Games is What Do You Say After You Say Hello. In addition, after Bernes death in
1970, others continued to build upon Transactional Analysis. Some of these works
can be seen in the Bibliography.

Strokes
As stated earlier, Berne defined a stroke as the fundamental unit of social
action.11 A stroke is a unit of recognition, when one person recognizes another
person either verbally or non verbally. Berne introduced the idea of strokes into
Transactional Analysis based upon the work of Rene Spitz, a researcher who did
pioneering work in the area of child development. Spitz observed that infants
deprived of handling in other words, not receiving any strokes were more prone
to emotional and physical difficulties. These infants lacked the cuddling, touching,
and handling that most other infants received.

Berne took Spitzs observations of these infants and developed theories about the
needs of adults for strokes. Berne postulated that adults need need physical contact
just like infants, but have learned to substitute other types of recognition instead of
physical stimulation. So while an infant needs cuddling, an adult craves a smile, a
wink, a hand gesture, or other form of recognition. Berne defined the
term recognition-hunger as this requirement of adults to receive strokes.

Berne also reasoned that any stroke, be it positive or negative, is better than no
strokes at all. Or, as summarized in TA Today, any stroke is better than no stroke at
all.12 For example, if you are walking in front of your house and you see your
neighbor, you will likely smile and say Hi. Your neighbor will likely say hello
back. This is an example of a positive stroke. Your neighbor could also frown at you
and say nothing. This is an example of a negative stroke. But either case is better than
no stroke at all, if your neighbor ignored you completely.

Dr. Claude Steiner, a student of Dr. Berne who went on to publish many books on
Transactional Analysis, did pioneering work in strokes. He developed what he called
the Stroke Economy.

