Lawrence 1

Troveno Lawrence Comment [SP1]: Hi, Troveno. Thanks for

submitting your revised draft to the WRC! I
enjoyed seeing the progress youve made.
Marisa Enos Overall, I found this version of the essay to be
much more focused and consistent in its overall
argument. I did point out a few areas where
English certain ideas seemed out of place, as well as a
couple more places where potential expansion
can occur. I also commented on some smaller
12 July 2017 issues of repetition, sentence structure, and
transition that can be cleaned up throughout.
Essential Mistakes
Best of luck!

From an early age people are taught that mistakes are bad and are fearful to make them.

In reality, making mistakes in education and life is essential in shaping our future. Making life

and academic mistakes prior to college has a strong impact on success with college and adult

life. Making mistakes are necessary to form an independent and mature person who will be an Comment [SP2]: To avoid repetition, you
could probably say they here, since the
previous sentence also began with making
asset to society and the corporate world rather than a hindrance. Parents who dont allow mistakes.

children to make mistakes dont allow for those growing moments where one can learn from the

mistakes that are made. Contrary to that are the parents who shame their children for making

mistakes then they go on to become adults who live in fear of making mistakes will not make Comment [SP3]: To avoid confusion, I would
rephrase this as something like these children
then go on I would also use a semicolon or
independent decisions for fear of making a mistake. In academics, information taught needs to period before this phrase to more clearly
separate it from the previous sentence.

be learned so thoroughly that there is a deep understanding of the concepts and not just enough Comment [SP4]: *and will not

to get through a test or assignment. It is a tough society to be a young adult in with the ever Comment [SP5]: Can you tie this more
directly to mistakes? Otherwise, it seems a little
abrupt and misplaced. Can this sort of deep
growing pressures of conformity and many times those pressures will break down a young learning only be done if we learn to appreciate
and grow from our mistakes? Is our fear of
making mistakes directly tied to an academic
person, it takes great strength to remain strong, learn and grow from mistakes. The pressures to system in which there are prescribed right
answers?

do illegal drugs, to join a gang or cult, treat people disrespectful or bully, oppositional defiance

with academics and engaging in sexual activities at a young age are all faced by teenagers today. Comment [SP6]: Are all of these examples
relevant to your topic? While these are all
certainly important pressures that young people
On the flip side, there are parents and kids who merely compete in life and academics to be face, it may be more effective to focus solely on
academic pressures in order not to distract from
the main point of the essay.
perfect at everything and put pressure on each other to do so. There has to be a balance of

acceptable conduct yet independent decision making to allow for one to learn from their mistakes
 Lawrence 2

and therefore improve their future. It is through experiencing mistakes and learning from them

that one can begin to think autonomously and build character for a more successful future. Most

successful leaders I have met will say that the road they travelled was one that was not paved, it

was full of pot holes and many times deep ditches. Comment [SP7]: I would consider moving this
a sentence earlier. To me, the previous
sentence (It is through experiencing
Making mistakes comes primarily from independent decision-making, experiencing and mistakes) would be more effective as a
closing thesis statement.

taking a risk no matter what the situation is. In parenting my own children, I have tried very

diligently to teach them to make decisions using independent thinking no matter what the end

result is. In education, I have pushed them to indulge themselves in the information and be

proud of their accomplishments, however helping and encouraging them when they are

struggling. Engaging in daily conversations in regards to what they learned and how that is

applicable in life has been a great way to ensure understanding and importance of information

taught. Today society is so blatantly judgmental and people are afraid to stand out against the Comment [SP8]: While this information adds
further detail to your example of how youve
chosen to parent your children, I feel like it isnt
consensus of society that they would rather conform, than to stand alone. They fall into a groove as relevant to the point being made afterward
about people being afraid to stand out. I might
try to remove this section and see how the
of following the wrong crowd instead of making independent judgements and choices for fear paragraph flows without it.

that they will be looked at in a negative way. As Iliana Miller, an English and Humanities

instructor at Mid-Michigan Community College states in A Troublesome Threshold-Entering

