TESTIMONIALS

Truly inspiring. My friends will

need to read this at least once, if

*
not more!
-a woman I heard in passing

A reading experience that had

me laughing and crying all the
way through!*
-the author (yours truly)

Never in my life have I read

anything so terribl...y... fantas...
tic... I would... [recommend this *the plot of the mysterious puzzles and the
book] to... everyone. puzzling mystery which surrounds them
-the New York Times

*actually, it was just for a bit.

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1 2 3
5, 9, 2, 6, 5, 3, 5, 8, 9, 7, 9,
3, 2, 3, 8, 4, 6
1 18
Welcome to the official page of clues

Here, you can begin penciling in the clues

to the terrible secret I warned you about...
Each grey space has a marker that clues you
in to where to write your clues. If youre still
clueless, just think of it like this: me give clue, Welcome reader!
you write clue grey box.

Assuming you picked up this book and

your very first clue the cracked code
started reading of your own volition (and
START not through some manner of coercion) I
commend you on your impeccable taste! Not
softly, it falls sadly, it falls
only is the writing contained in these pages
guaranteed to make you rethink everything
you know of art and literature it will chal-
if you can do it, you certainly are might play the sarangi
lenge you in every sense imaginable. Those
with the razor-sharpest of wits and fiercest
of attention to detail may even uncover the
a rodent do you realize whats at stake?
terrible secret that lurks within.

boiled eggs just like, your opinion, man

To my... ahem, simpler readers, fear
not! I have added arrows just in case
you find this complicated arrangement
of boxes here too hard to understand.
Youre welcome.
17
HOWEVER, before all of that, I must ask you
to make a very important choice. Once you
turn this page, you will be confronted with
two more pages (a shock, no?). Read the
blue page, and you can turn back, their, on
the spot, but read the red page, and your
life will be turned right round, all around,
sideways, front-end and back. Do not read
both pages! I have no idea what happens
in such circumstances, nor can I absolutely
assure you of your safety.
2

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU HAVE
CHOSEN THE BLUE PAGE. YOU DECIDE
TO GO TAKE A NAP, WAKE UP IN YOUR
BED, AND BELIEVE WHATEVER YOU
WANT TO BELIEVE.
CLOSE THE BOOK
3 16
Surprised? Youre coming to the end of our little adventure... Its
been fun, dear, reader. But alas! A book can last only for so long...
I want to warn you though, that the secret you are about to unearth
is neither cute nor cuddly. It is, in fact, terrible. Proceed with these
final clues only if you have found the clues of every previous page
in this book, and only then if you are emotionally prepared.
First, using your clue from page 11 as a base, add in the letters W,
T, and E. I wont specify how to append these letters to the word,
but I will say that the order I listed them here is the same as in the
new word they come together to form.
Then, on page 13, you will find my award-winning poetic verse. Its
rather simple: this, the penultimate clue, sits in the penultimate
stanza, the penultimate line, just behind the penultimate word...
Your final clue lies on the final page (the back cover). Take the final
letters from each of the final three words on the page. Put them
together and there you have it. Handle these clues with great care,
dear reader. And with that, I say goodbye.
Hello my dear, sweet reader. This isnt
How might you describe your
necessarily anything for you to stress
overall impression of this book?
over, but if you get the chance, do
you think that you could fill out this
teensy little one-question survey? One so perfect
question, and thats that. Just fill in the
bubble next the answer you think fits funny, I guess?
the question most appropriately. Like
I said, not absolutely crucial, but this kinda stupid
kind of feedback is a rare opportunity
terrible
one that, I think, most other writers
dont always have at their disposal.
 this page unintentionally left blank (whoops)

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU HAVE

CHOSEN THE RED PAGE. YOU STAY
IN WONDERLAND AND I SHOW YOU
HOW DEEP THE RABBIT HOLE GOES.
SPOILER: PRETTY FAR.