Transactional Analysis A Model for Effective Communications

May 8, 2012 by WILLY 2 COMMENTS
What is Transactional Analysis?
A psychoanalytic therapy wherein each social transaction is analyzed to
determine the involved ego state (whether parent-like, child-like, or adult-like) as
a basis for understanding behavior. via finto.fi
Transactional Analysis was created by psychotherapist Dr. Eric Berne (1910
1970) from studies he conducted in the 1950s. It made complex interpersonal
transactions understandable when he recognized that people can interact from
one of three ego-states: 1. Parent, 2. Adult, 3. Child.
Each one of the ego states is a system of communication with its own language
and function. The Parents is a language of values, the Adults is a language
of logic and rationality, and the Childs is a language of emotions.
Dr. Bernes most famous book, Games People Play, opened up a new area of
understanding about the complexity of overt and covert interpersonal
communications. In enhancing the leaders appreciation of the impact of their
communication efforts intended or not there are a few key things we can
learn from this model.
In this model, the sender is always the one who initiates the transaction or
the communication interaction. There is always a receiver of the
communication and the overall reaction is either complementary or crossed.
Lets examine each:
Complementary Transactions
Since the Adult Ego State is all about logic and rationality, we would ideally like
to ensure that all communications in the workplace are Adult Adult.
After all, we are all supposed to act like adults and that should be the basis for
the vast majority of our communications in the workplace.
In reality, it often doesnt work that way so lets examine crossed transactions.
Crossed Transactions
In a crossed transaction, the most frequently problematic issue is the Parent
Child communication.
First, lets remind ourselves of a couple of key facts about this model:
We possess all three Ego States in our consciousness. Your personality is a result
of your cumulative life experiences. Who you are as a Parent, Adult, or Child is a
function of these experiences, no matter how you may wish to depart from them.
We will not be dealing with any psychoanalytic perspectives here and that is one
of the values of the TA model. You, and whoever you are communicating with,
are who you are.
Although we can learn new behaviors and skills, often what we intend in a
transaction is not how the receiver interprets it.
All Ego States are okay in our business dealings, but you need to be sure you are
using each as you intend!
In this crossed example above, where you (the Sender) are speaking to one of
your staff (the Receiver), it is coming across as a Parent Child transaction.
There can be a lot of reasons for this but think of it diagnostically from each
perspective:
Sender as Parent:
You have had to follow-up several times about a deliverable so you are frustrated
with your staff members performance. You are impatient and your
disappointment is clear in your voice and body language.
You are anxious about getting a big assignment done and need the input of your
staff. They may or may not be aware of the pressure you are under, but your
tension comes across.
You are very good at details and often have valuable insights so you review
things in detail and almost always have suggestions for everything your team
does.
Receiver as Child:
Im trying here and I feel I have disappointed Mom or Dad.
My boss sounds like my Dad or Mom when I was a teenager and came home
after curfew.
They feel like you may not trust them to perform adequately, even when they
have been doing the work for some time.
The key here is to heighten your awareness of how your communication is being
received. If you get into the Parent Child mode too often with a subordinate, it
can be very frustrating. Examine:
The relationship you have established with them. Do they fit the team and are
they responsive to your style? Have you invested enough time to have them
understand your expectations?
Do they have the skills and training they need to succeed? Can they do what you
are asking?
Further Background on Transactional Analysis
Ego States and Transactions
Peoples interactions are made up of transactions. Any one transaction has two
parts: the stimulus and the response. Individual transactions are usually part of a
larger set. Some of these transactional sets or sequences can be direct,
productive and healthy or they can be devious, wasteful and unhealthy.
When people interact they do so in one of three different ego states. An ego
state is a specific way of thinking, feeling and behaving and each ego state has
its origin in specific regions of the brain. People can behave from their Parent Ego
State, Adult Ego State, or Child Ego State. At any one time our actions come from
one of these three ego states.
The Parent: The Parent is like a tape recorder. It is a collection of pre-recorded,
pre-judged, prejudiced codes for living. When a person is in the Parent ego state,
she thinks, feels and behaves like one of her parents or someone who took their
place. The Parent decides, without reasoning, how to react to situations, what is
good or bad, and how people should live. The Parent judges for or against and
can be controlling or supportive. When the Parent is critical it is called the Critical
Parent. When it is supportive it is called the Nurturing Parent.
The Adult: When in the Adult ego state the person functions as a human
computer. It operates on data it collects and stores or uses to make decisions
according to a logic-based program. When in the Adult ego state the person uses
logical thinking to solve problems making sure that Child or Parent emotions do
not contaminate the process.
The Child: When we are in the Child ego state we act like the child we once were.
We arent just putting on an act; we think, feel, see, hear and react as a three or
five or eight year old child. The ego states are fully experienced states of being,
not just roles. When the Child is hateful or loving, impulsive, spontaneous or
playful it is called the Natural Child. When it is thoughtful, creative or imaginative
it is called the Little Professor. When it is fearful, guilty or ashamed it is called
the Adapted Child. The Child has all the feelings; fear, love, anger, joy, sadness,
shame and so on. The Child is often blamed for being the source of peoples
troubles because it is self-centered, emotional, powerful and resists the
suppression that comes with growing up.
Complementary and Cross Transactions
Transactions occur when any person relates to any other person. Each
transaction is made up of a stimulus and a response and transactions can
proceed from the Parent, Adult or Child of one person to the Parent, Adult or
Child of another person.
A complimentary transaction involves the same ego state in each person. In
a crossed transaction the transactional response is addressed to an ego state
different from the one which started the stimulus.
Communication can continue between two people as long as transactions are
complimentary: crossed transactions are important because they disrupt
communication.

Conflict Management : Characteristics, Types, Stages, Causes and other Details

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Read this article to get information about Conflict Management : its
characteristics, concept, types, stages, causes, styles, factors regarding Conflict
Management!
Conflicts are natural in all walks of daily life both at workplace and home.
Thus, conflict is ever present and both charming and maddening.
But conflict is a complex and big subject. There are many sources
of conflict. Conflict occurs when individuals or groups are not
obtaining what they need or want and are seeking their own self-
interest.

Sometimes the individual is not aware of the need and unconsciously starts
to act out. Other times, the individual is very aware of what he or she wants
and actively works at achieving the goal. It would be better to identify
conflict at an early stage and come to an understanding.

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The concept of conflict is controversial. Psychologists and sociologists
have given different meanings. It is being defined as a process by few, an
obstructive behavior, and goal incompatibility by others. Conflict can be
expressed as:

Conflict is a process, where perception (real or otherwise) leads to

disruption of desirable state of harmony and stability in an interdependent
world.

Characteristics of Conflict:
1. Conflict is a Process:
Conflict occurs in layers. First layer is always misunderstanding. The other
layers are differences of values, differences of viewpoint, differences of
interest, and interpersonal differences. It is also called a process because it
begins with one party perceiving the other to oppose or negatively affect its
interests and ends with competing, collaborating, compromising or
avoiding.