Academic Conversations, previous habits of mind and how those might be a barrier to their
Comment [SP9]: The natural structure of this
self-directed learning in college reiterates that if someone relies heavily on memorization and quote doesnt quite flow with how its used in
this sentence. I would either reword the
sentence or alter the quote to make it flow more
not application they will not build a solid academic foundation (5). In academics if one makes smoothly. For example, previous habits of mind
. . . might be a barrier to their self-directed
learning in college. An ellipsis (. . .) can be
the mistake of simply memorizing the information instead of analyzing it and applying it, it used to indicate that part of the quote has been
removed to make it more concise or more
grammatically suited to the sentence.
doesnt become retained information. Anytime there is a routine followed of avoiding mistakes, Comment [SP10]: I would probably begin a
new sentence here, e.g. This statement
reiterates
attempting perfection, following the crowd or conforming with others actions, it becomes a habit.
Comment [SP11]: This is the first time you
mention memorization specifically in this
It is easy to follow the people one is close with in society instead of breaking out of that comfort paragraph, and I feel like it doesnt entirely fit
with the subject of conformity/following others. I
might not bring this up until a later paragraph
thats more specifically about it.
 Lawrence 3

zone and standing alone to make more independent decisions. People either perform or dont

perform based on what they think everyone else would do and they lack the ability to make

independent decisions for fear of failing or being looked at differently from others. I personally

have experienced this many times in life while trying to fit in with others until I realized that

following them was not getting me where I wanted to be in life. People have to face mistakes

and not run from them. Mistakes do not make one a bad person it allows them to become a

stronger person. Acceptance of mistakes and learning from them shows growth and maturity.

Many times in life people even feel the need to bend the truth to fit in or think actions

through before acting to be sure it is acceptable to society. In telling stories like this they attempt

to illustrate that they did not make a mistake and put the blame on others. In contrast they may Comment [SP12]: Is this tendency to revise
stories in this way a further indication that young
people today have been conditioned to believe
alter the story to make them appear to be the bad person if that is what they are looking to mistakes are bad?

accomplish. Dr. Roger Schank, the chairman and CEO of Socratic Arts and previous Chief Comment [SP13]: While this may be true,
does it fit into your argument about making
mistakes? Im not sure I see the relationship
Education Officer of Carnegie Melons West Coast Campus who has authored more than thirty between that and making oneself appear as a
bad person.

books and focuses on scenario centered learning wrote the essay Story Skeletons. Story Comment [SP14]: I would surround this
phrase with commas to make the sentence
structure clearer to the reader.
Skeletons is about how a person tells a story and the context that they use to tell it, Shank states, Comment [SP15]: Period or semicolon.

we must construct a story before we take an action to ensure that the action we are about to take

is coherent. Further if the action is in any way incoherent, we make it more sensible by putting it

into a framework that is acceptable to those who hear the story (134). It is the fear of what

others may think or how they may judge that forces those decisions to tell a story in a way that Comment [SP16]: To make they clear later
in the sentence, I would be more specific here,
e.g. young peoples decisions or individuals
either makes them look like the good guy or will be socially acceptable to others. Many times decisions.

people tell these stories and learn valuable mistakes from them and other times, they paint the

picture that portrays them acceptable to society even if it isnt necessarily a true picture and they
Comment [SP17]: Can you elaborate on this
dont learn anything from their mistakes. Just as the habits of conformity in education, such as at all? What does this mean for the individual?
Are they more likely to keep making the same
mistakes or never understand that they made a
mistake in the first place?
 Lawrence 4

just memorizing to pass a test and then forgetting the information can be a barrier to success, so

can the habit of telling a story that is altered so that the actions taken in the story are more

socially acceptable. Comment [SP18]: You might be able to

achieve more synthesis in this paragraph by
more directly relating something Miller says to
Making mistakes in education and in lifes experiences are necessary for growth and to something Schank says. Is there a specific area
in which you see their ideas overlapping?

engage in mature and professional conversations and interactions with the general public and Comment [SP19]: *is

colleagues. Robert Leamnson a professor of Biology and director of multidisciplinary studies at Comment [SP20]: I would add a comma here.