GO TO PAGE 5

15 4
Brave soul, arent you? Not many take the red page, but here you P O E M T W I N
are. Im proud.
Before you really start getting your feet wet, Im going to need to
familiarize you with how this book works. So... I know you just got Cut behind me, cut whats ensnared.
here, but I want to first direct your attention to page 18, the last It makes only the difference it chooses.
page of the book.* This is your own, personal page. You can think If delicate as snow you follow,
of me as your interior decorator, as I have furnished your page with truth shall speak and light shall cry.
everything youll need: a ruler for measuring things up to three and
three-quarters inches, a map of Washington Township in Blackford Bring it all before me, before and afternoon.
County (Indiana), the fifth through twenty-first digits of pi, an Twill my quilt together, until my lungs balloon.
unmatched sock, and some space for taking notes. Dont worry, Betwixt is but a fly, yet it shall rival me.
this is one of those cool books your parents wont tell you about Fall in, fall out, its nothing new right now.
the kind where you can write on the pages... fold the pages... heck,
even cut the pages if you want. Reiterate this past, take it all in stride.
All she speaks is merely an illusion,
Additionally, youll also want to check back to page 17, as this is Dealing formally in misdeeds.
your primary area for sorting the many clues youll come across And feel my waning cry
while reading through... clues that all lead to the terrible secret Reverberating in your drum.
living at the core of these pages.
Before I was even able to talk,
The first clue should be an easy one: on page 2, I made a In her eyes I felt and felt...
common spelling error. The correction is your first clue. Got it? The pain could be no greater
Awesomesauce (the kids still say that, right?). Now, on to page 8 Only I had to.
with you! I had to deliver
My own baby, myself.
*get used to jumping around these pages a lot.
is this supposed to be a cross? or maybe its a tiny sword... in
any case, watch where you point it!
5 14
T W I N P O E M C D E
B H F
G I
A F J
Belong, belong, my wrinkled friend. E

G
I have none for taking, yet here I remain. K

Z
Should only we sing like the ageless stumps

H
That mordiously hath blurted out

L
Y
The frantic melodies for which there are

I
None.

M
X
B
I take my scabbard only as
ROT-4

J
N
An unknown wind breaks against my home.

W
A
There are great men, great women

O
K
Whom I respect a lot, and yet

Z
V

P
We watch, we wait.

L
Y
Wistfully lisp, will-o-wisp:

Q
I see your lies even as you bind them,

M
X
For such silly memories may only play R

T
The most fragile views of that place. W S N
I couldnt return, no. S V U T
O
R P
Finally, the inscrutable man will return,
Q
Though his face bears no resemblance
To the fiery, wiry witches which bear
Fruit that none shall ever eat.
Heres something you might find interesting: a letter substitution
I pray, only for forgiveness cipher. In case you you missed it, it says here that it is a ROT-4
For my transgressions. (rotate-four). You can plug letters into this things outermost circle,
and the translated letter will sit immediately below it (four places
down in the alphabet). Neat, right? Just keep in mind that this is
not a toy, but a tool, and everyone knows tools are tons of fun!
13 6
 Welcome back, dear reader! Im so glad youre choosing to
5 continue on with my book! However, I dont know that I appreciate
4 your tone so much... If you really thought my previous puzzle was
such a snoozefest, then maybe I shouldnt help out at all on this
1 2 next one... So, go ahead. Just figure it out.
1
Wondering what the meaning of
3 2 this is? Ha, like hell Im going to
tell you now... If you really want
to figure out the meaning of my
9 1 8 cutting edge puzzles, youll have
to do it on your own, pal.
7
1 3 7
Still confused? Well too bad! I
6 still refuse to share even a single
snippet of information with you.
Behold! A puzzle to boggle the mind (specifically, yours, dear
reader). Once you have solved this sudoku, should you dare to
even attempt such a task, take with you the number that fits into
the yellow box forward to page 9. Phew, god it feels good to give that cold, icy shoulder every
once in a while. Sometimes you just have to get it all out of your
system... Anyway, If you still managed to find the clues here, direct
your attention left to page 11. Also, dont forget to check out my
astounding poetry on the next two pages!
7 12
Hello, dear reader. Youre looking a bit stressed. I think that now
would be a good time for you to take a break. Go ahead and
out your entire body. Really extend
those joints. Relax, get comfy. Make yourself at home...
...Thats enough. Puzzle time! This ones easy. Your clue will be the
three letters below that appear together in alphabetical order.
Before you write down your clue though, itll need some decoding
(courtesy of the lovely page 6). When youre all done, go to page 7!
11
Alright rookie, I know that your first puzzle was pretty easy, but its
about to get a whole lot more complicated. Youll need to follow
my instructions step by tender step, because this is some complex
math were dealing with.
First, youll need to glance over at the page to your left. I want you
to add up each of the numbers currently in the puzzle and divide
the sum by the seventh digit of pi. Then, take the natural log of
your answer and round that answer up to the nearest integer. Now,
keep track of this number while you multiply together the prime
numbers between ten and sixty. Plug that product into the follow-
ing equation (in place of x) and solve for y:
y = (|14 - x|)7 + yx2 - 14!
Once you have found the value of y, divide it by the number you
had previously rounded. Pay close attention to the remainder, as
it should be a prime number. If it is not, you will need to do some
recalculating. The next step is critical, as you will then multiply
this number by the sum of four and negative four. Finally, add
19,091,108 to your product.
To decipher your clue, separate your result into two-digit groups.
Each of the groups correspond with a letter of the alphabet (a=01,
b=02, etc.). Once you have it all figured out, you may choose where
you want to go next. What are your thoughts?
Outstanding puzzle, I have to say! I shall go to page 12!
Wow, greeat puzzle (sarcastic). Lets see what kind of boring,
asinine garabage you can throw at me on page 12...
8
Look, if you came here from page 7, Im sorry. Theres nothing here So I must make the concerted effort to sense what you want, to
for you... Why...? Because I dont know how to make a sudoku, anticipate your thoughts and feelings as a reader before even you
alright! I mean, can you blame me though? Those things are hard are aware of them.
as heck just to figure out, let alone to make from scratch! Nine by
nine, eighty-one little squares. Doesnt sound so bad, right? Thats ...
what I thought! No no no, its so much more complex. Honestly,
coming up with something like this would have been something Alright, I may have an idea. Ill design you another puzzle, but this
more suited for a savant or a computer. time Ill include one of those upside-down answers below. So... try
not to look at the answer if you can help it... but if you do, Ill totally
... understand. Look, Ill even plop the whole thing down right here.
Thats right! You dont even have to turn the page! Well... other than
I could try to go on defending myself, but honestly, I dont see the page turn to finish my apology (I just hope this communicates
much of a point in it... I knew the damn puzzle wouldnt work, and how genuine I am). Once you find the clue here, go on to page 16.
yet I left it in anyway. (sigh), I wonder sometimes whether Im even
cut out for this whole puzzle business... I know I tend to boast a lot,
but really, its all nothing more than a passionate hobby. Oh reader,
I shouldnt involve you in my personal details, and especially not in
my pity party. This isnt at all the scintillating read you were hoping
for, Im sure. But on the other hand, to leave this whole matter
unaddressed...? Well, that wouldnt be much of a stand-up thing to
do, now would it?
So, again... Im justIm sorry about all this. What a piece of work I
am, huh? I feel like there must be some way to make it up to you...
I could always just give you the next clue, but then you might feel
cheated. Right? Theres no fun in me just telling you what to do.
Really, some interactive puzzle that would be. But at the same
time, what kind of person would I be to make you work that much
harder just because I was the one who messed up?
This is really the kind of thing that takes some careful consid-
eration. Ah, if only this were another medium, perhaps I could answer: tear
even have your input! But alas, to you I am but words on a page...
continue to next page for more aplogetic rambl
ings
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