2. Conflict is Inevitable:
Conflict exists everywhere. No two persons are the same. Hence they may
have individual differences. And the differences may be because of values
or otherwise, lead to conflict. Although inevitable, conflict can be minimized,
diverted and/or resolved. Conflict develops because we are dealing with
peoples lives, jobs, children, pride, self-concept, ego and sense of mission.
Conflict is inevitable and often good, for example, good teams always go
through a form, storm, norm and perform period.

3. Conflict is a Normal Part of Life:

Individuals, groups, and organisations have unlimited needs and different
values but limited resources. Thus, this incompatibility is bound to lead to
conflicts. The conflict is not a problem, but if it is poorly managed then it
becomes a problem.

4. Perception:
It must be perceived by the parties to it, otherwise it does not exist. In
interpersonal interaction, perception is more important than reality. What
we perceive and think affects our behaviour, attitudes, and communication.

5. Opposition:
One party to the conflict must be perceiving or doing something the other
party does not like or want.

6. Interdependence and Interaction:

There must be some kind of real or perceived interdependence. Without
interdependence there can be no interaction. Conflict occurs only when
some kind of interaction takes place.

7. Everyone is inflicted with Conflict:

Conflict may occur within an individual, between two or more individuals,
groups or between organisations.

8. Conflict is not Unidimensional:

It comes into different ways in accordance with degree of seriousness and
capacity. At times, it may improve even a difficult situation.

Concept of Conflict Management:

Conflict management is the principle that all conflicts cannot necessarily be
resolved, but learning how to manage conflicts can decrease the odds of
non-productive escalation. Conflict management involves acquiring skills
related to conflict resolution, self-awareness about conflict modes, conflict
communication skills, and establishing a structure for management of
conflict in your environment. All members of every organisation need to
have ways of keeping conflict to a minimum and of solving problems
caused by conflict, before conflict becomes a major obstacle to your work.

Types of Conflict:
Conflicts can be of different types as described below:
On the basis of involvement:
Conflicts may be intrapersonal (conflict with self), interpersonal (between
two persons) and organisational. Organizational conflict, whether real or
perceived, is of two types -intraorganizational and interorganizational.
Interorganizational conflict occurs between two or more organizations.

ADVERTISEMENTS:

Different businesses competing against each other are a good example of

interorganizational conflict. Intraorganizational conflict is the conflict within
an organization, and can be examined based upon level (e.g. department,
work team, individual), and can be classified as interpersonal, intragroup
and intergroup.

Interpersonal conflict-once again-whether it is substantive or affective,

refers to conflict between two or more individuals (not representing the
group of which they are a part of) of the same or different group at the
same or different level, in an organization.

Interpersonal conflict can be divided into intergroup and intergroup conflict.

While the former intragroup-occurs between members of a group (or
between subgroups within a group), intergroup-occurs between groups or
units in an organization.

On the basis of Scope:

Conflicts may be substantive and Affective. A substantive conflict is
associated with the job, not individuals, while an affective conflict is drawn
from emotions. Substantive conflicts may be over the facts of a situation,
the method or means of achieving a solution to the problem, ends or goals,
and values. Thus it includes task conflict and process conflict in its scope.

Procedural conflicts can include disagreements about factors such as

meeting dates and times, individual task assignments, group organization
and leadership, and methods of resolving disagreements. Unresolved
procedural conflicts can prevent work on collaborative projects. Substantive
conflict can enhance collaborative decision-making. Substantive conflict is
also called performance, task, issue, or active conflict.

On the other hand, an affective conflict (also called as relationship or

opposite of agreeable conflict) deals with interpersonal relationships or
incompatibilities and centres on emotions and frustration between parties.

Affective conflicts can be very destructive to the organisation, if remains

unresolved. Relationship conflict comes under the scope of affective
conflicts. An affective conflict is nearly always disruptive to collaborative
decision-making. The conflict causes members to be negative, irritable,
suspicious, and resentful.

For example, when collaborators disagree on the recognition and solution

to a task problem because of personal prejudices (e.g. prejudices
stemming from strong social, political, economic, racial, religious, ethnic,
philosophical, or interpersonal biases) they are seldom able to focus on the
task.

The two concepts are related to each other. If one could make a distinction
between good and bad conflict, substantive would be good and affective
conflict would be bad. Substantive conflict deals with disagreements among
group members about the content of the tasks being performed or the
performance itself.

On the basis of Results:

Conflict can be Constructive or Destructive, creative or restricting, and
positive or negative. Destructive conflicts are also known as dysfunctional
conflicts, because such conflicts prevent a group from attaining its goals.