University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth, said it best in the Biological Basis of Learning,

Things must be learned so thoroughly that the probability of being tripped up by careless

inaccuracies or approximations becomes vanishingly small (76). Just formulating a short-term

memory of the information and not analyzing and applying the information for the purpose of

passing a class is not sufficient. There is a wealth of information that one must learn in order to

survive in the world today and it must be learned so intimately that it can be applied at any point

in life. In living in such a largely diverse environment it is very hard to comprehend it all and

make effective decisions. Schank illustrates that with the quote, Humans cannot easily digest

the complexity of the world they live in and the actions that they and others take in the world

(139). There must be a deep understanding and accurate story skeletons in order to truly

comprehend the depth of the information being taught. It takes a great deal of time to analyze

the information and apply it to our everyday lives to prevent mistakes from being made. It is Comment [SP21]: And is this not possible if
we never make the mistakes to learn from in the
first place?
essential that the information is applied for the habit to change from making the mistake of

simply memorization to the habit of complete comprehension and retention of the information.

As Miller states, one has to move from listening and mentally engaging to participating and

adding our own voices in a way that reshapes the discourse (5). When a person uses the

information to have conversations and tell a story and retells it, it becomes more engrained in the
 Lawrence 5

long term memory and becomes part of their knowledge bank. Just as Miller believes that one

must engage in conversations, Schank also believes that, in the end, we become shaped by the

skeletons that we use (140). If one is known for telling accurate stories, one will be more

respected than if they are known to be someone who falsifies stories to be socially acceptable. Comment [SP22]: This is a good point, but
does it stray a bit too far from your topic? I
would try to focus more on the reasons why
Forming habits of retelling the accurate stories enables the mind to retain the information more forming the habit of telling accurate stories that
reflect growth from our past mistakes creates
deeper learning.
deeply. The rhetoric stories that are told based on conversations that are made become part of

the person. When stories are told and retold of the mistakes that were made in life they become Comment [SP23]: To me, the phrasing of this
sentence is a little off. Im not entirely clear on
the point it is making.
engrained in our brain and the chance of making those mistakes again become less and less.

Once one can mentally engage, participate, and analyze the content has more meaning and

retention becomes easier. It is also important to think things through before one engages in a

story to be sure the story is indeed the facts and that no outside influence is present to twist the

story to be more acceptable. Actions are actions and mistakes are mistakes, everyone will make

them and need to learn from them as well.

The entitled children, who are not out making mistakes and learning from them, dont Comment [SP24]: The commas around this
phrase are not necessary.

experience those stepping-stones into adulthood. As Leamnson states another characteristic of Comment [SP25]: I would consider adding a
few sentences here using your own words and
ideas to bridge the gap between the topic
youth culture is its limited familiarity with the notion of consequence (81). When those sentence and Leamnsons quote and make the
connection between them a bit more apparent.

important years are not spent learning and adapting there is no past experience to rely on when

making important decisions on a daily basis in college and beyond. The lack of that growth by

allowing for children to make mistakes and learn from them follows them and doesnt prepare

them for post-secondary education. Growth, learning and ability to engage in conversations will

be necessary to succeed in college and into their career. Everyone has individual responsibility

to prepare themselves to become a productive member of society. Learning from those mistakes Comment [SP26]: Im not sure if youre
interested in adding more sources, but this idea
seems similar to some of what Adrienne Rich
and forming good habits can assist in that growth. However, as Leamnson states, few are says about one needing to take responsibility
for their own education.
 Lawrence 6

inclined to anticipate, or to take responsibility for, the consequences of their actions due to the

lack of experiences earlier in their life. (81) Without these growing moments it is very difficult

to put oneself in position to be a productive member of society. It is imperative to learn and

grow from experiences and conduct ourselves in a mature way in order to be looked upon as a

trustworthy person who can be a productive member of society. It is very difficult to make it Comment [SP27]: Is this sentence a little
repetitive of an earlier point?

through life without being able to have constructive conversations with others and in order to

achieve that it requires education to form that level of competence. As Miller states, Learning

is a brain-change, rather than brain-use (3). One must formulate habits to allow their brains to

change and adapt throughout life. One cant be stuck in sedimentary ways and not open up to

new ideas and implement them. If one is known for telling stories using a story skeleton that is

somewhat of a victim plot whereby they are portrayed as never doing wrong and always being

wronged, then it will be very hard for anyone to ever believe them. Honesty is always best and Comment [SP28]: While I like the specificity
of this example, Im not sure its entirely suited
to the topic being discussed. It comes a little out
that comes from making mistakes and learning from them and sharing them with others. Its not of left field for me. What I am interested in
seeing more of is a direct connection between
entitled children and being stuck in
about just using ones brain but learning to analyze the information and implement it into our unsuccessful habits. Are parents holding their
children back from more critical and
independent thinking by shielding them from the
lives. consequences of their mistakes?