Conflict is destructive when it takes attention away from other important

activities, undermines morale or self-concept, polarises people and groups,
reduces cooperation, increases or sharpens difference, and leads to
irresponsible and harmful behaviour, such as fighting, name-calling.

On the other hand, constructive conflicts are also known as functional

conflicts, because they support the group goals and help in improving
performance. Conflict is constructive when it results in clarification of
important problems and issues, results in solutions to problems, involves
people in resolving issues important to them, causes authentic
communication, helps release emotion, anxiety, and stress, builds
cooperation among people through learning more about each other; joining
in resolving the conflict, and helps individuals develop understanding and
skills.

On the basis of Sharing by Groups:

Conflicts may be Distributive and Integrative. Distributive conflict is
approached as a distribution of a fixed amount of positive outcomes or
resources, where one side will end up winning and the other losing, even if
they do win some concessions.

On the other hand, integrative Groups utilizing the integrative model see
conflict as a chance to integrate the needs and concerns of both groups
and make the best outcome possible. This type of conflict has a greater
emphasis on compromise than the distributive conflict. It has been found
that the integrative conflict results in consistently better task related
outcomes than the distributive conflict.

On the basis of Strategy:

Conflicts may be competitive and cooperative. Competitive conflict is
accumulative. The original issue that began the conflict becomes irrelevant.
The original issue is more of a pretext than a cause of the conflict.
Competitive conflict is marked by the desire to win the fight or argument,
even if winning costs more and causes more pain than not fighting at all.

Costs do not matter in competitive conflict, and therefore, irrationality

remains its main mark. Competitive conflict is characterized by fear, which
is one of the important ingredients in a conflict becoming irrational. If one is
personally invested in the outcome, this too leads to irrational conclusions,
especially if issues of self-esteem, whether personal or national, are
involved.

Competitive conflict can either begin by, or be rationalized by, conflicts of

ideology or principle. Even more, when the desire to win overtakes any
specific reason for the conflict, irrationally develops.

Importantly in history, when powers are roughly equal, such as the World
War I alliances were, conflict that becomes competitive and irrational nearly
always develops. In economic competition customers are the winners and
the firms may be at risk. But in sports competition is encouraged.

In a cooperative situation the goals are so linked that everybody sinks or

swims together, while in the competitive situation if one swims, the other
must sink. A cooperative approach aligns with the process of interest-based
or integrative bargaining, which leads parties to seek win-win solutions.
Disputants that work cooperatively to negotiate a solution are more likely to
develop a relationship of trust and come up with mutually beneficial options
for settlement.

On the basis of Rights and Interests:

Conflict of rights means where people are granted certain rights by law or
by contract or by previous agreement or by established practice. If such a
right is denied, it will lead to conflict. Such a conflict is settled by legal
decision or arbitration, not negotiation.

On the other hand conflict of interests means where a person or group

demands certain privileges, but there is no law or right in existence. Such a
dispute can be settled only through negotiation or collective bargaining.

Stages of Conflict:
A manager must know various stages of conflict to handle it. The solution to
conflict becomes easy before it becomes serious, if he knows of the real
issue behind the conflict and how the conflict developed. Normally a conflict
passes through the following stages:

a. People recognise lack of resources, diversity of language or culture.

Sensitiveness may possibly result in conflict.

b. If there are serious differences between two or among more than two
groups, the latent conflict in a competitive situation may turn out into
conflict.

c. An incident may trigger a latent conflict into an open conflict

d. Once a problem has been solved, the potential for conflict still remains in
the aftermath. In fact the potential is bigger than before, if one party
perceives that the resolution has resulted into win-lose situation.

Are Conflicts Bad and Undesirable?

There are three viewpoints. The traditionalists view conflict as bad and be
avoided. In most of the cultures, this is what is being taught If you cannot
speak well, keep mum, dont fight with anyone, and alike.

The followers of human relations school opine that conflict is natural and
can be functional at sometime and dysfunctional at other time. According to
them, conflict provides an avenue to know of opinions and an opportunity
for creativity and persuasion. Thus, it calls for an open approach to conflict.

The integrationists view conflict as inevitable and stimulating conflict to

some extent is helpful. Conflict is viewed as a positive force except that
when it is misdiagnosed, mismanaged, or improperly avoided.

We are of the opinion that conflicts are inevitable, not always bad or the
same as discomfort, but key to them is proper diagnosis and their
resolution. Conflict is often needed as it-

a. Helps to raise and address problems,

b. Energizes work to be on the most appropriate issues,

c. Helps people be real, for example, it motivates them to participate, and

d. Helps people learn how to recognize and benefit from their differences.

Conflict becomes a problem when it:

a. Hampers productivity,
b. Lowers morale,

c. Causes more and continued conflicts, and

d. Causes inappropriate behaviours.

Conflict Indicators:
a. Body language

b. Colleagues not speaking to each other or ignoring each other

c. Deliberately undermining or not co-operating with each other, to the

downfall of the team

d. contradicting and bad-mouthing one another

e. Disagreements, regardless of issue

f. Withholding bad news

g. Surprises

h. Strong public statements

i. Airing disagreements through media

j. Conflicts in value system

k. Desire for power

l. Increasing lack of respect

m. Open disagreement

n. Lack of candour on budget problems or other sensitive issues

o. Lack of clear goals

p. No discussion of progress, failure relative to goals, failure to evaluate the

superintendent fairly, thoroughly or at all

q. Factions meeting to discuss issues separately, when they affect the

whole organisation

r. One group being left out of organising an event which should include
everybody

s. Groups using threatening slogans or symbols to show that their group is

right and the others are wrong.

Causes/ Reasons/Sources of Conflicts:

Conflicts may be caused by any one or more of the following reasons:
Cognitive (Recognition and Understanding) Dissonance (Difference of
opinion):
It is a conflict between convergent (ability to narrow the number of possible
solutions to a problem by applying logic and knowledge) and divergent
thinking (thinking outwards instead of inward).

Status:
Status is a state, condition, or situation. When there is a need for status
and a wrong person is promoted.

Incongruence:
A party is required to engage in an activity that is incongruent with his or
her needs or interests.

Incompatibility:
A party holds behavioural preferences like attitudes, values, skills, goals,
and perceptions, the satisfaction of which is incompatible with another
persons implementation of his or her preferences. Economics: Insufficient
remuneration to employees.

Stress:
Conflicts from stress from external sources; i.e., functional or dysfunctional
situations.

Poor or Inadequate Organisational Structure and Lack of Teamwork.

Seeking Power:
Often a conflict for power struggle takes place when everyone wants to be
a leader and nobody wants to be a follower.

Weak Leadership:
Conflict is bound to result if someone of less stature leads a more qualified
and experienced worker.

Arbitrary interpretation and application of rules and policies: Lack of

transparency and openness creates dissatisfaction among the affected
people.

Differing viewpoints among colleagues about each other:

In case of joint action two parties may have partially exclusive behavioural
preferences.

Managerial Actions:
Poor communication (employees being not informed of new decisions,
programmes etc., not involved in decision making, and rumor mongering
allowed); insufficient resources (Disagreement on allotment of work, stress
from inadequate financial, equipment, facilities, and other resources and
privileges); absence of personal chemistry between managers and
employees (both sides having rigidity, dislike for absence of self- traits);
lack of clarity in roles and responsibilities, arbitrariness in employees
performance appraisal; weak leadership, and inconsistent, too-strong, or
uninformed leadership (lack of openness, buck-passing with little follow-
through, lingering on issues, first-line managers failing to understand their
subordinates jobs). All these factors cause dissatisfaction.

Conflict Management Styles:

Conflict management must aim at minimizing affective conflicts at all levels,
attain and maintain a moderate amount of substantive conflict, and also to
match the status and concerns of the two parties in conflict.

Many styles of conflict management behavior have been researched in the

past century. Mary Parker Follett described them as domination,
compromise, and integration (involves openness, exchanging information,
looking for alternatives, and examining differences to solve the problem in a
manner that is acceptable to both parties).

She also mentioned avoidance and suppression as other forms of handling

conflicts. Robert R. Blake and Jane S. Mouton then presented five styles:
forcing, withdrawing, smoothing, compromising, and problem solving. The
five styles in currency in 21st century, as shown in Figure 20.2, are:
1. Avoidance (Leave-lose/win):
It is non-assertive and non-cooperative. The manager may think or pretend
that no conflict exists or just ignore it. This strategy is used when the effort
to resolve is not worth the salt. But this approach over the time worsens the
situation.

Avoidance might take the form of diplomatic sidestepping the issue or

postponing resolution in time to come or simply withdrawing from a
situation. A turtle is a symbol for avoidance, because it can avoid
everything by pulling its head and legs into the shell to be off to everything.