Allowing the brain to change habits and to build on academic mistakes takes courage and

dedication. Focus has to be on replacing that mistake of memorizing, as Iliana Miller states,

Meaning making replaces information gathering and memorizing- (5). Just getting the

information fed and memorizing the information doesnt allow for the information to be retained,

it has to be applied to life and used. I personally use to memorize information long enough to

just pass a test and then it would be a distant thought and not in my long-term memory. Just as Comment [SP29]: And how did this
negatively impact you? Youll want to make sure
that this example has a clear purpose in the
Miller believes that meaning making will replace memorizing, Schank also believes that story argument being made.

skeletons can have an important effect on memory. Since our world is shaped by the stories told,
 Lawrence 7

when stories are told in a given way, one will be likely to remember the facts in terms of the

story we have told (133). Application of what is learned must be applied to real life and that

information shared with others and in the process, valuable lessons are gained and growth

occurs. The act of engaging in critical dialogue increases our cautiousness and awareness of the

forces that rule our lives (Miller 5). One has to become more in touch with oneself and connect

with the world when engaging in conversations that are meaningful, this is essential to the

learning process. Failure has to be experienced in order to find success. The more a child can

experience and learn throughout their growing years, the better off they will be. It is through

those experiences that they make mistakes and learn from them. If those mistakes push one to

try harder and to work towards success then one is utilizing those experiences in a positive way.

Today, children are being brought up not being disciplined and are being pampered and Comment [SP30]: I feel like this is a less
specific way of saying what is clarified later in
the sentence. Could this portion be removed?
entitled to the point that they are not given a chance to make mistakes and learn from them

before they are set out on their own and the mistakes become more grand and consequential at

that point in life. If that is not the case then they are out making mistakes and being shamed for

them to the point that they are fearful of their parents and to make mistakes later in life. Personal Comment [SP31]: Too specific? It may not
only be their parents shaming them.

experience has been when my daughter started her first years of college; I learned very quickly

that I didnt prepare her for college. Her level of co-dependency was very noticeable and her

lack of experience was a hindrance with life however her academic performance was sound. Not Comment [SP32]: I would try not to bring new
examples or information into the conclusion.
Also, your previous discussion of your children
everyone has it within them to fail and then persevere to find a way to get back up and try again. implied that you were trying to raise them in a
way that prepares them to be independent
thinkers, so this may come across as
Success doesnt come for those who chose to be defeated by their mistakes and the consequences contradictory if not fully explained, which may
not be possible in a conclusion.

of those. Its those that can find that perseverance that become our leaders. It requires

autonomous thinking and actions and not allowing for society to mold them. It is the small steps

towards the goals that count and the courage to take those steps. It is also imperative while in
 Lawrence 8

college to not lose sight of life and career goals and the desire to better ourselves to allow for Comment [SP33]: This isnt something Ive
focused on, since its a smaller aspect of the
essay, but as you get closer to your final draft, I
integration into society as a productive and competent member. It is a mountain to climb and a might try to eliminate plural first-person
language like our, we, and us. This places
your audience into the same group as yourself,
lot of learning along the way however growth happens from making those mistakes and learning in this case students, when it may in fact be
composed of people in a different position (e.g.
instructors). Its also more casual in tone than is
from them. Those life lessons learned along with a foundation of education are sure to position generally preferred in an academic essay.

well for the competitive future.

 Lawrence 9

Works Cited

Leamnson, Robert. Biological Basis of Learning. Exploring Connections Learning in the 21st

Century, 2nd ed., Pearson Education, Inc., 2016, pp. 65-85.

Miller, Iliana. A Troublesome Threshold Entering Academic Conversations. Exploring

Connections: Learning in the 21st Century, 2nd ed., Pearson, pp 3-6.

Schank, Roger. Story Skeletons. Exploring Connections: Learning in the 21st Century, 2nd ed.,

Pearson, pp 128-140.