2. Accommodating (Yield-lose/win):
Accommodating is non-assertive and cooperative, just opposite of compet-
ing. To solve the conflict, if someone puts his interests last so as to satisfy
concerns of other people by giving in, sacrificing, or accepting, or yielding
to others view point, it is called accommodation.

However, being too accommodating too often can weaken your position to
the point where your voice is never heard. There will be high relationship
orientation. This style is also used when the new approach is to be used in
the very near future. It may solve the conflict for the other party, but a
conflict will begin in manager. This style is not objective.

A chameleon is a symbol of the accommodating style since it changes its

color to match the color of its environment. By changing its color to
accommodate its surroundings, , the chameleon fits quietly into its
environment.

3. Competing (Win/lose):
The style is assertive and non-cooperative. A person puts his/her interests
before anyone elses interests. It is also known as dominating style. One
stands up for his rights and uses all the power to win his position. There is
low relationship orientation. Managers, using this style, want others to
follow his dictates or get his way.

This style can be used only when ones leadership is established. There
would be low relationship orientation Low relationships orientation a lion
can be a symbol of a competitive style. The lions roar helps the lion to
satisfy its interests.

4. Compromising (Mini-win/mini-lose):
It is some assertive and some cooperative. Compromise is on the path
toward collaboration, somewhere between competition and
accommodation. The style means mutual give-and-take to satisfy both
parties, or both may say, Something is better than nothing. It has equal
distance between competing and accommodating.

There would be negotiated relationship orientation. When the objective is to

move on, not to stop the journey, the manager may compromise. A zebra
can be a symbol for the compromising style. A zebras unique look seems
to indicate that it didnt care if it was a black horse or a white horse, so it
split the difference and chose black and white stripes.

5. Collaborating (Win/win):
It is assertive as well as cooperative, just opposite of avoiding. It may also
be called integrative style. This style focuses on satisfying the underlying
concerns of both the parties, meeting many current needs by working
together. Through this style, employees develop ownership and
commitment. Sometimes this style gives birth to new mutual needs.

How to Minimise (Manage) Inter-Personal Conflicts? -The

Managerial Action:
No manager should avoid a conflict, hoping it will go away. It would be
better to ask the participants to describe specific actions they want the
other party to take. It would be beneficial to have a third party (meaning a
non-direct superior with access to the situation) involved. Finally, it is
advisable not to meet separately with people in conflict.

A manager should take following actions to minimize conflicts:

1. Regular Review of Job Descriptions:
With the pace of change the job description must also change. But this will
be possible only when the job descriptions are regularly reviewed.

2. Establish Rapport and build Relationship with all of Your

Subordinates:
For it, meet them at regular intervals; ask them about their achievements,
problems, and challenges.

3. Regular Reports:
A manager must get progress report about his subordinates regularly,
indicating achievements, current needs and future scenario.
4. Training:
Every manager needs to be provided training in interpersonal
communication, conflict management, and delegation of authority.

5. Mutual Development of Procedures:

For routine tasks, the procedures should be developed keeping in mind the
inputs received from employees. If possible, encourage them to write. Such
written procedures should be distributed to all concerned. If the need be,
concerned employees be trained in those procedures.

6. Holding Regular Meetings:

The managers need to hold regular management meetings to inform
subordinates about new initiatives to be taken and the progress of current
programmes.

7. Anonymous Suggestion Box:

Consider such a box in which employees can provide suggestions.

Factors affecting Conflict Styles:

1. Gender:
Some of us use assertive conflict modes because of our gender and
particular kind of socialisation. Some males, because they are male, were
taught to always stand up to someone, and, if you have to fight, then fight.
If one was socialized this way he will be more likely to use assertive conflict
modes versus using cooperative modes.

2. Self-concept:
The way we think and feel about ourselves and opinions about others
affects as to how we approach conflict with the other person.

3. Expectations:
If we believe that our team or the other person wants to resolve the conflict,
we would be positive to resolve the conflict?

4. Position/Power:
Where do we stand in power status relationship with the person we are in
conflict? It means whether the other man is equal to, more than, or less
than us in status.

5. Life Experience:
Through knowledge and experience we might have gained skills about
conflict and conflict management understanding. It enables us to
determine what conflict mode to use with the particular person with whom
we are in conflict.

6. Communication skills:
The basic of conflict resolution and conflict management is how effectively
we communicate. People using effective communication will be able to
resolve conflicts with greater ease and success.

The Nature of Conflict

A conflict is the moment of truth in a relationship-a test of its health, a
crisis that can weaken or strengthen it, a critical event that may bring
lasting resentment, smoldering hostility, psychological scars. Conflicts
can push people away from each other or pull them into a closer and more
intimate union; they contain the seeds of destruction and the seeds of
greater unity; they may bring about armed warfare or deeper mutual
understanding.
How conflicts are resolved is probably the most critical factor in all
relationships. Unfortunately, most people try to resolve them by using
only two basic approaches in which someone wins and someone loses,
both of which outcomes are ineffective and harmful to the relationship.
Few persons accept the fact that conflict is part of life and not necessarily
bad. We look on conflict as something to avoid at all costs. We often hear
husbands and wives boast that they have never had a serious disagreement-
as if that means theirs has been a good relationship.
Parents tell their children, All right, there is to be no arguing tonight at
the dinner table-we dont want to spoil our dinner. Or they yell, Stop
that arguing, right now! Parents of teenagers can be heard lamenting that
now that their children are older there are many more disagreements and
conflicts in the family. We used to see eye to eye on most things. Or,
My daughter was always so cooperative and easy to handle, but now we
dont see things her way and she cant see things our way.
At home or at work, most of us hate to experience conflict, are deeply
trouble when it occurs, and are quite confused about how to handle it
constructively. Actually, it would be a rare relationship if, over a period of
time, one persons needs did not conflict with the others. When any two
people (or groups) coexist, conflict is bound to occur just because people
are different, think differently, and have needs and wants that sometimes
do not match.
Conflict, therefore, is not necessarily bad-it exists as a reality of any
relationship. As a matter of fact, a relationship with no apparent conflict
may be unhealthier than one with frequent conflict. A good example is a
marriage where the wife is always subservient to a dominating husband or
vice versa, or a boss-subordinate relationship in which the subordinate is
so deathly afraid of the boss that s/he does not dare cross him/her in any
way.
Most people have known families, especially large families, where conflict
crops up constantly and yet these families are wonderfully happy and
healthy. Conversely, we often see newspaper accounts of youthful
criminals whose parents indicate complete astonishment that their boy
could do such a thing. They say they never had any trouble with him; he
had always been so cooperative which is usually a euphemism of
obedient.
Conflict in a family or a work group, openly expressed and accepted as a
natural phenomenon, can be far healthier than most people think.
Members have the opportunity to experience conflict, learn how to cope
with it, and be better prepared to deal with it in later life. And family
conflict may actually be beneficial, provided that the conflict in the home
gets resolved constructively.
 hculbert@snu.edu

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Missionaries get into conflict with each other. Pastors

and lay people get into conflict. Volunteers in ministry
organizations find themselves in conflict. Human relations
managers in businesses often find themselves managing
situations of inter-personal conflict.
How can you manage disagreements in ways that
build personal and collegial relationships rather than
harming them? Such disagreements or conflicts can
occur between individuals or between groups of people.
Here are five strategies from conflict management theory
for managing stressful situations. None is them is a "one-
size-fits-all" solution. Which one is the best in a given
situation will depend on a variety of factors, including an
appraisal of the levels of conflict.
Jesus' advice for keeping
peace in relationships:
"1. Don't ignore conflict; address it
"2. Don't exaggerate conflict; solve it
with the least possible publicity and
public scrutiny
"3. Don't abandon conflict; pursue it
to resolution
"4. Don't fence yourself in by conflict;
taking two or three witnesses requires
that you are also open to reproof and
correction
"5. Don't recycle conflict; once
resolved, let it go and get back to your
life"
-- Bruce Barton in "Matthew" section
of Life Application Bible Commentary

Collaborating: win/win

Compromising: win some/lose some

Accommodating: lose/win

Competing: win/lose

Avoiding: no winners/no losers

Collaborating
I win, you win
Symbol: Owl
Fundamental premise: Teamwork and cooperation help
everyone achieve their goals while also maintaining
relationships
Strategic philosophy: The process of working through
differences will lead to creative solutions that will satisfy both
parties' concerns
When to use:

When there is a high level of trust

When you don't want to have full responsibility

When you want others to also have "ownership" of

solutions

When the people involved are willing to change their

thinking as more information is found and new options
are suggested

When you need to work through animosity and hard

feelings

Drawbacks:

The process takes lots of time and energy

Some may take advantage of other people's trust and

openness

Compromising
You bend, I bend
Symbol: Fox
Fundamental premise: Winning something while losing a little is
OK
Strategic philosophy: Both ends are placed against the middle in
an attempt to serve the "common good" while ensuring each
person can maintain something of their original position
When to use:

When people of equal status are equally committed to

goals
 When time can be saved by reaching intermediate
settlements on individual parts of complex issues

When goals are moderately important

Drawbacks:

Important values and long-term objectives can be

derailed in the process

May not work if initial demands are too great

Can spawn cynicism, especially if there's no commitment

to honor the compromise solutions

Accommodating
I lose, you win
Symbol: Teddy Bear
Fundamental premise: Working toward a common purpose is
more important than any of the peripheral concerns; the trauma
of confronting differences may damage fragile relationships
Strategic philosophy: Appease others by downplaying conflict,
thus protecting the relationship
When to use:

When an issue is not as important to you as it is to the

other person

When you realize you are wrong

When you are willing to let others learn by mistake

When you know you cannot win

When it is not the right time and you would prefer to

simply build credit for the future

When harmony is extremely important

When what the parties have in common is a good deal

more important than their differences

Drawbacks:

One's own ideas don't get attention

 Credibility and influence can be lost

Competing
I win, you lose
Symbol: Shark
Fundamental premise: Associates "winning" a conflict with
competition
Strategic philosophy: When goals are extremely important, one
must sometimes use power to win
When to use:

When you know you are right

When time is short and a quick decision is needed

When a strong personality is trying to steamroller you and

you don't want to be taken advantage of

When you need to stand up for your rights

Drawbacks:

Can escalate conflict

Losers may retaliate

Avoiding
No winners, no losers
Symbol: Turtle
Fundamental premise: This isn't the right time or place to
address this issue
Strategic philosophy: Avoids conflict by withdrawing,
sidestepping, or postponing
When to use:

When the conflict is small and relationships are at stake

When you're counting to ten to cool off

When more important issues are pressing and you feel

you don't have time to deal with this particular one

When you have no power and you see no chance of

getting your concerns met
 When you are too emotionally involved and others around
you can solve the conflict more successfully

When more information is needed

Drawbacks:

Important decisions may be made by default

Postponing may make matters worse

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that
battle within you?" -- James 4:1

The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

Conflicts can arise at any time. How you utilize conflict resolution
strategies depends on both your conflict style and your conflict
resolution skills. There are many different ways to respond to conflict
situations; some conflict styles involve a considerate or cooperative
approach while others involve either a competitive or passive
approach.
Those who have proper conflict resolution training understand how to
diffuse the situation and reach an agreement that satisfies all parties.
The first step in conflict resolution is understanding the various styles
of conflict. The five styles of conflict include:
o Avoiding the Conflict
Avoiding or withdrawing from a conflict requires no courage or consideration for the other
party. By avoiding the conflict, you essentially pretend that it never happened or doesnt
exist. Some examples of avoidance or withdrawal include pretending there is nothing wrong,
stonewalling or completely shutting down.

o Giving In
Giving in or accommodating the other party requires a lot of cooperation and little courage.
Basically, you agree to accommodate the other party by acknowledging and accepting his
point of view or suggestion. This style might be viewed as letting the other party have his
way. While this style can lead to making peace and moving forward, it can also lead to the
accommodator feeling resentment toward the other party

o Standing your Ground

While standing your ground requires courage, it can also be inconsiderate. By standing your
ground, you are essentially competing with the other party; youll do anything to ensure that
you win the battle. The fact is, a competitive approach offers short term rewards, but in the
long term effects can be detrimental to your business.
o Compromising
Compromising is a big step toward conflict resolution. Both courage and consideration are
used when both parties look for common ground. You agree to negotiate larger points and
let go of the smaller points; this style expedites the resolution process. Occasionally, the
person compromising might use passive-aggressive tactics to mislead the other party, so
beware.

o Collaborating
Collaboration plays a major role within conflict resolution and requires great courage and
much consideration. Collaborating with the other party involves listening to their side,
discussing areas of agreement and goals, and ensuring that all parties understand each
other. Collaboration requires thinking creatively to resolve the problem without concessions.
Collaborators are usually admired and well-respected.

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regionally accredited and consistently ranked a Best National
University by U.S. News & World Report.
With the advanced skills and powerful credentials youll gain
through Notre Dames Executive Certificate in Negotiation, youll be
able to successfully implement effective conflict resolution techniques
and demonstrate you have what it takes to excel in an executive
management role.